3 June 2013 at 6:55 pm #1745
I don’t think there is a soul on this site CG or non-CG who would not recognise themselves in your post of 2nd June. You are wanting, as everybody on this site, is wanting – normal.
I do not for one second consider you a *****. Standing against this addiction is incredibly hard and I don’t think any one of us would not have understood the depth of your feelings. Don’t worry that you will become hard. I am still soft inside – I promise you.
You latest post is terrific and totally the message I am trying to convey. It is hard not to pussy-foot around when the message you are trying to give is blunt and painful but only when we really take it on board do we change. You are right – we cannot make a CG stop gambling. It is sad but many do pay lip service to GA but as long as he is going, there is always the hope that someone will say the words he ***** to hear. His addiction works on triggers and recoveries do too.
Perhaps you could ask him to put some of your worries to his fellow members to gauge their reaction. This I believe does a couple of things – it puts your message over to him and then I believe it is strengthened by the group backing your thoughts. CGs often read F&F on this site and I know it gives many of them pain but they are hearing what other people, rather than their particular loves ones, are saying. I have heard some say, they get more from reading F&F than anything else. We don’t write for them – they are anonymous and someone else’s loved ones – we are not trying to send a message and they know that. What we are doing, inadvertently, is backing up what ‘their’ loves ones have been trying to say.
Keep going with your thinking – I know it seems a massive hurdle but once you cross it the running is smoother.
9 June 2013 at 7:44 am #1746
I feel like a ***** a lot of the time too – especially when I’m with my family who know nothing about this mess and I feel like I’m pretending everything is fine as always with me when it’s not. I want us both to find a way to feel more genuinely fine, at least sometimes, whether or not our husbands recover.
I hope you have started strengthening the relationship with your kids and you are spending quality time with them. This would be so good for you all. And you surely know in your heart that they could never be better off with a different woman as their mother – you must not ever let this damned addiction convince you of that!!
I haven’t seen you post in awhile, so I suspect you are flip-flopping like me – but maybe things are going much better for you and you are putting your time and energy into your kids and other interests. I hope that is true and I’d love to hear about it if it is.
If not, I want to hear about that too girl.
Did you ever go to that Gamanon meeting? If so, what did you think?
Is your husband still going to the outpatient rehab on the 10th?
I hope you post soon and let us know how things are going.
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?" Adele9 June 2013 at 3:48 pm #1747AnonymousGuest
Part of the reason I have not been around is I have been very busy with work. The other is I am having a hard time moving forward. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I am afraid once I start moving forward I will leave my CG behind and loose my husband. As I type that I guess if that is what happens then that’s on him not me. I know where I need to be at and I like I said, am afraid that will cause my CG to pull away even more. I am getting better at eliminating arguments or stopping them before both of us are beyond understanding. I know he will not tell me what I want to hear (that he understands and loves me and will make us better…my fairy tale). I know it I just don’t like it. I am really struggling with feeling alone. That actually is the worst for me.
I am spending more time with the kids. Especially my 13 year old. The 17 year old is busy with friends and grad parties, basically being a normal 17 year old. I finally made the decision to tell them about the addiction. For two reasons, one being that I needed to make sure they were not leaving money ****** around and they were not giving him any money. How sad that he has sunk so low as to ***** from the kids. Two I wanted them to know the problem between us. He has changed in personality so drastically that I wanted them to know it wasn’t because of them or me. I wanted them to know that the addiction was altering his judgement and thoughts, to not take it personally. My 17 year old seemed to understand; my 13 year old was angry and is doing better at understanding as much as you can.
