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    • #146917
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today’s the first day I’ve reached out for support from fellow gambling addicts. A little about me I’ve been in recovery from drugs abd alcohol for the last 10 years and I’ve never had a relapse. About 3 years ago my hubby and I took a trip to Vegas as it was a cheap option at my addiction started there very fast. Within the first moment I put money in the slots I was hooked. I controlled my money ok well I was there as I had set a limit for myself. Fast forward about 4 months after that I signed up for online gambling. I of course won 2000 right off the hop and thought ok im done that was fun. Wrong, within 2 weeks I lost everything I had fincially and was maxed out in every card or line of credit I had. I was living in a home I inherited that I coowned with a family member and they decided they wanted there money from the house. So we sold it I paid off my debts and then was left screwed because the market where I live for buying a house was insane. The stress of trying to find a home and being constantly outbidded drove me into a major depression. I also have complex PTSD so my gambling was numbing many things for me. Anyways fast forward and my gambling got worse I lost all my inheritance except a small portion I put aside I hid it for this reason because I was afraid I’d screw up. I put myself back into debt as well because I was stupid and never closed any credit cards or lines of credit thinking I needed them open when applying for a morgage to show I had reasonable credit. I messed up my life royally I will never be able to buy a home if I do it’ll take years and years the average home price is over 750 to million where I live. I couldn’t find a rental either as the housing epidemic is bad here so I had to buy an rv to live in. Fortunately a family member has a cottage for rent soon that I can move into but it’s been hard. Everyday I hate myself for what I’ve done. I’ve been working with a gambling counselor for the past month to try and heal some of my complex ptsd. I had a one day laspe over Christmas that was bad but I haven’t touched it since I’ve elf excluded every site I can. I hope that I can stop I never thought that this could happen to me but here I am. One day at a time from here on out.

    • #146919
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

      Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

      Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

      As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

      And on that note….

      I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
      Take care
      The Gambling Therapy Team

      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

      • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Dunc.
    • #147003
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m dedicated to writing on this everyday to keep myself accountable. I’m still gamble free but I’m full of anxiety. I feel like I’m having withdrawal symptoms like I did when I used to drink and do drugs. Heart pounding constantly, uncontrollable racing thoughts. The only thing keeping me distracted is that I’m in a 6 week course to finish my 4th year apprenticeship to be ticketed in my trade. I’m one of three women out of 20 students so there’s alot of pressure to do well. I told a friend of mine the truth of how bad things got for me. Shes the wife of my hubbys bestfriend. It felt like I was doing a step 5 without evening meaning to. I’ve done tons of full sets of steps through my other addiction programs so I no what I have to do. I asked my gambling counselor about GA where I live but he said that meetings are very small and little attendance since covid so I hope I can get that support through this forum. It’s weird that I feel so uncomfortable sharing about my gambling addiction with my other support groups. I still feel alot of shame and don’t no how to get people to understand this form of behavior addiction. It’s really hard for the average person to get just how it’s possible to throw money down the drain like it’s nothing especially the amount I lost. I don’t expect others to get it as people don’t tend to understand what they dont no or have experienced themselves. I just saw this qoute that really helped me though. It says ” before you pass judgment on someone that’s self destructing, it’s important to remember they usually aren’t trying to destroy themselves. They’re trying to destroy something inside that doesn’t belong.” I don’t think I could find the words to say that any better. I have always described my previous addictions as if I was being wrapped in chains and the better I got the chains released, and my soul was free again. I now see that same occurrence again with myself my souls trapped and it needs to be released from the chains once again.

    • #147037
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Day 3 post. So I’ve been reaching out to several online gambling forums but not getting any responses but thats ok I understand it’s not the same as being in person communicating with people. I am finding just writing things out so its in the open and not jn my swirling brain is helping alot. I had a stressor today bombing badly on one of my exams. I walked in with the worst anxiety attack I’ve ever had. Even though I no the stuff I was being tested on I just blanked I was staring at a blank screen. Before I new it an hour and a half was up and I’d only manged to click about 12 answers out of 25. I don’t even no how I managed that. When my class regrouped one of the guys had bombed bad to he started stressing out and then started discussing how he was going to place bets on sports. He was talking loudly how he didn’t even remember placing one he had done last night and another guy piped up and said sounds like you got a gambling problem. His reply was not if your winning lol. Man I wanted to say something so bad there but I just shut my mouth as I was in a room full of tradesmen and the last thing I needed was to cause a scene about talking about addiction. I’m in no place yet to even start doing a twelve step with someone right now im just trying to keep my own shit together. I did however feel better knowing that I probably would of run to the bathroom and played slots just like that guy was betting so I felt instant progress with myself. Just feeling my loss and bad grade and moving on with it. Water off a ducks back as the saying goes. Now I just have to figure out how to get my anxiety to screw off because it’s really affecting my everyday life right now. I try meditation, I deep breathe so much I feel like my lungs are exploding sometimes by how often I have to do it. Anyways another day down.

    • #147041
      Cruising247
      Participant

      Welcome jvr3419,
      Continue to come on and update for your own accountability, sometimes you will get responses and sometimes you won’t.
      But it helps me to stay accountable, so I come on to just update my gamble free days, if nothing more.

      Again, Welcome!
      Cruising247

      • #187910
        polishprincess
        Participant

        Hey I’m new as well!! I just wanted to say I know exactly where you’re coming from!!! It’s sooo hard, I think your working really hard at keeping yourself from gambling, if you ever want to chat I would love to speak to someone who is also female and is a fellow gambling Addict !!

    • #147053
      G Rec
      Participant

      Welcome to the forum jvr3419 and well done on taking a positive step recognizing your problem, and taking action.

      You mentioned self-excluding from every site which is a good step. Have you put in place or considered any other barriers to make it more difficult to gamble, for example having someone else help manage your finances, or software blockers?

      If you haven’t done so, I strongly recommend the new members groups held on Mondays and Thursday which I found very useful when I first joined. There Charles will give great advice on some additional next steps you can take including barriers as mentioned.

    • #147091
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi thanks for the responses and support. Yes I’ve put blockers up and financial arrangements with my partner. The meetings on here however run while I’m in my course so I can’t manage those but I see my gambling counselor every week right now. I dont have any thoughts of gambling. I just am feeling the general repercussions of the mess I’ve made but I’m fortunate that I had put some finances aside to keep me afloat for awhile. The debts a different story all together.I haven’t figured out how to tackle that aspect yet other than trying my best to make all my payments. Anyways I try not to overwhelm myself with that part as I’m just trying to make it to the next day without pulling my hair out. Luckily my course is keeping my brain busy. I go to college come home study and repeat. Once I go back to work next month thats when my brain will start wandering as I’ll be in a mundane routine so thats where I’ll really need to find some good coping skills and other things to fill my time. Gyms have been closed because of covid but I think they’re reopening this week. I found that working out alot helped when I was in early recovery from substances so ill have to apply that again once I’m done school. Anyways thats where I’m at today.

    • #147135
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Another day down not much to say today as I don’t have time to write a novel to myself but I’m still gamble free.

    • #147248
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I was talking to my counselor yesterday how I felt that online gambling uses hypnosis tactics. Which is pretty obvious by how the games are designed. The more time I have away from it the more I see clearly to how they trap you. My counselor told me that gambling sites actually have trained psychology professionals working for them to find different ways to hook there users. Everything I’ve figured out and see now makes me sick. I’m someone who’s always been extremely analytical to human behavior I even took courses to work in mental health and addiction but ended up steering clear as my own traumas were not fully healed yet. Now that I’m finally trying to undo those traumas I’m becoming really angry that I had this behavior relapse. I no the route what made me start gambling a few years ago and I tried to get help for it when I first noticed it by working with a psychologist whom diagnosed me with severe complex ptsd. She however was pretty dismissive of me and didn’t help me much. This was the beginning of the pandemic so I realize that everybody was on edge including someone like my psychologist. Alot of lives got thrown upside-down and the longer I wasn’t getting proper help and disconnect from people,the last few years, the more my addiction flourished. Being stuck at home depressed and swirling around with major trauma issues was the worst thing for feeding my gambling issue. I’m glad I’ve gotten more clear headed because man being stuck in the fuckin trance from hell is horrible. I felt like the only people I was connecting with were the emails between me and the casino managers that loved me spending hundreds of thousands. Of course they sent me numerous luxury items, and would give me counters to reach for my next luxury ” reward”. I even got money back constantly its fucking sick that they would one day send a message saying are you happy with the amount your gambling if your concerned there’s help. Then the next day would send me 500$ and free spins to use. Like what the hell is that. My counselor was also telling me he’d go into casinos to train the employees to recognize problem gambling and what to do about it. He said not once did he ever get to the actual ” helping techniques” as the casino higher ups didn’t give a Fuck. I’m not trying to place blame as I’m probably sounding that way I’m just feeling angry at the industry for praying on people like meself whom is clearly sick. It’s no worse than bars serving the sane customer sitting in the same chair everyday drinking there pain away I suppose. Fuck addiction its horrible. I chose to get stuck in every bad thing I’ve done to numb myself I no that but I hate that my brain decides it needs unhealthy shit to make dopamine because my own stupid brain can’t. The healing journey is such a messy process but it’s worth it I no that.

    • #147436
      vintagehoby
      Participant

      Hey..
      While i was reading your post i had a feeling that i was reading about myself.To be honest i dont know how i came to this point in my life.Its scary when you realize how much you changed because of gambling,how many lies went over your mouth.In my case i put aside my family and girlfriend,i became anxious and angry because of that.When im not gambling it feels that something is missing,that my life is not complete and thats the part that scares me the most.
      About that thing with casinos..They are very organized when it comes to hooking new people,i started playing online casino 2 years ago and i got hooked right away because i won 2 jackpots and thought i will win it evry day.I lost so mich money and nerves doing this.Its a real problem that people are taking easily.
      Wish you all the best on your road to recovery.
      P.S Im sorry for my english,im not native english speaker.

    • #147471
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey thanks for your message. I feel ya its a super tough process realizing the extend of our addiction. That’s why I called it the trance from hell because that’s what it feels like when your sitting there pushing the stupid button over and over and your hands getting numb. I’ve had times where the “healthy” part of me is screaming inside my head to stop. It really is like a angel and demon at war with each other. Through my other recovery journey I learned the signs of my doctor Jeckel Mr hide moments. The bad version ( or the addict verson) always comes out when I’m hiding and not getting the support I need. I sat in NA and AA rooms for Years then I pulled away especially near the beginning of covid. That’s when my bad side of myself started flourishing. I wasn’t talking anymore I was just silent and angry inside. I guess the best part is knowing we’re not alone in this journey.

    • #147473
      vintagehoby
      Participant

      I feel you,there is something thats telling you to stop but you just cant.Indeed its like angel and deamon fighting eachother.I said it many times,i really cant believe how much i changed since i started with gambling.I literaly had a moments like,when im not playing my right hand starts shaking for no reason and there is just this urge to play,to get this dopamine through gambling.I never went to any meetings,this is the first time im telling someone about my problem,really nobody knows about it,and im scared as hell to admit it but i feel that at some point time will come to admit it to my girfriend because i really cannot lie anymore.I have mood swings all the time,and when she asks me why im sad,i just say that i have problem on work or some stupid shit.
      Coming here really helped me because as you said we are not alone and it makes this recovery slightly better,but at the end we need to do it ourselves.

      • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by vintagehoby.
    • #147507
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I don’t no if you have it available where you live but having a counselor is a really big help. My husband is in recovery from substance abuse so when I had to tell him about my gambling problem he was pretty supportive as he understood addiction already. He was angry when I didn’t stop but at least we could communicate about it. I realize that it’s alot harder to tell someone who doesn’t get it. I’ve read people’s family stories where they’re losing there mind on how could there significant other do this to them. It’s really hard to explain that were not trying to destroy them or even ourselves for that matter its the addiction itself. I said that to my husband last night we no longer see money as money its much more than that. My counselor said he helps his patients sit down and tell the partner or family with them so its easier so sometimes that’s an option to. There is a saying though that says your only as sick as your secrets. So the longer we hide the worse it is. It’d definitely a painful process but once the wound is out in the open it will finally have the ability to heal.

    • #147519
      vintagehoby
      Participant

      From where i come from people are very conservative about this.I mean,of course i think its better to admit it to your family and partner but its very though thing to do for me.In my case money just isnt important anymore.I just say,il try my hardest to stop because i want to do it.Wish you the same.

    • #147710
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Still gamble free. My husband left though this morning told me he can’t trust me. He said its not over but he needs space for awhile so he’s rented an apartment. I’m definitely hating myself more and more now. I hate addiction and what it does to people. It’s ruined my life more times than I can count. All I can do is move forward and keep trying to keep myself away from toxic behaviors. I didn’t want to be woth him anymore either it was to hard for me to try and look him in the eye and not feel shame. I hope that being apart will help me deal with my own shit on my own time so I dont feel rushed through my healing process. It’ll help big time to just be alone and process trauma and everything else that comes along with getting through an addiction. I wish I could turn back the clocks and fix everything that started me down a distrustful path bit I can’t. So here’s to another day gamble free and just moving on.

    • #147711
      vintagehoby
      Participant

      Hey,i ve been away couple of days,i relapsed again 3 days ago and i was not able to write here because i felt ashamed.I really dont have words to explain how i feel right now.Hope i will find strenght again and move on.
      In my opinion,maybe is better to be alone for some time,because all the people will just judge you and say that only thing you need to do is stop.To be honest i feel better not telling anyone expect my best friend who was addict also.Im glad that you found your way,keep haters and negativw people away,and jist keep that goal in your head.
      Im proud of you.You inspired me ❤️

    • #147713
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey Vintagehoby glad your back on here. I wish I could say that the process doesn’t get messy like it just did for me but it’s part of the journey of healing. I’m glad that you can at least see that there is an ability to get through the tough times without needing to “use” whatever addiction it is we have to numb the feelings. I have had many addictions so I could self distruct in many different ways right now but I dont want to. I’ve worked really hard to keep myself away from gambling and substances to want to retreat to those. The partners or family/friends will need time as we cause alot of trauma to them. I’ve accepted that and thats all we can do as people in recovery. Wishing you another 24 take care 😊

    • #147717
      scottie2scottie
      Participant

      Hey Everyone,
      My name is Scott.. first day reaching out for help with my gambling.. stared online gambling about 2 years ago , Been a downhill battle ever since.. looking for any adice on how to stop

    • #147721
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey Scott, welcome to this site.
      This is a good first step. The first thing I would do is self exclude from all the sites your using and add a gambling blocker to your device. I no theres meetings on here that you can join but GA is available all over the world to. Unfortunately where I live there isn’t meetings right now so I’ve been working with a gambling therapist and talking to people through these gambling therapy sites. The best thing you can do is start talking to people about it and start identifying your triggers.

    • #147722
      scottie2scottie
      Participant

      Thanks jvr3419,
      That’s a big problem I have is speaking to people and trying to identify my trigger… shit where do i begin?

    • #147739
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey Scott well you can start writing on here If you’d like I’m finding its helping me to just get my thoughts out in the open. As you might have noticed we each have our own posts we start on this forum. Say whatever you need to get off your chest. Nobody here will judge you as we’re all in the same place as you just trying to overcome this addiction. Alot of people also talk in meetings and or to a counselor to which I highly recommend.

    • #147762
      scottie2scottie
      Participant

      Hey,
      Kinda disappointed in myself .. left for lunch at work stopped into a gas station to get a drink .. ended up spending a 100 dollars on stupid scratch tickets.
      Geeeesssss I just can’t stop .. between online gambling.. lottery tickets.. scratch tickets .. things has gotten out of control🥱

    • #147771
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey Scott,

      I’m happy your posting here instead of hiding it thats the best thing to do. Now your starting to recognize the unmanageable part of having the disease part of addiction. To be honest the reason I stopped was because my husband called me on it. Usually it takes a good shake or scare of losing something or someone to really snap us out if it. Not in all cases of course but it certainly helps to reset our brains to be like ok if I don’t stop now where am I going to be in the future. My stepmom told me a story of her uncle last night how he gambled away his house, his wife,his kids everything. It took him years to stop and when he finally did he ended up getting remarried and had his kids again, and he bought another home eventually. I’m in the process of trying to regain my husband’s trust thats going to take time and I’m willing to wait for him to heal from my mistakes. We have to take responsibility in what were doing and look at the harm it’s doing outside of ourselves to really get that smash in the face wake up call. Addiction stems from so many things I found right away that I was running from a traumatic or many trauma related things that started my gambling problem. Now I’m starting to feel those things and man it fucking sucks but I no that I have to fix those problems in my unconscious mind to be free from needing ” something” to stop those painful memories/ feelings ect. I truly hope you keep writing here and really try to find someone in your area you can connect with.

    • #147775
      vintagehoby
      Participant

      I think biggest step that has to be done is telling your partner and your family that you are gambler.It is most difficult thing for me and i suppose it is the same for you.Iv been fighting this disease 2 years now,and when i remmeber the times before i was gambler i get some hope and strenght that i can fight it and eventualy win.We are all here to support eachother,so be open about yourself,it will make your mindstate better.

    • #147792
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I was just thinking as I was going through some stories on here of a documentary I watched on Vegas.It showed homeless people living in tunnels underneath the casinos. The majority of these people being interviewed were extremely addicted to gambling. I never once thought about the fact that I could get to that level in my life. The harsh reality is all it could take is me to screw up one more time and I could be right on the streets. If anything is a wakeup call to me it’s how fast it can take to get to that point in life. I personally refuse to let myself go out that way. I may not have hundreds of thousands in the bank anymore but I honestly don’t care. I really am just happy to finally dealing with the pain I’m in. I’ve been unhappy all my life for many reasons. Even though I’m feeling sad about my separation I’m doing ok. Today I had a random guy in my course give me a hug because he just thought I needed it. This kid is a little player yes and probably sniffed out my vulnerability a mile away but he acknowledged that I was in pain and to be honest noone has ever done that. People are so busy in there own worlds that they don’t take time to really be there for one another anymore. The kid did approach me later and said well if you want to take your mind off things I no someone. I shut that down quick but he actually was good about it and told me he actually was crying in his truck before he saw me sad in the hallway. He said I no I sleep around but deep down I just want to find the girl I want to marry so I get your pain right now. To me even though he was resorting to some sleezy methods we both were able to help each other today by just being real and vulnerable. I’m in school for sheet metal so these dudes Including myself are rough and pretty non emotional sharing people as most of us trades people are. If I was still in my addict mode I would of missed that moment with someone that probably needed it just as much as I did to be heard and acknowledged. I no this scenario has nothing to do with gambling but to me it shows improvement in my ability to be vulnerable and open with someone. That’s how I ended up in addiction again is I was closed up so damn tight with huge walls up around me that I wouldn’t allow myself to feel sad,vulnerable and or express what was going on with me. I most definitely would not hug another human i don’t no well either.Fuck knows I wanted to be this tough girl that couldn’t be broken. I am writing this stuff for myself on here so I can look back at it one day. So whomever reads my novels here I apologize but getting my thoughts out on here is what’s saving my ass right now. I hope maybe me sharing my vulnerable stories can help someone else to.

    • #147794
      scottie2scottie
      Participant

      Ohh how the urges are kicking in .. I am lying here in bed my cell phone right next to me .. I want to pick it up so bad and go online gambling.. people say when you get the urge to find something to occupy your mind .. I suffer from PTSD ,anxiety and depression .. I try to avoid people as much as possible.. I forgot about all the things I use to love to do .. all the drug use over the years has messed with my memory.. than people say you got to get to the root of the problem that there was trauma in my life that’s why I turned to gambling.. so here I am sitting in bed and going back to the first thing I can remember as a child.. and wow I was triggered right away.. and what was the first thing I wanted to do .. go online gambling..,Jesus this is going to be hard😲

    • #147796
      jvr3419
      Participant

      You got this dude. You came here and wrote all that down that’s huge. I’m super proud of ya. I understand that pain believe me I have severe ptsd to its not joke thats for sure. I get what your going through that’s why the blockers on your phone and self excluding are so important right now. You can do this

    • #147848
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today’s been a bit emotional for me. I’ve cried probably like 10 times which is not my MO at all. I definitely letting some shit out and its uncomfortable as all hell. My family finally knows the whole extent of my addiction as I had to explain why my husband left. I was honest about the gambling problem but not in how much money I lost. My stepmom told my dad for me as I was terrified to here his response. He texted me today telling me he’s here for me and that he understands as he’s made alot of life mistakes to. My dad’s in recovery from drug and alcohol abuse as well as a compulsive spending problem. Not gambling but he caused alot of fincial damage for him and his wife the last few years when he was depressed. I guess the apple dont fall far from the tree as the saying goes. Years ago my sister had got a huge settlement and blew all her money on drugs,booze, and not hundreds of scratch tickets that I found under her couch. My dad lost his mind on her so I was expecting that same response. I’ve always been the one that’s done well and cleaned up my partying habits in my early 20s so I felt I had been on this pedestal to everyone. My brothers an active addict to so my dad was always proud that at least one of us had our shit together or so he thought. I have an immense feeling of guilt that I blew all the hard earned sobriety time I had to this new addiction. It really sucks but all I can do is try and stay positive and keep moving forward. What’s done is done right like what else can us humans do but make a bunch of stupid mistakes and learn from them. I texted my dad back saying that if anything I’ve learned that I can never let my guard down in regards to being an addict. I’m always going to be one. But the one positive is I haven’t picked up a drink or drugs throughout this entire addiction faze I’ve been in and im proud of that.

    • #147849
      vintagehoby
      Participant

      Hey,im glad that you told your family about the problem,it was probably hardest thing to do,right?
      After all,they will be always there to help you and love you.My mother was telling me the same thing my whole life,you cant have 10 true friends in your life,your family,or parents to be exact are the ones who will love you and do whatever is needed to help you.Others will turn their backs to you eventualy.I still didnt tell my brother and my mom about my problem.Im waiting for job to be availabe abroad and to leave for period of one year.I have some debts to,portion of that debts are because pf gambling,but i hope i will find a way to pay it back.
      Im proud of you because you won battle against alchohol and drugs,thats not an easy thing,keep your head up,that means that you are mentaly strong now.You dont need booze or drugs to get out pf the problem.

    • #147864
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Im glad you have that close relationship with your family it’s important. Support is huge for us. It takes time to be honest it has for me but I’ve had alot of practice from my past endeavors admitting my wrongs to.

      It definitely was hard admitting that I screwed up to my stepmom. I had told my Dad about 6 months ago I had a gambling problem and he kept it to himself I just figured he understood being an addict himself. I reworded my last post wrong when I said they didn’t no how much money I lost. That was the part I admitted the other night was that my inheritance was gone except for a small amount im living on right now. There’s alot of shame telling anyone I lost 100s of thousands and ended it debt again. God just writing that makes me want to throw up. I still can’t process how I managed to do that so fast. It’s not easy releasing this shit out at all. Telling people is the hardest part. The reactions especially from whom your spouse is will always be the worst. I’ve been in alot of addiction based relationships before and have stuck buy trying to get a few of my exes help with substance abuse. The last one I successfully quit with because we both needed help. I did leave the relationships eventually because the people were not getting help and became abusive or started using again. I honestly don’t blame my husband for leaving. He’s been sober and clean for 11 years and to watch me lie and mess up over and over with gambling was a huge trust breaker. The fact that my addiction took me to that dark of a place is scarey as fuck. Somehow during it I rationalized that it wouldn’t hurt him as it was my own money I was losing. The money I got for inheritance was supposed to buy us a new home. I ruined both our lives. This is what rock bottom looks like I literally tied my own anchors to my feet. The nice part is my family/friends/husband understand how I got to this point. They no my history and trauma so they see why I ended up this way so they no I wasn’t self destructing for no reason. I’ve been suicidal all my life to and I’d being lying if I said I didn’t think about going out the easy way so I dont have to feel the pain I’m in anymore but I’m choosing to fight my ass off to make my life into something right now. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional is the saying. I figure I only have to suffer if I continue to let myself so instead I chose HOPE which I learned in my other support groups means hold on pain ends. I’m laughing at myself writing these sayings but sometimes words are all I have to keep my head straight. Anyways on to another day. Stay positive to whoever may read this things can get better if we put the work in.

    • #147894
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I swear I’m going to end up having to make a book based on how much I’m writing on this platform right now lol. I have to keep venting
      This stuff out in my head though because I’m royally fd up between the ears right now. I had a hard day again today I ended up walking out of my shop at my school I was making a copper project and I made a mistake and just broke down. I left the school and went to a store trying to search for a material I could use to fix my mistake but I was crying the whole time walking through the store. Lucky were still wearing masks where I live so I can somewhat hide behind it. I came home to my dog( thank God I have him or I’d be worse). And I fell to my knees on the floor crying uncontrollably my dog started licking my tears off my face ( yes I no gross but it helped me feel better). I’m trying so hard to stay positive but I’m really exhausted mentally,emotionally and everything in between. I’m in the middle of the hardest course I’ve ever been in my life. I’m being pumped full of so much information and constant tests that I’m beyond overwhelmed. My traumas are full frontal in my mind as I’m doing intense trauma healing work with my therapist. I’ve never been alone before either I’ve always lived with someone since I was young so I’m having a hard time coming home to an empty space other than my dog. I still don’t want to gamble at all because I no its not going to help me. The only thing it did was turn my brain off from everything else. All this shit I’m pouring out into these long ass posts would be bottled up and pushed back into my mind as I’d be sitting there pushing the fucking button on my phone. I still can feel how damn fast my heart would race from that dopamine hit. It actually was the same feeling I used to get when I did lines back in the day. My therapist did say to me the first day I walked into his office that I was pretty much a cokehead all over again because its the same high when I’m gambling. Talk about a good smack in the face there. Anyways I needed to write some of this out so I can be a bit more clear headed to study for yet another exam.

    • #147897
      scottie2scottie
      Participant

      Hey jrv3419,
      When you are dealing with trauma,
      Depression, and anxiety every day is going to be a battle , from getting out of bed to getting,a shower to eating , to going to work .. I know it’s hard I struggle with it every day.. I was told to concentrate on the good memories you have in life .. now mind you I don’t have many but I am finding the more I think about them the less stress I am having .. because I am focusing on the positive in my life .. not the negative things that happened and are going on..
      It’s hard to do .. but when u find yourself thinking negative catch your self and start thinking about all the good memories positive things that happened in your life.. and if you keep doing that over a period of time you will notice a difference in yourself.

