Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Need help coping with son’s addiction

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 64 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #3188
    vera
    Participant

    Touching base to say Hi, Cathy.
    Just read where you mentioned on another thread that your son is about 11 months free. Same as me!
    333 days to be exact.
    Every time I see a young guy in GA , I think “that could be Cathy’s son”!
    Yes, I agree we do have to distance ourselves from our grown children’s behaviour, which is extremely difficult for a mother. It can be especially heart breaking when your “child” is in trouble. My son is not a CG. I am, as you know, but he has “issues” that are similar to gambling. and can be AWOL for very long periods then just as I feel I’m beginning to cope, he springs up from nowhere and everything changes.
    I definitely agree that its all about the way WE as mother’s cope with this behaviour that affects our well being. As a CG, of course I took the obvious escape route until I realised that the “cure” was more harmful than the cause.
    It’s not about being selfish. Mother’s will always hold our “children” in our hearts but we sadly, cannot always hold the once chubby hands that we want to grip still.
    So, we surrender them to God, to the World or to Life depending on our beliefs.
    I think the key to dealing with a “wayward” child, is to first of all protect yourself, stop trying to change him or her and pray that God will bring them back, through the right people, to the right road. Many things are beyond our control.
    You might be interested to hear, Cathy, that I attended the very first Women’s GA group tonight.
    Keep on trying to see what works best.
    “God loves a trier”!!!!
    I hope you are doing well in your recovery , odaat.
    United we stand, dived we fall!

    #3189
    i-did-it
    Participant

    Hi Worriedmama,
    I read on Vera’s thread about how well your son is doing . I think it is very kind of you to post on the other forum and give hope to people who struggle with this . I can tell by your tone and how you describe your son that you are very much a loving mother and I hope you continue to enjoy your son’s recovery.
    You deserve it -parenting can be very difficult and when our kids are in pain it impacts on every part of our being. Your son will be in my prayers .

    #3190
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Cathy
    Its good to see your thread at the top again. I still think of you every Tuesday as the group clocks off and I say the Serenity Prayer.
    It would be great one day if your time zone allowed us to talk in real time but in the meantime please keep posting and focusing on your life.
    It s funny how our thoughts cross the miles – Vera when she sees a young man in GA and me every Tuesday. There are many good things to celebrate as a result of this site and Gamanon..
    V

    #3191
    mariairene
    Participant

    I’m 64yr old mum of 3. Middle son is a gambler – think he has been for a long time. He had total melt down this time last year when his wife left taking their 9 month old son. With the help of Mind Matters and his immediate family we got him through that. Financially he’s a complete mess but seemed to be coping (wrong!) he’s got 50-50 residency with his son, and a surprisingly amicable relationship with his ex wife. We thought he was coming through, he started a CBT course last week and then boom this week he has done it again all his salary and more! just don’t know how to help him. I’m angry and scared, trying to deal with his dad who feels crushed and cant accept it’s an illness – just wants to punish him. His siblings are fantastic, but he pushes them away all the time – it’s all me me me!! He’s lost touch will his friends, doesn’t socialise at all unless it’s with us. He’s holding onto his (really good) job by the skin of his teeth. Just need some advice please. He has stopped going to GA meetings because ‘he’s not like them’ I can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Just don’t recognise this person.

    #3192
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Mariairene
    Please start you own thread and/or pop into the F&F group. All support is tailored to the specific problem. I can’t answer you on somebody else’s thread but I would be delighted to support you.
    Velvet

