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    • #1730
      Clarity
      Keymaster

      My husband and I have been married for almost five years, together for six. We have two children from my previous marriage. When I first met him he was the perfect man for me. Honestly I had never been treated better. He was awesome with the kids, loved them. When we married I was set to build this awesome life and family.
      Over two years ago he never came home when he said he would. He said he was going to help a buddy move something and stayed out drinking until 2 in the morning. Never called me even though i called him. I honestly thought something had happened to him, because it was not in his nature to go somewhere and not let me know if there was a change of plans. That was the start of this downward spiral.
      His attitude change slowly but surely after that. It seemed like his goal was to make me seem like the problem and him the innocent person in all of this. In his words…I was the psycho b@#$% that he married. By last August our relationship had detiorated to the point that I couldn’t take it anymore. Money was disappearing, alot of money. Divorce had been threatened and talked about by both sides many times. I had no respect for him and I honestly thought he hated me.
      September I finally confronted him, demanded the truth, he promised me that night he would talk to me and tell me everything. This wasn’t the first I had asked for him to just be honest but this was the first time he tried. He told me that night that he used to have a gambling problem, and about a year and a half ago his old bookie caught up with him and told him he still owed him money $8500. So he had been secretly paying that back all this time. That is what he told me. Swore up and down that it was all behind him.
      I chose to believe him because I wanted to. But the lies continued and I finally told him one more lie and I let his family know. I couldn’t deal with it myself anymore. Of course there was one more lie and I told his sisters. If I thought my life was miserable before I had no idea. He really did hate me at that point, called me names, blamed all of this on me. I was ready to file for divorce had my attorney, separated our finances but I still loved him. I asked for him to go to counselling with me, one last try. We did, but I was the one that eventually backed out.
      By this time it was November, and I felt I had my extended family at ease with our relationship, my husband seemed totally committed to me and our family. He wanted to be a good man and do what it took to right what he finally had admitted he wronged. But by now, I was angry and I mean angry. I felt horrible about myself, couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong, I wanted to die.
      After Thanksgiving I started to see a counselor and was getting myself right. I had thought my husband was on the straight and narrow and we would be back to that wonderful family before I knew it. But I started to see money disappearing again and he would tell me he owed so and so money from before. He promised me he had not gambled since he met me and he was done with that. I chose to believe.
      February he started a great new job, the final answer to our prayers. He did have his own company but the gambling pretty much destroyed it and he had not been working since August, but he actively looked for employment. I thought he would be on cloud nine but he seemed worried and more distant. I attributed that to being stressed over a new job.
      Last week he took considerable amounts of money from our account to, according to him, pay past debts. After alot of arguing over the past few days he finally admitted that he has been gambling for two years. That he had kept away from it for five and when the bookie contacted him it just all started over.
      Yesterday I told him he had two choices admit his problem and get help or loose his family. I can’t do this anymore. He chose to get help. He gave me all of his debit cards and is going to the local GA meeting tomorrow. I am relieved to say the least but I’m also angry, hurt and tired. I want to be there for him, but I’m not sure who is there for me. I don’t know if I tell our kids (17 and 14). I don’t know how much to restrict access to money. I just don’t know what to expect.
      I have hope, but yet dread that this won’t work. Any advice is more than appreciated and welcomed.

    • #1731
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi BB
      You have been inadvertently caught up in the cycle of the addiction to gamble and not known where to turn – I’m glad you have found this site where there is no judgement – just understanding.
      You have been up one moment and down the next – the roller coaster whipping you along and gradually taking away your control – it is time to put the brakes on so that you can get off.
      I hope to read in your next post that he did attend GA and how he has reacted.   It is common for a CG to come home and say they are not as bad as the others – whatever he says, listen but don’t judge – what actually happens he may not tell you the truth.   I did once hear that whatever their reaction they never forget the words at the first meeting.  
      I hope that this site can be your rock.   It is a lonely life with the addiction to gamble in it but I will walk with you for as long as you want me to.
      Unfortunately I am going away for a few days I am going to bring my thread ‘The F&F cycle’ up for your – I hope it helps to see that you are understood.  
      With regard to telling your children we have focussed on this in our friends and family topic forum which is the forum below this.  Maybe there is something there that could help.   My suggestion is that you should gather as much knowledge as you can about the addiction to gamble before you tell others because it is easier to impart the knowledge dispassionately, without leaving an opening for opinions – just questions.
      You have done well taking his credit cards and he has done well giving them to you.   These are starter point for a recovery.
      Your confidence and self-esteem will have been flattened by your husband’s addiction and although it doesn’t see too great an answer, looking after yourself is the best thing you can do for both of you.   It works because your mind will have been full of your husband’s addiction too and it has been pulling the string of your life.   Taking back control is important –‘you’ are important.  You cannot make your husband stop gambling but you can make a difference.
      You have done nothing wrong – without knowledge you never stood a chance and the addiction knew it.   Between us we will reverse that misunderstanding and you will realise that you are stronger than your husband who is controlled – you are not, you are free.  
      I might get a change to speak to you tomorrow but if not I will write again soon.  In the meantime, know you are among those who understand.
      Well done writing your first post.  
      Velvet  
       

    • #1732
      nomore 56
      Participant

      Hi BB, nobody could say it better than Velvet. You will find a lot of support on this site and I think when you read the initial posts of the other f&fs you will find that our stories are very similar. The addiction is pretty consistent in appearance and how it establishes and manifests itself. Even if the people are different in every way. I noticed that you said that you “chose” to believe your hb. That is great insight on your part already! I’m sure you knew that something about his “I have to pay back money I owe from the past” wasn’t true. I’ve heard the most complicated and irrational explanations for the constant need for money myself over the years, some of them quite fantastic and dare I say idiotic?? Since I also live in the US I would like to mention a couple things you can do to protect your finances. If you’re sure you have all his cards, take his name of all of your accounts, joint or other and every one of your credit cards as well. Pull BOTH of your credit reports, he doesn’t have to know about this btw. Sign up for a credit monitoring service. They are not too expensive and will notify you if your hb applies for a cc or a loan. Make sure that YOU pay all the bills. You asked about the issue of controlling the money. Ideally he should only have cash for day-to-day expenses like gas and lunch and such. Without you having to ask he should give you the receipts right away. Its sounds harsh but it is what ***** to be done for him to really honestly work on his recovery. It’s great that he agreed to seek help. Do you think he is really doing so because he has realized that he ***** help or is he doing it because you want him to?
      As for your children, they are old enough for the truth. They might not know about the gambling but they certainly know that something is very wrong. The topic of addictions is addressed in school and at least in WA state it now includes cg as well as substance abuse. My daughter was 14 when her father was put in prison for embezzling and it came as a complete shock. I had tried to protect her and that was a wrong decision. If the kids know there is also less danger of being forced to take sides or reject your hb without knowing what is really going on. Just my opinion though.
      Do you have any support for yourself, like friends or family you can safely confide in? Addiction isolates, not only the addict but even more so the family members. You might want to find a GamAnon group for yourself. While I was an active group member we also had teenage children of cgs there because addiction is a family disease and it takes an combined effort to attack the beast. I hope your hb is ready to work on step one since he sure has lost control at this point. Wishing you and your family the best….

