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19 February 2015 at 2:37 am #28780lauwtjee1Participant
Well, here I am. 19 years old and writing a diary about my gambling problems. Tonight was the first visit to this website and I immediately went to the chat and met nice people. I told them a part of my story and they said that it would help when I write a diary.
I started with some gambling when I was 13 or 14 years old I think. It was an online game and you were able to play poker with others. I wanted to be the best at the game and have loads of money so I bought credits on the game by phone so I was able to afford ingame money to play poker, I got addicted to it. It escalated quickly and at some point I called the number and I got an automated message on the line saying that I could not call anymore because the bill was too high. It was my parents phone number and I didn’t knew how big the bill was until my mother got the bill and said what the fuck I have done to our family because it was a few hundred euro’s. I never called any expensive phone number from them or secretly bought credits for any game what so ever.
But at the age of 16 I started doing some bets on sports, just small stakes like 5 euro’s or playing some roulette with 15 euro’s. Because I wasn’t 18 yet my parents could see my bank transactions so I never could deposit a lot of money. But at the age of 18 they weren’t able to see my transactions anymore and at that point I got more money from jobs and started to gamble 30 euro’s, 50 euro’s , 60 euro’s. Won a bit but also lost a bit. And after after a few months I started to bet 100 euro’s and 150 euro’s because I thought that it would be easier to go from 150 euro’s to 300 in an hour than as I would have start at 50 euro’s. I won some and I lost some. I only do online gambling. Went to the casino with friends 3 or 4 times but it was only for fun and only amounts like 50 euro’s. I never really had debts because I live at home with my parents and the only thing I have to pay on my own every month are my college funds and phone bill.
Every time when I lost money I wanted to get it back but most of the time there was something that made me not do it because I would get in trouble. I got in problems with paying my college funds and phone bill a few times because of gambling but never really into big trouble until 3 weeks ago. I had to pay new books and pay a deposit for a vacation with friends. I made 225 euro’s profit at an online casino and withdrawd it into my bank account. But after making some calculations I came to the conclusion that after I’ve paid my bills and bought the books I wouldn’t have any money left. So I started gambling again in the middle of the night and made some nice profit again and requested a withdrawal. 2 days later the withdrawal wasn’t finished yet and I started gambling again and cancelled the withdrawal. I had my exams that day and it was again in the middle of night. I started gambling again and made some more profit but I couldn’t get myself to a stop. I had a lot of stress at that moment because of school and stuff and I was a bit tired and lost everything. I got really mad and decided to cancel the bill of my college fund and gamble it. it was 2 months of college funds and 370 euro’s and I gambled it away within half an hour or something. At that time I felt destroyed. The amount of money that I had lost wasn’t that big but I could have payed all my bills and books and have some nice money to do some fun stuff with. And I had no money left and I had to wait 3 weeks before I would get money again. I didn’t even think about gambling the past 3 weeks until today. I got my salary and first thing I did was gambling it because I still have to pay those bills and I also want some extra money. I failed of course and lost my whole salary in an hour. I felt really bad because I hadn’t learn anything from the last time and the bills have to be payed. I get some money next week and I can cover most of the bills by it. Maybe it’s possible for me to arrange something with the phone company.
Today and 3 weeks ago, I believe that it’s exactly 3 weeks ago are the worst 2 days in my life I can remember. After reading some other diaries I see people losing a lot more money than me but after thinking about it I thought that it doesn’t matter what the amount is but what I could have done with the time and money.
I am self exluted from most of the sites but my main concern is that I need to gamble the money I get next week and try to make profit so I can pay everything and I’m scared about that.I don’t want to tell my parents about this because they were really mad when I was 13/14 for the online game. Sometimes they ask if I save some money in my bank account and I tell them there is a little bit but there is nothing. It isn’t only the gambling problem but I also can’t save any money in my bank account. I need to spend it somewhere or go to the ATM and put the money into my pocket. That’s because of the fact that I started saving money when I was young till I was 15 I think and discovered that my mother used my saved money to pay her own bills because she also spends a lot of money. That has really affected my life.
I don’t have any big debts or something at the moment. Only debt is at the phone company because I cancelled a bill tonight.
I want to stop gambling forever and I hope that talking here on this forum helps me a bit. I can’t talk about this with anyone.My English isn’t really that good but I think that the story is clear.
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19 February 2015 at 8:58 am #28781DuncKeymaster
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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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19 February 2015 at 5:54 pm #28782moniqueParticipant
Hi Lauwtjee. It is good to see your name on here, too. It was good to meet you in the group. Now I know some more about your story. I think you will also get replies here from other members who will share ideas with you. Gradually you will find a way forward – it is good that you are taking positive steps to recognize the problems and to seek ways to recovery.
I’m sure you would agree that gambling to make money does not work. Perhaps that is a good place to start – try to get that message firmly in your thinking. Ask for help to do that – by writing about the urges when they come etc and hearing what others have to say to encourage you to resist those urges.