    • #147899
      vintagehoby
      Participant

      I i dont know if i have deppresion,but probably i do,really dont know.Since my father died nothing was the same.I was trying to do my best in life,to make him proud upstairs.But since that day i was never truly happy,he was not there when i bought my first car,when i invented in our house from money that i earned abroad,really thats a big whole that probably never will be filled.Im really sad that you have to go through this,its good that you cried,its the best way to let the bad thoughts out.I sure cant imagine what are you going through,iv never been drug addict,i v been using marijuana for some period of time but that was long ago.I just feel you when you write in these posts,you seem like a honest and caring person.Dont let anyone bring you down,you deserve to have happy life and there is always a chance.Keep your head up,sun will shine again.

    • #147905
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks guys for your kind words. I hope you guys are doing well to 😊 Being vulnerable is the hardest part makes me feel icky lol. I’m so sorry for your loss vintagehoby. I lost my mom when I was 11 and never new my biological father so I completely understand what your talking about. My grandma raised me and I watched her die right in my hands about 4 years ago now. I literally was holding her hand when she passed. Fd me right up man. I was a careaid for 10 years and delt with hospice/palliative care all the time but she was technically my mom so it hit differently.Depression unfortunately is a huge prerequisite for addiction thats why we’re looking for that “dopamine high” unconsciously of course. It’s not like we all woke up one day and decided hey let’s make gambling our antidepressant right. I just started laughing to myself because I’m so used to being around just males now since I work in trades so I’ve learned to become more hardened since I left the healthcare field. Showing this much emotion and crying makes me feel like a wimp but I also forget sometimes that I’m still an emotionally charged female I just have some thicker skin from being broke down by my old school Foreman. You show any emotion or weakness and they will break you in half. I always hated that machoism bs and now here I am trying to convince myself it’s OK to express my feelings they literally beat the soft out of me lol.

    • #147968
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I just saw this IG post saying that everyday we’re presented with two choices we evolve or we repeat. So true though. My grandma was a spiritualist she raised me to see that our souls are entities that are here on earth to relearn what they did not learn and grow from in there past life. One thing that I lost immensely in the last 2 years has been my “spirtual outlet”. I was also raised with first nations culture so I have a combination of old English spiritualism and beliefs based on the creator and natural ways of living and connecting to everything in nature. I used to practice sweat ceremonies, and smudge daily, I was always surfing and hiking in nature. I’ve always been an open book person though and would take a little bit from every spirtual or religious practice that there is out there. I always could see that there was something to learn from everyone’s views on those things.The therapist I chose is actually someone who based his practice around taosim which is huge for me as I honor many of those philosophies. He smiled the first day he saw me as he recognized that I have a huge ohm symbol tattooed on my chest. I put it there so everytime I looked in the mirror it makes me see that I need to connect to my spirtual side. But the last 2 years I didn’t look in the mirror much. I didn’t like my reflection anymore so I stopped looking other than seeing an external body. I stopped looking at who I was inside because frankly that person inside has been dead. I stopped surfing, I didn’t go hiking as frequently as I used to. I stopped practicing any form of spirtual stuff. I literally just went to work, came home went on my phone and gambled or watched TV. Now mind you we were all forced to live a pretty isolated life the last 2 years but I could of done more. I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world and instead of soaking in the beauty it has to offer. I shackled myself to this addiction from hell. I have the most insane view where I’m living right now. Everyday now I get up and I have a huge view of open ocean with a bunch of farm animals in front of it. Mostly sheep and dogs hearding them around but it’s almost fairy tale like. Last summer I had my own private beach with a huge house now losing that wasn’t my fault. My aunt wanted her half of her inheritance so I had to give it up but something broke in me giving that home up. My entire life had been in that home. I would sit for hours in this huge art studio my grandpa build just painting away and going through all his artwork ( he died when I was born) but he was the most amazing artist. I guess you could say the moment I closed that door behind be me the grief came flying out. Now I’m feeling it alot because I stopped gambling to numb out. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again even if it is a bit more emotional and messy right now.

    • #147969
      sierra2222
      Participant

      Hi. I’ve been gambling since I was a kid playing poker at family parties with change that I had saved up. Then 20 years ago I got hooked on slot machines.
      I’ve tried to quit on my own but yesterday I really messed up and realized I have no control and I need help. I attended my first GA meeting today and it was a relief to connect with people who understood. I never want to gamble again, but I have said this before and then ended up in a casino again when I have more money and the shock of the loss has faded. I hope I can fight the urges when they come back. This is the first time in 20 years of knowing I have a problem that I have reached out for help and support. Before I thought just “not thinking about gambling or trying to forget my mistakes” would fix this addiction.
      The urge would always come back and I felt like the only way to get rid of that feeling was to gamble. I justified it with being more motivated to work when I lost money.
      I am thankful I found support online and I don’t feel so alone now.
      I had the urge to gamble again today to try to win my losses back with the small amount I have left, but instead I cut my debit card up and transferred the little money I have left to another account that I can’t withdraw from. I hope I stick with this and don’t lose control again.

    • #147904
      carriegroner
      Participant

      Hi there! My name is Sheri and this is the first time I have reached out for help. I’ve gambled for 10 years with this last year uncontrollably. I just read all your posts and it’s so familiar. I’m a hair stylist so my husband doesn’t know how much $ I make (or gamble). I owe friends and am behind on bills. My addiction is those damn slot shops. They are everywhere. If I have an hour break I walk to spend more than I made that day. I have canceled clients because I want to stay and try to win $ back. My emotions are over the place and My husband says I’m moody, ugh. Maybe so but this shit has given me mental breakdowns couple of times cuz I’ve lost so much. My husband thinks they were caused by my depression. If he only knew. He doesn’t trust me (I don’t blame him, guilty). He’s caught me in lies when I’m suppose to be at work but I’m out pushing stupid buttons for hours. I don’t like who I have become. Just want you to know by reading your posts/replies it gives me hope. You are an inspiration to others as you have overcome so much already. THANK YOU for posting.

    • #148114
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi carriegroner and sierra2222 welcome to this site. I’m finding its really helping me get all the shit out of my head and allowing me to just start processing why I became a gambling addict.

      I had a bad session with my therapist the other day it brought up some of my worst traumas visually and I cried so hard on my way home. Not having my husband around to comfort me through the pain was even worse. I had to actually sit in it by myself and really feel it. I ended up getting out with a good friend yesterday so I was able to have someone to physically communicate everything to which was good. Being alone trying to heal is super tough but I believe is nessicary. When your in a relationship and healing your emotions are all over. The other person tends to get the repercussions of your healing. You might have angry days or days you don’t stop crying and I don’t think anyone wants to me around that shit. When I first got into NA and AA it was recommended to be single for a year for this exact reason. Not everyone is single coming into recovery but I no alot of people that seperate for awhile like how me and my husband just did. We both have so much work to do on ourselves. The more I talked things out with my friend the more I started to see how bad our relationship was. Shes my hubbys bfs wife so she knows us both well. My gambling got the worst when I sold my grandmas house last August. We had to move into an rv together because we couldn’t find a house or rental and living in small quarters just ruined us more. It just made our already shoved down problems escalate. I’ve been starting to have fear about money though. Even though I have a bit I’m used to splitting fincial stuff like bills,groceries ect with my husband so now I’m scared on how I’m going to make it alone. My course is done this week so I go back to work the following Monday. With my high interest rate debt I’m going to be sucked dry of money really fast so I’m definitely going to have to look into debt relief programs. I’ve never had to do it before and I hate that to survive I’m going to need to but it’s another repercussion of the mess I made.

    • #148168
      jvr3419
      Participant

      yesterday I had to see my husband for the first time since he left. As I needed some help with my trailer. It was extremely akward and I felt like strangers. I can tell he’s messed up and it broke me in half when he left to go to his own place again. My Dad phoned me to check on me as he lives in another city a plane ride away. He wanted so badly to be here to help me through this. He said when your in pain so am I. I cried alot with him and opened up alot. We’ve had a strained relationship all my life he was extremely abusive most of my life especially in my childhood. He blamed himself alot for what’s wrong with me psychologically and said he wishes he could change the past but he can’t. He said my mom would be here with me in an instant if she was alive comforting me so he feels like he should be. He said one thing to me that made me feel the most pain though. He said if my husband truly loved me he wouldn’t of left, he said regardless of what I’ve done that man should of stayed to help me through this and no that I’m trying to fight as hard as I can to beat this addiction and mental health problem. He said people who love you don’t leave you behind. I tried to rationalize in my head what he was saying. Maybe he’s just angry that he could walk away from me like that and is being protective by what he’s saying. My mom never left him through his addiction she went through hell with my dad but she never left his side. She made sure before she died that he sought treatment and got help and he did. The last thing she saw was him sober for a little over a year before she passed so she had some good times with him. I dont no if what he’s saying is right I never walked away from my partners in the past through there additions I fought like hell with them. I left those relationships because they never sought mental health help and became physically abusive thats where I drew a line. As soon as my husband asked me to get help I did. And I’ve been fighting ever since. But I always felt like he was shut off and just not present. He suffers from a severe head injury from an accident he had 4 Years ago. He’s never been the same person again. Part of why I pushed away from him alot is because he became angry alot, more impatient and frustrated by life. I think part of gambling was helping me numb out from the person he became I needed an escape from him and all the other shit that was going on in my head. I really felt like smoking yesterday I quit that years and years ago but had a small smoking lapse when my husband’s accident happened. He was trapped in a wheel chair for months and half his body was broken so it was a hard time and smoking numbed me out then. I quit after a month of starting. But yesterday I was craving it for the first time since then. My brains looking for an escape I thought about gambling to briefly as my fears of money crept in yesterday to. Luckily I just pushed through the night and didn’t give in to either craving. I have the thoughts but I don’t need to act on them. Where your sitting along with yourself its dangerous with those stupid thoughts but it’s up to me to fight through the addictive part of my brain. I’m learning healthy coping mechanisms. I turn on a meditation now, and I talk to people, or write these novels out. I get annoyed at how much I share on these posts because I struggle with letting people no me but I no this is nessicary for me get better so thats why I write so much stuff.

    • #148174
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      Let it put if it heals. If it’s too much for some they can read it in pieces. I feel your pain when you post and if that helps you feel like there is someone out there who is connected to you, then that’s great. If it 1helps, that is what it is meant to do. I too feel that by posting to you and others that I am accountable for my actions. It helps me and so I do it.
      I have watched shows on addiction before and often they advise spouses to leave the situation in order for the addict to seek help. Sometimes it is what’s best for both. I think your father is naive to state that the spouse should never leave. Each situation is different. A marriage is a union of two people and it should be a beneficial one for both. He cannot stay in it for you if it is not what is good for him. He may be so overburdened by his own situation that he cannot help you with yours. Or perhaps he didnt want you to be burdened with him while dealing with your own traumas. It could be many things. When you are better, feeling more like a conversation about your direction in your future, it’s a conversation you can have. Now you just need to work on you and perhaps look forward to the day when you can be a more healthy participant in a healthy relationship

    • #148195
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Ya true facts there lol. Thanks for what you said about the posts and connection. I’m a pretty deep person but Im also not afraid to write. I guess that’s one thing NA and AA gave me was the ability to speak openly to other addicts. I actually phoned my NA sponsor today I asked her to do a set of steps with me again. She’s pretty good about tailoring steps to whatever your going through. I’ve probably done 20 sets with her over the years. Everything from eating disorders, to grief and my other addictions and codependency. I pushed away from her the last year alot. I’ve talked to her on the rare occasion but told her I was ashamed to admit that my addiction to gambling came back last summer. That was a huge step for me so now I’m glad to start getting my real recovery back again. I definitely recommend doing stepwork it helps me everytime I do them. I refuse to let myself end up in this situation ever again so I’m gonna take everything I no and apply it to keep myself away from gambling again. Seeking out a support system that understands is the key. My Dad wasn’t right about the thing with my husband no but he did tell me to seek out my sponsor again as he nos shes first nations and helps ground me back to my spirituality. My dad’s native to so he tries to remind me when I’m messed up to go do a sweat lodge or smudge and connect with the earth again. I’m excited for my future for the first time I see the good things that are coming from me being open and honest.

    • #148262
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I spoke to my NA sponsor again tonight. I was feeling off because my 10 year sobriety/clean date is coming up on the 19th. I asked her if I have to restart my clean time since I ended up in another addiction. She said she feels because I didn’t use substances again that I should still technically be able to claim my 10 years of sobriety/clean time. I was happy to hear that as I worked hard to beat those addictions. Though
      I have gained a gambling addiction i guess I will need to treat it separately from the substance ones. I’m glad I can say I’ve been free from gambling for 45 days now. I no that I can do this because I understand that I will never be able to control it.

    • #148267
      ujju197
      Participant

      Hello @jvr3419

      Read your posts and your emotions spill in all your post too.

      I have just one piece of suggestion, Gambling addiction is totally of different level as compared to others. It ruins your family, relations, and finances.

      and, this addiction cant be cured so we all just need to be stay with addiction in the same room, but we have to be at different corner of that room. And, lastly its our choice how we are going to stay away from it “so just stay away from the first bet. A quote from a user “We win, when we dont play”.

    • #148273
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      To me it seems that we have so much in common. You are a person that is prone to addiction, I am a person who is prone to obsession. I have never had an addiction ( except smoking, which I gave up without even trying when I became pregnant with my daughter many years ago – it made me sick so I had to stop) but I am prone to becoming obsessed with things as they peak my interest. I have had food issues, home remodeling obsessions, fitness obsession and on and on. I can’t do anything new without becoming totally obsessed with it until the fire for it explodes and burns out. This is my first addiction and J admire you for having overcome other addictions for such a long period of time. It would be sk wishy to fall back into those after the life you have been living, and you must give yourself so much more credit than you are for staying sober. If you can overcome those additions then I have no doubt that you can kick this ones ass. You have inner strength. You know that it is there, you just have to tap into it, bring it to the front of your mind, and let it take over. Let it at your gambling addiction. It will win. If you dont think it will then it will not win. Half the battle of doing anything difficult is knowing that you can. Know that you can because you have done it before. Hope that you have a great day and keep counting up!!!

    • #148313
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey ujju197 thanks for feeling like you could get through all my words on here. I no I have alot to say lol. My sponsor kind of mentioned the same thing about what you said with treating them seperate. She was saying she doesn’t no to many gamblers in our other programs but has met the odd few. It’s definitely not talked about at all in those meetings. I accidently was in a GA meeting about 5 years ago. I remeber sitting there wondering how I accidently went to the wrong meeting. I didn’t leave though as I new that an addict is an addict so any words in that meeting could have impact. The stories weren’t entirely different other than I noticed the suicidal tendencies were talked about more intensly. The same pain and turmoil is all the same though. But they are entirely different yes in that fact that were technically more concious when gambling. I could argue that a bit though because I don’t remember the majority of the time I was gambling I was literally zoned the hell out on it. I was completely dissociated everytime. The mornings were the worst because I’d wake up not remembering what I had spent the night before. I had very brief memory of what or how much I played. I first thought I had DID( split personalities) or something because I couldn’t fathom how I could do all that damage. I was always really good with money up till the gambling problem start. I was eventually diagnosed with complex ptsd with dissociation but not with different personalities. So I was completely leaving my concious mind when gambling I guess maybe I precieved it as another trauma I dont no. Realistically it is we no its wrong, doing damage, causing harm to ourselves. I can still hear my inner voice screaming at myself to stop as I played. I even have an inner sense a humor because I’d start singing im a gambling man (but I change it to women) song inside my head as I was playing. How fucked up is that lol. Being bat shit crazy is so much fun I tell ya.

    • #148338
      ujju197
      Participant

      Just from no where, want to share my day to day sufferings in this recovery.

      Every morning from last one month I used to wake up on positive node, start my work. But as day passes on someone in the family or a lender knock my mental gates. And it act as gasoline in the burning woods. The worst part of all my wrongdoings, I still used to lie to my loved ones who are someone concerned about me. I don’t know how to cope with all this.

      At this stage, I assume that my real family is this GA group only, to whom I can share everything. I knew, we can just listen to each other, help them emotionally; but I assume that is the biggest support we need at the moment.

      One more observation, Money is not important but it act as a catalyst for all the relations we have. When you burn money, like we gamblers used to do; everyone take corner and avoid us.

    • #148354
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Ya because money is equal to survival. People perceive us as dangerous threats because we have the ability to make it disappear without hesitation. Sad reality once your gamble free for awhile. Anyone will react angry or discouraged if you take away from a need of theres. That’s probably why we start to feel the despair so deeply. That and the fact we have to start making our own dopamine again. That’s the hard part, some might need meds, others just push through it till the brain starts making its own naturally. That’s where it gets tricky if you have mental health issues like many of us do. Of course the trust issue being broken to is the biggest issue to whom is close to us. Most people if they love you can probably forgive the money part but the lying that’s the end all game. We lie because we no were doing wrong. We’re trying to protect ourselves from the backlash that comes with having an addiction. We’re ashamed so we try to cover up what we’re doing. The manipulation and lying to get money is the worse part. Luckily I only spent my own money but I do understand that obsession to want to find it to keep playing. I think we get angry at people’s reactions to us because it’s that fight or flight response. We feel attacked when we’re already at our lowest. We no that we’ve caused damage and have alot of shame,guilt,remorse. Being constantly reminded of it is hard when your trying to get better and do the right thing. At the end of the day were just humans that have made mistakes and we get to move on. If people in prison can be reformed and brought back into society,forgiven, and aloud to continue there lives the best they can than so can us addicts. We have done some damage but we get a second chance when we make it to the surrendered recovery stage. It’s a messy road but I no we’ll come stronger on the other side. I always say there is a light at the end of the tunnel we just need a bigger flashlight. And with the automatic negative thoughts that’s occur. I call them my “ants” I try to picture myself running around squishing red ants in my brain. I’m an artist so I like visual representations of things and sometimes that helps me visually see what’s going on between the ears.

    • #148400
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m trying to go to sleep as I have my test for my redseal ticket in the morning. Im feeling anxious, but I’m proud because I got a high percent on my course final today so I passed my course. I dont no how I managed to pass with all the shit going on in my life but I did. My anxiety is making ny brain circle around with painful memories right now. Some kid brought up how his dad was a gunmen in the army or something and we started talking about fathers. My biological father is a murderer. I never met him I was brought up by my step-dad whom I talk about in these posts. My bio dad was a heroin addict and ended up killing someone during one of his gang related activities. I dont think about him much but every once in awhile I get this weird feeling that I need to tell someone of the loss I feel and knowing I have a murder as a father. I no people can get better and all that but I later in life found out he did some other horrible things to women. This type of stuff is what I used to avoid thinking about. I have my own traumas to deal with let alone wanting to think about what that man did to people. This is when I would usually start escaping to gamble because my brain does this shit to me it starts thinking and spiraling around. Even more so now that I’m living alone. I guess writing this shit out of my head is maybe a good way to be free of it so I can focus on my test in the morning. Anyways I haven’t gambled I chose to come here and sacrifice some internal literature for the night.

    • #148402
      ujju197
      Participant

      Hello @jvr3419

      First of all Heartiest Congratulations for achieving one feat, and request you to keep focus to achieve the Next level. (by clearing the next exam). This is kind of good signs during the bad time.

      Don’t think of past, it always haunt. Whenever you think that past or anything else is pushing your towards the demon, try to write here or where you feel comfortable. Talk to your friends and loved ones who cares for you, or talk with GA community with whom you are comfortable. Because whatever the stage/iusse is “Sharing is Caring” and the best healing touch.

    • #148489
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m glad today is over. I can start back to a normal life routine again. I celebrated my course finish by buying myself some new tools lol. I could of bought flowers as I made this really cool copper vase while I was at school but I like shiny things more. I had a session with my counselor today I let alot of stuff out. I’m starting to notice I’m alot calmer even when I feel sad. I used to be sooooo angry all the time. I could snap in a drop of a hat but I haven’t been at all. I’m super content even though at times I feel lonely and sad, which I think is just natural especially through a breakup. I can feel my ptsd issues starting to get better. I didn’t think it was possible but this guy I have helping me is really actually helping me. I’ve had cognitive behavior therapy since I was a little girl. My mom was a psych nurse so she through me into treatment after my first stents of abuse started as a toddler. None of that shit ever helped me so I kinda wrote it off as being useless to me. I think now that I’m a more mature age of 34 (lol) I’m ready to let go of everything. I just want to be happy I never have been fully so I no this is the time. Being an addict is tough because it loves to toy with you inside but I’m going to fight that dark side of me with everything I got.

    • #148516
      jvr3419
      Participant

      My husband messaged me asking if I needed help this weekend. I lied and said no. I truthfully just want to be away from him. He asked for a separation so I really just want that separation. I no he’s lonely and so am I but having akward and surfaced contact with each other is not good for me. Its close to vday so I no its hard for us both. Lonliness is the biggest reason alot of people relapse. But I refuse to be that statistic. Going and hitting a button on a merry go round ride that’s just going to make me feel like shit after is not worth the high for me. I don’t want it I just want to learn to actually feel the emotions I’m having so that I don’t push them down and repress them more. I’m sick of being emotionally null and void. I have to learn to feel lonely and be ok with it. I have my dog, my friends, family I can phone. I don’t need a man to fix my heart I have to do that myself. He nos that to thats why he left. My heart was already broken from all my other pain and loss. I had no ability to really ever let another human in. I feel like I surface love people but don’t truly connect with them the way I’m supposed to. Its my armor and untill that is shed I have to be alone. As Rupaul says if you can’t love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Lol I just qouted a drag queen but I love that guy he’s creative,admirable,and nos who he is. I aspire to be that person myself one day. I’m working on it one day at a time

    • #148568
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      It’s funny that we all talk about doing things “one day at a time” as if we have a choice. If I could do it, I would do this gambling therapy one week at a time, or one month at a time , so that I would be assured I would hit at least a 7 day gamble free mark in a row. Alas, I am like all other mortals and have no choice but to try this one day at a time as well. I read your post above and marvel that you are only 34. So much life lived, and such a hard one in such a short amount of time can be hard to make sense of. I feel that pain. I had that sort of life up until my mid twenties and then started to slow down in to my thirties. My gambling didn’t happen until my fifties and now I am starting to understand why. I didnt do as you are doing now, deal with all of the darkness that clouded my mind and heart. I buried it really deep. I always wanted to be that person who was so strong and logical that I made sense of it all on my mind. It happened in the past, so just let it go. People did what they did to me to hurt me and I wasnt going to let it, so I let it go. But I didn’t let it go. Like you, I have it somewhere in me and you cant grow anything good in ground that is contaminated. I have been told that I gamble to avoid thoughts and feelings that are difficult for my mind to process. Those things are 40 + years old and have been festering for so long that I dont think that I really want to take a look at them. Your healing is reassuring and maybe you will be the success story i need to hear about. I need to be whole, no matter how old i am, and so do you. We have control. We have to find it. We are no different than anyone else ,our minds just work a little differently. Let’s stop feeling like we don’t belong to the human race and join in on living life. It’s insane that all of those people out there who are not gambling addicts do not have an issue with avoiding casinos and gambling sites. What do they do instead? They live. They shop and hike. They read books and make dinner. They watch t.v. and knit. There are so many other things to do. Why cant we just do those things. The other day I started to bake nanaimo bars, sat down for a coffee, started to gamble and did nothing else for 6 hours. ????? What happened to me? Didnt finish the nanaimo bars. I need to tap into why my mind switches to gambling when I am otherwise engaged. You need to know that you are doing great, sounding great and doing the only thing that any human being can do, taking the struggle one day a time, like all good humans do.

    • #148581
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Why do us addicts destroy ourselves is a good question. I keep replaying those thoughts over and over. Hiw could i have wasted 2 years of my life destroying it. I thought I had all my trauma dealt with already. I did alot of my stepwork over the years around it. However, I think all it did was bring it back into consciousness. I don’t want to relive it at all its hard and makes me feel like a defective piece of shit but I no its nessicary. My aunt is someone I don’t want to become she’s filled with repressed trauma and appears ” strong” but she’s become a horrible controlling person because of it. She’s in her 70s full of cancer and anger. Her theory has always been ” get even” with people. When I told her about getting therapy she said well if you need to psychoanalysis yourself to live then so be it but she said it with disgust and didn’t even hug me or show sympathy. I have become a bit hardened over the years and noticed I was becoming like her. I dont want to be her ever it repels humans which is probably why she’s like that. It was the reason I was or still am a bit like that. Nobody’s going to get inside and hurt me or her if we keep them away with control and a cold heart. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be like my mom she was sweet,caring,kind a little to nice but I can still be me just a bit more toned down. Men in my relationships have always sensed the sweet nature to me but have told me my hearts made of ice. I dont think I’m cold hearted necessarily just guarded. I’ll always help people through anything and put them before myself I’m definitely an empath. One of the images that appeared in my trauma session was marriage. I have always feared it and never wanted to get married ( I call my common-law husband my real husband despite us not being legally married). I also never wanted children I was afraid Id be a horrible mom because of my mental health issues. Lately I’ve been wanting both of those things. And I told my counselor that maybe I just never met the right person. My partner now or sperated partner does not want kids he’s 47 and made the choice at 40 when we met that if it wasn’t happening then he wasn’t going to be an older dad. I just accepted it and convinced myself I didn’t want to be legally married with kids because he didn’t want them. He probably would of legally married me but I always said what was the point if we didn’t have kids. Now I no it was me being guarded maybe I always sensed something that wasn’t right. I’ve been engaged 4 times and thankfully never went through with any of then because the relationships were extremely toxic. Anyways im trying to find a sense of belonging. It’s tough right now but I dont no what else to do but try and start by undoing whats kept me from reaching the better version of myself. Maybe there is better things ahead for me. I need a break from bad life experiences. I feel I deserve to have some good ones finally.

