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    • #3143
      worriedmama
      Participant

      Hi… this is my second time coming to the forum for help.The first time was a few years ago and was so naive how strong this addiction really is. I thought I would hit this problem head on and get it fixed. Yikes… in retrospect that was very wishful thinking. I have a 24 (almost 25 ) year old son who has been compulsively gambling since he was 19. He lives with us and the problem is he is currently quite fragile i.e. low to no self-esteem, isolates himself from friends etc . I has done some cutting of himself and as seems the case with a lot of gamblers – threatened suicide. I am just having such a hard time getting myself to the spot where I don’t think if I could just find the right words etc he would be able to stop. He is in a quasi recovery in that he knows its a problem and doesn’t want this in his life but can’t seem to get to the next part where the real work must start! I really am soooo tired of everything that goes with this addiction.

    • #3144
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      <

      Hello

      Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

      Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

      If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

      You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your

      situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

      We look forward to hearing all about you!

      Take care

      The Gambling Therapy Team

      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

      privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #3145
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Worried
      I am so pleased you knew to come back – welcome.
      I probably remember you under another name but I have no idea what support you were given when you came before, so please forgive any repetition
      Before I say anymore I want you to know that it is because I know the addiction to gamble can be controlled that I am writing to you and like you, it is my son who is the CG.
      You have mentioned your son’s low self-esteem and isolation from his friends but you have not said anything about you and you are very important in your son’s ultimate determination to change his life.
      A way of coping with your son’s addiction that is nor recognised professionally but has been successfully used by many members, is to imagine your son’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room and to always remember that your son is controlled by that addiction but you do not have to be.
      When you speak to your son, the addiction beast in the corner is watching and waiting for a reason to gamble further and to blame you and the world for that urge. When you threaten the addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument because it is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once the addiction is between you, you will only hear his addiction speak – its weapons are lies and deceit and it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. As you speak the addiction distorts your words making them incomprehensible to your son.
      My CG, son who does live in control of his addiction, explained it to me by saying that when I talked to him about love, honesty and living a decent life, his addiction was hard at work passing on to his confused mind, that I could not possibly love him because he was unlovable and worthless (the same low self esteem you mention in your son). As a result he believed me a liar and didn’t trust me. He knew he was lost but he didn’t know that I knew it too, so his addiction fought back horribly because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The threat of suicide is the addiction’s ultimate thread and the most difficult to cope with but it is the threat of an addiction.
      I cannot tell you what to do but I think it is better not to believe anything your son says while he is an active CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what he is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into. Come back on here and tell me what he is saying rather than argue with him.
      Are you worrying about this on your own? Do you have other family to support you? The addiction to gamble divides families by feeding on lies and secrecy. Unfortunately unless people have lived with the addiction to gamble, their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive so personally I think it is best to tell others as a statement rather than ask for opinions which are generally unhelpful. You can gather information here so that you can make your own informed decisions with that knowledge. Often it is better to share – especially as your son’s addiction is possibly/probably hurting other too.
      I like the term quasi recovery but I know it is an extremely fragile state. In my opinion it would be good to tell your son that you are seeking support that you are making the effort and you are stronger for it. Find out about local GA groups, perhaps tell him about this site and suggest he calls our helpline, look into dedicated addiction counsellors. Write information down about support groups in big letters and leave it where he can find it – again if you approach him verbally, his addiction will not want to hear. I think it is good to let him know without fear and tears that you are on his side – that you are seeking to understand, rather than telling him what you think he should do. There are no words to make him stop gambling but there are seeds you can sow in his mind that a gamble-free life is possible, that you will support him if he seeks it but you will not support his addiction.
      He is not alone and he will be understood in GA, on our helpline and in our forum ‘My Journal’. We have CG only groups that he can join and know that what he says is understood. Give him hope – but most importantly look after you because as part of the wreckage of his addiction, you will not be able to support him.
      Write again soon and hopefully join me in one of our F&F only groups which are listed at the top in ‘Support Groups’.
      Velvet

    • #3146
      worriedmama
      Participant

      Hi Velvet
      Thanks for your response. What I find the most difficult is the anger I feel. After 6 years of this I do know that screaming, yelling etc. gets me nowhere but I end up venting with my friends who while are great about it have no idea the hell it is… hence coming to this forum.
      He is going for a psychiatric assessment this week as he feels there is something very wrong with him as he says he hasn’t been happy in a long time. I know there are issues but he can’t seem to grasp that the gambling is now an addiction that he uses to cope with and nothing will get better until he addresses it.
      I have read the F&F Cycle of Addiction and the pattern is bang on. It goes round and round and I know if I don’t do something on my end to break it this could go on forever 🙁
      I start out strong with such resolve and then am sucked back into either ignoring it or feeling sorry for him, neither of which helps!!

    • #3147
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Worried
      When I felt I was becoming powerless with a terrible anger that frightened me, I would shut myself away at and write a secret journal. I took all the pain and put it in writing, pouring it out on to the page– never to be read by anyone. I used to take all the things that had hurt me and type furiously with spelling mistakes, capital letters, underlining and strong swearing (words I have never uttered) . My fingers learned to move like wild-fire and when I had finished each session I would feel drained but there was also a feeling of release, as that particular pain was no longer whizzing round my brain causing me to lose my ability to cope. I never re-read what I had written but printed the pages off and I kept them in a secret file. I didn’t feel the need to re-read them because somewhere other than my mind my pain was held for me like an external hard-drive.
      I never got round to sharing with friends – I held the secret in shame and misery. I hope you will find release in this forum and of course in the group there is complete privacy.
      I understand the resolve gradual dissolving but unless resolve is held each wound will just add to all the others. I unwittingly lived with the addiction for 23 years – he told me then that he had a problem with gambling but it meant nothing and I went a further 2 years in confusion. Knowing what you are facing does make a difference. Realising how important you are and that you are not to blame in any way is paramount to ‘your’ recovery.
      Your son in unhappy and he almost certainly believes that nobody understands ‘his’ misery, he will believe his unhappiness to be deeper and different to anybody else. I hope the psychiatrist has some understanding of the addiction to gamble but listen to what your son is told and make your own judgement. If you don’t hear positive action from him then look for other options. Other CGs do understand your son, which I why our groups, helpline, forum and GA are so effective.
      It is ok to feel anger but it is better if it is channelled into things that will not hurt you – shouting at your son will do no good – he cannot hear.
      Stick with us – keep posting, join our groups, talk to our helpline – it does make a difference.
      Do you have other children? Siblings are affected by an addiction in the family and it is easy to take your eye of the ball and only see the addiction everywhere.
      You are not alone Worried. I survived it and I have survived it with a vengeance. You can do it.
      Velvet

