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    • #42701
      i-did-it
      Participant

      I have just started week four of my recovery .
      I am on day 22.
      Despite the urges which have not yet gone away I have not gambled .
      I am so grateful for the kind encouragement I have received on this site .
      I could not do this alone.
      I really think ” this time” I will do it .

    • #42702
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Today I went grocery shopping – I didn’t go to my usual bargain supermarket and check for reduced food .
      Today I bought expensive food – and today I got the real taste of delicious food – it was so good – I cannot believe the difference .

      Today I bought good food because I am never depriving myself or my family again. Today I bought good food because I have the money I didn’t gamble .

      Today I also have had crazy urges .
      The are bouncing around my head like a ping pong ball – From Website to casino to lottery – from win to riches to how generous I can be.
      The impatience is starting again – a new kitchen later this year or a new kitchen now – I could win the money – my brain has tricked me too often – today I will wait!
      Today I have been burned often enough to know what the outcome will be .
      So why do the urges keep coming ?

    • #42703
      Raynor98k
      Participant

      Hi i-did-it,

      Congrats on day 22, that’s awesome! And good job on not giving into the urges, it’s pretty awesome what we can get with money we have from not gambling.

      Just remember as in life, good things take time. Humans naturally want things now. This is why the urges have not gone away. Your brain does a remarkable job at remembering the big wins and easy money, while at the same time tossing out all the more common memories of losing everything and despair. Great job so far, just keep talking to yourself when urges come. Really play it out in your head and let your brain know what will happen, because we all know what will happen. Keep it up and good luck.

      –Nick

    • #42704
      Monica1
      Participant

      Yes, on a big win one day of elation. On a big loss or gambling to 0 weeks of depression and suicidal feelings, self hatred, guilt, despair, creditors ringing and ringing, tearing hair out about making ends meet…
      I rest my case!

    • #42705
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Raynor and Monica,

      I have made it through the night and I know I won’t gamble .raynor you are so right – our brains do trick us – or the addicted part does .
      Monica what a reminder of what gambling really is – years of struggle and pain for a short lived and questionable pleasure .

      Yes today I am so happy I squashed those urges.
      Today I can face the day without regret and guilt .

      Week 4 – not bad !
      Thank you everyone for tyour support both on the forums and in chat .

    • #42706
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Hi i-did-it, You can do this! We have to get through the urges and thoughts! Remember, we are worth so much more than this awful addiction. I hope you are having a great day! You deserve it.

    • #42707
      i-did-it
      Participant

      U know Lizbeth I am having a really lonely day and wishing I could back and change so many choices I have made –
      But your post has lifted me !xx

    • #42708
      Monica1
      Participant

      So do I, would have been a different life. But what we do now and going forward is most important.

    • #42709
      i-did-it
      Participant

      You are so right Monica – I am having a yuk day – not sure why- just feel sad for no particular reason – I guess it’s some kind of withdrawal .
      I just want to take a week off and stay in bed with a hot water bottle …
      Or I guess I could get up and move …

    • #42710
      TTA
      Participant

      Hi IDI

      This is the best news I have heard all day! I have thought a couple of times about our chat last night and that you were finishing it hard and was hoping to catch up on chat shortly to catch up!

      Your should be so so proud that you got through the night and did not give in! You should remind yourself how much achievement that is all down to you!

      In the beginning I felt exactly the same and can relate to the feeling of just staying put and not doing anything. I forced myself to do something, anything. Taking my mind of things. I found even small things like hoovering the house made my mind more positive.

      It will take time but every day is a fantastic achievement and it gets easier. Take every successful day as fuel to stop you resetting the clock!

      I know you can do! Keep going!

    • #42711
      TTA
      Participant

      Will be online again at 12 if your around. We be good to continue conversation

    • #42712
      finding_laura
      Participant

      Just hen pecked out a post on my tablet and lost it! Wanted to say well done on not giving in to the urges! It’s tough but you did it! Do you use Pinterest? Maybe start pinning ideas for your new kitchen. It will take time to save but look at what you have accomplished already. Be proud, you worked hard at it. I arrived in Florida yesterday and spent a little time at the beach today. Going to enjoy some r&r! Take Care, Laura

    • #42713
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Laura for you post .
      It is so god to hear from you .
      How wonderful to lie on the beach in Florida !

      It is day 23 for me – I feel so tired and don’t want to go to work- this so becoming a recurring theme – unfortunately I haven’t left myself with much choice .
      So work it is .

    • #42714
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Day 23 over -urges still there but I haven’t gambled.
      I am realising just how much the gambling fantasy has helped me to escape dealing with life .

      When little things go wrong , when I feel overwhelmed , when I feel belittled – my immediate thoughts are of this huge win which will instantly stop all this discomfort in my life .

      That’s perhaps why judgmental posts were so detrimental to my recovery – this site is my main support – whether it is intended to be or not. I don’t mean posts which talk about barriers and the negative outcomes of gambling- I mean posts which judge me and my many shortcomings in various areas of my life which I was brave/ stupid enough to post about .

      I guess gambling has helped me to escape dealing with stuff and now without that escape I have no choice but face up to it.

      So the urges continue but strangely the determination not to gamble grows stronger too . I am starting to see the good life which lies in front of me. I am getting head space to think about what I really want.

      I am doing ok .

    • #42715
      Raynor98k
      Participant

      Hi i-did-it,

      Great job on your progress so far, really well done. I can relate to the belittling comments. We have done a lot in the past years that we regret, but please know that our decision making was high jacked by our bad habit.

      For some insight, my parents divorced when I was 6. My dad went on to re marry and basically moved on with his life and her kids, leaving me and my brother without a father. I attribute this to my negative subconscious thoughts about me not being good enough. While I do not say these things out loud, I do feel that way sometimes. These thoughts probably did not help me with gambling and most likely made it a form of escapism for me. I am currently changing my inner voice to a more positive version by conditioning my subconscious.

      Anyways, please do not feel guilty about the past. Everything that we have done has been necessary to get to where we are now. We now have a ton of wisdom because of it, and the future has never looked brighter for us. You will break this bad habit, and you will become whatever you wish to become. Stay strong and keep up the awesome work.

      –Nick

    • #42716
      TTA
      Participant

      Believe me you are doing more than ok!

      Reading your previous post was almost word for word exactly how I felt at that time. Everything you said is exactly how I felt which is encouraging for me and hopefully for you.

      Gambling was the world I went to when I wanted to escape my life, when the stress of various situations was too much and when I struggled to cope. Nothing else mattered when I entered that world, nothing at all. It inevitably ended up in making things worse and the cycle started again.

      The fact that you have recognised it and have shared it is fantastic.

      I say this because when I had these thoughts I was starting to accept and recognise what was happening. It was so hard because facing up to it and dealing with it never entered my mind and being honest with myself was harder than I could have imagined.

      Everyday I did not gamble and accepted who I was got easier and I definitely feel that everyday gamble free and facing the inevitable that I had run from for so long slowly made me a stronger person.

      Your doing it and it’s fantastic. The more honest I was with myself the clearer I thought, the more strength I felt,l. My self respect slowly started to come back and the embarrassment and shame started to fade.

      Keep going

    • #42717
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you TTA and Nick
      I guess we all have our own story to tell – it’s hard to pinpoint how any of us ended up where we did, but I do wish we hadn’t .
      We are good people who did not deserve this – I guess bad things happen to good people .

      Today I am not reflecting on the loss of money or time – but on the loss of opportunity .
      I watch as others enjoy the status and financial rewards of doing the role I could have had- if i had not been too distracted by gambling . I can blame others , I can say my face didn’t fit , I can play the victim- but my focus was elsewhere .
      Dragging myself to work after a night spent gambling is not the best way to “get ahead”.

      What’s left for me to do is pick up the pieces and glue them back together – th pieces of so many parts of my life , and perhaps after several coats of fresh paint they will be like new .

      Feeling regretful but aware

      Day 24

    • #42718
      Semaj
      Participant

      Hi I-did-it, congratulations on being clean for 4 weeks! I hope to be able to follow in your footsteps and finally stay clean and quit this disgusting habit. What you said in your previous post resonated with me. Part of the reason I started gambling was to get ahead in life and catch-up to my more successful peers. Little did i know i was setting myself up for a fall. I hope that, with time, I will be able to glue the pieces of my life back together as well.

