Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)
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  • #4632
    C-Louise
    Participant

    Hi I’m new here,
    I’m at at lost at the moment that’s how I stumbled on to this website my partner has been gamblerling on n off for a few years and we lost everything before n finally after moving back in together after he got better, he’s blown everything again the rent money, food, bills the lot I don’t know what to do I have a young child aswell, I don’t know how to help him atall currently I’ve thrown him out part of me wants to support and help him but the other part I don’t I can’t I’m drained what am I doing wrong why does this happen? I’ve tried everything and nothing works I’m scared for mine and my sons future but also if I give up on him he has no one atall to help for him on his own it will get really bad I just don’t know what to do.

    #4633
    velvet
    Moderator

    <

    Hello Louise

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #4634
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Louise
    I am glad that you have stumbled on to this website and I hope that before long you will be less scared and more able to cope. Knowledge of your partner’s addiction will give you power over it and help you to make the right judgements for your future and the future of your partner and your son.
    I know only too well the feeling that everything has been tried and nothing has worked – but here you are trying something different and that is excellent.
    Unfortunately I can’t write as much as I would like to at the moment but I will post to you again soon – I just wanted to let you know, as soon as possible, that you were being heard and understood.
    I wouldn’t be here, Louise, if the addiction to gamble could not be controlled so stick with us and hopefully you will soon see your way forward.
    Velvet

    #4635
    C-Louise
    Participant

    Yeah it’s amazed me how many people have gone or are going through the same thing it’s really bad, all these advertisement of gamblerling is everywhere from buses, tv, posters even had one on my recite the other day. Just crazy, I mean I’ve just flipped out on him which I know I shouldn’t have done as he had money on him from a job and has to travel home it scares me he’s gone into the bookies again he promises he hasn’t Im hoping not but u just never know, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt I just honestly at this moment in time I can’t, I do have control over his money ( his idea ) but he had to have the money from work to home then I have it, so he has total access to his money until he comes home which there is no way to get around it so it’s really hard I’m just praying he will come home with the money so I don’t have to try find the bill money yet again because this week I generally don’t have t either just way to much stress thanks for the reply really appreciate it x

    #4636
    worriedmama
    Participant

    There is no reason you should give him the benefit of the doubt. For a person living with a CG trust can take a very long time to return… and that’s okay.
    Try and shift the perspective from not what you can do to help him to what can you do to help you. You have to get a little bit selfish and make sure your needs especially financial are being met.
    The stress of this can really hurt us Louise both mentally and physically. I always try to think what suggestions would I make to a sister or friend going thru this… is there something that you can do to help reduce the stress ?

    #4637
    C-Louise
    Participant

    Yeah I should and it’s like months and he’s great Then the trust slowly comes back and outta the blue he does it all again like today he’s dissapeared again it’s our sons birthday Tuesday and our rent is due Tuesday all I have is the rent money nothing else no food shopping money nothing I wish I could find something to reduce the stress but it’s been going on almost 6 years, around 5 years ago we lost our home everything I had to move back in with family which was a nightmare I was taken advantage by my family I had to do basically what I was told so leaving there was needed and since February I agreed to move back in together I think it’s the biggest mistake I’ve made personally I can’t loose my home again I just can’t I have no where to go it’s at the point where I honestly don’t know what to do anymore I want to help him, I also hate him it’s horrible to say I know I care about him a lot but it’s so selfish of him to keep doing this promise to get help and lies and doesn’t I’ve done and given so much for him and to just get nothing in return hurts really bad I just pray he comes home I really do

    #4638
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Louise
    I don’t hear anything horrible when you say you want to help your partner but you hate him, I only hear a person who doesn’t know which way to turn.
    I am really sorry to read that your family didn’t give you the support you needed and now you feel you are in a corner with nowhere to go. I hope you will find the understanding you recieve here will give you the support you deserve.
    Understanding your partner’s addiction may help you. It is a selfish addiction and it hurts those closest to it but it doesn’t mean the owner of the addiction is bad. You have said that you believe that he is gamble-free for months ; it is easier not to mention poor behaviour when the times are good for fear of upsetting the balance and you are probably living in hope that things will change, however your partner needs to accept he has a problem if he is to be gamble-free indefinitely. I suggest you download from the Gamblers Anonymous website the ’20 questions’ and let him see them – it is quite possible that he is not aware that his problem is recognised and that there is a lot of support for him. Just as you probably felt alone until you found this forum, your partner will, undoubtedly be feeling alone with his problem and he probably has no idea how to go about changing his life for the better.
    It is ‘possible’ that your son’s birthday is a trigger for his latest poor behaviour. His child’s birthday will probably be a strong reminder to him that he has not behaved responsibly for the young life he helped create and gambling is his way of escaping from reality – unfortunately, for the CG gambling only brings more losses and more feelings of failure and so the cycle goes on.
    Your partner needs treatment if he is to change his life and that treatment is available on this site, in GA or on the fantastic Gordon Moody programme. He is not alone, he is understood and he can change.
    I believe it is important to inform CGs where support is to be found and it is great when they know that someone is ready to support them while they seek that support. However, you cannot save your partner, only he can do that.
    What you can do is to protect yourself from his addiction and put yourself first which is good for you and really is the best thing you can do for him. Your partner didn’t ask for or want his addiction anymore than you – CGs would love to be able to gamble for fun as others do but your partner cannot do that. He doesn’t deliberately hurt you which is why looking after yourself is so important.
    I don’t know how old your son is on Tuesday but if he is still young enough not to understand what is going on then I am sure he will just be happy with his mother smiling and loving him and hopefully his father will come to see that being there for his son is what his child wants most and it costs nothing.
    Keep posting Louise and maybe you could pop into an F&F group on Tuesdays where you will be very welcome – it is good to ‘talk’ in real time and the groups are private, nothing said in the group appears on the forum.