I notice you said that you did not think about gambling while you had no money, but when your money came in, you did. So it could be useful to have someone you trust to manage your money for a while. It looks like your mother would not be able to do this – is there someone else?
I wonder if you would benefit from speaking to someone on the Live Helpline too, when it is open. You will see it noted on the web page.
Anyway, I think you are doing well in seeking help and you will find you can make great progress.Very best wishes,
Monique
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19 February 2015 at 9:20 pm #28783pParticipant
Wonderful you have come here its a step in the right direction it shows you want to help yourself.. we really have to want to stop, this is a very cunning addiction.. good on you for reaching out.. was nice to see you in chat
P
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24 February 2015 at 1:57 am #28784kpatParticipant
Hi there and welcome! What would you do if you lose and keep playing? You came to this site for help to stop gambling. If you think that gambling is a way to make money cwhen you are short of funds, you may not have reaached the pain threshold yet. Everytime I gamble it makes me even more in debt. It has never been the solution for my financial problems. It has only made them worse.
My suggestion is to hold on to all you can, pay all the things you have to and offer to do some work for a friend to make up the difference. Can you tutor someone? Can you sell something? Gambling has a way of taking more than you meant to let go. -
25 February 2015 at 2:18 am #28785FritzParticipant
I just read your journal so far, and it is great that you recognize that you need to stop at this stage of life and not let it carry on. Also great that you are thinking about your future life, and how it could be really terrible if you continue gambling. Your intuition about this is spot on.
The lure of gambling is that you can get something for nothing. What a great thing that would be if it were true! A dream, a fairy tale! The fact is that it is a LIE! The sooner that you can grasp this the sooner you will be able to get this monkey off your back. Each time you go back, it becomes more difficult to stop.
I can tell you from sad experience, that the losses continue to get larger, the trouble continues to grow. More stress, more headaches, more tears, more sleepless nights. More kicking yourself, more empty promises, more guilt, more shame. It always gets worse, never better.
It is a fantastic first step that you have taken to get your life back on track. Leave gambling behind, and never look back! Get all the help you can, and don’t ever feel embarrassed or shy about trying to recover or asking for help. It is your life, your future that is at stake. Don’t despair, there is hope!
Cheers!
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25 February 2015 at 3:37 pm #28786moniqueParticipant
I’m glad you are writing and keeping in touch with people here. I want to reinforce the message you received from Fritz – he has written some wise words, especially ‘leave gambling behind’. Now, I know that is easier to say than to do, but it is the core message to stay with from now on.
Getting into recovery is not going to be about sorting out different ways to ‘make money by gambling’ in any form. When gambling becomes problematic for someone, it is the ‘leaving it behind’ that becomes the important task. I would strongly urge you to make that your priority and use your reasoning, planning and intelligence to find the support you need to help you in this new venture. You are young and have not gone too far into debt nor activities that harm you and those you love, so you can have a good and positive future without gambling. In gambling you will always lose in the end. In recovery, you can make a life you can be proud of and save yourself and others from pain and trauma.
So try to focus on finding the best ways to help yourself ‘leave gambling behind’.
I have groups at 20.00 and 21.00 hrs (UK time) today.
Very best wishes,
Monique
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27 February 2015 at 4:59 pm #28787jansdadParticipant
Hey lauwtjee. Nederlander, toch?
I remember myself at your age, a quarter of a century ago I was in Amsterdam all by myself with a nasty gambling addiction. Back then slots (fruit kasten) were everywhere, I played those for a couple of months but then somehow got over it. I used to work as a waiter and I got paid daily. And of course I would gamble my daily wages on those slots every day. Then one day I was walking home and i wanted to go to a pub where they had these slots, but instead, without thinking I started running away from that place and towards my home like a mad man.
I never play slots after that.
But you know how it goes, altijd verrasing maar zelden een leuke, I upgraded to better and bigger things and started going to the Holland Casino. This was before they had poker and I played first roulette and then black jack. I was losing more than i could afford. It was horrible. I even banned myself but then used a friend’s ID to get in. He didn’t even look like me, that’s how desperate and addicted I was.25 years later I’m still fighting the same demons. Sometimes with more sometimes with less success.
You don’t want to play even with play money, believe me. You want to stay away from anything gambling related. Don’t let another 25 years pass before you realize it.
Success jongen!
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27 February 2015 at 11:16 pm #28788jansdadParticipant
ik ben joegoslaaf oorspronkelijk maar woonde een tijdje in NL.
I started gambling at early age and gambling is big part of my identity. Everyone I know I know through gambling. Even my wife who worked there at the time. And yes gambling is fun and even beneficial (good contacts, nice people, a lot of fun) if you’re able to contain it.
