Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Poetry Corner My journey of HOPE – as a fruit machine addict

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    michelle64
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    I really enjoyed playing on my first fruit machine
    My hope was to play again – I felt really keen
    I felt that playing it was so much fun for me
    My hope was to escape life – and to feel problem free
    I loved the buzz that I got from actually playing
    My hope was to win – instead of maybe loosing
    I started to play the machines more and more
    My hope was to have them – in my life for sure
    I felt though that the addiction got a hold quick
    I hoped to control it – and to feel less inner sick
    I started to do devious things in order to gamble
    I hoped my mind would settle – be less of a scramble
    I lied, cheated, manipulated and stole so I could play
    I hoped to be far less devious – I wanted it today
    I tried to give up gambling on my own quite a lot
    I hoped that the addiction within me – I hadn’t got
    I felt the more I tried to give up the more I had to go
    I hoped to leave with money – before I had nothing to show
    I sat there in a cycle of winning, loosing and chasing
    I hoped to realise that an overall loss – I was facing
    I continued to sit there with thoughts of inner despair
    I hoped to get a buzz and a win – whilst sat in the chair
    I sometimes started to press the buttons in a certain way
    I hoped to trick the fruit machine – into giving me a pay
    I would sometimes say ‘I’d give up God’ if I can get a win
    I hoped to use a prayer – which I never usually said within
    I believed the machine had to pay as I’d put so much in
    I hoped that the machine – was going to give me a win
    I often left the arcade after a lost saying ‘I won’t go again’
    I hoped I would have the ability to give up – as it was insane
    I felt no matter how hard I tried to give up gambling alone
    My hope was lost – as I tried to win back what I had blown
    I did the above over and over all the time – for many years
    My hope was lost trying to beat the constant – inner fears
    I felt that my addiction had brought me down from my feet
    I hoped without gambling I could live – but inside I felt beat
    I knew in my mind I really wanted all the machines to vanish now
    My hope for this – was never ever going to happen for me somehow
    I knew instead I needed to give up because it was destroying me
    I hoped to get help – before I went on another gambling spree
    I was advised to go to GA for understanding support and advice
    My hope was with other’s help – I’d be able to live without this vise
    I went to the meetings a few times a week and listened and shared
    My hope was to learn to live without machines – but I was scared
    I realised that this would not happen in my life straight away
    My hope was making sure I tried to deal with it – each day
    I knew the cravings and urges to gamble were driving me insane
    I hoped to find support now – to settle my frustrated brain
    I knew that by connecting with other cg’s at meetings or on the phone
    My hope for dealing with this addiction – made me feel I was not alone
    I realise that with having effective barriers in place within my daily life
    My hope to stay gambling free – can help me cope with a lot of strife
    I know now that I have been told to occupy my time and fill the void
    My hope was trying to find something else to do – that I enjoyed
    I have managed to stay gamble free for a short period of time now
    My hope now is that I could continue to stay gamble free – somehow
    I once saw myself as the cg that could never give up for a day
    My hope is that I now see myself for sure – as a miracle of GA
    I also know that without gambling my life can feel rather strange
    My hope is never to give up on HOPE – without it – I cannot change
    I know within me I do not like the person that I have become
    My hope today is to change me – and no longer feel like scum
     
    I know I have to deal with my addiction each day as I am an addict
    My hope today is to remember – with gambling in my life I’d be licked
    I am grateful that other cg’s have never once given up on me
    My hope today is that I never give up on me – to stay gamble free
     
                                    Michelle (2012)– 15/03/2012 13:11:51: post edited by michelle64.

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