    • #42719
      finding_laura
      Participant

      Holding ourselves up to the light and really doing some soul searching like you are doing is tough. And boy does it show the damage. Lost opportunities are a tough one. And it’s perfectly normal to feel sadness, regret, and maybe even a little anger at one’s self. But you are already focusing on the future, on making things better, IDI. You are a good soul. Gambling didn’t take away you generosity, your sweetness, your wit, not to mention so many other good qualities. You have the building blocks to succeed. You never know what the future holds. Many a historical masterpiece had to be put back together. It can be done 🙂 Have a good day!

    • #42720
      Raynor98k
      Participant

      Hi i-did-it,

      It can be hard to look back on everything and get down on yourself. I think the most important thing that you have to do when moving forward is that you have to forgive yourself. Understand that your mind and decision making ability was high jacked. This is not an excuse, but the truth.

      There will be plenty of more opportunities in your life time, in all aspects of your life. My favorite quote of all time is “luck is being prepared when opportunity presents itself”. I relate this to learning as much as we can, and working as hard and smart as possible. I think you have a great opportunity right now with helping people that really need it. To me, that is worth so much more to us than a big paycheck. Don’t get me wrong, money is important, but there are always good paying jobs out there. I try not to stress too much about money because it comes and goes constantly. If you set goals for yourself about where you want to be in a year, 5 years, 10 years, and make a plan, you will achieve them.

      I’m an advocate about self education, and I use Udemy a lot to learn anything really (that’s how I became a software developer). I do not have a degree, just an interest in building things. It is cheap to take these courses (only buy them when on sale), and they are taught by industry professionals. If you want to learn anything, they most likely have it.

      http://www.udemy.com

      Or you can just look things up on youtube :). Have a great day

      –Nick

    • #42721
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you everyone ,
      Will try get to post you all later- been incredibly busy.

      Day 25 – gambling thoughts still there but seem to be over powered by determination right now .

      Busy , stressed and a little overwhelmed – but not gambling.

      Getting close to four weeks .
      My thread is really helpful now -no longer dreading the responses or feeling I have to defend myself for my thoughts – I am just feeling supported and capable of sustaining this .
      Feeling grateful

    • #42722
      micky
      Participant

      Hi i-d-i well done on your 25 days, im on day 1 today , i’ll keep posting on my progress like you, 🙂 Micky.

    • #42723
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you mIcky – the days will build up quickly Micky .
      I am three days off four weeks .
      That’s not bad
      Urges come most days but I handle them .
      I find my thread so helpful nowadays –
      Full of support and encouragement .

      Tonight I am not doing groups – I find they are helpful to me – by so is sleep. My brain is settling and I know I need to prioritise rest , diet and exercise .
      I have never looks after myself – but I can change that –
      The simplest thing to change is to get more sleep !
      So nite nite all.

    • #42724
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Day 26
      Skipped groups last night and went to be earlier .
      I feel much better today after my extra sleep.

      I am aware I am feeling a little anxious today.

      I am a very resilient person. I realise today that this is not always a good thing.
      Very resilient people stick bad situations for far too long when they should have left years before. It is time for me to really look at my life and change the things which don’t make me feel 100% happy.
      A simple change I can start making right now is my health. Today I am going to become more aware of what I eat- the endless and mindless munching on chocolate , crisps etc has left me obese and unfit . I can start that change right now .

      Being gamble free clears my brain to think things through- not just gambling .

    • #42725
      micky
      Participant

      Being gamble free certainly does clear the brain and the decisions we make are so much easier , i too eat far to much chocolate and eat too many crisps etc .

    • #42726
      finding_laura
      Participant

      Good morning IDI,

      Your focus is where it needs to be. On you! Rest is tremendously important! Hopefully GT can put on a few early evening groups instead of all these ones that are on in the middle of the night! I spent yesterday having scans and tests. Meet with the surgeon today. A little shopping before we go. I’ve been dealing with more pain but managing. Warmth and sunshine is good. Having a good gamble free life 🙂 Watch out for the one month urges! Can be tough but I know you will get through. It’s our choice! I feel like I should be shaking pom poms lol rah rah go go. Thinking about you. Laura

    • #42727
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Micky it was another endless day of crisps and chocolate .
      Lol!
      I think like with stopping gambling I will have several false starts

    • #42728
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Laura .
      I am thinking about you too- and of course Monica .
      You both are having such a huge week.
      Hope you get good news at your appointment xx

    • #42729
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Day 27
      Having guests so up early before work to clean.
      Really need to be more organised.
      Still often had a quarter this much sleep when in action and survived.
      Almost four weeks completed- so much more achievable with the right support .
      Feeling grateful and happy.

    • #42730
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Thank you i-did-it for your supportive post! I can do this (job)! We are not gambling!!! That is the greatest gift we can give ourselves. I think you are doing great! Take care.

    • #42731
      Raynor98k
      Participant

      Hi i-did-it,

      Great job on making it this far. I know some days are harder than others, but the urges and thoughts will go away the more you stay away from it. You have done great so far and seem to be in the right mindset. Keep going!

      –Nick

    • #42732
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Nick an Lizbeth

      I am about to head out for the night with my friend – i have no new clothes to wear but I have been out so little I’m sure none will notice .

      When I get home I will be on day 28- that’s four full weeks!
      It has been so much easier this time .
      I have been getting really positive support and I hope I have been giving the same.

      Looking forward to starting week 5!

    • #42733
      micky
      Participant

      Hope your enjoyed your night out , and YES you without doubt give brilliant support, thank you 🙂

    • #42734
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Micky- I hope things are going well for you.

      Today is the start of week 5.
      I have had quite a party weekend and am feeling it today. I have had such fun, spent a fortune but I feel happy.

      I am a kinda shocked by how much I have spent – and yet the same amount would have lasted minutes if I was gambling – I wonder when will I stop comparing everything to gambling?

      …and yes the buzz was much better than gambling

    • #42735
      finding_laura
      Participant

      Beautiful! Glad you enjoyed your time out. I think that is when we really start to realize we can do this. When we start filling our time with things that we are enjoying and we actually are present and not wanting to be gambling instead. It’s like wow, I can build a life for me. And not live it for everyone else which makes us want to escape. Really happy for you. You deserve to spend realistic amounts on yourself and your happiness. Instead of throwing it away for a fix of numbness. I don’t compare everything to gambling all the time. But the reminder that I would waste so much says its ok to treat oneself. Starting week five. Gamble free 2018. Almost through January. All sorts of milestones. I will be back hopefully by weeks end even for a little. xo take care, Laura

    • #42736
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Day 30
      Don’t want to get up – want to stay in bed- but work calls.

      At least I am working for me now, not some casino.
      I am grateful I have health to work and the ability to earn a salary.

    • #42737
      micky
      Participant

      Hi i-d-i that one sentence says so much “At least i’m working for me and not some casino” . I really do like that , thanks.

    • #42738
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thanks Micky
      I feel strong in recovery but I also feel like posting an chatting less- in fairness I had an incredibly busy weekend , but in the past this has signalled the return of gambling. It happens slowly but it has always happened .
      So I guess I am going to have to force myself to post.
      I am incredibly tired after my crazy weekend, but it did give me a taste of what life could be like. Why should I not go into town to shop and have a glass of fizzy ? Life doesn’t have to be all about not gambling – it can be fun!
      If I can stay awake see u nice folks in group later .

    • #42740
      charles
      Moderator

      I always say that I go to work so that I can pay for the next holiday 🙂

    • #42741
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Jappy and Charles

      So I foolishly spent time last night trying to get around my blocker and my cancelled cards – how completely stupid – to gamble .
      Best thing I ever did was get rid of my own debit card – just got my husband’s now and he will get a text to approve any transaction. I cannot gamble online no matter how much I want to.
      When the flesh is weak it’s good to have a back up plan. I still have urges pretty much every day, but usually they are controllable .