He still has an appointment tomorrow and says he is going. I do not think I will go with. We have had a rough weekend; he dropped the **** on me that he owed two people he works with money. I am so sick of the surprises. Even though I try to focus on me, it seems like the addiction knows this and tries to pull you back in. I told him if he owed people money I could write a check to them directly with gambling debt in the memo or they could come and get the money from me. I wasn’t giving him cash. So one individual came over after work to get the money. I still don’t know if it was legitimate. I was so angry and frustrated…when will this end. I feel like in those instances I do turn into the crazy lady. On top of that I resigned as president of an organization. I had access to the organization’s funds which he took advantage of. So I replaced the cash and resigned. I could not run the risk of it happening again. Honestly I was overwhelmed with work, home, CG and this organization, so I probably should have resigned sooner, but it still stinks.
I also have RA (rheumatoid arthritis) and I have my first doctor’s appointment this Thursday. I am doing a serious sticking my head in the sand and do not want to deal with this. It’s one other thing that I have to take care of and process. And I am fresh out of processing ability. I have not really talked to him about it. I mean what’s the point I’ll be supporting myself (which I have not been doing well).
So all of the above lead to the perfect storm on Saturday when he told me he owed guys money. I turned into the crazy lady. I myself do not know how to deal with it so she kicks in and she doesn’t hold much back. He ended up leaving which was probably best. I wish I could leave just walk away from the problems.
On a positive note I am doing a massive overhaul on the garage. You could have gotten lost in that place…I like to do wood working and there was odds and ends, salvaged stuff I picked up along the way. So it’s now in the process of getting organized. That will be a small accomplishment.
Adele I will take the time to catch up with you this evening. I had a few minutes and wanted to journal.
BB9 June 2013 at 4:23 pm #1748
BB – I can save you some time catching up with me … I was the "crazy lady" Friday night. ‘Nuff said? ha..
I am on my iPad, but I’m going to boot up my laptop (so I can type faster) and go into the Unmoderated Chat Room. I will stay there for awhile if you read this in the next little bit and want to jump in and chat. If not, I will post more later.
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there’s nothing there?" Adele– 6/9/2013 11:31:13 PM: post edited by adele.9 June 2013 at 11:48 pm #1749
While I was in the Unmoderated Chat Room today waiting to see if you saw my post about going there to visit, I met and chatted at length with another member who is a CG in recovery.
It was a very eye-opening conversation and I left feeling somewhat encouraged to work harder on my recovery and to be more patient with my husband’s recovery. He reminded me several ***** that I cannot make my CG stop gambling. I hope when you are up to it you will read about it on my thread.
I am so sorry to hear that you have RA. One thing I know well about this disease is that stress can cause it to flare up – so it is more important than ever that you start taking care of yourself. You certainly cannot “stick your head in the sand” about this.
You mentioned you’re feeling alone … I’m sure you know that all of us here understand what you mean, but I think you need someone to talk to – a friend or relative you can trust with your secret. Although to be honest, even though my best friend knows about the gambling, there is only so much she can understand, and I am not always up to explaining the addiction to her before I just talk about it with her. But the couple of ***** that I have, I felt a good deal lighter afterwards, so talking helps just like posting here does.
BB, any time you want to chat in the Unmoderated Chat Room, just post a note on my thread with a time that you can be there that day, and if I can (and my head isn’t reeling over something), I will meet you there at that time.
I have to tell you, the way you handled paying the money back that your husband’s co-worker loaned him was, I think, brilliant. If that guy loans your husband money again, then he is a FOOL – and, in my opinion, does not deserve to get his money back from you! If I decide to start paying on my husband’s debts, I hope I can come up with a similar “message” to go along with the payment.
Also, you didn’t ask, but I think you have absolutely made the right decision in telling your children about your husband’s addiction, and for exactly the right reasons. I’m sure it took a lot of courage. I hope this helps you to realize that you really are stronger than you think.
So, on a lighter note – are you a “Do-It-Yourselfer” like me? The wood working and your garage sounds oddly familiar to me …. He he..
Keep posting BB, don’t let this stuff “fester in your head” as Velvet says – we’re listening ….
