[Jordan0806]

I never thought I would be the one to post this. My wife has always been the better one. She has always been the sturdy one. I’ve always been the one needed saving. However, she is now a CG. I have no idea how to deal with it at this point other than ignore her requests. I am at my wits end at this point.just last week we got into such a huge fight that she actually blamed me for her problems and I ended up apologizing in order to calm her down. Eventually she came to her senses but every couple of days, it seems to be the same story now.

Her problem started about 3 years ago. We are both very successful people and now she has a lot of extra money to throw around. She started gambling quite frequently at one spot and I would go with her and gamble. I did not know how bad it was until she started refusing to leave. A coupe of times,she would ask me to grab the car and I waited over 2 hours for her alone in the car.

She quit for about 6 months after I asked her because I was about to leave and move out. However, she got back into a new spot and has been going there for about the past year and half. I never really monitored her gambling because it was like 1 time every two weeks. Oh before I forget, her mom gambles with her too. Her mom is elderly and lives with us.

Anyways, about the past 8 months her gambling became more and more frequent. It was so bad, she was going 2-3 times a week. Mat first it was just an hour or two but when I really started to get scared and really angry is when it would turn into an 8 – 10 hour ordeal. There were times she would even make me late to work and I would have to call in sick. That is when I really started checking into her finances. She makes around $20k a month…yes she does very well..but always seemed to have just enough money to pay her bills and not have much else left over. I seemed to be loaning her money every now and then for her to buy nice clothes and go shopping. I didn’t mind because I make good money as well.

It came to a head when I checked her finances last month and noticed that in a span of a week, she gambled over $10k away at the casino. I was startled and truly saddened. I was not angry with her but worried for her. I came to her with this very calmly and she seemed to get it and stopped again.

However, over th past two weeks she has been wanting to go and even lied about it one night blowing through $1000 in the matter of an hour or so. Then upon her return home, she blamed me for being controlling and trying to control her life. I explained that I didn’t but I wanted to help her and not have her ruin her retirement or our 11 year old sons future. He is very affected by this but I don’t allow him to speak to her about it because then she thinks I’m trying to turn him against her.

She hasn’t gone for about two weeks since our last big blow up but now seems to hate me and ignore me every time she wants to go and I say no or ignore her requests. Just last night, she was begging me to go and I just stopped talking to her. She didn’t go but hasn’t really talked to me since then. About 30 hours now.

I’m lost and do not know what to do.

It’s too embarrassing to ask my family or friends for advice so I turned to the Internet. What can I do?

How can I make her see that this is for her benefit? How can I stop her from going without it being about control? How can I stop her from blaming me and making me feel like shit the next from her not having fun?

She cancelled a family vacation tonight that was supposed to happen in August. She said it was because of timing but I could tell it was because she was angry.

Please help me. Even if there is someone to talk to. Please help.

I cannot help the love of my life from destroying her self. She has helped me countless times and I can’t return the favor. I feel powerless and hurting pretty bad. I really just want to leave her now but am afraid that she would just jump to her addiction even further.

Jason

[velvet]