    • #1733
      velvet
      Moderator

       
      Hi BB
      I am bringing up my ‘F&F Cycle’ thread for you.  Your feelings of desperation and then hope and then desperation are common for the F&F – they are feelings determined by the addiction of another and I hope the thread explains why.
      Although it is not recognized professionally the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope.
      Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room.    As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it never sleeps.
      Your husband is controlled by the addiction to gamble but you are not.   When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument.   It is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not.   Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you.   When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.  
      I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive.   If you can stand back a bit and listen to what he is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control.   Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.  
      Please start believing, knowing that you are not responsibly for your husband’s addiction.   Do things that please ‘you’ that are not associated with his addiction.  See friends, alter the furniture arrangements, have a massage – something that pleases you, perhaps an old hobby that you stopped because the addiction was in your life.  Rebuild your confidence and self-esteem – don’t let the addiction take you down any further with it.
      If your husband does go to GA, join this site or see a dedicated counsellor the fact that you are not part of the wreckage of his addiction will help him.   If we do not recover then we are still victims of the addiction and as victims we are powerless.   Of course it is alright to feel anger – it is a natural reaction to your experience but your husband has not deliberately hurt you.
      If you look after you, you will feel less tired and more able to be there for him if and when he changes.  
      It will be a long time before you can trust your husband – he cannot trust himself so why should you?   The forum will be here for you whenever you want it.
      I would not be writing here if I did not know this addiction can be controlled but I know we cannot control it.  You can only control yourself and to do that you have to take back your life and deny the addiction its power over you.  
      I will be back next week and hope to read an update from you
      Velvet
       

    • #1734
      Anonymous
      Guest

      I was floored after reading the F&F Cycle. It brought tears to my eyes. Partly because I was relieved that I am not loosing my mind, that I’m not the only one who has been through that up and down and being twisted inside and out. And also because, I know my husband has a problem, but I hope he truly understands how much of a problem this is.
      He has committed to going to GA tonight. I feel he is going because he wants to get his life back (those were his words). But I worry that he still doesn’t get it. I don’t believe he sees what this has done to his life. I don’t believe he sees what this has done to me and the kids. Does GA help the CG understand that and come to grips with the effects of gambling?
      As far as taking care of myself…how do I do that and still take care of him? If I block out the gambling, money, problems and fighting, I can be happy; I’ve done it. But to block that out I have to block out my husband. And I feel like that is walking away from him when he ***** my support the most. Especially when he is starting GA. I guess there is a balance there, I need to find.
      Still trying to figure out how to handle the kids. I am leaning towards telling them.

    • #1735
      velvet
      Moderator

       
      Hi BB
      I’m afraid that no amount of worrying if he ‘gets it’ make any difference – it will only wear you out more.
      He won’t see what he has done to his life because as yet he can’t afford to look.   To look would be to see and if he sees, he will know what he has done and if he knows what he has done, he will have to take responsibility for his actions and that takes such courage.   If your husband goes to GA , I hope he will be in a good group and that they will help him take his blinker off and face his demons – he ***** the right support to help him move forward.  
      I would never ask that you block your loved one out but you can refuse to live with his addiction and mean it.   By taking care of yourself you are giving him the best support possible.   He will not have wanted to bring you down but his addiction will take you all the way if you allow it and then you are part of the damage he has to fix. 
      He will need time to come to grips with what he has done to you and the children if he is to live gamble-free.   Unfortunately those who love CGs cannot make their loved one stop gambling – other CGs, dedicated counsellors and GA can do that – they can understand your husband as you and I cannot.  
      It is not ‘walking away’ to look after you and your children first.  Your husband is unable to take responsibility for you all and it falls to you, to support him by doing so.  
      I have a group in an hour and a half and maybe you could join it and we could communicate in real time.   I am going away tomorrow and will look for you on my return.  
      I don’t know if you know the Serenity Prayer which we say in the last 5 minutes of our Tuesday group and which your husband will say tonight if he goes to GA.  It is
      God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
      Courage to change the things I can
      And widom to know the difference.
      I also like the other version which is
      God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
      Courage to change the one thing that I can
      And wisdom to know it is me.
      When you have tried everything else and it hasn’t worked – it is time to try something new.   You have almost certainly have been putting your husband first for a long time and his addiction will benefit from that – support him by looking after you.
      Hope that makes sense but please keep asking questions – you will find your balance and with knowledge you will be able to make informed decisions.
      Velvet
       
       

    • #1736
      nomore 56
      Participant

      Hi BB, I copied part of your post to Berber because I found this really interesting: My HB’s entire family knew and never said a word. My FIL even went so far as asking my HB if he had told me. When he said he had not that was the end of it! In a way my FIL told me at a family function…”I don’t know about that one (referring to my HB) you need to keep your eye on him.” I am so angry at his entire family for hiding this for YEARS I can not even be around them. I am angry at the disservice they did to my HB and the disservice they did to me and my children. How did you deal with your HB’s family?
      Sorry, for some reason I can’t highlight or bold this.
      I found myself in the same situation with my hb’s family. He started gambling when he was only about 12. In fact his mother and stepfather gave him money to bet on a horse when they were at the track. Basically everybody knew, my mil, his siblings and later also his buddies in the military. Nobody said a word to me ever. When he disappeared for the first time on his way back to the States I called my mil hysterically, crying and worried to death. She knew that he was gambling somewhere but just said that she had “hoped he had finally grown up” without explaining what that meant. They did a great job enabling him, with money, covering up for him and most of all with their silence. When he had lost control completely and had been fired from his job my sil actually wired him over $20 K to pay off a credit card. Which he didn’t do of course. She later got raging mad at ME because she had lost her savings to save my f….g house and my f….g car. Both were gone at that time.
      Addiction is a family disease, it is actually the head of the household because it rules everyone’s life. The addict is the center of the universe and the rest of the family usually just reacts to what is going on. I also think that for the biological family it becomes so “normal” in a way that they just accept it for what it is. Lots of people still don’t believe that gambling is really an addiction. You don’t put a substance in your body, you just DO something and therefore the solution is to stop doing it. Now that I understand about the dynamics I am no longer mad at them for enabling him. But I am still very upset that they blamed me for his downfall. I think we are seen as the designated caregivers for our cgs when they leave their family of origin. The burden is past on to us. And if we can’t do the job of changing him, well, then we might have just failed. When my hb was in prison, I was dropped like a hot potato. Not that I care any longer but I’m still mad that they also ignored my daughter. She was in such need for support and a family of some kind since all my people live so far away. Instead they broke off all contact and that hurt my child very badly.
      Nobody can tell you how to handle your in-laws. But if you hb is ever actively working on his recovery, they need to face the truth. Either they are part of the solution or continue to be part of the problem. Recovery means for the cg to make changes and the whole family has to change as well.

    • #1737
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Update 5/10/13
      On a side note even though I found this site only two days ago, I found this has become my release. It is scary and a re***f that there are so many others walking in the exact same steps I am.
      He went last night to GA for the first time. I thought he was going to back out. He looked totally defeated and scared (reminded me of a child) when I got home from work. I got a little teary when he was saying he didn’t want to go. He said he didn’t want to be around “those people”. I didn’t push or comment, I just told him the choice was his, I couldn’t make him go. He seemed to pull himself together we made dinner together and had dinner as a family. Normal chit chat.
      I gave the kids a heads up that we had to go to an appointment and he asked what appointment. I just looked at him and said did you decide not to go. No answer. He came out to the kitchen said he hadn’t gambled in two days (a ***) and didn’t want to go. I again told him the choice was his. He had to want to go or we were wasting our time. He finally said ok. He **** his feet like a child in getting ready, his shoes on, getting in the car. I never said a word just waited patiently, hoping I looked calm on the outside, not showing what a mess I was on the inside. I was silently screaming, begging and raging for him to go.
      In the car on the way he became angry. I said I can turn around it’s up to you. He then started to beg and cry. Promising he would never gamble again. By this time I was already there and pulled into a parking spot. I repeated I couldn’t make him go but this was bigger than both of us. We needed to learn how to manage it. Back to anger got out of the car. Wanted to know if he was just supposed to walk in there and ask where GA was. His **** swings were mind boggling. Went in with him, found the room. He told me he could do it the rest of the way.
      He went. I got the impression it was not as bad as he envisioned. He seemed very upbeat afterwards. Said everyone had the same story as him…*****, secrets, ******** etc. Also promised to return. We really did not have a chance to talk after because the kids were home when we got back and honestly he didn’t seem like he wanted to talk. So I don’t know how he. He showed me a brochure, the standard stuff which is on the GA’s web page and he also had some papers that as soon as we got home he put in his car. He did not show me what they were.
      That was a small victory attending GA. But I know he gambled on Wednesday. It seems like when he is really stressed that triggers the gambling. He admitted to me today that he returned an item and got the money for it. It was a belt for our lawn mower that did not fit.
      I am praying that last night he truly committed himself to this. He told me he has.
      As far as my in-laws are concerned. They are oblivious and my anger is simmering. He is supposed to tell his two sisters. I have not pushed concerning his parents; I am torn where they are concerned, because my FIL is progressing further into Alzheimer’s Disease. He is still able to function with my MIL’s help on their own and his memory gaps are sporadic with no real rhyme or reason. So at this point I am afraid pushing this issue with them will make it worse rather than better.
      Sometimes I feel my anger towards them is not justified but I also feel they robbed him of so many opportunities. And yes, I am angry because I feel like they sabotaged our relationship from the get go with it having no real chance of succeeding.

