- This topic has 25 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 7 months ago by I_Maverick.
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22 February 2015 at 2:11 pm #28948Mark89Participant
Hi all,
I’ve been logging onto this site reading all the posts for the past 2-3 weeks and have finally decided to start my own journal. I’m currently on the waiting list for the program and am desperate to get in as these last few weeks have been hell. I write this as the feeling of impending doom looms over me and am just waiting for the deep depression to kick in again.
A bit about myself, I’m 25, been gambling for 17years. It started with fruit machines at the local snooker hall and on holiday, moved to online poker at 14 where at age 16/17 I was winning £4-500 a week online. Then my gambling started to become a problem when sports betting at 16. No win was ever enough. At 18 I left school with ideas of being a professional poker player having built up a decent bankroll. After losing my bankroll in one night I was forced into getting a job. The sports betting increased, poker decreased, not that poker was the answer as I’d started losing at that to. I started borrowing thousands. Numerous dealings in conventional loans, payday loans, credit cards etc, I’ve probably blown £100,000 in the last few years. It pains me to say that in recent years I have lied, cheated and stole money off family and friends in order to feed my gambling habit.
I have been trying to quit for the last 4 years. I’ve had successful periods of 70 or 100 days then things go wrong and in the space of 24hrs I could undo all the good Id previously done. I then end up worse than before.
I have had serious suicide thoughts because of the pain I’ve caused but I don’t even have the guts to do that. In recent times I often place a reckless bet to get me ‘out of trouble’ with the thoughts in my head saying if this loses I’ll end it all.
As I write this I’m sitting here thinking of how to get money to put on my next bet and looking at what to bet on. I’ve found myself putting ante-post bets on before saying I’ll give up, probably because I’m scared to let go of gambling.
Life is just shit and pointless, writing this has actually made me more depressed remembering everything I’ve done and the pain I’ve caused. I’d want to go on, but i don’t have the energy now
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22 February 2015 at 5:04 pm #28949AnonymousGuest
Hi Mark ,
Well done on joining this site. You will find so much support on here. Compulsive gambling is a sneaky addiction which creeps up on you , but with support you will find yourself living a gamble free life.
Check out the groups also where you can chat to others who are working towards or have overcome this addiction. There is also a helpline which I found really helpful. Welcome to the site and I hope to see you here all the time -
22 February 2015 at 6:37 pm #28950jansdadParticipant
Welcome to the forum Mark. If there was an easy way to stop gambling most of us wouldn’t be here. I can relate to what you say though – not gambling for weeks or months and then catching up in one single day and losing what you normally would have lost (or more) had you not “stopped” in the first place… 🙁
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22 February 2015 at 7:29 pm #28951velvetModerator
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Hello Mark
and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forumsHere at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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22 February 2015 at 7:35 pm #28952I_MaverickParticipant
Hi Mark,
Well done for coming here. I just had a relapse after a year clean. I am close to losing everything, but I have the community here to be amazing and they have really helped me. I intend to stay in this community, do GA and also GamCare, Find your nearest GamCare counselling group and speak to someone. I have found that my gambling is a result of something else deep inside me. It is an insidious disease. The more you win, the more you want to win. And then when you lose, you have to become reckless to chase losses. We cannot be normal gamblers or players, we always lose our heads.
Good luck, and feel free to write at any time. The people at the end of the helpline are fantastic, they all understand what you are going through.
Good luck, and keep posting.
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24 February 2015 at 6:12 pm #28953Mark89Participant
Thanks for the welcoming messages. I’ve been really desperate the last few days, but luckily work has been busier and I’ve been ill and managed to keep money out of my hands and avoid temptation. I dread the weekend when I’m left alone to my own devices. Still not feeling overly positive. I wish I was a more positive person rather than a pessimist. Trying to tackle each day I guess
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24 February 2015 at 6:56 pm #28954AnonymousGuest
I hope you get into Gordon Moody shortly, its a great place that can really help you to live life without gambling.
I dont suppose there’s someone you trust that can keep hold of your money until you go to GM.
