[gvralls]

Hello Friends. I met a 52 year old lady “Nguyen” four months ago. She’s gorgeous, fit, sexy, a wonderful cook, we get along magnificently, and we just spent two months on vacation together (much of it in her native Vietnam, where she escaped by boat in 1987 then resettled in Canada). Nguyen married young and had kids. During her marriage a new casino opened up and she learned how to play blackjack. That would have been in the 1990s. She and her husband became gamblers and she played “heavy”, being the owner of a business that was making a lot of cash. Her marriage ended and she hooked up with “Frank” a casino friend and he made great money in aerospace but gambled every bit of it. Frank had a heart attack and recovered (though today he’s destitute and living in a car in Florida, a sad life to say the least). In the meantime Nguyen hooked up with “Darren”. Darren was a gambling addict in the purest form. I’ve heard stories about him that make my hair stand on end. He’d sell anything to get money to gamble. Every last penny he’d lose. He’d even sell construction services then gamble away down payments customers made for materials. I can’t think of a worse person to be around my kids than this Darren, but my girlfriend kept him around for a few years before they split. After Darren, along came “Robert” who didn’t gamble at all, and from what I can tell he was a nice guy. Robert took her in along with two teenage kids. Nguyen says she never loved him from the start, but stayed there for six years. He took her hiking, kayak, concerts, Vegas, etc. She says they’d fight all the time. During the last three years of being with Robert, she says they didn’t sleep together, never had a good sex life either. Nguyen spent the last three years with Robert gambling away $100,000 that she had from the sale of a home, and ALL the money she earned at a nail salon (actually makes good money there). I am guessing here, but from what I can surmise Nguyen needed to go to the casino so she’d manufacture arguments with Robert which allowed her to leave home and spend all evening at the blackjack table. I could be wrong. Nguyen moved out of Robert’s place and into a shared house with a roommate, about a year ago, and she’s still there. She dated awhile before meeting me but says she’s super picky and all the guys she’d met didn’t match. As soon as we met, Nguyen wanted to move quickly, and swore that I was the perfect match. We do have a very special relationship, as her physical beauty is incomparable and, after all, we traveled like a perfectly happy married couple 24 hours a day for 8 weeks. She’s adventurous and loves to travel just like me. We live about 5 hours apart by car. When we’re together she never turns down a chance to go to casino. I have to admit, at the start I was enamored to be with a professional card player. She’s very good but never walks away with much winning. I can see in her someone who can’t control her gambling. When she’s with me it’s always $200 and when that gets lost we leave. Otherwise she can win $300 or $400 and I tell her let’s get the heck out of there and call it a victory. I don’t like sitting around a card table staring & wondering what the next card will be. Total waste of time and not improving my life one bit. When we were on vacation, there were no casinos so we did not play at all. She seems fine to live a life without gambling, but where I live there is always a casino nearby and I’m afraid that this woman will ultimately cause financial ruin. I’ve worked hard all my life and got lucky here and there and now own a few properties and would be considered well-off financially. Based on your experience, will Nguyen lead me down a road I don’t want to go? Isn’t it interesting that she’s already seen gambling destroy lives, including her own financial devastation, but she still walks through casino doors beaming with excitement? Any feedback is highly appreciated.

[vera]

…Is what I would be saying , except this site doesn’t tell people what decisions to make. We do that ourselves…
From your description of the lovely Nguyen, she is a raving CG (Compulsive gambler!) Just like me. Unfortunately I don’t have her physical attributes but I sure could match her manipulative skills any day and I would have a great eye for the guys who could enable me when I wanted to gamble.
We are all grown adults here and as you know we are told “love is blind” . I disagree with that statement. I actually think “love is clear sighted” . Addiction is what blinds us. I do know that. Look at yourself man. You might be as addicted to Nguyen as she is to the card tables.
That’s my tuppence worth. No judgement intended.
It is NO surprise at all that your lovely lady will breeze through casino doors regardless of previous experiences. That’s what CGs do. The human mind has a mechanism that wipes bad memories swiftly away, to allow for the next fix.
It’s up to you whether you want to be cleaned out or not . CGs are experts in that field and when we finish with one enabler, we move on to the next.
My advice (even though you only asked for feedback) would be to keep your cash ‘n cards under lock ‘n key.
Just sayin’!
Look after YOU.
Keep posting!

[gvralls]

Thanks, I really enjoyed reading your response. She is probably a raving CG. I often wondered why she could go BACK to the place with such enthusiasm after being wrecked financially in the same venue. You must be right about the mind being able to erase bad memories. She’s told me about the $1000 limit on her debit card, the times she left feeling stupid after losing it all, only to go back again and again. It’s the stories I’ve heard about her ex, Darren, that really cause worry because it proves there is zero limit to the lows one can go in order to support the habit. On par with a meth addict. And her ex Frank was apparently in charge of designing complicated engine parts, got paid well into six figures for years, but routinely lost $10,000 a night and now lives in a car, ailing health and zero funds after pawning his last few possessions.

She’s told me many times that if we are together she wants all of the money under my name. I suppose that is one way for her to limit the damage, which apparently she knows is beyond her control.

Nguyen is a very hard worker and has owned several very profitable enterprises, and today has zero to show for it. Her looks are on the level of being a movie star, one wonders how Mother Nature could bestow on one person perfect eyes, nose, lips, teeth, ears, arms, breasts, legs, the whole package. At 5’4″ and 110 lbs, and as I write this she’s in the gym exercising. She doesn’t like restaurants because a quick trip to the supermarket and 30 minutes in the kitchen she can whip together a meal that would stun the tastebuds of anyone. In bed, she lives up to every expectation.

I plan to keep traveling with her. On the road she’s the most wonderful companion in every respect, and keeps an wise eye on finances.

One thing I notice is that when she loses at the card table she’s always blaming it on someone. “the other guy at the table didn’t know how to play! he held at 13 when the dealer showed a queen, that was his 6 that gave the dealer a 20 to beat my 19”. It’s always someone else’s fault due to some convoluted conspiracy otherwise she’d have walked out a winner.

[Dunc]

<

Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and  terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
  

[velvet]

Hi Gvralls
You posted for advice and you got a terrific reply from Vera who is a self-confessed CG and who gave you a more honest opinion about the pitfalls of Nguyen’s addiction than you will receive from anybody else.
You now write that you are planning on keeping on travelling with her and I am at a loss to understand why having been so clearly advised of the dangers.
It’s an old adage but ‘beauty is only skin deep’ and in my world that means that it has no relation to goodness being found underneath. As a person who does not have the addiction to gamble I would not be tempted to put my life at risk just because someone had the look of a god and could cook manna from heaven. The fact that Nguyen works hard is not uncommon with this addiction as she needs money to gamble and feed her first love.
I hope you will keep posting but please look after yourself and ensure that your finances are well protected as your investments are almost certainly very attractive to a CG.
I wish you well
Velvet

[gvralls]

It’s a relatively new relationship but I don’t see it going long term given the gambling. I suppose I could end it right now, tell her that I can’t move forward with a gambler, but at this stage of my life I want to travel and enjoy some of the money I saved up. I can’t think of a better person to go with. She’s not tied down to work, a wonderful companion, and traveling alone is no fun at all. I’m planning to take her to Japan for a few weeks and hike Mt Fuji, a trip I’ve always dreamed of. Then if all goes as I hope it does, additional travel to other countries in SE Asia through summer and fall.