    • #148592
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I just saw this qoute that gut punched me so hard. It said, “my only goal is to create a life I dont have to recover from”. Sad reality for addicts is the rest of our life depends on recovery. I pushed myself away from recovery and that’s why I’m a gambling addict. There is no ” not recovery” in my life I will always have to pursue it because I’m am addict. I met with my sponsor and her husband today. They both tried to help talk me through my grief. My sponsor told me that my partner is no longer the right person for me. Shes ran into him a few times and told me he’s not the sweet man he once was she said she felt like he had a demonic presence to him for along time. I thought it was just me feeling that way but she said she felt it to. His head injury mixed with being a dry drunk changed him. My addiction to gambling started after I found out about one of my abusers harmed another girl I blamed myself for not putting him in jail. He ended up getting off his sexual assault charges. I couldn’t cope that I let this girl suffer to so I started gambling to escape and punish myself. At the same time my partner was changing he wasn’t able to help me through the pain I was feeling. When we were in Vegas where i first gambled he left me in the middle of the streets by myself for no reason. He just snapped and bolted through all the people and never came back to find me. I was terrified men kept aroaching me as I stood on the side of the street scared not knowing where I was. They treated me like a hooker as I was dressed up for an Aerosmith concert. My partners brain injury or something got set off by all the noise and people and he just lost it. He became cold,angry,distant the whole trip. I felt lonely so I’d go sit at the slots while he was up in the room. That’s when my brain triggered the escape reality response. I found something that took me away from the lonliness and sadness I felt with knowing he was no longer him anymore. Knowing where this started is the hardest part and it’s painful of all hell to realize.

    • #148710
      jvr3419
      Participant

      This morning I started out super positive and feeling really well. I went back to work today and it was good I kept busy. My Forman gave me the reins to take over so I was feeling confident. That is till I drove home. A flood of pain hit me the sadness was so overbearing that I contemplated driving off a bridge I was driving over. The only thing that detoured me from driving off the edge was that my dog needed me at home. I honestly convinced myself that nobody would give a shit. All people seem to care about is the fact that I no longer have 100s of thousands of dollars. Why does it matter how much money I have in my bank. That’s the question everyone always asks me. Well how much money do you have. I feel like people only care what I’m worth fincially not about me as a person. It’s a harsh reality that’s followed me around all my life. I hate how I’m feeling its a daily struggle full of ups and downs

    • #148798
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Day 53 gamble free. Writing everyday is hard but it’s keeping me away from the need to numb myself from my struggles. Being silent is the only thing standing in between me and placing that first bet. If I dont talk, and communicate my stuff everyday with someone or writing on here, im to liable and fragile to make a mistake again. I’m to determined to not be controlled by my inner addict. That asshole needs to stay buried. And if that means communicating my insanity to the world than so be it. It’s not going to be all sunshine and rainbows especially since I’m healing a lifetime of pain and sadness. I have to acknowledge and allow myself to feel the depression, grief, anger, happiness. Or whatever emotion or feeling decides to take presidence that day for me. The numbing out part through my addiction made it so I couldn’t feel anymore. And now I’m feeling everything all over again and super intensly. But I need to understand and give myself permission that it’s OK. Gambling will not solve anything even if I won it won’t solve anything. The only thing gambling does is turn me into a monster.

    • #148877
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I just wrote out this long ass speil about how I hate money but I decided to erase it as it literally was a rant of insanity. I’m feeling angry towards the word ” money” right now. That’s just something I’m feeling I guess since I’m becoming more aware of it’s power to make me into a different person. All I no is I never want to gamble again or have anything to do with ” money” in a context that is not nessicary for me to just survive.

    • #149050
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      Money is the root of all evil they say and I tend to agree. I didnt gamble until I had some “to spare”. You see the depravity and decadence of those who have it at the casinos. It also is a life saver and i know those with money who do a lot of good with it. I guess it just all depends on how you let it affect you. I have never really had a whole lot of it and come from a family who struggled on and off for years due to various crises in our lives. We value it, save it and do not worship it. I understand how you may be feeling some sort of loathing towards the concept since its use is what got you hooked- like a drug, but it is our own warped sense of value that put us in the position to abuse it. I have more loathing for the casinos and the online sites for preying on those who have it than the actual money itself. I see that you are stagnating in a dark place at this point. You need to find something that gives you the hope that comes with being victorious. While you have never really beat an addiction, you have been victorious over many battles in the past and are continuing to do so daily. Life is a journey. The sites on your journey can be beautiful if you choose the right side of the car to look out of. You are looking out the window which shows you nothing but pain and anger from your past. That should be the rear view mirror. Always glance at where you’ve been so that you keep ahead of it, look ahead at what might be on the horizon so you are prepared for what’s coming, and most importantly, make time to see what you are in, slowing down to enjoy the beauty that is all around you. If you keep your eyes on the rear view too much you miss what lies all around you, and you will never have enough time to respond to what’s ahead until it’s too late. My past was a horror as well. Not like yours, but still a horror. I guess my strength was never letting it stop me from seeing what could lie ahead and I always took time to enjoy the life around me. It may also have been my downfall because I may have never truly dealt with some of the things that happen to me, and I am now trying (without much success) to fight my addiction. Perhaps you have to stop and see life for what it truly is. Your seeing it as a battle that you cannot win unless you conquer the demons of your past. You are in battle mode fighting memories. That is exhausting because you will never change your memory. Make new and happier memories that your mind can fill up on that will outnumber the bad. I know that you are wanting to change the situation you are in, and therapy is good to let you deal with some of the evils from your past that cause you to do things that are not healthy, but it is also not healthy to let those evils control your life now. You should have a long and happy journey ahead. Face it with hope and strength and it will be worth your while. I hope that you are strong and happy today.

    • #149091
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi losingitslowly thanks for your message. I agree that living in the past to much is dangerous for moving into a better mindset. Unfortunately doing trauma therapy does that though it brings up everything. I may sound worse than I am in my everyday life when I post. I’m actually really positive and cheerful during the day most days. I struggle at night though because of going through the grief losing my relationship so when I write my posts its usually at night when I’m alone and feeling sad. That’s why I post though because I need to get those thoughts out at that time so I dont gamble. The reason I’m doing trauma therapy is so I dont continue gambling, having this complex ptsd label is tough because what it means is that I’ve lived in this survival mode where I’m in constant fight or flight. It’s just how my brain developed so by doing this process where I’m reliving and remember my bad past its allowing me to grieve and process those things now. Once this cycle of grief is over it no longer will be sitting in my unconscious waiting to take over. This bad dark place I’m in is only temporary. And I’m actually managing alot better than I would of before. The fact that I haven’t gambled is telling me that the process is working. Because I’m not numbing myself to what I’m feeling I’m just allowing myself to go through it. Unfortunately I have alot to process which takes time. But I have goals, I have money, I have a good career I’m doing well for the most part. I just feel and express emotions very intensly.

    • #149166
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      I have no doubt that you are a good and warm person. I can hear it in your posts. I was only saddened and concerned about some of the darker leanings of your posts and wanted to try to tell you, without sounding hokey, that there is the possibility of hope and love with each day, but you need to be looking for it, hence, looking ahead. I am going through a dark period (and I am immensely positive, so this is an exceptional time) and I tried to find something or someone to blame for me not being like everyone else. I have had eating disorders, addictions and too many bad relationships to count, and I want to have an easy life, like all the other people around me. Or so I thought. It took me a while to see that my issues where mine, but other had there own. It seems like no one sails through life without a cross to bear. If I hadnt achieved what I had hoped it was because I hadnt tried as hard as others. If I didnt have a successful relationship it was because I either picked the wrong one or didnt try as hard as I should. It is me. I am the common denominator in all of my issues and I have truly started to believe that as a survivor of abuse I could survive anything that life had to offer, but was only in survival mode for way too long. At some point in my life I have to become responsible for myself but didnt take full responsibility for my choices or my actions. I am no longer the child that can be tormented and abused. I am no longer at the mercy of others. I can influence my life and direction by acknowledging my own power. You can too and it looks like you are. What was done to you most likely is a distant memory to those who inflicted the pain. Same here. They are most likely dead. I think it is time for me to put if all to rest as well and start taking responsibility for my life and my actions. I hope that you are strong today and that love touches your heart.

    • #149195
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m glad to hear that your willing to look at doing the inner healing you need. Gambling was really hard for me to stop. I tried so many times in the last 2 years but there was this withdrawl period that would just take over me. Its unconscious it just festers its way into your mind and the compulsion is so strong. It’s really hard to accept that even though we’re super smart people we just can’t control the urge. The longer I’ve been away from it the less urges I have. It does take till the 90 day mark to start to feel more confident in not needing it anymore and that’s common with all addictions. The brain has time to start making its own chemicals and such again. But complacency can take over really fast and bring people back into it super quick. I’m a pretty good example of what stopping working a good recovery program looks like. My 10 Years of sobriety is tomorrow. I dont want to take a cake though because I’m still trying to forgive myself for this addiction. I no once I get over that 90 day mark I’m going to feel worthy again I just need to get to that mark and I’ll feel like I’m achieving the recovery I want in my life. Right now I’m still in the middle raw stage I’m learning to make my own chemicals again and trying to find who I am again. It’s always foggy in the beginning. I went through this same experience when I got sober for the first time. Everything I’m feeling is the same. Only this time I’m digging deeper into the healing my past. The first go around I surface touched it all but now I’m getting my hands right in there. I had a repressed memory come to me today. It was the worst trauma of them all. I didn’t remeber it, today was the first day I’ve acknowledged it in my life. For some reason it chose to appear today probably because ive had time since my last counseling sessions and talking with my sponsor, and friends to move my relationship stuff to the side. Im not afraid to speak openly so im just gonna let myself write it out. So I’ve had severe assaults happen as a kid so I figured my trauma was mostly always from those circumstances,however, today just proved to me that I had something else buried really deep. I’m gonna let it out here and let myself express it because i got nothing to lose by writing it. So basically what I’m remembering is I was captured and drugged and I was tied up in an empty basement with just a mattress, i was threatened with a knife and things happened to me from a stanger i was 15 i think i dont no how long i was there i just remeber being dropped off on the side of the road somewhere. Surprisingly I’m not going off the deep end feeling depressed or mad about it. I did phone my sponsor right away as I was concerned that if I sit with it there was a possibility being home alone I’d start gambling. I haven’t thought about gambling but I no that I might have later on if I didn’t acknowledge what I just remembered. I realize that this isn’t something others want to read about but I need to have an outlet and this is it for me right this moment. I could write it in a journal maybe but my story can maybe help someone to and I hope that’s the case. I just want people to see that even though im remembering this shit I’m not gambling over it. So there is a way to get better and fight through this bs addiction.

    • #149236
      jvr3419
      Participant

      10 years ago today I walked into an AA meeting and never looked back. I’m proud of myself for not picking up drugs or alcohol through this behavior relapse. So part of me new that it wasn’t worth the pain I was already in. Today I had the best day I’ve had in along time. I felt insanely free, all this crap I’ve been holding inside myself is finally out. That last repressed memory I had set me free my chains are finally unlocked. I feel happy and positive. I met with friends for breakfast one of the husband’s is my ex partners bestfriend and despite his anger at me for lying to his bestfriend about gambling he was really supportive and proud of me today. He said I looked happy and healthy. I went to my bestfriends place later today to and laughed for hours on end I felt like me for the first time in 2 years. I never thought I’d feel like this again but I new something was holding me back and now it’s released. It was that easy I just had to tap in and let it out. I’m extremely grateful today and thats one thing I plan to start writing on here daily is a gratitude list. I was stuck in the pain I was trying to heal but now it’s time to move on and start looking for the positives. So today I am greatful for bestfriends, my recovery, and my ability to laugh again.

    • #149305
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I was able to talk to my brother and told him my story about my addiction problems. My brother is struggling to quit drinking and doing drugs and is about to loose his wife and daughters. I begged him to look at my story and that he needs to heal his past thats keeping him stuck. He agreed with me and got of the phone. 30 minutes later he called me back and said he got his work to organize a rehab stay for him where our dad went actually. I feel so grateful that I picked up the phone to call him. I was having a hard time as I had to see my ex today and again watching him leave messed me up again. I needed my big brother he’s my protector in life and he’s been unable to be here for me due to his addictions as well. We both opened up to each other the way family should and I felt connected again for the first time in years. Maybe we can work on our sister next but for now today is a victory day in my mind. So today I’m grateful for my ability to share my healing journey with family, I’m grateful I’m going to have my brother back in my life, I’m grateful that my ex still helps me with things despite our breakup, and I’m grateful for my dog keeping me sane and healing me when I’m sad.

    • #149334
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      Hey there jvr;
      Reading your posts lends me to believe that you really have the cards stacked against you when it comes to addiction and recovery. It’s not an excuse. It sounds that, by your family history, you have a biological predisposition to addiction and that being the case, it’s almost written in the cards that addiction will be an issue in everyone’s life. It’s the same with mine. Both my grandmother and grandfather were addicts and my mother struggled as well. We were all smokers up until a decade ago (my entire family including aunts and uncles) and my nephew struggles as well with opioid addiction. We knew from a young age that we were predisposed because my mother received help and it was what they told her. We are all careful to avoid drugs and alcohol, except for special occasions. I never thought that gambling would be an issue, then found out my father has a bit of a gambling issue himself as well. It is never an excuse when it involves the brain and biochemistry but it gives us a bit of a break ( in our own minds perhaps) that we somehow were led to it by the hand. I hope that you are well and that your day let’s you see more of the good and less of the bad in your life.

    • #149339
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Ya its unfortunate I new along time ago I was screwed. Every person in both sides of my blood family and my step family that i grew up with are addicts right down to my great grandparents. I had no chance lol. And with addiction comes trauma. So yes it was inevitable. I hope that at least I can be the one that has a better life and stops everything young. The substances are long gone for me so now it’s this. I was hooked on exercise badly for along time to but part of me hopes I get that one back to a manageable place so at least I’m maintaining a healthy balance. I worry that shopping could start to rear it’s ugly head so I have to stay focused that I don’t get into that. And Usually men have been my go to as well I jump into a relationship as soon as I go into a break up but this time I’m not even tempted. Codependency is the worst drug of all in my life I have to avoid men like their a plague to me right now lol. Not that hard to do though as I work with all tradesmen and I am repulsed by them now because they are no longer good looking strong men to me there pains in my ass that whine and gossip all day about each other lol. All we can do is try and push through the genetic bs we were given. Break the cycle and show its possible.

    • #149379
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I forgot to write my daily gratitude list this morning so today I’m grateful for meeting with my good friend for lunch and walking along the ocean, I’m grateful for having the ability to afford healthy groceries as I’m a vegetarian and need good produce to feel happy, I’m grateful for the beautiful sunshine that I had to walk my dog in this afternoon when I got home. I’m grateful for another day clean from gambling day 59 😊

    • #149459
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Good ol 60 days today im pretty happy about that. I dont have to much to blab about but I’ll make my gratitude list for today. Today I’m grateful for my ability to talk with and help my sick aunt despite my resentments with her. I’m grateful for my job that I’ve worked hard for just got another raise so thats awesome. I’m grateful for having heat because it’s bloody cold today and I need the warmth.

    • #149518
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I’m grateful for making some extra money to add to my savings account. It’s nice to see it growing instead of diminishing from gambling. I’m grateful for my counselor he’s really helping me find myself again. I’m grateful that I’m learning to gain my independence back and not depend on someone else I’ve grown alot more rislient in the last month since my breakup. I’m grateful that I feel peaceful and not so wound up I find nothings really bothering like it used to. People don’t set off the trigger responses where I lash out and react anymore. I’m calm and rational I don’t yell or snap at my boss while he belittles me I just give him a head nod like I heard what you said but im not giving in to the banter he wants. He likes to push me till I freak out but I’m not giving him that control anymore. Overall I’m doing good today.

    • #149572
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today was an awesome day for me. I found out I passed my redseal exam so I am now a ticketed journeymen or journeywomen lol. I’m proud of myself for accomplishing what I did in the midst of overcoming this gambling addiction, doing trauma therapy,and a breakup lol at the same time. I guess I chanelled all my anger into wanting to be successful in my career. I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am I’m the only female in a company of 30 people. I was jumping up and down freaking out with excitement my foreman thought I was going nuts. But this is huge for me it’s not an easy exam the failure rate is over 50% each year so I’m happy. I’m insanely grateful today I finally have something to be proud of.

    • #149614
      risingphoenix
      Participant

      @jvr3419 Excellent to hear. Congratulations!! Woohoo!

    • #149618
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks risingphoenix 😊.

      Today I’m grateful for another day clean from gambling and other addictions. I’m grateful for all the support I’ve had from being honest with friends and family. So far I’ve had really good support from people. Even my ex is getting better and chatting to more now that he’s had time on his own to feel his anger and resentments. He called me yesterday super excited that I past my redseal so it was nice to hear him be happy and proud of me. I’m grateful for my ability to stay busy as the lonliness I felt before has resided more.

    • #149654
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I’m grateful for the time spent with my good friend we hiked for about 3 hours it was nice to be in nature like that. I’m grateful for my awesome sponsor we talked for a few hours last night and we found a new 12 step program that encompasses our spirituality and culture so I ordered a beginner program set so we can maybe open our own meetings here so im really excited for that. My spiritual well being suffered these last 2 years and I’m really happy to be embracing it again. Feeling great and positive day 63 gamblefree

    • #149716
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I started to have a bit of uncomfortable sadness come up briefly. I chose to stay home and try to relax a bit because I tend to keep myself way to busy where I distract myself instead of feeling or dealing with things. Seems like a common theme us addicts do lol. I still have alot of work to do on myself and my sponsor and I are doing a step 4 around my resentments especially around my relationship. I kind of been postponing it by trying to have some positive happy times but I needed to start doing the writing down about it. So today I did. I sat with all that negatively at wrote it all out so my sponsor and I can go over it next weekend. It’s a necessary process to continue healing so I’m happy I allowed myself to sit and do the work. I dont think anybody likes doing step 4s but they are the core to fixing the internal struggles from being an addict. I’m glad to rid myself of those thoughts and see how I contributed to alot of those resentments ect. So today I’m grateful for 12 step programs and having the ability to do the work involved. I’m grateful to have my own space to heal in. I’m grateful for allowing myself to truly “feel” even when it’s uncomfortable.

    • #149763
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today has been a rough one. I woke up to a flooded trailer as my water tank blew. I was extremely stressed. My ex came to help me but there was no fixing it so i have to stay with him a couple days. I was scared at first but grateful he will always be my best friend and help me despite our mental health struggles. We’re on good terms and have strong boundaries regarding where we stand and making sure we’re not pushing to get back together since we no how much work we need to do on our own selves. I’m grateful he’s still able to be here for me and vice versa. I no the value of forgiveness today and that’s a huge thing for me but also have solid boundaries and not making the same mistakes again

    • #149768
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      There is always the fear of something going wrong that seems to be so much more pronounced when you are a gambler. It’s like you are betting your existence and playing the odds ( quite literally I suppose) and one more unknown can be overwhelming. I live with that day to day at this point. I am always afraid of the furnace quitting or a/c or the fridge or…. I live in a constant state of panic. Since being gamble free for only 11 days it has lessened and I think for you it should have too. You sound grounded, organized and able to cope. Look at this as a good thing to reaffirm that you are now able to cope and that your road, while not always a smooth one, will be easier to travel. Keep up the great work.

    • #149806
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Your doing awesome losingitslowly happy to see you reached 11 days.

      Some things in life we just can’t control like my water tank failing. Everything has a shelf life and then we fix it or replace it the good ol circle of life lol. I was stressed because I wanted to not depend on anyone but myself. But sometimes being to self reliant can make me feel isolated to. I’ve learned to let go these days and see where the creator takes me. I was ment to get out of my trailer and spend time with my ex so we could let our resentments go. It also allowed my aunt to push her tenant to get out of the cabin im moving into he was supposed to be out a month ago. So now I can be in probably by this weekend. Im really excited to have my own space its on the ocean its insanely beautiful away from the city. It’s all farmland and animals around so it’s perfect for my dog.

      I talked to me ex alot last night about my gambling problem as he mentioned alot of people tell him how the hell could I have done what I did and wasted all that money. I told him not one of my friends or family have judged me they new I was sick and in alot of pain and made a mistake. I said anyone that wants to sit and judge me for what is or is not in my bank account doesn’t give to shits about me as a person and can shove there materialistic mentality up there ass lol. I’ve always gave someone who’s trying to better themselves the benefit of the doubt and try to see what’s behind the behavior. I can take full responsibility for the hurt that it caused my ex but anyone else sitting there turning there head up at me for making a bad life decision with my own money doesn’t deserve to be in my life. To me it’s just toxic judgment and maybe it comes from a place of feeling sorry for my ex which I can also see but I can’t sit in shame for the rest of my life I have to move on. That’s the hardest part is learning to not give a shit what others think of me and just no im doing the best I can to not make the same mistakes again.

    • #149873
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Day 67. I’m grateful for another day addiction free. I thought about smoking a few times lately but I haven’t smoked in years and no that it’s just another addiction that will make me try and numb out from my uncomfortable feelings. I said that to my ex this morning as he’s battled with a smoking addiction that he has liked to hide since the day I met him. I could see him sitting there realizing for the first time that he’s never truly been away from some form of active addiction. I no for me that I want to be better mind,body,and soul so for me that means staying away from anything that will effect that flow and balance. I feel by me participating in anything harmful to myself that I will continue to not learn how to truly be a recovering addict. However I am never giving up chocolate lol. I’m not going to completely deprive myself.

    • #150043
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I got this super overwhelming feeling. I’m really anxious all of a sudden my life’s so up in the air right now that I literally have no idea what’s going on. I’m trying my hardest to just let the creator take the wheel since when I try to take over I tend to crash the car into the ditch lol. Being in constant chaos has become so ingrained in me that I almost anticipate some kind of bs to happen. Right now the tenant will not get the stuff out of the cabin im moving into he’s severely ill mentally and has the worst hoarding problem I’ve ever seen. There’s stuff everywhere still he was supposed to be out months ago and then finally by the 1st but still isn’t so I’ve had to cancel all my plans for moving this weekend which is really frustrating. My aunt won’t deal with him as there’s not much you can do about a tenant not being compliant. She’s left everything up to me to deal with this guy which makes it harder since I’m a threat to him taking over his place and causing him to throw away his hoarded possessions. I’m trying my hardest to have compassion and just let go and wait it out the best i can. I just really want to be settled and make a new safe place for myself. I have no water so I’m feeling pretty vulnerable. I have access to a daily shower and get pots of water but it’s not comfortable. I started to get angry at myself because if I didn’t gamble away most of my money I probably would of had my own house by now or at least still be looking for one to bid on. I can’t go back to those thoughts though because I can’t change whats happened. I really have to stay focused on the postives when life throws unknowns into the mix because that’s when depression and my addict brain wants to escape. I have zero desire to gamble I haven’t thought about it at all which is really good and shows me that my brain has become healthier and gotten out of that relentless painful experience I was in for the last few years. So today even though I’m in a bit of a F it mood I’m grateful that I’m not living on the streets. I do have a really nice trailer to live in with heat and im able to cook ect. I can still have hot showers and get water for stuff next door so I’m not screwed totally. I’m grateful that I have a good job and can afford to live well without struggling. This is why I write things I’m grateful for so that it helps me to get out of my roller-coaster brain.

    • #150069
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      Think of yourself as doing some luxury camping…. I hope that my brain will be able to turn off it like yours at some point soon and I sympathize with your situation, as being without water would make anyone feel vulnerable. Can you not get a new water heater soon? If you can’t leave you may as well hunker down and make the situation you are in as comfortable as you can. Tenant situations can be horrible and hard to end, so make it easier on yourself by making your nest back up and letting other things happen. The feeling of no control will drive you nuts, so get rid of the burden that you are putting on yourself and make it a move when you can, not because you have to situation. Great job at not losing your %^it.

    • #150103
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Yea don’t have much choice but to live the way I am at the moment. I tried getting into the cottage today and the guy has so much garbage I can’t even get to the front door. He’s destroyed the whole place I was in tears walking away from it as the damage is just unreal. I’m just exhausted I just want a f&$*ing break. Im trying so hard to stay positive and hope that good will come from me trying to clean up my life and be a better person. I find that I have to keep watching shows or remeber situations where people are struggling with the most painful shit imaginable to get myself to realize that things really aren’t that bad for me. I want to stay out of the poor me mentality as much as I possibly can. My aunt is sitting inside her house dying of cancer right now but she keeps pushing forward and fighting life every which way she can. She’s a messed up angry women but she doesn’t ever let herself get into the poor me mentality. I get these brief feelings of disappointment and sadness but I’m finding I can push through it and move on quicker. Today I’m grateful for having strength to get me through the hard times. I’m grateful for being able to put one foot in front of the other and just keep marching on. I’m grateful that I see value in my life today and want to continue trying my hardest to make it the best I possibly can

    • #150110
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      You truely are an inspiration. To keep looking at all that is right in your life instead of dwelling on the bad is the mind set of a true survivor. I try to just get by each day and have been living like that for too long. All my day revolves around not gambling, and while that is taking a step in the right direction, I need to take a better path. I dont want to just exist anymore with abstinence as my sole directive. Yesterday taught me that, while I am still vulnerable to the urges, I need to look at my life with more rigorous scrutiny. I need to be living and achieving more than just not gambling and I hope that the course I begin to take, which will hopefully fill up my life with better energy, will help steer me on a better, easier path to abstinence. I hope this day finds you with hope, strength and a smile. I face today with all of the same.

    • #150138
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks for your kind words losingitslowly. I truly believe you will get through this you have the ability to and I can tell by how you write that your a strong person who has had to fight alot like I have.

      Today was a good day for me even though I had some difficult emotions. I went through my storage locker with my ex and got rid of alot of stuff. When I first sold my grandmas house that I grew up in I was an absolute mess hence the gambling problems that came after it. I kept so much shit because I was grieving so hard that I didn’t want to let go of alot of things from that home. After seeing this tenants hoarding problem and my brain having some healthy clarity I new it was time for me to let go of the cluttered mess of stuff in my life. I kept some keepsakes like an antique dresser and my grandpas drafting table as I’m an artist to. But I new I didn’t need all that “stuff”. I have made it very clear to myself that I want to be as minimal as I can because I dont need alot to survive happily. I’ve managed in a trailer with barely anything for along time now so I’m quite happy without being crowded by material possessions.