    • #3148
      kb65
      Participant

      Hi Worried,

      As I read your post I could totally relate to everything as my 30 year old son has been gambling for a few years now (not exactly sure when it started) and I feel I’m at my wits end.
      He knows he has a problem, tells me he hates living like this (and I believe him), but just won’t take the next step to stop. So in my frustration and desperation, I googled and found this site and yours was the first post I read. And the follow up posts have me feeling a bit better about how I can manage things, so looking forward to sharing and learning here as I undertake this unpleasant journey!
      KB

    • #3149
      worriedmama
      Participant

      Hi KB…yes it is a most unpleasant journey – it stinks!! Its so very frustrating and I like you have been at my wits end many times. I went to Gam-Anon this week and must say it was comforting and think I will continue. Its also very hard as most of the people on the forums and all at the Gam-Anon are all dealing with husbands or boyfriends. I know we all must learn the same lessons in looking after ourselves etc. but I must admit I would look forward to sharing with somebody who is dealing with an addicted adult child.

    • #3150
      samantha7
      Participant

      Hi
      My son is also a CG . I have lived alongside this for 10 years. I can say that I have experienced feelings that I never felt possible. He has had a horrendous time but me also . He has been to GA ,
      and even GordonHouse but still gambles . Finding this forum has been a real turning point for me . I have read about other mums suffering the same and had great support from Velvet on the chat line . The main thing is I have learnt about the cycles and learnt how I have enabled myson to gamble , the things I have done ! Also I have learnt that I must look after myself to keep strong . I have a daughter too and along with a new partner have to understand how they feel . I feel empowered now and able to say NO to my son but also keep a good part of our relationship. My heart goes out to you because I really do feel what you are going through and hopefully we can support each other. Sam x

    • #3151
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Worried
      Just a quick note on your Gamanon group – stick with it. Every now and then it crops up on the site whether it is harder/different to be a parent or wife/husband, etc to a CG. My answer is that it doesn’t matter – the addiction is the same so why waste energy quantifying who has the greater pain? Everybody learns from everybody else and that is what matters.
      When I first joined my Gamanon group, all the other member were wives or partners of a CG – I was the only mother of a CG. Maybe in made me do more listening in the early days. Gamanon was my route to my salvation.. How we cope is down to each and every person and it doesn’t matter who it is we love with the addiction.
      My son told me that I could have done nothing to prevent his addiction, nor was I to blame. I had been told this many times in Gamanon but to hear it from the horse’s mouth as it were has helped me progress and I hope that it will help you too.
      As yet, your son cannot speak as a person in control of his addiction but never lose hope. Youth makes them feel invincible and nothing you can say will change that until he is ready..
      How much better it is for you and you son that you put yourself first, enjoy the company of others, seek new friendships, have hobbies and interests. When the time comes for your son to realise that his destructive addiction controls him and it is that which is ruining his life, then he will have a healthy, strong mother to talk to and share with, whereas if you are another victim of his addiction you will not be fit enough to help him or you.
      Sow the seeds for him. Point him towards GA, this site, dedicated addiction counsellors but recognise that you cannot save him – only he can do that. The only person you can save is you and believe me that is so very, very important.

      Velvet

    • #3152
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi KB
      Although it doesn’t matter whether the CG we are concerned about is a child/parent or spouse, each story on this forum is unique.
      Please start a thread so that you can receive replies to ‘your’ particular concerns and get the individual support that you deserve.
      At the bottom of the Friends and Family Forum page click on the purple box entitled ‘New Topic’, give a subject title, write in the comments area and click ‘save’ in the green box at the bottom. Your thread will appear and you will receive replies just for ‘you’. If you are concerned that the username you have given yourself is something that your son could identify with and you would rather that he did not, you can change it.
      We have 3 Friends and Family only groups each week and the times are listed in ‘Support Groups’ at the top of this page. I would love to ‘meet’ you in a group where we can talk in total privacy – nothing said in a group appear on the forums.
      I am the mother of a compulsive gambler but I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled which is why I am here.
      Well done on finding us – please use us and know that you are not alone anymore.
      Velvet
      You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing, there will be no results. – Mahatma Gandi

    • #3153
      worriedmama
      Participant

      Absolutely did not intend to waste energy with who felt the greater pain! There is comfort in seeing that it does happen to other parents . Rightly or wrongly I do tend to feel I did something wrong and as a parent it is my job to “fix” it… after all moms have be doing it since they brought their kids into the world. I have started reading the book Co-Dependent No More and must say it gives a lot of food for thought… not just as the parent of an addict but a human being.
      I work full-time and am finding it is such a blessing to be able to cut the cycle of incessant worry… what will become of him, will he be able to find a partner etc. Unfortunately due to my work and time zone it is going to be very difficult to join a Friends and Family Chat which I would dearly love to do :(.

    • #3154
      monique
      Participant

      Although I would wish that none of the sons mentioned in these posts had become cgs and that none of you mums had to suffer the consequences of this, I AM really glad that you have started writing here now. Welcome and I hope you find the support you need and the path to living your own healthy lives.
      I have recently started volunteering with GT – I am a psychotherapist/counsellor by profession, but I came here first as a mum with a cg son, when I was feeling desperate. Unlike Velvet, I cannot yet say that my cg now lives in control of his addiction, but I can say that I am in a better place myself. I did not think it possible to get beyond that sense that my well-being was inextricably linked with my son ‘recovering’. But it is possible to find a way of living well along with partner and other family members, whilst the cg has still not chosen to be gambling-free. It is not our ‘ideal’ and is not without sorrow, but it can be a worthwhile and satisfying life.
      The mother-child relationship is different, but then every couple is different too. That said, other mums will probably find a special bond with each other. But learn from everyone, including cgs who are working for and achieving a gambling-free life.
      You will hear a lot about looking after YOU. That really is a profound and vital message. It’s best for you and, ultimately for the cg, who can only make his choices himself.
      Refusing to argue and shout etc is wise – turn away and do something to enhance your own life and you will feel stronger and more in control. You can make decisions for yourself and carry them out, but you cannot force your cg to do anything.

