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19 October 2014 at 4:58 pm #26915liamh35Participant
Admitting you have a gambling problem is a hard thing to do. I have a gambling problem and at this point in my life am still trying to get to grips with this destructive pass time that ruins almost everything in my/your life. Trying to explain this to other non gamblers or people who are able to gamble normally is almost impossible although i know every compulsive gambler will relate to one another. I have seeked help from a variety of places and tried all different methods to try tackle this life. I have been through Gamblers Anonymous Scotland, Doctors, Councillors and even most recently went into Residential Treatment. I believe most gamblers have a good understanding of this addiction, but due to different factors it’s very hard to organise within a gamblers mind therefore I can lose all logic. This post is mainly a self-help guide for me as it’s a journey i must take to avoid ruining anything more in life, but i can guarantee most gamblers will relate to my life.
My Gambling Life.
I’m a young 25-year-old man who has battled with this addiction since i would say since I was 11 years old, ( that’s how far i can remember back to and remember the gambling personality being present in my life than). I live in Glasgow, Scotland and come from a good background. I have a good loving family and have the comforts of a family home. I have good friends and live in a good area.
As i said my gambling started when i was roughly 11 years old playing fruit machines in bowling alleys with pocket-money that my mum and dad would give me at weekends. At this point in my life, i obviously had no clue i could develop this problem but even at the age of 11, i would lie, steal, beg and borrow just to play those machines. Even at this stage in my life i would gamble my bus fare home and have my parents pick me up. I don’t know what attracted me to machines, whether it be the older boys playing them, the lights or just the fact i wanted to beat the game but all i know now was this was the start of something that has ruined many years of the life’s of my own and others around me. So between the ages of 11 and 17 i would say gambling was not an issue i was aware of, fruit machines seemed just like a thing you did when you went out. Anyway i hit 17 and found of course bookmakers, friends introducing me to gambling, through older brothers and so on. My friends would place football bets and watch results on a saturday, all very normal, however i was never interested or felt i knew enough about football to place a bet but wanted to be included i suppose, so i played betting terminals, and of course straight away i thought these machines were great, winning constantly on them. Hooked from the start and this was the start of a very regretful and horrible life. 8 years of self-destruction. There isn’t much i can say about my gambling, it’s very simple to explain what my gambling is and what i have done. My addiction relates to roulette, an obsession with numbers i see it as. The betting terminals have been quoted as the “crack cocaine” of the gambling world, extremely hard to walk away from and i am almost certain has caused less fortunate people to take their own life. If you know these machines you will know that when you place a bet, a number is generated and it plays a roulette spin video that will fall to the generated number. I have been so lost in these machines that i know every number and spin that i know where the ball will fall before the video is complete. I have sat and fed thousands of pounds into these machines and watched it all disappear in front of my eyes on many occasions, and the feeling never changes. I am like a zombie once i start playing, no feelings at all till the last penny is gone. Then once its gone, reality hits! I can safely say i have come home to my mum more times with news of gambling losses than i have with good news, and the reason is gambling takes your life. Today i am 25 and i am addicted to all forms of gambling but roulette is still the issue. Turning 18 seemed to be a big point where i started digging my own grave. I got access to credit cards and overdrafts – i also got access to casinos. Well you know the story, i lost everything. Everyday has been dominated and dreaming, living in this fantasy world. Having silly numbers which are “MY NUMBERS” off a roulette wheel constantly on your mind, and no matter how many times they come out, they don’t come out enough, they never will. they could come out 99% off the time but it still would not be enough for me. MY gambling has lost me jobs as well, i found that my urges got so bad that my legs would shake, in work it got so bad that i just had to up and leave and head for the nearest place to place a bet. Id avoid eating to gamble, working 12 hour shifts and not eating a single thing, losing lots of weight which i couldn’t afford to lose already being skinny. made me look horrible. SO eventually my gambling came to everyone’s attention, a relief at the time i can honestly say, i was becoming distant with family, lies were catching up on me and i was becoming very depressed with it all. Explaining to my parents and them understanding was amazing. They took it on the chin and of course bailed their son out thinking i was young silly and got caught up in something and the experience had taught me a lesson of some sort, thinking id not go back. And of course i promised i would never be so silly again. Did i go back?