"… should I give up or should I just keep trying to run after you when there's nothing there?" Adele– 6/10/2013 6:04:39 PM: post edited by adele.11 June 2013 at 3:33 pm #1750
I love the idea of you wood-working and hopefully getting engrossed in something that keeps the crazy thoughts at bay. I have also been the crazy woman and I am really pleased to tell you that when you are no longer in the shadow of the addiction, sanity returns and the crazy woman disappears – never to return. When you have gained knowledge about what has hurt you and realised that you have the key to your own recovery, you can retake control of your own life and this is good for you, your children and your husband.
I don’t know what your outcome will be but I do know that hundreds of members have passed through this forum and gone on to lives that are not controlled by the addiction of another. Success, in this forum, is the non-CG living their life free of the addiction and I have seen it over and over.
Being organised is far from a small accomplishment. Crazy people cannot get organised – I know.
It is a sad fact that the addiction will not allow the non-CG to stick their head in the sand for long – it is too demanding. Please keep looking after you, put you first and your children will have a wonderful role model. The more you look after you, the stronger you will be and the more you will be able to cope.
Keep posting – when ‘you’ want to and please tell us what you have created out of odds and ends – I am really impractical when it comes to wood – you have a gift and hopefully it is going to take your forward mentally while I hope your doctor can bring you relief physically.
12 June 2013 at 5:30 pm #1751AnonymousGuest
I have not created anything new, but, the dork that I am, I have enjoyed admiring my clean and organized garage!
We met with the counselor on Monday. It was pretty basic trying to get a feel for his personal background, what her past and current gambling habits are, current **** and temperment. I was very surprised that he wanted me present for everything. I had not planned on going in with him but he wanted me to hear what he said. It was uncomfortable at ***** and for the most part I tried to keep quiet, this was his deal not mine. She did ask me what we wanted out of this or what each of us wanted to accomplish. Our answers were pretty much the same, to take our lives back. He did gloss over some answers especially when it came to how he feels. There’s a surprise a man that doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. I some***** wonder though if he believes the way he acts and is, is all life is meant to be. He can be snippy at *****, lack of energy, no motivation, just seems lost. I hope he doesn’t think this is all there is to life, I hope he can have faith there is something more. So now we wait for a call back and referral; should be this week.
I am feeling better. I am trying to lead by example in a positive way instead of being mad. My initial concern was if I began moving forward would the distance between us grow or would he eventually catch up with me? I am having glimmers of hope that as I make progress with myself and begin to tackle projects and complete them he will eventually follow. He is currently on his four days off and he’s been struggling, he admitted it to me. He has been trying to keep himself busy but I think he is having a hard time getting himself motivated. I haven’t criticized that, just told him it would come when he was ready. He then commented well look at what you accomplished with the garage. You did that by yourself. Soooo I thought it was positive that he noticed what I was doing. Maybe he will, when he’s ready, have a positive change in attitude and think constructively not de-constructively. He wants it because he’s noticed.
The past couple days I know he has been having urges. We call wanting to gamble urges. But as far as I know he has fought those and succeeded so far. It has had me sitting on pins and needles at work as I pray he can stay strong. I have been finding reasons to call periodically just to make sure he is doing ok. I have to say today is really shakey, I am worried.
I heard an awesome saying last night, that I want to paint on something and hang up in our house. “What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?” I love that.
And how do I get my posts to format nicely???12 June 2013 at 8:44 pm #1752nomore 56Participant
Hi BB, I have struggled with the formatting forever. Do you happen to use a Mac? I do and so I told myself why don’t you try another browser instead of google chrome? Chose firefox and what do you know, it shows a little tool bar for bolding and such. Haven’t tried it yet myself but it might work for you? Hope it helps…:)1 July 2013 at 8:02 pm #1753AnonymousGuest
Well it’s been a week since I last posted. I have so much to say I’m sure I will miss something and gloss over other points. I missed posting but honestly I have not been ready to until now. I feel like I have messed everything up and I don’t know where to go to from here.
