Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
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  • #3643
    Thawley54
    Participant

    When I look back at my son growing up, I should have seen that he had a problem. I remember he was going to a different college to have some tests on dyslexia, I gave him £15 to get some lunch and to catch the bus home. He phoned me in the afternoon to ask me to collect him, I said no its peak time traffic , jump on a bus. He said I haven’t any money, I said why ? He said I had a bet, I said well if you would rather have a bet than get home on the bus, you better start walking!!!!!! It took him 3 hours to walk home and a few days later he showed me the blisters he had from walking that far in his shoes!!!!!
    God I wish I had carried on being that hard……he may not have turned into the lying, deceitful, lonely, gambling thief that he has turned into 8 years on from then……….

    #3644
    monique
    Participant

    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    #3645
    monique
    Participant

    I have sent you the ‘official’ welcome; now a more individual word or two.
    You sound really exhausted and frustrated by what has happened in your son’s life. But, you have reached out and started to share what it’s like for you. I hope you will gradually find your way around this site and get a lot from it. I’m sure you would find it useful to use the groups, particularly the ones dedicated to family members and friends of cgs (compulsive gamblers). (Click on Support Groups at the top of the page to find when they are on.) Also, start reading the stories on the Forum and write more about your experiences and feelings – people will respond with their thoughts and ideas and, most of all, offer you support.
    I note that you think that if you had remained ‘hard’ towards your son, he might have been different. In that there might be a sense of you feeling you did something wrong that caused the addiction. But all sorts of people from all sorts of families can become addicted – no one knows which person will find themselves overwhelmed and giving in to the urges that lead them to do things which threaten their chances of a good life and cause such grief to all around them. Your son may not show his feelings, but it is very likely that he, too, hates what he’s done. But only he can resolve to turn around and start his own tough journey to recovery. You cannot do it for him, but you can begin to look after yourself and make a better life for you, even in the here and now, with no sign of progress in your son’s life. This site is here to help you in your own life. I’m sure you will soon hear from other good people here, too.

    Very best wishes,

    Monique

    #3646
    Thawley54
    Participant

    I have read so many comments on ” I want to stop being an enabler ”
    It helps so much to read about other mothers who have sons that have a gambling addictions. It seems that us mothers all feel the same and seem to do the same, I’m just extremely worried now, as I have read things that I haven’t got to yet, but can see them coming!!!!!!
    I thought when he wanted to go to GMA this would be his turning point,before he came to loosing hs job, home and family, but sadly I do not think this is the case !!!!!
    I hope I’m wrong, but you know how us mothers have gut feelings about our sons !!!!!!!

    #3647
    Thawley54
    Participant

    I have read so many comments on ” I want to stop being an enabler ”
    It helps so much to read about other mothers who have sons that have a gambling addictions. It seems that us mothers all feel the same and seem to do the same, I’m just extremely worried now, as I have read things that I haven’t got to yet, but can see them coming!!!!!!
    I thought when he wanted to go to GMA this would be his turning point,before he came to loosing hs job, home and family, but sadly I do not think this is the case !!!!!
    I hope I’m wrong, but you know how us mothers have gut feelings about our sons !!!!!!!

    #3648
    monique
    Participant

    Just another brief comment – try to think of YOU as the priority just now. I, too, am the mother of a young man with this gambling addiction, as well as being a volunteer member of the GT team. And, yes, we mothers have those gut feelings about our children (whatever age they have reached) and desperately want them to be ok. But it is vital that we look after ourselves, make our own journey of recovery – ultimately this will be the best thing for everyone. Think of one thing (at least) that you can enjoy today, just for you.
    Wishing you well.

    Monique

    #3649
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Thawley
    Welcome from me to Gambling Therapy.
    When I read that you said that you son ‘had better start walking’, I thought wow that is a strong mum who handled a situation in a way that many of us think ‘if only’ we had done the same. Then I read on and your regret jumped out at me because you think that if you had carried on in the same vein it would have been different. Well Thawley from all I understand and from the mouth of CG living, now, in control of his addiction – you never stood a chance either way, so don’t do ‘what’ ifs’ or ‘if onlys’, they don’t help and they don’t change a thing
    It is so difficult to realise how impotent we are in the face of the addiction to gamble – it is foreign to us; it is something that we neither asked for nor wanted and over which we have no control or understanding – but that is also the lot of the CG, until he seeks change.
    Don’t fear ‘what is coming’, rather learn and be prepared as you have not been before. Knowledge of your son’s addiction will give you control over it, he now has someone who has knowledge of what is hurting you both, rather than taking everything personally, it makes a difference. Your son will never have deliberately sought to hurt you although his actions have shown everything to the contrary.
    I am not sure whether your son is in GMA yet or waiting to go in, so I cannot comment on your words ‘when he wanted to go to GMA’. Please don’t give any information that could identify him on this forum. I would love to speak to you in the F&F group, (Tuesday 20.00-21.00 hours UK time) where we can discuss freely all your worries without anything appearing on the forum. I hope it helps you to know that I had no hope, whatsoever, of any change for my CG, who did lose his home, his job, his family and who had no self-respect or self-esteem until he went through the GMA programme and now lives happily in control of his addiction.
    I will leave this first post there apart from one observation. Many, many CGs steal, they do things that defy logic, reason and morality but if there was no hope of them changing – I would not be writing you now.
    Well done starting your thread
    Velvet