Of course i did. Again the same old patterns started, lies and living 2 lifes. I even stole out my parents bank account. Makes me feel sick to even think about it. My parents work extremely hard to afford a nice house and keep a family and i take their money to feed and give to the bookmakers, How selfish and horrible can a person be? Convinced myself id pay it back, convinced myself id win it back! Il never forget the time i started stealing out my mums account, i was in the casino and the bank called my mum to say she had irregular activity on her account, she knew straight away it was me, and she was calling me and leaving messages trying to find me. I remember at that point i still had a lot of money on me, and instead of walking away i said to myself ” if i don’t win this all back im going to have to kill myself” so instead of walking away and admitting defeat as i was already caught i decided to pretty much play russian roulette with my life. i decided to keep going. Thinking that if i get the money back, all would be forgiven? I lost all my money that night, and walked out the casino a very broken person thinking that this was it. My brother was standing in the lobby looking very worried and upset, he had been out looking for me. put me in the car and took me home. Pretty much saved my life that night with him being there at the right time.
Following months i began attending GA, stayed there gambling free for roughly 4 months, seeing the benefits of a life without gambling. I surprisingly found it enjoyable however i started making excuses and felt i was missing out being with friends and going out because of meetings. And of course the old ‘il be ok now, im not going back gambling!”
I did go back. the same patterns continued for a few years after that. gambling, hitting rock bottom or being caught. saying i’m sorry, going to GA the stopping. a very selfish life. i don’t understand it, all i know is i am a very weak person.
When im gambling i can only describe it as it having a physical hold over me. Like i cant leave the casino without me losing everything or it closing. I can remember gambling in the bookmakers and i really did not want to be there anymore, i felt sick, and i broke down, in the bookmakers. The machine was round the corner and nobody could really see me. But i just kept gambling through the tears. I honestly just kept thinking “hurry up and lose so i can get out of here” what sane person would do that? But it felt like it was the only way i could leave. Another feeling i get is i seem to forget, i could gamble for hours and hours, completely numb throughout it all, not thinking or talking to anyone, but as soon as i walk out the casino, BOOM, what on earth just happened there, what have i done? I really don’t understand why i feel the need to gamble. I’ve lost all the trust in my life. I feel like im going nowhere in life. i feel like a waste of space. its hard to even look my family in the eyes after everything ive put them through. i know this doesn’t sound awful and ive not went into how much damage it really has cause but believe me when i say, it has almost destroyed my family.I mean this is just a brief account of my life and how this addiction has gripped me, but i can imagine if anybody was to read the above they would think i am very mixed up, and i am. It’s the most confusing thing ever however as i have said i believe it can be beaten. I don’t believe that gambling is an “illness” but i do believe that with self-help and writing that confusion can become logical thinking. Stop living the within my own mind and be honest with myself.
All sounds very simple, but i know it’s not going to happen overnight.
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19 October 2014 at 4:59 pm #26916liamh35Participant
Today is the 15th of October 2015 and this is my fresh start. I’m not going to over complicate things at the moment but I am quite simple going to stop gambling. I am admitting defeat to bookmakers and casinos, they win, I lose. My money is gone and I am not getting it back. Money is not everything and in all honesty I have no need for mass amounts of money. I have been through everything with gambling and its led me to places I did not like, it’s changed me and I am breaking up with it. I’m not addicted to losing money, I am not addicted to hurting people, I don’t enjoy gambling and I know I would much prefer to be doing something else with my life and time.
