Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family My boyfriend brokeup with me, because of poker!

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  • #3733
    linda89
    Participant

    Hi

    Permalink Submitted by linda89 on Wed, 03/25/2015 – 17:49
    It’s a bit strange beeing here, because my issue is a bit different i feel. I’m new here, so I need some help getting over my EX boyfriend. The thing is that we broke up 4 months ago, but I’m not over him. He is a poker player, and he told me about this after 7months we became a couple (LDR). This was really hard for me, I felt my world just fell apart… but I didn’t leave him, because he promised he would stop! He never stopped…. after 2 years his playing became more agressive, and he kept saying “why aren’t you proud of me?”, “You don’t know how good I I’m” “poker is a sport, and I will never lose money”. Eventhough he really did profit alot from this game I was always afraid, and the worst part… I couldn’t tell people what he really did for a living, becuse I could see the judgment in their eyes… they were also afraid for my future, and who could blame them right?

    The thing is that when we started talking (keep in mind the LD) he had no one. He didn’t have any contact with his family, and eventhough he didn’t say it I could see the pain in his eyes. He told me all the time that I was his world, and just the thought of losing me killed him…. fast forward I adviced him (kinda pushed) to try reaching out to his family, and so he did! I could hear in his voice that he felt much better, but they were still not close, I was his family! He needed me more then I needed him, untill they became a bigger part of his life. Things were still fine between us, we spent our summer vactation together and talked about future plans! I thought things were getting better. He started college again, and heavens I was proud! After A while we had our small fights (like every couple) and I didn’t think much about it… but then one day things changed all around! I had just booked my ticket (his request) to visit him, and bought him presents for his b-day, when he all of the suddon broke up with me, told me he was going to play poker full time, that I would never accept it, and left for vacation with his friends. I was heart broken, I couldn’t live with the fact that he did that to me… I waited one month and booked another ticked without him knowing… so we ended getting back together for 3 weeks, but after one fight he broke up with me again, saying I was a dramaqueen! Since then I haven’t talked to him! It’s just so hard to cope with the fact that he chose poker over me, that makes me feel really horrible, and sometimes I blame myself for not being more understanding and try to understand the game! In my mind I was trying to do what was best for him, but I only pushed him away…. it hurts!

    #3734
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    <

    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
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    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


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    #3735
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Linda
    Please stop feeling horrible because your ex-boyfriend appears to have chosen poker over you. When a gambling addiction is active, CGs feel they do not have choices – they are driven by urges and because of their addiction they make the wrong ones.
    It would be wrong to suggest that your bf is trying to save you from his addiction by distancing himself from you – the addiction to gamble is selfish and it seems that your bf wants to indulge his without interruption, implying that he has no desire to control it.
    You have done nothing wrong and there is nothing that you should blame yourself for – if a CG is not ready to face his /her addiction then there is little that can be done.
    The best thing that you can do for him and for you is to look after yourself, see, friends, enjoy hobbies and interests – live out of the shadow of an addiction that you do not own. This might seem of little value but your bf knows where you are and when he wants to live in control of his addiction, he will find you healthy and happy if you put yourself first now– waiting for him, losing sleep, crying will not change him, only he can do that. It is sadly very easy to become victims of this addiction by association, those who love CGs suffer and can lose their way completely – I do understand how you feel – it is very frustrating.
    In my opinion, it is good to send a short text every now and then, saying you are fine and wishing him well – maybe telling him you care about him. It is a waste of time mentioning his addiction as you will never know if you are hearing truth from him or not. If he contacts you it is good to keep communication short and not to make demands or threats, however, if it is evident that he is still allowing his addiction to control his life, in my opinion, it would be unwise to offer him hope of a relationship. It is easy to enable an addiction by being available and he will be hoping that he can have his addiction and you. Stand strong; it is incredibly hard to remove this addiction from your life once you have allowed it control of what you do.
    Post again soon
    Velvet

    #3736
    linda89
    Participant

    oh gosh, I just lost everything I wrote…. so here we go again.

    I really don’t know what to think anymore. I just can’t stop blaming myself for not being “proud” of him, not trying to understand the game. I told him don’t tell me about your profits, I can’t make you not play, at least don’t tell me about it because it makes me mad. Is that horrible of me? It’s like sticking my head in the sand and iggnoring it right?
    when he first told me about poker, I was on the edge, I was so scared and wanted to run for my life, but I didn’t. I loved him, and he promised me that once we lived together he wouldn’t play anymore… that he was going to have an education and live a normal life. So for two years I waited for him, waited for him to start college. He had no one else. He had no family, they didn’t contact him… he had only me, how could I turn my back on him. I felt that I was everything to him, and actually he kept saying it all the time. His family came back into his life (I kind of made that happen aswell), and they didn’t try to push him away from the game. His brothers actually looked up to him, he earnd money, alot more then them at least (they are educated). So I was fighting this battle alone, and for what? Is it normal for a person to go to bed 9-12 am? And taking sleeping pills too, because he wasn’t sleeping well? is that a good sign?
    He left me treating me like I was the fault in the breakup, I was the one that should be happy right, I should just accpet. Even his family turned their backs on me…. I’m just hurt…. So much pain!
    He has not tried to contact me once, and I feel I manage to look down on myself, give myself low self-esteem…. power of the brain huh?

    Thank you so much for your respons:)

    #3737
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Linda
    Of course it wasn’t horrible to tell your bf that you didn’t want to hear about his gambling – if you were afraid then you probably had reason to be.
    I don’t know whether or not your bf is addicted to gambling – but I do believe that you should not be afraid of the person you love. He promised he would stop gambling and he reneged on that promise, he gambled until 9 or 12 am and was taking sleeping pills, all of which implies he is not in control of himself – this is not behaviour to feel proud about. How old is he?
    You are right that the brain is powerful so instead of allowing yourself to look down, use it to look up and see the good things in your life. You are obviously a very caring person; you are unique and special so allow yourself to feel those things. If your bf is addicted, his addiction would take you down with it – that is reason enough for you to be proud of yourself and the way you behaved.
    Velvet

    #3738
    linda89
    Participant

    Thank you so much, Velvet!
    My ex is 24, and he started playing when he moved out of his parents house. He struggled with money, ended up dropping out of school… His life was kind of a mess! I think I was the only positive “thing” he had in his life, at that time! I think he needed me. That changed when his family came back into his life again. I think he had a empty space in his heart (missing his family) and he tried to fill up that space by having me in his life… I don’t know if that makes sense, or if it’s even true… but all I know is things changed when they came back. I need to forgive myself first, in order to move on! Forgive and understand that I did my best, I’m not perfect, but he wasn’t either. I hope that one day he will understand that I only wanted the best for him, I may have set some goals and standards in my life that he knew he could’t reach… I don’t want him to think of me as a controlfreak, I just want him to know I really loved, cared and wanted the best for our future! I hope he knows!

    #3739
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Linda
    I see nothing for you to regret.
    You did do your best and it was good enough but if your bf is an active CG it would not have been the enablement his addiction demands.
    You could be right in all your thinking but of course I cannot comment on that which I don’t know. Keep up your standards and your goals and you will find someone worthy of your love.
    If he is embroiled in addiction your bf will not appreciate your care at the moment – but if/when he changes his life he will be glad that you are not part of the wreckage that he will struggle with. I have seen the guilt caused by an addiction and it is terrible for a CG to live with, so go and have a good life and use this experience to make life better for you and those you are yet to meet.
    Well done coming her and sharing your story
    Velvet

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