- This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.
5 June 2011 at 5:04 pm #7484ClarityKeymaster
I just can’t explain this new found feeling I’ve got its more than happiness, maybe too much contentment, overwhelming pride an overall feeling of euphoria. Having never felt like this I just don’t know what it is, but it’s the best feeling, and something that gambling has never given me. Maybe this is my jackpot, maybe this is what I was looking to find by gambling, and so in a round about way I can put closure on my gambling once and for all. I was speaking with a fellow recovering cg this morning, like me a persistent “ slipper”. She described this feeling to me exactly I am so pleased that someone is sharing it with me, I know that there are others too. I said to some one last night I’m not over confident, I’m over joyed. It doesn’t matter how much money its cost me to get here, it’s a bargain now; this feeling is priceless. I can only really attribute this stark contrast and massive change in myself to one thing. I started, of my own accord, under no duress, or bribery; to put into place what I said I would do when I left Gordon House exactly a year ago. The major component in all this is my ability to talk to people. Not just on my counselling and support sessions but in my life, I converse with a lot of people, stranger’s as well as friends.
Why is it so important to me? Let me explain;
On Tuesday my boss told me he allocated a good job to me for Thursday, then on Wednesday I was told that in fact they’d changed their mind and were giving it to somebody else, I was angry because I have had a lot of time off recently and am behind with my rent. At the same time eBay informed me they were refunding me £230, (unbelievable but true) but it could take up to 60 days. If I hadn’t of spoken about these things at the time they happened I would have been carrying around a bit of resentment and anger. Put into the mix the worries I have about my family and my emotional state is starting to bear a heavy load. One more small incident could just be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, maybe my landlord asking for the rent, or the telly not working. I could use any one of those for an excuse to gamble, justifying it in my own mind. By talking about everything I find my head is clearer there is no gambling in there anymore. Up until March there always has been, maybe I dint see it sometimes but it was there.
My first GA meeting was exactly one week after my 17th birthday I’m now 45. I have over the last 28 years tried to stop many times. (Wow!! What a coincidence, today is exactly one week after my 45th birthday! Spooky or what).
Maybe I have abstained for long periods; on some of my prison sentences I didn’t gamble, although my head was always there, I fraudulently claimed tax credits throughout one term in prison and gambled it the day after I got out. I have many times felt confident and determined and have been sure with my motivation I could beat this, despite failing miserably the time before. I have repeatedly tried again and again. I have said often, “I feel different this time” but always had a niggling worry that I might screw it up once again and sure enough gambling urges would come I was good at fighting them but they would always get me in the end.
I fought my last urge 15 weeks ago, a week after my last bet. I was sweating buckets wanting to bet and it suddenly dawned on me I didn’t need to. I thought why do I need to; first thought, “To win money”, why though, to pay my bills? No! To gamble more. I then reminded myself that I’ve never walked away a winner in thirty years, except when leaving with an exemption in my hand. So then I thought what’s the worst that can happen if I don’t get my bets on, I had to laugh. Only good things would happen nothing bad. I felt sort of enlightened as if I’d seen the light, from that day to this even through my very stressful visits home I have had this feeling, it hasn’t faded or grown stronger, maybe just maybe God has granted me the serenity I sought for so long.
I have done many bad things during my time as an active addict, I most certainly was sick. I like to state quite often that I am not and will never be recovered from this addiction; I will always be in recovery from it. And believe me everyone if this is what it feels like that is not such a bad deal after all.
I have been complacent in recovery too many times, complacency would tell me I’m doing fine, it would be ok to skip the odd ga meeting, support session, or maybe it’d be alright to take an extra £50 in my pocket just incase I need it. Awareness and common sense tell me that this time, now I have found what works for me after such a very long time, it would be bordering on to obscenity for me to stop what I am doing. And that is my daily chats, when I don’t get my fill of daily chats I tend to post on here and other forums a bit more. It would be bordering on obscenity because when I gamble it is obscene considering all the damage it has caused to so many people.
We all have to find our own ways through this; I do believe I’ve found mine. I can’t drag anyone along kicking and screaming but please consider giving it a try. I know how our self confidence and self-esteem dive as cg’s but I think it is fundamental to our recoveries to work hard on changing this. I haven’t always been so outspoken, but GH showed me I did have confidence I have no qualms about talking honestly now.
Nobody will convince me that they can’t stop gambling, if you insist that that is the case ask yourself why. I do know it feels like that, it has taken me such a long time to change. A great version of the serenity prayer, or maybe the awareness prayer I heard;
God grant me the Serenity;
To accept the people I cannot change,
The Courage to change the one I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
I am telling you all this because it has worked and is working for me, I can only change myself, my life is in my hands. I’m not trying to change anyone else, only trying to emphasise the importance of talking, and acceptance.
Most cg’s on GT were willing to try anything to stop gambling when they came here anything. But some do very well by stopping for a while without having to try too hard to change. They may slip and try again without changing anything; sadly unless you begin to change I don’t think you will ever find recovery. Please don’t bottle things up IT IS GOOD TO TALK.I dont gamble. Because recovery is priceless.6 June 2011 at 12:08 pm #7485paddydublinParticipant
Good reading Geordie,
I think when I had urges to gamble after being a long time free I always reminded myself of the **** that gambling did , even when winning it was only until the next bet , I remembered of what I heard in the GA rooms and weighed it up against having that bet. Not having that bet meant I could do things but as Ive found out now once back in the grips of gambling everything closes in and you get trapped into not only losing valuable money but time , things not being done and people on your back, most of all the sheer weight of feeling so annoyed with yourself and carrying that around with me and hiding it from others, the worst thing for me is on line gambling I vowed Id never indulge and just be a “bookies” head but it got me on my latest trip ( a four year trip) all I can say even though I knew I couldn’t win I hated the emotional and physical drain it was putting on me and most of all the killing of my confidence , drive and ambition.
It was a time of being unemployed and that was a great excuse but even from a financial view if I had of spent that money on the correct things I wouldnt have caused so much financial damage ….pure madness , anyway its gone , Im here and staying free like you said , anythings better than that beaten feeling.
Things are better without a bet on today.6 June 2011 at 10:25 pm #7486AnonymousGuest
Thanks *****, pleased that you have been making use of the forums and rooms, hope it all goes well for you mate.
Reading this back I can see why somebody last night told me I was taken my recovery to seriousley, lol. If thats the impression I give tough, after the life I had with gambling I could never take it too seriousley.
Like everybody else here I was willing to try anything, to help me kerb my gambling ways, however once I’d managed to stop gambling for a week or a month or two, I forgot that I had been willing to try absolutley anything and gave it another shot, after all I am due that life changing big win aren’t I.
Thats how its been for me year after year, until this time, so no wonder I’m full of it, I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for.
Thanks again *****.
I dont gamble. Because recovery is priceless.
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