She could be scheming to manipulate me in order to support her gambling addiction, but it doesn’t seem that way because on overseas travel we aren’t visiting casinos. She could be along with me to get a free ride and see the world, but “so what”. It doesn’t cost much extra for two, given we share the hotel etc.

Perhaps I’m the one manipulating the entire relationship, but I think it works for both of us.

One question: given her long history of losing money in casinos, and choosing two rampant gambling addicts to live with in former relationships, as well as the fact that she’s dragging me along into casinos now — is there any chance (no pun intended) that she can settle down with me and not lose thousands of dollars in a casino again? According to her, there was a two year period, not long ago, when she didn’t go to casino. She also says that casinos are simply fun entertainment and if I am with her she’ll swear to keep her losses at $200. Funny that because a few weeks ago she’d lost $100 and I said let’s go. She said just $100 more “I can win it back”. I said ok then watched her put $200 on the table (which she lost).

She has a type of “honesty oath” with me, such that she won’t lie if I ask her a question or make a statement. Whenever I’ve mentioned that her gambling is a big concern to me, rather than refute it she just seems to agree. As if she knows she can’t control it.

When I was married for 20 years, my wife always contributed to the finances. I appreciated that, though my wife gained weight, didn’t take care of herself or the house, and never wanted to leave the house. I get the impression that Nguyen, who takes really good care of herself and keeps a clean home, loves adventure, and would work and gamble away her own paycheck, never buying anything for our shared expenses. Perhaps I can find someone who fits every desire. In the meantime I’m content to be with Nguyen despite this raging compulsion to gamble.

[vera]

There is “give and take” in every relationship, Gvralls. However, CGs tend to take more than we give (in monetary terms). We will give all that is required on other levels to keep our habit fed.(That attitude also pertains to many, besides CGs, of course but I will limit my comments to CGs, for now)
If I have read you posts correctly, you give. She takes!
That can lead to all sorts of problems further along in the relationship as I’m sure you well know.
One thing crossed my mind when you said your GF never visits casinos when you are travelling. That is not at all unusual for a CG. Personally, I only gambled in “comfort zones” and at times when I knew I would have unlimited time without being asked “can we leave now”.
The question I would ask “Is she gambling on line during those trips?” Very possible these days with modern technology. “Dry” gambling is another way a CG gets a “fix”.
Also, if she admits to having a gambling problem, has she ever considered looking for help? If not, why not?
If I hadn’t had enablers in my life, I would have stopped gambling years ago. People who thought they were helping me were in fact preventing me from seeking the help I badly needed.
Every gambler needs an enabler. Not just to finance our problem, but also to condone our actions . When you have somebody sitting beside you in a casino, it makes it look like fun, but the reality is, a CG will most likely resent the intrusion. It just serves as a cover. Most CGs want to gamble alone.
One thing for sure, is when a CG crosses the line into compulsive gambling, there is no going back . We can never play “normally” again. Lots of CGs make the mistake that we can control our gambling. I did that for years.It is impossible.
Another proven fact is that a CG never wins.
That is the nature of Compulsive Gambling.
It took me a few spins on a machine to make me realize I could get a few easy “wins”. I even knew I would most likely lose that money back, but it was only when I sat at a GA meeting , listening to hundreds of stories of lost lives and looked into the eyes of other gamblers, only to see my own reflection, that the proverbial penny dropped and the awareness hit me hard.
Only then, did I realize that there is no point in sitting like a zombie, ever again, for up to 15 hours every day that I could arrange to have cash to fund my habit, like a dog chasing his tail …..WHY??
because CGSs NEVER WIN!
Is your GF in denial about the seriousness of her problem? She seems to have some control over her life still, as I did for years. I managed to work 12 hour shifts, giving it my all. Often worked 7 nights in a row and never thought of gambling but a CG gets super human energy knowing there is an incentive at the end of a long working stint. We become compulsive about other things besides gambling. At the back of my mind I knew that after a long stint of duty, my “lover” would be waiting for me with open arms. Ha! “He” was always ready to chew me up and spit me out-the story never changed.
Compulsive gambling is a complex problem and very few CGs get to the bottom of it. I wasted years trying to find out WHY I gambled and the only answer I came up with was “Why not?”
The facts that have been established in your case , Gvralls, is that you have been swept off your feet by this wonderful woman who has the ability to make life exciting in many ways (I hear you on the joy of having a travelling companion; it makes all the difference. Bring me. if this falls through LOL!!!)
She also has the potential to ruin you. Never lose sight of that.
This F and F Forum is for “victims” of gambling. Focusing on YOU is the main purpose of this thread. The only reason I’m writing here is to give some feedback and pointers . When I read your original post I felt as if I was looking at a person recklessly crossing a busy street, about to be hit by a speeding vehicle and my gut reaction was to grab him.
You will get lots of support from F and F posters GV but from the CG aspect “it takes one to know one”!
On a positive note , perhaps, in meeting you, your GF has found an opportunity to turn her life around.
If you refuse to go to the casino with her, be honest and tell her about this site. Invite her to join the “other side”on GT. Go to GA or attend counselling. Read the GA Twenty Questions with her to let her know you are there to be of assistance to her recovery. That’s the best thing you can do for her. (Forget the sweet talk. CGs excel in that area!) What she needs now is tough love!
Refuse to give her money. Ask her to share the expenses for outings and trips. In other words , refuse to enable her.
With your support she may decide to take her gambling seriously and start a new life.
You, cannot take one step for her. She needs to do that for herself.
Your recovery revolves around the decisions you make , not what she does,
Remember one thing though. When we take the “drug”, we always suffer the “hangover”!

[gvralls]

“On a positive note , perhaps, in meeting you, your GF has found an opportunity to turn her life around.”

Thanks for that quote. I have a cousin with severe alcoholism and nothing could stop him. When I met Nguyen and figured out her addiction to gambling soon after, my attitude was that I couldn’t deal with it and we would be doomed for the long term because I couldn’t stop anybody else’s addiction.

She does work really long hours to make money for gambling. The funny thing is if you’re married to a CG that just means you suffer on both ends. At one end the workaholic isn’t home spending special moments together. A the other end, all the earnings from the long hours are squandered sitting at a zombie table waiting for the next random card.

