22 June 2023 at 10:43 am #177982thorfinn5Participant
I am new to this forum and forgive me for not properly introducing myself first. I’m writing this now with a sense of worries and in some way, I feel this is an urgent matter that I’m dealing right now and I hope that I can find some ways to make things better. However, I know what I want to say is going to be long as the story has been lingering even before I was born, apparently. But, I will keep it brief in this post so as not to bore anyone.
As the title says, this is about my father. A 73 years old man who recently lost his wife, my mother just 3 months ago.
Gambling has always been his interest even before I was born. Growing up, I’ve been to many casinos with him whether it’s a casino building or inside a cruise ship. Once I saw him blew $5,000 on one game and smiled about it when he lose.
He would bet on anything. But mainly, he loves bacarrat, football (so many leagues and so many cups to bet on), basketball (mainly NBA).
I’ve amwjas despised gambling and although I’d watch football with him as a mean to bond with him, his only concern is always to win some money. The problem is, he always lost.
His gambling problem has resulted his own siblings to short change his fair share of his inheritance because he’d gamble it away.
When my mother was around, at the very least my mother would berate and nag him and his gambling would be less reckless. Unfortunately, my mum is no longer here to stop him from wherever he is doing with money.
He has sold our family villa, he has spent all my mum’s assets, and just now he asked my brother to give him 10,000 dollars and when my brother tried to reason with him, my father got mad and insisted he knew what he was doing as he is the elderly and the elder is always right.
Recently, we’ve sold the last asset of ours. Our familial property. My father is in heavy debt now and watching his behaviours when negotiating with potential buyer and solicitor made me sick to my stomach. He behaved desperately and tried to rush the sale of the property to pay off his debt and to gamble some more.
I am extremely worried that he will sell everything that we own just to pay off his debt. And I don’t know how to reason with him and talk to him.
I’m trying to think of what I can do to make him just stop gambling and use the fund for another viable options of investments and for the continuation for the family.
Going to counsellor won’t work as this country I’m in right now doesn’t have a sophisticated health system let alone a therapy for any addiction. Hell, gambling is illegal here and I’ve seen my father got arrested by cops in front of me over his gambling habit (he got out 4 hours later after bribing the cops).
I really don’t know what to do with him. I have my own dreams that I want to pursue and right now I’m so distracted to hold the front and make sure my father is fine after the passing of my mother.
My father is a kind hearted man. Well, I think “spineless”, “spoiled”, and “harmless” might describe him better. Yet I couldn’t believe it how selfish he is right now squandering family’s assets and putting strain on me and my brother.
Although, I shouldn’t talk bad about my father but it has to be said as how I perceive my experience. I do love my father because he is my father although I often imagined that if we weren’t family, I wouldn’t be his friend. But still, in this life I’m his son and I have a duty to protect him and he just doesn’t understand what he is doing is harming a lot of people.
Anyway, Thanks for reading. I really hope that I can get some inspiration on how to help him. At the very least, I get to say what’s been bothering me.
22 June 2023 at 10:49 am #177995AntonioModerator
Welcome here and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums.
Seeing how our loved ones gamble does hurt and even though we all want to help them you have to realize that you are a victim of this situation too.
Here at Gambling Therapy, we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum, you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum, so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join the online support group for friends and families on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 20:00 (UK).
This is the link for the groups: https://www.gamblingtherapy.org/online-support-groups-for-problem-gamblers-their-friends-and-family/
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
The Gambling Therapy Team
25 July 2023 at 12:01 pm #179919velvetModerator
First of all please accept my apology for taking so long to reply to your post – it deserved greater attention and I am truly sorry. I have had my knee replaced and it has caused me more problems than I anticipated.
I do not hear a man ‘talking bad’ about his father; what I do hear is a man who is desperately trying to hold his life together while his father is pulling it apart – and that is the nature of a gambling addiction.
You write that you and your brother ‘try to reason with him’ but I’m sorry to say there is no reasoning with this addiction.
Maybe when he demands money again, you and our brother could unite and say that you have sought help for yourselves and been informed that money given to a gambling addict only feeds the addiction making it worse – and because you want to support him, in the right way, there will be no more money for him.
Is it possible for you and your brother to unite with your father’s siblings – a united front is harder for an addict to destroy.
I think it is important to know that your father does not want to be addicted to gambling, he neither asked for, nor wanted it but the only person who can stop this destructive addiction, is himself. You, your bother, your mother and your father’s sibling are not to blame for his addiction, however much your father seeks to blame everybody but himself. He will fight hard against taking responsibility for his actions and he will need help to do it.
We do offer support for your father on this site – on our Helpline, the gambler forum ‘my journal’ and a gambler’s group facilitated by Charles who will understand your father more than you or I. This site is anonymous and private.
Is it possible that you and your brother can hide money and possessions without his knowledge, to save yourselves and ultimately your father. It is sad to say that a gambling addict will take those who love them all the way down with them until someone shouts ‘enough’ because the nature of his addiction means he will always lose.
I hope you will write again – I will look for you. I also facilitate groups on Tuesdays and Thursdays 1900 – 2000 hours UK time, if you would like to communicate in real time. They are private and nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
I wish you so much peace of mind Thorfin – I have stood in your shoes and I know how difficult it is – but you can win through for yourself – I know, or I would not be writing to you.
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