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hello everyone,
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nThis is my first journal. I have been on this site “seeking help” for about a couple years, I have read many forums, had moments of enlightenment but never stopped my problem. I have gotten the great advice to share my story, share my journey and experiences as a way to seek recovery. well… here it is….
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nI am 29 years old, I have been a gambling addict since I first stepped into a gaming facility. It all started for me when I was 19, my mom was an occasional bingo player and I have very found memories of us going together and spending hours together playing bingo, winning , losing, laughing. It was our time together away from home. My mother was always able to keep her playing as pure entertainment but for me, when I won the excitement fully consumed me ,an unforgettable feeling as we did not have much money. And when I lost , the regret and shame washed over me and I was determined to win again. Fortunately, there is only so much spending you can do at a bingo hall.
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n3 years ago, is when I discovered slot machines. The lights, sounds, the loud bell when you trigger a bonus. This is where my addiction became a real problem. For the past 3 years, I have spent every single extra dime I have plus some to these machines.
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nThere has been many times where I thought I was at my bottom, where after multiple trips to the bank machine and no big wins I sat in the bathroom of the facility crying, and not wanting to go home to beg for a loan to pay my bills for the month.
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nLuckily, I have a family member who bails me out of these situations. I am blessed with a family who will do anything to help me , to see me happy and to succeed, but I only care about me and feeding my addiction…
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nI thought the final straw might have been Christmas 2019, It was Christmas eve and I had not bought a single present for my family. I was there that evening playing the machines for the 3rd or 4th that week instead. My family was home putting up the Christmas tree and getting ready for the next days party… while I was sitting on my ass and handing my money over to a facility that couldn’t care less about me. That night….. I get back to my car and prayed with all my might that I don’t make it home, I wanted it all to end so I didn’t have to go home on Christmas and explain why I can’t buy a single gift oh and also can’t pay my bills…. I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it again.
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nThat low feeling eventually went away, in fact I’ve thought I’d hit my low doing the exact same thing on new years eve, Easter, birthdays, you name it. Gambling was the only thing I cared about.
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nI continued to constantly lie about my whereabouts, my boyfriends grandmother passed away and I couldn’t answer his phone call or he would hear the machines…. I’m exhausted by the lies , I’m exhausted for working full time for 10 years with absolutely nothing to show for it.
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nFast forward to today, I don’t know why…. I don’t know how….. but I need to get better. I want to feel the same excitement and hope and passion that I have for gambling into something positive that loves me back. I want to have some money saved so I can plan on having a future with my amazing boyfriend.
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nAlmost every passing moment of every day I think about all the money I have lost I often obsess over my calculator and adding it all up, this year alone …. enough for a good down-payment for a house to put it nicely…
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nI am losing my train on thought now… I know I have many things to be thankful for… I know I am lucky enough that I can stop this behavior now while I still have time too before I ruin my future.
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nI am here to ask all and any of you for your help and support today and for many days to come.
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nThank you. -
Hi Taylor09, thank you for sharing your story and congrats on taking the first step of posting to the forum. That in itself is a big accomplishment in overcoming the gambling addiction. I can totally relate about adding up the money lost on a calculator or spreadsheet and feeling like crap about it. And then not being able to pay the debt, having sleepless nights and tons of stress. We all been there. I would suggest you stop thinking about that money because it is gone. Look to the future and for ways to improve your life. You’ll have that debt as a burden to pay back but you cannot think about trying to win that money back. It won’t happen. You just have to work hard and move forward. Best of luck in your journey. We are all rooting for you.
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Hey Taylor,
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nI am new to this page as well and just recently started the process of stopping. I can relate to your story. Instead of being at the casino Im attached to my phone doing any types of online gambling I can get my hand on. I prolly missed so many conversations, was so out of it while being with loved ones and they more than likely had no clue.
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nWe all go through the dark phase of not wanting to be here because we are so shameful of what happened. I have lost tons of money and honestly to this day still owe about 4k that I gave no idea how Im going to pay still.
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nI cant say it gets better because I too am jsut starting, but lets stay in touch and help each other. Lets focus on each day getting one step closer to feeling financially stable and lets focus on our loved ones.
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nIf you ever need someone to talk to, I am here and willing to go thru this together. -
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You are so right we need to appreciate the things we have. It sucks that it took losing all this money and setting myself back to realize I had a problem. But it’s better now than down the road I suppose. I just really need to kick the habit. is there anything that you have done that help you avoid gambling? I want to start running, but I’m not in shape lol. I guess If I focused as much energy in my workout habits that I do gambling I could be looking like a model.
please share any motivators you have that help avoid temptations. I am assuming the first few weeks are the hardest. I will try to go back everyday to make sure we are kicking this!
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honestly, today was the first day I have been gambling free. I think I’ve gambled for maybe the past 10 years daily. I tried to stop last week and ended up gambling again this weekend. But as of today I cut my accounts and shut them off. I don’t live close to a casino so its a start. I’m hoping to pay off a few local people some money I owe over the next month and start over in life. I’m trying to get a part time job to keep me occupied as I feel like most of my gambling happens in the afternoon in to the night. That way I can recover financially as well as stay busy. I have so many plans once I can get some money saved. I can’t wait to just look at my bank account and have a sigh of relief.
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keep it up bud! The first few days are the hardest
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