Through our travels I never spoke to her in any type of demeaning terms. I wanted to be the one person in her life that didn’t beg her to stop gambling. I know her entire family has tried and tried and tried (so I’ve been told). That theme runs common here in this forum, as I’ve read several threads.

There seems to be no way for CG to stop, no possible way for them to have any money saved, ever.

She doesn’t use online gambling. Thankfully she’s someone that doesn’t look at her smart phone much at all.

Nguyen does, however, take take take and she thinks of herself first. I noticed that early on, and I see other commenters mentioning the same thing. The CG ruins the lives of those around him/her, then hits rock bottom only to focus all conversation around their problems not what they’ve caused others to suffer. It’s a dastardly addiction.

I’ll see her tonight and plan to mention all I’ve read here, and prepared to be a “tough love” person at this point.

Thanks for your kind comments.

[lily]

Hi gvralls,

Like you I am in love with a compulsive gambler and he was very honest about this from the start when I met him 17 years ago. He tried to protect me from his addiction he explained to me that he ruined people who came into contact with he was bad news. we had a brief holiday romance (10 months) during which he kept me safe although many of our activities did revolve around gambling (which I never took part in). We remained friends and some years later he turned up on my doorstep wanting to quit, I supported him with this and helped him get residential treatment. Unfortunately he couldn’t at the time fully shake the addiction so we went our separate ways once more. Roll on another 7 years and we are back together, he is in recovery and we live separately but have a great relationship.

During all of these experiences it has only been the gambling that put a dampener on our relationship. Although it did affect his moods he has always tried to protect me from its fall out though, I believe that is because somewhere deep down he truly loved me even then (as much as a CG can). This has not been the case in all his relationships however and unfortunately the drive to gamble is number one 99% of the time and people do get taken advantage of.

Given your partners history, the fact you have children and your obviously superior financial position coupled with the fact she shows no desire to stop I would be VERY wary of this especially as she has already ruined at least one man.

Aside from all that you said:

‘Nguyen does, however, take take take and she thinks of herself first. I noticed that early on, and I see other commenters mentioning the same thing. The CG ruins the lives of those around him/her, then hits rock bottom only to focus all conversation around their problems not what they’ve caused others to suffer. It’s a dastardly addiction.’

Ask yourself why you would want to have a relationship with a woman who thinks only of herself? Even if she agreed to quit today it would be a long road, mine was 17 years. Someone who is starting treatment will not be the fun person you describe, it is hard work, there are lots of ups and downs, there are triggers to be avoided, lies to deal with, the relationship needs to be rock solid to survive.

I am lucky to have the man I feel in love with now ‘clean’ and emotionally in a good and giving place but there are a lot of restrictions that come with that too, protecting my money, being mindful and understanding and always keeping communication open. The relationship with a CG even in recovery has to be exceptional from both sides, they have to want to change for them, they have to be prepared to work on themselves and change and so do you.

Personally, I would take the great holiday and the great memories you have of the experience and back away. If there is more there perhaps like with me things will change in the future but of course it is up to you.

Lily x

[gvralls]

Thanks a lot Lily for your very thoughtful and kind response.

I do need to back away. Not sure how far back, but this forum is a great resource to help me understand what im getting myself into.

Ok I just spent two days with Nguyen. Here are some thoughts, if a bit controversial. I’ll share them anyway.

I told Nguyen that I’d read stories online shared by loved ones of gamblers. The common thread of the CG putting gambling as their First Love. The fact that CG only care about themselves. They hurt all people around them, but don’t care. They only focus on themselves. I said Nguyen I see this behavior in you. I saw it during our travels, and I see it now. I think she agreed, it’s a good point.

Nguyen already banned herself from all casinos n her area. They took her picture as part of a program to let people opt out.

At her nail salon they gamble small money all the time, Among themselves at break.

She disagrees that CG are always broke. In her community of Vietnamese, there are raging CG who own homes, and successful companies. I wonder if there is a cultural angle on this. Perhaps those of European ancestry, like myself, are particularly inclined to overstep all sensible reason when it comes to gambling, yet Asians lose control too but are better able to keep it in check.

[lily]

You said ‘She disagrees that CG are always broke. In her community of Vietnamese, there are raging CG who own homes, and successful companies. I wonder if there is a cultural angle on this’

Have you done any research into this or is it, as I suspect, what she has told you? Gamblers are good at making themselves an exception when still being led by the addiction. Lily x

[vera]

Compulsive gambling is a cross cultural issue. Lots of people of all nationalities gamble, but if they are compulsive gamblers, regardless of nationality, I can bet a pound to a pinch of sugar that their wealthy homes and businesses won’t last too long because in the end, gambling takes EVERYTHING!
CGs love to give the “Big Shot” impression so maybe your GF falls for their fake wealth. When I was losing my month’s salary and up to my neck in debt, I borrowed money from high interest lenders to pay debts, buy lavish Christmas/ Birthday presents, to put people off the G scent and give the impression that I was loaded. I loved flashing money around and the reality was, it was all borrowed. We tend to fool ourselves and others to make things appear normal. Pride prevents us from admitting we are broke. Underneath that facade there lies a lot of loneliness, pain and turmoil. CGs would win an Oscar for our prize performances.
CGs also live in a Fool’s Paradise , Gvralls. Don’t allow yourself to be sucked in.
As for putting ourselves first, I know lots of very selfish people who never gambled in their lives but they are “me, myself, I”people through and through . I have met many, many CGs, well established in recovery who are extremely unselfish and who now spend their lives making amends to the families and friends who were hurt by their gambling and helping other CGs.
We need to make a clear distinction here between a CG in action and a CG in Recovery.
If I were in your shoes, I would set up barriers as we discussed. Spell out the terms and conditions to your GF. Don’t expect her change over night. If you enjoy her company doing healthy/fun things together, that’s fine but you need to set clear limits e.g. going to a casino with her is like spooning sugar into a diabetic’s mouth. It’s a no go area for you. Giving her money is out. Colluding with her illusions won’t help either of you. Allowing her to talk too much about gambling is out too. She has other outlets for that. Why can’t she start a Thread here on GT?
Look after your own assets. Keep your own friends and family close. Enjoy the friendship. Keep it simple and keep the communication open. Try not to see her as the “one and only” in your life. Sorry to say it, but she comes well flagged!
PS. I know quite a few Asian people. Some wouldn’t dream of gambling. Ever. A few are, like me, full blown CGs. In my experience they do tend to put themselves first. I put that down to the fact that they often have 3 generations relying on them financially ” back home”. Money is their ticket to “happiness”.
Gambling in the work place is not uncommon. Staff in most places club in to do the Lotto. I used to say “I don’t do Lotto because it’s waste of time and money” It is an easy cop out though if a CG wants to gamble; they can twist that around and pass it off as an innocent bit of fun that “everyone enjoys”.
The bottom line , Gvralls, is that YOU need to decide what you want from this relationship and only you can set the boundaries to prevent it ending in tears.
Keep posting!