To start with he had been gone for two days when I had to cart my cranky self to the Urgent Care (in our area that’s like the ER but for smaller issues). I had been not feeling well, more than flu like symptoms, but didn’t want to go to the doctor because I wanted to save money. Well that intelligent idea ended up costing me more money. A trip to the urgent care, IV antibiotic drip, and antibiotic…that will be $550 please. To top it off I was so sick by that point, that they called my emergency contact (guess who that is..).to come and get me. He was freaking out feeling guilty etc etc. I knew I could have taken care of myself but it was a whole lot easier to have someone to help and I wasn’t calling my parents because then I would have to explain why my husband wasn’t there and I had shipped the kids off until I could sanitize the house. No, I had not told my parents. I did not want to hear their negativity or comments. So he slept on our couch, I wouldn’t let him stay in the spare bedroom. He was awesome. It was almost like it was before. He was so open. Told me things I had no clue about; really I felt was honest for the first time. Making some jokes about some of the stuff he told me but also getting quite emotional. I thought getting sick was the best thing that could have happened.
I have been up and about since Thursday and he is still at the house. We have been enjoying a calm period, a pretty honest period for us. I was starting to open back up and he was responding well. I felt like I was not having to screen every word that came out of his mouth looking for a hidden meaning. It was nice.
On Sunday I was using his computer to check my work email because mine was having software downloaded on it. My intention was not to snoop. I started to type the address for my email provider in the web bar and some of the history popped up. One line caught my attention…a keez.com. It’s a **** sight. The son of b#$%&. Really? Really?! I mean has he not done enough damage to me? I confronted him about it and it was like travelling back to the beginning of this whole **** mess. Same style of argument, same frustrations. Except it’s worse.
When I found out about the gambling I never blamed myself, never felt like I was the cause of it. I wanted to help him and fix him, but I have gotten past that. This, the ****, I take very personally. Why did he have to go there? Am I not enough? I mean our *** life sucks so is this it for him. Some woman on the screen who is ****** it beyond reason. Is that what does it for him. The son of a b#$%@.
I saw where the argument was going and I just walked away. He would only *** and try to place blame on me. I wasn’t giving him that.
I want nothing to do with him. I don’t know if I am blowing this out of proportion. I know I am not ok with him hiding the **** or him watching the **** by himself period. I personally have always though **** was silly.
Even though we never had the official conversation of him coming back in the house, he’s there. I never should have accepted his offer of help. Never should have let him come back. Because now I do not know where to go from here. I have a gam anon meeting tonight and honestly I’m not in the **** to go. I know they will know it’s been a ****** week and will want me to share. I know I don’t have to. I would just rather be by myself.
I will write more later. I have to get scooting. So right now everything is a mess because of some chicks on the internet ****** a ******…and my weak attitude and allowing him back.1 July 2013 at 10:34 pm #1754
I haven’t got long tonight and I have written on Adele’s thread that I would address the issue of **** that is being mentioned on so many threads. I feel that I need to speak about it a bit quicker in view of your latest post.
Why ****? When addiction fills the head of a CG they feel worthless. The addiction to gamble is failure driven and failure affects every aspect of the CG’s life. A CG can feel emasculated by his addiction and **** is a way to feel better – a way to prove, in secret, that certain parts still work and that they are still men.
You said your *** life sucked and it is very likely that your husband was unable to show you a loving ***ual act because his mind was full of gambling – he was unable to feel love as it should be felt. It is the reason that many non-CGs think their loved ones have mistresses and then find out that it is the addiction to gamble that is the mistress – the thing that has taken their loved one away.
I am sorry that I am bolting this off but I have a sense of urgency from your post – I would like to have dealt with this with more consideration, Please do not take this personally. It is highly likely that your husband will not be able to explain to you why he has watched ****. ‘You’ have not failed but he thinks that he has.