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Hello Jason

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Jordan
By starting this thread, you are more than returning your wife’s favours to you. You feel you want to leave but you have not done so, instead you are seeking support for yourself, which is the best thing for you and ultimately is the best thing for your wife – hardly the behaviour of a lesser person – well done.
I think most members would agree that they never thought they would feel compelled to write on this forum – the addiction to gamble is not something people would expect to find central to their lives – however, if it becomes central, in my opinion, this is the best place to be – so welcome.
You probably didn’t know how you got into that big fight last week – your wife’s addiction is a master at creating scenarios where blame can be placed on anybody but the CG. Without any judgement Jordan you found yourself apologising, you reacted with love and there can be no blame attached.
At some point in her life, your wife in company with many others, gambled for fun – but for her, the addiction was a sad outcome – she neither wanted it nor asked for it, anymore than you but it is now a fact for her and unless treated her addiction will grow.
Knowledge of your wife’s addiction will help you cope and there is a lot to learn. I remember being overwhelmed by information when I stood in your shoes many years ago so for this first reply to you I will focus on one thing you said. – “She cancelled a family vacation tonight that was supposed to happen in August. She said it was because of timing but I could tell it was because she was angry”.
Many CGs are not aware that their behaviour is recognized so I suggest you perhaps have a look at the gamblersanonymous web page and print off the 20 questions. Question 2 and 13 directly relate to your wife’s words. Leave the 20 questions for your wife to see – it is perhaps best not to hand them to her as this would probably provoke an argument. Sometimes a CG will screw them up and discard them but I have heard of many instances where the CG has returned to the bin and read the contents due to curiosity. Hearing, reading, finding out about her behaviour from a source, that is not her loved one, is hopefully far more thought provoking because undoubtedly she will feel that you cannot understand and your opinion is therefore not relevant.
One last question – has she ever accepted her addiction?
I will leave this first post there and wait to hear from you. You are right that you cannot save the love of your life but you can help her, you can be a tremendous support to her and she can change. I wouldn’t be writing to you now if I didn’t know that this addiction can be controlled and amazing lives lived as a result.

Velvet

[Jordan0806]

Thank you Ms Velvet.

I was up very late last night talking to the advice line as well. Unfortunately I got disconnected early but I got some good advice there as well.

I will definitely print off the 20 questions. I have been doing a lot of searching here but it is tough because I get teary eyed reading a lot of people’s stories similiar to mine.

“One last question – has she ever accepted her addiction?”
No, I cannot remember any of our talks which she has accepted it. the last few times, I asked her; ” do you not know that you are addicted?”…She either gets angrier or stops the conversation. At that point, I tend to let her go. I just have to deal with the silent treatment for a day or two.

I was going to buy her a gift today just to show her that she needs to be here. Nothing big, just some flower or something. Is this ok or not worth the time?

I am tempted to solicit the help of friends but still unsure. How do I approach them with this issue? I have trust issues now because of this.

Jason

[vera]

Hi Jason!
I saw your name in the chat earlier but missed you.
I am a compulsive gambler and like you I was surprised to find myself on a Gambling Therapy Site posting those very words.
Gambling is a complex issues Jason and I always say there is only one thing worse than being a CG and that is being married to one! I honestly don’t know how my husband lived/lives with me when I am in the “active phase” of this illness! It transforms us into what I could only describe as a “she devil”!
I do believe it is an illness Jason. It takes hold of us and pulls us powerfully into places and situations that no “normal” person would ever dream of going . It is progressive. It escalates fast once we lose control and it ruins lives. The good news is, however , that a Cg can stop gambling and we can stay stopped. You will read lots of recovery stories on the Journal Section of this Forum. Many CGs have succeeded in staying Gamble Free for years. My own recovery has been rocky. Not due to lack of knowledge or support, but through lack of discipline and effort on my part.
You wife appears to be in a very bad place right now. As a CG I can feel her panic and overwhelming desperation. When I needed to gamble I created scenes which led to chaos and confusion by magnifying the most minor flaws in my husband and family and projecting my own issue onto others to the extent that my husband would be in such a state of confusion he would be reduced to the level of a wimp, I am very ashamed to admit that at this point I would resort to manipulation and my new found “power” would give me the opportunity to flee to the nearest casino acting like a victim of his “unfair or shoddy handling ” of whatever situation we were dealing with. In other words I create drama as an excuse to gamble.
It seems to me that your wife is using a similar tactic!
Velvet will give you all the “self help skills” you need Jason.
You ask what can you do to STOP your wife gambling.
As a CG I will give you a short answer
“Nothing”!
Look after yourself Jason or you will find yourself being sucked in by this powerful force which will fast become beyond everyone’s control.
You wife will stop gambling only when she becomes SICK of what it is doing to her and to her loved ones.
I hope it will stop before everything ends in tears!

God bless!

[Jordan0806]

Thank you so much.

I too actually feel like a wimp at times when she starts to get into her gambling mode. It’s funny too because I’m a foot taller and have work out ever day . But I dont use my stature to be imposing, I actually retreat so she doesnt feel threatened.

