15 April 2016 at 6:52 pm #4650KitKat88Participant
I’ve been with my bf for 9 years and helped raise his son. We’ve never had any major problems over the years and I thought everything was roses. I work full time, study part time and have lots of hobbies so I am always in a rush and never second guess anything…because why would I?
Starting in August last year my bf told me his wages had been paid late. This happened every month for 6 months but the money always appeared…so I believed the elaborate lies he wove about his employer and their incompetency.
I knew he gambled and I didn’t have an issue with it, as I have the odd bet myself and he appeared to be spending no more than £20 every Saturday.
Without going into every detail (like I’m itching to do)…it turned out that our rent was in arrears by 2 months, he’d been spending a full months wage in one day on a regular basis, taking UNPAID time off work to gamble, his friends and family had lent him nearly £10,000 to feed his gambling habit and stop our door getting kicked in…they all lied to my face too and they knew the wheels were falling off…
and I didn’t even have one tiny suspicion.
I forgave him, said we’d work through it and after around 5 weeks our finances were stable and we seemed to be going back to normal. Nonetheless I started to feel he was a calculated person….but I would just convince myself he loves me and his son enough to sort his head out.
I knew he couldn’t buy me much for my birthday last week as we were both broke from getting all the bills etc up to date. I asked for something that cost a pound instead…and he didn’t get me it…because of (insert big elaborate manipulative lie here.) Again I denied the truth to myself and just decided to enjoy my birthday. A few hours later he was arguing with a guy outside the house…
and I just knew it was about money…
Long story short…he’d managed to borrow £2000.00 on my birthday and he smashed it all in at the bookies…he didn’t even spend a pound on me.
I’ve now moved into my parents but we still spend time together at the house and I feel that bubble of denial surrounding me again. Tonight is his first GA meeting…but I really believe he is just going through the motions so he doesn’t lose me…then when I move back in he’ll lie and manipulative me again so he can secretly gamble. I don’t know if I can face it for a third time. The last time he wrestled his phone out of my hands and it was the first time he had been aggressive with me.
He’s treat me like a princess for nearly a decade and now I question every moment of that time…I see a calculated, manipulative, selfish devil under his stunning exterior…
… I can see that his real concerns are his son seeing him for what he really is, other people finding out who he really is….
Things he’s always done I now see in a different light 🙁
…it’s f***ed up.
Thoughts?15 April 2016 at 8:01 pm #4651charlesModerator
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, youll find the times for these if you click on the Group times box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself youll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and theyll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If youre the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isnt connected with GMA, please dont identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
Youll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which youll follow, some you wont…but thats ok because only you fully understand your
situation and whats best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you dont because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our16 April 2016 at 12:20 pm #4652velvetModerator
CGs (compulsive gamblers) really can change their lives and live gamble-free – if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be here writing to you. However nobody including the CG and those who love them can ever know for sure when a genuine recovery starts and all recoveries, in my opinion, will cause those who know about the addiction to have some doubts. Following your bf’s lengthy manipulations, lies and deceit it would unwise for you to trust that this show of recovery is 100% real BUT it could be. What makes you think your bf is only ‘going through the motions by attending GA? Has he attended in the past or sought other support before?
Is the situation with your parents such that you cannot stay with them for any length of time? Are your parents supportive ? It would be quite normal for your parents to want you to end this relationship but in this forum you will never have it suggested that you stay or leave; because it is important that all decision come from you and I believe that it will be easier for you to make those decisions when you have more knowledge of your bf’s addiction.
Sometimes it is good to make the most of time apart as it gives you time to think and to work out what it is that you really want. Your self-esteem and confidence will undoubtedly have taken a few knocks during this experience and it can be easy to forget about yourself in the middle of the confusion – but you are important and although you cannot save your bf you can save yourself which ultimately is the best thing for both of you.
At the moment you are probably seeing everything your bf has ever done through a fog of misery and confusion but I think it is worth noting that your bf would have gambled just as you did at the beginning – for fun and he couldn’t have known that addiction was to be his lot; sadly by the time he possibly realised he had a problem it would have been too late for him to sort himself out without support. He has an addition that he neither wanted nor asked for.
His poor behaviour is the consequence of his addiction. To change his life he has to accept he has an addiction which hopefully he will be doing in GA. I suggest you watch his behaviour following his meetings and see if he is lighter in spirit; perhaps you could listen to what he has to say and then hopefully with the knowledge you can get here you will maybe begin to see what is good and what is not.
I will leave this post here Kitkat and wait to hear from you again. You have done fantastically writing your first post which is always the hardest, you are welcome to vent as much as you like and you can rest assured that everything you say is understood. In the meantime please look after ‘you’, see friends, enjoy hobbies, collect your thoughts and each day try to ensure that you spend some time when you refuse to think about gambling.
I have an F&F group on Tuesday between 20.00-2100 hours UK time and it would be great to meet you and communicate in real time – but please keep posting too as your input will be read by many others and none of us can know how much our shared experiences can help.
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