      There used to be a lot of discussion on here about “real recovery “. I’m not sure t really matters whether it is “real” or “fake” – so long as I am not gambling and cannot gamble .
      I wish of course that the urges would go away and never come back –
      Today I don’t feel so good – the aftermath of an over indulgent weekend – the stress of feeling over-whelmed by life, so many things I feel responsible for – so many wrong decisions.

      Tonight my pay goes in – got a long weekend abroad to look forward to – I guess it is good – pay day used to fill me with excitement- the relief of having money after gambling the month before. Telling myself this month will be different when it never was.

      I have been gamble free for 2018- not always due to will power. I’m
      Not sure if it is possible but I am going to set my barriers even higher -I am going to continue to beat this horrible addiction. I am having my life back .
      Onward and upwards

    • #42742
      micky
      Participant

      Having your life back is a great thing i-d-i as you say onwards and upwards . Thank you for your post on my thread about lucky, means alot 🙂 M

    • #42743
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Micky
      I’m on day 32 – days building up nicely .
      Not much news – worked and slept

      Not feeling like posting so much but forcing myself – when I stop posting it usually signals a relapse is imminent – but access is limited.

      Hope everyone is doing well

    • #42744
      i-did-it
      Participant

      If I get through today I have had a gamble free January .
      Not free from urges or even weak attempts , but gamble free nonetheless.
      Roll on February !

    • #42745
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      You are almost there!

    • #42746
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I-did-it , I will have a gamble free January also. I’m not counting days anymore. Counting months works for me. Hopefully 2018 will be a gamble free year for both of us!!!

    • #42747
      micky
      Participant

      Well done on your free month i-d-i , and i’m sure there will be many more 🙂

    • #42748
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Lizbeth and Micky,
      I did it!
      I have had a gamble free January and February is a short month ! I can do it again.
      I have flu – I feel horrible – and I am the worse patient. I am too impatient for flu and I absolutely hate missing work- so hoping home remedies work.
      I have a fridge stocked with good food , have homemade soup in the pot and I am so happy that I don’t have a gambling hangover to add to my symptoms .
      Life is ok -I have plans , hopes and savings towards that long dreamed of kitchen. I am so sure it will happen I am going to start getting quotes – just so I have an idea of how long I have to save for .
      So here’s to a free February and to continued positive support !

    • #42749
      finding_laura
      Participant

      So very well done IDI! I had multiple surgeries on Monday the 29th. Resting and sleeping a lot. big ones to get over but i can do it. I may not be here much for the next week or so bu I am thinking of you all here and how you are getting along. You are doing this IDI. If it was easy we would have done it first time around. But look at how your efforts have changed the outcome. Higher barriers and bigger dreams. Feel better. Try not to be so hard on yourself! Love yourself! Laura

    • #42750
      micky
      Participant

      What a brilliant post, so positive , onwards and upwards as you have previously said , hope your over the flu soon .

    • #42751
      Monica1
      Participant

      We really are so alike. I am the worlds worst patient hence struggling so much these past few months. Fresh ginger, honey and lemon good for wiping it out.

    • #42752
      Raynor98k
      Participant

      Hi i-did-it,

      Congrats on your gamble free month, that’s awesome! Life just seems to get a lot better once we stop placing those bets. Here’s to many more months/years of a happy healthy life!

      –Nick

    • #42753
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I hope you are feeling better soon! Rest and take care.

    • #42754
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Monica ,Lizbeth and Nick.

      Five weeks today – start week 6 tomorrow

      The urges have died down except for the urge to do the lottery.
      The big win fantasies haven’t . I find myself thinking about the big win a lot – every time anything happens which makes me feel small – I want to escape , which I have realised is a lot of the time.

      My recovery is going well despite this – I find this is a safe space now and I can concentrate on recovery rather than defending myself . Makes me wonder could I have done this years ago ? I guess all of us could if some small factor was tweaked.

      My flu is getting better -or maybe it hasn’t really taken off yet. I think a variety of really good and diverse fruit, homemade soups and good food has made a huge difference – for anyone who says money cannot buy happiness – they have never been without money !

      Today I hope to drag myself to the hairdresser and get a long over due trim. My relationship with money is changing because in the past I would have had a colour and treatment also – and then bought a variety of really expensive products to go – mostly all on credit card ! Yeh I have been a fool!

      That’s about it for now – thank you for your posts – I really appreciate them .

    • #42755
      Monica1
      Participant

      The big win is also one of my triggers but mostly when I hear of others big wins which I did on the train back from Hereford. But the massive win in six figures which this person had all went back and more to the usual destruction. So any win in folks with this addiction coming from the gambling route is still not a win because it always triggers off the beast which does it’s destructive thing. I really don’t believe in controlled gambling via any route. A lottery ticket in the past triggered me to a full blown relapse over a short period of time, not immediately butover a couple of weeks.

      I just want to put gambling to bed and firmly in the past where it belongs. I have had a hard path to go down to really know this. Half this broken nation of ours are gambling and fuelling massive public health problems in the future.

      I agree with you about the money thing, doesn’t bring happiness just a better quality misery. Being without it as I have is awful when you know what will help things but dont have the dosh to get it. And when you can’t even afford to leave the house, life becomes Groundhog Day.

      Have a great haircut and I am glad you are feeling better. The 10pm groups have disappeared!

    • #42756
      finding_laura
      Participant

      I hope you have a fabulous trim that makes you feel amazing. I don’t know if there is such a thing as an active CG that has a healthy relationship with money. I was more extravagant when gambling because even though I wasn’t winning I was borrowing large sums of money that could cover those things! And some how that was supposed to make it all ok or add up! Warped gambling thinking. So a trim today, maybe that new colour next week. Look for sample products on line. Sometimes you can find some good items for nothing. Or buy an inexpensive facial mask or hydrator from the drug store. We need treat ourselves, we deserve it! But we have to do it in a realistic way that doesn’t sink the ship. Never deprive or punish though. You are doing GREAT things that should be rewarded. Thanks for the flowers xo And thanks for your never ending support. Have a great weekend. Laura

    • #42757
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Monica and Laura ,
      In the end I didn’t get my hair cut.
      In the end I never got out of bed today.
      I think I am hitting that funny part of withdrawal – or perhaps I feel I have nothing to get up for .
      The things that made my life feel important are being pulled from under me- and there is very little left behind.
      There really ain’t much good about getting older .

    • #42758
      Monica1
      Participant

      Welcome to my world of staying in bed as nothing to get up for! I am sensing something going on. What is being pulled from under you, and believe me when I say there is always something there.

    • #42759
      i-did-it
      Participant

      The is the start of week six – I dont think I have made it this far before , completely gamble free. Thank you everyone for the support .
      I have decided I need to start accepting that the situation I find myself in now , and many of the missed opportunities are my own fault.
      Shabbily dressed people who drag themselves to work after two hours sleep do not get promoted . Life has given me so many opportunities but I have never been in a place to take advantage of them- well not in the past decade. People who are distracted by debt and getting by do not look relaxed and confident in meetings.

      The thing is I do not need to be promoted – I need to be happy!
      Happiness is evading me right now . I need a life plan.

      So today I am up and washed – I am getting that hair cut and I am buying some new clothes . I want to do like the days of old and throw 500 worth of clothes on a card without a thought – but I can’t . It may not seem like much of a talent but nobody could build a capsule wardrobe like me! Lol! Today I am going to be all about the capsule wardrobe – navy I think ! ( omg I spend a day in bed and find my inner bimbo)

      I feel guilty about taking me time and yet no one even notices or cares if I am here . Today is about me ! Well most of it …

      Week six here I come .

    • #42760
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Monica – yes there is something going on – but I think I focus on the wrong priorities in life .

    • #42761
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I-did-it, Week 6-that’s amazing! Make today about you!!! You are deserving.

    • #42762
      micky
      Participant

      So true idi today and everyday is about you, that is why you are into week 6 , your doing it your way and it is working for YOU.

    • #42763
      Raynor98k
      Participant

      Hi i-did-it,

      6 weeks? Way to go! Everyday we don’t gamble, the casinos lose. That’s a pretty great feeling. I love the fact that I can’t go back to those places. I’ve decided that for the rest of my life, I am changing my family tree. There is a new family tradition of mine, and that involves not giving those vultures another red cent. They will get their’s someday, anyone who profits off of human weakness is scum.