    #3650
    worriedmama
    Participant

    I too have an addicted son and like Velvet and Monique have some idea of the frustration and heartbreak you feel.
    It is so far in my life the hardest thing I have had to deal with. You have made things hugely better for yourself by connecting with others on this site. To know you are not alone and to see others who have survived and thrived whether or not their CG ever enters recovery gave me so much strength.
    As the ladies mentioned please take care of yourself. There is absolutely no point or good done by you going down with the ship! You are of no value to your son if you are not in a good place. They have a way of making us feel that this problem of their own making is our problem to help fix. I can honestly say I have had times where I truly thought I was losing my mind and I didn’t know up from down. Though I resented hearing it the only person you can help is yourself… your CG will only change his life when he is ready.
    As Velvet mentioned arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can and don’t do this alone… we all need support!
    Take Care

    #3651
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Cathy
    It is good to see you post again. Please update on your own situation, is he still going to GA, how are you?
    V

    #3652
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Thawley
    I am concerned that I have put you off writing in the forum. It is only information that identifies your CG that it is inadvisable to put on the forum as we do offer anonymity to members in GH and on the site.
    However this forum is for your support and I hope that all is well with you. Please post, as you can see you are far from alone and judgement free understanding is here for you.
    Hope to hear from you and hopefully ‘meet’ you tomorrow evening in the group.
    Velvet

    #3653
    Thawley54
    Participant

    Not at all, I had a “me “weekend like everyone was telling me to do, well as much as I could, as I care for my father and my mother in law has dementia and lives in a residential home and I have her up every Sunday for the day, but Friday night and Saturday I had some quality me time, massage, lunch with friends ect. Which did me the world of good as I was very tearful last week.

    #3654
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Thawley
    This is a positive and upbeat post that was great to read.
    I saw your other post in the F&F topic forum. Unfortunately this section of our forum did not travel well when we moved our site recently, its contents disappeared into cyber space and I haven’t got it up and running again, yet. Your post there has left me wondering if there is a reason why you are worrying about something that possibly hasn’t happened yet – or has it? Some CGs who go through the programme do have ups and downs in early recovery but because they have the tools they are better placed to deal with their addiction, many of them however never gamble again. I am sorry you didn’t make the group this evening as we had someone in who has dealt with this very concern.
    Keep posting and looking after yourself
    Velvet

    #3655
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Hi Thawley. I hope that you don’t mind me posting on your thread. I am a CG who has been through the GMA project. I also read your post in the topic forum and although I’d love to be able to put your mind at ease, I’m afraid I probably wont do that.

    I left GMA in sept 2010 and I have returned to gambling several times. I havn’t gambled for quite a while now, and don’t expect to. I know that both GM projects have outreach workers that will help with ex-residents that are experiencing difficulties.

    I don’t gamble now and I don’t want to. If I hadn’t of attended the GMA I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t be in this position. GMA isn’t a miracle cure, and although some people leave and never gamble again, there are others like myself who sadly go back to old ways. However what I learned at GMA will stay with me forever and if it wasn’t for what I learned there I’m sure I would still be the deceitful thieving jailbird I once was.

    I understand only too well how this addiction wrecks families and can’t reiterate too much what the other F+F members have said to you. Your son will have to make his own choices, you can’t make them for him. Please look after yourself first and foremost.

    Whether your son is still gambling or not, please believe that addicts whether CGs or other sorts of addicts can and do turn their lives around and learn to live without the addiction. I dont believe any sort of addict can ever be completely re-covered however I think that F+F of an addict can recover from the misery that their loved ones’ addiction brings.

    Geordie.

    #3656
    Thawley54
    Participant

    Yes it has happened and is still happening!!!!!!!! Whilst he is in Rehab…….I have so many mixed emotions….. Disappointment, anger, frustration, sad, tearful ect the worst thing is not knowing what to do about it, my husband just says let him get on with it he will be found out eventually !!!!!!!!!

    #3657
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Thawley
    I am so sorry, I am still unclear. Do you know he is gambling ‘in’ rehab or has he gone through the project and is still gambling?
    If it was me and I ‘knew’ he was gambling in rehab, I would inform the support workers because it not only disrupts him but it disrupts others too. It would be naïve, I think, to suggest that occasionally a CG will gamble, if he can, even while on the project because of the very nature of the addiction. However I believe it is in the interests of all, including and primarily your son, to inform those who are supporting him. If they don’t know they can’t help.
    I think this makes sense of what you were asking on the F&F Topic forum. If you believe he is gambling on the project then I would suggest it doesn’t help to worry about the reaction of the support workers, they are trained and experienced and very aware of the capabilities of your son’s addiction.
    Your husband is right, in a way, he will be found out eventually but if you have knowledge then the sooner the better, in my opinion, for his sake. I hope to ‘meet’ you in the group on Tuesday; it would be great to communicate in real time.
    I really do know how this must be tearing you apart but I urge you to remember how you felt last weekend and how it helped. I also lost sleep from looking in the bank accounts and it did me no good whatsoever, we are not born detectives and when this snooping side of us comes out, it tends to play havoc with our minds – never forget how important you are.
    I hope this helps
    Velvet

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