    • #1738
      berber
      Participant

      Dear BB,
      Thanks for your message. I read your last post and I can relate to your emotions when you drove him to GA. Well done, he went. A minor victory, but any spark of hope is better than none, right?
      I understand how betrayed you must feel (I know I did!) with the inlaws knowing about this ‘deep dark secret’. Slowly I am starting to realize that they too were a victim of the ‘beast’. The addiction **** to protect itself and in that – people (me) got hurt. I am assuming that he probably scared his parents about telling me before we got married, perhaps he convinced them that I would leave him, or God knows what! I know he had tried to scare/manipulate me not to address the ‘gambling issue’ to his parents *ever*. When he found out I did he got so angry and said that if bad things would happen it would be my fault… I’ll just leave it at that.
      So, I do realize that *if* his parents would have wanted to tell me (which I do not know), it was not easy. And also, I believe that blood is thicker than water so in the end they did not care about their Daughter In Law (me) nearly as much as about their son (the beast at the time). In the end, I think it’s due to ignorance on their part that they are not helping their son and I shouldn’t really get angry for people being ignorant, should I? This is the theory, practice is harder!
      Have a peaceful weekend!!
      God Bless,
      X
      Berber

    • #1739
      Anonymous
      Guest

      5-11-13
      Next Saturday we are removing his name from our joint account. That is the soonest we can do it between both our work schedules and the kids. If he is given cash for any reason, he is to bring the receipts and the leftover change. I have agreed to put my receipts in the same location. Trying to set similar rules for myself.
      He initially agreed to tell his sisters. He is now refusing and told me if I tell them there will be big problems. My outside voice said….we will see I am not saying it ***** done now, but it does need to be done. My inside voice….big whoopty doo what could you do to me that hasn’t already been done? Leave? Hmmm…that could be a vacation for me at this point.
      I am questioning myself do I want his family involved so they can help him or because I want to punish them in some way. I know I resent them. He continually sacrifices me, my feelings and our family but will do whatever it takes to protect their feelings and their opinion of him. I just don’t know at this point.
      I have decided to wait to tell the kids. I still do not think I have enough information to explain this to them. I am going to my first gam-anon meeting Monday night. I want to wait until after that and I can process whatever I learn there.
      I am finding I am having a hard time being the happy, supportive, wife. I have a lot of anger. Not sure how to get past that. Actually I am afraid that I have no idea who I married. Is it the awesome guy that treats me like gold…or is that the guilt talking after or before gambling? Does the person who treated me like gold exist?

    • #1740
      nomore 56
      Participant

      Hi BB, I hope you have a decent mother’s day today. These holidays are usually pretty hard as they remind us what should be, could be, was and isn’t right now. I agree with your inside voice when it comes to informing the family. At the very least they might appreciate knowing what is going on because cgs often use their families as a resource for money. When you tell them is of course your choice. I don’t know how close you are with the in-laws but I think they already suspect that there is something very wrong. Isn’t it weird that when it comes to cg, we actually have to take some action while almost every other addiction is so obvious and can’t be hidden for long? I was in the same position, my hb seemed to only care about his family, mostly about his mother. Everybody else was more important than my daughter and I. Looking back I understand why because I learned so much about the dysfunctional dynamics in that family. While you are the wife, he might just try to protect his reputation with them? He might be embarrassed. Who knows. But cg is a family disease, it affects everyone. Just like you, they cannot really help him. Just be supportive and avoid any kind of enabling. Good for you that you will attend a meeting this week. And I think it is very smart to get more information before you talk to the kids. It’s not easy to explain the whole mess to them without bashing their father too badly. I also wondered who the person was I married. Which one was real and which one was not? Two totally different people. Your “real” hb is in there somewhere, the addiction is just not letting him out of its’ grip at the moment. If he opens the door and seeks help to battle the addiction, the man you knew might just walk through it again.

    • #1741
      Anonymous
      Guest

      5-13-13 Well Mother’s Day was a real bummer. He had to work, he’s on his eight day shift right now. So I got periodic texts saying he was sorry for this or that, especially that he could not go get me a gift (“because remember I took his cards!” thanks for reminding me). It was nice spending the day with the kids; I really enjoyed that.

      I am short of temper. I blew up at my daughter Sunday evening. The outward reason was because her father and she decided to do dual enrollment next year…senior year of high school and start college. More honest reason was because I have no idea how that will be paid for considering everybody we owe and that she did not include me in on any discussions. I guess I have been that unavailable with everything going on, that ******* up in this ****. That makes me feel very guilty.

      Going tonight to my first meeting(Gamanon). I have to miss part of my son’s baseball game in order to go, again I feel quilty. I hope this helps me to get my head right and start to process everything better. I do not know how realistic this is but I want to deal with everything and get over it so I can have a normal life and I want that to happen NOW. I just want to be happy. He is also going to his second GA meeting. He seems very positive about everything and says he is committed to this. I still think we both need additional therapy. But I wanted to listen to tonight first.
      Not alot of thoughts today…just grumbles. Keeping my fingers crossed that tonight helps.

    • #1742
      Anonymous
      Guest

      I feel like a *****. I try to stay calm to the addition and stand firm, but inside I’m a mess. I want things to be normal. I want to have a normal day/night with my husband. I want to be able to have a normal conversation with him without feeling like he is trying to antagonize me. I don’t want to take everything he says and does so **** personally. I want to know he loves me. I want to know when he leaves this house he is going where he says he is. I want him to be there for me. I don’t want to feel alone. I don’t want to be mad and frustrated. When I look at him I want to see everything he has given me not everything he has taken. I want to feel strong not brittle and ready to break. I don’t want to feel like I am hiding half of myself and my life from everyone. I want my kids to know I am there for them and be there for them. I don’t want to think that they would be better off with a different woman as a mother. I don’t want to feel like quitting. I don’t want to get upset over stupid little things.
      I want to be the old me or at lease a little saner than what I am.

    • #1743
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Also I am grateful I have this site and the friends I am creating here.

    • #1744
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Velvet, maybe this is what you have been trying to tell me when you tell me to take care of myself first….
      I have come to the realization that I can not save him, I can not make him truly want to be clean and in trying to do both of those I am turning myself into a very ugly and unhappy individual. He is going to GA, however I do not think the frequency of when he gambles has decreased. The slips that he calls them are just part of his normal gambling behavior. He hasn’t changed a thing except go to GA and say he ***** help. Now I am not minimizing GA or when he says he ***** help….however I think he is using that as a “cover”. He knows that is what he should be doing and saying, I think he would like that very much but I do not think he truly WANTS it….maybe quite yet. Or if he does want it, he wants me to do it for him by babysitting him. Which I have been doing. And that is wearing me out.
      So I am stepping back. I will protect my family financially, protect myself and the kids from the ugliness of the disease, but I can not protect him. I can not any longer be his baby sitter/care taker. It is turning me into a ticking time ****. I bury my frustrations and then I explode. And I feel like the addiction is scrambling my brain, sucking out any strength or self confidence I had left in me.
      I am NOW putting me and the kids first. I love him and I would love to help him, but I can’t because he doesn’t want to take responsibility for the addiction. He wants someone to make it go away for him. Maybe now that I am not pouring all of my energy into him I can now start putting myself back together. Instead of seeing someone that doesn’t care about their appearance or if they finish a project, I will see someone that wants her life back and is taking the right steps to do that. Putting emphasis on rebuilding family relationships, including with my own children, and enjoying the things I love again.
      As I type this I know that sounds all great and awesome, but I still have a sadness in my heart because I am afraid I will loose him to his addition. It’s a very large fear. He has taken some positive steps I will not deny him those successes, but I can’t do this for him and I think that’s what he wants.
      I hope I’m not making a mistake, but I am close to loosing my mind and no good to anyone like that. Obviously what I have been doing is not working. I heard this phrase…the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That’s where I’m at. It’s now time to place me and the kids first.

