27 November 2010 at 12:38 pm #2656pingguoParticipant
First off, let me say I am very happy that I have found this site. I have been quietly reading the posts on this site for days now. In many ways, while I am reading, it calms me down and gives me strength as I am preparing to put a stop to enable my CG parents and how to handle my extremely manipulative mother. I know I must be strong and I need all the support I can get.
My situation is not much different or unique in anyway from those that have been affected by a CG. My father is 73 and he has been a CG for as long as I can remember. He did stop for about 10 years but went back and gave in to the addiction once again in the early 90s. This time he dug a hole even deeper burying not only himself and my mother as well. It was so sad that my mother, whom he has extremely negative influence on, also become a CG this time. They went to the casinos in Atlantic City together and gambled until they finally lost all their savings, exhausted all their credit cards and almost lost their house.
My mother, whom is also a victim of his addiction, has suffered for many years before she turned into a CG herself. I remember how upset my mother was when we were little and tried to imitate my father and played with his mahjongg blocks. My mother while not a CG at that time had a very low self-esteem. Due to my father’s addiction we lived in poverty and we were always in debt. She would had to call her friends and sisters to help pay off his debt or maybe even for money to buy food and put it on the table.
She was extremely frustrated and she often took it out on us. I believe she became manipulative and abusive toward us because we were the only “thing” she felt she could have a control of at that time. I remember how she used to beat up my sisters and I with canes with so much anger you would have thought we had been extremely bad. But in fact we were just little girls (none of us were more than 10 years old at that time) that did not want to help babysit our younger siblings. I was only 5 years old when she beat me with a cane for refusing to take care of my brother and wanted to watch the TV instead. She also abused us verbally, calling us names that one would thinks that we are not of her fresh and blood.
I must admit until this very day, though the scars from the beatings had totally vanished but we never recovered from the emotional damages she had done to us. We never felt loved by our parents and we grew up lacking self-confidence and are very self-conscious. And it was probably the number one reason why I had been enabling their gambling addiction since unconsciously I was so silly and had hoped that by giving them money they will love me and tell me what a good daughter I am. I am in my mid 40s and have two wonderful daughters and a great husband. But sadly, deep inside, I sometimes still act like a little girl seeking for Daddy’s and Mommy’s approval and longing for their praises and their love.
We grew up seeing them fought all the time. The fighting was so intense and so out of hand that one time we saw our father took a knife from the kitchen and threaten to hurt my mother. That’s why it was extremely hard for us to accept the fact when our mother herself had become a CG as well.
We were in constant denial that our mother is also a CG. We were more than happy to accept her explanation in the beginning and wanted badly to believe her when she told us that the reason she went to the casinos with my Dad was to keep an eye on him so he would not lose control.
When they finally lost their house and had to move into a smaller condo, I must admit we were still in denial and were too afraid to confront them. We should known better at that time when my parents were so broke they could not even afford to bury my grandmother and we the grandchildren had to come out with the money. We should have also drawn a line when we were forced to pay off two of my mother’s credit card cards and the debts they owed our relatives. But we were naïve into believing that they had reached the bottom and if we helped pay off their debt, they will have a fresh start and will stop gambling since they have no more money to gamble with.
But then it did not stop them there. My father was calling our spouses for money and threatened to kill himself if they did not help him. And my Mom would call us telling us that she did not gamble any more and asked for our help since they do not have any income. She knew how much how resentful we are toward our Dad and she kept telling us that she would have to sell her condo and move in with one of us. We continue to give my mom money for years so that she can at least pay for all her basic expenses, like her condo maintenance fees and her basic utilities fees and money for food. Even though we knew that my Dad still gambled at the OTB but it did not bother us too much for as long as they were still paying their bills and still have a place to live.
It was not until two years ago that we found out that they were few months behind on all their bills. I was totally in shock one time when they were in my house and I found out that my mother had been taking the loose change my husband left on our kitchen counter. My heart was broken and I felt extremely guilty that my parents were in such bad shape yet we live in a nice house and drive a nice car and take two vacations every year. So I offered to give them more money but thought it was a good idea this time I will make them “earn” the money instead of just giving it to them.
I asked my Mom to help me babysit and make dinner and my dad to help me pick up my kids from school. We leased a new minivan for my dad and I gave them the money that I normally would have pay for a babysitter / housekeeper or cab fees for someone to pick up for my daughters from school. I did however kept telling my Mom that they should start saving for rainy days since the economy is so bad these days and I am not certain how much longer I can hold my job. I told her she should talk some sense into my Dad and help him quit gambling as well.
Meanwhile my Mom still plays the lotto and my Dad is still gambling at OTB and gambled every single dime I gave him. I was so turned off by him when he asked me “for an advance payment” one time since he ran out of money to gamble. I felt disgusted and had not spoken to him directly ever since then even though I see him almost everyday. And that was about 5 months ago.
I also asked my Mom to stop giving him money to gamble. She told me my father would not stop fighting with her unless she gave him money. She said she was getting sick from his yelling and that she would rather give him some money to get him out of the house.
She also told me that my father did not understand why I would not speak to him? And I told my Mom that for as long as he still gambles I will not speak to him any more. She told me later that he said I don’t have the right to tell him to stop gambling or what to do with his money since it is his money after I gave it to him. I was totally hurt when I found out later that my Mom also complained to my cousins and her sisters and said the same thing, which I was wrong for telling them what to do with “their money.” They don’t even admit that they have a problem. Now I am not even sure who was the one who thinks that I was wrong by telling them not to gamble any more? But to tell you the truth it does not really matter any more.
Needless to say I was totally furious. To me, they are like “partners in the crime” and they know my soft spot all too well since I had been emotionally abused by them when I was just a helpless little girl and they are taking full advantage of my weakness.
They forgot that I really don’t need her to help for babysitting any more since my daughters are 14 and 13 years old. And I don’t need his help to pick up my daughters either since hiring a chauffer to do the work will cost me much less money and minus the pains he had caused us. And it is amazing how fast they have forgotten why I had offered to help them? Their minds are so twisted into believing that I am the one that are dependent for their help at home and they are the one that are “helping” me and I should be appreciative and grateful instead of the constant nagging for them to stop gambling.
My parents had made me into a bitter person. And I am full of resentments and negative thoughts. I felt frustrated with them and I don’t understand why should I be the one that suffers and worries all the time that they would lose everything? I think they had finally tested my limit and this time I am really going to walk away from them. I don’t believe they will ever change since they don’t even think they have a problem. And truly I know I must draw a line to free myself from them. My CG dad had made my mother life like living hell and it will be the worst nightmare for me if I let them do the same thing to me and one day become a CG as well.
It is so horrible what ONE CG can do to you and the people around him. It all started off with my Dad. He had made his mom suffered while she was alive; and his negative influences also turned my Mom into a CG just like him; and he is also somehow affecting my daughters’ life for putting me into miserable. I know I must put a stop onto this. Two generations of suffering is more than enough.
— 11/30/2010 11:06:16 PM: post edited by pingguo.
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