It’s enlightening to hear your point of view because I can see a lot of what she does in your words. She does create scenarios or blows things out of proportion in order to make an excuse to travel and gamble.

I was…until this week…very easy manipulated by her but now trying to stand strong is making her angry. I dont like this feeling either and having a tough time dealing with it.

I know tonight or maybe this weekend, she will be on her game and asking me to go. I will stay as strong as possible and probably stressing about her attitude again.

Thank you for the support Vera.

[Jordan0806]

Well. I could not stop her tonight. I tried to be nice and reason with her. She started yelling and calling me AND my son controlling. she was very angry. She said I’m forcing her to go because of my attitude. She really let me have it.

She told me to go find someone else since she was a bad wife and a bad mom. She told me to find someone better. The she said that I didnt want her to go because if she spent all the money, I would have to take financial responsibility for the family. I let her know that hurt but it didnt stop her.

She continued for about 15 mins to yell and say mean and hurtful things to both my son and myself.

I told her tonight that I joined this group and she just thought of it as a joke. Told me to leave so I wouldnt need “therapy” anymore.

I’m super sad right now..

[velvet]

Hi Jordan
I will go back to what you asked in your earlier post and hopefully help you make the right decisions for yourself. You asked “I was going to buy her a gift today just to show her that she needs to be here. Nothing big, just some flower or something. Is this ok or not worth the time”
Such a simple act that has a great meaning for you – but what is the meaning for her. There is no single answer that anyone else should give you but you will know the answer once you have greater knowledge of her addiction.
Your wife’s addiction has nothing to do with money – it is everything to do with the gamble. As non-CGs we find this hard to get our heads around as it is the money that we see going in and out and it is that which we understand – but If the money comes out of the equation we are still left with unacceptable behavior. I have brought my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle” up for you which I hope will help you determine the pattern on behavior that you are in – unless one person breaks the cycle it will go on ad infinitum. However, this does not mean that I am suggesting you leave your wife or that you stay – that decision comes later and will always be yours.
So what does giving her flowers mean to you? They are tokens of love and appreciation but what do you hope for when you give them – a smile, a hug a return of affection, a thank you. Wanting a good reaction is something that you need to weigh up because a bad reaction causes a set-back to your well-being and I am afraid that a ‘thank you’ (as with ‘I’m ‘sorry)’ have little meaning from an active CG
Your wife wants money to gamble; money has no consequence for her, it is only the essential tool of her addiction. My CG saw all my gifts as something to sell but flowers are not like that. So it is something to weigh up Jordan and maybe post her reaction – there is never any judgment here.
I know you have been reading the forum and you may have come across the analogy of the ‘addiction beast’ but I will post it to you anyway because although It isn’t recognized professionally it is a brilliant method used by many of us at the beginning or our recovery to help us cope.
Imagine your wife’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten her addiction it stays quiet. Never forget that she is controlled by that addiction – you are not.
Her addiction is the master of threats and manipulation – you are not and nor do you want to be. When you threatened her addiction, by telling her that you were seeking support here to help you cope, the beast came between you and turned what you had said to suit her personal perception – she called your getting support a ‘joke’ and told you to leave. She didn’t really hear what you said because her addiction distorted your meaning and in turn you only heard her addiction as it sought to demoralise you.
Because the life of a CG is riddled with failure the addiction has a ready mind to distort.
My CG explained to me what happened when I tried to reason with him: His addiction had caused him to truly believe that he was unlovable and a worthless failure so when I was pleading with him and telling him that if he stopped lying and lived honestly, he would be happy, his distorting addiction was twisting my words telling him I was a liar. Deep in his misery he felt lost and afraid, and fought back with the chosen weapons of his addiction – namely blame, lies and deceit because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism..
I think it is good, although difficult, to try ‘not’ to believe your wife’s words because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what she is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into. Having said all that, I think you did well telling her you were getting support, the knowledge would do her no harm – secrecy is the currency of her addiction – it is not your chosen way to live.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
Keep posting Jordan – I promise you it does get clearer. Instead of trying to make sense of the senseless, put yourself first and if you give flowers, be ready in your own mind to cope with whatever reaction there is.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jason
I have just re-read Vera’s terrific post – it is brutally honest and I think gives plenty food for thought. I think it is the beauty of this site that we can see both sides of the coin in a spirit of helpfulness and without rancour.
The only thing I want to clarify is when she says that ‘nothing’ you do will stop your wife gambling. This might sound like picking at words but I hope I make sense. You cannot stop your wife gambling but you can do things to support her so that stopping gambling is a better way forward for her.
If you are dragged down by an addiction then you become impotent – you become a victim just like your loved one. By refusing to be dragged down, by learning about the addiction, by never sinking to manipulation or threats, by continuing to be honest and unafraid you will not become part of the wreckage of her addiction. She doesn’t want to destroy you but her addiction will do so if you ‘allow’ it.
She can change – she possibly doesn’t know how to or where to go for support but you are learning and you can give her direction – once you are strong again. I don’t know what your outcome will be but whatever it is, it is important you survive and survive well and by that I mean a stronger person who can take this miserable experience and turn it into one of the greatest educations.
I was lower than a wimp; I was a blob whose personality had been extracted over years of unwittingly living with the addiction to gamble. Loved or loathed now, I am no longer that blob. You are not unwitting – you cannot save your wife but you can make a difference.
Velvet