I once spent a couple of months on a psychiatric ward after a suicide attempt, and like you also employed the “if this bet dosn’t win I’ll do myself in” philosophy. Very serious I was too. The reason I’m telling you this is so you know you are not alone in how you feel or behave.
So please dont give up. Even without GM you can get youself sorted, but I must admit that it does give you the best possible chance.
Weekends are tough for lots of gamblers, I appreciate that. Can you not think of anything other than gambling to fill the time. Maybe the baths and then the pictures, better than bookies and casinos.
There are plenty of chatrooms on this site and gamcare and ga over the weekends you will usually find someone around who is experiencing the same as you and usually somebody who has experienced it in the past but dosn’t gamble now or want to.
It might seem to you like you have an impossible task ahead, dont let it overwhelm you. Its not impossible.
Life certainly does appear shit and worthless when you’re gambling I wouldn’t be surprised if it makes you feel shit and worthless too. To come looking for help for your problem shows that you do care about yourself, you are certainly not worthless.
If you have time try and access the live help on here you may well end up speaking to a compulsive gambler that hasn’t gambled for years.
Hope you stick around, and I wish you every success at GM.
Geordie.
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24 February 2015 at 7:14 pm #28955Mark89Participant
Thanks for the comments Geordie, it does help hearing similar stories and knowing people do read.
Luckily my mum has taken control of my salary and monies, but she’s very frugal and doesn’t believe I should spend on myself until my debts are all cleared. Rightly or wrongly this has made me get more depressed as I can’t organise to go out with friends or do anything I want. Hence not going out for 2 months now. It’s all my own fault and on bad days Ive even found myself still trying to borrow money off friends. Last months borrowed and tried to juggle money to cover my tracks. I’ve asked friends not to lend me, but there’s only so many obstacles I can put in place! It’s all become so embarrassing, practically begging for money from friends to bet with, I’ve managed to isolate myself. one day I’ll bet £1000 on something and then the next I’ll have a 50p accumulator to give me hope (false hope obviously). As we speak I get really anxious about not being able to bet on the Cheltenham festival which had been a big occasion for me. I’ve been trying to avoid it, but it’s very hard.
I’ve tried loads of obstacles, but in desperation I keep finding ways around them, then being disgusted at myself after.What’s really depressing is I hate the person I’ve become! I hope things get better, but that hope fades day by day.
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24 February 2015 at 8:06 pm #28956AnonymousGuest
Speaking to people in real time can and does help, have you tried any of the groups yet?
I have a very early start tomorrow so wont be there myself but I’m sure you’ll feel the benefit
I gambled in the bookies too but find that Cheltenham, Aintree and Epsom might aswell have been Hexham, Taunton and Carlisle. It was all just another race meeting to gamble on. Whats the worse that could happen if you “miss” Cheltenham, you miss a few winners? You’ve had winners before …look where you are now…..it hasn’t changed anything.
Dont let the hope fade away, you’ve gambled for years you’ve got nothing but debt to show for it. You can get help managing that debt but need to stop gambling. You want to stop gambling, you’re well on the way. Imagine how much you could have saved in just one year without gambling, £5000, £10000? Maybe a lot more.
Its not impossible to stop gambling, and although it must seem daunting to you, it does not have to be hard. It does require a lot of changes and GM will give you a lot of help in realising this.
I can really understand your situation with your mum, and although it might be frustrating remember the years of frustration you’ve caused her. Never the less is it not worth talking to her, maybe let her know you’re seeking support now, not just sitting on your backside waiting for GH. She will probably be over the moon just to see you really trying.
You wont always be the person that you’ve became, life is a journey, you changed into that person, there’s nothing stopping you changing into a better person once again, and you’re making a change just by being here.