      Today I’m grateful that I feel alot lighter, I’m grateful for spending time with my aunt today and talking with her as she was talking about herself dying soon and I said think of me as my mom ill be with you the whole way through. My aunts been horrible to me in my life but she’s also helped me alot to especially when I was young when my mom died. She’s hard as hell but I never walk away from my family especially when it’s there time to go. I’m grateful I get to be here with her till the end like I was with my grandmother. I’m grateful that I’m not longer in my self centered addiction because I’d be sitting in my own shit feeling sorry for myself instead of being able to have the compassion I do today.

    • #150167
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      I’m glad that your journey is being so enlightening on a daily basis and using new outlets for your resurgence back into a healthy life grown from bad experiences continues. I just hope that when life ceases to be some troublesome that you will still find strength. It can be addictive to just survive chaos. I did that for most of my early years having been in foster care for a time, and when things began to quiet down for me and I got myself on my feet, I found that I continued to look for some sort of chaos because fighting was all that I knew. It brought me into some weird relationships and situations and, in retrospect, I should have seen it coming. It is great to be able to fight your way out of a bad situation but it is equally as important to be able to be able to ride the calm seas as well. I know that it was an issue for me and continues to this day. It is perhaps one of the many reasons why I gamble and I hope that you do not find yourself at odds when it happens. Hope that you have a great day today.

    • #150207
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I guess im a surfer for a reason I no how to ride different waves pretty well lol. I haven’t been in the water for awhile but I held my surfboard yesterday in my storage unit and no I need to get myself out there again. This morning I woke up and smudged and did a prayer to the creator. I haven’t done that properly in along time but it cleared my mind to start the day right. I walked my dog in the peaceful quiet forest where I live. And I felt so content and grateful that I live away from the busy city. I had to go into today to the concrete jungle and I hated every moment of it. It made me appreciate the serenity of where I live even more. I had brief interaction with my ex but not long enough for me to take in his dry drunk bs I just stayed positive and happy that’s why I smudged to protect myself. He hugged me for the longest time when he left as he’s hurting pretty bad but its not my job to fix him he has to do that himself. Usually I’d be trying to show him the right path but were not on the same journey together anymore so he I’ve learned to detach and let him do his own thing. I had a brief period of sadness after talking to my friend as she took her family to the beach today. I felt sad because I’m 34 alone with no kids or husband but I just slept it off. I woke up and tried to remember that I’m extremely lucky to have this time alone to heal myself properly. As my sponsor said im just going to be a late bloomer. So today I’m grateful for practicing my spirituality today. I’m grateful for the peaceful place I live. And I’m grateful for 70 days gamble free.

    • #150291
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I dont have much to say today surprisingly.Today I’m grateful for my job as it gets me up and doing something productive everyday. I’m grateful for healthy food in my fridge. And I’m grateful for another day clean and sober and gamble free.

    • #150364
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today was my counseling session day. I always end up crying my eyes out. I’ve been trying to work on my issues around self esteem and feeling like I’m not good enough. I do this type of EMDR treatment that encompasses taoism healing practices. I keep having this reoccurring image of people standing in a crowd yelling that I’m a piece of shit for being a gambler and that I’m never going to be good enough because I lost all my money so nobody wants to be near me or with me. I’ve been used all my life for money since I was young and that ended up coming up.My counselor told me it’s common that young girls who’ve been sexually assaulted end up attracting users throughout there whole lives until there traumas are fully healed. I never thought about why people always appeared like they cared about me until I cut out buying them shit or when the times I wasn’t as fincially well off. It was a hard kick in the face for me moment to realize I’ve just allowed people to use me because of my own shitty feelings about my self worth. I also saw an image of myself drowning as a kid that ended up turning into my mom drowning that’s how she died so it was just a whole lot to process in one visual today. But I’m glad to be working on this type of stuff because I really need to. I’m sick of never feeling like I’m worth anything to anyone or myself. I just want to wake up and look in the mirror and not find a million things to pick apart about myself. I no I can do this and I no that I’m going to get better mind,body,and soul. I refuse to let gambling or addictions of any kind rob me of the work I’ve been doing on myself. This growth period was really needed in my life so maybe the fact that I had a bad experience with gambling was truly ment to happen so I could continue to work on myself and heal properly.

      Today I’m grateful for my healing journey. I’m grateful that I’m able to feel and express all my emotions today. I’m grateful that I’m no longer fearful of change in all areas of my life. And I’m grateful that I have a chance to make a better life for myself.

    • #150430
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I’m grateful for the chance to learn more skills at work and enhance my knowledge. I’m grateful for the beautiful sunshine today. I’m grateful for my stepmom as we had a good chat last night on the phone. I’m grateful for the quiet space I have to heal myself.

    • #150507
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I was feeling frustrated today as my aunt forced me to do all the paperwork to start legal action towards her tenant. She’s not well so I understand why she can’t do it herself but I got overwhelmed with all the information you need. I filled out as much as I could. There was a brief moment where I turned to anger and thought about walking up to this asshole and beating the crap out of him. I boxed and played in a male hockey league growing up so even though I’m a girl I no how to throw down lol. I had to sit and deep breathe like crazy to try and get myself out of the visual of throwing this guy in the industrial sized bin we ordered for all his hoarded crap. I’ve been meditating alot lately so I quickly centered myself. I got my dog and walked him and decided to drive into the city. I phoned my ex and told him i was bringing his dog to visit him. We sat and talked for awhile and I finally opened up and told him he needed psychological help because he has a dual personality and that other person scares the shit out of me. He actually listened to me and agreed that he needed to get some help so today was a big success for me. I was able to be honest and communicate what I’ve wanted to say for years. I was able to tell him my gambling started as a way to escape being with him i was so terrified of who he became but i was also numbing my other mental health issues from trauma. I told him it was my fault of course for becoming a gambling addict but that when I started it was when I wanted to leave him do to this demonic type personality that developed in him. For some reason he wanted to still no how much money I had left. So I was honest and said not much. There’s nothing he can say to that. I dont no why he cares maybe he wanted some of it who knows. I have enough to survive by myself on plus I have a trailer to sell so I’ll be fine ,not rich, but I’ll be able to live ok with my job and some savings. My financial situation has definitely improved and I’m paying my debts down now to.

    • #150597
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I didn’t feel like posting today but I no its important for me to keep reminding myself to do so. One of the biggest recommendations that kept me away from relapse in early recovery from substances was doing 90 meetings in 90 days. Because there’s no GA meetings available where I live right now I’m finding that i need to write on this forum everyday and practice other things like my stepwork, counseling, and meetings for my other recovery. So far this has kept me super accountable and I haven’t wanted to gamble. I don’t have triggers to gamble at all like I did before I sought out professional help. I found that I kept myself stuck by keeping accounts open that owed me money or had prolonged gifts they still owed me before. This was the problem that kept me checking those accounts and then I would start gambling as soon as I got on that site again. They purposely string you along “waiting” to make you anxious so you keep playing. It’s sick that casinos use your own mental illness against you. I also think one of the biggest things that’s made it so I dont want to play again is that everyone knows what I did. Once I told everyone important in my life my dark secret I feel it freed me. Without being complacent with that statement I firmly believe we are only as sick as our secrets. The longer I was hiding what I was doing and how often the more I kept doing it. I also allow myself to feel everything now before I hated my difficult emotions and I disliked being uncomfortable. Instead I find other things to do even if it’s just to take a nap to rid myself of the uncomfortable feeling. I do spend alot of time with others now. I isolated alot during covid which most people did and that made me sicker. Every weekend I make sure I have some plans with others but I also make sure I’m of service to others to. I like to help other people and most of my friends are in recovery from other addictions. This keeps me out of my self centered state. Night time is hard after work but lately I’ve been exhausted helping my aunt and taking my dog for longer walks after work so I don’t have time to feel lonely or bored. I forgot to do a gratitude list yesterday and I noticed the difference in how I felt not writing it out so im going to continue adding them to my posts.

      Today I’m grateful for my best friends as I’ve for some awesome plans with them this weekend. Im grateful for the creator and being shown the guidance I need in my life. I’m grateful for my spirituality back in my life as I make sure to do a prayer and a smudge every morning now. I’m grateful for 74 days free from gambling.

    • #150636
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m the type of person who will research something to death till I understand it to the core. Since my gambling addiction started in 2020 I have watched hundreds of videos and read every article my brain could absorb on gambling addiction. The more I understand it the more I feel I’m able to stay away from it. However the hard part for me though is I’m still fighting with the consequences of it. No matter what I do people keep reminding me that I lost all that money. It’s frustrating when your trying to recover from any addiction and people constantly throw it in your face. When I quit drinking and doing drugs nobody asked how many beer I drank or how many joints I smoked or how many lines I did. But for some reason I get the same shit from people how much money do you have left everyday. Gambling is by far the worst addiction in my experience for judgement. I have to constantly remind myself I’m doing the best I can and that I can’t change the fincial losses. I keep telling people that question my finances that its literally just paper. I didn’t throw away a human being over a bridge I gambled paper made from a f$&*ing tree. It was my money I didn’t steal it or get it in some sleezy way it was my own personal finances. The only person effected by my financial decision was my ex since hes broke and my money was all we had together. Other than him its really nobody elses problem. I dont have the mental ability to continue letting the loss consume me. Im trying to move on but societies pressures to be measured by what successes you have fincially are tearing apart my brain because of others constant criticism. I really hope my therapy will help me fully heal from caring what others think of me because it’s driving me crazy inside. I stay grounded really well for the most part but I definitely get triggered by the constant questions about my money situation. Maybe I should start asking everyone else how much money they got in there bank account and see how they feel being asked that constantly. I really don’t no what to do about it other than vent it out and move on from the negative judgements. Nobody wants to be an addict or in the amount of pain we’re in to sink to the depths of the addiction. The fact the were trying to heal and be better is what’s important.

      Today I’m grateful for spending time with my bestfriend. I’m grateful for the awesome cupcakes I treated myself to. I’m grateful for the beautiful ocean I live next to as it helps me clear my mind.

    • #150691
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I struggled with intense sadness since I woke up. I’ve cried about 20 times today. I was supposed to visit a friend but she cancelled last night. I try to keep my weekends busy seeing people because I get really intense depression by myself. I’ve always hated being alone that’s why I’ve always had a relationship. At first I could barely get dressed I started to feel really debilitated and started hating myself for this addiction and how its ruined my life. I got into the pitty pot really hard. But I new I had to get myself up and not stay like that. I walked my dog and pushed myself to go shopping for the week. When I got home though the feelings started again. I dont no how to not feel lonliness its super intense and painful. I guess I have to just go through it. I can’t go running to my ex as nothing good has become of it so far. I just end up feeling hurt everytime were near each other so I dont want to be near him. He told me to visit this weekend but I didn’t want to put myself through the pain of his cold demeanor it just makes it worse for me. I rather struggle through today in my difficult feelings. I guess I haven’t reached the part when your single and happy being alone yet. Hopefully soon I’ll learn to be happy on my own. I’m definitely trying my hardest but my emotions and feelings have a mind of there own. Things are starting to open up more where I live so I can hopefully start some hobbies. I want to take a deep sea diving course to get certified so thats a goal of mine. And the gyms just lifted the mask mandate yesterday so nows the time to go back training. There’s alot I can do where I live I just have to learn to be ok doing things alone which I’m got no choice but to be ok with.

      Today I’m grateful for pushing myself despite how I feel. I’m grateful for my dog as he keeps me company when I’m struggling. I’m grateful for another day free from addictions

    • #150776
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m doing better today. I had a good session with my counselor and let out how I was feeling regarding the lonliness and my living situation. He told me he’s amazed at how I’ve coped through all the crap going on with me. Despite the negative situation He mentioned he hasn’t seen to many people be able to stay as positive as i have. I have my down times but I snap back really quick. I’m not willing to allow myself to not feel anymore but I’m also not going to sit and feel sorry for myself day in and day out. My grandma used to push me to get up and tell me to be constructive and accomplish something every day when I was young. I suffered with intense depression in my younger years when I first lived with her. She hated watching me suffer as it reminded her of my mom. My mom had severe bipolar disorder and was constantly being put in the psych ward for her episodes. My grandma refused to let me end up that way but it did happen once. I was Institutionlized at 13 for taking all my antidepressants at once. After that she literally would pull the blankets off me and push me out of my bed at hand me a broom or vacuum and say do something now. She may have been harsh but it taught me to not sit in self pitty for long. Till this day I won’t lay in bed all day I force myself to get up and do something. It helps me to keep pushing forward. I’m still learning forgiveness and acceptance with my shortcomings but that’ll happen in time. For now I’m just trying to set goals for myself.

      Today I’m grateful for another day gamblefree. I’m grateful for the ability to find positivity today. I’m grateful for having kindness for myself.

    • #150674
      libu
      Participant

      It’s my first day. I wish I could turn the clock also and refresh my life. It’s so sad to live like this whereby you cannot be trusted anymore,, and you cannot trust yourself too because something is busy haunting you whenever you try to fix your life. It feels like my whole life since I no longer buy anything for myself, I keep hiding money from my partner and my family, can’t even fix my own hair coz everytime I have money I think of how I can increase it. I am exhausted ,my shoulders feel so heavy , I don’t even know how to start this journey but I know I want to, I need to settle my debts ,and live freely, I hope I survive .

    • #150833
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi libu welcome to this forum. This is a good start in the right direction. I can’t tell you it’s going to be easy because it not. I’ve gone through and still am going through the mess of my mistakes,however,I’ve started to feel better about myself. It takes alot of work, alot of tears, alot of pain but it really does get better the longer your away from the addiction. Unfortunately we can’t predict or control how others will react to knowing our problem and what fincial devastation we cause. We might not be bad people and the majority of us have been through alot of painful stuff to get to this point in our lives but unfortunately any addiction hurts others close to us so there will be consequences. And that’s just something we have to face head on and learn to heal from. The most important thing is getting the help you need. I highly recommend professional help I no I couldn’t be getting through this without my counselor and people I have connections with through 12 step programs. The best thing I can say right now is to realize we’re only human and we have all made mistakes. The important thing in healing addiction is that your actually trying and willing to change that counts for something. We all have the ability to be the best version of ourselves.

    • #150844
      libu
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your kind words.
      I will keep talking to a councelor, the first day I did it felt so good and I never thought I’d open up about this and feel so positive about myself.

    • #150888
      jvr3419
      Participant

      That’s great to here libu I’m glad you chose to see a counselor. Wishing you lots of strength to get through this process of recovery.

      Today I’m 80 days gamblefree I’m really happy that through all the crap going on in my life I chose to stay away from addiction and move forward in a positive direction. I’ve taken on more roles as a journeyman now so I now get to work on jobsites and run the shop for my company. The site I’m on right now has lots of other female tradeworkers so it’s nice to see. I’m usually the only girl around so it’s nice to feel a little more comfortable. I work with only men for my company and I’ve just got used to it. I find my demeanor is not as femine as it used to be and sometimes I miss the times I used to where lots of makeup and dress up. I find now I look like a bum most of the time because I’m covered in dirt and ripped up burned clothes. Since I’ve been on this new journey of healing past trauma and trying to find myself again I’ve been trying to think about how I can do better self care for myself. Since my ex and I broke up I can’t suggest nice dinner dates where I can dress up so I have to find a different outlet to try and take care of myself so I dont always look like a beat up tradesworker. I had an old woman cross the street and look down at me for being dirty wearing a hard hat on the way to my car today. I literally work my ass off everyday and I make alot of money doing it but for some reason I still get looked down on. I would think most people would be impressed that a chick can hold down a job like I have but I guess there’s alot stigma still. I just no I want to feel better mind,body,and soul. So I no that requires looking after myself externally to. I guess it’s time to trade my steel toes in for some high heels once and awhile.

      Today I’m grateful for thr chance to learn more skills at work. I’m grateful for the beautiful weather today. I’m grateful for another day gamblefree and clean and sober.

    • #150849
      njp31322
      Participant

      Your journey is amazing and inspiring! I am thankful for your openness and honesty as I read I feel strength and hope you gain strength from your positive influence you have on others. Thank you so much!

    • #150956
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Wow thanks so much for this comment njp31322. That was really nice to read. I didn’t realize I came off as a positive influence at all but I really appreciate you saying that it means alot. I’m working on accepting compliments right now because I’m usually resistant to it so thankyou for being the first person for me to practice taking a good compliment from lol. This journey is definitely not an easy one for anybody to go through but I firmly believe that be have the ability to come out of this addiction better, stronger, healthier people in everyway. I’ve seen the miracles recovery can bring its just a matter of having the patience and desire to do the work nessicary.

    • #151026
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m exhausted today pushing myself alot at work. I’m usually a shop person so doing heavy field work and running up and down 13 flights of stairs with heavy metal material is hard on me. Probably lost 10 pounds this week alone because the elevator lift was broken. I’ve made some good plans for this weekend so itll be a nice break. I figured out how to fix my water issue finally to I have to replace a bunch of pipes myself which should be fine. That makes me feel so much more at ease that I can get some running water again till I get into my cabin. I was feeling off this week just sick of being in a trailer and wanting some space. I’m managing but it sucks sometimes I miss having friends over I have to go visit everyone. I used to have awesome fires at my house so I’m excited for when I can do that at my new place. Im glad I haven’t been gambling through this mess it would of made it alot harder for me to handle my emotional state through this whole situation. It’s been really frustrating living semi homeless for the last while not an ideal situation for anyone to be in. The shitty part is I didn’t end up in a trailer because of my gambling its just impossible to find places to live where im located. The applications are 200 plus people or more and less than 1% vacancies. I have a dog so I’m literally at the end of the line. Anyways trying to stay positive almost out of this situation. The good thing is I saved money this month not paying rent since I own my trailer. My aunt doesn’t charge me for parking it since I gave up my house for her to have money. Still working on that resentment but it’s getting better. Anyways im grateful for the weekend as I needed a break. I’m grateful for finding my water issues so I can fix them. And I’m grateful for another day gamblefree.

    • #151029
      danieldrake1
      Participant

      Clean date is today. I’m ready and have a desire to quit.

    • #151080
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey danieldrake1 glad to see your on here and starting a clean slate. You got this admitting your ready to stop is the first step and knowing you need to fix the issue at hand.

      Today was super fun as I spend some time with my bestfriend. Whenever we’re together we’re like giddy little kids just making each other laugh the whole time. I’m not afraid to be immature and just forget all the struggles of life when we’re together. I’m very lucky to have her in my life. We met 10 years ago through NA and without being in the 12 step programs I would of never met her. I believe she is one of my soul mates in life not romantically just in the sense of being my person. If I would of continued gambling I might have lost her but she didn’t give up on me. She listened to me everytime I cried and everytime I couldn’t get out of bed from depression she just talked me through it and didnt try to fix me. I realize I’m not as alone as I think I have a few amazing friends that have stayed by me through this stupid behavior relapse they’ve never given up hope that I could heal from my traumas and relationship problems and the gambling. I also took the initiative to book my dog into a kennel for 4 days in April as I’m going to visit my family. We’ve made plans to go hiking up in the glaciers and maybe hit the mountains to go snowboarding as they live in the colder part of the country I live in the tropical rainforest of Canada so its a bit different in terms of climate. It’s super beautiful where they are to so I’m happy because I haven’t seen them since before covid started. Things are looking up for me and I’m starting to look forward to things and looking after myself better.

      I’m really grateful for laughing alot today. I’m grateful for planning a trip. I’m grateful for the beautiful sunshine today as I spend all day in it near the ocean.

    • #151089
      njp31322
      Participant

      Your post made me happy to read! The genuine joy is soothing to the soul.

      Daniel,
      You are amazing and strong for starting the journey! We are here for you, just take one day at a time and put effort into not making that first bet just for one day!

    • #151128
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today was a bit difficult my ex came and helped me for a bit and we ended up getting into the cottage I’m moving into. The tenant who’s supposed to be long gone already left the door open as requested yesterday by my uncle. The place was completely trashed inside. It’s like an episode of hoarders stuff everywhere floors are covered in garbage and black from dirt. All the appliances are destroyed and the walls are gross to. I left crying because its going to take forever to fix it which means I’m stuck in my trailer for alot longer. I have empathy in the fact the man is severely mentally ill though. I guess the positive is when it’s cleaned up it’ll be really nice with newer floors and appliances as my aunt told me it is there responsibility to deal with it. She was making me deal with it before but I guess realized that it’s not fair being that bad. I also tried talking more with my ex about getting counseling and if we were ever going to try going together but he wouldn’t acknowledge anything I said. I guess it was a good thing I tried getting it out of him because now I no I need to move on as he’s clearly made up his mind that our relationship is not worth fighting for. I can now get my head of the clouds and move on because it’s not going to work. I guess I was expecting a miracle. My counselor said to me one day that maybe my gambling was my way out of this Rollercoaster I was living in with him. Since he has a serious traumatic brain injury refusing to get proper treatment he was only going to get worse. Now I’m getting the proper help so I’ll be healthier for what comes next. I was sad at first today through all this but im feeling more excited and hopeful for what my next chapters going to look like.

      Today I’m grateful for some clarity. I’m grateful I’ve learned to communicate better what I want in life. I’m grateful for the ability to quit this horrible addiction because it serves no purpose in my life. I’m grateful I’m no longer numbed out from anything and that I’m facing everything dead on.

    • #151205
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I have alot on my mind but I’m really exhausted and just finished my counseling session so I dont feel like writing to much today. I’m doing ok today. Looking forward to some self care for myself. Today I’m grateful for my counselor he’s really good with me. I’m grateful for another day on the jobsite as I’m getting paid to do intense exercise lol. And I’m grateful for some peace and quiet when I get home.

    • #151250
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m trying so hard to stay positive right now. I dont feel like writing or expressing anything right now but I no need to. When I clam up and feel like isolating my thoughts is when I start to get into a bad place. I don’t feel like gambling I haven’t thought about it at all actually in along time. I don’t miss it. It ruined me as a person that’s all I no. And I never want to go back to that dark place again. The fact that I’m still trying to deal with the mess I made for myself is enough for me to never want to escape my pain again. I dont like feeling pain and sadness but I no its nessicary and a part of life. I’m doing relatively ok considering my life is all over the map. Even though I hate being alone I’m adjusting everyday to it. If anything there’s less drama and toxic bs at the end of the day. My counselor tried to remind me that I’m not going to be alone forever its just for now. Of course my brain goes to who the hell wants to be with a recovering addict who has been hooked on drugs/alcohol/ and gambling. Even though its been 10 years since i drank or did drugs I still feel like a defect.Talk about every read flag there is. Plus my lifetime of trauma is a another steer clear sign to some people. I literally have a do not enter sign attached to my forehead lol or that’s how I feel sometimes. I get told I’m a good person or that I’m pretty, skilled,smart but I have a hard time letting myself believe any of that. That’s why I’m trying to really hard to work on my self confidence. I want to be able to say those things to myself and believe it. I can say I feel I’m intelligent but I keep going back to how does a smart person throw away there entire life to a bullshit addiction and then I have to fight with myself and say because I was in so much pain inside that I just blew a head gasket literally. I’m human I made a horrible life choice but I no that I’m going to be better in time I just have to patient with the process.

      Today I’m grateful for being resilient. I’m grateful that I have the strength to keep pushing through the hard times. I’m grateful for the ability to see changes in myself and what I need to work on.

    • #151307
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m beyond exhausted today I got home frow work and could barely speak. My body is shaking from pushing myself so hard. I was trying to do more paperwork for getting full possession legally of the cottage and I almost threw the paperwork across the room. I had to go back up to the cottage to put the paperwork on the door for legal purposes. The tenant has now left completely but refuses to come back and clean up. I went inside again and looked at how mangled the place is again. I got upset at how someone could do what he did. I started crying yet again because I’m just so tired and my aunt says ill have to clean it up and fix some of the damage. I told her I’m not paying for new appliances since it’s not my place it’s her responsibility. I no She’s sick but she still has her witts and trys to take advantage me. She made me pay for the paperwork to be filed which I thought was unfair since it was her tenant but thats just how she is. Unfortunately I have nowhere else to go so I have to put up with the bullshit. She’s all I have for blood family left other than my uncle with dementia who I put in a home last year. I couldn’t look after him anymore. He was bed ridden and I’d come home from work and do all his care it was to much for me I did it for 3 years. I had careaids come during the day but they didn’t look after him very well. It was tough on me. I feel like I haven’t had a break in along time. I think when I started gambling I literally just broke I had hit my capacity of stuff I could take. I was dealing with my partners injuries from his accident, my grandma died suddenly and i was the only one with her holding her hand as she past, then I took over her house to look after my uncle in it, my cousin was in the basement and was a severe alcoholic so I was dealing with him and a psychotic gf he had, and I was trying to start a new career in trades after working in Healthcare. Then my aunt decided to be selfish and want her money from my grandmas house so on top of everything else I busted my ass trying to fix the house up to sell with no help from anyone it was alot of work. I think when the house sold and we couldn’t find anywhere to live last summer I just hit my breaking point I broke into a million pieces. On top of having all my past traumas come back to haunt me I think the house selling brought up everything because it was traumatic for me to leave that place since my grandma raised me since I was a little girl in it. I always went back to that house when I needed somewhere safe to go. I relapsed with gambling right after it sold.I think right now I’m just so overwhelmed and tired that I just don’t no how to function well. I’m on autopilot with my head spinning in circles ln how to survive right now. I wish I could take a holiday sooner because I’m just done but I can’t I have to wait till Easter holiday. I have to try and find some gratitude today to see some good things right now. So today I’m grateful for being able to write on here and let my thoughts out. I’m grateful that I have things to look forward to in my future. I’m grateful that today is almost over because tomorrow’s a fresh day to start new with some positive things.

    • #151313
      danieldrake1
      Participant

      Let’s start fresh here. 03/24/2022 clean date let’s go!!

    • #151324
      njp31322
      Participant

      Absolutely! May you all have a blessed 3/24/22 and I hope today brings you peace and comfort where possible. Let’s crush today!!

    • #151353
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks kin for your kind words. I dont like being negative but sometimes recovery can me a depressing process for awhile it comes it waves for me. I definitely yoyo in my emotions but thats to be expected since I was numbing myself for a few months straight.

      Hey danieldrake1 I’m so glad you keep coming back and posting. You no that you have a problem and that you want to fix it. I definitely recommend trying some counseling and putting some barriers in place to be able to keep yourself from gambling

      Today my ex decided to send me this message in the morning and he said here’s something positive for you.