[vera]

Hi again Jason!
To clarify my comment that there is nothing you can do to stop your wife gambling, I will reiterate what I said while referring to my own experience.
I cannot , of course speak for any other CG.
In my case, there was nothing whatsoever that my husband could do or say that would have stopped me gambling until I was ready to admit I was powerless and that gambling (not my husband)had me beaten! In fact, the more he tried to stop me ( looking back he really didn’t try that hard) the more determined I became to overrule him. I think like you Jason HE WAS AFRAID! I can identify with your wife’s present behaviour and I can see where you might be enabling her to gamble even more. In order to allow me to gamble I needed three pieces of ammunition. Money, Time and Opportunity. If anybody ever tried to interfere with my access to any of the above, I felt immediately threatened to the point where I would instantly provoke all sorts of irrational arguments to create the smoke screen I needed to allow me to escape.My desire to gamble was like a forceful magnet , drawing me away from real life to a secret world which I believed in my flawed mind was the only place I ever wanted to be. In order to continue my actions, I needed an Enabler and a Scapegoat. My husband fulfilled my needs because he did not know how to handle me. This is the KEY, Jason. Nobody knows how to handle a CG at this stage of the illness. His mistakes gave me all the Opportunity and the Time that I needed. I learned to play him like a fiddle and fine tune every note to keep my Illusions intact! My need for money came later…..
What is obvious from your posts Jason is you don’t know how to handle your wife’s present behaviour. In fact I suspect you might be even blaming yourself for some of it .
This is firing her gambling big time! Taking blame plus your fear is allowing her to continue to gamble. You say you don’t know how to “handle her requests”. These words jumped out at me from your first post because in the beginning I used to ask my husband to drive me to a casino. Why should a person need to “request” to partake in “normal” fun! This shows how “sick” we have become! I would allow him to think he had some say in my gambling and like you, he would wait in the car and it seemed all above board because I was going “with his consent”. What he didn’t know was, that every chance I got I was also going more and more behind his back, on my own and would spend up to 12 hours there doing “my own thing” and I was secretly borrowing huge sums of money and packing those machines with every cent I borrowed! Like I did, your wife has involved you to a limited degree and has even allowed you to carry the blame because that served her addiction at that time.
I will let you in on a little CG secret Jason. My guess is that now her game is almost up! You are an obstacle to her gambling now . That is why she wants you out of the way. She is insulting and verbally abusing you so she will have a clear run to do the only thing she wants to do right now. Gamble! This cannot last Jason!
My guess is she is petrified by her own lack of control. She cannot face her fears so she is running scared! The time will come when she will collapse under the strain. I think that time is near from what you have described. She is both teasing you and testing you because you are her best friend yet her addiction’s worst enemy. Sooner or later things will erupt. Secrecy is very stressful . We can run but we can’t hide forever Jason and it seems the time is coming when she will need you to be there for her. Sadly, when I arrived at that place and “came clean” with my husband it was too late for him in many ways.
Every scenario is different . Velvet will tell you how to look after yourself. I am just sharing my experience to let you know that Gambling comes with a high price tag. Every CG must face the music at some point. While I say there is NOTHING YOU can do to stop your wife gambling, I will say there is a LOT she can do to STOP HERSELF!
Stay strong. She will need your support when she wakes up from this horrible nightmare we call “Fun”!