    #3193
    vera
    Participant

    Hi Cathy!
    ‘Hope all is well with you and with your son?
    You asked on my thread if my son is a CG?
    I honestly have to say I do not know.
    He has been living a very secret life for quite a few years. Acting like some type of reclusive V.I.P./Big Shot/Celebrity who is not answerable for his actions to anybody. On his visits home (which are very rare) we are treated to his charming over indulgent gifts or a barrage of verbal abuse, aggression and general uproar. This has been the pattern for about seven years. Limits mean nothing to him. I haven’t seen him since November 28th, except for a brief conversation on Christmas night (he did a “no show” over Christmas-It was I who called him) when he was full of self pity and remorse for his own loss. ….Fast forward to March 1st, Ash Wednesday, when I got the “urgent call” from his brother……
    I would be vey surprised if he gambles but you never can tell. He HATED gambling with a vengeance and made no secret of how he felt about my gambling and will still dip my nose in it at every opportunity possible. He certainly lives way beyond his means. Spends money (when he has it) as if it’s going out of fashion (as I did) and is generous to a fault. He drinks to excess . Smokes a lot and most likely takes “high class” (sic) drugs. I’m guessing that is how he got hooked up with loan sharks and caused all this distress. He is ruthless. I am still in shock regarding his recent “debt”. He owes me and his father a lot of money. He hasn’t had the manners to even text or call us . Quite frankly I do not want to see him until I put all this hurt behind me and until he makes major changes in his life. He has ruled over our family for too long.
    Just pray for him please Cathy and thank you for your concern and support.

    #3194
    vera
    Participant

    Thanks for posting to my thread, Cathy!
    ‘Hope you have come to terms with your son’s issues and that you are sticking to your own Recovery . It is up to your son to deal with his gambling problems . I hope he is getting his life back on track one day at a time. Some days are easier than others.

    #3195
    i-did-it
    Participant

    Thank you Cathy for your post on my thread. It really helped so much more than you will ever know . I somehow pulled it together and attended a family event . I guess the worse thing we can do is hide away because in that way we continue to let the people in our life down- selfishness on top of selfishness.

    I hope all is going well with your son. I often check your thread for updates. Thank you again for taking the time to post to me.

    #3196
    WorriedMumJo
    Participant

    Hi all mums with sons on here, its like reading a lot of my life and that of my sons right now. He is going through a very rough patch so his nightmare addiction ( which he cannot see) to online gambling has gone way way out of control. He has lost all his wage, all his bill money and all what he lent to cover this due this melt down. AT least me seeing in all this that my son and is behavior is so common with people with a compulsion to gamble. I am kind of feeling how its ruining my sons life and also my life right now. I am so worried for my lad. I can see though that I am not alone with this. Hope I am doing this properly as I am new….so sorry if my comment is the wrong response if you know what i mean

    #3197
    vera
    Participant

    “It is in giving that we receive” Cathy
    but , we can give for the wrong reason too
    “””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””
    ( 691 days since my last bet)
    Thanks for posting to my thread

    #3198
    vera
    Participant

    Thanks for your comment on my Thread, Cathy which incidentally, I’m not using at present.
    I have no need the “defend” GA.
    The evidence that it works for thousands of men and women world wide speaks volumes.
    It is based on ancient spiritual Principles .
    These never change, and can be adapted to believers and non believers alike.
    What are they?
    Truth.
    Honesty
    Humility
    Faith
    Hope
    and of course Charity.
    Opinions change. New ideologies come and go. People change. Others never change.
    GA is a unity programme. A Fellowship of men and women trying to put their lives in order by admitting powerlessness over gambling.
    Nobody is perfect in the groups. All equal. No pecking order.
    GA is not for everyone, certainly not for anyone who denies or rejects the aforementioned FACTS!
    I have no idea how it works. I surrendered and stopped analyzing.
    All I do know is I have not gambled since I attended meetings with an open mind since January 5th 2016.
    Last bet- December 28th 2015.
    I hope your son is thriving in recovery one day at a time, Cathy.

    #3199
    i-did-it
    Participant

    Hi Cathy
    I decided to come over and check out your thread.
    It seems to have been some time since you posted so I hope all is going well with you and your son.
    Xx

