Memories of beating myself up after a gambling slip

[michelle64]

 
There have been so many thoughts and feelings for me
On my journey to actually try and become gamble free
Being ‘gamble free’ for me seemed so far off I had to say
‘Cos I kept slipping many frigging times and in many away
I tried hard to not go back into my stupid gambling action
But inside there was built up inner tension and frustration
Even though I had promised myself never to go back to gamble
I found the frigging urges very hard for me to actually handle
But after yet another slip I felt helpless and extremely mad
Inside there was no hope for me and as a person I felt bad
I was pissed off at me for not having the ability to give-up
And it was then I really started to verbally beat myself up
I started then to call myself every single explicable name
‘Cos inside I felt extreme disappointment and inner shame
Within me I felt like a devious sneaky worthless piece of ****
And the only place I felt I belonged was in the gutter or **** pit
But then I connected with CG’s within my life online or at GA
And with the help of other gamblers I gained a lot each day
Other CG’s advised me to learn to listen and to listen to learn
And I learnt to be honest when sharing every single concern
It was suggested that I put effective coping barriers in place
These barriers were to help me with any urges I had to face
But sometimes their suggestions for me didn’t actually work
And I returned to GA – constantly feeling like a stupid jerk
It was then that internal beating myself up started over again
Not being able to stay a day gamble free for me was totally insane
It was suggested that I stopped using the negative verbal whip
And instead have a kinder voice within me after a gambling slip
I started to try and learn from each gambling slip that I had
And ‘cos I learnt what went wrong the beating were less bad
Once I accepted I’d had the slip I started trying to change me
Changing who I was – seemed so important for me to see
I started to remind myself that I couldn’t change my past
But I could try and come to terms with this addiction at last
Within myself I actually started to find a much nicer voice
And truly that helped me to cope and make a better choice
So I gained courage, humility and strength to return to GA
About a gambling relapse to other CG’s  – I would honestly say
Thankfully over time I am less negative towards the CG’s mind in me
And with other gambler’s help I have managed to stay gamble free
 — 27/05/2012 01:02:20: post edited by michelle64.– 27/05/2012 14:54:06: post edited by Michelle64.

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