[hema]

I made him signed in gamstop and gamban but he still he found his way to gamble. I am exhausted😞

[velvet]

Hello Hema

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Groups Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Hema

Well done writing your first post, I know how difficult it is especially when you are exhausted.

I am hoping you will post again and tell me a little more about yourself and your situation with your husband. Sharing with someone who understands can be rewarding – I know because it happened to me and nothing you say will surprise me.

Nobody can ‘make’ a gambler stop gambling and sometimes a gambler has to hurt himself enough before he will face his demons and change his life but true recoveries do start or I would not be writing to you now.

You matter Hema, you are unique and special but sadly you are also exhausted. You need to recover and I know you can do it.

It would be great if you were to join me in the Friends and Family group where we can communicate in real time, it is private and safe. Nothing said in the group appears in the forum. The group times are 7pm to 8pm on Tuesdays and 10pm -11pm on Thursday, I would love to welcome you.

Please keep posting and sharing and hopefully between the two of us you can find some answers and peace of mind.

Velvet

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by velvet.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by velvet.

[lind]

Hi Hema

I can totally relate to the exhaustion.
It’s difficult trying to take care of yourself whilst trying to prevent what’s happening elsewhere.
If they want it they will find it. I was told many tricks and I figured if he wasn’t rushing to sign up to these great ideas maybe he didn’t want to. I put a block on gambling sites with my internet provider but if he want he can still use his own network data or go to the bookies etc
Hope you can find some time to take care of yourself
Lind

[hema]

Hi velvet,

Is there nothing we can do something to stop him?

[velvet]

Hi Hema

Please tell me more about yourself and your husband.

Do you have children?

Are you in debt?

Is your husband moody or aggressive?

Does he know he has a problem?

Does he tell lies?

Do you have family and/or friends to support you?

How old is he?

It makes it easier to support you if I have a clearer picture of your situation.

There is nothing you can do to make him stop but there are ways to cope with someone who has an addiction.

The more I know, the better I can support you.

Speak soon

Velvet

[hema]

Thank you velvet,

Yes I have 2 children one is 4 and elder one is 7. My husband is 44 years old. He works in construction company, earn a decent money. I helped him to pay his half of his debts as he said he need my support and he will give me control over his finances. He self excluded in gamstop and installed gamban on his mobile. We applied for IVA. Everything was going fine until he has to change his phone and i forgot ro to remind him install gamstop. I was counselled by gamcare as well. It was going fine from feb 2021 to july 2021 and suddenly he started to hide his mobile and I couldn’t find my gold jewellery and he asking me more cash when I gave him my card with controlling him from my app no cash withdrawal and no gambling from that card. He made excuses for cash saying he has to buy for company and if pay cash hw saves tax.

Few days ago he confessed he gambled and requested me to pay some urgent debts which he took from his colleagues. Basically, emptied his account paying them all. I paid rest from my wages which is not much.

He again said give him his card and transfer £100 on it and it will be sufficient for him and same day he withdraw cash and I won’t know what he did with those money but he defended saying he has to pay for stuff for office.

Today again asking money for his fuel. He opened new account with another bank which I can’t access.

He said he went to machine but how can he allowed if he gamstop for 5 years?? I am hopeless as he ask with his colleagues and later asked me to pay them. He is controlling indirectly although its with me. He says he is not gambling anymore but I don’t trust him as he lied so many times just in these few days. He says he has no addiction and he can stop if he wants but I think he is in denial. How can I stop him?

[velvet]

Hi Hema

You write that he ‘gave you control of his finances’ but in actuality he did not, you are merely holding his money until he demands it.

With regards to your jewellery or anything else that is precious to you, I suggest you keep it somewhere that he has no knowledge about. I think you are saying that he has stolen your gold jewellery from you and if he has, then I suspect he could do it again.

If he is willing to talk about changing his life then ask him to go back to Gamstop and inform them that he successfully used a cash machine. Your husband needs to take responsibility for his actions if he is interested in being gamble-free.

Remind him to renew Gamban on his phone and remind him of why he did it in the first place. Let him know that you are suggesting these things because he said he wanted support and you are trying to give it.

Maybe you could ask him what he wants you to do to support him. It is easy to slip into pleading and arguing about a gambling addiction but it doesn’t solve anything. Perhaps you could tell him that you want to support him but you can’t unless he helps you understand.

Please make sure that every day you do things that please you. It might not seem a lot but spending 24 hours a day worrying about a loved one’s gambling is soul destroying and helps no-one, least of all yourself and your children. Your husband will not stop gambling because you are worrying, it will merely wear you out and achieve nothing.

There is no such thing a crystal ball Hema but please do not give up hope. I will walk with you for as long as you want me to. I do know that your husband can learn to control his addiction or I wouldn’t be writing to you, although, sadly he has to want to do so.

I have brought my thread entitled The F&F Cycle up to the top for you, maybe it will help.

Please keep posting and maybe we can find the words or whatever it takes to help you cope.

Velvet

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by velvet.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by velvet.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by velvet.

[hema]

Thank you and yes worrying doesn’t help but when you know he is gambling away after loan from others makes me crazy that even after knowing everything I can’t stop him until one day he apologise and ask me to pay his debts 😩. Wish I could do something to stop him or this gamstop is not effective at all 😥. I wish the lawmakers bring some policy or act to help problem gamblers as they cannot think rationally and keep loosing money. I am so desperate to come out of this loop.

[velvet]

Hi Hema

I have also known the sadness of being driven crazy by gambling and I was also told the importance of looking after myself. It never seemed an adequate solution and of course it isn’t in itself. How could it stop my loved one gambling? Well of course, it didn’t – but what it did do was help me to cope and gave me the strength to make good decisions that were right for me and ultimately right for him.

Gambling has been around for ever and will always be – there will always be people who recognize the vulnerability of addicted gamblers and who use it for their own ends.

Many people enjoy gambling and it doesn’t harm them or their loved ones; they do it responsibly and can walk away equally from wins and losses. Sadly, for some, this is not the case. Your husband will not want to be a compulsive gambler, no man would ever choose to be. It is not his fault or yours that he has this problem. He would probably love nothing more than to enjoy a gamble and then walk away and think no more about it.

You and I will change nothing in the great scheme of things but what we can do is not let gambling destroy us. If we allow it to pull us down then it has won and that is not something I am prepared to let happen and I hope you will feel the same.

You can make a difference by being strong, gaining knowledge of his addiction and coping. Nobody can tell you it will be easy but it is easier when are in control of your own life. If you give your husbands addiction control of your life then you cannot save yourself or your children.

Ask him to help you support him; ask him what he wants you to do when you are looking after the finances and he demands money. Help him to realise that you need support too.

Please keep posting and maybe drop into an F&F group so we can ‘talk’ in real time.

Velvet

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by velvet.

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