      Sorry for the rant, just want to keep you fired up not to gamble, but it sounds like you’re doing a well enough job on your own. Keep it up and stay strong.

      –Nick

    • #42764
      alliesmum
      Participant

      6 weeks IDI? What an achievement!!
      When you started your journey you probably didn’t think it was possible to get this far but you have and you just have to keep pushing through! Good for you!!
      Sorry to hear you haven’t been feeling too great. Maybe it was the flu or maybe something else bothering you?
      Whatever it was don’t let it set you back.
      Great to see you are doing so well.
      Lots of love xxx

    • #42765
      Monica1
      Participant

      Hi idi, this has disappeared from the programme. I have asked for it to be reinstated in feedback. Could you do so too as it is just me at mo! Thanks.

    • #42766
      Monica1
      Participant

      Navy is my choice for workwear too and blue my favourite colour. Did you get anything. Girls makeover, not started mine yet but keen to hear how yours is going.

    • #42767
      alliesmum
      Participant

      Hi IDI thanks for the post on my thread 🙂
      I didn’t make it to group tonight as I started a night class last week and it runs on a Monday night in college.
      Maybe get a catch up soon?
      Would definitely like to hear of your past 6 weeks!
      Still feeling quite positive at the minute but I know the demons are lurking.. I think this time I more aware of that fact.
      Hope all is still good with you!
      Keep going!

    • #42768
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Micky, Lizbeth,Alliesmum, Monica, Nick and Micky.

      Week six is going well and I seem to be able to ignore my old triggers ( feeling put down). Thank you all so much for your support. I am that stage where I am losing ****** but I think it’s day 38.

      Your replies really help keep me motivated.
      Support which doesn’t build is up is not support- it is someone else’s ego trip! Please remember support should make you feel good about you!

      Nothing much to report- I still feel horrible – but not quite sick enough to take time off (don’t you hate when that happens? ).

      I bought some new clothes and felt nice yesterday. Mostly sale stuff but yes Monica I went for a navy base colour! I have three new looks for three days this week lol .
      It’s a strange thing I am discovering, or perhaps rediscovering but when you wake up and you have nice clothes- your first thoughts are about which of your nice clothes you should wear. Another thing – I have stopped biting my nails so also looking forward to a nice manicure in about a month.

      Little things which make us feel the benefit of not gambling .
      It going to be a good day .

    • #42769
      JayKay82
      Participant

      Well done IDI, i hope you can continue the trend. (and thanks for stopping in on my thread)

      I remember talking to a CG who is now a Councillor a few years back, and the one point he made was that when he quit gambling he now had money to spend on himself and his family. Its a nice feeling that you can have enough money to enjoy the fruits of hard labour instead of mindlessly throwing it away. Glad to hear you are doing well, stay positive and well done !

    • #42770
      micky
      Participant

      Re-discovering or discovering either or, it’s a great feeling isn’t it, which clothes? , new clothes? your benefiting from not doing you know what. 🙂

    • #42771
      Johnny B
      Participant

      I remember the first time we chatted how difficult it was for you to stop… I was very new at the time, but I knew there was hope.. I am recognizing that the positive strides you have made are starting to manifest themselves in other areas of your life.. For me, I know that the feeling of worthlessness is gone, and optimism has returned. And guess what, I like life like this way better than being sad and depressed about what I had done to myself…
      I know every day isn’t easy, but you are doing awesome! and are a shining example to anybody new on GT that thinks they cannot stop!
      I am sure we will cross paths in chat, and I am very happy life is smiling upon you!

    • #42772
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Johnny, Micky and JayKay,

      Today was one of those days .if could go wrong it went wrong.
      Today I wanted to win the lottery and escape .
      Today I didn’t do the lottery and today I didn’t gamble .

      Tonight looking back I had a much better day than I could have had because I didn’t gamble.

      Onwards and upwards

    • #42773
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Day 39.

      Incredibly stressed about stuff today . Woke up way too early – have had too little sleep. Just want to win the lottery .

      I am seeing an old pattern here – The idea that a big win will sort my life out.
      I am also noticing after several years, that now that I am not spending time defending my thoughts or my exploration of those thoughts , I am starting to become aware of triggers and how my feelings contribute towards urges to gamble.

      So today I want to skip work- but interestingly now that I have identified what caused the urge I no longer want to gamble.

      Feeling stressed and anxious

    • #42774
      micky
      Participant

      Feeling stressed and anxious and identifying the urge and not gambling just shows how far you have come in your recovery. Your doing it i-d-i 🙂

    • #42775
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Today the stress has lifted somewhat – a lot actually.
      I worked very late and got on top on several work issues .
      A minor miracle has happened in another area of my life .
      I think I can do this . I think I can sustain a huge stress for a few months that I find myself burdened with (sorry to be cryptic).
      I have so much to look forward to once this period is over.

      Onward and upwards
      Life is ok !

    • #42776
      Monica1
      Participant

      Up late again! Glad to hear the stress has lifted. You have been so cryptic about whatever it is that has been worrying you. I a,nswered the thread, about groups but my wi fi decided to comk out and it didn’t post. I agree 9 pm or 10pm as long as it occurs every day which it doesn’t at the moment according t9 the timetable.

    • #42777
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Monica for your post .
      I fell asleep on the sofa early last night and slept for hours .
      Couldn’t get back to sleep but exhausted today .

      Day 40- week six almost completed .

      I am finding the urges are less strong although still present .
      I don’t really have urges to play slots (I cannot believe how ridiculous they are) but to do the lottery.
      It’s the big win urge !

      I have a busy day ahead -small stirrings of anxiety – maybe that’s a permanent feature of my life now .

      Looking forward to the weekend.

    • #42778
      micky
      Participant

      You keep mentioning doing the lottery idi , i don’t think it’s hard compulsive gambling buying a ticket once a week , i buy a raffle ticket at the quiz night , i think a lottery ticket is £2 for one ticket. Not sure what percentage of non gamblers buy lottery tickets but it must be quite a few.

    • #42779
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Micky ,
      I guess I do keep mentioning the lottery .
      Buying a lottery ticket isn’t really that big a deal except for me it kinda does there following
      1. Keeps alive the idea of the big win which
      2. Removes my motivation to look after my money and save which
      3. Makes me feel flippant about money which
      4. Makes me think a small gamble won’t matter which
      5. Sends me back into a full blown relapse .

      For me , I think about the lottery such a lot but I don’t want to do it because it’s the thin edge of the thin edge of the wedge for me
      . Does that make sense ?

    • #42780
      charles
      Moderator

      IDI, you know my views on the lottery but they are worth a discussion. I will start a thread as it is something that comes up on many threads and in groups. Hopefully see you later in the groups.

    • #42781
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Charles
      Day 41
      Still have flu symptoms – this flu lasts a long time .
      Trying to soldier on- so happy it’s the weekend .

      I feel kinda left behind by life -like it’s all passed me by.
      I guess I am starting to feel old. I think when we feel unwell it quickly drags us down.
      I look back and wonder why I made the choices I did – in truth I went with the flow – I never made any real choices.

      Maybe now there is still time to make those choices – to live a life I chose rather than one I drifted into .

      Feeling pensive this morning – not exactly negative but not full of the joys ..
      Tomorrow week 6 will be completed – I think maybe this is one of my best attempts .

    • #42782
      micky
      Participant

      You answered that really well idi , good on you for thinking through all the reasons not to do it, hope your over the flu soon . 🙂

    • #42783
      i-did-it
      Participant

      So it’s past midnight which means I have completed week six.

      I have not gambled this year.

      It seemed impossible but with the right support it is very possible .

      I think the fact hat I am counting days and weeks shows that I don’t find it easy.
      Sometimes I feel anxious possibly because I have no escape now.
      Interestingly I have lost some weight – I think this is because I am buying high quality food so I don’t have to eat lots of it to get nourishment so my body is not always craving something else .
      Life is pretty good – I go abroad next weekend for a short break. I can just about afford it .