      Very best wishes,

      Monique (Gambling Therapy Team)

    • #3155
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Worried
      I noticed you responded to my post on siblings so I wondered if you were still reading and if so how you were doing.
      How did your son’s psychiatric assessment go?
      I know how easy it is to start off strong and then to get sucked back in – so however you are feeling and whatever is going on with your son please always know that your words are understood and there is no judgement on this site – just care.
      Velvet

    • #3156
      Tractorted
      Participant

      My son has taken money he has collected from customers at work & gambled it…many times & we keep replacing the money. He has changed jobs twice to avoid the situation of handling money, but in this third job, a new customer gave him cash & he gambled it . He says he has told his boss that he is a cg & he can’t handle money. He said he was understanding & would make sure he didn’t have to collect cash. We are not convinced he has actually told his boss, as he has said this at the previous jobs.He was sacked from his first job for gambling £2000 he collected, but luckily they didn’t prosecute. He got another job & paid the money back monthly. He was on his last payment, when he used customers money again…we lent him the money to replace it. He had just £50 to pay us back, when we received a text to say he had gambled £950 that he had collected. He lived with his girlfriend, but she asked him to leave as she couldn’t cope in the end. He has now moved in a house with two friends & signed a 12 month lease & pays £300 a month for his share . He has only been there for three weeks, yet last week he took that money. We felt we had to replace the money, or he would lose his job, be prosecuted & drop his friends in with a huge rent to share. We know we shouldn’t keep bailing him out. I control his money & he has been to GA on & off. After each time, he is very low & says he will do anything to get help, but after we help, he seems to forget what he’s done. When we say to him that he must know of the terrible consequences of his gambling, he says he has an addiction & it overwhelms everything. He gambles on fixed odds betting terminals that take hundreds of pounds in minutes, so he is gambling massive amounts. We are completely shattered now. After this last episode, my husband hw said we are not bailing him out again. We have told him & he said he was going to find a CBT therapist…this was last week & he still hasn’t. We say each time that we will never bail him out again, so he obviously just thinks we don’t ever follow it through. We really mean it this time and we are quite certain he will do it again if he gets the opportunity.

    • #3157
      worriedmama
      Participant

      This is so very difficult and I know how heartbroken and devastated you feel. All I know from my 6 years on the roller-coaster is they will only get better when they are ready to. I too have heard the countless promises of therapy blah blah blah …usually after a binge when they are at their lowest. For me I have joined GamAnon and really tried to stay out of his affairs – though I am far from perfect at that yet! Unfortunately you are trying to control something you will never have control of until he hits his bottom (whatever that may be). My son has been in GA for about 7 months but has relapsed twice. He does keep getting back on the horse but I try to use all my strength to stay out of it and not be the fixer. I know it is so hard for you both but try to stay positive and get yourself to a GamAnon group it possible. Perhaps start your own thread on here so you can get support!

    • #3158
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Tractored
      As Worriedmama has written – please start your own thread. Every member has an unique story and every post is dealt with individually – It isn’t fair of me to use the thread of another to support you as I would like. Scroll to the bottom of the Friends and Family forum page, click on ‘New Topic, write your post in the square and give yourself a thread title, scroll down and click on ‘Save’.
      Sharing your worries and fears can be very therapeutic and there is always someone listening on this site. There are many things I would like to say to you so I do hope you will perhaps pop in to the Friends and Family group on Tuesdays between 8pm and 9pm and/or start you own thread so that others may support you..
      I am going to bring up my thread ‘the F&F Cycle’ for you to read and hopefully realise that you are no longer alone.
      You cannot save your son but you can make a difference, by starting your own thread we can help you understand the addiction and how you can best move on .

      To start your own thread Tractored please have a look at this video http://youtu.be/Yc0s92e1S88

      Hoping to hear from you soon
      Velvet

    • #3159
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Worried
      It was good to see you post and to get your update.
      This may sound like nit picking but I hope it will help. Your son has ‘slipped’ twice and that is not the same as ‘relapsed’. A relapse is a total re-immersion in the addiction but a slip implies a desire for change even if a true recovery is still slipping through his fingers. Recoveries have ups and downs. I know that many CGs never tell their loved ones when a true recovery starts – mainly because they don’t know themselves, having experienced slips along the way.
      I have absolutely no idea why my CG changed his life when he did – I have no idea how often he attempted to control his addiction and did not succeed. What I do know is that he went to GA for a time and then ‘relapsed’ following which there was a long devastating period with him in the wilderness but I also know that when he finally did enter a true recovery, the time spent in GA had made a difference – he had never forgotten what he heard at his meetings even if, for him, rehab was the final answer.
      I cannot know when your son will retake control of his life but having been to GA for 7 months he will have knowledge of his addiction that he would not have had before, he will have shared with others how he feels, he will have been understood and that will have made a difference, however small – even when it seems, to you, that he hasn’t listened at all. As long as he tries to get back on that horse and sometimes succeeds in hanging on – he has hope and as long as you support him as you have been doing he has a greater chance of success.
      Judging by your post, your understanding is pretty perfect – living the perfection is probably impossible. In refusing enablement you are giving your son the finest love and the greatest hope for him to live gamble-free – well done.
      Great positive post – I hope you update again sometime soon
      Velvet

    • #3160
      worriedmama
      Participant

      Hi Velvet
      Thanks for your encouraging post. It is such a roller coaster that most days I just want off! My son did get back on the horse again(that poor horse must be so tired) after his last “slip” and went to GA which was very encouraging. I have realized my job is to now be supportive but for the most part keep my mouth shut. No more suggesting he get a sponsor in GA, or get the cash advance off your CC , or so on and so on.
      Thank-you for your words about your sons recovery and finally finding his way to his “true” recovery. It gives me hope that my son is making his way albeit 1 step forward 1 step back!
      As cliché as it sounds I know that when we come out of this hell we will ALL be the better for it!
      Thanks for you kind words.

      Cathy

    • #3161
      worriedmama
      Participant

      Was thinking about how “we” being F&F of CG’s can slowly become addicted ourselves. You certainly don’t intend it to happen but the chaos that surrounds your life becomes your “norm” and you are left thinking who and what was I before this all started??? I feel good, yet somewhat guilty, that I am finally feeling its time to move on with my life and have the faith that my higher power is looking over both my son and myself and will get us where we need to be. Wow that sounds very new age-ish but happily that is how I feel… today!!

