8 November 2017 at 11:18 am #6016su0906Participant
My husband started using various online betting sites to match bet about 6 months ago. I found out and asked him to stop. He wasn’t very pleased and says that it is risk free and you can’t loose and is not gambling at all so why should he stop. He did eventually agree to stop but I have just found out that he is still using the sites. Again, he says there is no risk at all and I am just being controlling trying to stop him. I explained that it worries me, that these sites are not designed to make people money and there is a risk of addiction. He still says it is not gambling at all but very clever bet placing and you can’t lose. He also won’t show me his bank statements to back up his claim that he is not out of pocket. Can anyone advise as am really worried this could escalate and he says I am causing the problem by trying to stop him doing what he wants. What really upsets me is that I now have a trust issue as we have been together nearly 20 years but he has a habit of lying. He says he lies because he promises to things under duress to keep me happy. This is no good to me as I now don’t trust him at all which he doesn’t understand and this is just not healthy. So upset and frustrated and don’t know what to do.8 November 2017 at 5:10 pm #6017DuncKeymaster
Im unsure if any of the F&F will answer this, Ill give you my opinion though
Matched betting (also known as back or lay bet matching, or double betting), In theory your husband isn’t lying about not involving money… but that’s where it ends for a compulsive gambler
Within GT we try not to trigger anyone and as such trying to explain how this isn’t gambling and is gambling in the same breath is quite hard.
In my opinion this is what we call “Mind Gambling” its keeping the addiction fed and in my opinion a dangerous way to be in recovery. It’s like expecting an alcoholic to work behind a bar and not drink… sooner or later the temptation will be too great
I’m afraid its short but that’s because I really don’t want to go into too much detail explaining how this works8 November 2017 at 5:11 pm #6018DuncKeymaster
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team8 November 2017 at 5:35 pm #6019velvetModerator
Hello Su and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
The Gambling Therapy Team8 November 2017 at 5:44 pm #6020velvetModerator
Your husband is naive if he thinks for one moment that what he is doing does not have the potential to turn him from being a fun gambler into being a gambler with serious problems and sadly the fact that he is lying implies he is already on the way to having a real problem.
Gambling is all about risk, without risk there would be little or no incentive. Of course he can lose and even if it is not money he loses he can lose control of his behaviour which is far more serious.
Your husband may be ‘dry gambling’, where money is not involved but the person gambles in his head on something. Dry gambling activates the brain and causes it to become excited until it often degenerates into actively gambling using money although money is not the object – only the ‘gamble’ is the object. Sadly the addiction to gamble comes about from a person having ‘fun’ with no idea that addiction is waiting and can precede misery, loss of family, friends and possessions, mood swings and loss of control.
Typically of a man with a gambling problem your husband’s answers lack logic and reason – he is trying to tell you that the sites he is on are for pleasure, without risk and without gain – life is not that simple. Gambling sites are designed to attract and confuse reality.
Having said all of the above I hope that your husband is still just having fun although if he is lying and will not show you his bank statements, to help you stop worrying, I can’t see where the fun is to be found.
Maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous website – they might help you to see if you still think there is a real issue. If you think there is then maybe you could leave a copy for him to find – I don’t suggest giving it to him as this would possibly result in a denial and unpleasant accusations.
We have a Friends and Family group tomorrow evening between 20.00-21.00 hours UK time and it would be good if you could pop in – you will be very welcome and we can communicate in real time. It is best to come in early as I have been told by other members that it is the quickest hour in the week!
I suggest for now you avoid confrontation with your husband but that you carry on posting and gaining knowledge of gambling problems that can escalate. Knowledge gives us power and you are stronger than whatever it is that is pulling your husband.
I wouldn’t be writing to you Su, if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and amazing lives lived as a result.
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