Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #5016
    Tinker bell
    Participant

    Hi this is new to me , but I just don’t no what to do anymore , I love my ex with all my heart , he’s been badly gambling for the last 4years , emptied our account few times ect , anyway I started being tough and almost living like I wasn’t with him , because I wanted him to realise what he’d lose , well that back fired he said he didn’t feel loved anymore and although I begged him to stay ect , he left , I have now found out he had been talking to another woman , he left and is still continued to beg him , then he came round telling me how he’d still been gambling and I helped him try and sort finances , next day he said he’d rather not talk to me and two weeks later he’s told me about her and says they love each other ect , my heart is totally broken and I don’t no what to do ,

    #5017
    velvet
    Moderator

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    Hello Tinkerbell

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    #5018
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Tinkerbell
    It isn’t a backfire when a CG feels enablement slipping away and leaves to find enablement elsewhere Tinkerbell, it is the nature of the beast. Please don’t beat yourself up thinking what you could have done differently, your ex appears to have believed you were strong enough to resist his addiction and an addiction as strong as his doesn’t like to be thwarted.
    I cannot tell you what to do, I can only tell you I have heard of similar circumstances many times.
    I hear alarm bells ringing when you say you are prepared to beg for his to stay and I hope you will read more threads in this forum which will hopefully help you realise how powerful corrosive and dangerous the addiction to gamble can be. The fact that he turned up again to get help with his finances suggests he believes you are vulnerable so please be careful.
    You ex has managed to declare himself ‘in love’ in a very short space of time – time enough though for him to find somebody gullible who possible will provide him with money with which he can gamble. I may appear cynical to you but I unwittingly lived with the addiction to gamble for 25 years and I know how manipulative it is.
    I really do understand your pain but broken families and lives are harder to repair than a broken heart. I hope you will keep posting and hopefully reading.
    Velvet

    #5019
    Tinker bell
    Participant

    Thank you velvet for replying ,although I have lot of friends and family , they are brilliant and I don’t no what I would’ve done with them ,I lot has happened since my last post , I actually felt bit defensive for him re-your reply , he’s not a bad man , just has an illness and as much as it breaks my heart I can totally understand why he met someone else, he has no friends , family that aren’t close,and obviously he don’t want them to no , he feels ashamed and I basically turned my back an couldn’t be inter mate with him anymore , he left and feels he’s ruined his life an obviously he needs the love an support of someone , but I do feel he’s not thinking straight about his life , and as far as I’m aware he thinks he can stop by himself , I hope I’m wrong and he has sort help , but it’s been 5months now and I worry about him as much today as I have done for last 4years , obviously for myself I’m devastated but I so want him to be happy and sort his life out , I wish it had been with me , but I can’t seem to let go

    #5020
    Tinker bell
    Participant

    Oh and wen I found out about new girlfriend obviously I was mad with heartache and I private messages her on facebook , 2weeks later she tried to get me fired from work , saying I was harassing and threatening her , one message in a fit of despair , I have never heard of such a thing and find that very very strange and upsetting , I do look at things from other peoples view and I could never have done that , I’d have realised her upset and maybe told him to have a word , but to do that to me wen my life was falling apart already , I came close to ending things as u couldn’t take the pain anymore , so to kick someone wen there down is without words

    #5021
    charles
    Moderator

    Hi Tinker Bell,

    I see that you have posted this on a new thread as well but I thought I would reply here; it helps to keep things on the one thread, it’s easier to look back on and feedback and suggestions are less likely to be missed.

    I myself am a Compulsive gambler who hasn’t had a bet in a while now. I facilitate some of the groups here and there is a group for new members that is open now if you would like to connect to it. Alternatively Velvet hosts a group for Friends and Family tomorrow where you could talk to people in the same position as yourself.

    From what you have said it doesn’t sound like your ex is anywhere near ready to address his gambling. As Velvet has said, it sounds like he has found someone else to fund his gambling.

    That being the case there is still a lot of support available for YOU. Keep posting here, connect to the groups if you can. Read the other stories as well, you have to focus on you now.

    Any break up is hard, what has happened is not your fault I promise you. Things didn’t “backfire” you did the right thing in getting tough. Gambling is a progressive illness and ig you hadn’t got tough now then things would have gotten a lot worse as he carried on dragging you both down.

