8 June 2023 at 9:01 pm #177476
Here I go. First step to achieve something I didn’t even consider achievable. Hey, I didn’t want to achieve it in the first place. My name is Mustafa and I’ve been seeing a therapist for almost a year and it opened my eyes greatly but we always talked about other problems in my life because they seemed more urgent and maybe they are but now I realize that gambling is a very, very, very big demon in my life that feeds on my anxiety, my childhood traumas, my big struggle to escape this world and the home I grew up in. He came to me when I was 18 years old (33 now – wow 15 years of betting huh, even typing it down feels weird) and I got hooked instantl.
We’ve been getting along so well for a so long time. It gave me euphoria, something to do, something to cheer on, something that makes me proud of myself because it looked like I’m doing something with my life which is a ironic thing because the thing I’ve been doing is just the opposite of it which is actually destroying my life. But I did not feel that or in a awkward way because my life was already semi-broken in many ways. I felt guilt, shame, undervalued, feeling bad because not being a religious person. So when I saw this demon, it looked very familiar, very friendly thing. Even didn’t think about it, I just gladly accepted it because it reminded me something deep down I think. Even today I do not know what it did remind me of something this deep and reflective. Still trying to figure it out. So we became best friends in a very short time. We shared a home, we shared a room, we shared a bed, we shared partners and friends. We did everyting together, even taking a shower. When I taking a shower, my eyes were always on the phone, waiting for a notification regarding my bets. But funny enough, we didn’t share the income I get. This demon was always making the juice out of it in first 5-10 days of the month and left me alone only to say “I’m hungry, find some money and feed me” 5 days later and I did what it asked because actually I liked this demon very much because it was just broken as me. We understood each other, we knew what we’ve been through is not something light and easy. He was my best friend for a long time, he didnt let me think my past, he didn’t let me be anxious about other people and stuff. He did lots of things for me.
But today I’ll try to say goodbye to this so called best friend who actually never cared for me or my emotions. It just saw a very nice, cozy, comfortable place to settle down and tricked me in such a way that I had no idea at all. The hardest part was realizing that there was actually no demon to blame at all. I did all of this, I made bad decisions and I own them. Today I’ll try to accept my mistakes and be peace at with myself.
Have a nice evening all.
8 June 2023 at 9:01 pm #177481zoyaModerator
Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums.
Here at Gambling Therapy, we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum, you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum, so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group on Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
The Gambling Therapy Team
19 June 2023 at 10:05 am #177859
Devil is still here but we are not best friends anymore. I knew I would not be able to exclude it from my life in an instant but even knowing that its here with me makes me stronger. I was so afraid to look into its eyes, now I can do it and say “hello bro”. Amount of my bets went down significantly. When winning, its easy to stop. Harder part is to stop when you’re losing. But amount is very low regardless. Generally if I had money in my bank account, I would be definitely betting. Now I got some money, feeling the pressure but trying new ways to trick my mind. It seems working but you never know.
19 June 2023 at 1:28 pm #177897CraigMac6Participant
Thanks for sharing your story. I would highly suggest getting gamban on all your devices. It prevents gambling sites from loading. It makes it much easier to defeat the urge of making a deposit into your account on payday.
Paydays those were always the hardest for me as well. If there is no money there is no interest, but as soon as the money comes 100 turns into 1,000 in a heartbeat.
Don’t believe the old fake friend. He never cared for you at all. Today we put one foot down and start taking back control of life. One day at a time. While the friend did Make a lot of hurt, confusion, anxiety seem non existent for a short while; it also took away our goals our motivation to be better. Because after all ur entire day was spent in a phone getting updates on a score/bet. That’s not living.
19 June 2023 at 2:37 pm #177899
Thanks Craig. Thats exactly how my last 10 years have been passing. Because of this I have so limited investment on myself and on my future. But we’re changing the course now.
5 July 2023 at 1:15 pm #178458betterlifeParticipant
Yo mustafa, I really hope your doing well. I’m glad you have discovered there is no ‘demon’ only your self. Its all in our minds. You are not alone, we all have demon’s. One day at a time my friend. Pay day is hard for all of us, have you someone close to you that you trust? I give my wages out and get drip fed as and when required. Its not ideal but its the way I address my money. What’s money if your not happy? What’s happiness if you’ve no money? Friends and family bring happiness, easy said than done but at 33 your still good to turn your life around. Try harder my friend. You are not alone.
5 July 2023 at 1:21 pm #178461monicaParticipant
Coming here and support each others is a big step that can help you realize that you are not alone. That you can trust and talk about how you feel. How things are going? Are you joining groups and/or talking to a friend about your recovery?
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