[gvralls]

Hi. Appreciate your response. You’re probably right about the people who own stores and homes, and gamble at the same time (apparently daily) are living on borrowed time.

Nguyen told me she doesn’t want to go into casinos, that is why she had herself banned. But she has spoken excitedly about going to Vegas or casinos near my home, which is out of the boundaries of where she banned herself.

I think her addiction caused enormous problems for her financially, which is particularly painful because at one time she had loads of money. She had gold, diamonds, pocket loads of cash, helped her family with $50k loans here and there (those family members used the money and are prospering). At one point she left an infant daughter in the care of a friend and went on some sort of 3 month binge with one of the gamblers I mentioned above. I know she regrets many things but through it all her kids are actually doing very well and love her dearly. One of her kids has an incredible professional status that I won’t mention but it’s something that one has to study for 12 years to attain. Sometimes the worst parenting ironically is an impetus for kids to thrive.

Nguyen is in a low spot but tries to keep good spirits. She and I share laughs, I know I’m really good for her and she cherishes me for more than just to take and get a chance to wiggle back into a gambling scenario. Who knows. I’m planning to take her along on two big trips overseas in May and again in July. I really feel like my life is a lot better with her, but as you said the boundaries need to be in place. She is well flagged as you said.

I really really appreciate the comments here. Thank you.

[vera]

As a matter of interest, GV, has your GF got debt?
Taking her away from her gambling routine will certainly serve to break her habit. I believe it is necessary to break the habit as well as overcoming the compulsion.
Yes, it is amazing how “kids” thrive through adversity. I’m glad they love their mother still . I’m sure their dad had an input in their success too.
If I can stop gambling there is no reason to believe your GF can’t do likewise.
Please do all you can to avoid enabling her.
The best way to do that is to safeguard your own possessions and not become addicted to her charms.

[gvralls]

Nguyen has debt on a car and I think about $10k to a tax authority, which is paid monthly. Not too severe. Initially I thought she could owe some sketchy gangster types due to gambling but I don’t think so.

I care about her so very much. Maybe there’s a compulsion among those who fall in love with gamblers, to get fixated on helping them. Not sure why but I love her even though I probably should find someone else who isn’t 30 years into a casino addiction.

The guarded side of me, my gut instinct in fact, is telling me that she’s manipulating me to get her hooks onto my assets. But she likely knows I wouldn’t fall for any scheme that drains me financially. Given her past, I would be extra vigilant to keep what I have in my name. She does desire to open her own business, with my backing, but she’s a hard worker and knows how to earn. Not a huge risk there in the big picture. She also suggests that I always hold the money not her.

She tends to talk and act in ways that demonstrate her number one concern is herself. Not a giver when it comes to emotional support, but on other things like cooking and sensual affection she can’t be beat. I doubt I’ll ever have that with someone else. Perhaps that’s all part of her plan. Who knows.

[Anonymous]

Hi Gvralls..

Do you think Frank aspired to end up living in his car in Florida?

I find this thread absolutely jaw dropping. You are, in my opinion, treading on very thin ice.

If great sex and good food are more important to you than your financial and emotional health, then you are a lucky man. It’s quite obvious to me, and probably to many others, that this lady is taking you for a ride. You more or less admit this in your above post. The fact that you would even consider opening a business for her is quite astounding.

You asked in your very first post if Nguyen was going to lead you down a road you didn’t want to go. I would suggest you’re already part of the way down that road, but it seems to me that you’re happy to be there.

Addiction is a powerful thing, as is love. They can both distort reality. Nobody asks for addiction in their lives, neither the addict or their loved ones. Nguyen needs help but until she realises this she won’t start to look. I don’t think she’ll realise this until people stop enabling her.

You say in one of your posts she’s promised to be completely honest about gambling with you and promises to only lose $200 on each casino trip. Then blatently gambled $300, but you don’t take issue with this.

Every time you allow her or take her to the casino you are allowing her addiction and you are enabling her to do it.

She knows that you’re easy to manipulate.

I’m not suggesting you bring your relationship to an end, but I think you should stop enabling her straight away. Ask yourself this if the relationship broke down now because you forbid her to gamble would that be as devastating as having the relationship break down in a few years when you’re sleeping in the car lot next to Frank.

Geordie.

[gvralls]

Thank you for politely telling it like it is

Nguyen says “I don’t need that” regarding casinos and doesn’t seem to desire them. She’s said she loves me and among the reasons are that I am not a gambler.

She is an emotional junkyard dog. Can be brutal with her words. I’ve thought it might be hormones. Im a bit vulnerable because my previous spouse was friendly but had zero romantic nature, and got fat. Nguyen is smoking hot and loves to hold hands.

She’s very personable and the business she knows so well can be bought for $75k. Not going to drain me at all, and I don’t think she’d fail.

When we traveled for 8 weeks I really got to know her. It’s hard to say if she’s manipulating. I haven’t lost much by being with her, it’s been nice. I just can’t go forward without really being cautious of the gambling.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should have mentioned earlier that your “previous spouse was friendly but had zero romantic nature, and got fat”.

Maybe Gambling Therapy is not the right forum for you. Maybe some sort of ego counselling is what you need, a good kick up the arse is what I think you need by the way.

Most people use this forum to help them come to terms with the compulsive, or problem, gambling of a loved one. Whether it be a child, sibling, parent, friend, spouse or partner. And also for reassurance and support for what may well be a very long and traumatic journey back to normality. For some that might mean bringing an end to a long term relationship. Or changing the dynamics of a long standing marriage.

Sometimes people post because they are concerned about a loved ones’ gambling and are worried that the person may have a gambling problem but seem to be ignoring it.

You came here and posted about your predicament and have had a few replies, but it seems to me you already know the answers. Rather you already know what you’re going to do.

Great for you that the $75000 you seem ready to fund this business with won’t drain you. Because I think it will be a decision that, if taken, you will regret.

One word of warning. Devious people with a gambling addiction are the masters of manipulation, the most cunning of con artists, and do not care who they deceive and rip off. In fact as a CG ( compulsive gambler ) the more some one loves you the easier the prey. I know this not only from my own sick past, but also from the testimonies of many of the hundreds of CG’s I’ve met at different GA meetings or during one of my periods of incarceration. The reason I mention this is that it is not beyond the realms of possibility that maybe the vendor of this business is connected with Nguyen and they’ve hatched this plot to defraud you.

A serious question. What would you do if Nguyen got fat?