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25 February 2015 at 11:17 am #28957I_MaverickParticipant
I feel the same way but with poker. When my family first realised I had a problem I was in total denial. I went to GA because of them. I couldn’t see how playing all the time was a problem. I had just inherited 5K and my wife said I would lose all that becuase she knew I was an addict. I denied this and within 6 months it was gone, as were all my savings. I was obsessed with playing, but even when I won I never cash ed out, kept records of how much I was depositing or how much time I was playing. I just played all the time, on compuyters, iphones etc etc. i read book, watched videos. I totalluy negltected by company, my life, my wife.
Because I was in denial the problem got worse. I get so depressed when I think what my life would be like now if I had quit then. Just cut my lossses – but this illness doesn’t work like that for us. We just can’t stop, it gets in our mind, and if we allow the urges to work we will gamble. If we start to believe what we need.
I know if I relapse again, however small, even if I win, then I will be thinking when can I play again. I will be at work finding excuses to be on my own, and when talking with others just wanting to play. If I was normal I could play for a few hours, and then – up or down – leave it for days or weeks. But as I am addicted it doen’t matter if I am up or down, I just want to keep doing it. And it has no benefit.
So I accept am addicted. I accept it will do me no good. I will feel awful if I play because it means the lieing starts again, the deviving. I know that even if I played just once a week, it would soon start to go crazy again. It gets in my head so I cannot focus on other things. That is the disease. It obsessed us, and so we do not make smart decisions. There is something in our psyche that means we cannot do it every so often.
This is what I am learned. This is true for me.
Be strong – realise that life IS worth living living without gambling. Because life with gambling IS NOT worth living. You’ll nevcer achieve anuything, never have anything, never be happy. But I know if I stay stopped, of course I will have urges, but I can let them pass. And in time I will eventually forget – but that takes years. It is a mental illness, and it adds to depression, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness. i am only talking about me and cannot talk abut anyone else.
I am posting here a lot, just to get my feelings out. My thoughts are with you because I know how hard it is. I know some days will be easier than others. This is addiction, it is a compulsion to do something even though it causes harm
Good luck, and feel free to write me.
Keep utting your thoughts on here. I know that helps me.
Good luck and speak soon
mav
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25 February 2015 at 12:13 pm #28958Andy147Participant
I too am awaiting my space at GM and can 100% understand your feelings Mark. I’m 47 and have relapsed so many times. Just lost my 3rd wife through my lying and deceitful ways. She’s a wonderful woman. Other family members are great too. But I have destroyed them Didn’t want to. Love them all. BUT this addiction will not go away. It’s the biggest, ugliest, most destructive thing in the world to me. I too attempted suicide. I too am desperate to get to GM. Hope to see you there. You are NOT alone. There are millions that share your illness.
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25 February 2015 at 8:24 pm #28959Mark89Participant
Thanks for the comments maverick, they really struck a familiar cord. I’m the same in the respect that I can’t place one bet however big or small as it soon starts to snowball again. Some people seem to go to GA and can just cut down and place the odd small bet. But I know I don’t have thag resolve I need to quit. Not sure if anyone feels the same, but my biggest struggle is the lost years I’ve wasted. I became a gambling recluse for years not going out or speaking to anyone. I’m only 25 and it’s all the small stuff which I missed out on from 15-25 which are supposed to be great times going out with friends, on holiday etc. I know I’ll never have this time back as what few friends I have left are now at different stages of life and settling down. I know I will lose many more yrd if I keep gambling, but it’s those lost years which hurt the most!
Thanks too Andy and sorry to hear what gambling has done to you too. Hopefully get into GM soon to!
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25 February 2015 at 10:01 pm #28960moniqueParticipant
It is a horrible feeling that you have lost those lovely years. But please remember that they are not just happy, carefree years for everyone. Lots of young folk struggle with different things as they adapt to adult life. Don’t torture yourself thinking the rest of the world has had a great time and only you have made poor decisions etc.
Now, take stock and look to what you can achieve if you begin the journey of recovery – and I don’t necessarily mean material success, etc – but things like living honestly and with some contentment etc.