    • #1745
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi BB
      I don’t think there is a soul on this site CG or non-CG who would not recognise themselves in your post of 2nd June.  You are wanting, as everybody on this site, is wanting – normal.
      I do not for one second consider you a *****.  Standing against this addiction is incredibly hard and I don’t think any one of us would not have understood the depth of your feelings.   Don’t worry that you will become hard.   I am still soft inside – I promise you.
      You latest post is terrific and totally the message I am trying to convey.   It is hard not to pussy-foot around when the message you are trying to give is blunt and painful but only when we really take it on board do we change.   You are right – we cannot make a CG stop gambling.   It is sad but many do pay lip service to GA but as long as he is going, there is always the hope that someone will say the words he ***** to hear.   His addiction works on triggers and recoveries do too.  
      Perhaps you could ask him to put some of your worries to his fellow members to gauge their reaction.   This I believe does a couple of things – it puts your message over to him and then I believe it is strengthened by the group backing your thoughts.   CGs often read F&F on this site and I know it gives many of them pain but they are hearing what other people, rather than their particular loves ones, are saying.   I have heard some say, they get more from reading F&F than anything else.   We don’t write for them – they are anonymous and someone else’s loved ones – we are not trying to send a message and they know that.   What we are doing, inadvertently, is backing up what ‘their’ loves ones have been trying to say.
      Keep going with your thinking – I know it seems a massive hurdle but once you cross it the running is smoother.  
      Speak soon
      V
       

    • #1746
      adele
      Participant

      Dear BB,
      I feel like a ***** a lot of the time too – especially when I’m with my family who know nothing about this mess and I feel like I’m pretending everything is fine as always with me when it’s not. I want us both to find a way to feel more genuinely fine, at least sometimes, whether or not our husbands recover.
      I hope you have started strengthening the relationship with your kids and you are spending quality time with them. This would be so good for you all.  And you surely know in your heart that they could never be better off with a different woman as their mother – you must not ever let this damned addiction convince you of that!!
      I haven’t seen you post in awhile, so I suspect you are flip-flopping like me – but maybe things are going much better for you and you are putting your time and energy into your kids and other interests.  I hope that is true and I’d love to hear about it if it is.
      If not, I want to hear about that too girl.
      Did you ever go to that Gamanon meeting?  If so, what did you think?
      Is your husband still going to the outpatient rehab on the 10th?
      I hope you post soon and let us know how things are going.
      Adele
       "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele

    • #1747
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Part of the reason I have not been around is I have been very busy with work. The other is I am having a hard time moving forward. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I am afraid once I start moving forward I will leave my CG behind and loose my husband. As I type that I guess if that is what happens then that’s on him not me. I know where I need to be at and I like I said, am afraid that will cause my CG to pull away even more. I am getting better at eliminating arguments or stopping them before both of us are beyond understanding. I know he will not tell me what I want to hear (that he understands and loves me and will make us better…my fairy tale). I know it I just don’t like it. I am really struggling with feeling alone. That actually is the worst for me.
      I am spending more time with the kids. Especially my 13 year old. The 17 year old is busy with friends and grad parties, basically being a normal 17 year old. I finally made the decision to tell them about the addiction. For two reasons, one being that I needed to make sure they were not leaving money ****** around and they were not giving him any money. How sad that he has sunk so low as to ***** from the kids. Two I wanted them to know the problem between us. He has changed in personality so drastically that I wanted them to know it wasn’t because of them or me. I wanted them to know that the addiction was altering his judgement and thoughts, to not take it personally. My 17 year old seemed to understand; my 13 year old was angry and is doing better at understanding as much as you can.

      He still has an appointment tomorrow and says he is going. I do not think I will go with. We have had a rough weekend; he dropped the **** on me that he owed two people he works with money. I am so sick of the surprises. Even though I try to focus on me, it seems like the addiction knows this and tries to pull you back in. I told him if he owed people money I could write a check to them directly with gambling debt in the memo or they could come and get the money from me. I wasn’t giving him cash. So one individual came over after work to get the money. I still don’t know if it was legitimate. I was so angry and frustrated…when will this end. I feel like in those instances I do turn into the crazy lady. On top of that I resigned as president of an organization. I had access to the organization’s funds which he took advantage of. So I replaced the cash and resigned. I could not run the risk of it happening again. Honestly I was overwhelmed with work, home, CG and this organization, so I probably should have resigned sooner, but it still stinks.
      I also have RA (rheumatoid arthritis) and I have my first doctor’s appointment this Thursday. I am doing a serious sticking my head in the sand and do not want to deal with this. It’s one other thing that I have to take care of and process. And I am fresh out of processing ability. I have not really talked to him about it. I mean what’s the point I’ll be supporting myself (which I have not been doing well).
      So all of the above lead to the perfect storm on Saturday when he told me he owed guys money. I turned into the crazy lady. I myself do not know how to deal with it so she kicks in and she doesn’t hold much back. He ended up leaving which was probably best. I wish I could leave just walk away from the problems.
      On a positive note I am doing a massive overhaul on the garage. You could have gotten lost in that place…I like to do wood working and there was odds and ends, salvaged stuff I picked up along the way. So it’s now in the process of getting organized. That will be a small accomplishment.
      Adele I will take the time to catch up with you this evening. I had a few minutes and wanted to journal.
      BB

    • #1748
      adele
      Participant

      BB – I can save you some time catching up with me … I was the "crazy lady" Friday night.   ‘Nuff said?   ha..
      I am on my iPad, but I’m going to boot up my laptop (so I can type faster) and go into the Unmoderated Chat Room. I will stay there for awhile if you read this in the next little bit and want to jump in and chat.  If not, I will post more later.
      Adele
      "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?"  Adele– 6/9/2013 11:31:13 PM: post edited by adele.

    • #1749
      adele
      Participant

      Dear BB,
      While I was in the Unmoderated Chat Room today waiting to see if you saw my post about going there to visit,  I met and chatted at length with another member who is a CG in recovery. 
      It was a very eye-opening conversation and I left feeling somewhat encouraged to work harder on my recovery and to be more patient with my husband’s recovery.  He reminded me several ***** that I cannot make my CG stop gambling. I hope when you are up to it you will read about it on my thread.
      I am so sorry to hear that you have RA.  One thing I know well about this disease is that stress can cause it to flare up – so it is more important than ever that you start taking care of yourself. You certainly cannot “stick your head in the sand” about this.
      You mentioned you’re feeling alone … I’m sure you know that all of us here understand what you mean, but I think you need someone to talk to –  a friend or relative you can trust with your secret.  Although to be honest,  even though my best friend knows about the gambling, there is only so much she can understand, and I am not always up to explaining the addiction to her before I just talk about it with her.  But the couple of ***** that I have, I felt a good deal lighter afterwards, so talking helps just like posting here does.
      BB,  any time you want to chat in the Unmoderated Chat Room, just post a note on my thread with a time that you can be there that day, and if I can (and my head isn’t reeling over something), I will meet you there at that time.
      I have to tell you, the way you handled paying the money back that your husband’s co-worker loaned him was,  I think,  brilliant.  If that guy loans your husband money again, then he is a FOOL – and, in my opinion, does not deserve to get his money back from you!  If I decide to start paying on my husband’s debts, I hope I can come up with a similar “message” to go along with the payment.
      Also, you didn’t ask, but I think you have absolutely made the right decision in telling your children about your husband’s addiction, and for exactly the right reasons.  I’m sure it took a lot of courage.  I hope this helps you to realize that you really are stronger than you think.
      So, on a lighter note – are you a “Do-It-Yourselfer” like me?   The wood working and your garage sounds oddly familiar to me …. He he..
      Keep posting BB, don’t let this stuff “fester in your head” as Velvet says – we’re listening ….
      Adele
       "… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?"  Adele– 6/10/2013 6:04:39 PM: post edited by adele.