I was able to for many years. But then the addiction progressed and the losses far outweighed the benefits I was getting from gambling. Why don’t you go and play video games and hang out with kids who are playing games or do sports or whatever. Once you get hooked onto gambling it only gets worse if you continue to gamble it never gets better. -
8 March 2015 at 7:39 pm #28789moniqueParticipant
Hi Lauwjtee. I am sorry to hear about this trouble you are in. I see that you are resisting urges to gamble to get the money you need – that is good. Please keep on reminding yourself that gambling can only lead to more trouble and loss and it cannot ever solve your problems – the addiction will try to tell you it can solve them, but really it can only add to them. I hope you have managed to continue resisting and that you can divert your mind in other ways.
Is there anyone close you can confide in while you wait to contact your school and your bank? Are there student support services at your school, where you can explain what has happened and get advice and/or advocacy?
It is tough facing this financial difficulty, but try to stay calm and determine to talk to school and your bank as soon as you can on Monday (tomorrow). If you can pay 2 months fees to school, maybe they will accept that and let you back? It is often better to offer part of what you owe to any organization and keep in contact with them. It is not always ‘an all or nothing’ scenario. Can you also speak with your bank tomorrow? I’m wondering also about the phone bill? – you say you were back on schedule until the phone payment got taken automatically; I am wondering if you are spending a large amount on your phone and if there is a possibility that you can reduce this in future to avoid this kind of unexpected problem? Can you re-think how you use it and/or change to a different provider or payment schedule? Can you ensure that you know when and how much you will be paying?
I don’t know if these ideas are useful and relevant for you – if not, perhaps others will write with better ideas. But I hope it helps to know you can share your worries here and that people care. Let us know how you get on.Monique
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9 March 2015 at 7:47 pm #28790moniqueParticipant
Hello again. I am wondering what has happened today? Were you able to get any practical help with the school situation? I hope you are all right.
Monique
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10 March 2015 at 8:23 pm #28791I_MaverickParticipant
Dude, that is so fantastic. Really happy for you. So you panicked a little bit over what you imagined as a bigger problem that what it was, and you sorted it.
2 weeks no gambling is such a great achievement. One day at a time really adds up. I find the success stories here so important for my own recovery. I have such a huge journey, but as the drugs kick in and my days without gambling add up, I become more clear headed all the time.
Keep posting L, I love your style.
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22 March 2015 at 4:40 am #28792LibertyParticipant
we spoke late at night in chat room a while back just us, I just wanted to say I am so pleased to hear how well you are doing and that you have been so sensible with the blocks in place. You can do great things this month, go you, a big well done Lau. Take care and carry on having fun and a good life with gambling your past and your future be filled with all the joy of youth ( old codger here as you know :))
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22 March 2015 at 4:31 pm #28793moniqueParticipant
Hi Lauwtjee.
That’s good news and thank you for such a positive update. I’m glad you are finding your way forward so well. Keep going and keep in touch.
Best wishes,Monique
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13 May 2015 at 12:15 am #28794veraParticipant
Compulsive Gamblers CANNOT control gambling.
No win will ever be big enough.
The more a CGs wins, the more he/she gambles.
The problem is progressive.
Losses increase quickly when we lose control.
The fun ends when we lose everything we could have called our own.
Once we cross the line into compulsive gambling, we can never gamble normally again.
We are only as sick as our secrets.
Lies and deceit are the tools a CG uses.
Money loses it’s real value and becomes ammunition to gamble.
Truth and honesty (with yourself and with significant others)
Are the tools we need in Recovery.
Gamblers cannot/should not handle money.
All access to money must be blocked off.
Lots of help available.
Start by postponing your next bet, one day at a time.
It IS possible to stop and to stay stopped.
Action speaks far louder than words.
I learned all this the hard way.
I am putting it into action at last.Wishing you all the best with your presentation.
Well done on your G Free time! -
1 July 2015 at 7:43 pm #28795moniqueParticipant
Good to hear from you and to see you writing in such a positive and thoughtful way. I wish you well.
Monique
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28 February 2016 at 1:08 am #28796I_MaverickParticipant
Cool post, I remember you from last year, on at the same time as me. It sounds like you are trying to tame the beast instead of get off. Fair play, that’s your call. You did describe how you spotted amounts were going up. Fair play. I couldn’t do that I cannot control it. Even if I think I am in control, that’s the addiction and that allows it to explode.
Your post made me smile, because recovery is personal for all of us. I hope what you are doing works for you. 😉
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25 October 2016 at 1:04 am #28797veraParticipant
Hi Lauw!
You didn’t make two mistakes.
You only made one !
Any CG who can access €700 is making a BIG mistake, because whether it takes two hours, two days or two weeks, the money will ALWAYS vanish in a casino.
I’m very sorry for your loss. I really am. I’ve been in your situation many many times. The shock is something we all recover from eventually. In the meantime, please learn from this mistake and never allow yourself to have large amounts of money available unless you are prepared to kiss them goodbye!
Well done on posting.
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