      “When we first find recovery, some of us feel shame or despair at calling ourselves “addicts” In the early days, we may be filled with both fear and hope as we struggle to find new meaning in our lives. The past may seem inescapable and overpowering. It may be hard to think of ourselves in any way other than the way we always have.

      While memories of the past can serve as reminders of what’s waiting for us if we use again, they can also keep us stuck in a nightmare of shame and fear. Though it may be difficult to let go of those memories, each day in recovery can bring us that much farther away from our active addiction. Each day, we can find more to look forward to and less to punish ourselves for.

      In recovery, all doors are open to us. We have many choices. Our new life is rich and full of promise. While we cannot forget the past, we don’t have to live in it. We can move on.”

    • #151360
      danieldrake1
      Participant

      03/25/2022 I’m a sick compulsive gambler. today I will start my clean date. it’s like I have no control. step 1 is a no brainer. I’m powerless over gambling.

    • #151368
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      Daniel drake, you are no worse than the best of us at the wrong time. You are able to gamble and so you do. The only reason I have not gambled in 15 days is that I CAN’T. I have so limited my access that I actually have no way of doing it. It is the only way when you are at your weakest and so you have to put some blocks in place. I am not sure what you can do, only you do. You have to do whatever it is, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel, to make sure you cant. I know that I put blocks in place but there and always something I could do to get around the blocks on my electronics and so I never had more than a few days clean. It made me feel hopeless if I knew that I couldn’t gamble at all so I never fixed the issue and I always failed. You have to overcome that feeling of despair that sits in your stomach and do whatever it takes to make sure you cant place a wager or put money online. If you are serious you will do it. Take the hard steps now and dont think that you are weak because you cant just stop on your own. We are addicts and addicts need help in the beginning. We need to be separated from the source of our addiction and that is what you need to work on. Strength and time will help you later.

    • #151389
      libu
      Participant

      I have self excluded myself from the sites I used to use , I have tried by all means to make sure my phone is off limits ,but I sometimes feel like I have put myself through too much when the urge arrives , but it helps when I talk to someone else whom I know will tell me it’s for the better.
      Everyday is harder when you have debts and you don’t have a plan how you are going to pay them up when month-end keeps approaching …but one day at the time, I’ll keep pushing and getting stronger

    • #151401
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Congratulations libu on making the step to self exclude. It’s really hard to do as I no how those casinos string us along. There is lots of help out there with debt relief. It’s just a matter of getting the knowledge of someone who can help you with that. Talk to a fincial advisor or one of the many debt relief trustess out there that can give you some advice on what you can do. I personally am just pushing myself to pay it myself but thats because I can right now. The biggest thing is getting yourself the help you need to overcome the addiction itself. It takes a good amount of time to rewire our brains. Happy your hear and wishing you all that have made comments strength in your recovery.

      I wanted to post something in regards to my own issues today. I notice that I still struggle with this need to be perfect in the sense that I feel if I’m showing despair in anyway that it’s bad. I saw this qoute that popped up and it said that ,” you don’t have to be postive all the time. It’s perfectly OK to feel sad,angry,annoyed, frustrated,scared or anxious. Having “feelings” does not make you a negative person it makes you human. I definitely needed that kick in the head because I get so bent out of shape if I’m showing any of those feelings as if it’s wrong. When I was a kid I wasn’t aloud to show emotions or feelings my step dad that raised me would record me crying or having tantrums as a kid and play it back to me telling me how stupid I sounded and to stop. So now still after all those years I still think I’m defective if I show any feelings or emotions to things. It’s sad when I think about it how long I’ve carried that inability to be ok with feeling anything. I relaize those emotions and feelings are uncomfortable for others but it’s expression were ment to have. To many people are numb like I was and or taught like I was to not show feelings/emotions. Probably why i got into trades because you literally just listen to people yell at each other all day because showing any other feelings is considered weak. I’m a women were naturally emotional so therefore I need to accept that it’s OK to be just that. I need to work on letting myself be human and not some emotionally challenged robot.

      Today I’m grateful that I got a lock and key to a women’s washroom on my jobsite site because it’s the simple things in life that make your day lol. I’m grateful for the ability to work hard as I’ve lost alot weight in the last few weeks which I needed and I’ve gained alot of strength. I’m grateful for fresh veggies and a healthy diet because my body needs the nutrients.

    • #151421
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      Libu, while it’s great to self exclude from the sites that you usually play if you find yourself struggling to stay off of your phone then why not install the software that makes sure you cant gamble on your phone? I am one who was self excluded from many many many sites and there are still more than I could join. If you cant then you simply cant. It is uncomfortable to think about not being able to but take the steps to install it qhe you have them strength to want to quit for good. It took me a while to commit to it because the thought of not being able to was unpleasant, but after losing a whack of cash one day I did it and it has saved my butt these days. We all want to have the strength and will power to say no, but in the beginning you will need a bit more than that. Gamban is great for me and should work for you on your devices. Invest the small amount in the beginning because you will save it 10 fold the first week you dont gamble. I hope it works out for you.

    • #151433
      jvr3419
      Participant

      That’s awesome losingitslowly that the gamban is working for you. I installed it early on to. I also found that the self excluding from every site was the best measure to. The process to sign up for new sites was to frustrating with me because you have to submit all those documents and the shame I had from my bank account dwindling made me not want to submit bank statements to another casino when I stopped. I was just going to post on your thread to congratulate you on getting the time in you have. Sounds like your on the right track In terms of how to stay away from it now. The hardest part is definitely finding away out of the withdrawals. It took me a solid month to not want to gamble at all as everything was triggering at first. The only thing that saved me was being in my course for 6 weeks because I was to busy and studying at night. I also had my counseling sessions to which helped identify my issues for wanting to return to gambling. Us addicts definitely need help to avoid the need to escape patterns were prone to.

      Today I’m on 90 days gamblefree I set it as a goal to reach so that I could stay accountable. Posting here everyday is hard but it’s really helping me. Being as vulnerable as I have is alot for me to express but hiding myself doing it alone won’t help me at all. I hope that I can be one of the success stories that has overcome all my addictions and made a better life. I’m making my next goal 6 months to reach. Wishing everyone lots of strength today

    • #151505
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’ve had a really awesome couple days. I was really focused on self care for myself. My friend and I did a spa day with saunas and hot tubs yesterday and I also got my hair done for the first time in 2 1/2 years. I felt more like a woman should for the first time in along time. I’ve been feeling gruby and to masculine lately with my line of work so I feel pretty for the first time in along time. I wore a bikini for the first time to in about a year to and felt confident it was really nice. Today I did my step 4 with my sponsor and let go of my resentments from my relationship. We also discussed starting our new stepwork next weekend that’s tailored towards our culture. I ordered a program from the states thats called wellbriety that focuses on first nations culture that encompasses the 12 steps so I’m extremely excited to finally get to work that program. My step-dad raised me with his culture on reserves since I was a year old and my own bloodline is part Iroquois so its really cool that I can encompass my beliefs and spirtuality into my recovery. There’s not right or wrong way to do what works for you in my opinion. There’s many recovery avenues to take and I definitely prefer more of holistic approach. I’m still very involved with NA and AA to and unfortunately there’s no GA here for me but this forum is helping for that part. My counselor specializes in gambling addiction specifically though so thats a major help for me right now in my recovery journey from gambling addiction. Because Ive had many addictions and issues in my life I have alot of different things I’m trying to do to become healthier. I am more determined than I’ve ever been to be the best version I can for myself.

      Today I’m grateful for doing my stepwork. I’m grateful for my awesome hairdresser for making me feel pretty again. And I’m grateful for looking after myself this weekend

    • #151569
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I became really irritable at the end of my work day today. The foreman running the job pissed me off with his lack of direction and communication all day and I left feeling really pissed off. He was being rude to me before I left so I began to get my back up and I was about to snap on him but I tried to hold my tongue and just left feeling irritated. My head starting doing circles on my way home about my career choice as I’m starting to question whether it’s a good fit for me anymore. I worked hard to earn my place and my wage but it’s just such a toxic environment alot of the time. There’s alot of this negative talk about each other behind each others back and everyone seems to no better than the other so there’s alot of control issues and egos that make it frustrating. I’m trying to find healthy balance in my life and I’m definitely finding my work is starting to get to me in terms of being unhealthy. I new trades were chaotic and full of addiction and yet i still chose to do it for the good paychecks. one guy shows up half wasted most mornings yelling his face off at the younger foreman for not doing his job right. It’s just irritating and causes the foreman to snap because he feels threatened then snaps at me because the older drunk sets off his trauma of having an alcoholic dad so its a merry round ride all day long. The other guys on our crew rarley show up so it puts us behind and adds more stress to the situation. I no im doing my best but my perfectionist mindset takes over that I’m not good enough if I make a simple mistake or when I get criticized for something thats not my fault. I’m not good with people that try to use aggression and negatively with me I just crumble. I used to throw shit at my shop foreman because he became abusive with me but I’m trying to just hold myself back when I feel that rage hit like today. I was walking down the stairs well my foreman was yelling at me but I couldn’t hear him because there was someone hammer drilling concrete in the stairwell. I eventually heard him and turned around but I started swearing a bit because I was already pissed when he raised his voice. We both calmed ourselves as we’ve known each other for years and understand one another but I still felt off and uncomfortable I dont even want to go to work tomorrow but I no I need to face these guys head on and just let tomorrow be another day. I have to really work on my reactions to the negativity and try to go to some meditative place when the toxic behaviors of everyone comes out. I almost need a safe word lol. I used to say Mufasa from lion king because he tells simba remember who you are. Looks like I’m going to need to have that word on automatic redial in my brain at work from now on.

    • #151625
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I had a much better day today. I decided to make a little intervention with my crew this morning and discuss the issues that were causing tension with everyone. I no if I wasn’t there the guys wouldn’t bat an eyelash at trying to get along better but I explained to them that it’s making everyone on edge and uncomfortable not getting along and our work is sloppy because everyone’s pissed off and not properly communicating. All the guys agreed that we have to work better togeather on this job as its hectic already so we need to get along better. By early morning everyone was laughing and joking around and we were much faster and efficient because we all communicated what was going on through the day regarding our tasks. I felt relieved and extremely grateful that I spoke up instead of fearing potential backlash. I see improvement with myself already since I’ve been in counseling. I took a bad situation and decided to make a change. I had planed on potentially leaving today if the discussion didn’t go well. I figured why put myself through more bs there’s tons of work where I live. I’m super happy that I’m learning to stand up for myself in a more positive manner. My old techniques of lashing out like I used to just make others get more defensive so today I decided a different approach of being assertive and saying what I need to instead of hiding my feelings. If I was still gambling and in my addictive depression mode there’s no way I would of had the guts to speak up today.i would of continued being angry and resentful. Doing my step 4 on resentments the other day really made me remeber that I have to do a daily inventory regarding my own defects of character. Because if I don’t I’m liable to slip into my addiction again as stressful life situations are what led me to relapse into gambling in the first place.

      Today I’m grateful for being assertive. I’m grateful for the work I’m doing in my recovery. I’m grateful for another day addiction free.

    • #151748
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Doing ok today I’ve had alot of positive conversations happen in the last few days so I’m feeling pretty good about that. My aunt decided to leave for Thailand last minute to try and get a surgery done she needs. I’m really nervous as she’s extremely frail and weak and went alone she has stage 4 cancer that she’s been holding on for along time from. She said to me last night before she left that this could be the last moment I see her as she may not return if she can’t make it through the surgery. I got pretty sad last night as she’s really all I have left for blood family so I’m trying to stay positive that she’ll make it back ok. If not I have to accept that she’s gone where her heart wanted to go right now. She’s the strongest person I no and she’s hurt me alot in my life but I’ve let go of my resentments at her because its not worth the rented space in my head anymore. What’s done is done and I’m starting a clean slate. She said one last thing to me is to keep trying to look at the positives and keep smiling. She said don’t stop trying be a better person and don’t take shit from anyone just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’ve had non stop loss in my life so its hard not to feel uneasy. However I no im capable of managing on my own because i have been for awhile now. Fincially I’m doing ok I’ve saved alot already since I quit gambling. I’m doing well at work so I no I have a stable job and even if I didn’t I’ve gone to college 3 times so I’m trained in a few different careers if I need to fall back on other things. I saw my counselor last night and he asked me if I’ve thought about gambling I said no not at all. I don’t even like the idea of it anymore it repulses me just like the thought of drinking or doing drugs does. I no I don’t have alot of time in yet but I no that I’m on the right track now and that the withdrawl and craving stages are over. I’ve learned to identify my emotions and feelings and how to sit with them. I’ve learned my triggers and what caused my relapse in the first place and how to prevent that again so I feel I’m doing really well now.

    • #151850
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today was a great day my ex and I took our dog hiking up to a waterfall and had a nice fire near by there was nobody in site. We were able to learn to be in each other’s company without resentment or the need for a relationship. We’ve known each other for along time and have been best friends forever so it’s hard for us to try and not be in each other’s life. We have extremely strong boundaries in terms of trying to be together since we both have alot of work still to do on ourselves so its nice that we have now turned a new leaf and can be good friends without expectations. We’re both really adventurous people we love extreme sports and hiking alot so he nos I’ll always join him regardless of where we stand relationship wise. At first we had a rough break but slowly we’ve both been doing some work to try and work through the relationship resentments and move into this place of being able to hang out as friends. I’m glad that I’ve been doing stepwork and counseling as its allowed me to find this place of releasing my codependency issues as I no longer seek out the relationship part with my ex. Maybe he has different motives for the future but I dont have any I’m just learning to be ok by myself and not need to be with someone. I’ve never phoned or texted him its always been him so I’m doing good in that department. I haven’t seeked out relationships elsewhere either I’m starting to actually be ok I on my own and enjoy the time I’ve had doing things by myself and healing in the right way. I’m really grateful for finding this place with myself of being ok. I was extremely suicidal for along time which seems to be very common in gambling addicts. I don’t even think it’s the fincial devastation that does it its the messed up brain chemistry that happens from gambling. I don’t miss that feel of despair at all it sucks.

    • #151923
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I did my first set of my steps for my red road recovery based off the wellbriety steps. I cried alot last night when I started them as it brought up alot of stuff for me. I needed to heal the cultural part of myself so thats why I chose to do these steps. My sponsor gifted me with a drum today and put a song into about 4 legged creatures that she learned from her elders. She said she chose that song as I have such a strong connection to animals like my dog. She made the drum for me which in my culture is a huge deal. I feel so incredibly grateful that I’m finding this path for myself right now. The teaching and readings from the program I’m starting are so inspiring and hitting alot of the right places for me to heal every part of myself properly. One thing I liked is it was talking about how before the settlers came that they new they would bring 4 mind changers ( addiction). One of those things was a card.I new that ment gambling. That hit a huge cord with me last night as I felt immense pain that I was drawn into the dark side. But I’m happy that I’m finding the right path back to myself. Culturally I have many different beliefs because im interracial and only part native so I have teachings from my English grandmother but also from my first nations side to so I’m really lucky to have so many things to keep me grounded now that I’m willing to look at them more. I’m really grateful for the opportunity to find my true identity because ive been lost for along time. Without recovery and the willingness to dig deep into my traumas and heal them i wouldn’t be doing this work today.

    • #152012
      jvr3419
      Participant

      It was rough a night where I live as we’ve had 100km plus winds so I’ve been out of power for over 24hours. So I had no running water or heat but I managed. Lucky my trailer isn’t horrible because it’s not alot of space so my dog and alot of blankets can keep me warm. My water heater arrived yesterday so I’m really grateful i can install that this week and finally have running water till I get the legal paperwork for taking possession of the cottage I’m moving into to. The tenant has caused threats so I can even attempt to clean the place yet so it has to go through the courts which takes months sometimes. I’m trying to be patient as I have no choice in that area of my life. Turning that over to the creator because some things in life you can’t control and just have to let it be. The positive is I save money till then except what I had to dish out for my water heater but when I sell my trailer a new water heater will up the selling point so thats a positive to. Today I’m 100 days gamblefree so I’m grateful for that. Things can always be worse I still have gas to cook with till the storm dies down but I go to work in the city so I’m not even stuck in my trailer except at night to sleep. With the storm our elevator lift is not safe so I get to haul material up and down 20 flights of stairs as we’re starting to work at the top of the high rise were on. The positive is I stay warm lol. I get paid to excericise and I’m totally exhausted when I get home so I somewhat slept OK last night through the brutal wind and rain. Hopefully it’ll be over today though because the whole island I lied on has down lines and trees down everywhere. Keeping my fingers crossed I make it to work today without any tree or Poweline obstacles to tackle.

    • #152126
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      Your resilience has been tested over and over and still you come out swinging. Good for you and dont ever stop fighting the good fight. I need to be more able to ride the waves, but I find that my addiction has left me feeling so vulnerable at times that a knock at the door will leave me feeling like the world is collapsing. That was never me before this, it’s just that when you are engaged in a self destructive activity you live in a bubble. Anything can burst that bubble easily and then you are left out there for all to see. I am reading your posts, hearing your frustration and feeling like I can take on the day that I must face if you can take on yours. Safe travels today and I hope that you have power soon.

    • #152170
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks so much for the really nice comments that means so much to me to read. I guess my experience with being in recovery for the last 10 years has already paved this path for me so I’m well versed it what it means to push for a healthy life. I just lost my way for awhile but I’m not willing to make that mistake again. I feel fortunate that at my age I get a second chance to make something better for myself so I’m not going to waste it. My mom died at 34 the same age I an now and she never got to experience life so I want to make sure that I can live the life she didnt get to now. I reached a point where I was sick and tired of not living so now I am even if I’m mostly doing it by myself. Today I went to the pool for the first time by myself I was always nervous to go anywhere where im exposes by myself. I had to get an oil change thats right beside the casino. I didn’t even bat an eyelash at the casino I new that the hottub was calling my name at the pool down the road well I waited for my car at the dealership. So today was an accomplishment for myself going into the pool by myself. I didn’t feel anxious or anything so I no my therapies working and insanely grateful for it. I’m grateful that I can be alone and not feel sad I’m actually starting to like it now

    • #152236
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Last night I decided to do a new hypnosis technique that I learned along time ago I just haven’t applied it much since I’ve been doing EMDR treatments.I’ve been trying to focus mostly on meditation to calm my brain at night. Years ago I wrote papers when I was in school for mental health and addiction on the benefits of hypnosis and ptsd. I of course went down the wrong path for awhile and lost all those things I learned. My brain broke so I’m putting it back togeather. Anyways I had a natropath start me on hypnosis about 10 years ago after that I was hooked. I learned everything I could right down to dream interpretation. It worked while i was practicing it. So I decided to try a new one last night that was on releasing emotional blockages. The first thing I saw was me sitting in a classroom as a child my mom showed up and grabbed me and hugged me in the child form telling me I’ll be ok and that she’ll help show me the way and protect me. She grabbed my hand in the child form then turned to me as the adult form saying come with us ill help you through this. So throughout the whole hypnosis i followed her and my childform through all these doors that led me to things that I was still holding onto from childhood. By the end she had led me to a more peaceful place where I could learn to just be free from it all. It was unexplainable how free I felt or how much emotion I had even seeing my mom talk to me I haven’t heard her voice or was able to picture her well because she died when I was 11. My mom was a huge blockage for me emotionally so to see her in that light was super profound. I’m really grateful today that gambling has been removed from my life because it took away these things that helped me before. It took every part of who I am away. I was telling my ex the other day it’s scarey still to me what happened because I’m not a stupid person and to let myself get that lost mentally and into addiction terrifies me. Im so determined to make sure that I never ever get to that low again regardless of what life throws at me. I’ve definitely been tested an insane amount in the last few months but I’m not letting it take me to a dark place again. I no I deserve better than being trapped into the trance of addiction.

    • #152381
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I thought I posted this morning but I forgot to hit the submit button lol. Pretty accurate to how my brians functioning today. I ended up really sick this weekend and it’s gotten alot worse. I pushed myself yesteday to install my water heater so I could have water again but it made my cold/flu worse as it was raining like crazy yesterday. Now I’m off work because I’m way to weak and coughing alot. I never get sick so I hope it’s not covid as everyone i no has had it but me. I don’t do well being super vulnerable and sick because I have a hard time just sleeping and doing nothing but I no its nessicary to heal. I no this has nothing to do with gambling but for some people being stuck at home going stir crazy would be a gambling trigger. For me it’s not anymore but I still have to watch myself and not isolate where I’m still in contact with others to make sure I don’t go to squirrely. My ex and friends have already checked on me so I’m trying to stay positive that this bug or whatever it is passes. It’s definitely a hinderence but I guess my body needed rest so this is what the creator gave me a bad cold/flu so I’m forced to rest. I’m grateful i have water though now that’s a huge relief for me that I got the water heater installed it was a huge pain but I did it so I’m proud of that as I saved 1000s not hiring someone. I’ve never been afraid to try and fix things even if I don’t no how I just try to problem solve. Lucky it wasn’t to bad except that I was in a brain fog and pain being sick doing it. I guess im willing to do anything to survive lol.

    • #152440
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks Kin
      I just tested positive for covid so I’m stuck isolating I had to cancel my trip for the Easter weekend. Im trying hard to not feel angry. I needed to get away I haven’t seen my family in almost 2 1/2 years. I can’t do anything as whenever I try to walk I can’t breathe very well. My ex brought me some food this morning so I can at least try to eat but it’s hard to get down. I hope this shit passes fast because my whole body is in pain now. This definitely sucks. I’m grateful for my friends and my ex that keep checking on me as I feel pretty alone living by myself as it is being sick makes it 10 times harder. Especially this sickness its super debilitating I’m lucky I’m healthy already so I should come out of this ok fingers crossed.

    • #152466
      libu
      Participant

      Sending love. Get well soon.
      I’ve had alot of breakdowns the past few weeks😢 I feel so guilty and sad at myself for not protecting myself from this emotions that raise an urge , when I felt angry at everybody else in my home and felt less support I went a head and tried all I could to gamble again yet I did a lot of blockage for weeks, will this ever be over🙆

    • #152472
      Losingitslowly
      Participant

      Suffered through that curse at new years too and it is nasty for some. I hope that you are taking it easy and sleeping lots. It takes time to get over it so take lots of time if you need it and dont try to be superwoman. Ask those around you for help

    • #152474
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Jvr

      I sincerely hope you will soon feel better; I’m so pleased you have an ex and friends to look after you.

      Keep your mind filled with all the good things that you have been writing about.

      Don’t waste your energy on being angry because it will only wear you out.

      Keep posting, you have many people here who are willing you on and want to hear you enjoying a speedy, successful recovery.

      As Kin said earlier, your posts show a strong, mature and very brave lady who deserves to have a happy life.

      I wish you well

      Velvet

    • #152487
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      Hi Jvr,
      I hope you will get better soon, I had covid before 9 months. the danger here is the isolation I had to stay for two weeks at home and I can’t go out, all that free time triggered the urges to gamble and I have relapsed during that period.
      take care, and keep yourself busy and distracted from the gambling thoughts.
      hope you all the best

    • #152500
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thankyou for the kind comments. I’m definitely pushing myself through this. I’m struggling alot with the breathing and of course being caged up. I’m lucky however that I live in a beautiful spot. I managed to sit myself on the edge of my trailer and I looked around the farm I’m on and all these different animals were staring at me from there “caged” up spots. They’re all well looked after but animals don’t get to be free like us humans so I empathized looking over at a puppy he was staring at me from his fenced area and to my left a cat was staring at me from the window of the house ( house cat), the sheep were looking at me from there fenced barriers and the dogs were roaming around in there with them. I suddenly appreciated the value that we have as people to just be free to do whatever we want. My brain has been trying to go to a depressed plce but I fight it.Everyday I talk to my friends or family though and try to remeber this isn’t forever. I don’t think about gambling I just think about the damage I did from it. I’ve been working really hard on the forgiveness to myself for what I’ve done. Being in isolation makes you think alot more about it that’s for sure. The main thing is addiction is formed from trauma and I no that if I never want to go back there I have to keep continuing to heal all parts of myself. Even anything new that may arise. Even this situation alone could be considered traumatic its horrible and scarey not being able to breathe and the isolation is not good for us humans. I’m definitely not going to let some virus take me out thats for sure. I have food, I have water and hot water, I have a shelter even if it’s not ideal it’s better than some have. I have people that love and care about me I have alot to be grateful for and need to remeber that alot right now.

    • #152552
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thankyou for sharing your gratitude list kin. It makes me happy to see that. My sleep cycles super messed up so I’m wide awake in the middle of the night wanting to share some things I came across today that I think are extremely valuable to people like us in recovery. I was outside getting fresh air and I had left youtube on my TV it started automatically playing a tedtalk I hadn’t selected which was bizarre. It was a woman talking about the power of vulnerability lol. Anyways I had to watch and replay this video 4 times to really absorb what she said. She started out by talking how vulnerability is just shame,guilt, and fear. And shame is just disconnection. And for many we avoid vulnerability because of not wanting to feel those things. Most of all not feeling worthy of connection. Talk about ringing bells for me. She said so we decide to numb those things associated with vulnerability. And you can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing out other affects and emotions like joy,gratitude,and happiness. And then we end up miserable looking for meaningfulness and purpose. And then we are vulnerable. And it becomes this dangerous cycle. She said one of the things we have to think about it why we numb out. It doesn’t just have to be addiction we also can try to make everything uncertain certain. And out of that we end up in this need for perfection. She finishes off by saying we need to allow ourselves to be seen,be vulnerable. And with that we find gratitude and joy instead of catastrophizing what might happen by being vulnerable.

      I definitely feel like I’ve come a long way in this area I’ve exposed myself more than I like but I no its nessicary in order to establish connection because ultimately that’s what all us humans are looking for. Even when we don’t want it because we don’t feel worthy of it most likely because of how we grew up or something that’s happened in our life to make us feel that way. Having an addiction definitely brings alot of shame(disconnection). But knowing or allowing ourselves to feel like we’re worthy of forgiveness and connection is truly the only way to really heal. I no that’s what I’m finding anyways. And it starts by forgiving ourselves,being honest with our loved ones, and doing the work necessary to undo past traumas that keep us trapped in the horrible cycle of tying to numb our vulnerability. Lol rant over this is what being stuck in isolation does to me but at least it’s a positive message lol.

