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  • #4564
    Ann1978
    Participant

    Don’t really know where to start with this, would like a persons /people point of view on my life. Basically been with my partner for 6 and a half years now and he is a compulsive Gambler that’s for sure. It started off about ten pound a week if that, now he spends the majority of his wages on gambling. He also mivers me for money until I have zero balance, I am in rent arrears all bills are overdue and scrimp on food. I’m constantly fed up and can’t think of anything else but to leave him. Thing is we are on a joint contract lease private rent and won’t leave. I have built up this home myself and all my friends family are around me, opinions please. Xxx

    #4565
    Dunc
    Keymaster

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    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum (I moved it from overcoming problems to allow you to receive the support you need). This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #4566
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Ann
    You have started well and your post in understood in this forum
    You say you have friends and family near to you, are they aware of your situation and if so they are supporting you because it is incredibly lonely coping with this addiction on your own.
    At no time Ann will it be suggested that you leave or that you stay with your partner. On this forum you will be given information on your partner’s addiction and suggestions of how to cope – when you have collected all the information, you will be in a better position to decide what ‘you’ want to do.
    Your partner has a destructive addiction Ann – it is divisive and secretive and depends on enablement to grow. Enablement is the act of feeding the addiction which can come in many forms such as clearing gambling debts, covering inappropriate behaviour to friends and family, giving cash, allowing an addiction that you do not own to take control of ‘your’ life.
    You sound weary and I hope that by sharing here you will gain strength and understanding so that you will be less confused. Are you able to open an account of which your partner has no knowledge, a place for you to put monies safely, somewhere he cannot access? Unfortunately his addiction will take you all the way down with it if you allow it but you can refuse it power over you and financial protection for you is important.
    Being constantly fed up is awful – please take some time every day that is just for you, time to catch up with friends, re-awaken interests in old hobbies and interests, anything but thinking about gambling and what your partner is doing. It is a sad truth that when a CG (compulsive gambler) is active they do not consider those around them who love them, it is a selfish addiction, so try not to waste your time, your life worrying about something that you cannot control – the only person you can control is you.
    If your partner does accept his addiction and wants to change then there is a lot of support for him. He can live gamble-free but he has to want to do it and you constantly being fed up will not make that happen so look after yourself because ‘you’ matter.
    I will leave it there for now Ann and post this so that you know you are being heard. I have a Friends and Family Group on Tuesday 20.00-21.00 hours UK time where we can communicate in real time, you will be very welcome but please keep posting on this forum in the meantime where everything you say is understood. Perhaps you could tell us what you did just for yourself on a particular day that helped you to feel better.
    Your partner owns the addiction Ann but you do not and because you have rationality and logic you are stronger than his addiction.
    Well done writing your first post, the first one is the hardest.
    Velvet

    #4567
    Ann1978
    Participant

    Thankyou for the reply it means so much to me.
    My family aren’t aware no but I think they have an inclint maybe. His Mum is as she gives him money to fund his habit, always has done since he was 16!
    Personally I don’t think he will change. He has admitted he has a problem but won’t get any help from anywhere for it.
    I am drained.
    I’d just like to know, if I ever did want to split, what do I do about the housing situation? As I couldn’t possibly live in the same house as him with his moods wings. ?

    #4568
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Ann
    I am sorry to say you have given the most difficult reason for your partner to stop gambling and that is an enabling family member who is doing everything wrong for all the right reasons. As long as his mother is baling him out the longer she will keep him locked into a cycle of addiction – she is making it very difficult for him to change his life.
    I’m afraid I am not in a position to reply to your housing situation which is beyond the remit of this site. I suggest you contact CAB or a solicitor if you decide to follow the path of separation.
    When you talk to people in authority about your concerns, please don’t feel ashamed – your partner is the victim of his addiction, he did not choose to own something so terrible. I think there is a tendency to believe that when this happens to ‘you’ that you are alone and that others will not understand but the CAB and solicitors are aware of this addiction and I believe you will find the support you need.
    If you decide to stay Ann there will be tremendous support for you here but likewise there will be no judgement if you decide to leave. If you were in a private group with me, I would ask you if you love your partner but it is probably not something you would want to write on a public forum – maybe it is worth thinking about however.
    Your partner can change, he can live an honest gamble-free life if he chooses to but if you feel there is no hope of a future then I understand. I would ask that whatever you decide to do that you give him directions towards help such as this site, counsellors and GA, all who are willing to support him,
    Please speak again soon – such decisions are tough whichever way you go but whatever you do I wish you well.
    Velvet

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