Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family My father is a gambler and I want to help him

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  • #6751
    queue
    Participant

    For years, I have kept my opinion about my father’s problem to myself because I personally dislike conflict and I like to believe and convince myself that things have changed– that he has changed.  

    For context, here are the things that had happened:

    1. At an early age, my father was exposed to an environment where the male figures in his life gamble and drinks alcoholic drinks.
    2. Ever since I was young (I am now 18), I remember my father coming home drunk after spending time with ‘friends’

    • I think the cause of this drinking problem was our financial position which may have caused both my parents’ enormous stress.

    3. In his workplace, gambling was the way most of his co-workers spend their free time

    • I remember my mother confronting him in places where he gambles. In the past, they fought almost regularly to the point that I grew accustomed to their act where the kiss and makeup.

    Additionally, here are the things that are happening as of now:

    1. My mom became an enabler of his gambling tendencies in a way that she has accepted and made terms with my father regarding his gambling. (PS. My mom is still hopeful that his conscience will wake him up and I do believe her but

    I only fear that maybe faith is not enough).

    2. He defends his problem by saying that it is only a past time, reasoning out that gambling is better than doing drugs, and stating the fact that we should not teach him how to enjoy or spend his life

     *Recently, we had an unplanned confrontation. It was triggered when we failed to acknowledge his presence and reconciling effort (he cooked a meal) after he has missed a family event

    due to the fact that he gambled again*

    What happened:

    1. My parents argued about money, debt, and business. I remember my father trying to emotionally attack my mother by saying that my mom is arrogant about the money she has acquired from
      investments and businesses. (I think he was playing victim, trying to project an image where he is the good one by antagonizing people)
    2. We came to their room. He began venting about how disrespectful we were for not talking to him and not noticing the meal that he cooked.
    3. My brother began to open up about how he felt. My father familiarly recited that he was wrong (for missing the family event)// this felt like a rewind of the things he had done before (apologizing
      and not doing anything to change)
    4. I was quiet but not for long. I exactly said this: I am not angry at you. I am just disappointed. (PS. This was a highly emotional moment, he paused for a while then he again said that he was wrong
      and that we were too independent to ever need him and that we shouldn’t apologize for our disrespectful attitude for he was also wrong. 
    5. He then reasoned out that he has given enough time for the family. I then said: Yes, you made time for us but it was not quality time. (He paused again and proceeded to remind me how he is still
      our father and I was in no position to dictate how he should live his life.

    So you could say that that was my breaking point. I have said a fraction of the things that have been on my mind– feelings of disappointment, frustration, and sadness. I admit that I was not as gentle and
    understanding as what I wanted to be. Again, this was an unplanned confrontation. I feel like I haven’t said everything that I needed to say. I want to talk to him about his gambling problem but I fear that he
    might deny his situation and brush gambling as a past time he has always done and enjoyed. It just hurts to think that he thinks and believes that he can’t change and this is the only person he could be. 

     

     

    #6752
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hello Queue

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

    Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

    Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

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