    • #152630
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi kin thanks for asking. I’m doing better. I’m still really weak but I tried walking a bit today with my ex standing by as I get really dizzy and exhausted I lose my balance alot. I fell out of my shower yesterday morning I couldn’t get enough oxygen and It’s In my ears to so that throws me off balance. It started out as an ear infection that’s where it targeted first before it got into my respiratory system. Im getting my appetite back though today and the cold symptoms have gone away. So now it’s just trying to get my strength back. I’ve never had anything take me out this bad before as I’m super healthy but I do not wish this on anyone.

    • #152691
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks Kin I’m definitely trying to avoid ever going back into a dry drunk again. This week has definitely tested me thats for sure. And I’m doing everything I can in my condition to keep myself connected to others. Today I reached out to a girl that posted on a random qoute from some page about trauma. I usually don’t interact on Facebook at all let alone with strangers but I felt like I had to. I told her to contact me as it sounded like she was suicidal a bit. The girl ended up sending me a message as she felt incredibly alone she’s somewhere on the other side of the world kind of like how we all are. It felt really good to be able to be there for someone else that was struggling that hard and felt nobody cared about them. I’ve learned that the only way to get outside of my own self sometimes is to reach out to others. I’ve always been the person people come to but I was really shut down and depressed especially last year when I started gambling again and nobody wanted anything to do with me. The once positive and insightful person I was just vanished into my Trauma and pain. All I no now is even though I’m working through the guilt part of losing all that money that I have to find away to make up from being in that addicted state. I hope that by being able to give some hope and strength to others no matter them be addicts or just other people struggling through life right now that it will keep me grounded and out of that self doubt mindset. It’s certainly easy to do being isolated but tomorrow I’m allowed back into the world I tested negative so I’m going to try venturing out into life again and regain a place in society lol.

    • #152743
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I finally got let out of my cage. I ended just spending the day with my ex as we’re all we have for family where I live. It’s always just been us two unless we traveled like I was supposed to for Easter. We had alot of postive conversations about what went wrong in our relationship on both sides and reached a mutual understanding of the pain we both inflicted on each other. We are no where near getting back togeather as he still needs to get professional help for his brain injury which he agreed to do after he finishes a set of steps. I also have alot of work still to do and am working on my stepwork to so its important for us to make sure we don’t rush into the relationship again. I’ve seen way to many people relapse and get taken out again by relationship issues and breakups. I don’t want that to be the case for me nor do I want the relationship to overshadow my early recovery days. It’s easy to get stuck in that honeymoon faze and forget that you have issues as they always come back full circle if there not mended. For me to reach this level of maturity and also not push for a relationship is huge. As I’ve never lived alone I’ve had a bf since I was 13 and I lived with everyone of them including the one when I was that young. I no that I deserve this time alone even if me and him still spend some time together it’s not everyday and I don’t blow up his phone either I’m not that type. I feel that it’s important to remove the codependent tendency that comes from being an addict. I need to learn to find comfort and safety in myself. I’ve never felt safe except with him but then that faded once he changed from his brain injury. I told him I need to find my safe place within myself and it’s going to take some hard work and time to still do that. My physical safe place was my grandmas but since that sold I need to find it internally instead of from a material possession as those never last as I’ve now realized. Being an addict makes it hard for me to feel safe with myself or even trust my own self for that matter but I no that with a strong spiritual outlet I can get there I just have to build a stronger connection to it which is what I’m attempting through doing my cultural approach to stepwork

    • #152764
      brenda01
      Participant

      Hello! I have been following your posts since I signed up on this site. I have posted my first journal entry and now just waiting on my post to be checked by the moderator.

      I am thankful for this site. There are so many people like me on this site. It makes me feel at home because I have to face it, I am in a boat of addiction to gambling alone. There are not even meetings for gamblers within 75 miles that I have found. Thankful I have online help.

      Best of luck to you and thank you for inspiring me to stay accountable!

    • #152903
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi Kin thanks for sharing that it’s very beautiful.

      Welcome brenda01 I’m so glad to see you’ve found a place that you can. Connect and work on your recovery journey. This place is a great way to get strength and encouragement.

      Today I went back to work. I’m still trying to get my strength back from covid. These are the days I kick myself for being in the trades as there’s no such thing as light duties with what I do but I’m glad that I have the skill set to push through my day even if I’m slower than usual. I got to spend some time with a good friend yesterday so that took away some of my blues from being alone all last week. My friends have always been my family so I’m thankful for the ones I do have. My sponsee that I’ve had from NA has been reaching out to me alot lately so I’m really grateful for that as I get to teach her how to find spirtuality again in her life. The same thing I’ve had to relearn. No matter how much time you have in you can still lose that which is what happened to me. I became angry,lost,impatient, disconnected from everything especially my spirtual side thats how I ended up with this new addiction. I realized I was living in so much fear. I have this tattoo I got years ago on my arm that says everything you want in life is behind fear. And it’s so true. I always wanted to be rid of my traumas but I was so fearful of going to that place and having to relive the pain. I always thought of fear as going two ways F*ck everything and run or face everything and rise. This time I’ve chosen the better of the two and for that I’m extremely grateful today. Pain is only temporary and with strength, guidance and support of others it’s possible to be on a better and more healthy recovery journey. But it’s starts with surrender and connection.

    • #152991
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Unrealistic expectations can happen in so many ways like looking to others for self validation, making assumptions, expecting change to be instant or when beliefs are pushed onto others and then disappointment occurs when they don’t act the way we think they should. These things trigger me immensely when others do it to me I no that.

      Expecting someone else to make me happy has occured many times throughout my life both on my end and on my partners end. However, I have changed that perspective and now no I only get that from myself. And I cannot do it for someone else either that is there own responsibility

      Assuming others know what you’re thinking is something that drives me up the wall. My boss does this constantly and it always ends up negatively for everyone around. To me its just a form of control. Im not perfect though I have answered “nothing” when asked “what is wrong?” all the time and have felt disappointment admittingly when the person doesn’t no what’s up.

      Believing people should agree with my perspective. I can’t say that I haven’t done this. I’m ashamed that I’ve gone to that place before. It happens mostly in relationships unconsciously. I realize we all have our own ideas and sides to things and ive always been able to see both sides to the coin. However,not everyone will want to see my side or perspective and it’s just a matter of excepting that.

      Thinking I can change someone else. I swear this is a woman’s curse. I admitingly have ended up in everyone one of my relationships thinking I can help guide and change defects in my partners. I’m not proud of it. I’ve also been on the reciprocating end of it constantly to so I understand the frustration of it. This is my biggest goal to prevent and change the cycle of in my life today.

      My grandma used to tell me to look at the waves of the ocean and attach my worries and expectations to them. And watch as they move into the wave and then wash away. Probably why I’ve always felt so calm living near the water I have a sense of peace and calmness just sitting watching the waves or even surfing in them for that matter.

    • #152992
      brenda01
      Participant

      I read this post and thought to myself “this was what I needed to hear after the feelings from my head emerged today”.

      Overthinking is something I have always been bad about. Thinking I know what people are thinking is even worse from me.

      Thank You!!!

    • #153046
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks kin always loved drew shes definitely an idol of mine.

      I totally understand brenda01 the good ol making an ass out of u and me. Its the worst especially after you have time to process those amazing psychic abilities. I hate when I do that but it happens frequently in my life. I’m super hard on myself especially after this addiction. I have a horrible tendency to assume people think the worst of me especially my exes family and friends. I’m not stupid though I understand the judgement and automatic negative comments there going to say because that’s just what people do when they no someone they love is feeling hurt. But what I forget is that with time to process that stuff people eventually see the bigger picture and try to understand why people like us end up in an addiction like gambling. I do think about why we go to this place of assumption though and I feel it has to do with our brains learned hardwiring. We have so much to process on a daily basis that I think it’s just automatic. Our brains save energy by making assumptions.We go off past experience. So in new situations we’re just relaying these patterns or thoughts to that situation. It’s hard not to worry what others think of us either. We’re already in this horrible place of guilt and shame so its only natural to feel our self esteem rear It’s ugly head into our own unconscious thoughts. I myself am trying to find peace with myself to not care what others think of me. Really it doesn’t matter at the end of the day because nobody is living our life but us. I’ve been choosing to no longer listen to my inner dialoge because that voice is bad shit crazy lol.

    • #153144
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi Kin thanks for sharing your posts. I always loved that wolf teaching I was taught that when I was little.

      I’m doing better still have foggy brain and some ear issues but I’m able to breathe better and I’ve retained my energy back. My work actually paid me for the sick days off I had as here in Canada they mandated everyone get 5 days paid sick leave now since everyone was applying for covid relief so that was nice to see on my paycheck.

      And how are you doing these days?

    • #153199
      jvr3419
      Participant

      That’s great kin glad your on the right track.

      I dont have alot to talk about these days as I’ve been talking to alot of my friends and I had my therapy appointment on Friday so whatever was swirling in my heads been let out. I just find I’m in a much more simple and chaotic free life now so I’m ok. I’m paying my debt, I’m saving money, I’ve rid myself of being haunted by past trauma, I’ve kept myself away from chaotic relationships,which helps alot. I’ve let go of daily life stressors in terms of not having expectations or trying to control things. I don’t avoid my feelings or things that bother me I let it out in the moment or talk to someone about things and move on. I don’t take others abusive or toxic behaviors to heart because ive worked on what triggers me and why. I always had triggers from aggressive males because of things that happened in my life but I dont let that consume me anymore. I spend time alone now and I was never alone I haven’t been ever actually. This is the first time in my life I come home to just me and my dog and at first it was hard but now it’s nice because I realize there’s zero conflict and I can do whatever I want when I want without having to worry about how my partner feels if I go out and do something without him. I’m generally happy and I stopped comparing myself to other people. I dont look at happily married people with a family and go that should be me I just think I’m happy for them, I don’t think I’m a POS for no longer owning a big house, or not looking physically better like when I was in my 20s. I’ve accepted where I’m at all around and thats a very hard place to reach so I’m really grateful for that. I literally am just going day by day and living in each moment which is really nice. I’ve never known what it was like to not feel depressed but I can finally say I’m not for once in my life and for that I’m extremely grateful.

    • #153366
      jvr3419
      Participant

      For some reason I decided to do my research about impulse control issues. Ultimately that’s what this behavior addition can be categorized in. My brain never shuts off so I’m always looking for answers to things. I guess I woke up one more and decided ok why the heck can someone like myself decide to end up in constant addictive cycles. I no I had the cards stacked against me since I was born. My biological father who I don’t no actually no was a severe addict addicted to heroin and my mother had addiction issues and bipolar disorder. I dont tell people this ever but my parents met in a psychiatric ward lol I was kinda doomed from the start. And I guess im writing it out to finally stop hiding that shame that I had no control over. Basically what I understand is genetically,biologically, and environmentally I was set up for my brain to be in a state of chaos and disfunction. In turn I ended up with severe impulse control issues. I suppose I’m learning to forgive myself more for what I’ve done out of understanding myself better. Im not trying to deter from taking responsibility for my own actions at all I just want to sometimes figure out why my brain goes to destructive places so that I can try to at least fix those issues. I obviously new I had issues young that’s why I got away from drugs and alcohol 10 years ago. I guess I thought i had my psychological dependence to thing licked but my damaged brain has decided that’s not the case.I new the moment this addiction got bad that I had become to complacent and let my recovery guard down. I remeber seeing people after 10 years go out in my NA program and I never thought it would be me. I still never used drugs or drank again thankfully but to me gambling destroyed me worse in my short stint with is then the substances ever did. Probably because I’m 34 now and had worked towards more in my life to lose. But I can’t look back at this massive mistake in my life I have to continue to move forward which I am. I have 122 days gamble free and I’m really grateful for that. It’s alot of work and it’s not something you can avoid you get what you put into it. Im still clean from all addictions and behaviors right now because I’m not willing to run from my impulse control issues I’m facing everything dead on and constantly trying to remind myself to not let my guard down.

    • #153367
      brenda01
      Participant

      Hi JVR

      Your post about researching your impulse control intrigued me. I know that the side effects of one of my drugs was compulsive gambling. Did I pay attention to that? No I thought I knew better.

      I can’t completely blame the medication as I knew full well my “sperm donor” was an addict. I have always warned my kids that addiction to alcohol was in our genes. Maybe I should have listened to my own advice?

      I still have to remain on the medication because there is no other medication or treatments that I have tried that work.

      I am no longer fully blaming the medication, I am realizing that I have to take full responsibility for my actions. Accept that I am a better person than what I have become.

      Congratulations on your 122 days gamble free!!!! That is a huge accomplishment.
      I look forward to everyday when I can wake up and say I made it another day!!!!

    • #153561
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I wish I could sit and write positivity all the time and show that that everything’s all sunshine and roses but unfortunately recovery isn’t like that. I’m less interested in portraying an image of being a fully healed person because I dont think I ever will be. Being human in general is a never ending job of healing. I much rather show that I struggle alot to,but it’s how I get through those struggles that really matter. Especially as a recovering addict. At the end of the day as I qoute one of my favorite addiction specialists ” addiction is just a response to human suffering.” -Gabor Mate.

      So as of right this moment I’ve cried 3 times since I got home. Why? Because I lost the love of my life not just recently from my addiction but I lost him years ago the day he and I jumped out of an airplane thinking we were having an amazing life experience. I came down he did not. It was a skydiving accident. That moment of sitting there on the ground waiting for him to come down was the worst feeling I’ve ever had. When I found out he was alive, just in alot of danger up in the trees I had some relief. What I didn’t realize was he would never be the same man ever again. His bones healed but his brain didn’t. For the last 4 years I got bombarded with life circumstances so I never had a chance to grieve the fact that he was gone. My friend told me the other day that it’s time I probably fully let him go as he’s not the same person I fell in love with and never will be. No brain specialist will ever be able to correct that. I sat with that thought all week trying to figure out if she was right. Losing that connection to someone is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I’ve struggled with connection to people since I was a kid. He was the first person I truly let my guard down with. He was my safe place but eventually became someone I feared. He still is a good man in some ways but he truthfully terrifies me now with the repercussions of his brain injury. I’m writing this out because I dont want to suppress how I feel today. I don’t want to end up in some cycle of trying to numb out what I’m feeling. Even though I’m getting better at living alone I still feel the sadness off walking in the door and he’s not there everyday. My addiction may be his reason for walking away but I mentally left years ago and he new it because I was fully checked out and sometimes afraid of him. This may not be a gambling issue but its a life issue and it’s a ugly part of recovery that most people want to avoid. The uncomfortable pain of grief and loss of connection. Why I vent my uncomfortable shit out is because it allows me to heal in this moment so that I don’t go and find some addiciton to go and hide behind so I dont have to feel. This is how you heal in recovery, you have to let this stuff out no matter how embarrassing or annoying you feel you are. I’m grateful that I have this opportunity to write because writing is like therapy for me. I’m also grateful for the stepwork I’m doing as I did some last night with my sponsor and it really helped me let some major things out.

    • #153635
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Yesterday I had my counseling session. And he asked if I’ve thought about gambling since I stopped. The weird thing is I haven’t. There was a few times in the beginning when I first quit where gambling was more recognizable everywhere kind of like when you buy a new car and start seeing the same one everywhere you go. What I mean is my ears would perk up hearing people talk about sports betting even though that wasnt my thing, or watching friends buy lottery tickets, and even just being more alert seeing the ads all over tv. I quit around Christmas time and i was sitting at my exs sisters and every second commercial was a gambling commercial I was like wtf is going on here. When I think about when I was gambling it was weird being in that compulsive place where I just could not stop but almost immediately the moment I decided to change I really flipped the off button in my brain. It definitely helped that I pushed really hard to resolve why I was gambling in the first place. But also cutting those ties with being roped in by the casinos. Those asshole feed off vulnerable people. I’ve wrote about it before how they actually employ psychology based professionals to analyze the behaviors of there players and how to get them to continue playing. Because I was so emotionally broken in that period I literally was a walking bullseye. When the brain is that depressed it does some messed up shit to try and find those happy chemicals. I still have alot of work to do in my therapy and I’m definitely trying my best. Every week I go to my session and do my stepwork with my sponsor to. My life is getting better slowly and there definitely are good and bad days but thats just part of being human. I’m just learning still how to deal with my feelings and emotions. I hate crying I feel like a wimp everytime I do it. Yesterday during the processing part of my emdr I started balling my eyes out and I got mad and said to my counselor why the f*ck did the creator decide to make us “leak” from our eyes its so retarded. Lol I was instantly defensive to being that vulnerable. I was doing processing about my last post and losing my partner to his brain injury. I got angry and deflected immediately saying imagine being severed from your wife and losing that connection and how painful it is. I dont even no why I said that I was just trying to make him understand how much pain I was in with that moment. It definitely made me realize how much connection to another human being signifies. It’s the reason I avoided it all my life. I never wanted to experience this form of pain ever again. The day my mom died when I was 11 was the day I decided I’d never let myself get close to people again. I had that connection with my grandma though and when she died about 4 years ago now that’s when I started going down hill mentally. She was the only person who could hug me and I would reciprocate without being a cardboard cutout. I flinch everytime someone tried but her. I no why I do this its related to my CPTSD from past physical traumas mostly and not trusting anyone in my bubble. I got alot of work to do thats all I no. Recovery is exhausting.

    • #153697
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I started reading something this morning that was talking about how recovering addicts always try to stay so busy. I laughed because everyone I’ve met in the last 10 years through recovery can’t sit still and when they do they feel guilty and on edge. You no those lazy Sunday mornings that are for rest but something inside of you is jabbing you to get moving. That’s kinda of me right this minute my brains already giving myself shit for resting a bit. The article I was reading discussed how the typical go to the gym and doing lots of activities is fine but it’s not healthy to be in constant avoidance. The answer that I always see refers to finding a spirtual awakening. But what I really liked is is said finding an emotional regulation. For those that don’t understand that a spirtual awakening isn’t necessarily a sense of finding yourself as a full blown Buddhist monk, or being stuck by some spirtual lightening, or something to that degree, it literally is just being able to be in a peaceful place.Which requires the ability to get ahold of your emotional wellbeing. That’s the part that I’m in the middle of right now. When I was 24 that’s when I first quit my addiction to drugs and alcohol I managed to somehow get to a good place physcially,mentally, and a bit spirtualy but not emotionally that was my last step. Those first two took a few years. I had to leave my relationship with my bf I got sober with, I had to find people in recovery to connect with. I worked with a natropath that taught me alot about hypnosis and meditation. I started finding a sense of self. My problem is I reached this halfass good place but then I jumped back into relationships super fast because I hated being alone. I may have mentally got better but I hadn’t done the major psychological rehaul I needed like I’m doing this time around. I was young and had to learn the hard way I guess. I had done countless sets of steps on my life traumas that caused my emotional instability but it never got really healed. It takes alot more work than just bringing it to the surface. I wish I would of understood this more back in those days. I wish that the broken part of me wanting to be cared for could of just waited for another partner when I was well enough but I just hated being with myself that much. There is an insane amount of truth about healing the broken parts of yourself before you let someone into your chaos. Unfortunately that fidgety avoidance brain us addicts have is always looking to avoid so we look to the “love chemical”,especially women. I remember watching everyone of my girl friends I met in recovery fall off the wagon for some dude. I did the same frigging thing I lost myself to a man not being able to fill that broken void in me. Man that sucks to say but it’s a realization and I’m glad I’ve had. It’s always us strong,independent looking types that try to avoid seeing this behavior. We have this I don’t need nobody bs attitude but deep down that’s a load of crap. That mentality is just a toxic survival trait someone like me creates in my mind to try and show people im not going to be vulnerable on the outside, well really im crumbling into a million pieces internally. I’m still younger and no I have so much for to learn. I feel I’m coming along though and I’m glad I didn’t shy away from therapy because that avoidance would of continued me on a cycle of addiction. It may not be substances,or gambling but I would of found something else to get my dopamine hits from. I’m not going to lie being uncomfortable, and going through this ” emotional regulation” process f*cking sucks. But it’s necessary and some people never get to this point in life so im really grateful and lucky to have this strength to do this for MYSELF.

    • #153637
      sammy24
      Participant

      hi everyone. I think i have a gambling problem. i’ve lost a lot of money since january 2022. Now i’m in debt, i used money kept in my care to gamble hoping to win and settle my debt then replace it back only to lose that as well. i feel ashamed and i dont know how to face my family. i fear no one will take me seriously anymore

    • #153979
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks for what you said Kin. Recovery is about what you put into it that’s for sure. Some days are insanely hard because emotions like to run rampant for someone like myself. I’ve been through alot of things in my life. To be honest the bad outways the good but I’m hoping with me pushing so hard to get myself healed from complex PTSD I will start having a better life and attract more positive experiences. Unfortunately when people have been extremely traumatized like myself unconsciously we attract the same cycles but I’m trying to break that now. Every addiction I’ve had was trying to mask the pain I was in. I’m still in pain but I’m better than I was. I’m facing things instead of running away from it. Playing victim to my life circumstances isn’t serving me any purpose, and it just keeps leading me to this self destructing place. When I was young I wanted to be a professional dancer (not a stripper to clarify lol). But I ruined that opportunity do to my lack of confidence and partying antics. I mention this because I took alot of wrong turns trying to run from myself. I have accomplished goals like going to college 3 times but I’m never settled. I always want to no more or learn different things because I get bored in my careers. I never thought I’d be a sheet metal/metal fabricator but here I am lol. I got the opportunity to run my companys shop now for awhile which is a huge step for me. I’m the only female in my company and the only female journeymen they’ve ever had so its pretty crazy for me to think about. The fact that I got my ticket during the early days of my gambling recovery amazes the crap out of me. But my brains already wanting a career change lol. Now I’m thinking of learning more trades just to be more well rounded. My goal is to get my automotive ticket as well. Ive wanted to build custom cars from the ground up since I was a little girl. Hopefully now that my heads clear I can do that before my body decides it hates hard labor. 4 years ago I was a careaid, and a mental health worker it blows my mind that I did a 360 to a man’s world career but it was a challenge. I almost gave up during my gambling stint in my current career because I was so depressed all the time and I get abused alot at work so I couldn’t deal with anything. But now I handle my triggers better so its easier dealing with a crazy old man that screams and belittles all day. I’m just grateful for the opportunities I have now and the goals in my recovery and my professional life.

    • #154098
      jvr3419
      Participant

      “There is a steep price to pay for addiction. You may put on or lose weight, experience health problems, lose a lot of money, and destroy relationships. But your reasoning may be that nothing made you feel happy in the past anyway, and, at least for a short time, your addiction does”. This just popped up in something I was reading and I couldn’t help but feel that last sentence so deeply. Literally nothing was making me happy anymore when I started gambling. Even though my times were brief with it they were insanely destructive. The moment I was hooked for the first 2 weeks when I couldn’t stop it was the only thing that made me literally feel anything. And again the same thing when I gambled for 2 months straight last year I was so fd up emotionally and wanted to not be here anymore that gambling was the only thing that made me feel anything at all. That’s why I got so hooked I don’t even think I felt happy per say gambling I just felt high as a kite which at that time was better than the feelings of pain and internal emotional suffering that was going on for me. I told my counselor that I think I would of honestly offed myself if I hadn’t been gambling for those 2 months it may have sickly saved my life but it also destroyed what life I did have at the same time. The hardest part for me is I did seek professional help but I had an extremely bad psychologist who dismissed me. She just wanted her 90 bucks a session but she was unwilling to help me with my trauma. I still dont understand why. But not my problem to think about now. The fact that I was trying to get help tells me something inside of me was still fighting. The problem was the addiction got to strong and overtook what little willpower I had left. The last day I gambled I sat inside a bathroom on the floor of my exs sisters house contemplating drowning myself in the bathtub. The only thing that saved me in that moment was the little girls(exs neices) in the house were yelling my name to come play with them they opened the door and my dog came running in licking my face. Those kids and dog saved my life that day. That moment changed me for good. Seeing those kids so innocent and happy to want to play and my dog running to me like I was his everything made me pick my ass up and realize I had to keep fighting for myself. Yes I lost my relationship but it was doomed already so it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I’m getting a second chance at life. I’ve made a promise to myself that I deserve good things and I deserve a happy life so I gotta put that work in to make it happen.

    • #154278
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today usually is a triggering and upsetting day for me just because of what it symbolizes but I chose to make it easier on myself and not go to a bad place with it. Yesterday I made a day of giving back to people. I got my aunt flowers to show her she’s appreciated even if we conflict with each other. She had a big dinner for her careaid and handymans family so I went and managed to sit with 20 strangers and forced myself to be vulnerable I have a hard time being around alot of strangers but I did ok. I also spend the day with my best friend and we went and found a stick for me so I can start using my drum my sponsor gifted me. In my culture its called a medicine quest when you go and search for plant medicines. The stick must come from nature to be more meaningful. There is a spirtual element and ceremony type process to getting the stick so it was a good experience and being in nature to. I took my friend for lunch to thank her for being there with me. I also went to a coffee shop and bought some strangers in line coffee just feeling like being nice to people. And then I suprised my dad and stepmom with dinner that I ordered through an app and got it sent to there house where they live. There in a different province than me and I felt like doing something nice for my stepmom. By doing these random acts i felt like it was a good way to get out of myself. I’ve always been giving to others and it’s always made me feel better. I have the money now to do it so why not. I’ve saved alot of money since I quit gambling so what I do have I want to share more. I wish that I would of did that with the money I lost gambling but thats in the past now. I did my stepwork on Friday night with my sponsor and I had some really profound moments doing it. Because the steps I’m doing are different this time I get to learn more teachings and things I’ve lost about myself that pertain to ny culture. I’m really enjoying them and there showing better values that I need in my life. There was a column in one of the readings that discussed what trational native values used to be vs the European influenced values. And one of those comparisons was non materialism vs the European value which was being materialistic. I said to ny sponsor that gambling was never about money for me at all. I actually didn’t want all the money I did have that’s probably why I’m giving what I have away now so freely. I don’t need alot of stuff in my life. I don’t need alot of money either I could care less as long as I have what I need to survive I’m ok. When I really think about it gambling was more like an extremely expensive video game to me. The escape and reward system that was activated in my head was what made me become addicted. I also learned that there is a part of the brain that gets hyperactivated during gambling that creates distorted thinking process. This leads us to see patterns in random sequneces and continues us gambling. I’ve been told that women tend to lean to gambling more for the emotional escape like I feel I did. Anyways today I’m grateful for my new recovery journey. And I’m grateful for the new people im meeting and allowing myself to be seen by.

