- This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by charles.
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17 December 2014 at 2:41 pm #27773janey1Participant
Hi Everyone,
We’re coming up to a time of year that’s typically very tricky for problem gamblers and the people that love them. So I put together a Christmas recovery journey based on bits and pieces I’ve heard or read over the years, I hope you like it and take something from it.
Christmas Zero
Christmas creates panic….gut wrenching, soul destroying panic that steals the breath from your lungs and leaves you in a heap on the floor….paralysed. You’d managed to save a little, not a lot; to get the few things you wanted to get for the people that mattered most. You wanted to prove to them that you’re ok now and they can let you back into their lives……but the moneys gone. The urge was so strong you felt like your feet had a mind of their own and before you knew it you were stood outside the bookies with nothing……your Christmas hopes bob and weave on the back of the crumpled betting slip you threw into the flooded gutter.
You can’t believe it’s happened again, but you don’t know if you can change…you don’t know if it’s even possible. You switch your phone off and head back to your cold flat alone and on the walk you make a decision. Next year will be different.
There’s hope.
Christmas One
Christmas seems like a bloody big mountain to climb! It’s only been a matter of weeks since your last bet and although you’re feeling quietly confident you don’t relish the idea of being tested like this. “What if’s” buzz around in your mind seeking to derail you and erode your confidence and as you look down you notice your knuckles have turned white because you balled up your hands with the strain of it all.
You don’t trust yourself with money yet so you’re waiting for a friend to turn up with the money he’s holding for you so you can both crack on with a little Christmas shopping…the little you’ll be able to get this year still makes you feel a bit of pride when you think about it. But your mate’s late and the bus stop you’re waiting for him at is over the road from the arcade…sweat trickles down your neck as you pick up your phone and punch in his number.
“Where are ya mate?” you almost shout…as he hops off the bus right in front of you. You breathe a sigh of relief. You did it…you got through it….
There’s hope.
Christmas Two
Christmas means family but someone’s missing from yours. Your son hasn’t called for about three months now and you’re desperate to know where and how he is but when he called and asked for money you told him “No” and now you’re frightened you won’t see him again. You know you’re doing everything you’re “supposed” to do, what people told you to do…but it goes against every fibre of your being. As you lay the table with one less place setting than normal, you start to cry.
A few months ago he seemed better, he seemed to really be trying, but after he lost his job all the fight went out of him and he was back down the bookies as though nothing had changed. He said he didn’t know if he had the strength to get back on the wagon…you said you didn’t have the strength to be around him if he didn’t. Despite the ultimatums, tantrums and recriminations on both sides you really thought he’d be back on track by Christmas.
Your phone rings and you pick it up….there’s a moment of silence and then,”Hi mum, room for one more?”
There’s hope.
Christmas Three
Christmas seems like one big stress…got to get the kids the latest iPad…mum wants a nice perfume and HOW much is the works Christmas meal going to cost? You’re managing your debts and you’ve been paying them off for a while now but this kind of expense is really pushing you to your limits! You wonder to yourself if there will ever be a time when things are “normal”…sometimes it seems like you’ll never escape from the consequences of your gambling.
A single white envelope rattles through the letter box and plops on to the mat….you know that hand writing, and even if you didn’t the word “Daddy” is a big give away! It’s an uphill struggle, and there are days when you question whether it’s all really worth it, but looking at the card you know it is. Today it’s good to be in recovery.
There’s hope
Christmas Four
Christmas has a new meaning since you stopped gambling a few years ago and each time it comes around it reminds you of why did 🙂 . You look at those around you and the smiles on their faces when they open gifts you were able to buy for them and you’re momentarily transported back to a time when things were altogether different. You let the remembered sadness wash over you and then pass….and you’re relaxed, happy and stuffed to the gills with all kinds treats.
Christmas hasn’t been stress free…it rarely is….but it’s another year of being gambling free and when you reflect on that, you smile.
When you share the story of your recovery, you give others a lot of hope!
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17 December 2014 at 10:45 pm #27774kpatParticipant
There is hope!
Xxxooo -
20 December 2014 at 1:42 pm #27775veraParticipant
This year, instead of sitting at a slot machine thinking about what I should / could / would do for Christmas, I am at home DOING ALL THOSE THINGS!
Action speaks louder than words
recovery can be hard work but it brings joy.
Gambling seems easy but it brings grief!
Chaos versus Order!
Freedom versus Slavery!
Life versus Death!HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL!!
“Vera” -
28 December 2014 at 10:15 pm #27776shaynedeParticipant
Well I was glad I went shopping with the last minute pay check deposited in my account on Christmas Eve. Wonderful feeling, gifts dinner and family. The problem was I had to spend most of my check because what I didnt spend I was affraid I would go to the casino that night or the next day. My fears came true. I took all I had left in the bank and ran to the casino. I almost won my fight but could not resist the urge.
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29 December 2014 at 7:01 pm #27777charlesModerator
Hi Shaynede and welcome to the forum.
Well done on looking for help. You will get a lot of support here when you start your own thread. Just click on the My Journal Forum, scroll down and click on new Topic and do an introduction.
Use the support you have here and you can resist those urges. keep posting.
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