      I miss the regulars like Laura and Kathryn and send them both hugs and best wishes .

      Nite all.

    • #42784
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Had a long lie in today .
      My flu needs its sleep and I do feel so much better !

      I feel anxious because I feel overwhelmed – in truth by circumstances outside my control but which still impact greatly on me .

      Today I can control only what I can control so today is all about house work and nice meals.

      Interestingly , since I have started buying really good quality food I wake up and think about the lovely tasty meal I will be having rather than having chocolate with my morning coffee.

      How little did I care about me to develop such appalling eating habits ?
      I could spend £500 on a night ‘s gambling and then buy the cheapest cuts of meat! I don’t think I will ever eat a pork chop again.

      My thinking about self care is totally warped but getting there.

      I go away next weekend and I have decided to buy new Pyjamas for the trip .
      Night wear has been old t shirts and horrible Xmas gifts for the last decade . Having nice nightwear is kinda a really big deal for me – no one will see it but I will know that I am worth it ! Anyone else understand what I mean?

      Urges still strong – the lottery is there in my thoughts all the time -as much as slot machines ever were .

      Onwards and upwards !

    • #42785
      micky
      Participant

      Cheap cuts of meat, ( now meat you would like :)) Nightwear of your choice 🙂 and your not gambling, simple things are the best , onwards and upwards 🙂

    • #42786
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you for your post Micky
      Day 43 – the start of week 7.

      I have learned a lesson yesterday .
      I think it demonstrates my increasing self esteem that I am no longer prepared to offer friendship, support or help when it is not mutual.

      I have so many people in my life who would drop everything for me if I needed them to – why do I still waste my time on some people who only take ?
      The take time, energy and happiness – life suckers.

      On a positive note I have my long weekend away in three days.
      I am doing this – and I realise that not having the wrong “support” in my life is just as important as having the right support.

      Onwards and upwards!

    • #42787
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      Hi I-did-it. You are doing well on your gamble free time! I find if I buy myself a little something, it boosts my spirits. Buy a new nightgown! Have fun on your get away.

    • #42788
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Lisbeth,
      You are so right ! Shopping is the best .
      This is how my thinking is now .
      I have a home that needs thousands spent on it .
      I have so little money and it seems everyone’s priorities in terms of money are being met except mine – I need a decent home not another trip !

      I have also had a reality check – even though I believed that I have not got myself into too much difficulty , now that I can face it , I realise that I have 5500 on credit cards since last summer . This needs to be paid – and while my over all debts have come down by a huge amount it seems I have been in denial about my actual debt amount . My credit is shot so I cannot get money on lower interest to pay this .
      I am going To ring them and arrange yet another repayment plan if I can .
      I won’t have a credit card but in truth I think I am unfit ever to hold a credit card.
      Being accepted for a credit card and having it arrive in the post gives me exactly the same feeling as walking into a casino and sitting at a machine – the anticipation , the buzz- it is like money for nothing.

      So I will treat myself to something as you suggest Lizbeth – but I feel I have put myself into such a corner .

      My options at this stage are not my choices .
      I will have to get employment which pays more , or take on extra work, or accept my circumstances .

      I have been thinking a lot
      Things I want in my life :

      – I want to move closer to my family .
      I’m not sure this will ever happen.

      -I want a decent home after all my years of work

      – I want peace in my mind and in my heart

      – I want my child to be happy

      – I don’t want to feel I am living someone else’s life which has been untruthfully imposed upon me.

      – I want to have the motivation to make things happen.

      – I want to stop feeling overwhelmed

      – I want to stop feeling lonely and lost

      I sound so miserable – withdrawal is no fun!

    • #42789
      micky
      Participant

      Hi idi thats a long list, only you can make alot of those things happen, you will get all of those things in time by doing what your doing now. We all feel miserable and down from time to time so thats normal. Onwards and upwards one day at a time. 🙂

    • #42791
      Monica1
      Participant

      Hi idi,
      My list would probably read exactly the same as yours. I am going to write a list of things for the home which I have neglected for many years. Motivation is a huge issue for us in recovery. I just don’t know where it has disappeared to. I think I am going to focus on motivation in my counselling session this week.

    • #42792
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank u everyone .
      Just time to say day 44.
      Onwards and upwards !

    • #42793
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      44 days gamble free! Impressive! Your list is achievable. I think we as women put ourselves last on the list. I feel like our happiness should be on the top of the list. If we are happy, other things fall into place. I-did-it, may credit is shot also. My debt repayment plan will be repayed in 2 years. I cut up all my credit cards. I only have a debit/visa card. Any loans or credit cards would have a hefty interest rate. I refuse to do that. I think that I am unfit to have a credit card also. Buying yourself a little something now and then is alright. Use cash! I do like your list though as it give you goals!!! Keep going.

    • #42794
      finding_laura
      Participant

      Congratulations on 44 days I did it!

      don’t we wall wish we wouldn’t have gambled ourselves into our current predicaments. I should have had enough investments to pay for my surgery. Instead I had to borrow. But I did rebuild my credit enough to borrow it so things did improve I guess. Just stopping by! Keep going. If we don’t stay in recovery we just create new denials. The gambling mess never gets cleaned up and the wish list is never fulfilled. And you deserve it! Laura xo

    • #42795
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Lizbeth and Laura
      Day 45

      Feeling very anxious – kinda extreme .

    • #42796
      Raynor98k
      Participant

      Hi i-did-it,

      Great work on staying away from gambling for this long. Remember, these feelings are just part of the recovery process, they will weaken in time. Any type of addiction does take a while to cleanse because those connections are so incredibly strong in our brain. The more you say no, the weaker they get, and then new connections will form based on new activities you pursue. This is why I say it is incredibly important for a lifestyle change when breaking an addiction, but it sounds like you are doing okay there. I have taken up exercise and reading, and it is pretty amazing. For the longest time, I had no idea what I wanted to be. I just knew that I really enjoyed learning about a bunch of topics. I guess this is why I took up reading so easily. Instead of wasting money on gambling and being secretive, I took my girlfriend out for dinner this weekend and bought us some books after. Felt pretty good. Stay strong and hang in there, these feeling will pass.

      –Nick

    • #42797
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Nick

      Sorry to those I should have posted.
      I have extreme anxiety and cannot seem to find the head space to post.

      A decision I don’t want to take is being forced upon me.
      I have to do the right thing but the right thing isn’t always black and white. Can you do the right and wrong thing at the same time? I guess the anxiety I am feeling will eventually be the decider .
      Day 46- only thoughts of gambling is the usual lottery.
      I look back and wonder how I ever threw so much into slot machines .
      I wonder can anxiety kill you?
      It seems when one area of your life is really good , another falls apart .

    • #42798
      Monica1
      Participant

      I have just posted about how emotions that are not released and are trapped in the body can cause illness. The anxiety you are feeling is clearly related to the issue, and will stop once you are clear on what is the best thing to do and act on it. yes, you can do the wrong thing and right thing at the same time but look at the options and the impacts. How do you feel about it? If,forced to make a decision by another do you ha e to make it, or is it just pressure from someone when you don’t feel ready to decide? What is the great urgency? Can you compromise?
      When you don’t know what to do or which way to turn, giveit to God. I do this before I speak to the bailiffs and all these committal to prison things. For all my rantings, I still believe, and I have been helped, I know it. You will come to the right decision idi cos you are smart and wise but don’t be bullied into making a decision you are not yet ready to make. Lots of love, as always dear friend.

    • #42799
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Monica

      You are right – once the decision is made it will reduce the stress. It is made – I don’t like the decision but sometimes in life we don’t relay have a choice . We have to do the right thing .
      Today is day 47.
      Still thinking about the lottery lol.

      I have absolutely no desire to play slots – it just seems so silly .
      I think it is Nick who has written about brain connections becoming weaker and I think that is happening .

      I go away on a weekend break today – I will see a new country, a new way of life – already I find myself wondering if I win the lottery there will I be able to claim it as a non citizen.
      How’s that for crazy thinking ?