    • #1750
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi BB
      I love the idea of you wood-working and hopefully getting engrossed in something that keeps the crazy thoughts at bay.   I have also been the crazy woman and I am really pleased to tell you that when you are no longer in the shadow of the addiction, sanity returns and the crazy woman disappears – never to return.   When you have gained knowledge about what has hurt you and realised that you have the key to your own recovery, you can retake control of your own life and this is good for you, your children and your husband.  
      I don’t know what your outcome will be but I do know that hundreds of members have passed through this forum and gone on to lives that are not controlled by the addiction of another.    Success, in this forum, is the non-CG living their life free of the addiction and I have seen it over and over.  
      Being organised is far from a small accomplishment.   Crazy people cannot get organised – I know.  
      It is a sad fact that the addiction will not allow the non-CG to stick their head in the sand for long – it is too demanding.   Please keep looking after you, put you first and your children will have a wonderful role model.   The more you look after you, the stronger you will be and the more you will be able to cope.  
      Keep posting – when ‘you’ want to and  please tell us what you have created out of odds and ends – I am really impractical when it comes to wood – you have a gift and hopefully it is going to take your forward mentally while I hope your doctor can bring you relief physically.
      V
       

    • #1751
      Anonymous
      Guest

      I have not created anything new, but, the dork that I am, I have enjoyed admiring my clean and organized garage!
      We met with the counselor on Monday. It was pretty basic trying to get a feel for his personal background, what her past and current gambling habits are, current **** and temperment. I was very surprised that he wanted me present for everything. I had not planned on going in with him but he wanted me to hear what he said. It was uncomfortable at ***** and for the most part I tried to keep quiet, this was his deal not mine. She did ask me what we wanted out of this or what each of us wanted to accomplish. Our answers were pretty much the same, to take our lives back. He did gloss over some answers especially when it came to how he feels. There’s a surprise a man that doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. I some***** wonder though if he believes the way he acts and is, is all life is meant to be. He can be snippy at *****, lack of energy, no motivation, just seems lost. I hope he doesn’t think this is all there is to life, I hope he can have faith there is something more. So now we wait for a call back and referral; should be this week.
      I am feeling better. I am trying to lead by example in a positive way instead of being mad. My initial concern was if I began moving forward would the distance between us grow or would he eventually catch up with me? I am having glimmers of hope that as I make progress with myself and begin to tackle projects and complete them he will eventually follow. He is currently on his four days off and he’s been struggling, he admitted it to me. He has been trying to keep himself busy but I think he is having a hard time getting himself motivated. I haven’t criticized that, just told him it would come when he was ready. He then commented well look at what you accomplished with the garage. You did that by yourself. Soooo I thought it was positive that he noticed what I was doing. Maybe he will, when he’s ready, have a positive change in attitude and think constructively not de-constructively. He wants it because he’s noticed.
      The past couple days I know he has been having urges. We call wanting to gamble urges. But as far as I know he has fought those and succeeded so far. It has had me sitting on pins and needles at work as I pray he can stay strong. I have been finding reasons to call periodically just to make sure he is doing ok. I have to say today is really shakey, I am worried.
      I heard an awesome saying last night, that I want to paint on something and hang up in our house. “What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?” I love that.
      And how do I get my posts to format nicely???

    • #1752
      nomore 56
      Participant

      Hi BB, I have struggled with the formatting forever. Do you happen to use a Mac? I do and so I told myself why don’t you try another browser instead of google chrome? Chose firefox and what do you know, it shows a little tool bar for bolding and such. Haven’t tried it yet myself but it might work for you? Hope it helps…:)

    • #1753
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Well it’s been a week since I last posted. I have so much to say I’m sure I will miss something and gloss over other points. I missed posting but honestly I have not been ready to until now. I feel like I have messed everything up and I don’t know where to go to from here.
      To start with he had been gone for two days when I had to cart my cranky self to the Urgent Care (in our area that’s like the ER but for smaller issues). I had been not feeling well, more than flu like symptoms, but didn’t want to go to the doctor because I wanted to save money. Well that intelligent idea ended up costing me more money. A trip to the urgent care, IV antibiotic drip, and antibiotic…that will be $550 please. To top it off I was so sick by that point, that they called my emergency contact (guess who that is..).to come and get me. He was freaking out feeling guilty etc etc. I knew I could have taken care of myself but it was a whole lot easier to have someone to help and I wasn’t calling my parents because then I would have to explain why my husband wasn’t there and I had shipped the kids off until I could sanitize the house. No, I had not told my parents. I did not want to hear their negativity or comments. So he slept on our couch, I wouldn’t let him stay in the spare bedroom. He was awesome. It was almost like it was before. He was so open. Told me things I had no clue about; really I felt was honest for the first time. Making some jokes about some of the stuff he told me but also getting quite emotional. I thought getting sick was the best thing that could have happened.
      I have been up and about since Thursday and he is still at the house. We have been enjoying a calm period, a pretty honest period for us. I was starting to open back up and he was responding well. I felt like I was not having to screen every word that came out of his mouth looking for a hidden meaning. It was nice.
      On Sunday I was using his computer to check my work email because mine was having software downloaded on it. My intention was not to snoop. I started to type the address for my email provider in the web bar and some of the history popped up. One line caught my attention…a keez.com. It’s a **** sight. The son of b#$%&. Really? Really?! I mean has he not done enough damage to me? I confronted him about it and it was like travelling back to the beginning of this whole **** mess. Same style of argument, same frustrations. Except it’s worse.
      When I found out about the gambling I never blamed myself, never felt like I was the cause of it. I wanted to help him and fix him, but I have gotten past that. This, the ****, I take very personally. Why did he have to go there? Am I not enough? I mean our *** life sucks so is this it for him. Some woman on the screen who is ****** it beyond reason. Is that what does it for him. The son of a b#$%@.
      I saw where the argument was going and I just walked away. He would only *** and try to place blame on me. I wasn’t giving him that.
      I want nothing to do with him. I don’t know if I am blowing this out of proportion. I know I am not ok with him hiding the **** or him watching the **** by himself period. I personally have always though **** was silly.
      Even though we never had the official conversation of him coming back in the house, he’s there. I never should have accepted his offer of help. Never should have let him come back. Because now I do not know where to go from here. I have a gam anon meeting tonight and honestly I’m not in the **** to go. I know they will know it’s been a ****** week and will want me to share. I know I don’t have to. I would just rather be by myself.
      I will write more later. I have to get scooting. So right now everything is a mess because of some chicks on the internet ****** a ******…and my weak attitude and allowing him back.

    • #1754
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear BB
      I haven’t got long tonight and I have written on Adele’s thread that I would address the issue of **** that is being mentioned on so many threads.  I feel that I need to speak about it a bit quicker in view of your latest post.
      Why ****?    When addiction fills the head of a CG they feel worthless.   The addiction to gamble is failure driven and failure affects every aspect of the CG’s life.    A CG can feel emasculated by his addiction and **** is a way to feel better – a way to prove, in secret, that certain parts still work and that they are still men. 
      You said your *** life sucked and it is very likely that your husband was unable to show you a loving ***ual act because his mind was full of gambling – he was unable to feel love as it should be felt.   It is the reason that many non-CGs think their loved ones have mistresses and then find out that it is the addiction to gamble that is the mistress – the thing that has taken their loved one away.
      I am sorry that I am bolting this off but I have a sense of urgency from your post – I would like to have dealt with this with more consideration,   Please do not take this personally.   It is highly likely that your husband will not be able to explain to you why he has watched ****.    ‘You’ have not failed but he thinks that he has. 
      I have known CGs who have gone with other women, women they did not love because it relieved them.   It is easier to have *** with someone they do not care for than to show love with the person they love and who loves them.    
      I am not making excuses BB.   I personally loathe ****.   I have learned to understand from a few CGs that their addiction caused them problems in bed with the person they love.  I believe what I have heard to be true and I believe that in control of an addiction a man can show love in bed.
      There is post in ‘My Journal’ which I hope will help you but I need time to remember where I saw it.  
      You are not weak.   You ‘are’ enough.   The addiction strips away all that is good.   It seems you have seen the man you loved in the last few days and I am so sorry that this latest blow has hit you so hard.  
      I really do have to go.   Please ask me anything you want to ask.  Pop into the group or contact the help-line for one-to-one.
      I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me I would talk to him – he might be too ashamed to open up or he might he relieved to talk.   Whatever happens look after you.  
      Velvet
       