    Speak soon

    Velvet

    #4639
    C-Louise
    Participant

    Hello, thanks for the reply
    Yeah they ain’t very supportive just single minded in a lot of things to be honest, this weekend went completely pear shaped he actually took an overdoes which scared the life out of me and our son which he really didn’t need to deal with all that.
    My son has Asperger’s syndrome so he has it hard as it is and it just wasn’t good, thankfully at this moment both are now fine, my partner is acting like all is well but I’m so angry and hurt but if I say how I feel he gets really defensive it’s just a total mess.
    He was seen by his gp who told him you need blood test and to see the physc nurse I can’t referre you go to a&e, so we went there and was basically told nothing they can do its not for them to referre all they can do is check he is physically ok with blood tests, which thankfully he was fine. Originally back in September he went for help and was told cut down smoking and budget no referral which seems to have happened again.
    He wants help but trying to find it feels impossible but I will try the things you have mentioned it sounds like a good thing to start with.
    I love him to pieces but I can’t be honest with him at the moment as he just blows up and it turns it into a row, his mother is forever bailing him out which is enabling this even more she just won’t listen then I get all this thrown at me asking about repayment that I personally never borrowed it’s just a joke round in circles.
    Yeah my son he would be just happy about that he’s a very loving child he has his problems which are hard enough dealing with out his fathers problems it’s tough, but yes birthdays or big bills any exspences seems to be a big trigger but then sometimes we are fine nothing’s happening and he will just blow it all again, he goes a few weeks no gambling then blows it then back to not doing it and acting like things are fine that same day I can’t just be ok with that I try to but it’s not fine.
    Finding this website has really helped there’s so many people who understand which outside I don’t have its a big eye opener and it’s nice having the support, I’ve been looking at the f&f groups really wanted to pop in I’m usually at work in the evenings but I’m off this week I will try to come on.

    Thanks for the reply speak soon
    Louise x

    #4640
    hope36
    Participant

    Hi Louise,
    I am new here as well. Anything I tell you is not meant to criticize or make you feel less than. If I say something to you, it is coming from a place of care. I can only tell you my story. We are newly married and a lot of things are coming to light. When I first discovered my husband gambled I attended GAM Anon meetings. They were very eye opening, but i found the members to be extremely depressed (and they had been going religiously for 25 years). I decided that I would have to make the best of this test. The best news is that when I act like things will get better, by being supportive, instead of criticizing or ignoring him, the better things get. Trust me, this issue has been going on in my husbands life since he was a teen, his parents never knew, he kept it well hidden from everyone. but the more patient and understanding I am the less he gambles. There is no quick fix and sometimes it can take time for the person to quit. I know it sounds crazy and counterintuitive, but they really do not know what they are doing. I mean, they know they want to stop the cycle of the addiction, but they really do think that things will get better the more they gamble. That’s the mania of a gambler. the addiction takes over, and we think they have free choice until they are ready to take the first step….until then. They dont……
    That is the sad truth, it is a disease and only time will tell when things will turn around. There will come a point when I pray your husband will come to you and say I want to get help. I pray that moment comes to my husband too. Until then, it is a matter of filling up our own lives with self care/ love and people we care about. I no longer can depend on my husband to be there for me when he gambles. I have learned after two years to let go of any expectations, and just focus on the good times we do have together when he doesn’t gamble. My husband gambles usually 5-8 hours a day. And there was a period of 6 months when he stopped all together only to go back. This is the life that has been dealt to us. No one knows how long it can take, but sooner or later, they will have to quit. I have tried so many times to convince him to stop. There is no one, other than your husband who can make that first move. And I suggest you busy yourself with not allowing that unhealthy tie weigh you down. When I break free from this unhealthy connection to wanting him to do something better, I pray you and I will see miracles. Time heals all wounds, and my therapist has said, all wounds get healed eventually. But no one can do that for someone else. His wounds will heal. And believe me, all outcomes are for the good.