However I do believe I am addicted to being a “zombie” as I described in my gambling before, losing myself in these machines or games. I’m addicted to forgetting my real problems and my urges to run away are overwhelming, just the exact same way maybe people turn to alcohol and drugs, I have turned to gambling. This is an addiction I have to break, it’s that simple. I need new habits and need to break the cycle of destruction. As I said I don’t feel there is need to complicate this right now as I know with over thinking about MY life, it makes me want to run and forget, something that is obviously a massive trigger in my life to disappear within a bookmakers or casino. I accept that this is not a solution or an option for me any longer and if i took anything from my time at Gamblers Anonymous it would be the serenity prayer.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
Courage to accept the things i can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Learning to accept that i cant change what i have done, i cant go back, but i can learn from this. I can never change gambling, but i can change my life and can change and make amends for my actions to others.
So today i don’t feel like being a “zombie”
x
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19 October 2014 at 4:59 pm #26917liamh35Participant
Creating My Rock Bottom is something I feel I have to do. One of my biggest dangers to my life is forgetting where this has taken me in my life and how I’ve managed to be pushed to carry out actions similar to many behind bars, on the streets or even dead.
Ok ok so what has a life of gambling done to have me at my rock bottom? Let’s start with finances. Right now today I have debts that at the moment are unmanageable and not being addressed as I don’t know how to manage myself never mind organise money. I got these debts through reaching desperation from losing all my money, taking money from credit cards, overdrafts, and even gambling on mobile phones. Trying to remember that feeling of being in a hole just having lost everything I had begging and hoping I’d have another avenue to cash and continue my gambling. A real feeling of clutching at straws hoping there’s a way, even convincing myself there is a way to get more! Endless hours of no sleep searching for something anything! Not the best feeling in the world I must say!
i think this probably leads on to the lies. Having lost all my money, the cover up starts! Where has the money gone. “I wasn’t paid”, “I lost it” , “I let a friend borrow it” anything and everything is a possibility. Then the lies I tell when borrowing from people, telling them they will get it back as soon as possible! Even gets to the stage where lies become second nature. I even found telling lies when I had done nothing wrong cause even though I may not have gambled I’m always trying to seem ok and normal. Telling lies is not something I want to or like to do so my life becomes very lonely, hiding away in a room, not wanting to face people because if I don’t see them I dont have to lie. I don’t have to put on the performance! It’s a very sickening experience. And majority of time everyone knows around me what’s going on as they know me well so everyone is suffering!
I think 90% of my rock bottom however is created from the things I’ve done to feed this habit. Spending family money, stealing money. Selling jewellery, phones or anything of value. I’ve been pushed to steal from bank accounts, This is where this gambling has taken me. I’m a thief. I’ve stolen from the people I love. The people who look after me! I done that! Nobody else! I done it! And I can never ever go back! I’m lucky to have a home! I’m lucky to have people who understand and there’s no way to make this sound normal or make anyone understand. I STOLE FROM MY OWN FAMILY!
Then there’s the affect its had on me. Health wise, not eating and not sleeping. Endless nights of thoughts of gambling or thoughts of worry as id just gambled everything. Becoming increasingly distant from everyone. I believe given has given me anxiety problems as all I do is think about the worst, always waiting for the next downfall in my life, next time I have to disappoint everyone. I’ve become a very jumpy person, sort of person you would say is scared of his own shadow. And even realised recently how quiet I’ve become around family cause I don’t feel like I have anything worth saying or anything anybody would want to listen to. I don’t feel good enough for anyone and don’t feel like I’m any good.
This is where gambling has taken me! I have no confidence or self-worth and mmy past actions are unforgivable! Why would I want to go back to that? I don’t!
And I’m not going back!
