[Taylor09]

hello everyone,
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nThis is my first journal. I have been on this site “seeking help” for about a couple years, I have read many forums, had moments of enlightenment but never stopped my problem. I have gotten the great advice to share my story, share my journey and experiences as a way to seek recovery. well… here it is….
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nI am 29 years old, I have been a gambling addict since I first stepped into a gaming facility. It all started for me when I was 19, my mom was an occasional bingo player and I have very found memories of us going together and spending hours together playing bingo, winning , losing, laughing. It was our time together away from home. My mother was always able to keep her playing as pure entertainment but for me, when I won the excitement fully consumed me ,an unforgettable feeling as we did not have much money. And when I lost , the regret and shame washed over me and I was determined to win again. Fortunately, there is only so much spending you can do at a bingo hall.
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n3 years ago, is when I discovered slot machines. The lights, sounds, the loud bell when you trigger a bonus. This is where my addiction became a real problem. For the past 3 years, I have spent every single extra dime I have plus some to these machines.
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nThere has been many times where I thought I was at my bottom, where after multiple trips to the bank machine and no big wins I sat in the bathroom of the facility crying, and not wanting to go home to beg for a loan to pay my bills for the month.
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nLuckily, I have a family member who bails me out of these situations. I am blessed with a family who will do anything to help me , to see me happy and to succeed, but I only care about me and feeding my addiction…
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nI thought the final straw might have been Christmas 2019, It was Christmas eve and I had not bought a single present for my family. I was there that evening playing the machines for the 3rd or 4th that week instead. My family was home putting up the Christmas tree and getting ready for the next days party… while I was sitting on my ass and handing my money over to a facility that couldn’t care less about me. That night….. I get back to my car and prayed with all my might that I don’t make it home, I wanted it all to end so I didn’t have to go home on Christmas and explain why I can’t buy a single gift oh and also can’t pay my bills…. I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it again.
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nThat low feeling eventually went away, in fact I’ve thought I’d hit my low doing the exact same thing on new years eve, Easter, birthdays, you name it. Gambling was the only thing I cared about.
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nFast forward to today, I don’t know why…. I don’t know how….. but I need to get better. I want to feel the same excitement and hope and passion that I have for gambling into something positive that loves me back. I want to have some money saved so I can plan on having a future with my amazing boyfriend.
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nAlmost every passing moment of every day I think about all the money I have lost I often obsess over my calculator and adding it all up, this year alone …. enough for a good down-payment for a house to put it nicely…
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nI am losing my train on thought now… I know I have many things to be thankful for… I know I am lucky enough that I can stop this behavior now while I still have time too before I ruin my future.
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nI am here to all all and any of you for your help and support today and for many days to come.
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nThank you.

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