27 October 2014 at 2:12 pm #3158
As Worriedmama has written – please start your own thread. Every member has an unique story and every post is dealt with individually – It isn’t fair of me to use the thread of another to support you as I would like. Scroll to the bottom of the Friends and Family forum page, click on ‘New Topic, write your post in the square and give yourself a thread title, scroll down and click on ‘Save’.
Sharing your worries and fears can be very therapeutic and there is always someone listening on this site. There are many things I would like to say to you so I do hope you will perhaps pop in to the Friends and Family group on Tuesdays between 8pm and 9pm and/or start you own thread so that others may support you..
I am going to bring up my thread ‘the F&F Cycle’ for you to read and hopefully realise that you are no longer alone.
You cannot save your son but you can make a difference, by starting your own thread we can help you understand the addiction and how you can best move on .
To start your own thread Tractored please have a look at this video http://youtu.be/Yc0s92e1S88
Hoping to hear from you soon
Velvet29 October 2014 at 11:08 am #3159
It was good to see you post and to get your update.
This may sound like nit picking but I hope it will help. Your son has ‘slipped’ twice and that is not the same as ‘relapsed’. A relapse is a total re-immersion in the addiction but a slip implies a desire for change even if a true recovery is still slipping through his fingers. Recoveries have ups and downs. I know that many CGs never tell their loved ones when a true recovery starts – mainly because they don’t know themselves, having experienced slips along the way.
I have absolutely no idea why my CG changed his life when he did – I have no idea how often he attempted to control his addiction and did not succeed. What I do know is that he went to GA for a time and then ‘relapsed’ following which there was a long devastating period with him in the wilderness but I also know that when he finally did enter a true recovery, the time spent in GA had made a difference – he had never forgotten what he heard at his meetings even if, for him, rehab was the final answer.
I cannot know when your son will retake control of his life but having been to GA for 7 months he will have knowledge of his addiction that he would not have had before, he will have shared with others how he feels, he will have been understood and that will have made a difference, however small – even when it seems, to you, that he hasn’t listened at all. As long as he tries to get back on that horse and sometimes succeeds in hanging on – he has hope and as long as you support him as you have been doing he has a greater chance of success.
Judging by your post, your understanding is pretty perfect – living the perfection is probably impossible. In refusing enablement you are giving your son the finest love and the greatest hope for him to live gamble-free – well done.
Great positive post – I hope you update again sometime soon
Velvet29 October 2014 at 2:22 pm #3160
Thanks for your encouraging post. It is such a roller coaster that most days I just want off! My son did get back on the horse again(that poor horse must be so tired) after his last “slip” and went to GA which was very encouraging. I have realized my job is to now be supportive but for the most part keep my mouth shut. No more suggesting he get a sponsor in GA, or get the cash advance off your CC , or so on and so on.
Thank-you for your words about your sons recovery and finally finding his way to his “true” recovery. It gives me hope that my son is making his way albeit 1 step forward 1 step back!
As cliché as it sounds I know that when we come out of this hell we will ALL be the better for it!
Thanks for you kind words.
Cathy8 November 2014 at 3:55 pm #3161
Was thinking about how “we” being F&F of CG’s can slowly become addicted ourselves. You certainly don’t intend it to happen but the chaos that surrounds your life becomes your “norm” and you are left thinking who and what was I before this all started??? I feel good, yet somewhat guilty, that I am finally feeling its time to move on with my life and have the faith that my higher power is looking over both my son and myself and will get us where we need to be. Wow that sounds very new age-ish but happily that is how I feel… today!!11 November 2014 at 9:07 pm #3162
One of my favourite quotes is ‘success is not the result of spontaneous combustion; you must set yourself on fire first’.
I don’t know about new-age-ish but I do hope you can put guilt firmly behind you and take heart from the knowledge that you are standing up to your son’s addiction by not enabling it to grow further because of your actions.
I can hear you have lit the fire Cathy and I salute you – well done.
Velvet7 February 2015 at 1:32 am #3163
All is well on my side of the world! It is a long process and a lot of work getting oneself “well” after years of living with a CG. I am grateful for sites like this. While I don’t post a lot and due to time zone issue am not able to make it into a chat I can at least read and feel not so alone.
My CG continues to attend GA… getting on for 9 months and has had 2 relapses but seems intent on sticking with it and finding a better way of life. I celebrated my 1 year in GamAnon and have to say it was one of the best things I did to get myself back to sanity. I asked one of the “veteran” members if they would help me work through the 12 Steps. The strength and peace this has given me has been a Godsend.
I hope all is well with everyone and maybe one day I will be able to make a chat!