X
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19 October 2014 at 5:01 pm #26918liamh35Participant
I’ve had an extreme amount of guilt to deal with and recently its really been hard to forget everything while trying to continue normally. I feel guilty for everything, just day today things like gong out with friends. I feel like im running away from my problems again. Drinking over the weekend not helping as it makes me anxious, hate being around family as i feel ive done something wrong, even though im doing what every other young guy does at weekends. Even at that i cant run completely away, going out with friends and drinking knowing i owe them money, showing no sign of paying them back, i don’t know how they even let me go out with them. It’s so selfish. i need to get this sorted. I think paying back money i owe would help everything. I don’t know if gambling comes in to my life as i think it’s a route out of my problems, but not stopping to think of the consequences to gambling, digging a deeper hole for me to try get out of. If i could just train myself to stop and think before making compulsive decisions. I need to learn to be patient and need to learn that i have a problem and its going to take time before things get better. Financially and in life. I need problems to be addressed but i know at this time i cant have access to money as there is more to this i don’t understand yet. I have great intentions every month of sorting my life out and dealing with everything but i seem to ruin everything with one day of madness, normally payday. Payday seems to be the worst, after im passed that,everything is usually under control and nothing is an issue. I have no issue with having 100-200 pound in my pocket.Things cross my mind but i seem to be able to at that point say no it’s not worth it, i want to spend that money on me or i want to go out, it’s just large sums of money and control. I want control so much, ive begged for it and manipulated convincing myself that i can be grown up and mature enough to say gambling will not be part of my life and i will prove everyone wrong, yet its a mystery to why i lose control straight away. I see control as a problem in my life because i have none, a problem for me because it really makes me feel worthless. Gambling causes all my life problems. Why cant i see that and think logically for a minute and say, been there and if i win, its only gonna be hours or days before i lose what i won and then lose everything else creating a mass of more problems. Winning actually seems to cause more problems than winning. I hate gambling, it’s not fun. Recently when im thinking about gambling i try to say to myself, “no you hate gambling”. I don’t know if this is where the obsession lies either, cause of what its done to me and what ive managed to destroy with it that its really an obsession i cant let go of, wanting to beat it, get what its took from me. I need to learn that its won and hopefully then everything including my guilt and hating myself will stop. actually feel worth something that i can achieve goals without gambling and move on from what i hate. I’ve created this problem in my head, that’s all it is. Yes its addictive but it’s just the way ive programmed my life that there’s easy ways out, i just have to do this the hard way, it’s not even a hard way it’s just a different way from what im used to. Hopefully i can get counselling, as i need to be as positive as possible to achieve and have a bit of drive behind beating this.
x
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19 October 2014 at 5:47 pm #26919veraParticipant
When a CG admits he/she is powerless over gambling , this is the First Step to Recovery.
You have summed it up well in two great posts, Liam! Powerlessness and lack of control go hand in hand. A few things struck me when I read your posts.
You admit you are out of control. Would you consider asking a family member/friend to take control of your funds especially on pay day which seems to be your greatest stumbling block?
Owing money is also causing you a lot of stress. Is there any way you can get financial assistance to help you pay back your friends so that you won’t lose face ever time you see them ? ( All my debts are owed to Banks etc so it’s less personal / embarrassing than owing friends)
Compulsive gamblers don’t think/act logically when it comes to gambling, Liam. Hence the repeated actions and mistakes and the ongoing “rock bottoms”!
We have all been there so many times and we know the outcome so what we must ask ourselves over and over is “What will I do differently next time?”
As a CG, I have come to the conclusion that I need to make gambling impossible. That means carrying no money, having no access to casinos (my poison) and having no spare time that I don’t have to account for.
Concentrate on how NOT to gamble, rather than dwelling on HOW to get funds for the next bet! -
19 October 2014 at 11:26 pm #26920liamh35Participant
Yes family have control again. And I battle with my demons of thinking I deserve control and trust, but I reality that’s just me convincing myself I have self control when I don’t.
I agree, changing everything is something I must do, envioronment, routines and how I spend spare time is a big deal when it comes to my life. I have no hobbys or anything of interest that keeps me stable. Sleeping long hours and achieving nothing allows my brain to fester a feeling of low self esteem and in turn I look to gambling to possibly find a feeling I’ve felt before after a big win. A big win just gives me the feeling like I can do something! I need to find that within myself and use it to my advantage. Win with life and not by gambling.