[Jordan0806]

Thanks again Vera and Velvet.

it’s weird how your stories really follow what I am going through.

I almost had a breakthrough on Saturday night. She admitted to having a problem but did not admit to having an addiction.

She admitted to having a problem by going too often but did not want to stop going but wanted to slow down. Should I look at this as progress? I dont know, I wanted her to stop cold turkey but not sure what I can do.

I did tell her about my feelings and how she reacted. I told her that she doesnt even realize what she says when she is talking. It’s like her addiction has a hold of her and spews junk out of her mouth. She did not accept this fact and just ignored that part of the conversation.

She IS willing to accept that I am seeking help for this but still does not understand why I do it. I said I seek help for my benefit and hers.

She requested that We shield her problem from my son. I dont know how to feel about this. I dont want him to be hurt but I also dont want to lie to him about his mom’s problem. What does everyone think? Should I tell him that I now accept it when she goes out? Should I just tell him to ignore what he is doing and I will handle it? This is where I am confused.

I really thank you all. I went to 2 of my closest friends this weekend and was able to finally talk to someone else about this issue. They did not have any experience but are willing to give emotional support if I need it.

I feel like I am moving forward with this but want to know what a good next step is. She admits she has a problem but not an addiction. So maybe she’s not admitted fully. I dont know but I am happier than I was on Friday.

Jason

[vera]

“Addiction” is far too strong a word to use at this stage Jason.
Just stick to “gambling problem”!
Time to put on the kid gloves.
You are making wonderful progress.
Your wife is aware she has a problem
That is a huge step for a CG.
In my opinion your son is far too young to be involved in his mam’s “issues”.
She wants to protect him.
Grant her a mother’s privilege. He is only a child!

[nomore 56]

Hi Jordan,
my daughter was 14 when her dad went to prison for a crime he had committed to finance his gambling. Needless to day that it was a huge shock for her. We had not told her about the gambling at all but she had witnessed almost everything else related to it for years. The arguments, the anger, the periods of silence and towards the end my terrible fear of what was going to happen to us. Not to mention the countless occasions when her dad promised to do something with her/us and then didn’t show up. My panic when he didn’t come home and I couldn’t reach him. You name it, she witnessed it. When I told her about the prison sentence I had to tall her the reason. Her reaction was that she told me she wished we or at least I had told her about what was going on. I don’t know your son, some kids are “older” than their age, some are not. I don’t know how much he saw, heard and or/experienced. And I would never advise you what to do. Your wife probably tries to protect him and might also feel some guilt deep down inside, or some shame, Nobody knows but her.
From your posts it sounds like you live in the US. Most states have a council on problem gambling, might have a slightly different name in some. These councils are a great resource for cgs and the families. The have lists of groups and counselors certified to treat cgs and families in your area. From my own experience I can say that I wished all this would have been available when the sunshine hit the fan here. It would have helped my daughter and myself a great deal. Maybe you could find someone who can help you with the situation re your son. Here in WA the topic of cg was integrated into the social studies curriculum, starting in JH. It is age appropriate and part of the topic of substance abuse etc. Imho a therapist who is trained in treatment of cg might be able to help you. Just an idea.