    • #3162
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Cathy
      One of my favourite quotes is ‘success is not the result of spontaneous combustion; you must set yourself on fire first’.
      I don’t know about new-age-ish but I do hope you can put guilt firmly behind you and take heart from the knowledge that you are standing up to your son’s addiction by not enabling it to grow further because of your actions.
      I can hear you have lit the fire Cathy and I salute you – well done.
      Velvet

    • #3163
      worriedmama
      Participant

      All is well on my side of the world! It is a long process and a lot of work getting oneself “well” after years of living with a CG. I am grateful for sites like this. While I don’t post a lot and due to time zone issue am not able to make it into a chat I can at least read and feel not so alone.
      My CG continues to attend GA… getting on for 9 months and has had 2 relapses but seems intent on sticking with it and finding a better way of life. I celebrated my 1 year in GamAnon and have to say it was one of the best things I did to get myself back to sanity. I asked one of the “veteran” members if they would help me work through the 12 Steps. The strength and peace this has given me has been a Godsend.
      I hope all is well with everyone and maybe one day I will be able to make a chat!

      Cathy

    • #3164
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Cathy
      Thank you so much for your update – it is great to hear from one of our ‘veteran’ members, who is still following the forum even if she is not posting regularly – especially when she offers support as you did with our new mum.
      I am not picking at words but I do think it helps to note the difference between a ‘relapse’ which is the addiction taking control again indefinitely and a ‘slip’ which is a short loss of purpose followed by a re-focus. Slips do not have to occur but if they do, it does not have to be negative – they can help the CG be stronger in the future. As your son has picked himself up from a couple of slips, dusted himself down and stuck with his GA, it is to be hoped that he has gained that strength and I wish him well.
      I love to hear that you celebrated ‘your’ year in Gamanon – well done. It sounds a good group where another member is willing and able to help you through the 12 steps. I struggled with ‘Sincerity’ as I could not see why ‘I’ had to accept defects of character but I am glad I stuck with it because in doing so I was able to get rid of much that was holding me back. Gamanon meant everything to me in those early days bur unfortunately there is no Gamanon where I live now although I am tempted to change that fact.
      Getting ‘well’ takes time as you are finding but well you can and will be.
      Thank you once again for popping back. It would be great to see you in the group again one day. I send my best wishes to you and your Gamanon group.
      V

    • #3165
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Cathy

      How is your son doing?

      I hope your Gamanon group is thriving, I am sorry the time differences mean you cannot join our groups but I just wanted to let you know you are ‘always’ heard and that all is well here.

      Velvet

    • #3166
      worriedmama
      Participant

      Hi Velvet

      Both my son and I continue on our paths of recovery. It is a very up/down path for the both of us. I guess the trick is for each of our paths to not be dependant on the success of the others recovery (hope that makes sense!).
      My meetings are Tuesday nights. Last night we were discussing progress not perfection. How true that is!! There are still so many areas where I feel I still struggle yet look at how far I have come and am proud of myself.
      Thank-you for asking Velvet and this forum provides such a service to all the F&F struggling ! I don’t comment a lot as I don’t know if I am qualified to address the spouses as my CG (yes CG!!) is my son but find the reading still helps me so much!
      Take Care

    • #3167
      worriedmama
      Participant

      Double standard indeed 🙁

    • #3168
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi WM
      I wish you could have joined us too. I thought of you tonight in your group all those miles away – I hope it went well.
      The clocks change at the weekend here, we fall back an hour, I don’t know whether that makes it easier or not
      I love ‘progress not perfection’ as a topic – none of us will ever reach perfection and I am not sure I would like it if I could. I will gladly settle for progress
      What time does your meeting end? I always say the Serenity Prayer when our one closes on the dot of 21.00 hours UK time – it would be great to think I was saying it with you.
      Thanks for all the support you have been giving
      Velvet

    • #3169
      worriedmama
      Participant

      I believe 21.00 UK time is 2pm my time. I will start saying the serenity prayer at that time Tuesdays and it will be just like I am there!
      I am glad the I am “always” heard…. that means a lot:)

    • #3170
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Worriedmama
      I hope you heard us. I was thinking about you. the group was great and your words are with us, even if you can’t be there.
      V

    • #3171
      worriedmama
      Participant

      I heard you guys loud and clear and felt the love across the ocean!

    • #3172
      vera
      Participant

      Thanks for posting to my thread, Cathy. Good to hear from you.
      The “F and F ” forum seems to be going through a lull lately. A few people I “look out for” seem to have stopped posting.
      Yes, walking away from gambling is a tough, arduous journey. Especially when I look back at the carnage I leave behind.
      Strangely, I always say “there is only one thing worse than being a CG………….” .
      In my opinion, being married to, or having to live with a CG must be far worse because you never know when, through no fault of your own, and without warning, your world will spiral out of control and you will be launched into a spinning hell on earth with no idea when the end is coming.
      At least the CG sees the” writing on the wall” beforehand and knows when the end is at hand. I always do, for one. Gambling takes a bit of preparation and plotting. This was always done secretly, in my head , which meant my S.O. had no warning. Of course an observant “partner” might be tuned in enough to see a change in behaviour as being a lead up to another gambling episode, but having to live on those tender hooks would be the worst thing I could imagine. Knowing that intervention in times of danger would be futile brings a helplessness that I would personally find difficult to bear.
      The journey that leads me away from gambling is not half as scary or draining as the return journey would be, should I ever choose to travel that route again.
      Walking from darkness to light is always easier than walking (or running) from light to darkness.
      I am well aware of the misery that awaits me should I ever take that walk again. For that reason I will use my “bag of tools” just for today.
      I’m sorry to hear you feel like a “bitter , small minded, bullying mother” for trying to help your son. Does he resent your support?
      All any of us can do is protect ourselves.
      Nobody can take a step for a CG. Hopefully, your son will reach out for help when the time is right for him .

    • #3173
      vera
      Participant

      ‘Hope the “cruel and inaccurate words” weren’t written by me?
      Have I missed out on something?
      Sometimes, people who are hurt deflect or project feelings in the wrong direction.
      Nobody has the power to stop another member posting unless the Terms and Conditions of GT are breached. That’s my understanding of how the Site works.
      I stand open to correction.
      Surely a Recovery site should create unity not division.
      We all have suffered enough pain through this addiction.

    • #3174
      worriedmama
      Participant

      Hi Vera

      I am the bully (as well as numerous other not so nice things) that Sad has been referring to in her posts. I started following your thread since you started posting on the F & F side occasionally. I was hesitant for posting on your thread for fear that it would not be welcome but really wanted to offer my support to you. I know I am painted in a different light but I want for nobody to suffer with this addiction.

      Sorry for the s**tstorm that this has created.

      PS – You had written in one of your posts that “God loves a trier” – It’s become my new mantra.