    I had the same illness as your ex. Yes it might have been the illness that turned me into an ****hole, unfortunately that didn’t change the fact that I WAS that ****hole! It was ME.

    Again keep posting here, I hope you connect to the groups as well. Keep talking and use all the support you need to give you the strength you need.

    #5022
    Tinker bell
    Participant

    Thank you Charles , I’m glad that you managed to come threw the other end if this , and helping others , so much has happened , I worry about him , and he says he loves her and maybe she will be reason he stops , but it’s left it’s. Ark on me

    #5023
    charles
    Moderator

    I’m sure it has. It does help to talk to others in the same position. I hope you manage to connect to the group here tomorrow evening. If you click on “Support Groups” then you will see the full group schedule.

    When you “got tough” you took the actions that were right for YOU. That makes them the right actions. He knows where support is, it’ll be up to him as to if/when he uses it. As Velvet has said, Compulsive gamblers are masters of manipulation and self justification. he feels ashamed? Clearly not ashamed enough to take the steps he needs to take to address things.

    As I said, now it is important that you focus on the important person here – you.

    I hope this helps.

    #5024
    Tinker bell
    Participant

    The saddest thing is I’m sure he loves me as much as I love him , but the gambling messed it all and he ran away from his shame and guilt rather than address it , I hope in years to come he realises , it’s easier to run especially with a woman offering it in a plate , but it doesn’t and will never make it right , I’m trying to focus on me and my life , the loneliness has been awful but I work shifts at hospital and trying to plan eve with friends and family , and hopefully volunteering at soup kitchen x

    #5025
    charles
    Moderator

    Well done, good first steps on your road to recovery.

    #5026
    Tinker bell
    Participant

    How long has it affected your life , if you don’t mind me asking and how are you doing

    #5027
    charles
    Moderator

    I gambled from as long as I can remember up to my 30’s. I haven’t had a bet now in some time – long enough to change my life around. The main thing for you now though isn’t my gambling, it isn’t even your husbands gambling, it’s YOU. Keep posting, get to Velvets groups and talk to othes in the same position as yourself, You can get past this and have a great life uneffected by someone elses gambling addiction.

    #5028
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Tnkerbell
    I’m sorry you got the impression that I thought your boyfriend was a bad man because I am very, very aware that good people have the addiction to gamble – the sad thing is that they do terrible things as a result of the addiction and it is the addiction that doesn’t like to be thwarted and can turn good people into the ****holes that Charles mentioned.
    You are very mature when you understand why he has turned to someone else – I know of many CGs who have left good relationships for someone willing to enable or (as you put it offer it on a plate) when enablement has stopped – but enablement will always be wrong. You tried to show him by withdrawing into yourself what he would lose and he either unwillingly or unwittingly mistook your motive.
    I can’t really comment on the facebook problem as I personally do not do or like facebook. If she is enabling him then she will have to find her own way to deal with it because enablement feeds the addiction and the longer it goes on, the bigger it gets.
    Unfortunately (or fortunately, I’m not sure which) crystal balls are not available so I cannot know your boyfriend’s outcome. What I do know from reading your posts is that you are a caring loving person who deserves to be cared for and loved and I hope you will keep seeing your good friends and focusing on yourself.
    You asked how long gambling affected Charles’s life and I will tell you that it affected my CGs life for 25 years but he now lives in control of his addiction and is happy, healthy, kind and understanding. I believe that because I unwittingly enabled for 23 of those years it probably took him longer to reach the point where he had had enough. Losing you hopefully will bring your boyfriend to that point quicker.
    As Charles so rightly says you can get past this.
    Velvet

    #5029
    Cheyetch
    Participant

    Sorry for you. I can understand your feelings. My husband was also addicted to gambling. We had many debts and we sold our properties to compensate. I started blaming him for that and we were on the verge of a divorce. As a last resort, I took him to a gambling addiction treatment center in Calgary. ( http://www.canadadrugrehab.ca/ ). I didn’t have much hope. But after the treatment, things have changed a lot. Now we are financially stable and have no issues. If you really love him and don’t want to lose him you can also give it a try.

    #5030
    Dayssiders
    Participant

    hey there everyone…. I am not sure but I have heard that some anti depressants like abilify – https://rxcoupons.org/coupons/abilify-aripiprazole-coupons-discounts-cost can help with gambling… I’ve never tried it on my loved one but I wanted to ask someone here and see if that’s true or not?

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