[Michelle66]

I am new here and just started reading some posts.It is shocking to see so many similar stories.I always was having false perception of people having fun at casinos but now I realise.
I started going only to accompany my husband and because they offer free dollars to play I joined membership.Only recently after nearly 2 yrs when my husband is away on business I have started uncontrolled gambling.
I am afraid to face him and try to gamble more thinking I can win and replace the loss.It is getting worse and worse.
I win and gamble more.Its greed and something takes control on your mind.
My husband is not back another few days.I have very little money left and am totally scared.He is a gentleman and I know he will help.But ashamed of myself.
I have heard people loosing everything they have with this addiction but only started truly understanding now.
Please God help me fight this.
Jason you are very loving not to leave your wife in this crisis.As I would understand as fellow gambler about her is she is in denial as there is no financial strain.
Dont know if it would help if you cut off your financial contribution to the household?
First of all she has to accept to herself and then try to seek help.As I lost 2000 Dollars in one day I know I need help. I couldn’t sleep last night and cried through the night.
We all need lot of courage and patience to fight this demon taking control of our lives.God bless!

[Jordan0806]

Thank you. I will grant her a mother’s privilege for now. I will see how it goes.

[Jordan0806]

So tonight…04/20.. she asked me AGAIN?!?!?!!>
Just after we spoke on Saturday about her having an issue.

She said they signed her up for a free tournament and she wants to show me that she can go there and just play and not gamble. I obviously told her that is not a good idea. You dont send an alcoholic to work in a bar. I dont see how being a “free” slot tournament proves to me that her addiction is getting any better.

She is REALLY pissed off at me. And is now back to saying that she has no freedom. I am staying my ground ever so politely and it is making her angry. I am really surprised the grip that this gambling addiction has on her.

I am down to my breaking point.

[Jordan0806]

Cutting off my financial contribution would barely put a dent in her spending I think. I also think it would give her another reason to gamble more and relate it stress. Also, it would validate what she said to me on Saturday, ” that I am afraid her income would go away” and that’s the only reason I dont want her to gamble.

I am trying to do whatever I can for her without pushing her in the wrong directions. At this point, it seems like she is still in denial. I have no idea what her limit of loss is. $3500 to her is about a week’s take home and it seems like she is willing to lose easily. I’ve seen the bills.

I almost at the point of letting her hit bottom, but I have no idea how deep that hole is.

[Michelle66]

I was on a online counselling session just now.My counselling advisor has put a new thought into my mind.Is there some emotion which we are hiding or afraid to face when we reach out to these gambling cycle?
For me yes …I’m going through a lot last 2 years.You need to think if there is something else bothering her to push her towards this addiction.I know it is hard for you especially when you are the one to be taken care of like most men are:)
Bring some positiveness into her life,maybe something you both love to do.I know you said she doesn’t want to take the planned family holiday which is sad coz this addiction puts you off many important things in life.
Is there work stress?Just a thought !

[Jordan0806]

She blames most of her gambling on the business saying that she goes because it stresses her out so much. honestly, I think that is long past. I honestly feel it is the rush of the potential of a big win. it has such a strong hold on her and I think everything else is smoke at this point.

[velvet]

Hi Jordan
You are hanging in and doing well.
Many CGs accept the word ‘problem’ but pull back from ‘addiction’. Here in the F&F forum we use ‘addiction’ more freely because in my opinion, it is better to accept it for what it is. The jump for a CG to admit they have an addiction is often the turning point but if your wife is not at that stage I think it is good, for now, for you to accept that she is agreeing to a problem.
You have stood up to her addiction and told her that you don’t think it is a good idea that she goes to a gambling tournament and true to form her addiction kicked in and fought back. Of course a slot tournament will not help and if it was me I would suggest to her before she goes that it is a really bad idea. However if her addiction is really determined there is little, or nothing, you can say will stop her going. Hopefully she will have heard your warning even though her addiction is telling her you don’t know what you are talking about – her addiction is telling her that this time she will win. It is a tough call Jordan – but in my view you have to allow her to fall.
The difference in your relationship now is that you are aware of her addiction in a way you were not before and her addiction is more wary of you but that is good – she might believe she can fool you some of the time but she will begin to realise she cannot fool you all of the time. To me it says you are standing beside her to help he fight her demons and not against her but she will not and cannot appreciate it yet.
I have re-read you thread and I cannot see the age of your son so I am not able to comment on whether you should talk to him or not. I also think it depends on the maturity and emotional stability of the child – it very important how the subject is dealt with. My firm view is that the only one that matters with this discussion is the child and the CG’s interest is secondary. We have a terrific member who is the child of a CG and I am hoping she will see your thread. As an adult she is able to help us understand how it was to have a CG parent.
I will leave it there for now – you are getting a lot of information thrown at you and I know how hard it is to take it all in – eventually though I believe clarity will come.
Velvet