I have known CGs who have gone with other women, women they did not love because it relieved them. It is easier to have *** with someone they do not care for than to show love with the person they love and who loves them.
I am not making excuses BB. I personally loathe ****. I have learned to understand from a few CGs that their addiction caused them problems in bed with the person they love. I believe what I have heard to be true and I believe that in control of an addiction a man can show love in bed.
There is post in ‘My Journal’ which I hope will help you but I need time to remember where I saw it.
You are not weak. You ‘are’ enough. The addiction strips away all that is good. It seems you have seen the man you loved in the last few days and I am so sorry that this latest blow has hit you so hard.
I really do have to go. Please ask me anything you want to ask. Pop into the group or contact the help-line for one-to-one.
I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me I would talk to him – he might be too ashamed to open up or he might he relieved to talk. Whatever happens look after you.
2 July 2013 at 8:27 pm #1755AnonymousGuest
I talked to him about it and the conversation pretty much went like I thought it would. He said he did not know why he did it. During the whole conversation he was angry, defensive and totally uncaring to how it made me feel. The logical part knew this is how it would go and really was not phased. The emotional part took another hit. I know in my gut I will be fine but I just wish the hating would stop. I really feel that he absolutely loathes me at *****. And it seems as though he is angry at anything that offers me help or comfort. He says he’s glad I have something to fall back on, but I get the feeling only on his terms. I am going to pull back to what I call my safe zone and just focus on me, the house and the kids. I need to realize he will not be there for me for a long time yet. Maybe if I get that pounded through my head the disappointments will not be so crushing. I can honestly say right now I hate him. I wish that would stop too…you shouldn’t hate your husband. It’s also amazing how well I can anticipate the ugly beast and recognize the ***** when he is ruled by the addiction. He might not have gambled but it is still there.2 July 2013 at 9:09 pm #1756jenny46Participant
Focusing on you and the kids is good. A safe zone is good. I am not sure why perving at **** is something that people don’t know why they do, but none the less I guess it can be a form of escapism for some. What comes across to me is the hurt and or resentment in the reception you get when you express your ***** or concerns to him, sometimes its easier and less painful to beat a retreat, leaving things unresolved only to have it raise its head at a later date.
I guess its not nice to hate your husband but then again its not nice to be on the receiving end of such treatment, and I am guessing the foul treatment came first and the dislike set in slowly and over time. I still believe recovery is possible but that it is not an abstinence of gambling or just that should I say. And for us it is not just about a lack of gambling in our lives, it is the recognition of the need to change some of the traits that grow up around the addiction and also our learning that we do not have to tolerate what can be dished out that we are worth a little bit more than that. Hopefully when both people change there can at some point be a meeting in the middle, new ways of being can emerge but can take time and loads of it.
Don’t beat yourself up, you will give you a bigger pounding than he can ever give you. Use your support networks to the hilt and look after you.
JennyWe see things not as they are, but through how we are today x3 July 2013 at 9:47 am #1757
I think following your latest post and Jenny’s reply there is little I will add to what I was writing before.
Your safe zone sounds the place that is right for you to be.
Why should you not hate the person that is hurting you so much? Don’t expect too much of yourself – you are human and you are in pain. The hating will stop in time.
The post I was looking for seems superfluous in view of the way you feel. I can’t find it anyway and maybe it wouldn’t have helped but I will give you the gist of it. just in case. It was written by a CG who is living now in control of his addiction and able to love his life and his wife. He struggled with guilt that on his wedding day he had allowed his bride to walk down the aisle to him on what was, for her, the best day of her life but for him – it was one of the worst. His only thought was gambling.
He knows, now that he is in control of his addiction, that he can never put that day right and of course if he ever told her it would break her heart and she would probably feel she hated him.
What I am trying to say is that a person so full of addiction cannot show love because they cannot feel it – he will hate himself, far more than you ever could and because he hates himself, his addictive behaviour is his comfort zone.