      Cathy

    • #3175
      worriedmama
      Participant

      Sad I have no desire for you to leave this site. I had never read your thread before but when you chose a newcomer on the F&F side to pick a battle on what we refer to the gambler in our lives (CGs) I thought it was inappropriate… like you just my opinion.
      You had my post removed and then began a full on attack of F&F which again is your right. I do however, have a problem that when you put up controversial posts and cry “bully” when a response was made.
      I am not nor have I ever been a bully or any of the other derogatory names you have referred to me as. I am a mother of a son who has been a compulsive gambler for going on 9 years. We have been to hell and back with suicide attempts, depression , and a million other things that come with being a CG.
      So ya I don’t appreciate the passive/aggressive threads and posts you write.

    • #3176
      worriedmama
      Participant

      Thanks Sad… done. Today is officially Day 1.

      I truly wish you a life of recovery from this awful addiction.

      Best Wishes

      Cathy

    • #3177
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Cathy
      I have just finished my group; said the Serenity prayer to myself and thought of you.
      I want us to get back to why ‘you’ are here. You are a wonderful support but you are still recovering your life. How is your son doing? I think he is still going to GA but how is he behaving towards you?
      What’s it like in Cathy’s world.
      Time for an update methinks
      As Ever
      V

    • #3178
      vera
      Participant

      I thought of you tonight Cathy, when I met 4 new young men in GA. First timers. They heard wise words from the older men. I hope it turns them off gambling forever and a day. I admire them for giving GA a shot (even if they were pushed in my their wives and girlfriends!) lol . You have to start somewhere.
      “What is said in the Room stays in the room ” so I have to be careful not to breach anonymity but I did observe that most of these guys were baled by my their mothers. A mother thinks we are showing love to our sons and all the time we help them to drink more and more from the poison chalice and it’s not only mums of CGs who do this. 90%of the mams I know give our sons far too much too easily, then wonder what went wrong.
      Not saying you ever did, Cathy but I sure did.
      Awareness is the key.

    • #3179
      worriedmama
      Participant

      Thanks for thinking of me!

      As you know Velvet being the mom of a CG has it’s own set of dynamics. We are used to “helping” and “fixing” the problems of our kids. Problem was that I didn’t realize that my son had become a young man. I didn’t to realize that he had grown up and all my wonderful advice and help was actually hurting him and frustrating the h**l out of me as time and time again it was ignored.
      We have been on this rollercoaster for going on 9 years. My son has been going to GA for going on 2 years. Though he has had multiple relapses I truly do feel he is making progress. He is happier and more honest. As long as he continues to make progress and accept responsibility for his addiction my husband and I continue to support him.
      I am so proud of his efforts… its not easy and would not wish it on anybody.
      Being here is like going to GA for the addict… it helps keep me grounded. It’s so much easier to see things more clearly when looking at others’ situations. I get a better perspective.
      I agree with you Vera we mom’s(as I know you know) are easily manipulated by are little babies- and particularly sons. I have had the wool pulled over my eyes more times than a care to admit. We no longer give him $$ for anything. I am lucky as I have a great Gam Anon group (albeit most members are spouses) that gives wonderful support. They are all just a text or call away when I am doubting myself- which thankfully is getting less.

      It’s not easy on either side of the fence but knowing there are people nearby and on the other side of the world that support and “get” you makes all the difference in the world.

      Cathy

    • #3180
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Cathy
      I know you wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t thought a million times that your son’s problem was as a result of something you had done – however it was never your fault that your son became/is a compulsive gambler and you are doing everything possible to support him now which is all that matters today, what went before cannot be undone.
      Is your son still living with you? How is his behaviour towards you when he slips? Are you aware when it happens or does he tell you? Does he earn enough money to keep himself out of debt?
      When enough money is earned to avoid debt the CG often believes that they are handling their addiction because they believe they are not hurting anybody else or taking money from anybody else. However they are hurting themselves. I am glad that you are no longer giving him cash, I take it that he earns enough and doesn’t get it elsewhere either.
      Does he give any indication why he slips? Does the GA group ask him what he is going to do differently this time? Returning to your first post on this latest thread, is he still suffering very low self-esteem, cutting himself, threatening suicide? If so how are you coping and how is your husband and your son’s siblings dealing with him
      Oh boy! I have just seen a string of questions which was not my intent. However it would be good for me to know where ‘you’ are in the great scheme of things. Your health and happiness are so important. Laughter and joy can be absent from a home with the addiction to gamble in it – I hope that is not so for you.
      As Ever
      V

    • #3181
      worriedmama
      Participant

      Wow those are a lot of questions V!!! I’m going to try to answer them.
      My son bottomed out about 2 years ago. He finally admitted he was a compulsive gambler after years of fighting with himself that he was “different” and could get this under control on his own.
      I had started attending Gam Anon about 6 months before this. I honestly could no longer cope. I don’t know if I thought it was my fault that he became a CG but I certainly felt that I was c**p as a mom because I couldn’t fix this for him. It was heart wrenching as each time the bottoms became so low and he was so destroyed, I would give him my best “mom” pep talk and all would be good for a bit then BAM back to square one.
      Even with him attending GA it has been hard. He is only now just starting to embrace recovery(I think). Previously I was pretty certain that he was just going and hoping that by sitting in the room that would be good enough.
      His slips all seem to revolve around feelings of worthlessness which anybody looking in from the outside would not get as he appears to have it all. I know with absolute certainty where these feelings originate from and I think he does too but not sure he has tackled them.
      He is still living with us and at his request I have complete control of all his finances. At least this gives him a fighting chance to get some “sober” time behind him whilst he works on the bigger issues. It’s funny his days of sobriety no longer seem important to me.
      On my end I am no longer angry. I am just so sad that this addiction gripped my son… it must be awful being so afraid of yourself all the time. We seem to be at a much better place as a family. It’s not the “dirty” secret it once was and it no longer holds power over us. The chaos seems to be gone (for the most part).

      As with everybody its ODAAT, some days not so good but all in all life most definitely is:)

    • #3182
      vera
      Participant

      Thanks for your supportive posts, Cathy.
      Glad to hear things are going well for your son and that Gamanon is helping you. I think there is a gamanon meeting in the same building where I attended GA tonight , because the first time I went there I saw two women waiting in the queue outside the door, but they went into a different room. Lots of young men in that group. My sons’ age and the scary bit is that some of them are already separated fathers due to gambling. Strangely, I relate better to some of the men, than I did to the lady! I guess I’m getting to know one or two of them from the different venues. One man invited me to attend a meeting in my ******. He runs that meeting, he said. Another man asked what my son thought of the “Pinning Meeting” we attended a couple of Sunday nights ago. I feel secure when I see that man coming into a meeting. I don’t know why. Maybe because he is a granddad. Two newcomers were told to “stay back ” at the end of the meeting. I guess they give them phone numbers and literature. I was never given that list of numbers. I totally get it that men don’t hand out their phone numbers to women.
      Over and out!