[vera]

Don’t allow your wife’s recent attempt to gamble break you, Jason! This is par for the course. It’s very early days.
Do you think admitting she has a problem will cure her? There is no instant “”cure”! No magic wand. She needs to sit with her own admission and digest it herself. Maybe, at this point you could ask her if she would like you to help her to discuss her problem with an outsider. A counsellor? GA? Gambling Therapy? GP? Priest? Pastor? This might be the time to gently mention this Site. If she resists, back off!
She is trying to gamble.
She is also trying frantically to prove to you that she can limit her gambling. Because, as I said in an earlier post, you are her greatest obstacle right now, she has to keep you on her side. Then, when things go wrong she can say “We were in this together” I see it as a bonus that she is not YET acting in total secrecy. When a CG begins doing that it is even more dangerous. Try to keep the communication lines open.
My advice to you wold be to use as few words as possible . Words mean very little to a CG.
She has crossed the Proverbial Line. There is no going back when a CG reaches this point, She cannot gamble “normally”ever again. Kissing her hobby goodbye will be difficult so she needs to ease away gradually. It needs to be HER decision not yours! I cannot emphasize that enough.
Tell her you are dis associating your self totally with any gambling trip or venture she is planning. If she insists on destroying her life, let her know you will not be her accomplice BUT as soon as she wants help to stop gambling let her know you will be there beside her 100%.
That’s the best you can do for now.
Tell her exactly what your plans are and stick to them regardless of what she does. If she sees you deviating in the slightest she will take advantage of what she will perceive as weakness.
It’s not a game of tit for tat. You are involved in a serious situation which will at times require Tough Love.
Every word I write is my opinion only. I do not know the mindset of your wife or of any other CG but there are common traits.
Don’t give up hope. Things will improve. There is a lot of help available.

[Jordan0806]

Hi all.

Just wanted to drop in here. Been on a high for a couple of days because I thought I reached her and she was starting to seek help. Apparently that must have been a lie because tonight she went out again and lied to me about it.

I’m so frustrated and seriously hurt. I had to get in here and see what everyone was doing.

Why does she has have to do this to us?

[velvet]

Hi Jordan
Beware of highs before there has been a very long term commitment to a recovery. Possibly you were reaching your wife, it is probably impossible to tell – but that in itself is not enough to believe that her addiction is being controlled. Abstinence is not recovery – what was she doing that gave you hope?
I was hoping when you read all your replies that you would understand that your wife does not deliberately seek to hurt you, she is not in control of her life and at the moment, she is not hearing your words as you mean them.
It is difficult when a CG is earning a lot of money for them to realise what their addiction is doing to their minds, often they lose their jobs as a result of their addiction and that is often the best thing that can happen. It might well be that as long as she has money to ‘throw around’ she will not be ready to accept she has lost control. If her behaviour in other ways is causing disruption and misery to her son and to you, those are the issues to be tackled. Tell me about her behaviour other than the gambling. Does she get angry, does she lie about things for not reason at all, does she look after her friends, is she good at her job, is she a good mother?
How have you got on treating her addiction as a beast? Have you stood back and listened to her rather than telling her what she needs to do? My CG informed me that when I telling him what ‘he needed’ to do I was talking about my needs – he said it was ‘my need’ that wanted him to change but that in his world he ‘needed’ to gamble – so my words were wasted. Understanding the addiction will help you cope.
Keep posting
Velvet

[Jordan0806]

I do have a good update but before I do. I will answer your questions.
what was she doing that gave you hope? — she admitted to looking out on forums and steps to help herself recover. She was setting certain goals and time limits for herself which she adhered to.