Cathy7 February 2015 at 6:27 pm #3164
Thank you so much for your update – it is great to hear from one of our ‘veteran’ members, who is still following the forum even if she is not posting regularly – especially when she offers support as you did with our new mum.
I am not picking at words but I do think it helps to note the difference between a ‘relapse’ which is the addiction taking control again indefinitely and a ‘slip’ which is a short loss of purpose followed by a re-focus. Slips do not have to occur but if they do, it does not have to be negative – they can help the CG be stronger in the future. As your son has picked himself up from a couple of slips, dusted himself down and stuck with his GA, it is to be hoped that he has gained that strength and I wish him well.
I love to hear that you celebrated ‘your’ year in Gamanon – well done. It sounds a good group where another member is willing and able to help you through the 12 steps. I struggled with ‘Sincerity’ as I could not see why ‘I’ had to accept defects of character but I am glad I stuck with it because in doing so I was able to get rid of much that was holding me back. Gamanon meant everything to me in those early days bur unfortunately there is no Gamanon where I live now although I am tempted to change that fact.
Getting ‘well’ takes time as you are finding but well you can and will be.
Thank you once again for popping back. It would be great to see you in the group again one day. I send my best wishes to you and your Gamanon group.
V7 October 2015 at 2:48 pm #3165
How is your son doing?
I hope your Gamanon group is thriving, I am sorry the time differences mean you cannot join our groups but I just wanted to let you know you are ‘always’ heard and that all is well here.
Velvet7 October 2015 at 3:08 pm #3166
Both my son and I continue on our paths of recovery. It is a very up/down path for the both of us. I guess the trick is for each of our paths to not be dependant on the success of the others recovery (hope that makes sense!).
My meetings are Tuesday nights. Last night we were discussing progress not perfection. How true that is!! There are still so many areas where I feel I still struggle yet look at how far I have come and am proud of myself.
Thank-you for asking Velvet and this forum provides such a service to all the F&F struggling ! I don’t comment a lot as I don’t know if I am qualified to address the spouses as my CG (yes CG!!) is my son but find the reading still helps me so much!
Take Care18 October 2015 at 3:58 pm #3167
Double standard indeed 🙁20 October 2015 at 9:10 pm #3168
I wish you could have joined us too. I thought of you tonight in your group all those miles away – I hope it went well.
The clocks change at the weekend here, we fall back an hour, I don’t know whether that makes it easier or not
I love ‘progress not perfection’ as a topic – none of us will ever reach perfection and I am not sure I would like it if I could. I will gladly settle for progress
What time does your meeting end? I always say the Serenity Prayer when our one closes on the dot of 21.00 hours UK time – it would be great to think I was saying it with you.
Thanks for all the support you have been giving
Velvet21 October 2015 at 10:50 pm #3169
I believe 21.00 UK time is 2pm my time. I will start saying the serenity prayer at that time Tuesdays and it will be just like I am there!
I am glad the I am “always” heard…. that means a lot:)27 October 2015 at 9:02 pm #3170
I hope you heard us. I was thinking about you. the group was great and your words are with us, even if you can’t be there.
V27 October 2015 at 10:39 pm #3171
I heard you guys loud and clear and felt the love across the ocean!6 February 2016 at 12:41 am #3172veraParticipant
Thanks for posting to my thread, Cathy. Good to hear from you.
The “F and F ” forum seems to be going through a lull lately. A few people I “look out for” seem to have stopped posting.
Yes, walking away from gambling is a tough, arduous journey. Especially when I look back at the carnage I leave behind.
Strangely, I always say “there is only one thing worse than being a CG………….” .
In my opinion, being married to, or having to live with a CG must be far worse because you never know when, through no fault of your own, and without warning, your world will spiral out of control and you will be launched into a spinning hell on earth with no idea when the end is coming.
At least the CG sees the” writing on the wall” beforehand and knows when the end is at hand. I always do, for one. Gambling takes a bit of preparation and plotting. This was always done secretly, in my head , which meant my S.O. had no warning. Of course an observant “partner” might be tuned in enough to see a change in behaviour as being a lead up to another gambling episode, but having to live on those tender hooks would be the worst thing I could imagine. Knowing that intervention in times of danger would be futile brings a helplessness that I would personally find difficult to bear.
The journey that leads me away from gambling is not half as scary or draining as the return journey would be, should I ever choose to travel that route again.
Walking from darkness to light is always easier than walking (or running) from light to darkness.
I am well aware of the misery that awaits me should I ever take that walk again. For that reason I will use my “bag of tools” just for today.
I’m sorry to hear you feel like a “bitter , small minded, bullying mother” for trying to help your son. Does he resent your support?
All any of us can do is protect ourselves.
Nobody can take a step for a CG. Hopefully, your son will reach out for help when the time is right for him .
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