[twilight16]

It seems that Nguyen had you the moment she laid eyes on you. She swept you away with her sexiness, gorgeousness and directness. Qualities that clearly excites you. She is no stranger to relationships. I am only commenting on the back story you have provided and as an outsider and child of a compulsive gambler, who knows the ins and outs of this awful addiction.
It won’t be long when you will be faced with the addiction, wanting something because so and so happened. The moment you start caving in and helping just a little, it will want more. No one is above this addiction without proper strategies, always having the mindset that the addiction can quickly pull the carpet from under them.
I personally don’t find it appropriate to even mention s*x on the boards, however you did and it is clearly a factor that has you going . This I am sure you are aware can be part of manipulation. Watch it dwindle when the addiction doesn’t get what it wants.
Many member here have thought, at first like you that you are in control of the addiction but eventually find themselves in very dark places emotionally and financially.

I would reread Geordie’s responses as he is spot on. He is a recovering cg and I am on the other side, who is in recovery from a father who is a cg.

Twilight

[gvralls]

I really wonder if the whole thing is a setup manipulation.

I read warnings here and want to get out right away, but she is after all a real person with family support and everything is perfect except for that one glaring asterisk CG.

The business investing is not likely but she knows everything about that line of business, and others in her community with less wherewithall are doing well. She works for them, obviously her gambling gets in the way of getting a new business off the ground.

Thanks again.

[vera]

It’s 5 days since you posted, GV.
‘Just wondering if you have made any plans to book that trip for May and July?
I’m sure you will need to book it soon.
Again, I would emphasize that asking Nguyen to pay her own fare would be a way of knowing if she genuinely wants your company of if she is going along for a free ride, perhaps consciously or unconsciously to escape gambling urges or with a long term plan to tie you up emotionally for her own benefit (A long trip abroad , of course would also be a great way to avoid debtors).
CGs know all the tricks GV, and when we are in action , we surround ourselves ONLY with enablers. People who might want to cramp our gambling style are immediately knocked off the hit list.
I agree with Geordie that you would be nuts to invest money in a business with anyone you only met a few months ago, least of all a menopausal CG woman!!!
Nguyen is one shrewd lady. She keeps her body fit to substitute for her financial deficits. Without being too explicit , I would say she is “worth her weight in gold”.
I would like to ask a question.
Do you think she would be “into you” if you were just any ordinary Joe Soap without assets and had no means to lift her out of her present “low spot” that you referred to.
If you continue your involvement with her, you are taking a big gamble. You have a lot to lose (financially) by what you tell us. Your other values have already been seriously compromised by all accounts.
From what you say about this “queen”, she has nothing to lose.
She comes with a warning-Be Careful!
Keep posting!

[gvralls]

I think the internet often elicits more sensational and extreme comments. Perhaps Nguyen deserves the harsh criticism. She is, after all, a bona fide CG who had her life destroyed by gambling. But let me say a few things more. I am very thankful you ask me to keep posting. Your comments are highly appreciated.

The Good
Nguyen is gorgeous. I realize that my fascination with her physical beauty reveals my shallow desires. She has movie star looks, simply unbelievable at her age. Great body. Perfect smile. You get the picture.

Her family. Nice people. One child has an extraordinary qualification, and is advancing toward a specialty that will pay very well. He calls her and loves his mom. Great kid.

Another child lives nearby and has kids if his own and a lovely wife. They visit her all the time and love her to pieces. I’ve met them. Wonderful young family. Her son did mention early on, in no uncertain terms, that gambling ruined his mom’s life.

She doesn’t seem like a gold digger, per se. She’s told me about rich old farts that will giver her all the financial security she could ever want. She’s got a lot of friends in the hairdressing business, and I’ve come to learn that hairdressers are on the scout for single guys with money, then make introductions. Nguyen has been set up with wealthy guys and she doesn’t like their looks, so she says. She insists that she can always survive financially in her profession. She wants a man that’s got youthful looks and who she can be proud to be in public with. She says she’s very picky. I tend to think she’s telling me the truth. I’m a few years younger than her, and fit. Frankly we do look like a great couple on the surface.

Nguyen is very affectionate. I’m a bit weak in that regard. My 20 year marriage was to a friendly person who didn’t care much about her looks, and never held my hand, let alone enjoyed romance or kissing or even leaving the home.

Nguyen can cook huge meals efficiently using her head not a cookbook. Her food beats fine restaurants. She loves to cook. My wife of 20 years was a bad cook.

Nguyen loves to travel. She’s in great shape and we roan around like kids. Whereas my ex would rarely leave home. With Nguyen I get to see the world with a beautiful woman I love.

For all my suspicions that she’s a bit too experienced sexually, I’ve tested myself after our 6 week overseas love fest. She’s free of any std and swears that she hasn’t screwed around much because she’s picky. I tend to believe her on that. I felt ashamed but snooped around her online activity quite a bit. She’s not some easy slut. Perhaps a lot of CG are not promiscuous? In any case, I feel safe with her and prefer to keep it going.

The Bad
I’ve caught her telling lies. Of course. She seems to be a really quick thinker who can make things up like a professional. I’ve called her a professional liar, in a certain non confrontational context. I have a keen insight. I’ve told her to stop making stories up as if to play me like a game of poker. She knows I’m no fool.

Menopausal. You used that term. I’m very turned off by her hot and cold switch. She can become a super bitch without much notice. She tells me that she never stays mad for long. She often loses her cool and gets very mean, even cruel. Verbally abusive. She promptly says she’s sorry and only says it because she loves me. I don’t care for this at all! She stopped getting her period about seven years ago. Are a lot of women her age, unbalanced due to hormones or what? I’ve told her that I can’t take it, and young women don’t act like her. She seems to know I’m right. She has an uncontrollable side but it’s purely verbal abuse, and almost always when we are apart. On the phone. Not really fighting when we are together.

Gambling. She’s pretty bad. She says she gave it up before, and wants to quit. She wants me to keep her in check, by controlling our money and keeping her casino expenditures in the $100 – $200 range. Not $1000s like she blew before.

Travels. I have plenty of time on my hands, with employees running a company and various rental income. I set aside about $40,000 for travels, in January. I spent $12,000 or so. Big deal. Not a lot, at my age I want to enjoy life. I’m planning to take her to UK in coming weeks. I was educated at a British university about 30 years ago. I’d love to take her back. What harm could that be?

Well, you asked me to keep posting.

Any feedback is highly appreciated. Thanks.

There may be spelling/ word errors, as my phone spell check often picks the wrong word.