    #3200
    potnoodle
    Participant

    Concerned father, who is now playing detective to try to ascertain the full extent of my Sons Gambling habit. Single father of 2 Children, Son aged 24 and Daughter aged 22. I currently reside some 20 miles away from my Son with my long term partner, she is aware of the developing situation but all other family members have no idea including my Daughter, his Sister. They are all oblivious, but should they stay that way? He is renting the apartment from me although i have not received any for the past 8 months or so. He is flirting from one job to another, so i have been cutting him some slack until his financial situation improves. He told me 2 months ago that he has gained employment as a fitness consultant with a well known gym, but he has since told me that was all a tissue of lies and so he is not working at present . I found out about my Sons life through battering him with questions and demanding answers, providing the said bank statements as proof of his ever spiraling gambling patterns. This was on Wednesday 30th of May 2018. I found out there was a GA meeting local to him and so we went along last night Thursday 31st May 2018 . They were kind enough to let me sit in and contribute verbally about my worries and concerns. It was a very emotional night to say the least and the horror stories from the other people at the meeting was mind blowing. My Son has promised to attend these meeting every week from now on, i on the other hand have been told i need to take a step back and he has to go of his own accord. Will he go? he promises me he will, he has read the booklets and intends to treat them like a bible. But people with CG are also compulsive liars and good at the game of deceit, so i have to trust him but keep a close eye on future developments My Son has become a stranger to me and i kind of blame myself as i should have kept a closer eye on him, i guess in hindsight i was deluding myself that everything was going to be alright. How wrong have i been !!! He did say a while back that he has been in a dark place and considered ending it all. The only reason he is still here is because he had a friend he confided in so he told me but he wouldnt elaborate. He did lose his Mum at a young age, he was 11 his Mum was 36. He is a very popular person and has lots of friends he does though suffer from confidence issues. He is a bright young Man and on the outside he seems fine, inside i think he is full of torment? angst? He does seem to be bottling things up. He has become a person i don’t recognize to an extent. He did go to see a doctor on my recommendation and they told him to come back if things deteriorated. So no referral was put in place for possible depression/anxiety. I am at my wits end as to know how to proceed. I had a nosy round the other day and found 3 months worth of photocopied bank statements that revealed he has spent over 4k on bet365 in the main £20-£25 a time with £150-£250 some days. He has though won roughly the same amount, which obviously is no consolation. Am i being too soft and should i resort to tougher cruel to be kind tactics??? I hate saying and thinking it but i dont believe a word at the moment especially after seeing the statements. I dont have contact details for his friends so that is a closed avenue. When i have confronted him about The Job situation, lack of rent money in the past he is so convincing and comes up with good excuses/reasons that when i leave him i feel satisfied that all is ok. Is he just a good liar? is this a trait he has developed. Have i been too stupid and in denial to the full extent of his issues, thinking and hoping that all will be fine. Not really sure how to go about dealing with this, is it something he has to admit to and admit he has a problem and thus want help. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR HIM AND ALWAYS WILL, and i tell him this all the time, is he ashamed, embarrassed or feel he has let me down and so he keeps the truth from me to avoid me being disappointed in him. As a Father i have always been open and honest with him and have pleaded with him to TALK TO ME in confidence, its just a one way street and he promises “things” are ok. Is it something i have done?, said?, not done?, not said ? My Daughter also has issues but her situation seems to have calmed down somewhat, she is now Married, works in The RAF lives in Swindon and her Husband who is very supportive keeps me informed. Both my Son and Daughter had differing reactions upon the death of there Mum. Curtis was angry and Leanne upset. There Mum was a difficult person to navigate around and she had many issues but she did the best she could, we had split up a year before her death and i remained an ever constant in there lives. Curtis’ Mum used to put him down regularly and call him names, your stupid, i hate you, i wish i never had you etc etc but none of this was said to Leanne at least while i was around. I still talk to C and L about there Mum, in a good light and dont treat the subject as taboo, we have pictures and memories of the better times. Your Mum would be proud of you etc etc. Ok, i think ive got a few things off my chest but still the problem of how to proceed? Not be judgmental and offer my help and support, but i am going into the unknown. Sorry the above is a bit of a ramble and all over the place!! Parenting eh!!! its an enriching experience!!! Yours Chris aka terrified Father….. or is that terrible Father ?

    #3201
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Pot Noodle
    Please start your own thread. There is so much I want to say to you but it isn’t fair to use someone else’s thread.
    Your post must have taken a lot out of you so please copy and paste it in a new thread rather than writing it again,
    I didn’t notice any rambling; I found your post clear and understandable.
    Speak soon
    Velvet

    #3202
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Hi Chris

    Unfortunately youve made a fantastic first post on the bottoms of  worriedmamas thread… Were concerned you wont get the support you deserve posting here

    Could you start a new thread, Its simple just copy what youve written and use this link to start you own thread  in the friends and family forum where you will be supported 

    Kind Regards

    Harry

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 64 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.