    #4641
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Hope
    Please start you own thread, you have left a lot of yourself in this post to another member that would benefit, I am sure, from having individual support.
    I can see where you are coming from but at the same time I am not sure that I can follow your thread through to all the conclusions you have made.
    The Gamanon group that I belonged to was a mixture of depression and positivity which I believe is probably the make-up of most groups of human beings, this site always aims for the positive. However I am not of the opinion that quitting is inevitable and I cannot accept that complete passivity is a healthy way forward for those who love CGs
    Having said that, I can hear you have taken on board a lot of things about the addiction to gamble, however, I believe it would be beneficial to you to start your own thread so that you can learn and understand more about ‘your’ unique experience.
    Hoping to hear from you
    Velvet

    #4642
    C-Louise
    Participant

    Hello

    No I don’t take it as a criticism, it’s fine I suppose it’s different for everyone to a degree on circumstances and how things are, I do normally support him a lot to be honest the I’ve been the only one who has, as most of his family ‘disowned’ him Due to this. Just the past few weeks due to other stresses this really knocked me back a ten ton and holding my family together I hit a breaking point quite a bad one.
    It’s been going on for years he had counselling before which sort of helped then he stopped going, he tried on his own to fix his addiction which it’s obvious that he does need outside professional help which is what we are heading to next.

    Thing is the expectations it’s something I don’t want to let go of as it loses my hope maybe one day things will be ‘normal’ I’ve learnt not to pressure him about money and payments etc but I do involve him in discussions about money or bills or anything it seems to help him feel needed and important.
    I think this is one of the hardest processes I’ve ever had to go through as of yet because I love him so much and he’s so important to me and I’m so angry with him a lot even when I hide the anger from him, I just wish his gp would listen to him more and understand he needs help professionally not to be told to cut down smoking n budget I think it’s like a kick in the teeth for someone who is CG just hope his next appointment goes better than his last one
    Thanks for your reply
    Louise x

    #4643
    BlueJaffa
    Participant

    Hi,
    I know the feeling. My partner, while in a previous relationship also had an addiction. He was caught stealing money at work and lost everything. He suffered from severe depression and threatening suicide. The ex partner and mother of his child informed me that unfortunately she or nobody else got him support and he was crying out for it but she didn’t know what to do. He overcame the addiction alone 6 years ago but has started gambling again this year.
    All I can do is wait it out for him to hit rock bottom and ask for help. I look at the good things and keep all our finances separate.
    What I am trying to say is….he may not want help for gambling right now but the overdose needs to be addressed. I also work as a mental health nurse….gambling addiction is the most difficult to treat unless the person really wants it. In situations like this all we can do is treat the depressive element and hope that it somehow encourages the person to accept the addiction.

    It’s really difficult and I know what you are going through. Stay strong but don’t ever let him drag you down. You have to be strong for your son and not expose him to the issues going on. You obviously care and love your partner a lot. It’s hard to let go of that and I know that I am not strong enough to let my partner go. I wish I was but honestly I am extremely happy to wait for him to come to me when he’s ready as he was there for me during an extremely difficult period in my life.

    Stay positive and be strong and put yourself first whatever way that may be.

    Xxx

    #4644
    C-Louise
    Participant

    Hey I haven’t been on this for a while in a way was hoping I wouldn’t need to but things are just so much worse than before it’s getting to me a lot, he never went through getting help also debt is starting to build its just non stop it’s completely out of control even to the point even stealing again even from people he never has before I just don’t know what to do anymore 🙁 xx

    #4645
    worriedmama
    Participant

    Can you find a Gam Anon group nearby. You really could use some support and suggestions from others that are living with this. It’s really hard to do alone and I can see that you are struggling:( There is also a F&F chat on Tuesdays that could help.
    Unfortunately nobody is going to be able to help get your husband to quit but there are things you can do to start making your life more manageable. Please reach out for support… you and your son are so worth it!!

    Cathyx

    #4646
    HannahD
    Participant

    Hi Louise,

    I just wanted you to feel my support, I too am living with a problem gambler although my circumstances are not as severe as yours.

    You sound like an immensely strong woman who hasn’t deserved to have this put on you. I have had some advice recently and am starting to feel its the only way to get through things and that is to remain positive and look on the upside of situations no matter how dark.

    It is a real shame the parents don’t wish to help you in your battle with his addiction. My family and my partners family don’t know of my partners addiction so they don’t offer support but for different reasons.

    Have you tried taking all money control from him? When you say he has it from work to home, is that because he is paid in cash? Could you speak to his employer? If hes self employed maybe get him to go employed (if possible) to get a steady income and get it paid straight into your account?

    Here for you even if it just to bend my ear and not feel alone

    Hannah xx

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