[vera]

The Ugly…
Firstly, GV, I want to say, I am in no way judging your GF. Number one, I’m a woman (we do stick together , deep down) and I’m a CG with all the flaws, scars and weaknesses of every other CG….so i can’t point a finger.
The “ugly” to me, is that Nguyen is STILL gambling. Despite admitting to having left a trail of destruction ( good that her son knows) she still gambles.
I was like that for years, GV. I justified my gambling by saying “Well, I don’t hide it anymore”. That gives a CG the false security that we are being honest, but in truth , it really means that we are just good bullshitters and excel in buying time, postponing the day when we will have to STOP gambling , for good.
You say, she wants to stop. That is NOT true. She has you fooled there. If she wanted to stop she would go to GA or come to this Site and share with others CGs who won’t allow her to play them like a fiddle.
Gambling is an UGLY, sinister, progressive , malicious disease. It does not go away. It will never leave a CG. The CG has to walk away from it.
This thread is about YOU, though. As I read through your post , you are saying a lot about your own values, how you view life/ women/ money/relationships, how your expectations/needs/wants can be adjusted to attain gratification of those desires. How you are “whitewashing” behaviour that you know is unacceptable to ensure you will have company. I’m hearing hints of fear and loneliness in your posts. Nguyen, with all her charm, has swept you off your feet. As a woman I think I can say with confidence that she knows she is holding the trump card. Image is important to you. Gambling is important to her. The external image of the “happy couple” can often be a facade. We all know that.
As a CG “in recovery” , of course I hold out hope for Nguyen, as I do for every other gambler. If I can stop and stay stopped so can they. But I did not do that by going into casinos , fooling myself and others that I could “limit my spending”.
I didn’t even want to stop. I stopped because I had to. Years later the “want to stop” began to surface.
What YOU need to know GV, is that CGs cannot limit our spending. We cannot gamble. Period. Why ? because we never win. The more “ammunition” we got the longer we spent “shooting lethal bullets”. Believe me during this period we can destroy many lives but guess what? We don’t give a damn because our need to gamble is far greater than our need to live a normal life.
Once a CG crosses this line, there is no going back.
While I want to say, best wishes with your relationship ( and I do see there is a better life ahead for Nguyen- but ONLY when she admits she is powerless over gambling and agrees to walk away) I owe it to you to say while she is still gambling, you are living in a Fool’s Paradise and the relationship is all a sham.
By the way, there is no need to give intimate details here. We can all read between the lines. LOL

[gvralls]

Thanks. For all the warnings, as well as the comments about my own issues.

Let’s assume she moves in with me. Even, we get married. If we married I’d have a rock solid legal agreement to ensure my assets are mine from the date of union.

How does she ruin me financially? I’m naive in some respects. Does she apply for credit? Steal my debit card? How does she take money that’s in my name?

[vera]

Why not drop into a live group and chat about those issues ?Group starting shortly. You will gain more knowledge there and hear answers to your questions.

[nomore 56]

Looks like you live in the US. It all depends if you are in a community property state. If you do, a legal agreement will probably not help much. She can open credit cards in her own name and you are still responsible for what she owes. Same with bank accounts, most banks just ignore the fact that only one name is on the account. Happened to me more than once. My hb accumulated so much debt without my knowledge that I had to fill out pages and pages for filing bankruptcy while I did not owe a single penny to anyone myself. He was also able to sell my car by faking my signature on the title and nobody even checked if I really signed off on it. It goes on and on because you are lumped together as one when it comes to assets of any kind. She can ruin your credit before you know it and you would be in for a whole lot of heart ache trying to unravel the whole mess.

[monique]

I have just read through your thread, including all the responses you have had. Some folk have written very bluntly and honestly – I think because they can see that you are most likely in a lot of danger, but are rationalising the warning signs, because you also see something that you really, really want. As others have already said, that ‘something’ may turn out to be part of a big manipulationon on the part of your girlfriend.
I too would say please look after yourself, protect your finances, look for a sharing of responsibility in this relationship etc. Be prepared to step back a bit and put some healthy boundaries in place – if you can’t get cooperation on that, ask why and if things are right for you.
I think most of the important points have already been made quite forcibly. Do please take care and perhaps pause before things go further – if it is a good relationship, it will pick up after a pause, but, if not, you may just save yourself from a lot of pain.
Do offer your support for your g/f to work on her own recovery, but don’t risk your own well-being and safety.

Best wishes,

Monique

[gvralls]

Thanks for scaring the crap out of me! I need that. Nguyen probably already knows about everything you just said.

I get the feeling it’s a time bomb. She could be the perfect partner for months or years even. Then one day digs in and gambles for hours, gets credit cards, gambles more, forges my name, gambles more…

I should stick to buying her airline tickets and expensive French lotions that she’s always rubbing into her silken skin. God she’s gorgeous. Did I tell you that? Ha ha. I’m not a fool yet. We’ve had the best of times thus far.

Thank you again.

[vera]

Just checking in to see if that time bomb is still ticking?!?
French lotions don’t come cheap!
I wouldn’t worry about a CG forgetting your name so long as you keep her in ammunition.

How are Y O U??
Started working your own recovery yet?

[gvralls]

Hi. Thanks for your continued interest. She is playing me but insists it’s true love blah blah. I just spent a weekend with her. It’s so hard to shake her, the love is like a drug. As time goes on I know my gut is right and she’s not good for me. But how to stop it, takes strength. She does have a type of multiple personality issue, where she flips and says terrible things then apologizes later. I think frankly that despite my kind demeanor and determination to be good to her, she’s losing patience and will start trolling for a new benefactor using her gorgeous looks and ability to strike up a conversation. I wish I had better guidance on how to ‘say goodbye’ because I don’t think this is a good long-term deal.

[velvet]

Hi Gvalls
I can’t think of any other thread that has contained so many ways to say goodbye without actually saying ‘do it’, which this forum will not suggest because it has to be your decision – but surely you want more than this?
What is it that you want to hear from us?
I’m really not sure what else we can do to support you. We have so many families who are losing brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers and children because the addiction to gamble is in their lives and the least of their worries is the shape of the body of the CG.
It is entirely up to you methinks, whether you want to wait for her to tire of you but I know what I would do.
Velvet

[vera]

This thread is about YOU, GV, not about a woman who has a gambling problem.
It’s up to her to solve that.
Your problem is, as I understand it, based a warped perception of women and relationships in general.
You “got rid of” your wife because she “got fat”. Now you are worried that this “gorgeous” goddess will use her looks and “troll for a new benefactor”.
I’m not judging you at all. I just feel sad that a man in his 50s feels so insecure, when he could have so much more going for him.
There are women (maybe not as perfect as “herself”) who may be happy to share your company on a healthy level.
In my experience people who want genuine recovery for Friends and Family sometimes have to give the CG a break to allow them (us) to work out their own difficulties.
The longer others in my life helped me to mask my gambling, the more I took advantage and I did resent their enablement at some level.
Would you consider taking counselling to discuss your own insecurity issues (we all have them) or even discuss them here or in Velvet’s Group.
The reason I follow your thread is because it reminds me of how I played people like a fiddle when I wanted to gamble.
I never figured their reasons for being enablers.