      I am
      Blessed to have this opportunity and I am going to make the most of it .
      Hope everyone has a really great day

    • #42800
      micky
      Participant

      Hi idi i think in the past i over elaborated on things also, i made a decision the other week where what was happening was my heart was ruling my head. Once i stopped this and made the decision although i was still feeling guilty about it the right thing to do was done. Hope you have a lovely break away, you deserve it. 🙂

    • #42801
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Micky

      Today is day 48- that’s six weeks completed tomorrow .

      Not much to report
      Nice hotel, family happy, beautiful place .

      Onwards and upwards !

    • #42802
      Monica1
      Participant

      Thanks for your post on my thread idi. I hop you have a lovely break. I personally love Scandinavian food. Let us know what you get up to over there!

    • #42803
      finding_laura
      Participant

      it sounds good so far!

      Please correct my math. 7 days x 7 weeks is 49 days. Would that make seven weeks completed tomorrow? Enjoy the rewards, and the counting really takes care of itself whether it’s 6 weeks or 7. We are all one bet away from day one. But it’s nice to know that you kept a promise to yourself for that many days.

      Hope you get good weather for your time away.

      Laura

    • #42804
      micky
      Participant

      Hi idi ive been playing badminton for about 9 months now , some weeks i can’t play because i’m at work . I’ve just started tennis lessons so that is new though . Hope your enjoying your break . 🙂

    • #42805
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank u everyone
      lol Laura – I think maybe wine and maths don’t mix .
      Seven weeks – wow I feel super !
      Micky I have started tennis – one day I will beat u in a game
      Lol .
      Monica – I have eaten pizza and burgers. “Lol- but they certainly know how to charge here

      Onwards and upwards everyone !

    • #42806
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Seven weeks completed .
      49 days .
      I have urges sometimes but nothing like I had at the start.

      Money is not plentiful yet but in the near future I hope to be able to relax- every time I get a little savings a bill popsup .
      I guess it took me longer than seven weeks to get into this mess- it will take a lot longer to get out of it .

      I look forward to when I can have money behind me – the kind that gives you a little security.

      I am so grateful to everyone on here for their support – staff and clients . This really feels like my time
      .
      This time I have been strong – I have let no one stand in my way – I have let no one knock me off course.
      Sometimes you have to be really selfish about recovery and if others don’t like it – then that’s really their issue.

      I am away and I don’t have to worry about the bank statement arriving when I get home – in the past I heg had 150 mile round trips to sneak home and get them – wow how deranged was I?

      I am thinking that I also might give up alcohol – I have never been one of those people who could take one or two and stop. (Although I can sometimes ). Unless I make a huge effort I just keep wanting more and more . Many of my friends are the same but maybe it’s time for a change .
      I want to feel clean and alcohol makes me feel like gambling did – Kinda guilty and dirty .

      I want different things for the future . I want peace , no regrets and happiness. I have been blessed with a lovely family . I have been blessed with a good job.
      I need to put these things first.

      Week 8 starts tomorrow .
      Onwards and upwards !

    • #42807
      micky
      Participant

      idi what an honest post , warts and all , i think we are both doing the same thing , telling it as it is. And isn’t that just great, my journal is a daily blog just like yours and i too feel i need to write something everyday whether good or bad after all were only human. I love alcohol too and whats the point in having one when we need a skinful to feel good. Onwards and upwards . 🙂

    • #42808
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Micky
      I appreciate your support as I have always done over the years.
      I think it is about 8 years I have been posting on here – and I am just starting week 8 in recovery .
      It has been a long slow process but as Kin describes – if I add all the baby steps together I have come a long way .

      What is different this time ?
      As I mentioned in my last post I let no one stand in my way .
      My bingo buddy can meet me for coffee is she wishes but I will not be made to feel guilty for not going to bingo. It’s a nice pastime for her – it’s an addiction for me .
      I need to be selfish about recovery- I need to put me first and if others don’t like it – so be it – I now understand that I am as important as anyone else- and my recovery is as important !
      And perhaps that is why I am now doing so well in recovery .

      I’m not doing guilt for others’ issues- I don’t need permission to make decisions which are good for me or to explore options which are good for me . I don’t need permission not to attend bingo or a casino – it’s my choice for me. I don’t need permission to discuss different views on recovery. I don’t need to follow anyone else’s rules for recovery .

      I have learned the hard way what works and what does not work for me . I find feeling put down has been a huge trigger for me – no more – I value myself too much to take on board the putdowns of others and I now realise that these are more about their own insecurities than me .

      Week 8 here I come !
      I have not gambled this year ! How good that sounds !

    • #42809
      micky
      Participant

      “I have not gambled this year” sounds like an incredible achievement to me idi 🙂

    • #42810
      micky
      Participant

      Yes a bit sarcastic there, but 25 days gamble free and not one of the admin/staff posted on my thread to say well done until i prompted them (velvet ) when i posted about losing my sister in october same thing (will they ever learn) i doubt it, they obviously log on when they can be bothered to, sorry but home truths hurt.

    • #42811
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Micky,
      Good luck with being heard — a number of us have repeatedly requested earlier groups- however the response was to make two of them later !!

      But it is what it is- I find Charles groups helpful so maybe you could get to some of those- sometimes I cannot stay long but it helps to keep me focused .

      You are doing really well – keep focused on recovery .
      I guess you are still feeling a lot of grief about your sister and the loss of her in your life.
      Grief seems to be featuring a lot on here at the moment so we need to be extra kind to each other.
      Take care Micky -treat yourself well.

    • #42812
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Still gamble free- still got never ending flu.
      I will be kinda glad to get home – not much fun being away when you’re ill

      In the past when people gambled I found myself repeating to them about barriers and phone blockers – somewhere along the way I have realised that after the initial few months we all know this stuff and it is often annoying when people repeat it – maybe that’s what is meant about hearing the things you don’t want to hear but need to hear.
      For me and most people I would imagine the things I need to hear are things which encourage me to be gamble free – not things that tear me down – like a well done ! It doesn’t cost much but helps a lot .

      I have found it really difficult to stop gambling in the past – this site has been my main support and when people posted nasty replies it made me feel guarded in what I wrote -an. example ( and there are many ) was once I complained about something hubby did which was annoying – I can’t even remember what but it was helping me to write about it -and true to form the reply came to take the plank out of my own eye . There were so many other horrible comments – I felt monitored all the time !

      Now I find I can write what I want to – and to be honest I find that now the defensiveness is no longer needed – my posts are no longer so negative – and also I am sustaining recovery

      I like that I have so many positive people who help me on this site now- it is a good place to be and a good place to get help with recovery .
      I know – I am doing it !

      Onwards and upwards

    • #42813
      Raynor98k
      Participant

      Hi i-did-it,

      I will admit that I have been reading your thread everyday (stalker much? lol). I read a bunch of threads everyday, and it is hard to keep up with your posts because of all your success :). I am sorry you still have the flu, I have managed to dodge bullets this flu season so far (I am knocking on wood right now). I hope you feel better, but most importantly, I am glad you are being completely honest and doing things for yourself. You are absolutely right, when we are in recovery, the most important person is you. It is okay to be selfish during this time. It is also important to let loved ones know if it becomes a problem for them. We don’t want to shut off the world, but we do want to do everything we can to help ourselves.

      Being gamble free feels pretty great. It feels like I got a huge raise because I have money now. That money is going towards creating a bigger emergency fund first, and then paying off credit cards and student loans. After that is done, all money is going towards saving for a house. I do still play the lottery, and have probably spent around $80 the last 35 days (which is nothing compared to what I used to on online gambling). I’m not advocating playing the lottery, but I am against doing things that you know are not a problem to you. I have never spent more than I wanted to with it, and it has never created an idea in my head to go gamble more. As long as you are honest and true to yourself, life gets pretty easy in my opinion. Keep going!

      –Nick

    • #42814
      kpat
      Participant

      Been missing you!
      XO

    • #42815
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Nick and Kpat
      Nick I totally get what you say about the lottery – I find slots so addictive but yet I cannot imagine getting any joy from cards or football bets- we all have our own poison .
      I can’t see me ever getting addicted to the outcome of grown men running around a field with a ball! I cannot imagine anything more boring !
      Kpat it is so nice to see you back . Hope we get to catch up in group .