X -
20 October 2014 at 12:16 am #26921AnonymousGuest
Hi Liamh. Your posts make so much sense. You capture the desperation and total destruction that compulsive gambling brings. You also acknowledge that you know you can stop. You have stopped for long enough before to realise how quickly life improves when you stop. There are people on here who have done all you have done and worse, and they have managed to turn their lives around and regain the trust of their families and friends. You will do this too liamh . You know what to do. Self ban from every casino you can possibly visit, get a gambling block on your phone and laptop, and cut off your access to money. It will be difficult but you will do it liamh! The lesson you have learned from last time you stopped is that you can never gamble again.. Not even once! You will do it this time liamh and life will get better and better!!
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20 October 2014 at 9:20 am #26922DuncKeymaster
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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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20 October 2014 at 8:20 pm #26923charlesModerator
Hi Liam and welcome,
You want control? Maybe look at it this way then. Having your family look after your money for you will in fact give you more control over your money, not less. After all how much control over our money do we have when we are gambling?
Why not try GA again? Reading what you have written it seems it helped you stop gambling for a period? Then you stop going and things get out of control again… … How about going to meetings and not stopping? using this forum as well you can be stronger still. keep posting and let us know the positive steps you are taking.
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21 October 2014 at 2:38 am #26924liamh35Participant
I understand what you are saying. Yes ga did work for me. And I did stay bet free, but I’ve lived with his problem for many years now and self analysed myself over and over again asking myself why? Before I would sit and punish myself telling myself I’m an addict, and I will be for the rest of my life and I must stay in ga for the rest of my life now. To some extent this I feel is true but I believe gambling is a symptom of something else a lot deeper and it relates to my lifestyle, emotions, relationships etc. I think it’s important that I look at this now, I’ve always knew this deep down and never done anything about it. I actully believe I used ga as a way of proving myself to others and not myself, and again yes it worked but it may be just a short time answer. I sometimes think we need to take the spotlight off gambling in some cases. Yes the gambling feels like a big thing right now because we are dominated by it but it’s the same alchohol is to an alcoholic. Suppose it’s all good saying this but I guess only I can change this. When I say I want control, it’s not about money as such it’s more about having control of myself. Right now I cant, I’ve proved that to myself. My family have control at this point, I’ve handed everything over but I have a goal that I can regain control of myself emotionally and mentally to be able to have this handed back to me..but that’s in the future. I just want to take a logical approach to this. Yes I’m a gambler, but I refuse to sit like I have done for the last 8 years saying “poor me I’m a compulsive gambler and I can’t help it” it’s not an excuse, I’m
Not sick. I just believe I need to develope and mature, while looking at other aspects of life. And this is all personal feelings and I do not think every problem gambler is the same. X -
1 November 2014 at 6:22 pm #26925liamh35Participant
how do people cope with feeling low? I feel like the whole world is against me and im on my own, nobody understand me or treats me with respect. I feel like im looked down on by everyone and I cant manage to get myself out this way of thinking. I just feel like im fighting a losing battle with everyone at the moment even myself. I don’t know how much has changed over the past month or two apart from im more aware of myself and the feelings im having. Im angry, really angry all the time, just fed up with people making me feel worthless and like im not a human being. I know because im in a hole that gambling that everything probably feels magnified 100 times. I just feel like its getting all too much for me, im trying to please everyone around me and its just not possible. Im trying to have a life but its not working because of all this history with money and gambling. I don’t know how to deal with all this. I was due to see a psychologist and got an appointment that I over a month for to turn up and be told they couldn’t see me, I just feel like im taking steps back all the time. I only work part time and I have far too much spare time, which everyone thinks its my choice and that I don’t want to work full time. ive been looking for jobs constantly and college courses just to try get a change in my life. I also try work with my brothers business which my family feel I should do at every opportunity but I don’t speak to him, I sit in silence scared to say 1 word because he just shouts or makes you feel stupid. Im really trying to remove myself from everything I done in my life when gambling because I feel this is all part of the problem. Just big bullies who think there always right and want to feel bigger and better than you bringing you down. Yet to please everyone in my family they feel like this is all ive got so should just take it and deal with it. I don’t think its fair. I want to do something with my life. My dad speaks to me like crap, like im 12 years old. I hardly speak to him aswell cause I know all ill get is a reaction and a fight and all im trying to do is talk, something he doesn’t do with any of my brothers and sisters because he respects them. I just feel rubbish. I snapped today and had a huge fight with my dad cause I couldn’t take no more. He stormed out cause he couldn’t talk to me as usual. it was over money and it made me feel like I just couldn’t do anything and I went gambling for a bit, losing of course it made me feel 10 times worst. I just don’t know what im doing anymore, nothing makes sense to me and im losing the will to live with it all. x
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3 November 2014 at 12:48 am #26926kpatParticipant
Trust is hard to gain back. When we have hurt those we love with our gambling, it makes them so distrustful of us. Your journal reminds me of a friendnof mine who had an affair. Her and her husband separated, they went to counseling. She was faithful again and things were going better. They reconciled and some years went by. She complained that her husband still would ask her probing questions, look through her phone and so on. I felt for her. She was faithful, but she had really hurt him. Try to be patient with your family. They need time to see the changes you are making.