[gvralls]

Hi. I’ve been spending more time with Nguyen . I bought a small apartment building in a city that incredibly has NO casinos within a 3 hour drive. Didn’t think such place existed. Nguyen has been helping me fix up the place. From what I can tell she doesn’t care much for gambling.

I’ve decided I hate gambling. Initially I thought it was ok and kinda cute in a way. I had zero experience with casinos.

Nguyen started pushing really hard for a one day trip to a place with casino. Do gamblers keep it pent up, and if they don’t wager money over course of a month it two, go into withdrawals or what?

[Anonymous]

“From what I can tell she doesn’t care much for gambling.”…….

“Nguyen started pushing really hard for a one day trip to a place with casino”…

Are you serious? I think you’ve answered your own question. In my opinion she views you as her golden ticket.

If you take her on that trip to a casino, you are taking one hell of a risk.

No offence gvralls, but I wonder if you’re a real person, or just a stooge coming here to antagonise people.

If you are being serious I would highly recommend you take yourself to a gam-anon meeting, or even go and see an addictions counsellor yourself.

[vera]

GT members do not give advice. We don’t judge, but we do answer questions when asked. We try to give support and recommend various ways to help members who request help.
From what I see (read) you have not taken any of the suggestions on board. For that reason, like Geordie, I sometimes wonder if this is all a game to you gvralls. I still want to give you the benefit of the doubt, however so in answer to your question, CGs do have pent up urges, and in my experience do have withdrawal symptoms.
What keeps us on a “even keel”is the knowledge that our desires can be indulged sooner or later. Its like holding your breath for a chest Xray. When the right time comes we explode!

[gvralls]

Real person for sure here.

We went to casino. Or I should we meet there. She lost $200 in about 45 minutes and left. Seemed to bring back bad memories, she said she regretted going there.

[velvet]

What on earth possessed you go to a casino with her? Testing her addiction is not accepting she probably has, at the very least, a serious problem.

[Anonymous]

Unbelievable. You met there, how’d you know she “only” lost $200?

I must have gambled on thousands of occasions, and have regretted each and every one of them.

Still didn’t stop me playing people like a fiddle and taking them to the cleaners.

[vera]

If a CG tells you she lost two hundred, you can add a zero to it!
Who gave her the money to gamble?
CGs seldom leave after 45 mins.
Not saying she’s lyin, just sayin!!!

[gvralls]

Friends. I can answer the questions. Thank you for the dialogue.

We live several hours away from each other.

She wanted us to meet at a place where a casino is nearby. It’s where there is also a ferry that goes from her home to my location.

My plan was to meet there and go camping. She said ok. As it turns out I got stuck, was late to the ferry terminal. Like an hour late. I used Uber to get her a ride from the ferry to the casino, where she’d be ok until I got there.

I’m pretty sure she lost $200. She’s a good player and was at a blackjack table with $5 chips. She still had over $100 but after I got there it went pretty quick and we left.

Nguyen has very little money. She’s moving into a new place soon and needs to save for those expenses.

So. We just had a weekend together. August 7 was the one year anniversary of our meeting. We met online. It wasn’t until November that we met face to face.

August 7 was a full moon. We took my RV to a secluded forest on a beautiful island. As always, Nguyen cooked the finest meals I’ve ever eaten. Over and over she cooks. Her skill with a knife, taste, ingredients. You simply can not believe how good she cooks!! Like a five star meal even with a handful of things.

Nguyen is gorgeous and sexy, as I’ve said. You can imagine just how good I feel, as a healthy fully-functioning man, to be with her for a few days like that.

There is still my gut instinct. This life of deception. I believe all the years in casinos, and perhaps growing up in a war then all she endured as a refugee, I just sense that she’s playing me. Manipulating. It’s her nature. And at it’s core is a compulsive gambler. I think she’s always got a backup plan and looks at me as easily directed. Just talk sweet and get near a kitchen. She can get anything she wants. Through it all, I sense a staged, empty love. It’s so sad. I’ve never felt so determined to step back and get out.

[vera]

Superficial people seek friends with superficial qualities.
Many men look on money as a commodity to “purchase” women.
They usually get what they pay for.
Insecurity is common among “rich” men. This can be dealt with by one to one counselling.
It is easier to deflect our own inadequacies on to those whom we perceive as weak and vulnerable .
This trait is more subtle but equally as cruel as manipulation.
Re read your own words.
“She can get anything she wants…You can imagine how good I feel…..I have never felt so determined to step back and get out”!
I wonder how Nguyen feels ? (Well, I can make a guess!)
Why are you leading this lady on?
This site was set up to give YOU support.
How would you rate the support you’ve received so far or is this another exercise in superficial mental gymnastics?
Interestingly, Nguyen did start a thread on GT but it came to nothing.

[velvet]

I find your words ‘I used Uber to get her a ride from the ferry to the casino, where she’d be ok until I got there’ frankly incredible.
Your gf will not be alright in a casino waiting for you and if you still think that after all the support you have had then I am extremely concerned for her.
I too saw Nguyen posting and I am sorry she has stopped because she needs support and I suspect protection from a person who professes to be healthy and full-functioning but in reality is using a vulnerability girl for his own ends. I cannot imagine how good this feels for you and nor do I want to do so. I am not a CG but i too can make guess at how Nguyen feels and it isn’t pleasant.

[gvralls]

Nguyen doesn’t participate in any online forums.

Aside from her gambling , she has an unstable personality. I showered her with kindness and she was always deeply affectionate. I needed that.

It was hard for her to enjoy the best of times. For example the six day trip we just finished. No work. Just sleeping in and eating well at my apartment in another state we’d run off to together.

She’d always come up with some type of conspiracy theory that I no longer loved her. Or I’d changed my determination to be with her forever. Out of the blue she opens her mouth and started arguments. I could treat her like royalty yet she’d start to sulk and whine about one thing or another. Here I was giving her all I could. Frankly better than I ever imagined taking care of another person. All I could do was fight back and get angry at her for dreaming up these reasons to attack me. It went on and on.

Despite the long distance between us, I made sure we were together at least every week and often for 5 days at a time. I gave her money to pay her bills because she missed work being with me. Not a lot. $600 or so every time she was away. Not a lot to me.

In terms of gambling. That’s an interesting story. Nguyen spent years running a business that fetched cash income. She’s a very hard worker. All of her cash went into casinos. Eventually she hooked up with a guy that had a more mainstream job, Nguyen racked up massive credit card debt and went bankrupt. So there were no funds to be a high roller. In fact now she has less than $2000 to her name.

With so little funds, not a lot of income (she works when not with me) she plays cards conservatively. She might lose $80 or $125 then exit. Go back another time and win $40 and leave. Go back and win $200 then lose half of that and call it a day with a small gain. She may be hoping I’ll tie the knot with her then she can up the stakes and get back into VIP.