    • #1755
      Anonymous
      Guest

      I talked to him about it and the conversation pretty much went like I thought it would. He said he did not know why he did it. During the whole conversation he was angry, defensive and totally uncaring to how it made me feel. The logical part knew this is how it would go and really was not phased. The emotional part took another hit. I know in my gut I will be fine but I just wish the hating would stop. I really feel that he absolutely loathes me at *****. And it seems as though he is angry at anything that offers me help or comfort. He says he’s glad I have something to fall back on, but I get the feeling only on his terms. I am going to pull back to what I call my safe zone and just focus on me, the house and the kids. I need to realize he will not be there for me for a long time yet. Maybe if I get that pounded through my head the disappointments will not be so crushing. I can honestly say right now I hate him. I wish that would stop too…you shouldn’t hate your husband. It’s also amazing how well I can anticipate the ugly beast and recognize the ***** when he is ruled by the addiction. He might not have gambled but it is still there.

    • #1756
      jenny46
      Participant

      Dear BB
      Focusing on you and the kids is good. A safe zone is good. I am not sure why perving at **** is something that people don’t know why they do, but none the less I guess it can be a form of escapism for some. What comes across to me is the hurt and or resentment in the reception you get when you express your ***** or concerns to him, sometimes its easier and less painful to beat a retreat, leaving things unresolved only to have it raise its head at a later date.
      I guess its not nice to hate your husband but then again its not nice to be on the receiving end of such treatment, and I am guessing the foul treatment came first and the dislike set in slowly and over time. I still believe recovery is possible but that it is not an abstinence of gambling or just that should I say. And for us it is not just about a lack of gambling in our lives, it is the recognition of the need to change some of the traits that grow up around the addiction and also our learning that we do not have to tolerate what can be dished out that we are worth a little bit more than that. Hopefully when both people change there can at some point be a meeting in the middle, new ways of being can emerge but can take time and loads of it.
      Don’t beat yourself up, you will give you a bigger pounding than he can ever give you. Use your support networks to the hilt and look after you.

      JennyWe see things not as they are, but through how we are today x

    • #1757
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi BB
      I think following your latest post and Jenny’s reply there is little I will add to what I was writing before.  
      Your safe zone sounds the place that is right for you to be.  
      Why should you not hate the person that is hurting you so much?   Don’t expect too much of yourself – you are human and you are in pain.   The hating will stop in time.  
      The post I was looking for seems superfluous in view of the way you feel.   I can’t find it anyway and maybe it wouldn’t have helped but I will give you the gist of it. just in case.   It was written by a CG who is living now in control of his addiction and able to love his life and his wife.   He struggled with guilt that on his wedding day he had allowed his bride to walk down the aisle to him on what was, for her, the best day of her life but for him – it was one of the worst.   His only thought was gambling.     
      He knows, now that he is in control of his addiction, that he can never put that day right and of course if he ever told her it would break her heart and she would probably feel she hated him.  
      What I am trying to say is that a person so full of addiction cannot show love because they cannot feel it – he will hate himself, far more than you ever could and because he hates himself, his addictive behaviour is his comfort zone.
      Your husband has no self-esteem and no confidence – he is like a puppet pulled by the strings of a loveless addiction.   He shows anger, defensiveness and lack of care – but the person he cares for least is himself.   These are the traits of the addiction and when they are in full flood I think that withdrawing yourself, to protect yourself is the right thing for you to do.
      On this forum those who love a CG are the people who need support – in my opinion, understanding to the best of our ability those who have hurt us helps us in our futures.  It means we can see that it was not because of who we are that our loved one hurt us – it is because of an addiction that distorted their minds causing them to behave in the most appalling fashion BUT in a way that they would not behave if they were in control of their addiction.
      He will be ashamed of the **** but instead of saying sorry he will fight because he has an addiction that makes him unable to see reason and logic.   The **** does not lessen you as a person one iota.  
      Stay in your safe place until you are ready.   Keep listening and learning and you will make the right informed decision.
      Velvet
       
       
       

    • #1758
      sosad
      Participant

      Hi BB
      Thank you for your kind words of support on my thread.  I can hear your pain too, as well as despair in your writing.  I know how difficult it is.  I also hear a very strong woman and when you said you remembered enough of yourself to recognize what you will not tolerate for yourself or your children I think you made a declaration of how far you have come in a short time.  Please don’t be hard on yourself for letting him back in the house.  You are not weak.  You love your husband – along with all the other feelings you are having – and navigating this incredibly difficult situation will inevitably bring many feelings, all of them to be expected I think.
      I am still pretty fresh down this road myself, and I certainly don’t know what the answer is for anyone else, but I do know that it is true that focusing on yourself (not that I have that down yet really) is the best possible route as it is in coming to know yourself again that you will find your own answers.  I tried so hard to figure out where my boundaries were in the face of what my partner was doing and as I learned about the addiction I tried and figure things out from his perspective as well hoping that the uncertain outcome will be the one I wanted and that my choices would support that hoped for outcome.  And from all that I have experienced and read there is nothing more true than the fact that they will come to their own realization (or not) regardless of what we do…when they are truly ready to make a change they will make it no matter what is happening around them.
      I’m so glad you have taken steps to protect yourself financiall and I think it’s amazing that you are seeing the addiction more clearly when it rears it’s head in conversations you are having with your husband as it does help in at least some small measure to not take things personally.
      I hope you are feeling stronger this week and I am so glad you have found this site and all the support that is here for you.
      xx

    • #1759
      Anonymous
      Guest

      As of this past Tuesday it had been 32 days since my husband had gambled. Unfortunately he gave in and went to an internet cafe on Wednesday. For the first time I actually felt bad for him because he was so disgusted with himself. I know there is a cycle but it is starting to become a little different. After he gambles he usually is very apologetic towards me and I think is more upset because he feels like he let me down. This time he was upset because he broke 32 days of hard work…of feeling proud of himself. He is starting again with a new clean date. I am hoping even though we have a long road to go that we are both finally on the road to recovery.
      Along with limiting money I am trying to limit his stress level. I am honest with him as to where we are at financially and how his dad is doing (his Dad has Alzheimer’s), however I try to buffer things. I know I can not do this forever, but stress is a trigger for him. Until he can better get a handle on himself and the gambling, this is the way it has to be.
      I am more stressed because of that and it is affecting me. I am more short of temper especially at work but I am going to start running again that seems to help for whatever reason. That statement makes it sound like it’s easy but unfortunately I struggle and am trying to take everything a piece at a time. I keep focused on five(?) years down the road when we are a happy, “normal”, loving couple again.
      I am afraid of becoming hard. I know Velvet touched on that a while ago, but more and more it is a worry of mine. I feel like I have to shut a portion of myself down in order to make it through the day. Don’t get me wrong things are getting better but some things are getting worse. The main thing is I feel I have less compassion. I hear someone complain and I just get impatient.
      Bottom line…we are slowly working towards where we want to be. I am hoping the way he felt this past Wednesday will be a huge deterrent to gamble. Progress…we’re turtles…slow but sure.