I think Gambling for us is an escape. It certainly doesn’t help our situations. You have lots of tools from your treatment. Go back and start again! You are worth it and your family will come around when they see the tools put to action.
One day, one hour if need be, at a time.
Don’t give up. -
3 November 2014 at 6:47 pm #26927charlesModerator
Hi Liam,
Kpat is right, trust and respect does take a while to rebuild. So of course does self respect.Do you still have your GA literature? One of the things that helped me was to do some small achievable positive things. Pick one or two of the “just for today” list and do them. Stopping gambling is great, working recovery is better.
Keep posting and let us know the positive steps you are taking.
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5 November 2014 at 5:47 pm #26928liamh35Participant
I’m really struggling to cope. ive been gambling all day and got myself in a hole financially. Ive lied
To my parents again n said I went out for lunch with a girlfriend and now I’m going
To go a whole day without eating because they will be suspicious if I start eating after being out all day. I’m a terrible person. I don’t know why I do it! What attracts me to it. I know it destroys me. 100 miles an hour I went today. Just didn’t stop. I don’t know what to do anymore. I seriously am powerless to gambling. I need some other purpose or meaning in my life. I’m going to end up killing myself because that’s the way I feel. I can’t go on feeling this way all the time. I Just don’t feel like anything good happens for me. X -
5 November 2014 at 5:56 pm #26929veraParticipant
Liam, where did you get the money to gamble?
My bet is , your family will know already that there is something wrong! Why not say you had a bad day and need to have a chat with whichever family member you can relate to best. Either that, or phone the Samaritans. Staying silent doesn’t help.
Say you feel hungry again and EAT! I have 2 sons who eat 24/7 so no need to pretend not to be hungry!
Dont punish yourself! -
5 November 2014 at 6:24 pm #26930liamh35Participant
I was given money to go shopping with to by myself something warm to wear. And then i went into bank and lifted money using my driving liscense as my mum had my card. I just feel really low. I can’t keep going this way. I’ll be dead before I’m
30 if I carry on this way. It’s carnage. I Owe so much money, I work part time. N feel like I’m in a horrible cycle. I mean how hard is it? Don’t go near a bookmakers, that’s it!! Simple!!! Don’t gamble! I don’t win! X -
5 November 2014 at 10:14 pm #26931veraParticipant
I know you feel dreadful Liam but gambling as you said makes us feel a hundred times worse. Believe me I’ve been there too often!
Can you think of even one thing you can do to make yourself feel better?
Maybe go to a GA meeting? Meet a friend for a chat? Go to your GP and tell him/her how you are feeling?
There is free counselling available for CGs. Would you be interested in looking into that.? Talking face to face can be very helpful. Don’t give up ! Just STOP gambling for one day and see if it makes you feel even a tiny bit better about yourself.
If I can stop for a day, anybody can!
