8 August 2016 at 9:27 am #4818twhParticipant
Hi everyone, please bear with me as my story may be a little long. I hope you can read this till the end and give me the advice that you think I need.
To start off, just some background info on me and my boyfriend. Im 21 this year and he’s 28. We started dating in Nov 2014 and have been together ever since. He starting gambling on football way before we got together, but it wasn’t too much of an issue then. Also, I never knew about his gambling habits only until we were 3 months into our relationship.
So basically, he gambles, loses, borrows money from bookies, then gambles again, and loses again, and then owes these bookies money, and then borrow more money to pay them back. It is a vicious cycle that never ends. He made promises to stop, but he also broke those promises. It has happened so many times that I feel pretty much immune to the pain. He did seek help at a gambling support group but he has since stopped attending the sessions. He owes relatives lots of money and also owes his supervisor at work. His supervisor was kind enough to lend him a hefty amount of almost $50,000 to return these bookies and my boyfriend is now paying his supervisor back by giving him all of his salary every month. It will take at least another year for the repayment to be done.
My boyfriend hence doesn’t have much money to gamble on now so he can only deal with the fact, even though he gets upset. He is upset that he is working so hard for nothing as every single cent of his pay is given to his supervisor. He doesnt gamble as often as he does in the past now, even though I know he wants to, and he totally would gamble if he had money.
What I am worried about is that – when he gets his pay back, what if he spends every single cent on gambling..? What about my future, our future?
To be honest, my boyfriend is a nice and caring guy. Even though he needs money, he has never asked me for money before (even though I lent his family on a few occasions on my own accord, cause they were trying really hard to survive) He also tries his best to pay for my meals occasionally, on the mere $20 his father gives him a day. He is apologetic that he has caused our relationship to turn out like that and for the number of heartaches he has caused me.
I forgive him over and over again because I choose to believe that he will one day change for the better. But it has been almost 2 years since we’ve been together, and he still thinks of gambling to win money as he’s tired of the poor life he’s leading. I dont understand.. I can do so much for him, but why cant he choose me over gambling?
He doesnt think he needs help either, at this juncture. He thinks he’s fine as he claims that he only feels like gambling when he is poor. I think that is an excuse though.
What should I do..? I want a happy future with him but I am afraid that it will not happen and I am only wasting my time. But i love him too much to leave him, it’s just so so painful and no one feels my pain because no one knows about this. Help. Please 🙁8 August 2016 at 10:16 am #4819DuncKeymaster
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, youll find the times for these if you click on the Group times box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself youll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and theyll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If youre the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isnt connected with GMA, please dont identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
Youll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which youll follow, some you wont…but thats ok because only you fully understand your
situation and whats best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you dont because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our8 August 2016 at 4:30 pm #4820velvetModerator
Welcome from me to GT, your story was not long so it was easy to reach the end – well done writing it.
Giving cash to a CG (compulsive gambler) is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic so I am interested in why your boyfriend’s father gives him $20 a day because this is definitely not a mere amount to give to an active gambler.
It is a shame that your boyfriend’s supervisor enabled your boyfriend’s addiction when he ‘lent’ him money to cover gambling debts. The addiction to gamble is demanding and this action, which you deemed ‘kind’ was sadly nothing of the kind. I sincerely hope he gets all his money back because CGs need to gamble and repayment of debts is always something that is resented because it gets in the way of further gambling.
I am concerned that you lent his family money and suggest to you that lending money is often a mistake. It was obviously a caring act that meant you lent this money which tells me you are a very caring person and ‘caring’ is a quality that CGs value in their loved ones. I am really glad to read that your boyfriend has never asked you for money and I hope this means you have never lent him, or given him, any either.
I understand why you forgive your boyfriend but I am afraid forgiveness is the last thing he needs. As an active CG he will always be poor; his addiction means he will always lose unless and until he seeks treatment, so he will always be chasing his debts and owing more and more. The addiction to gamble gets worse, never better, without treatment. His apologies and tears count for nothing unless he seeks real help. Don’t allow yourself to be immune to the pain, it is the pain that will keep you on your toes and help you make the informed decisions that are right for you.
It is important for you to understand that you cannot save your boyfriend. This is no reflection on you; it is true or everybody who loves a CG. Only the CG can save himself and he has to want to do so. The person you should be considering most is yourself – I think it is very important that you learn as much as possible about the addiction to gamble because knowledge will give you power over it.
Compulsive gambling has nothing to do with money, it is all about the ‘gamble’ and to help you understand a little more, I have brought up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’.
I hope you have a supportive family and friends. It is important that you keep your friends, your interests and your hobbies and that you don’t lost yourself in his addictive world.
I think you are right when you wonder if your future will be happy – it is very mature of you to realise that your happiness is threatened by this addiction.
I suggest you keep posting here and reading other threads. I wouldn’t be writing to you now if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but it takes tremendous courage and determination on the part of the CG. There has to be tremendous understanding and courage from those who love them too if a relationship is to have any hope of success.
Velvet1 January 2017 at 11:43 pm #4821Iceqwn7Participant
I am currently in the same boat as you… your story made me tear up bc it’s like looking into a mirror. My boyfriend has told me that he will work on it and wants a quick fix. I too am scared about my future with him. Are things going better? I am trying to educate and learn from everyone’s stories. Thanks. Hope all is well
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