    • #1760
      Anonymous
      Guest

      As of this past Tuesday it had been 32 days since my husband had gambled. Unfortunately he gave in and went to an internet cafe on Wednesday. For the first time I actually felt bad for him because he was so disgusted with himself. I know there is a cycle but it is starting to become a little different. After he gambles he usually is very apologetic towards me and I think is more upset because he feels like he let me down. This time he was upset because he broke 32 days of hard work…of feeling proud of himself. He is starting again with a new clean date. I am hoping even though we have a long road to go that we are both finally on the road to recovery.
      Along with limiting money I am trying to limit his stress level. I am honest with him as to where we are at financially and how his dad is doing (his Dad has Alzheimer’s), however I try to buffer things. I know I can not do this forever, but stress is a trigger for him. Until he can better get a handle on himself and the gambling, this is the way it has to be.
      I am more stressed because of that and it is affecting me. I am more short of temper especially at work but I am going to start running again that seems to help for whatever reason. That statement makes it sound like it’s easy but unfortunately I struggle and am trying to take everything a piece at a time. I keep focused on five(?) years down the road when we are a happy, “normal”, loving couple again.
      I am afraid of becoming hard. I know Velvet touched on that a while ago, but more and more it is a worry of mine. I feel like I have to shut a portion of myself down in order to make it through the day. Don’t get me wrong things are getting better but some things are getting worse. The main thing is I feel I have less compassion. I hear someone complain and I just get impatient.
      Bottom line…we are slowly working towards where we want to be. I am hoping the way he felt this past Wednesday will be a huge deterrent to gamble. Progress…we’re turtles…slow but sure.

    • #1761
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi BB
      I haven’t got long tonight but I just wanted to comment on the worry you expressed about becoming hard.
      I think that unless a person shuts down a large part of themselves when they change from old behaviour to new then they will struggle to cope.   Life is scarily difficult during this period and building up resistance takes all your energy.   Five years down the line, or even a lot less, you will feel compassion for others again because you were compassionate before although maybe it will show itself differently? 
      I feel compassion every time I read another new post but I never cry for members as I might have done a few years ago.   I know now that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but more importantly, I believe that every member of this forum can move on and live a life without the addiction wrecking it – not only that, they can if they allow it, take the experience and make it into something of value.  
      I get a far greater boost out of people overcoming difficulties in their lives than I ever did before.  I feel it is easier to praise to people than I did before.   I think that crying with others, although done compassionately, didn’t really help them.  I think being strong, not hard, helps others and that to me is compassion.  
      Do I get impatient?   Yes of course it can happen – I want things to change sometimes before people are ready but then I remember how long I took and realise that I should be the last one to judge..
      I am concerned that you are feeling more stressed because you are acting as a buffer for your CG.    I do understand and I cannot tell you what to do but he does have to learn to cope with some stress without using it as an excuse to gamble.  I am sure you are very aware of what I am saying though.   
       
       
       
      V
       

    • #1762
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi BB
      I have just read a post dated 12th August in ‘My Journal’ the thread ‘Day Two is Still a Day Away’, written by Paul 315 where he talks about ‘shouting’ a strong yes because he read in question 19 or the Gamblers anonymous 20 questions ‘did you ever have an urge to gamble to celebrate good fortune by a few hours of gambling’.   He had made his decision to live gamble free and he was so enthused by it he gambled.   It happens.  
      Complacency is the greatest danger to the CG in recovery.   Accepting that they will always be CGs but that they must control this addiction for life is tough.   Personally I think it is tougher than any decision most non-CGs will ever take and we cannot know how we would cope.  Your husband has tested his addiction because he stopped believing he was a CG but slips do not have to be negative, working through a slip can make a CG stronger for the future
      Your husband should put his disappointment behind him.   For 32 days he has enjoyed the freedom of being gamble-free even if they were not the easiest days.   He has let himself down and I am pleased he knows it but a clean date is there for him.   I wish him well.

       

    • #1763
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Thanks for your responses Velvet. The last two weeks for many reasons, I’m not going to list them all the reason themselves are not important, have been very difficult….stressful. We had been getting along relatively well and about a week ago the arguing started again. I have to say the initial arguing started on my side. Irritable with him for seeming to being doing well while I felt like I was coming unglued. Ironic isn’t it when all I have wanted is him to be doing well? Everything came to a head yesterday…he played golf with a friend then went to his counselling session. He said it went well. Then texted me to see if it was ok to go out to lunch with the guy he played golf with. I didn’t have a problem with it…next text wanted to know if it was ok if they stuck around for a couple beers. I wasn’t please about it but I thought choosing between beers with buddies or gambling, beers were preferable. Unfortunately they ended up getting drunk, he was not able to go to GA and by the time I got back from Gam anon he was gone again. Came home drunk and belligerent. We argued, he left and never came home. I left a message asking him to please just let me know that he was ok and he couldn’t even do that. I feel like I am so out of my league…I do not know what to do or how to respond to this. Part of me wants to walk away…a large part. It’s funny how easy it is to slip back in to a pattern of coddling and wanting to help and protect the CG, which I have done.
      Between my CG and the past two weeks my confidence has been just shredded and I let it happen. I really need to go back to just worrying about myself. I have been sitting her while I work wondering what to do and I guess that is the answer. Back to just taking care of me and the kids. Why is it so easy to slip back to trying to take care of the CG and not placing ourselves first?
      It is a lonely place to be. I wish for him to be his old self again because I want a companion. **** I would settle for a friend. If he has not trash talked me to our friends, I have shut the rest out…so there are not alot left to choose from. This sucks.

    • #1764
      adele
      Participant

      Dear BB,
      Once again our struggles are leap-frogging. I don’t have much time, but I wanted to post this for you now.   
      Do not allow your spirit to die BB … I think I recognize that tone in your words …
      Remember:   The addiction to gamble ****** on us not knowing how to cope with it.   Break the cycle – you know how to do it!  If something isn’t working, do something different.   Stop running after the addiction and confront it head on without words.   Confuse and thwart its manipulation.   Bare your teeth and growl at it BB.
      I posted this on your thread back in June:  “What I do know is that you are amazing. I have witnessed you building up your self-esteem and confidence these last weeks. You have taken your own inventory and begun the difficult process of letting go of your anger and pain. You have redirected your energies and gotten busy doing things around your house – things you enjoy – things that are visible proof of your improving mental and emotional health.  These are the things that Velvet has told us will make a difference in how we cope with our husband’s bad behavior.”
      You are so much stronger than you feel right now – and how you feel is so much more important than comfort for the addiction.
      Our recovery must be kept foremost in our lives. We must focus our thoughts and energies on things that have nothing to do with the addiction so we can experience peace and fulfillment and thus regain our confidence and self-esteem.  This will allow us to not be part of the wreckage our CGs must deal with – and that is the best way we can support them in their recovery.
      Put your interests first. Call those friends you think you have shut out:   We all go through rough ***** – they’ll understand without needing to hear an explanation.
      Accepting the truth has been the hardest thing for me, but I believe doing so has cleared the path to my recovery.   If I may:    Stand back … quiet yourself … and let go BB.
      Your friend,
      Adele
       — 8/13/2013 8:11:32 PM: post edited by adele.

    • #1765
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear BB

      I have brought this thread up because I am not sure whether all your posts have moved across in the transfer of the site and I don’t want to lose you. It might be that you just haven’t posted since August in which case an update would be brilliant.

      I wont write more at the moment but I will wait in the hope that I hear from you soon.

      To post a reply in our new forum, please start by clicking on the purple box ‘reply’ in the last post you have received, it might be this one, another page will appear with only the last post showing. Write your post in the Comment box and click on ‘save’.

      Thinking about you

      V

    • #1766
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear BB

      I know you are in the thoughts of others, as well as me and I do hope we hear from you again.

      If you are having any problems adapting to the new site please either contact the helpline or read the topic at the top of this page entitled ‘groups’. The site is better and the groups are great but it is hard I know when you have got used to the old way sometimes to change.

      Just reply in the ‘comment’ box below and click save. We miss you.

      Velvet

    • #1767
      adele
      Participant

      Hey BB,

      How are you? I have no doubt you are still working on your recovery, but I don’t have any idea how to support you right now, and I suspect you still need that – I know I certainly do.

      I hope you are still reading here and that you let us hear from you soon. Never forget that you are not alone and that we care about you.

      Adele

    • #1768
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear BB

      If you are still reading, please update. Like so many others I wonder how you are

      V

    • #1769
      Anonymous
      Guest

      It has been a long time since I have updated…very long. Alot has happened…alot good…and some not so good.