      So today is day 52 – I think this is my longest ever completely gamble free time . It has not been easy .

      I find myself thinking that if I gambled just one more time – I can control it now , I have a system, I know how to get the big win and now I have developed the control to cash out … and then I remember I have an addiction and that is its voice I am hearing.
      It’s hard to stay stopped -but between barriers and a little will power – I am getting there .

    • #42816
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Day 53
      Almost two months done .

      Strange thing tonight which is making me rethink online groups.
      I got really scared in house alone and messaged hubby to return home . He had just gone to local shop.
      I find myself wondering how safe it is to connect with people world wide .
      Is paranoia a withdrawal symptom?
      Am I finally losing my marbles ?Nnb
      Do I have reason to feel scared ?

      Lots of crazies out there …
      Lots of ok people too .

      Maybe this two month old flu is dragging me down ..

    • #42817
      Monica1
      Participant

      Just tuning in, not posted much. Remember we never have control, but I know you know that. Will speak in group soon.

    • #42818
      Monica1
      Participant

      Just read your last post. Recovery enables us to feel our anxieties a little more than we might have noticed previously. I certainly feel more anxious than pre gambling. So not paranoia, just normal anxiety. I sometimes wonder about revealing so much on line. But the bottom line is the benefits outweigh the risks.

    • #42819
      micky
      Participant

      Hi idi , i get it your worried about the www and groups like gt and you just don’t know who you are talking to . But thats the way it is we have to trust that people are genuine on any social media site we don’t know personally. Hope you get checked out at the doctors , two months is a long time to have flu symptoms .

    • #42820
      Monica1
      Participant

      Hope to catch u later.
      Also hope your flu symptoms are improving. It is the wheeziness that lasts the longest. How r u doing?

    • #42821
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Monica
      I feel much better but have stayed in bed !
      Wonder if I had done that in early Jan would I have had flu for so long ?

      The not gambling is going really well- a week off two calendar months – just when I thought I could never do it .

      I still have a lot of anxiety about lots of things – and the only solution my mind comes up with is a lottery win.
      I think maybe I am doing something wrong , or am not in “real recovery” but I will take abstinence over gambling any day.

      Maybe I will catch u in the next group .

    • #42822
      Raynor98k
      Participant

      Hi i-did-it,

      I think you are doing great, but I wanted to ask about the lottery win. What sorts of things would you not be anxious about if you won the lottery? I am curious because I buy a ticket every other day, but it’s not really about the money for me. It’s the “what if it’s meant to be factor” that I want to find out, and this is a cheap way of doing it (as long as you don’t go overboard). The only thing a lottery win would bring you is money, but the old saying goes “more money, more problems”. I believe this to be absolutely true. I am finding through budgeting and hard work that earning your fortune instead of winning it is so much more satisfying.

      If you are anxious because of money problems, I would recommend taking a look at Dave Ramsey’s channel on youtube. I just recently started watching him a few months ago, and I wish I found him sooner. He is very smart about money and has “baby steps” laid out for you to follow. I have done baby step 1 (build $1000 emergency fund), and am currently on step 2 (pay off all your debt). This is the hardest and most painful step, but it will be incredibly rewarding when it is done. I will be able to look back and say that I got rich on my own terms, not because of the pull of a handle or push of a button. That, to me, is way more valuable than just coming into money. Just my thoughts, hope you are well and congrats on the gamble free life you are living.

      –Nick

    • #42823
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Nick
      I am going to watch that .
      My worries are mostly about my son.
      Money would mean I could pay for tutors, skiing trips , language trips etc.
      Then if I had money he wouldn’t need them cos he wouldn’t need to get a job. Lol.
      I could have a decent home so that I would have more people over.
      I would work less hours and be here after school for him.
      Lots of things would be better .
      But it is what it is

      And yes you are right – I am starting to afford things already .
      I will postpone some do my plans til I get that grand locked away !

      Thanks for your post ! Very practical advice

    • #42824
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I-did-it, Dave Ramsey’s financial advice is awesome. I’ve read several of his books. You could download on a kindle. I’m working on the emergency fund right now. I’ve often wondered about winning the lottery but I don’t play. I wouldn’t want a huge amount, just enough to be comfortable and travel and help my kids and Grandkids. I think too much money can be bad also. I guess theres nothing wrong with dreaming.

    • #42825
      i-did-it
      Participant

      8 weeks completed today.

    • #42826
      slapshot16
      Participant

      Really good man, that is insane! 8 weeks is a decent chunk sir, keep er going!

    • #42827
      micky
      Participant

      Isn’t it just worth it when i get a post like yours yesterday on my thread, so pleased i was able to make a difference to your day and a positive one as well. Onwards and Upwards IDI. 🙂

    • #42828
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Micky, Lizbeth and Slapshot for your posts.

      I am having such severe anxiety right now – is about a specific issue which I should be able to deal with but anxiety is preventing me from doing anything .
      It’s like a vicious cycle .

      On the brighter side, I value myself a lot more … and I have more money to do it with .
      I wrote on here about a year ago about buying new hair straighteners – I bought them, reduced in Argos and they are just about ok.
      Today I decided it’s time to get my old GHD straighteners – so I have been on their site and think I am about to pay £135 for hair straighteners .(just need to read a few more reviews first to check which ones).
      That would be a “I spent hardly anything ” amount in terms of gambling and yet seems like a big deal to spend on me .

      GHD straighteners make life seem more normal – more me – they were something I simply couldn’t live without – and yet I have learned to .

      Every morning they will represent to me that I am back !
      I am worth it .

      When I look in the mirror I will know I am worth it .

      Cos u know what? …I am!

    • #42829
      finding_laura
      Participant

      You are darn right you are! You deserve them. You’ve earned them by showing up at your job every day unless physically prevented! At the same time as being mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, mentor and supporter. And that’s just the short list. Instead of treating your self to several rounds of self destruction you are doing something that is mentally sound and personally healthy. You are treating yourself to a well deserved gift of feel goodness. And hair straighteners may seem basic to some but to a gambler who has wasted every last cent before treating herself in the past, I totally get what a step this is. Especially if you don’t feel like you are spending “gambling” money. That’s a biggie! Hope they arrive quickly 🙂 I’ve been wearing my new shoes.

      Laura

    • #42830
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I-did-it, I’ve just read your latest post and it was very uplifting and positive. Just what I needed right now. Self care is essential. Gambling takes away our self esteem and self respect. I hope to turn my gambling free days into many days like you have. Take care. Onwards and upwards!!!!

    • #42831
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Laura and Lizbeth
      Forcing myself out of bed today and going to actually get stuff done .
      Today is the start of week nine I think
      .
      Yesterday two letters arrived from casino sites .
      I didn’t open them, but hubby was away last night and there is a way I can access online gambling (not my device ) and I was tempted to open the letters and use the free tenner or whatever is in them.
      Instead I went to bed and I have woken up this morning still able to buy my GHD s- well I hope I can – there is a problem with my car !
      I am currently working on my thousand pound emergency fund as recommended by Nick – I have a little cup of £2 coins which is building up really fast – I have some untouched child allowance . I have a little left over from my wages this month – it will be built up in a few months . It is also motivating me to get back to some eBay sales .
      I think what the plan Nick outlined (Dave Ramsey) does is it gives you a reason to save or pay small amounts . When I look at my finances it seems so overwhelming I think what’s the point?
      But when I think I have to save a thousand – no matter how long it takes it gives me a target .

      Anyway week 9 starting (I think ) . Still gamble free.
      Thanks for the support everyone

    • #42832
      micky
      Participant

      Well done on everything from treating yourself to binning the letters, your doing all the right things, i too have never had spare money for a long time although it isn’t a massive amount it certainly helps and is so much better than having none.

    • #42833
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Micky .

      Ok I think maybe I want new sofas in the DFS sale more than I want an emergency fund or to be debt free- I am the most indecisive person I know .

      I have always been a happy optimistic person.
      Today I feel a bitterness creeping in. I sometimes found that those in long term recovery could be very harsh – how many of us have been ‘afraid’ to write about relapses? How often did we feel kicked when we were down. Did it help ? For me it just drove me back to my escape .