    • #154279
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      hi JVR,
      enjoyed reading your post, happy for you. keep it up you are doing really well.

    • #153638
      sammy24
      Participant

      hi, i have a gambling problem. i’ve lost a lot of money since January 2022 and now i am in debt. Yesterday, i used money placed in my care to bet hoping to cover the debt and put back the money in my care but i lost it all. so now i have to face the person who kept money in my care which will lead to my family finding out and i dread facing them as i have brought them shame in the past. i need help

    • #154313
      brenda01
      Participant

      Jvr3419 you made me smile today. You are inspiring! Thank you and keep up the great work!

    • #154560
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi sammy24 sorry I just saw your post on my thread I hope that you were able to get open and honest with the person you were dealing with. I no its a hard process but once that can of worms is open it starts the healing process.

      I haven’t had much to say the last few days as I’m doing ok right now. I’m doing my stepwork tonight with my sponsor. I saw my counselor on Monday so im pretty clear headed right now. I booked a 5 day vacation for June to use up my flights that I had to cancel from getting covid so I have something to look forward to now. I’m taking charge of my shop in a few days so I’ll have less stress at work from my grumpy boss being around other than trying to fufill a major workload. I got to weld all day today so I was by myself and got to relax a bit so it was nice. I didn’t go to any negative places with my thoughts sometimes I tend to wander when welding but I was more concentrated which isn’t normal for me. Thats a good sign I like that my brain is able to not be so depressed and jumping from a million different thoughts. Whatever I’m doing is working I’m more peaceful which is really nice. I’m at 140 days gamble free so thats a great feeling to. I have alot to be grateful for today.

      • This reply was modified 2 years ago by jvr3419.
    • #154864
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I’m super exhausted I’m trying to do more than I’m capable of. I can’t get any help at work because we don’t have the man power and everything I’m working on is super heavy metal thats alot of physical work. Now that I’m In a foreman position I’m expected to take on everything and that’s fine but sometimes we need help but there’s just not enough skilled workers where I live. Im super strong and capable but im still a woman and my muscle strength isnt that of a guy and I no that, but I hold my own as long as I can.I can’t get any help working on my cottage either as everyone I no is struggling working to much and tired so I’m stuck doing everything myself. I’m trying to do repairs and paint the cottage I’m moving into which has become a nightmare since the last tenant destroyed it. I dropped to my knees about an hour ago trying to prime one of the rooms for painting I’m so physically spent I was about to get sick. I’m pushing myself because I have to have my stuff out of storage by the end of May. The last tenant put up a fight for the last 5 months and still hasn’t removed all the hoarded garbage. I spend 5 days straight removing it to outside. I’m happy that I’m skilled trades wise so I can do things myself but it’s tough. These are the times that I wish I had a guy around to help. I’d ask my ex but he’s being a jerk again and has switched personalitie. We were on good terms but his brain injury makes him turn into different people kind of like dissociative identity disorder. That in itself is exhausting for me to deal with so I’m keeping my distance from him. These are the days that I have to just accept that I’m doing the best I can. And I need to rest or I’m going to be completely useless. Even being physically as fit as I am can fail when I over work myself and I have to just let myself stop to recuperate. Having an addict brain makes it hard to just rest especially when I no I got 5 million things to do but I have to practice my spirtual principles to calm my mind down. When I used to get overwhelmed and exhausted like this it made me want to gamble in the past. I don’t feel that way now but I still feel I need to talk about what’s going on with myself so that in an off moment my brain doesn’t go to those thoughts. One day at a time.

    • #154807
      nkalei79
      Participant

      I literally read every single post on this thread & I can only hope that I can be as strong as you @Jvr3419! My husband has forgiven me since I confessed to him about my addiction & how bad our finances are. Sad part is I gambled away my paycheck earlier today online. I just installed blockers and wish I had done that earlier. I have yet to tell him about the money from today. I’m sitting here thinking about another lie just to get by until next payday. At some point, he won’t forgive me and that’s when I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ve been listening to podcasts and YouTube videos about gambling addiction. I know it’s weird to say but I find some peace in knowing I am not alone because I can tell you that it defintely feels that way everyday. I am constantly thinking about this and it makes me depressed. My thoughts are focused on how I am going to stop completely. I don’t trust myself with money. I need to give my husband full control of the money that comes in. I am lost and wandering in a place thag is unfamiliar & I’m afraid.

    • #155081
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi nkalei79 thanks for your message and for being able to get through my novel posts lol. I no things are scarey in the beginning of recovery its only natural to be afraid of what the outcome could be from the damage we did. Being honest though is the only thing that can set you free from the sick addict part of this problem/disease or whatever you want to call it. Getting some supports is going to be really important for you right now. And keep writing even if it’s hard to be vulnerable it’s important. I’m a prime example of just letting it fly. I don’t hold back because I don’t really care what anyone thinks of me. At first I was embarrassed for my long posts but I realized its not for anyone else but myself so I can heal. Wishing you lots of strength 😊

    • #155339
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks for you kind words Kin.

      I’m not feeling the greatest the last few days. I saw my counselor the other day and I just finished writing out my stepwork last night but I just feel sad. I cried on my way to work today and again when I got home. I have good and bad days like everyone else. I’m struggling alot with being let down by people in my life. Especially when people tell me there here for me then arent. I also found out my general foreman took credit for a welding job I did. I was humiliated that he could do that to me. I’ve had issues with him since the day I met him but he pretends to care about my well being at times. I thought I could trust him as the person that taught me alot of what I no, but for him to tell our entire company that he did something I did was just wrong. I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am and even harder to get respect being female. I’m trying to be understanding that maybe he felt threatened at my abilities. I notice he’s even upset that I can take over his position that he asked me to do while he’s away. He’s 63 and been doing it for 30 plus years. I’m 34 and he’s had an issue with me being a woman since day one yet never wanted to let me go he always found a way to get me back after I’d finish each year I had in school. I just don’t get why someone wouldn’t be proud instead holds a grudge at me for doing better or having the skills to do good in his foreman roll. Maybe it’s an ego thing since that’s been his identity forever. I dont no im just fed up with people treating me like shit all the time. This is partially why I ended up with this addiction in the first place. I was trying to escape all the bullshit let downs from other humans and pain in my life. I want so badly to be able to trust other people but it’s really hard when I keep getting let down all the time. I no the answer lies in connecting to my sprirtual outlet. That’s the stuff I was working on in my stepwork last night. But I’m still human and have emotions I guess im just allowing myself to feel what’s going on around me. My counselor said once I fully heal from my traumas the bullshit that surrounds my life will start to disappear. He explained that he would have constant crap happen to that no one would believe until his traumas resided. Unfortunately I have alot to undo so its going to be a long process but at least I’m trying and I’m not hiding under an addiction anymore so that this stuff will finally stop haunting me and causing me to attract chaos unconsciously.

    • #155426
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks kin for sharing I have read those many moons ago when I was in my early recovery days. I haven’t read any AA literature in along time though. I was more into NA over the last 7 years as I met more people my age in those groups. I’m branching out though trying new recovery tools and programs now though. The book and stepwork I’m doing now are pretty awesome and they follow alot of the general AA principles and values just it has more of my culture and spirtual practices involved which is what I needed. The one I’m doing is called the red road to wellbriety it focuses alot on the medicine wheels methods of healing. It’s been talking alot about the residential school stuff in the last few chapters which have brought up alot of painful stuff for me but I needed to address those things more and get a better understanding of why I am the way I am. Intergenerational trauma is huge where I come from so it was good that the creator brought this stepwork into my life at the right time. Because I’m mostly white I struggled with allowing myself to actually do these steps I felt like I didn’t have the right to. But I grew up in an all native family on reserves the only thing I no is the beliefs and culture I was brought up with. I was a repercussion from those traumas inflicted on my family I’m part of that generational bs that happened so I no that I have every right to practice those steps because ive lived through all of what it talks about. That’s how brainwashed society has made people like me though that just because I’m not brown I felt that I didn’t have any rights. I was always someone that felt stuck in the middle and didn’t no where I belonged. Years ago I moved onto a reserve that was not my families band but my exs family. I was running one day and someone stopped and told me I didn’t belong there. I sat own on the ground and sobbed because my entire life I felt like that. I wasn’t dark enough to be accepted by my own culture alot of the time and living in general society I felt uncomfortable because I couldn’t practice my culture without people making fun of me smudging or doing my cultural practices. I’ve always felt really lost. But for the first time I’m allowing myself to finally feel this shit and doing these steps is teaching me that I’m accepted. I just have to be an example and teach others the lessons and values that I’m learning to.

    • #155741
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I forget sometimes that even after I leave my counselor, or finishing doing my stepwork, that whatever I’m working on still is processing. Healing from addiction and trauma is a long and exhausting process. I can’t even go grocery shopping without needing to run through the store because all the people give me such bad anxiety. Monday was a holiday here so the day I went to do my shop the stores were jam packed. I ended up crying in my car because it was so difficult for me to be in the store. It’s embarrassing that I get that overwhelmed but it’s a reality of mine. My counselor is trying to teach me to calm my mind and body down because of my cptsd I’m in high alert all the time. Everything I do is fast which makes me a really good worker but I end up burned out constantly because I don’t stop to slow down enough. In my general life being in high alert like I am all the time makes me tired to. Because I’m still doing alot of trauma processing everything is alot for me. People especially are alot but I force myself to have interactions with my close friends,and talk to friends everyday afterwork. Having patience with this whole process of healing is the best thing I can do for myself. I’m grateful for my counselor, sponsor, and friends for getting me through my rough days.

    • #155817
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I saw this qoute this morning that I wanted to remember for my future to look back on here. “To be honest spiritual growth is messy,very damn messy. Im not going to sugar coat it for you. It’s a process of destruction, a dismantiling of yourself. A place of rebirth.

      Something for me to be reminded of through all the tears and discomfort that’s its all part of the process of healing and finding a better spirtual path for my life and recovery.

    • #156051
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I had a bit of an irony moment last night. I was trying to set up a storage shed I bought as I needed to be out of my rented storage unit today and my cottage renos aren’t done. As I was setting the tent storage up the wind picked up it was blowing over everything I would put up I spend an hour getting everything set up for it to blow over and rip the covers off that I couldn’t run around fast enough to secure. Lol I’m laughing at myself now because it was funny but not at the time. It’s irony for me because I was trying to do this after work when I was extremely exhausted and hadn’t eaten all day. I got angry through everything on the ground and walked away. I woke up super early my brain clicked in because I wasn’t so tired and I had the thing put up in 20 mins because my inner metal worker screwed all the poles togeather instead of waiting for them to fall apart again lol. I guess the irony for me was that I needed to just not try to rush I should of waited till morning when there wasn’t a frigging wind storm. But that’s just how I am I want everything done fast as I have so much other crap to do. It was a good moment for me to learn from that I have to stop pushing myself so much. I keep saying that I’m going to slow down but it’s a really hard lesson to learn when your a single female trying to do everything yourself. If I didn’t work in an extremely physical job all the renos,moving,fixing stuff wouldn’t be so hard but my body just gets beat down everyday. I used to give my ex crap because he was so ADHD running around killing himself at work being in trades to then come home and do 50 things at our old house then be dead to the world crying about how tired he was. Now thats me lol. Maybe being in the trades for so long I’ve started taking on a guy persona. My apprentice said the other day to me to get some burns looked at from a welding mishap He said, “don’t be like a man and ignore it”. I laughed because ive broken my finger at work and kept working through the day still not caring. I no that I have to start looking after myself better especially my body. I may be 34 but I’m going to start feeling like I’m 100 if I don’t give myself time to recoup. Part of being healthy includes your mind, body, and soul. I’m working on my mind with counseling and doing my recovery steps,and having a sponsor. I’m doing work on my soul/spirtuality through my stepwork and practicing my culture,beliefs, meditation ect. But my body that needs work. I exercise like crazy because I’m in trades and don’t ever stop doing physical crap. I do two long walks a day to because i have a dog and go on hikes most weekends and im into extreme sports when I can get time. I eat healthy as I’m a vegetarian. But I don’t let my body rest enough and that is something I need to force myself to do. Recovery isn’t just about trying not to compulsively do the addictive behavior anymore its about trying to live a healthy well rounded life. That’s the part that’s hard is to learn how to accomplish that to stay in a healthy place all around. I guess that’s why I share about where I’m at now because even after the “using” stops the part of being a healthy recovering addict takes work like achieving emotional sobriety and staying out of the term called a dry drunk. This doesnt just pertain to an alcoholic its just a name for an unhealthy recoverying addict. So it can be messy but there’s solutions to get balanced but it certainly does not happen overnight.

    • #156261
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m waiting for my counseling appointment and I just got a call that looked like a local number. I answered it and it was a casino trying to offer me a package of some sort to play. I just hung up and didn’t bat an eyelash about it. The old me would of wanted to yell at the person tell him off for phoning me and all that jazz but I didn’t. My thought process was well this is the guys job and he’s gotta eat to so whatever. I didn’t take the bait I hung up and proceeded with my errands. I have no thoughts of gambling at all if anything I’m motivated as hell to keep saving money. I don’t like to think in terms of dollars and cents anymore but since I quit gambling a little under 6 months ago I’ve saved over 20 grand. I’m proud of that because now I’m treating money with respect. Before I hated it because of what it does to people. I hated it because that’s all people ever wanted from me. I hated it because I always felt that’s the only thing people care about and I see how stressed and depressed everyone in my life is over it. But now I have learned for myself to treat it like it’s a gift for my life. It’s something I need for my survival and I work my ass off for it literally. So now I’m treating it like a little baby tucking it away in its blanket in a savings account. I’ve learned money management skills for myself and created a plan for myself to stay accountable of where it all goes and what for every month. I was like this 2 years ago before my gambling mishaps started. Now that I’m working a program again I’m becoming myself again and I see the progress.

    • #156307
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      Hi JVR,
      actually, you are more patient than me when I get a call from a forex broker or an online trading company I start shouting at them. a lot of people have lost their life savings because of such companies, they can put limits on trading leverage and that alone will reduce its addictive nature, but no!! some of them offer insane leverage reach to 1:888.

      congrats on your recovery as you mentioned you reached almost 6 months free of gambling. try to protect your money, consider the worst-case scenario if you relapsed you will back to zero so keep part of your saving as a safety net protected away from your access.
      wish you all the best.

    • #156370
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey darkenergy thanks for your comment. I feel that frustration when you described the company’s. Unfortunately the whole world is like that at the end of the day. Everybody and every company is just trying to make a buck. How they do it isn’t always right but we also get the choice of what we do with our cash to. I think that’s why I’ve reached that acceptance and surrender part. I can be hurt,angry, and every emotion that comes with the fact that I gambled my life away but I have to be the one to acknowledge that I did that. The casinos may pray on the vulnerable but I didnt have to do it either. I made that choice and got addicted so the only person I should be pissed at is myself. But I’ve forgiven myself to some degree to in order to not fall trap to self pitty and anger anymore. I have my days where I’m sad and depressed to shit because I ended up addicted to something again. But I also realize im a human that was in alot of pain and made a huge life altering mistake but I get to come out better on the other side. Having this addiction forced me to heal things about myself that I never wanted to. It forced me to let go of control, and surrender so that I can be more understanding and have a sense of peace for once in my life. At the end of the day we all just want to feel safe and secure in life.

    • #156599
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi Kin thanks for dropping a line and feeling like you can read my posts lol. I hope your doing ok these days. Recovery is a tough process especially when your going through general life crap. I’m glad that you have a strong spirtual outlet alot of people don’t understand that concept and how important it is for a healthy and happy recovery.

      Today I had this weird moment of thought how I never was alone before so I’m still learning how to just live and function independently. Just doing basic tasks like shopping is hard because my ex always took control of that.My ex was 13 years older than me and sometimes treated me like a child and would take control in alot of situations. I didn’t realize it till last weekend when I needed his help moving. Right away he began taking control of everything we were doing anytime I chimed in with ideas how to move things or how to do something he’d disagree. Then I’d become silent and almost zombie like. I’m a take initiative person naturally but I realized he made me afraid so I step back and walk on eggshells for the last 4 years since he was injured. It was a scarey reality for me that I lost who I was being with him. I’ve only ever been in abusive relationships most of them physical abuse. He was not that type luckily and was never abusive mentally when I met him. Until he hit his head he was the sweetest person I’ve ever known but now I see why I became so afraid of him. It honestly was worse being with him and not knowing when he was going to snap rather than being with my predictable exes in the past that I new would hit me or throw me down the stairs. I even had one try to kill me with a knife when he was drunk and strangle me. But nothing scares me more than someone who loses there temper who is usually calm. He started throwing things and yelling and spitting in my face and breaking stuff. He never raised his voice once in the first 3 years we were togeather but when he gets angry now it’s terrifying. His brain injury did something to him that’s really sad. I think I’m still trying to recover from the abuse in my relationships not just from my other traumas from growing up. I’m honestly scared to ever meet anyone again at this point. I don’t want to end up in any addiction ever again and try to self medicate myself so I’m really dedicated to healing everything till I feel safe within myself. I need to be stronger and not full of fear to be with another human. My counselor told me which I already new that I’ll keep attracting chaos till I’m fully healed. Unfortunately people like me who’ve only known abuse unconsciously seek it out or are a target for those type of people. That’s probably why this last relationship is so hard for me to heal and let go of because he wasn’t that person before it changed because of an accident. Life can be a real bitch sometimes and unfair. It’s scarey that life altering trauma can bring us humans to become addicts. But I guess the positive part is that we can heal from the addiction and grow as people. Mistakes happen for a reason and not dealing with what gets us to that point of escape is what causes relapse. I have to keep figuring out all my triggers,insecurities,and fears so that I never end up back to gambling,drinking,using drugs,or with an eating disorder, or even in another codependency type relationship romantically and platonically. I got a good list going there but at least I’m not doing any of them anymore so thats progress.

    • #156727
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I had a rough day yesterday. My ex had come to help me move my trailer to my new place. And afterwards he told me he can’t help me with stuff anymore. He told me he’s become extremely suicidal and everytime he leaves from helping me he gets more depressed. It was hard to here him speak like that as he’s never been suicidal or talked in that way. I felt horrible for him but at the same time I had to realize I can’t fix or help him anymore its on him. I was grateful for his help the last few months but I could tell he wanted to be back together and was conflicted. I have to find other people who can help me which is really hard as nobody is reliable when I ask them for help but him. Anyways im just trying to hold myself together today the best I can and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

    • #156966
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m really grateful right now for the work I’ve done in my therapy as its made things alot easier for me to handle. My counselor told me anyone else who’s going through the majority of what I am right now usually ends up in the psych ward. Especially if it’s pertaining to abandonment. He explained that the EMDR is what’s helped me. I do feel I should be worse than I am. I’ve just reached a level of acceptance in my life where I can literally just say it is what it is to everything. I have bad days alot but they don’t last long. I make sure to get up and go for my walk every morning rain or shine before work at 530am just to clear my head. And at night before bed, I do my walk and I’ve been doing meditation practices. I taught myself hypnosis and deep meditation years ago when I wrote papers on the benefits of hypnosis and meditation for PTSD. I stopped doing that stuff the last few years. I feel that it’s really helping me stay more emotionally balanced. I may feel sad but thats to be expected as someone who’s technically in a form of “morning” from a loss of a major relationship. If I didn’t feel anything then I’d be concerned about my emotional sobriety. One of my best friends just told me she ended her relationship with a guy she was seeing. And as much as I feel sad for her I was glad to because now we get to have the single life together and have the girly adventures we deserve. It doesn’t happen to often where two friends are single at the same time in my age range so I’m taking advantage of it and planing us some exciting things to do this summer. That to me is the best form of healing is getting those bonds with your bestfriends and just living life to its fullest. I’ve spent so much time in the last 2 years depressed and not wanting to live life that I’m finally feeling like myself again. I’ve planned trips to the mountains to go hiking in the glaciers and float down the rivers, and concerts in other cities, and day trips to explore the beautiful island I live on. Im hoping to take a good trip up to my favorite spot to go surfing again soon as I got my board and wet suit out of my storage unit now. I’m just excited to live again I’m so glad this horrible addiction is out of mind now so that I’m focused on the important things for myself now. Recovery is painful as hell but it’s so worth it when you get through the darker side of it. It does get better.

    • #157092
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I hear ya kin complacency is the worst place to reach. I never would of thought I’d do what I did either but here I am. As hard as this addiction was for me to have and go through I’m glad it happened. It forced me to see that I can never let my guard down to being an addict. It also made me work on myself more in depth this time. I’m so incredibly grateful that I have a second chance in life. Gambling may have made me lose money, but it almost made me lose who I am as a person completely. I’m glad my times were brief with gambling because I dont no if I would of been able to find myself again. I’m buy myself alot now and it’s hard but it’s also drama free which is so peaceful. The only drama that can be created is in my head and I’m trying everything I can to not stir crap up for myself. I’ve let go of needing to control my environment and had to say to myself if stuff doesn’t get done then it doesn’t get done and move on. That’s incredibly hard for me to surrender but it’s necessary in order for me to stay calm and collected in my life.

    • #157473
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I dont have much to say these days I’m doing pretty well for the most part. I’m taking some self care days for myself this weekend. I booked myself into a spa and I’m doing a cleanse right now so I’m feeling really well. I keep getting gambling emails even after I’m asked many times to be off the mailing lists but not much I can do about it but delete them. I don’t feel triggered at all I just get annoyed by them spaming me with them that’s all. I managed to save some more money this month to so thats a positive as well. I’m doing pretty well with finances and keeping myself going so I’m happy in that area. I believe I’m past my 6 months now so thats a good feeling. I’ll set my next goal to 8 months and keep trucking along.

    • #157481
      risingphoenix
      Participant

      Congrats on the 6 months. Stay strong my friend.

      One day at a time!

    • #157580
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Yes gratitude lists are a good thing to continue. I’m grateful for taking this weekend for selfcare. I did a spa day and at the hairdresser today. I’m thankful that my cottage is almost done I’m laying all the floors and finishing the painting it’s nice to see the progress I’ve made. I’m grateful I get my vacation next week to see some family. I’m learning to be ok with my own company. I talked to my dad for father’s day and he asked if I was seeing anyone. I almost started crying but I straightened my crown per say and said nope I’m fine by myself. I do all my own trade related repairs myself, lift heavy crap myself, and make my own money I don’t need anyone. He laughed at me and said that’s my girl keep doing what you can and learn as much as you can to be independent. I’m definitely trying and that’s all I can is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

    • #157696
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks kin it definitely hasn’t been easy for me. I’m sorry to hear your mom’s struggling I was a careaid for 10 years looking after mostly elderly like that. Plus the care I did with my uncle and grandma its tough to watch that’s for sure. Just remeber to have caregiver time off or respite it’s called it’s important for your own mental health.

      I had a rough day yesterday evening as my ex has now started trying to come after my money. I felt absolutely betrayed it turns out he was a gold digger looking to try and clean me out. I guess gambling ended up saving me from his antics which is messed up to say. That money I lost he was planning on taking when I bought a house with his name on the title. He didn’t have any money to put down. My stepmom tried to warn me last year he was showing signs of being after my money but neither of us were sure. He put on a good act. But he blantly wrote me telling me he needs my money and I owe him and blah blah blah. I already gave him money when I sold my house since he helped me repair it ect. I felt completely blind sided yesterday. I spend 7 years with a liar. Maybe he wasn’t at first until he hit his head but I dont actually no. I asked him several times if he was after my money the last few months and he denied it. But now that we completely cut ties he’s dead broke and his desperation is trying to come after me. I’m not gonna let him break me. I had some dark thoughts not about gambling or anything of that sort just flashbacks to my party days. I guess that betrayal just struck my last trust nerve in humans I had left. I’m definitely completely broken hearted and feel like my life’s been one big piece of shit after another but I’m not going fall flat on my face for this crap. I’m stronger than that and I will get through this rough patch. There is no way I’m going backwards for a man that’s for sure. I lost who i was once I’m not going to do it again.

    • #157737
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’ll be ok Kin ive worked to hard on myself to fall backwards over this situation. I’ve talked to my sponsor,my friends, my family. I’m seeing my councilor today, doing stepwork tomorrow. I definitely will not relapse for that POS. I’ve been through far worse situations to take me out again. This is the thing with recovery were going to go through traumatic situations and how we handle it is extremely important. The trauma counseling I’ve done has made this situation easier for me as I was.prepared for what i think I already new. In the moment I felt every ounce of pain you can but instead of sitting in pain I reached out super fast. I started calling lawyers my friends, family, sponsor. I didn’t leave it to stew I’m just feeling hurt which is going to take some time to overcome. But this time around for my recovery I no what I have to do for myself.

      My friend just posted this qoute that says “teach yourself to heal your pain with an open heart and an open mind, that’s how you heal.

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by jvr3419.
    • #157782
      Don14765
      Participant

      Hello..I’m fairly new to the forum…wanna ask: how is your present sponsor helping you ?
      How did you go about getting a sponsor?
      And yes-you’re right…how we handle stressful situations is very vital…I know
      I still gamble when my tensions run high and
      I’m always upset at myself because i lose all my bets and then I get upset because I’ve lost money as well 🙁

    • #157806
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi Don you meet sponsors through recovery groups. If your new to recovery all around there’s tons of different programs for people ranging from gamblers anonymous to narcotics anonymous and AA the most common, codependency groups ect. The list goes on. In your case you would meet someone to sponsor you through GA gamblers anonymous. In my situation I’ve been in recovery from drugs and alcohol since my early 20s and attended AA and NA I met my sponsor that way. She’s been very versatile with me and has started a different type of steps with me since I’ve done several from different programs over the years. The reason I didn’t do a specific set to GA this time was because my problem was I needed to connect to my culture and spirtuality again so she found me a set that pertain to me and her specificically. Ever sponsor does things differently when they sponsor. I’ve sponsored many girls over the Years in NA. And yes it helps big time its a huge part of having a successful recovery. It keeps you accountable. A sponsor is someone that you choose wisely though I chose mine because she’s a medicine healer and had the spirtuality I wanted in my life. Recovery isn’t always glamorous and sometimes we pick up other addictions like i just did with gambling but as long as you keep trying that important part to getting yourself better all around

    • #157861
      Don14765
      Participant

      JVR: thank you very much for your response! Yes I have had a sponsor before ….but in another 12 step group for yet another addiction that I have .I believe I have 2 , possibly 3 addictions I’m fighting … gambling being the most prevalent at the time

      Thank you for your advice, but I have been to the local GA in my city and I did give it a chance and went to 4 meetings …one of them being an end-of-the-year banquet type deal, and the other 3 were closed meetings…. unfortunately I found them very unhelpful and they did not address my issue of withdrawal symptoms …which I find are pretty powerful sometimes and whenever I have an issue or a problem I seem to always turn to gambling to solve my problems??

