25 February 2017 at 8:05 am #5535
Hi everybody, looking for some support and advise.
When I first started dating my boyfriend, he told me he was a gambling addict but at the time he was living with his dad paying off his debt and trying to quit. As far as I knew he had overcome it. Yesterday he had a letter through the door that I opened due to suspicions and it was a debt company wanted to collect some money for a pay day lender. I confronted him about it and he told me last night that he was still addicted and that he needed help. He also came clean and said that he’s in around 1500 debt and that he’s spent out wedding savings. as I’m on maternity with our baby who is 3 months old, he is the main income and it was getting the point where certain bills weren’t being paid and letters were coming through the door stating that.. that I got suspicious. I want to help him beat his addiction but I’m scared of our future. We have a baby and I don’t want him to get us into trouble because of his gambling. I’ve told him that I will help him pay his debt, I’ll take his cards and check his bank statements each month to see what he’s spending and I’ve also made him an appointment at a clinic to get some councling but I’m still unsure how I feel about our future. Will he someday feel pressures or have a hard time and then go back to gambling for comfort? Will he find ways to gamble? Should I stay and help him? Even if i did leave, I’d still help him because he’s amazing and he’s my baby’s dad but I don’t know about our future. He asked me not to tell anybody so I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, vice me coming on here for support.
Ellie25 February 2017 at 10:53 am #5536velvetModerator
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
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The Gambling Therapy Team25 February 2017 at 2:03 pm #5537
Hi Elle, I am really sorry to hear about you having this blow at such a special time in your life.
You really are asking the right questions unfortunately no one can tell you what to do and there is no right or wrong in terms of how you feel about your partner. All i can do is give you some tips and my own experience.
The good things are he has told you initially, he has admitted it when he has been caught out and he is willing to seek help, these are good signs and give hope.
If you wish to help him the number one thing you need to do is take control of the money. This is not just for him but it is also to protect you and your baby. Gambling addiction is a horrible thing and it is a long process to be free of it so it is vital to take temptation out of the way and free access to money is the number one temptation. Gamblers at this stage often don’t want anyone to know but the reasons for letting people know are two fold. Firstly so you have support and secondly so that other people are aware of the problem and don’t inadvertently enable it by for example lending him money so I would encourage you to try and get him to be more open about it.
In all honesty the likely hood is he will gamble again at some point, there are no quick fixes, all you can do is reduce the likelihood by the things I have already outlined.
Is he attending GA? That could be a good starting point for him for his recovery.
I can not tell you to leave or stay but whatever you decided please take care of yourself and your baby. Spend time with friends or family, go shopping, do hobbies or whatever else you need to do. Perhaps even book a counselor for yourself to help you get through this period and have someone to listen to you and space to make these hard choices.
I am sorry for my short reply but I am just out the door. I have been dealing with this situation for many years myself though so if you want to have a look at my recent posts it might give you an idea of how it played out for me although my partner was many years into a very heavy addiction and multiple debts before I even met him.
Please keep us updated as here on the forum we always wonder how people are getting on and it can be a good place to make a start with taking care of your needs and worried. All the best Lily x26 February 2017 at 8:55 pm #5538
Thank you for taking the time out to reply to me, really appreciate it. Yeah I’ve taken control of the money, I’ve also got his online banking passwords to keep on eye out. But there’s obviously always going to be that doubt that he can just go get money to gamble with some place else. I’m also trying to get him into councelling but we haven’t had a call yet. Thanks for your comment, will keep you updated. X27 February 2017 at 12:12 pm #5539
Hi Elle, sounds like you are doing amazingly, While you are waiting for counseling their is also the helpline on this sight he can contact for help and advice and most gamblers anonymous are drop in (he can google to find the nearest), some people find GA invaluable.
I hope your baby is growing and thriving and you are able to enjoy him/her, tose first milestones go by in a flash so I hope you able to take time to enjoy them with all that’s going on. Do you have family near you for support for you?
Take one day at a time and keep on keeping on, Lily x28 February 2017 at 9:10 pm #5540
Yes, taking one day at a time. He’s so great so far and he’s being very open with me which is also good as it gets how he’s feeling off his chest. We do yes, but he partner doesn’t want any of the family to know.. he has however, told his close friend today which is progress.
Thanks Lily, hope you’re ok X1 March 2017 at 1:46 pm #5541
Hi Elle, that does sound like progress, the more people he can tell the more of a safety net he has around him even telling one person is a good sign. My partner now tells everyone, it has taken him a long time to get to that point but it has helped enormously with his recovery. Any news on the counselor yet? He will need help and support to move on with this, it is a very difficult (if not impossible) thing to escape from on your own. For my partner it has been a long and difficult recovery after 30+ years of ingrained gambling, the longer it goes on the worse it gets and the harder it becomes for them to see a way out so it is good your partner is looking at his problem relatively early on but it is important he gets the help he needs to back up his good intentions too.
I am glad you have family around you and hope you are enjoying motherhood. You are obviously a very caring person but (sorry to be repetitive), keep taking care of you and the time to do and enjoy what you love.
I am very good at the moment, I am enjoying my life and my partner who is in a really good place in himself and in his recovery right now. I have found that living in the moment but understanding that things do change for good and bad keeps me on an even keel. My ‘baby’ will be 11 this year and it only seems like yesterday he was a babe in arms like yours.
I hope you have a good week and things keep moving forward for you and your partner. Lily x
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