    • #3183
      vera
      Participant

      Thanks for posting to my thread, Cathy.
      How is your son doing?
      GA may not be the best place for him to meet a GF , unless of course she was well established in recovery.
      The only thing you can do is stay focused on your own recovery. It seems selfish but when we get caught up in outside chaos it takes our peace.
      Do you ever come to the GT Groups for All Members?
      Maybe we will meet up there soon. One on this pm if it suits you, time wise.

    • #3184
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Cathy
      I said the Serenity Prayer last night following my group and I thought about you all those miles away.
      It is hard to remember our thoughts as we look back but I definitely did believe that the problem in my home was my fault entirely and that I was a rubbish human being. I too used to bite the bullet and try and broach the problem surrounding the home but of course the manipulative power of the addiction was something we didn’t have to tools to handle. A few confusing sentences and I was ready to believe anything again and so on and so on.
      This makes it hard to trust when recovery does actually kick in – and I found comfort in the words an old member wrote many years ago
      • Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.

      • Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.

      • Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.

      • Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.

      • Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.

      • Forgiveness isn’t easy.
      I have had to scoot across to Vera’s thread to find out what her reference to a GF meant and I’m glad I did.
      I have known CGs whose early steps to recovery have included a new relationship because it was a supposed step towards ‘normality’ – unfortunately I have seen and heard of too many who have struggled and failed. Recovery has to be selfish, the CG has to put him/her first and often there can be no room for the responsibility and caring of another – certainly not a new relationship where the GF requires a lot of care and understanding.
      With a long time healthy recovery the CG will have freed up more space inside his/her mind giving space to consider and enjoy things that the non-CG takes for granted. Personally I think it is a blessing when GFs and BFs don’t figure in the life of a recovering CG too early. GFs want attention and understanding, both of which a CG can ill afford to give as it removes the focus from the recovery.
      One of the biggest problems for CGs at the beginning of a gamble-free life is the void – what to do when the urge to gamble arises – a girl-friend or boyfriend could be felt to be an answer but I would argue it is only the answer when the void has been filled with things the CG has forgotten about or put on one side because of the addiction. Unless the CG has become more rounded, in my opinion, they can hardly be ready to add to a relationship as an equal.
      Your family, in the main, seems to have reached the happier state of acceptance which is great. I believe that ups and downs must invariably continue for a time and chaos can erupt but you have the tools to cope now. Nothing can change what has gone before, we are altered by the experience but in my opinion once the coping mechanisms are in place and the addiction is accepted for what it is, then families can move on to great things.
      Is it possible to talk about your son’s feelings of worthlessness? I think the elephant in the room is one of the biggest causes of our lack of communication but unfortunately if it is left to fester it only gets bigger. I stand guilty myself of having an elephant in the room with another person, not my CG, so I do understand – maybe we need to find a way to resolve this.
      As Always
      V

    • #3185
      vera
      Participant

      Thanks for your ongoing support on my thread, WM!
      I hope your son is still G free and living a better life.
      I could write a book on my son’s “issues”. He is not a CG. Same age as your son. The most recent thing is , he moved a lot of his baggage back to this house, left his dog here (at my behest-I couldn’t bear the think of the little animal being caught up in my son’s irregular life.) All we can do as mothers is offer advice, and let our sons find their own way through life. Gambling was my way of escaping from his craziness and my own, but that is not an option these days.
      I hope your Gamanon Group is thriving and that you are learning/teaching each other new skills , one day at a time.

    • #3186
      vera
      Participant

      Thanks for your on going support, Cathy
      Hope your son is doing well too?
      And yourself!
      3 hrs past my bed time
      Mind in overdrive….no gambling Thank God

    • #3187
      Soloma
      Participant

      I too am a mum to a 23 _24 year old cg . I have read this thread and nodded my head . He is starting to get things in place to hopefully help him. I too naively thought his gambling I found out about 18 months ago was sorted, I now know it isn’t. You all know the feelings ,thoughts, so I’m not going to write those here. What I want to ask because it is what I worry about..how do I know what he says is not a lie,a cover up. This to me is the hardest part of this journey,it is our natural reaction to trust and believe ,but when it’s been damaged like this ,how do we know .
      I hope all of you are doing well and healing

    • #3188
      vera
      Participant

      Touching base to say Hi, Cathy.
      Just read where you mentioned on another thread that your son is about 11 months free. Same as me!
      333 days to be exact.
      Every time I see a young guy in GA , I think “that could be Cathy’s son”!
      Yes, I agree we do have to distance ourselves from our grown children’s behaviour, which is extremely difficult for a mother. It can be especially heart breaking when your “child” is in trouble. My son is not a CG. I am, as you know, but he has “issues” that are similar to gambling. and can be AWOL for very long periods then just as I feel I’m beginning to cope, he springs up from nowhere and everything changes.
      I definitely agree that its all about the way WE as mother’s cope with this behaviour that affects our well being. As a CG, of course I took the obvious escape route until I realised that the “cure” was more harmful than the cause.
      It’s not about being selfish. Mother’s will always hold our “children” in our hearts but we sadly, cannot always hold the once chubby hands that we want to grip still.
      So, we surrender them to God, to the World or to Life depending on our beliefs.
      I think the key to dealing with a “wayward” child, is to first of all protect yourself, stop trying to change him or her and pray that God will bring them back, through the right people, to the right road. Many things are beyond our control.
      You might be interested to hear, Cathy, that I attended the very first Women’s GA group tonight.
      Keep on trying to see what works best.
      “God loves a trier”!!!!
      I hope you are doing well in your recovery , odaat.
      United we stand, dived we fall!

    • #3189
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Worriedmama,
      I read on Vera’s thread about how well your son is doing . I think it is very kind of you to post on the other forum and give hope to people who struggle with this . I can tell by your tone and how you describe your son that you are very much a loving mother and I hope you continue to enjoy your son’s recovery.
      You deserve it -parenting can be very difficult and when our kids are in pain it impacts on every part of our being. Your son will be in my prayers .