      Today I feel harsh and I am wondering is this what happens to everyone when reality kicks in . I feel I have been kicked around by the world and its systems just enough to find some softness inside me change to bitterness .

      I cannot escape this – because the big win that was coming to sort my life out is no longer on its way – it’s no longer an option.

      What I get in life is down to me.

      If I had realised this many years ago, I would have worked harder in school, in college, in life . I would not have been the jolly one at work . I would have been a workaholic and I would have saved and saved .

      I didn’t – so where do I go from now .
      I need to prioritise – and maybe that new sofa is important.
      It is important to have a home which so welcoming to others – it helps build friendships – but it also allows us to network and build contacts .

      Somehow I have got everything all wrong .
      It’s like a light switch has come on.

      Presentation is everything in life – it gets you “in”. Whether it’s yourself and how you present yourself , or your home or your work . Anyone who feels that is shallow – welcome to the real world !

      Some momentous change is happening inside me .
      Yes there is bitterness – there is regret – but there is also a huge drive to do better . I am no longer happy to let the world and those in it dictate .

      Yeah maybe I have just discovered motivation .

    • #42834
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi I-Did-It
      I will attempt to answer your question about those in long term recoveries being harsh.
      The CG I know went through rehab which in those days was a 9 month residency. After 6 months I saw him again and he told me that those who were just starting were behaving badly (his words were stronger than that but I think this forum is not the place to paraphrase his words accurately). For the first time he could see how he must have been before he accepted his problem and started to work on himself.
      After 9 months he faced his next big hurdle – the harsh reality of re-entering the world that didn’t understand, didn’t even want to understand and couldn’t gave a tinker’s cuss about his struggles – he got hurt many, many times.
      On reflection he could now see the route that he had taken and that different people were on different parts of the route and he went through a long period with the most amazing patience for those who were following him. It is hard, however, for those who have come out of the shadow not to want others to come out too and (although you may disagree) I have found that patience is not a common CG trait.
      Reality is hard but you are on a life-time journey, not one that lasts 6 or 9 months. Those in long term recoveries are still CGs, still facing their demons. They are not, as I read in another post ‘cured’ and I weep for that fact but I can’t change it and nor can they.
      I know the CG in my life does not think he is in recovery but terms himself a CG who controls his addiction. I firmly believe that the painful harsh feelings your are experiencing today will bring you to a future that is good and where the daily struggle for control lessens and even disappears.
      I wish you well
      Velvet

    • #42835
      finding_laura
      Participant

      Hi IDI,

      we had late supper tonight. I’m just sitting down in peace with a coffee for an hour. I’m tired. Haven’t had my nap the past two days!

      Do we carry some bitterness in ourselves because of all that we have lost. Are those in recovery for a while, who have found their new “groove”harsh with those that don’t seem to quite get it or keep falling off the wagon? Perhaps they lose patience and want those that are struggling to be riding that bike with them now. Perhaps they want to save us that self bitterness we feel for wasted time or life, because they know how it feels, to waste and to be free of it.

      There is nothing wrong with being the happy one. You can be that and a tad responsible and of course gambling free! Sometimes I feel our current society tries pushing us all into the same moulds. When we are all not the same. And maybe that is where some of our initial unhapiness comes from.

      What about a $500 couch fund and a $500 emergency fund? I’m the worst one for worrying about having decent furniture and a clean house. But I’m not a fancy person who needs the best. And i can’t clean a lot for sure lol. And I’ve noticed that for some people it wouldn’t matter if they had crate and burlap sack furniture it would be sat on all the time because they are just fun to be around.

      I think it’s ok not to know exactly what you want. Just start a fund or two or three. Emergency, short term reward, long term reward.

      Be kind to yourself. You have come a long way! Around two months soon. Quite an accomplishment. Keep ignoring the temptations! They will just turn into regrets.

      Have a good rest of the week.
      Laura

    • #42836
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Velvet and Laura for your very kind posts .

      I think I confused things a little – I feel no harshness or impatience towards those who are struggling with gambling .
      I really just want to offer them kindness and support _- I know how detrimental hard hitting words were to me .

      I feel the world is a harsh place and I need to become harsh to endure it . I suddenly realise what an unimportant little cog I am in so many systems which I belong to .
      What makes me unimportant is lack of money .
      Money makes you important in this world – its that simple .

      Now that sounds bitter .

      I feel my harshness is coming from understanding that I am nothing .
      I am a dispensable cog in a big machine which doesn’t care if it has to replace a part .

      It sounds a bit mad – and maybe it is a bit mad – but as someone else has said – recovery Isn’t much fun.

    • #42837
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I-did-it, I find that recovery isn’t fun! I too feel very strongly about money and self importance. It’s all about money in this society. Maybe I’ve placed too much importance on money but boy it sucks when you dont have much!! You aren’t nothing! You have a lot to offer this world. We may be little cogs in the scheme of things but we mean something to our children, family and friends. We just have to mean something to ourselves. The world is harsh but we dont have to become harsh. I know that there is a lot of goodness and kindness in you.

    • #42838
      Raynor98k
      Participant

      Hi i-did-it,

      Glad to see you are still living gamble free. I gambled this weekend, but I knew it would happen (birthday trip from girlfriend). I’ll write a post on my thread about it after this.

      I get exactly what you are saying. I have always viewed money in a negative way. I associate so many bad things with money, that I really do not care for it, but have found myself trying to force caring about it for my futures sake. I feel like my lack of respect for money made it easier to blow it away on that senseless activity. I live in the US, and it really disgusts me at the massive wealth inequality here. The biggest culprits are the conservatives that hide behind religion. I am not a religious person, but I do believe the bible does teach good lessons. I also believe that Jesus was a real person, and I try to live my life like him. It sickens me when people who claim to be religious are only out for themselves, and they are so blind they cannot see that their greed is hurting others. I believe Jesus would be poverty level poor if he were here, because he would be constantly giving his money away to help others. I don’t think he would be too concerned about his stock portfolio, but people think otherwise.

      Sorry, I had to rant about that for a bit. I don’t think I will ever be wealthy, because I like to give to people constantly. If people are really suffering, I try to help. We need more of that, this world really needs more of that. The main problem is that the way our current economy is setup, you are treated as a god for the amount of wealth you have. You could have stolen that money, or been born into it, or just screwed over a bunch of people to get it, and yet we treat rich people like they have everything figured out. Society has a bunch of things backwards. I wish wealth was determined by one’s honesty, integrity and generosity. Truly pure/good heart’d people will never be on top economically, because corruption does not play by the rules. Something’s gotta give, but who knows what that something is. All you can really do is try to make the world a better place. Love always wins in the end. Take care

      –Nick

    • #42839
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Nick and Lizbeth .

      Society isn’t fair – the things that trouble me are things that threaten my “middle class” existence while children starve , are forced to be child soldiers- while mothers try to squeeze a drop of milk form their starving bodies so babies can survive another few minutes . Life is not fair and I guess I am not a fair person in that I want “things” while the world is like this .

      I once again tapped into those systems which only a few days ago made me feel so small and unimportant and I learned that I do matter – the correct and very human people have done the correct things in the most human way possible – they have went beyond the call of duty. My stresses/worries which had driven me to the brink and have been practically wiped out by a few good people with the power to help me in practical ways .
      I guess it’s true –God will never let us be pushed beyond what we can bear.

      I feel renewed and I feel Gods hand strongly in my life .
      I am grateful and I am happy .

      I’m not sure how my body fits together without the stress of several years holding it taut. Again I wonder will my face muscles relax and leave me with a bag of wrinkles.

      Today I had completed two months gamble free.
      Tomorrow I start March – my third month .

      Life is good for me – Things have fallen Into place .

      How can I help others ?

    • #42840
      lizbeth4
      Participant

      I-did-it, I’m happy that you are entering the 3rd month of a gamble free life! It’s so hard but worth the journey. I’m striving for it too! I look at all the people starving and being killed in this world and feel ashamed that I’m complaining about things in my life. A lot of people don’t have a chance in this world! I’m glad life is good for You! You deserve it!

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