Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Poetry Corner Memories of beating myself up after a gambling slip

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    michelle64
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    There have been so many thoughts and feelings for me
    On my journey to actually try and become gamble free
    Being ‘gamble free’ for me seemed so far off I had to say
    ‘Cos I kept slipping many frigging times and in many away
    I tried hard to not go back into my stupid gambling action
    But inside there was built up inner tension and frustration
    Even though I had promised myself never to go back to gamble
    I found the frigging urges very hard for me to actually handle
    But after yet another slip I felt helpless and extremely mad
    Inside there was no hope for me and as a person I felt bad
    I was pissed off at me for not having the ability to give-up
    And it was then I really started to verbally beat myself up
    I started then to call myself every single explicable name
    ‘Cos inside I felt extreme disappointment and inner shame
    Within me I felt like a devious sneaky worthless piece of ****
    And the only place I felt I belonged was in the gutter or **** pit
    But then I connected with CG’s within my life online or at GA
    And with the help of other gamblers I gained a lot each day
    Other CG’s advised me to learn to listen and to listen to learn
    And I learnt to be honest when sharing every single concern
    It was suggested that I put effective coping barriers in place
    These barriers were to help me with any urges I had to face
    But sometimes their suggestions for me didn’t actually work
    And I returned to GA – constantly feeling like a stupid jerk
    It was then that internal beating myself up started over again
    Not being able to stay a day gamble free for me was totally insane
    It was suggested that I stopped using the negative verbal whip
    And instead have a kinder voice within me after a gambling slip
    I started to try and learn from each gambling slip that I had
    And ‘cos I learnt what went wrong the beating were less bad
    Once I accepted I’d had the slip I started trying to change me
    Changing who I was – seemed so important for me to see
    I started to remind myself that I couldn’t change my past
    But I could try and come to terms with this addiction at last
    Within myself I actually started to find a much nicer voice
    And truly that helped me to cope and make a better choice
    So I gained courage, humility and strength to return to GA
    About a gambling relapse to other CG’s  – I would honestly say
    Thankfully over time I am less negative towards the CG’s mind in me
    And with other gambler’s help I have managed to stay gamble free
     — 27/05/2012 01:02:20: post edited by michelle64.– 27/05/2012 14:54:06: post edited by Michelle64.

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