Does she get angry, does she lie about things for not reason at all, does she look after her friends, is she good at her job, is she a good mother? — she hasnt lied about things to me other than the gambling but she lies to her friends and my son about her problem. She is VERY good at her job. We opened the business because she does so well. customers are scheduling months in advance for an appointment with her. She is a GREAT mother in terms of making sure my son never has to go without anything and taking care of all his needs.

How have you got on treating her addiction as a beast? Have you stood back and listened to her rather than telling her what she needs to do? I am progressing well. I have sat back and listened but have stood my ground when she insults me. I always tell her that she is being unfair because of “the beast” and her words are hurting me for no reason. I started going with her CHOICE in the matter. letting her know that her decisions are ruining her son’s opinion about herself.

[Jordan0806]

ok. so after I commented last night, I stayed up until I passed out while waiting for my CG Wife. She came home in tears and desperate. at first, I just wanted to ignore her sorries and pleas and just sleep. It was 4am and I was dead tired. But, there was a moment I could tell she was reaching out.

So I sat up and listened and all of a sudden, She asked for HELP!. SHE ASKED ME FOR HELP!. SHE SAID SHE WAS A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER AND NEEDED MY HELP TO CURE HER ADDICTION. I was thrown “out of my seat”. I couldnt believe it. I was happy, shocked, and worried all at the same time. I knew immediately I needed to wait and not judge and listen to her.

She told me she basically wasted every dime to her name tonight and realized at that last moment there was something wrong. I didn’t care about the money and still dont. I care about her. She admitted that she didnt even realize and was gambling angry because she was losing so bad and just wanted it all back. i let her know that it was NOT HER FAULT. it was this BEAST that had control of her and she was caught in it’s grip. Things went on for an hour like this and I think I realized she might have finally hit bottom.

She has never directly reached out and asked for my emotional help at this point. She apologized to me and asked for my forgiveness. Of course I accepted and actually said there is nothing to forgive. Her actions were not her fault and were directly the result of the addiction. I did tell her that I was glad to see her hit bottom honestly. Because for the first time in about 6 years, she has had to depend on me for financial as well as emotional support.

I know this is just the start of the battle but I’m hoping to take this WAR head on. My problem is, where do I start? I want to be delicate with her but not forceful. I dont want to force her into anything. She will be turning over ALL her finances to me starting today as well as the full control of our business finances as well. But, I’m wondering what steps i should take to help keep her mind off of gambling. ANY INPUT HELPS!..

thank you all for your attention so far. I will keep you updated.

[nomore 56]

So that was the first breakthrough for your wife I guess. Good for the both of you! What stuck out for me was that she asked you to help her cure her addiction. I’m sure you know already that neither you nor she can CURE the addiction. It can be controlled but will always be there. Just like a recovering alcoholic can never drink again, she cannot gamble ever, including anything that has only remotely to do with it. I’m a stickler for language, sorry, so for me there is a difference between help and support. Maybe it’s the same, I’m not sure. Personally I would chose the word support. Support in her efforts to jump of the slippery slope of cg. Are you sure there is nothing to forgive? For me, forgiveness is a huge part of supporting a cg. But again, JMHO. Every addiction is a beast, but also involves actions and choices the addict makes. I think that the many yrs of apologies, cries for help, pleads for forgiveness etc. I heard from my hb just wore me out. I so hope that the two of you can tame the beast.
I don’t believe that you can or should try to take her mind of gambling, that is part of HER recovery work. If she is serious about it she will gradually set different priorities for her life, including you and your son and find joy in other things than gambling. I would like to suggest that it might be helpful to find a GA group she feels comfortable with and there are many of those who offer a GamAnon group at the same time and in the same building. You could make that a part of your schedule and join forces to fight the beast off. I did that for a while with my hb and even though he was still a long way from true recovery, it helped us to put some things into context. This is all just how I see things but maybe it gives you some ideas.

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