    • #3190
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Cathy
      Its good to see your thread at the top again. I still think of you every Tuesday as the group clocks off and I say the Serenity Prayer.
      It would be great one day if your time zone allowed us to talk in real time but in the meantime please keep posting and focusing on your life.
      It s funny how our thoughts cross the miles – Vera when she sees a young man in GA and me every Tuesday. There are many good things to celebrate as a result of this site and Gamanon..
      V

    • #3191
      mariairene
      Participant

      I’m 64yr old mum of 3. Middle son is a gambler – think he has been for a long time. He had total melt down this time last year when his wife left taking their 9 month old son. With the help of Mind Matters and his immediate family we got him through that. Financially he’s a complete mess but seemed to be coping (wrong!) he’s got 50-50 residency with his son, and a surprisingly amicable relationship with his ex wife. We thought he was coming through, he started a CBT course last week and then boom this week he has done it again all his salary and more! just don’t know how to help him. I’m angry and scared, trying to deal with his dad who feels crushed and cant accept it’s an illness – just wants to punish him. His siblings are fantastic, but he pushes them away all the time – it’s all me me me!! He’s lost touch will his friends, doesn’t socialise at all unless it’s with us. He’s holding onto his (really good) job by the skin of his teeth. Just need some advice please. He has stopped going to GA meetings because ‘he’s not like them’ I can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Just don’t recognise this person.

    • #3192
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Mariairene
      Please start you own thread and/or pop into the F&F group. All support is tailored to the specific problem. I can’t answer you on somebody else’s thread but I would be delighted to support you.
      Velvet

    • #3193
      vera
      Participant

      Hi Cathy!
      ‘Hope all is well with you and with your son?
      You asked on my thread if my son is a CG?
      I honestly have to say I do not know.
      He has been living a very secret life for quite a few years. Acting like some type of reclusive V.I.P./Big Shot/Celebrity who is not answerable for his actions to anybody. On his visits home (which are very rare) we are treated to his charming over indulgent gifts or a barrage of verbal abuse, aggression and general uproar. This has been the pattern for about seven years. Limits mean nothing to him. I haven’t seen him since November 28th, except for a brief conversation on Christmas night (he did a “no show” over Christmas-It was I who called him) when he was full of self pity and remorse for his own loss. ….Fast forward to March 1st, Ash Wednesday, when I got the “urgent call” from his brother……
      I would be vey surprised if he gambles but you never can tell. He HATED gambling with a vengeance and made no secret of how he felt about my gambling and will still dip my nose in it at every opportunity possible. He certainly lives way beyond his means. Spends money (when he has it) as if it’s going out of fashion (as I did) and is generous to a fault. He drinks to excess . Smokes a lot and most likely takes “high class” (sic) drugs. I’m guessing that is how he got hooked up with loan sharks and caused all this distress. He is ruthless. I am still in shock regarding his recent “debt”. He owes me and his father a lot of money. He hasn’t had the manners to even text or call us . Quite frankly I do not want to see him until I put all this hurt behind me and until he makes major changes in his life. He has ruled over our family for too long.
      Just pray for him please Cathy and thank you for your concern and support.

    • #3194
      vera
      Participant

      Thanks for posting to my thread, Cathy!
      ‘Hope you have come to terms with your son’s issues and that you are sticking to your own Recovery . It is up to your son to deal with his gambling problems . I hope he is getting his life back on track one day at a time. Some days are easier than others.

    • #3195
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Thank you Cathy for your post on my thread. It really helped so much more than you will ever know . I somehow pulled it together and attended a family event . I guess the worse thing we can do is hide away because in that way we continue to let the people in our life down- selfishness on top of selfishness.

      I hope all is going well with your son. I often check your thread for updates. Thank you again for taking the time to post to me.

    • #3196
      WorriedMumJo
      Participant

      Hi all mums with sons on here, its like reading a lot of my life and that of my sons right now. He is going through a very rough patch so his nightmare addiction ( which he cannot see) to online gambling has gone way way out of control. He has lost all his wage, all his bill money and all what he lent to cover this due this melt down. AT least me seeing in all this that my son and is behavior is so common with people with a compulsion to gamble. I am kind of feeling how its ruining my sons life and also my life right now. I am so worried for my lad. I can see though that I am not alone with this. Hope I am doing this properly as I am new….so sorry if my comment is the wrong response if you know what i mean

    • #3197
      vera
      Participant

      “It is in giving that we receive” Cathy
      but , we can give for the wrong reason too
      “””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””
      ( 691 days since my last bet)
      Thanks for posting to my thread

    • #3198
      vera
      Participant

      Thanks for your comment on my Thread, Cathy which incidentally, I’m not using at present.
      I have no need the “defend” GA.
      The evidence that it works for thousands of men and women world wide speaks volumes.
      It is based on ancient spiritual Principles .
      These never change, and can be adapted to believers and non believers alike.
      What are they?
      Truth.
      Honesty
      Humility
      Faith
      Hope
      and of course Charity.
      Opinions change. New ideologies come and go. People change. Others never change.
      GA is a unity programme. A Fellowship of men and women trying to put their lives in order by admitting powerlessness over gambling.
      Nobody is perfect in the groups. All equal. No pecking order.
      GA is not for everyone, certainly not for anyone who denies or rejects the aforementioned FACTS!
      I have no idea how it works. I surrendered and stopped analyzing.
      All I do know is I have not gambled since I attended meetings with an open mind since January 5th 2016.
      Last bet- December 28th 2015.
      I hope your son is thriving in recovery one day at a time, Cathy.

    • #3199
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Cathy
      I decided to come over and check out your thread.
      It seems to have been some time since you posted so I hope all is going well with you and your son.
      Xx