Your husband has no self-esteem and no confidence – he is like a puppet pulled by the strings of a loveless addiction. He shows anger, defensiveness and lack of care – but the person he cares for least is himself. These are the traits of the addiction and when they are in full flood I think that withdrawing yourself, to protect yourself is the right thing for you to do.
On this forum those who love a CG are the people who need support – in my opinion, understanding to the best of our ability those who have hurt us helps us in our futures. It means we can see that it was not because of who we are that our loved one hurt us – it is because of an addiction that distorted their minds causing them to behave in the most appalling fashion BUT in a way that they would not behave if they were in control of their addiction.
He will be ashamed of the **** but instead of saying sorry he will fight because he has an addiction that makes him unable to see reason and logic. The **** does not lessen you as a person one iota.
Stay in your safe place until you are ready. Keep listening and learning and you will make the right informed decision.
9 July 2013 at 2:05 pm #1758sosadParticipant
Thank you for your kind words of support on my thread. I can hear your pain too, as well as despair in your writing. I know how difficult it is. I also hear a very strong woman and when you said you remembered enough of yourself to recognize what you will not tolerate for yourself or your children I think you made a declaration of how far you have come in a short time. Please don’t be hard on yourself for letting him back in the house. You are not weak. You love your husband – along with all the other feelings you are having – and navigating this incredibly difficult situation will inevitably bring many feelings, all of them to be expected I think.
I am still pretty fresh down this road myself, and I certainly don’t know what the answer is for anyone else, but I do know that it is true that focusing on yourself (not that I have that down yet really) is the best possible route as it is in coming to know yourself again that you will find your own answers. I tried so hard to figure out where my boundaries were in the face of what my partner was doing and as I learned about the addiction I tried and figure things out from his perspective as well hoping that the uncertain outcome will be the one I wanted and that my choices would support that hoped for outcome. And from all that I have experienced and read there is nothing more true than the fact that they will come to their own realization (or not) regardless of what we do…when they are truly ready to make a change they will make it no matter what is happening around them.
I’m so glad you have taken steps to protect yourself financiall and I think it’s amazing that you are seeing the addiction more clearly when it rears it’s head in conversations you are having with your husband as it does help in at least some small measure to not take things personally.
I hope you are feeling stronger this week and I am so glad you have found this site and all the support that is here for you.
xx11 August 2013 at 9:18 pm #1759AnonymousGuest
As of this past Tuesday it had been 32 days since my husband had gambled. Unfortunately he gave in and went to an internet cafe on Wednesday. For the first time I actually felt bad for him because he was so disgusted with himself. I know there is a cycle but it is starting to become a little different. After he gambles he usually is very apologetic towards me and I think is more upset because he feels like he let me down. This time he was upset because he broke 32 days of hard work…of feeling proud of himself. He is starting again with a new clean date. I am hoping even though we have a long road to go that we are both finally on the road to recovery.
Along with limiting money I am trying to limit his stress level. I am honest with him as to where we are at financially and how his dad is doing (his Dad has Alzheimer’s), however I try to buffer things. I know I can not do this forever, but stress is a trigger for him. Until he can better get a handle on himself and the gambling, this is the way it has to be.
I am more stressed because of that and it is affecting me. I am more short of temper especially at work but I am going to start running again that seems to help for whatever reason. That statement makes it sound like it’s easy but unfortunately I struggle and am trying to take everything a piece at a time. I keep focused on five(?) years down the road when we are a happy, “normal”, loving couple again.
I am afraid of becoming hard. I know Velvet touched on that a while ago, but more and more it is a worry of mine. I feel like I have to shut a portion of myself down in order to make it through the day. Don’t get me wrong things are getting better but some things are getting worse. The main thing is I feel I have less compassion. I hear someone complain and I just get impatient.
Bottom line…we are slowly working towards where we want to be. I am hoping the way he felt this past Wednesday will be a huge deterrent to gamble. Progress…we’re turtles…slow but sure.
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