I wish you well.Monique
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26 February 2015 at 4:27 pm #28961FritzParticipant
I have huge past regrets too. I daydream about the wonderful place I would be in life if I hadn’t gambled. But I try to remind myself that I cannot know how life would have been. I may have had other bad experiences, I may have been hit by a bus and dead already! Who knows? Who cares? It is a complete waste to speculate and ruminate on what might have been. When these thoughts come, I try to gently remind myself to instead think of all the good thing s I can appreciate in my current life, however small, and be thankful for them in a humble way. I also try to refocus on goals for the future, and small steps I can take toward achievement of those goals. I have learned that I can be a bit happier if I take these steps.
Gambling is evil to me. It drags me into a painful past. But only if I decide to let it. I am determined to leave it behind, and take control of my present instead.
I know how you feel, been there many times. Don’t give up, and remember that by working on yourself each day there is a brighter future for you. Be patient, and believe that the pain will subside as time passes.
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28 February 2015 at 12:08 pm #28962velvetModerator
Hi Mark
Forget the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ there is a lot of life in front of you to be enjoyed in a way you would not believe possible at the moment.
It will take time to find your feet. An active addiction goes hand in hand with being reclusive but given time you will make friends and live a different and better life – I know because I have seen it happen.
Look on the misery of your so-called ‘lost years’ as something to build on, an experience that is worth using to ensure a better future. I lived with the addiction to gamble for 25 years until my CG realised that enough was enough and went through the GMA programme, so he had a few more years than you to ‘regret’. He doesn’t dwell in those years but lives happily in control of his addiction. Like him, I use those years for reference only and I can tell you that life is not shit or pointless.
I wish you well on the project
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1 March 2015 at 12:45 pm #28963Mark89Participant
Some very useful thoughts, so thanks again all. Feeling very restless and useless today. Fortunately avoided a bet all wknd, in part because I have no money. Not sure if it’s boredom or withdrawal symptoms causing restlessness
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1 March 2015 at 1:37 pm #28964butchuglyParticipant
you are empowering yourself to take some control back. there is always a means to gamble if you search hard enough. you’ve made it to sunday. try and make it to monday.
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15 March 2015 at 6:09 pm #28965Mark89Participant
Two terrible weeks, the thought of Cheltenham made me borrow money and gamble, then I borrowed more money during cheltenham and now I’m back to square one like last month. Well more like square minus one, another backwards step. The impending doom of depression now here.
My salary is supposed to get paid to my mum every month, I’ve self excluded from over 20 bookmakers, but still ive found ways to gamble. Last month I had no money to get to work and my mum bailed me out yet again on the premise that my salary is paid to her. In the meantime ive managed tomorrow £1500 which needs to be paid back with this months salary. I can’t tell my mum ive gambled again, I was already on a last chance. My only thoughts are how to gamble my remaining salary back to win, in order to cover up my error. I know this has only 25% chance of success, but feeling desperate again with no way out. I can feel the impending doom and suicidal thoughts building up. Completely lost in helplessness. This has happened in about 10 of the last 12 months…. The atmosphere at home is horrendous, my mum and stepdad on verge of divorce, my mum stressed everyday about what I’m going to do, this will just too it all over the edge. I just can’t see a way out, yet again and now I’m just waffling on and don’t have the energy to edit this post.
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15 March 2015 at 6:13 pm #28966Mark89Participant
I can’t even go one day, even whilst typing this message I’m thinking about what to bet on and scheming. I need help but I can’t even help myself
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16 March 2015 at 9:35 pm #28967moniqueParticipant
How are you today? I can see you have been struggling and feeling so low. Please remind yourself that chasing losses or any gambling will NOT get you out of this terrible place, but only drag you down further.
Please also think of one practical thing you can do to make a change, no matter how small, for the better; one positive action you can take to find the strength to refuse the urges to gamble. Writing here is great. Do you also use the groups and helpline etc? Do you have GA group to go to? A mentor to confide in?
Sorry for so many questions – but just really want you to turn your mind and attention to avoiding all gambling and wanting you to focus on what will help you do that.