      I will start with the good. My daughter is in her senior year and has been accepted into a great school and offered a partial scholarship, which will help with the costs. So we have been very busy with senior year activities. She is truly a lovely person and I know she will succeed at whatever she tackles. I am a very proud Mama. Also my financial mess is starting to work itself out. Through alot of faith and determination on my part I have finally gotten everyone (banks and mortgage company) to play nice and have a financial plan in place. It allows me to pay everyone off, and help with my daughter’s college expenses and live comfortably. That is a huge weight off of my shoulders. I did not realize how much of a weight it was until it was gone.

      My personal recovery is progressing well. I am not sure what “clicked” or what my turning point was, but I feel good about myself again and feel more like the old me maybe even a little better. I no longer allow his hurtful and negative attitude to drag me down. It is still very sad and hurtful, but no longer impacts how I feel about myself. Which is huge for me. I used to think, if the person who is supposed to be my partner and love me above all others, thinks that poorly of me what good am I. This thought process was a downward spiral that made me think more than once about my lack of self worth and suicide. Again I can not tell you what the turning point was, but his attitude towards me is a reflection of himself not me. So I have grown stronger personally and am much better equipped for whatever the future holds.

      Mr. BB has stopped gambling, I believe. The signs that used to be there are no longer present. Money is not disappearing and no one has shown up looking for payment. He could be getting more creative, but my instincts are telling me he’s not gambling. He has not gambled in 101 days . We should be proud of that.

      The bad…recovery for Mr. BB has not been all unicorns, rainbows and roses. Actually I can not even say he is in a full blown recovery. He may not be gambling, but he changes his addiction from one thing to the next. He can not do anything in moderation. He is now drinking and lying to me about it.

      He is not going to GA, he says it made him think more about gambling instead of how to deal with it. I don’t know. I am not an addict and I have no idea if there is any truth to that statement.

      I do know I am done babysitting him. I caught him in a lie Saturday about drinking and was saddened by it more than anything. I told him he needs to decide how he want s to live his life. I need someone I can depend up, trust and respect. And unless he can tell me what steps he is going to take to make that happen I see no future with him. His irresponsible and selfish nature is going to cause serious harm to someone and I will not allow that to be my children.

      He has, successfully, in the past made me feel responsible in someway, or turned the argument around on me. Not anymore, because there is no more arguing. He either takes steps to embrace a healthy and responsible lifestyle or he cannot be part of this family. Typing it sounds harsh, but it is not fair to the kids or to myself to continue this kind of chaos.

      I also now recognize I can not make him better. I can not force it. I can not wish it. I can not hold his hand and point him the right direction. If a full recovery is to be had, it has to be him who finds it and initiates it or something else will crop up to take the latest addictions place, until he comes full circle or self-destructs. I pray he finds the strength to get better for himself, so he can be the man I know he wants to be. It is very difficult to let go but the only way we have any chance of being a family is to let go now so he has to find his own way.

      I have not posted in some time because I was running from this disease as well, I was also in some state of denial. I thought once the gambling stopped it was over, but that is not the case. And that has been a painful discovery. I even stopped going to GA for awhile because I yearned for the feeling of normalcy and thought hiding could grant that. I was tired of the fight to keep him on the straight and narrow. Realizing that fight is not mine was huge; now the process of letting go is my battle and road to recovery.

      I think I can say my recovery is doing well. I have alot of growth and relearning to do about myself. I am not the same person I was three years ago….stronger in some respects and more fragile in others. But there is hope.

    • #1770
      jenny46
      Participant

      I cannot believe the amount of ‘light bulb’ moments that you have had and what a benefit they will be to you and to him for that matter.

      The day we realise that there is no more we can do and in fact we have done to much to our own detriment. The day we truly believe that other people have to sort themselves and it is not for us to be responsible for the actions of others allows us to let go of so much.

      It is one thing to be told that it is not our fight, our fault or that there is nothing wrong with us and to know it. It is quite another for us to truly believe it ! It is definitely another to really feel it.

      Well done BB now you will look at your life with fresh and sharper eyes. The smoke screens of the addiction will have a difficult job on their hands.

      I for one am looking forward to seeing you get stronger and yes 101 days is quite an achievement.

      To me BB his current behaviour just high lights the need for his on going support of one form or another instead of resorting to other destructive ways of coping but – you can lead a horse to water and all that.

      Jenny x

    • #1771
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear BB
      You lit up my room when I read your post.
      Once F&F enter a true and healthy recovery there is no need to look back apart from for ‘reference only’. I believe you will go on to use your experience in all walks of your life and I am so happy for you.
      You are no longer wreckage from your husband’s gambling addiction and I am sure that will give you the strength to cope with his drinking and to make informed decisions now that ‘your’ mind is not clouded by his addiction. I certainly believe your strength will help him.
      I think all F&F who love CGs pray for the gambling to stop believing that, that is an end in itself and in a way it is – the gambling has to stop to allow the distortions to be tipped out of a brain clouded by addiction. It is important that the massive void that must occur is filled with things that are good but sadly that is not always the case.
      Your husband has hopefully been enjoying a gamble-free time and that freedom is something that he can bring to mind when he next reflects on his behaviour. For you – the freedom you have felt as the responsibility of his addiction has dropped from your shoulders will not be forgotten by you and that is what will drive you on. Everything that you have said is right for the right reasons. You are a tower of strength.
      I am not the same person I was 7 years ago and I will not be that person again. The relearning is fun and the light bulb moments take away the shadows in the fragile areas. I am still growing and learning and I will never cease to be childlike in my joy at reading another member pass through that dark tunnel.
      It is possible to ‘accept’ and feel normal – it is right and proper that you do.
      I am so pleased you returned to update – I salute your courage and wish you well.
      Post for as long as you want to do so – you will always be heard.
      V

    • #1772
      Anonymous
      Guest

      I think GA for F&F and this forum is still important for me. It provides the reminder and encouragement after an upset or disappointment, and keeps my head out of the sand and in reality. Like I said in the prior post, I am relearning.

      After a discouraging argument/discussion last night, I have to remind myself to let go and let him go his way. There is equal freedom in this for me. I have every right to set ground rules around the kids and he has every right to make the wrong decisions for himself. I also have the right to make decisions for me that benefit me. Not worrying about how a decision will affect him is kind of nice. I am no longer keeping a limited amount of money on his card. I told him I did not like being responsible for his money and repayment of his bills so I was no longer doing it. I am only taking an agreed upon portion from his account to help pay for the house, utilities, groceries etc and he is responsible for how he spends the rest including the debts he owes. This ensures everything that is relative to me and the kids is taken care of; and he is in charge of his own mess. I am curious to see how he will handle it; this is a new change within this past week.

      He is also taking a trip to see his sister this weekend and I was informed with or without me. I will admit his attitude bothers me, but I will not be intimidated into doing something that is not good timing for me. So I told him I would love to go to spend the time with him, but I had to see how much progress I made on the house and projects this week. I am having a graduation party for my daughter and there are a ton of things which have been let go around the house and I am now tackling. I do have the tendency to be too work oriented, but this is important to me, therefore a huge priority.

      I am not a person that puts herself first. So this different thought process of what do I want is new to me and a little uncomfortable. And oddly enough, Mr. BB, whether he knows it or not, is responsible for instigating my new putting me first attitude. If he can do it, why can’t I?

      My progress this is week is continuing to move forward without him, even though I have looked backward a couple times. It does feel good to cut out the stress that he can bring.

    • #1773
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Also…I am trying to catch up on how everyone has been doing. I have missed the sharing.

    • #1774
      alicyat824
      Participant

      Hi BB

      I have recently joined the gambling therapy community and I have caught myself up on your story and I have to say I am so proud of your accomplishments. It is so easy to see how strong you have been and how far you have come through your ordeal, I am glad to hear how well you are doing with your last update and I hope myself to be at the same level of confidence of my decisions related to my CG as you are.

      God bless and keep pushing through!
      Ali

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