We left each other today on a really sour note. I need to move on because of her uncalled for verbal attacks. They really eat me. She just called and apologized and said she will stop it. Perhaps the same character trait that led her to financial ruin at the blackjack table is also revealed in the way she runs her mouth uncontrollably, directed at the person who loves her.

I hope this ends well for both of us. She may become a headache for me, if she insists on staying together. I know she can’t change this running of her mouth. And she probably doesn’t like the idea of losing my kindness and financial support.

[Anonymous]

Has this forum been of any use to you whatsoever.

You’ve not taken a blind bit of notice. Nguyen has a serious problem, the traits you describe are typical of a CG. Your constantly feeding her money is causing her to feed her addiction even more. She cant afford to pay her bills so you just give her $600 every time you go away, but yet she can afford to play cards and loose the odd $100.

She has a problem. I think you have a bigger one. If you love this lady like you have claimed set her free, maybe she will seek help, all you are doing is prolonging her agony. She wont seek help as long as you’re feeding her addiction.

I am almost convinced you are just coming on this forum to antagonise people. People who are suffering, people who genuinely care and love someone who they cherish, who can see the gambling for what it is. You on the other hand don’ t seem to recognise this in the slightest, Your own selfishness is helping to ruin Nguyen’s life.

I would not have one bit of sympathy for you if she somehow stole all your wealth and gambled it.

[vera]

You haven’t shown this lady one ounce of kindness.
You are using her for your own needs.
I think that is very cruel, to be honest!
YOU NEED HELP.
She will survive very well without you.
There is a name for ladies of her ilk but I won’t use it here!
Paying her to spend time with you might enlighten you.
You need to grow up!!!

[gvralls]

She has a boring job and her boss lets her take time off. Her bills are about $2000 per month. Rent, car, etc. in all honesty, when I take her away from the boring job, we eat well and get long nights of sletp, take walks during the day, cuddle and watch movies at night, it’s a pretty good life. We’ve been doing this about 50% of the time. On a given month we spend 15 days together. If I fight help her pay the bills, it won’t happen. I’ve met all of her family, and we are a couple.

I don’t deny her the odd one hour stop at a casino from time to time. Because of that , I’m a bad influence according to you who posted above. The way I see it, she plays very little and I’m always with her. I read stories here that describe long disappearances and endless deceit. Nguyen hasn’t shown me that she’s reckless. Perhaps that day comes later. It’s her mood swings and sudden nastiness that gets me.

Well, sorry if this is upsetting. I’ll post less if it’s somehow antagonizing to share this experience .

[gvralls]

Coming back to apologize for not understanding my situation two years ago and hopefully help others who may be in a similar ordeal.

When I first started this thread I was so new to being in a relationship with a GC. I’ve learned a lot. Now two years of constant ups and downs with Nguyen but the last few weeks might finally see us go separate ways.

One thing I didn’t mention before is I feel I should help those who have suffered before, my personality. I was nearly killed several times (almost drowned, two times within milliseconds of severe accident, and not too long ago beat a deadly cancer via lucky early detection). I almost killed a family member by accident too. I tend to have the attitude that I should be dead by now anyway, why not help others. Nguyen grew up in a war zone. I had two different fortune tellers tell me that she and I were lovers in a past life. Right or wrong, I feel an extreme connection to her and likewise I believe she’s sincere in loving me. We’ve never lost our affection for each other. I am always very kind to her, at least I mean it that way.

Nguyen shows a bi-polar tendency (maybe related to gambling). One day she’s really pleasant and the best person I could ever hope for. The next she’s verbally abusive no matter what I do, on and on with her mean comments. I’ve really taken a beating from her but she always calms down and we go back to lovey dovey.

When she is down and out she says really cruel things to me and about me. A constant uncertainty of never knowing when she will get depressed and attack me. I have pleaded with her to see a doctor, and she has once but the outcome didn’t change anything.

At work in her nail salon they play cards when waiting for customers. Card playing is just what they do, the game is called 13.

When I’m with her I get really productive with my work, in the creative department. I own a company and creative work always leads to greater sales. Without Nguyen I tend to not create anything but give me 5-6 days with her and I really crank out some great things.

I am guilty of saying ok Nguyen I know you love to play cards I’ll take you to the casino and give you $80 to play. Not $200 or $300 but $80. And sometimes she can stretch that out to 8 hours of playing time! But she has NEVER EVER won. Not one dollar. She plays until it’s gone.

I sold one of my properties last year probably at the peak of the market and invested in a different thing that has turned out to be better than expected. I paid off her car loan (and on that day she was in one of her bi-polar meltdown modes for no reason, you’d think she’d be happy to kiss the car loan good bye) and I’ve been helping her with whatever she needs along the way. It’s just the constant fights over nothing that causes me to not commit to a more permanent relationship, we maintain separate homes.

I kept telling her to not start a fight for just a few days (!) and she can’t do that. I am a glutton for punishment. Nguyen and I have always dreamed of starting a small business and I sincerely believe in her, she’s really sharp at business and ran a few before.

Well a few weeks ago I gave her $80 and said I’ll be back in half hour because I had to do something across town. I was just a little bit late, so what! Had she won with that $80 she would have kept playing and everything fine — but she lost before I got back to pick her up. She started sending me horrific text messages about what a terrible man I am, and she wants me to take her to her cousin’s house, etc etc. She gets really mean. I realized that every time she’s super angry to me, it has nothing to do with what I did! It’s her blaming other things on me. I had never seen this in her but it explains a lot. She gave me a half-baked apology and if I bring that up she changes the subject quickly.

I was with her for all of last week and everything was great. No gambling just enjoying life and she was more pleasant than ever. Her nephew is getting married overseas soon and we are planning to go for a one month trip. She’s moving into a new apartment soon, with roommates. The new setup will help her spend a lot less on rent and hopefully more time with me.

I know moving is stressful and she needs some help so I gave her $1100 sealed in an envelope and said absolutely DO NOT stop at the casino on the way home. She needs that money to move into the new place. I felt stupid I had to even deal with sealing that envelope and I asked her to take a picture of the money and send it to me as soon as she got home. Well what she did was disappear for 7 hours, tell me her phone wasn’t working, and I got a picture of the money on her car seat at 8:00 PM but it was clearly taken in the daylight. So she opened the envelope, took the picture mid-day, and went inside to lose all the money. But she had the picture to send me later. I didn’t buy any of it. She was home late and wouldn’t send me a picture of the money and I just feel like the last few weeks I have pulled my head out of my bum and said ENOUGH. No more of this. And by the way she pulled the same missing money trick once before.

Well I am sorry for al the rambling but if this is typical or rings a bell with others please let me know. Thank you!

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