Do post again soon.Monique
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16 March 2015 at 10:16 pm #28968Mark89Participant
Thanks Monique. Yes I use use the helpline but right now I can’t see or think properly. I just can’t see a way out. I even put on a 50p accumulator today in desperation as this was all the money I had spare. Typically I would have bet in 100s or 1000s, not that the amounts are relevant. It’s just madness, I know it’s madness but I can’t stop the madness. I just feel guilty when I sign into the chat groups knowing that I have gambled that day! I feel like I don’t deserve anyone’s time when I can’t even put a day togeather. I continue yo hit lower lows. I hope tomorrow brings a better day and I have some strength
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16 March 2015 at 11:02 pm #28969moniqueParticipant
Yes, I hope so. Try to make it your absolute prime motivation to be gambling free. But also try to think about other things – you started gambling very young, but I wonder what other things interested you in life? What would you enjoy doing? Can you get involved in something that takes your mind elsewhere?
I hope you get your place in rehab soon too – I think you are waiting for that?
Anyway, hold on and believe for better things, take action for better things.Monique
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16 March 2015 at 11:27 pm #28970I_MaverickParticipant
Hi Mark,
I know where you are coming from. At the moment my emotions are all over the place. I relapsed over the weekend and almost lost all my money. However I did lose more trust, self-respect, more time I should be working. I still want to gamble, but I don’t. I went to GA tonight – today is day 1 again for me. You can do it. I too have been beating myself up for so long I punish myself by gambling so I can feel more self pity. I think that’s why I gambled, because I hate myself. I need to change that.
I am done with this, it is not normal. This is a very insane way to live a life. I have to stop before I lose EVERYTHING.
You can do it, as I know I can do it. But it is one day at a time. Have a read of Fritz and Charlsters posts – they are awe inspiring, amazing, honest and they will speak to you as they spoke to me. They have cracked something, they have found the inner light. You can too.
Feel free to write me at any time, we are in the same boat. Up shit creek and without a paddle, but between us we ban build a paddle, one day at a time and start sailing towards the clean water, away from the sewer.
Good luck, my prayers are with you.
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17 March 2015 at 8:30 pm #28971velvetModerator
Hi Mark
How about telling your mum about the Friends and Family group and/or forum? Nothing said in the group appears on the forum and your mum would get invaluable support. If your mum is supported she will be in a much better position to support you in the right way. My CG didn’t want me to have knowledge of his addiction in the early days but I went to Gamanon and learned to understand. As a result I stopped doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons and in the end was able to support him without fear, so it was great for both of us. I would recommend to all those who love CGs that they gain knowledge of the addiction that has hurt them so that when their loved one takes the leap of faith, that is called recovery, they can be the rock the CG needs – and not hamper, through ignorance the fantastic transformation that comes about when the addiction to gamble is controlled.
I know that the waiting time to get into GMA is tough but you can use this time to strengthen your determination and commitment for a gamble-free life and you can start today, if you couldn’t I wouldn’t be writing to you. GMA will give you the tools for the future but with gamble-free days under your belt it will be easier to accept those tools more quickly.
I wish you well
Velvet -
17 March 2015 at 8:45 pm #28972Mark89Participant
Thanks for the advice and messages. I’ll definitely try Monique as I used to be a good sportsman, but slowly quit everything such as football, golf, snooker as it was getting in the way of my gambling.
Maverick – do you know where I would find the fritz & charlatans posts, on here?
I’ll definitely recommend the help groups for my family, hopefully it will make the atmosphere a little less tense. Thanks for the advice folks, whilst not everything sinks in as I’m up and down recently I do really appreciate it and will keep trying to avoid gambling. Luckily stayed away today, but perhaps more because I have no money…
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19 March 2015 at 8:52 am #28973I_MaverickParticipant
Fritz’s and charlster’s posts are all on the front page. They are great examples of cgs getting a hang of their addictions and being honest. They have inspired me a lot. I am into day 4 now and yesterday was hard. Full of regret and emptiness.
I wish you all the best and stick around and keep posting. They tell me it will get better.
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