    • #3200
      potnoodle
      Participant

      Concerned father, who is now playing detective to try to ascertain the full extent of my Sons Gambling habit. Single father of 2 Children, Son aged 24 and Daughter aged 22. I currently reside some 20 miles away from my Son with my long term partner, she is aware of the developing situation but all other family members have no idea including my Daughter, his Sister. They are all oblivious, but should they stay that way? He is renting the apartment from me although i have not received any for the past 8 months or so. He is flirting from one job to another, so i have been cutting him some slack until his financial situation improves. He told me 2 months ago that he has gained employment as a fitness consultant with a well known gym, but he has since told me that was all a tissue of lies and so he is not working at present . I found out about my Sons life through battering him with questions and demanding answers, providing the said bank statements as proof of his ever spiraling gambling patterns. This was on Wednesday 30th of May 2018. I found out there was a GA meeting local to him and so we went along last night Thursday 31st May 2018 . They were kind enough to let me sit in and contribute verbally about my worries and concerns. It was a very emotional night to say the least and the horror stories from the other people at the meeting was mind blowing. My Son has promised to attend these meeting every week from now on, i on the other hand have been told i need to take a step back and he has to go of his own accord. Will he go? he promises me he will, he has read the booklets and intends to treat them like a bible. But people with CG are also compulsive liars and good at the game of deceit, so i have to trust him but keep a close eye on future developments My Son has become a stranger to me and i kind of blame myself as i should have kept a closer eye on him, i guess in hindsight i was deluding myself that everything was going to be alright. How wrong have i been !!! He did say a while back that he has been in a dark place and considered ending it all. The only reason he is still here is because he had a friend he confided in so he told me but he wouldnt elaborate. He did lose his Mum at a young age, he was 11 his Mum was 36. He is a very popular person and has lots of friends he does though suffer from confidence issues. He is a bright young Man and on the outside he seems fine, inside i think he is full of torment? angst? He does seem to be bottling things up. He has become a person i don’t recognize to an extent. He did go to see a doctor on my recommendation and they told him to come back if things deteriorated. So no referral was put in place for possible depression/anxiety. I am at my wits end as to know how to proceed. I had a nosy round the other day and found 3 months worth of photocopied bank statements that revealed he has spent over 4k on bet365 in the main £20-£25 a time with £150-£250 some days. He has though won roughly the same amount, which obviously is no consolation. Am i being too soft and should i resort to tougher cruel to be kind tactics??? I hate saying and thinking it but i dont believe a word at the moment especially after seeing the statements. I dont have contact details for his friends so that is a closed avenue. When i have confronted him about The Job situation, lack of rent money in the past he is so convincing and comes up with good excuses/reasons that when i leave him i feel satisfied that all is ok. Is he just a good liar? is this a trait he has developed. Have i been too stupid and in denial to the full extent of his issues, thinking and hoping that all will be fine. Not really sure how to go about dealing with this, is it something he has to admit to and admit he has a problem and thus want help. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR HIM AND ALWAYS WILL, and i tell him this all the time, is he ashamed, embarrassed or feel he has let me down and so he keeps the truth from me to avoid me being disappointed in him. As a Father i have always been open and honest with him and have pleaded with him to TALK TO ME in confidence, its just a one way street and he promises “things” are ok. Is it something i have done?, said?, not done?, not said ? My Daughter also has issues but her situation seems to have calmed down somewhat, she is now Married, works in The RAF lives in Swindon and her Husband who is very supportive keeps me informed. Both my Son and Daughter had differing reactions upon the death of there Mum. Curtis was angry and Leanne upset. There Mum was a difficult person to navigate around and she had many issues but she did the best she could, we had split up a year before her death and i remained an ever constant in there lives. Curtis’ Mum used to put him down regularly and call him names, your stupid, i hate you, i wish i never had you etc etc but none of this was said to Leanne at least while i was around. I still talk to C and L about there Mum, in a good light and dont treat the subject as taboo, we have pictures and memories of the better times. Your Mum would be proud of you etc etc. Ok, i think ive got a few things off my chest but still the problem of how to proceed? Not be judgmental and offer my help and support, but i am going into the unknown. Sorry the above is a bit of a ramble and all over the place!! Parenting eh!!! its an enriching experience!!! Yours Chris aka terrified Father….. or is that terrible Father ?

    • #3201
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Pot Noodle
      Please start your own thread. There is so much I want to say to you but it isn’t fair to use someone else’s thread.
      Your post must have taken a lot out of you so please copy and paste it in a new thread rather than writing it again,
      I didn’t notice any rambling; I found your post clear and understandable.
      Speak soon
      Velvet

    • #3202
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      Hi Chris

      Unfortunately youve made a fantastic first post on the bottoms of  worriedmamas thread… Were concerned you wont get the support you deserve posting here

      Could you start a new thread, Its simple just copy what youve written and use this link to start you own thread  in the friends and family forum where you will be supported 

      Kind Regards

      Harry

    • #3203
      i-did-it
      Participant

      Hi Cathy
      I am so pleased to read about the progress your son has made.
      He has a strong supportive mum behind him.
      It’s amazing how much life can change – sometimes when it seems thing will never get better.
      You deserve to be able to enjoy his recovery . Xx

    • #3204
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hey Cathy
      Please update for me, I think I have been missing some of your posts.
      Reading the previous reply on your thread, it looks as though your son is doing better but your last post in F&F was not so positive.
      Its a long battle I know. Is your son still going to GA? Are you still gong to Gam-Anon?
      Hoping to hear from you, you are in my thoughts
      Velvet

    • #3205
      worriedmama
      Participant

      In spite of the distance and the fact we have never met it is still so special and kind that you keep me in your thoughts 🙂

      Life with a CG is never dull. My son has hit many rock bottoms over the past few years with myself right along with him! I finally quit being his enabler (only took me 11 years!) and finally things started getting better only after they got incredibly bad.

      He finally reached out for help and ended up in a treatment facility for addictions (not specifically gambling) for 5 weeks. The change in him is nothing short of a miracle. Looking back I feel badly that it took us so long to let him fall… maybe this wouldn’t have gone on so long BUT for whatever reason we just weren’t ready.

      He continues to really work his program and I mine. I still have lots of work to do on myself … all of this has been a huge wake up call!

      Best wishes to all… both sides of this horrible addiction!

      Cathyx

    • #3206
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Cathy
      Taking so long for a parent to see what is in the best interest for their child could appear shocking to those who have not lived with the addiction to gamble but here we recognise that if your child owns that addiction he will do everything and anything to protect himself by hiding his torment and in doing so sadly protect his invasive and destructive addiction. As the long years pass and the child grows to be an adult, with the situation still hidden from view and unresolved, the parent can feel even more isolated and confused. I think you should be patting yourself on the back that you woke up in 11 years; it took me another 14.
      I also found that it had to get unbearably hard before it got better. If I look back, however, I still cannot see what I could have done differently – which is exactly what my son told me when he left rehab and determined to live a gamble-free life.
      I have found that working on me has been an interesting project and like you, I am still a work in progress. I do believe that the experience we have shared can be enormously productive in making all aspects of our lives better if we allow it. Successfully coming out the other side is surely a kick in the teeth for the addiction.
      I wish your son well; I am aware that my son still commits himself every day to live in control of his addiction and I trust that he will always do so. I don’t think we can ask for more.
      It was great to get an update. It is easy to keep you in my thoughts; we have a shared experience that means we understand each other regardless of distance and time.
      Velvet

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