Lots of help available, Liam! -
5 November 2014 at 10:43 pm #26932liamh35Participant
I can stop for days and weeks. I’ve done that plenty of times. But right now my mood is so low I can’t stop thinking about it, I must think in my teisted n warped mind that this is the answer to feel better. I Need something, anything in my life to make my life better. I’ve dealt with this for many years and as I’ve said I think I have a good understanding of this addiction but can’t grasp my own lifestyle. The actual only time I feel positive and better is after losing all my money and realise that there’s nothing left. But when I still think there’s a way back that’s when the madness continues! Hate those machines. They should be banned from bookmakers and should have limits and monitored far better. It’s like giving unlimited Herron to a drug addict! Thise machines have no doubt accounted for lots of suicide in the uk! X
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5 November 2014 at 10:59 pm #26933veraParticipant
I agree Liam!
The slot machines give relief but eventually they will ruin a CG. Its the weakness in us that makes us stay until we have lost our last cent. I often “fell” out of casinos feeling like a drunk after spending ten-twenty hours there in a trot. I would be literally in a state of collapse Could hardly find my way home with a cup of petrol in the car , freewheeling to spare it! Is that the kind of life you want! I don’t! Not any more! I have self destructed for too long Time to WAKE UP!
Take a fool’s advice and get help from your GP. Maybe you are clinically depressed?
Try to look at the positive side of things . Its easy to stop gambling when we DON’T feel the urge. The real test comes when we do! We have to train our minds/wills to say NO NO NO!
Then you will feel better about yourself.
The pain you feel now can lead to growth. Dont waste it! -
9 November 2014 at 4:01 pm #26934liamh35Participant
ive had a tough couple of days and lots of time alone to think about my actions and what this addiction is doing to me. i struggling to come to terms with this addiction now than ever. I think its time i start being honest to myself about this obsession. Do i love to gamble? No i dont, i can honestly say i hate it and the obsession of numbers that come along with it. Ive tried many different ways to get gambling out my life from GA to counselling and even been in the Gordon Moody House. All these attempts have made an impact in different ways and have confused the hell out of me that i cant think logically. I think i know now after gambling and having time to think that its time to get back to basics and try clear my mind of my failings and get back to what i believe has worked in the past. GA it worked for me. I cant doubt that, it really made me stay off a bet and i was positive and proud to say “no im not gambling today because im a cumpulsive gambler” and i could say that to almost anyone. Id leave meetings full of energy and positive thoughts, and would struggle to sleep at night with thinking about what had been said in meetings. I need that back because im fighting a losing battle, im out of control. Time will heal this and hopefully ill mature and lose this from my life with the help of other gamblers, people who understand me. Ive sat for two nights looking at these daft machines in bookmakers thinking about how daft i am and how much they want people like me playing them. The industry has no care and would take your last penny. Its why self exclusion is worthless because its all an image they are creating to pretend they care. I hate them. I know there not going to go anywhere but so i need to try turn this round my way and not give them another penny. im destroying my life, im 25 and been here s many times that im numb with it all which i think makes it worst cause its like i dont care, no energy to deal with it, completely deflated. Today needs to be the first day of the rest of my life. Today is day 1, and i know ill manage it no problem with no money, it when it comes to payday, days leading up to this i have to defend myself with everything i can to stay positive and strong to move on and remove gambling from my life.
9 November 2014 is the day it Stops.
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10 November 2014 at 3:49 am #26935veraParticipant
Well done on getting all that posted Liam!
Good to meet you in the Chat last night.
I had no internet connection all day until now! Almost 4am , so couldn’t look up your post as I told you I would. Way past my bedtime now!
Stay strong! -
10 November 2014 at 9:31 pm #26936charlesModerator
Hi Liam. It’s good to hear your thoughts and that you are going to get back to something you know has worked for you in the past. Back to basics is important. In fact recovery doesn’t have to be complicated – the basics still work regardless of how long anyone has been in recovery.
In an earlier post you said you had other things to address and work on, you can still do that. In fact getting back to basics will let you do that as we are unlikely to be able to address much of anything until we find a way to stop gambling. keep posting.
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1 December 2014 at 12:04 am #26937kpatParticipant
Hi Liam
Hoping you are taking care. Come back and post when you can.
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