      I feel sensitive most times and when people
      Get “under my skin”
      I seem to turn to my addictions
      To help me
      Crazy thinking !
      But I wanna say “thanks “
      For your input and thanks for your suggestions
      I guess I though
      T
      You may have acquired a sponsor through
      This forum?
      My bad 😞

    • #157881
      jvr3419
      Participant

      One other suggestion I have that’s worked for me is I went to a gambling counselor. I found him through a program offered here in Canada. I’m sure that wherever you may live will have some addiction based counselors as well. I firmly believe hes mostly what got me through the early days of the withdrawl faze of gambling. Who new it can be that powerful but it is. I hope that you can find that help for yourself. This forum works for accountability and having other addicts support kind of like the rooms do but it’s definitely not going to be the cure all for this addiction. I had to do multiple things to get me to stop and be able to get me through the hard times without relapsing.

    • #157916
      Don14765
      Participant

      Jvr: thanks so much for your reply
      I appreciate any and all support
      Offered to me…
      I live in Canada too- Ontario region
      Believe it or not

      I attended gambling therapy for a whole year
      When I went to visit my mom one time in the hospital while she was alive, and I noticed they were offering problem gambling help there…
      I had a very good counselor…
      She
      Gave me a lot of good advice
      And said some of the same
      Good things mentioned on this forum…
      The biggest
      Helpful advice she gave me was
      “If you can’t control the amount
      Of money you’re spending on gambling
      Then abstinence is the key to success “

      So now, that you’ve made that suggestion, I am thinking at this point “I must be extremely stubborn”? Why do I keep spending money on this disease when I know that the chances of winning are very difficult? I know that I play a game and I try and guess the patterns of numbers to come up in it ….but so far I haven’t gotten rich trying to guess that?

      I also find that I am not in denial over the fact I have a gambling issue…. I am in denial of how much money I’ve spent and lost at it😒
      Thanks for listening and I hope
      You’re having a GF day

    • #157942
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Addiction is but a symptom. The key is finding out what it is that it’s masking for you. Learning to give up control is the hardest part to finding good recovery. Until one does that the cycle is but an endless merry go round ride.

    • #158066
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today was the best day I’ve had in a really long time. Both gambling and being in a toxic relationship made me loose who i was over the last 2 years. That and covid isolation didn’t help. I went to a ska and reggae music festival for the first time in years and danced harder than I have in along time. Music’s always been a huge part of who I am and I felt like I lost that. I used to DJ and be apart of alot of the club and music festival scene for most of my life.I also found an awesome car show on the way home that I checked out which was also a huge part of my life it was a big part of why I got into sheet metal because I wanted to learn to restore old cars. As I walked around these beautiful cars I almost cried because I finally felt like I’m me again. The time I spend gambling made me feel old and boring as hell. But I’m still in my mid 30s I want to enjoy my life again. I was going to be a professional dancer when I was younger and I lost the confidence to even try going out and doing what i love over these few years. I just let my hair down and did not care if I looked stupid or not. I had people come up to me today and told me they were impressed with my energy and what drug was i on lol. I used to be part of the rave seen when I was younger so I guess I still somewhat dance like that and people assume I use drugs still because of my energy level. But I took it as a compliment more than anything else. If I was still gambling I’d have zero confidence to put myself out there like that again. I’m just happy that I’m letting myself be free and not isolate anymore I have way to much life to experience still.

    • #158263
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m sitting in an airport for the first time since covid started I have to say it makes me feel a bit normal for once. I’m so happy that I have the chance to get away for 5 days and I can actually afford to do it. My life isnt perfect but it has definitely got better for me on the financial front so I can actually live life. I was in this relentless work cycle and doing renovations on my my cottage these last few months I was just feeling burnt out and exhausted. Yesterday I got a surprise from my work to they gave me another raise and owed me some retro pay and tuition so that covers the cost of my trip and they gave me a gas card for completing my journeymen ticket hours so I’m really happy right now. I was able to afford to buy more concert tickets for when I get back to for my bestfriend and I. We both made a pack to start doing more and living life better this summer. We both were really depressed for along time. Not gambling through my breakup and chaotic living situations has made me appreciate things more. The therapy I’ve done every week has changed me for the better. I feel like the recovery I’m doing for myself is really helping me come out of my shell and being a better person. I’m more attentive to others and caring, I’m not stewing in depression, I’m able to get over the tough days alot faster when I have them, and I’m overall just happier. I’m eating super healthy, exercising alot and just overall looking after myself the way I should be. I don’t feel like I’m in an endless pit if despair just surviving which is a huge change for me. I vow to never let myself get back to what I was with gambling or addictive cycles again I will fight tooth and nail to work my recovery so I never end up like that again. It is alot of heavy work spiritually,mentally,physically and everything in between but it’s worth it to be happy. Life is not ment to just be survived its ment to me truly lived and thats what I’m going to do.

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by jvr3419.
    • #158274
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      hi Jvr,
      happy for you, you are doing really well.. keep it up.

    • #158373
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Last night I spend at my brother’s place with my 2 little nieces. I haven’t seen any of my family since covid. I felt like this was the best time for me to be here with those kids because I’m finally myself again. I didn’t have to put on a front to hide my addiction or depression. It was weird traveling and seeing my family without my ex but I’m managing. My sister in law asked me about how I was doing so I said honestly that I’ve been in trauma therapy since December. She said well that’s good you had to hit rock bottom to get there. I hated when she said that but I new it was the truth. She’s having issues with my brothers addictions to drugs and alcohol right now so she’s a bit bitter. I didn’t get into my brother’s stuff with him as I just wanted to spend what time I did have with him positively. We went out 4x4ing for a bit which is something we always had together and worked on his truck a bit. A part of me wants to fix him but I no I cant. He was telling me about just seeing our sister to and how her alcoholism has messed up her brain and her teeth are rotting out. It’s hard for me to here as my stepmom was saying they think my sisters going to die young from her alcoholism. And I no that to it’s just painful to watch my siblings struggling so much. I guess because ive been there with substances when I was younger but also knowing the pain I was in while I was gambling. My heart just explodes knowing they have to feel how I did. We all went through so much in our lives especially when we were growing up and it’s sad to see that as adults we all are still so screwed up. We’ll I’m trying to be better now. I guess all I can do is hope to be an example of recovery for them and show them its possible to get better with ALOT of help and hard work.

    • #158378
      Don14765
      Participant

      JVR: yes…with a lot of support and hard work we can do this ! – it’s been done -some people have some good sobriety 🙂 listening
      To each other and suggesting this or that
      Helps out for sure ….
      I’m sorry to hear your siblings are struggling ….perhaps your example of a good recovery will indeed show them it can
      Be done ….
      Many times I would love to change others’
      Behaviours too…..
      Siblings, co workers , my supervisor…
      Etc
      But yes- all we can do is
      Wish them the best
      And offer help to them….
      And doing the work to get better is
      Ultimately up to them …

    • #158460
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I drove with my dad and stepmom through the Rocky mountains today we had 4 1/2 hours stuck in a car togeather so we were forced to talk about some issues in our lives. For the first time my dad acknowledged things from his addiction when I was a kid and some of the struggles he was going through at that time. I to talked to him about how my substance abuse started with my siblings when we were kids. But I also had to talk about how the gambling started a few years ago. He and my stepmom have been really supportive of me since I quit and even on this trip they’ve been really good with trying to help me heal through my breakup and fighting this addiction. I’ll be honest though I feel like a total loser being an adult child tagging along with my parents but I needed it to. I’m lucky my parents are in there early 60s and super fit. So we’ve been going on hikes to waterfalls all through the rockies and hitting up hotsprings, riding our bikes all over the place it’s been really nice. We stopped to see my brother and kids one more time.My brother took me out wheeling again with his side by side and he latched on to me for dear life before I left,crying. He’s a big redneck man he doesn’t cry. I wanted so badly to stay longer to just be here for him but I have to go back home tomorrow. I already feel a huge empty feeling coming over me as I just have my dog at home. Being alone is a huge trigger for me especially now that I’ve spent time with my family that I have a closeness with. I have to force myself back into my life routine and just keep my head up. This is the hard part of recovery sometimes is trying to fight through the emotional times even when there postive ones. One thing helping me stay positive is I met this women last night who was a refugee staying in a hotel in radium hot springs she was over here alone barely spoke English. Her son was fighting in the war. I watched her sit at a table with this empty sadness to her as you could see she’s lost everything. In that moment I said to myself I have so much to be thankful for in my life my own pain doesn’t even remotely compare to what that woman has experienced. I’m so glad I met her as she taught me such a valuable lesson in what real strength and fight looks like. She made me want to be a better and stronger woman.

    • #158463
      Don14765
      Participant

      JVR: I lost both my parents 4 years ago…
      So yes- cherish your parents and spend time with them when you can….
      You can be grateful for them for sure 🙂
      I am also mostly alone…
      I talk to my siblings occasionally, but we never were a close family…
      I was really close with my Dad…
      So
      Yes- loneliness can be a trigger for me as well

      Sometimes in those cases
      Even though it’s hard I try to
      Tell myself good things about who i am
      -like my memory…
      And my work ethic …etc
      I’m sure there are great qualities about yourself if you look inside
      And search …
      I believe we all have good qualities
      And we are all unique from each other …
      I’m happy you had a good time today
      With your parents 🙂

    • #158492
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thankyou for your comments.

      Yes Don I totally agree we have to find the positive things about ourselves. We aren’t bad people we’ve just had some painful things bring us to this horrible addiction. I’m so thankful everyday that I’m managing to obstain and move forward with my life.

      Kin thankyou for always being a good support through this forum it does help knowing there’s others out there that are on the otherside of the screen that understand what this recovery journey is like.

    • #158635
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’ve been back at home for a few days and back into my work routine. I’d be lying if I said coming home every evening isn’t hard now. Its definitely a struggle for me to be alone again as I thought it would be. My ex creepily texted me the moment I got off the plane asking to go for a walk with me and my dog this week but I didn’t reply. I’m doing much better in not letting him get to me. I haven’t seen him in about 3 or 4 weeks and mentally I’m a much better person. I was explaining to my counselor how I’m afraid to even consider that toxic relationship again as I no I’d end up in some form of addiction again trying to escape it. I’ve had zero gambling thoughts since we broke up. But I had those minor thoughts of when I used to party when he was still in my life. I now no that any form of negative relationship is my trigger point. I need to keep all toxic humans away from myself or at least learn how to better protect myself from them. Unfortunately toxic people are unavoidable in all areas of life but I can teach myself how to not get triggered and emotionally messed up everytime something negative occurs. I figured out alot of my problem is I’m an empath so I absorb people pain and energies and then I’m stuck not knowing what to do with all that inside myself. That’s why I feel a big part of me would soothe myself with addictions. So now I’m trying to channel that stuff into chord cutting through meditations and my spirtual stuff. It’s a work in progress but I’m trying everything I can to not fall into an addiction pattern again.

    • #158663
      Don14765
      Participant

      JVR: yes- you’re
      Right ! We’re not bad people…just
      That the addiction feels like it can provide us with some kind of escape
      From our pain…

      The addiction has brought me nothing but pain
      And aggravation and more
      Broke
      Than I was before ..
      Yes- I would
      Avoid any big triggers such as a toxic/ negative dealing with somebody
      For sure ….
      And I also struggle with loneliness…
      Feelings of
      Inadequacy…
      I once heard an acronym
      That makes total sense
      It is : HALT…
      It says to warn us when we are Hungry, angry , lonely or tired…
      Or a combination of those..
      And to take extra caution
      If we are feeling any of those..,,
      Those 4 things can also be a big trigger

      And possibly cause us a set-back in our recovery…

    • #158736
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey Don yes I no the HALT saying very well. Alot of those things we just have to learn to cope with better find ways to talk ourselves through it. Im really bad with starving myself when I’m stressed plus it’s mixed in with Perfectionism. Since I was a kid I struggled with an eating disorder. I’m not small I’m really physically fit because I’m in trades and active but people would never no I don’t eat much. I had to come clean about starting this pattern a month ago again to my friends, family,and counselor. I ended passing out on my floor at home and it scared me. I’ve started eating again better in the last 2 weeks since then. This is the scarey part with being an addict is the control issues arise is so many different areas. I had to really force myself out of that behavior pattern. I no that my life circumstances contributed to what I did. It was like a form of punishment to myself. I didn’t feel good enough so I started starving myself. I hate that I do this stuff to myself but I’m also glad my recovery is working because if it wasn’t I wouldn’t of caught what my trigger was and stopped the behavior. Just because we stop doing one addiction doesn’t mean that others won’t fester there way in. There’s so many forms out there and they manifest quick. So far I’m doing ok right now and I hope I can now stay that way.

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by jvr3419.
    • #158789
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Ya thats why I won’t allow anyone new into my life right now. It takes to much focus off myself. Because I’m naturally drawn to helping others I have to really force myself to stay more isolated. I do see my friends every weekend but I’m not allowing for romantic relationships. I do have someone who works for my company trying to slither there way in but he just got out of a 11 year relationship around when me and my ex stopped seeing each other again so I’m not allowing anything to occur there. I dont need another heartache from someone not ready just looking to temporary self soothe lonliness. There’s no better recipe for relapse then being super vulnerable and getting involved with the wrong romantic relationships. I feel that my recovery and healing is working because the old me would of just rushed right into the bait and took it. I hated and still do dislike being alone but I no its needed to really get myself healed properly from my addictive patterns and trauma. I’m learning to not be the person that picks up stray dogs to adopt metaphorically speaking. One day at a time

    • #158855
      Don14765
      Participant

      JVR: yes ! Very important to concentrate on getting our life back on track
      And feeling more secure with our own selves…
      I know I lack confidence and probably seek it in others…
      When I get down or feel insulted –
      Usually the addictions(I have more than one )
      Creep in and
      Try to convince me to indulge
      In them…
      I always feel worse after ….
      So I try to avoid letting people or situations bother me …
      And no- you certainly don’t need
      Another toxic relationship
      Ruining your recovery ….

    • #158938
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey ya thats the hardest part is trying to get past the need to soothe the emotions we feel. With time and some good recovery under your belt you’ll lose that need to seek out addictions and find solace In healthier ways. It’s good your keep writing here it shows that your willing to accept the addict part of yourself and that you do in fact need help and guidance to get through it. From what you’ve posted before it sounds like you no what you need to do its just a matter of applying those tools. You got this 👍

      I’m doing pretty good these last few days. I went to another awesome concert and found another car show to venture to. I have a goal one day to build my own hot rod so with time and the money I’m saving I hope to do that once my debts are paid off. I never thought I’d have the confidence to even consider doing it especially now being a single women but if anything it makes me feel a sense of independence. I’m good with metal now that I’m a journeyman( woman to be politically correct) and I grew up working on engines as a kid with my dad and brother. I still get alot of flack when I tell the guys I work with that I’m going to build an old chev from the ground up because well there’s still a stereotype and belittling. My foreman actually laughed at me today and said your lucky your pretty and a hard worker because women don’t last long in this trade. I almost kicked in him in the head for that but I didn’t feel like fighting with his condescending bs. I’m definitely learning to be more calm and not to react to things. I’m also learning to be more kind to myself and find confidence again. I’m just about at 7 months gamble free so it’s definitely paying off in alot of areas of my life being out of that hell mindset.

    • #158941
      risingphoenix
      Participant

      Very glad to hear you’re having a good time staying gamble free! 7 months is awesome 🙂 Looks like both of us are hitting those milestones in lockstep.

      Print a photo of that hot rod you’d like to build and put it on your desk. Would be a great way to keep you focused 😄

    • #159061
      jvr3419
      Participant

      That’s a great idea risingphoenix it makes me want to build a mini version as a art project to keep me motivated thanks for the inspiration 😊.

      Yesterday I had a tough day I came home and my dog was missing. I eventually found him on a lost and found thing on fb but my heart sank as I live in the boonies with bears and cougars. I prayed harder than I ever have before to get him back and I did. My ex contacted me right away though as he was part of the fb group for lost dogs and saw he was missing. I’ve been avoiding all contact with him but my sponsor told me for me and my recovery and for his sake I have to tell him to stop texting me all the time and let me go. So I answered him regarding our dog well now my dog and then proceeded to tell him exactly how I felt and to move on. This is progress for me as I was so angry with him I wanted to never communicate to him again. I had to really talk it out with people to get to that head space and maturity to stop ignoring his messages. I feel like I have alot of growth especially in this situation. The addict/sick part of me would of been an immature ahole and just stayed bent and angry but I had to really let go of my resentment to heal properly. Resentments are the worst thing ever to have as a recovering addict because they keep you stuck and can sometimes take people back out into addiction. If .I could give myself a gold star for how I handled that I would. I’m grateful today for so much ny union handed me my journeyman ticket yesterday framed , I found my dog, i stood up for myself, my place is almost done, I get to run my shop alone this week so its quiet without a screaming old man things are good.

    • #159252
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’ve had a pretty good few days. It was my bday on Thursday and although I spent that day alone I was ok with it. My good friend took me for dinner last night which was super sweet of her. I’ve never celebrated my bday much. There was a few years in my life that friends had little parties for me but I’ve never liked the whole celebration thing for it. This stems from my mom dying around my bday as a kid. She was supposed to have a party for me as I was a child still and she ended up passing suddenly from a drowining accident around that time. My counselor told me since I’m becoming a new me I have to try and maybe celebrate my bday now for myself at least. So going out last night and actually letting someone buy me dinner was huge for me. I never let anyone pay for my stuff. I have a hard time with that as I’ve always felt guilty if anyone does. I’m always the one that pays for everything. So this is huge progress for me. I’m trying really hard to make changes to all areas of my life so that I can have a better life and recovery. I owe it to myself to be happy. I was talking to my sister and a friend of mine from high school the last few days. Both are severe alcoholics that were drunk each time I was on the phone with them. They’re lives are so incredibly chaotic and it made me realize what I could of turned into if I didn’t quit drinking in my early 20s. The gambling was starting to take away who i was to I became way more isolated and depressed. Though I wasn’t hammered or stoned from drugs I was messed up emotionally to the core. I couldn’t even go into stores without being afraid of people. That was covid related to but I was just lost all around. I can finally go shopping now without losing my marbles with full on anxiety. It took me until recently to get to that point. I dont isolate at home much either other than resting when I get home from work during the week. I started reaching out to more of my gfs. I actually didn’t realize how many friends I had till I got single and started making the effort to see people. My relationship took alot of my spare time away so its nice to rekindle old friendships. I made a promise to myself to not let another relationship take that away from me. This weekend I found another car show to go to so I’m going to get out of my comfort zone and ask some strangers about maybe learning restoration techniques from them. That’s gonna be a tough one for me but you don’t learn or get yourself anywhere if you don’t put yourself out there either.

    • #159265
      risingphoenix
      Participant

      A very happy Bday to you! ❤️

    • #159418
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thankyou both for the bday wishes.

      My ahole boss is back from his holiday so no more quiet shop to myself. He didn’t even last 2 mins of me walking through the door without tearing a strip out of me for nothing. I had one eye open still at 630 am just blankly looking at his miserable self going like ok whatever old man not into being screamed at this early. He actually through a tantrum today like a 2 year old would because our field journeyman were still messaging me for stuff. His control issues make me want to work so much harder on myself to never become that miserable in my older age. The good news for me is he’s retiring in 2 months the bad news is this job is his identity so he’s become even more controlling knowing he’s leaving a role of being in charge. He’s afraid and I can see it but he’s taking it out on me. He also doesn’t like that I’m a woman he still hates it but yet he hasn’t let me go in 4 years because when he’s in a good mood tells me I’m valuable and a hard worker. My union told me the other day that nobody can deal with him in our industry so they’re suprised I’ve lasted as long as I have. I had to take a big look at that in itself. Im so used to abuse i don’t no any different. I guess I can handle him because that’s what I’ve been around since I was a kid. It’s familiar, it’s comfortable. When people are calm I’m waiting for them to scream and yell and snap. I thrive from the chaos of his abuse which is really messed up. The difference now is I don’t react I just ignore him mostly. I used to get on my tippy toes and get face to face to him and lose it I made him cry and coware one time in 4 years because I told him he was an abusive miserable old man who’s so insecure he has to belittle others to feel superior. He snapped in the moment but the next day apologized and was crying. The biggest thing for me that I’m trying to learn is pick my battles wisely. Be more spirtual and mindful of how I handle conflicts and difficult people. But also how to stand up for myself appropriately. Being to controlling myself will only fuel and ignite fires with difficult personalities and being that I work with all males with huge tradesman egos I have to tread lightly, but I also have to be tough. I’ve had some guys tell me I get by on my looks and some tell me I get by on my strength and ability to adapt. Because I have a psychology background I feel like I’m in a constant state of psychoanalysis at work more as a form of protection in how to react or what to say at certain times. When I was gambling i only saw red because I was depressed. I couldn’t rationalize or take the time to think about why the people I was around acted the way they did. I just would lose my mind and become defensive to everything that made me feel small. Today I don’t do that I’m so thankful my addiction has been lifted so I can think and act clearer to everyday life.

    • #159616
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi Kin I’m doing ok thanks. Been busy trying to do the last bit of work on my cottage when I get home from work. I’m so close to being fully moved in. It’s been a long road of living the way I have but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. The summers finally hit where I live so its been nice and I’m planning some nice beach trips this weekend so I can relax. I managed to put a bit more money away this week to into my savings so thats nice. I hope to have about 30k saved by the end of the summer thats my goal anyways. I’ve worked hard to put that away the last 7 months. I did decide to splurg and get a new tattoo though. It’s my therapy I usually get new ink every year but I skipped last year. It’s an expensive habit but it’s something I like so why not. Eventually I’ll run out of room lol. Now that I don’t blow my finances gambling I have the ability to do whatever I want for myself within moderation. I’m happy that I’m getting my independence back one day at a time.

    • #159767
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’ve felt a bit of depression the last few days creeping in. I’m trying really hard to not go into it. I’ve been doing my stepwork and made plans with friends. I’ve been doing self care and took my dog into nature for a quiet walk but I’m still feeling a bit off. My stepmom was talking to me the other night and I guess it set off my thoughts about being on my own again. I’m trying everything I can to not feel lonliness. I think it’s just one of those feelings you can’t run from. I guess the thing I have to remeber is it is just that a feeling. Eventually it goes away and I move on with my day. The important thing is that I no how to handle the difficult feelings and emotions. The old me would find something to become addicted to in order to numb out the uncomfortable vulnerability. Today I just have to allow myself to go through the waves of whatever I’m going through like “normal” people do. Being a healthy recovering addict means protecting your emotional sobriety at all costs. Once that slips its game over. That’s how I ended up gambling. So I’m just going to keep doing what I have to do for myself and get through the rough days as well as the good in the best ways I can. I’m going to keep having gratitude everyday. For today I’m happy that I finished the baseboards in my place, I’m glad for my beautiful view of the ocean, I’m happy for the weekend I’m going to have with my bestfriends.

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by jvr3419.
    • #159787
      Don14765
      Participant

      Hi JVR3419: your recent post definitely resonates with me….
      Had a day today when negative feelings
      Crept in- yet I’m keeping myself busy…
      Delivered some food , went to the gym, etc
      Whenever something negative happens
      I always act/ feels like it’s the end of the world?
      There’s always tomorrow
      And yes- you’re right- the bad will
      Come to an end …
      Even though at the time it doesn’t feel
      Like it…..
      Important to make a gratitude list for sure ..
      Very helpful suggestions/ advice ..
      Thanks !

    • #159854
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I spent the last 2 days in the sun sitting on a beach and I feel a million times better than I did a few days ago. Sometimes I get into the f*$& it moods I call them and just feel like I’ve ruined my life in so many ways. I saw this qoute that came out of nowhere and it said, “sometimes you have to forgive yourself for the things you did well you were in survival mode”. That’s something I really have to grasp ahold of when my brain goes into the why did I gamble the way I did. Even though I’ve gone through the grief cycle of why I did what I did and accepted it there is still days I wish I had the financial security I once did so I dont have to fear how am I going to survive on my own. I’m trying the best I can that’s all I no for right now. I just have to keep repeating one day at a time to myself out loud. I can’t live in my future because that creates anxiety and I can’t live in my past because then I get depressed. I have to just keep looking at my every day to day life. I have alot to look forward to this summer. I have plans every weekend and fun adventures planned my life really isn’t that bad accept for missing someone to share it with but I’m learning to share it with platonic relationships not a partner. I wish sometimes I would of had kids to so i could watch them grow up but that wasn’t what my life had planned for me I guess. I’m just trying to keep myself as focused as I can on today and that’s the best thing I can do for myself.

    • #160041
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m doing well today. I feel alot more clear headed I’m heading into a 4 day long weekend so I’m excited for a break. I have lots of things planned. I had a friend in rehab reach out to me. We’ve been friends for 20 years but I cut off ties with her periodically do to her alcoholism. I tried my best to hold my composure talking to her today telling her I miss my bestfriend and hope she’s finds herself again. I told her I’m not perfect either but that I keep removing anything that’s unhealthy from my life so that I can stay on a better recovery path. She always brings up our party days and all the stuff we used to do. I just have to always remind her I’m not that person anymore. Even though my gambling was a few month stint it was enough to make me see who I could turn into again. I was in a dry drunk which is what lead me there. I have to constantly be reminded of how easy it is to get back into that mindset if I don’t practice proper recovery. That means doing 12 steps, and getting help from the necessary people so I dont become controlling, impatient,intolerant, and emotional unstable. Being in a dry drunk looks different for everyone but I’ve seen what it looks like in others so I no right away when I’m in one. As soon as I start trying to white knuckle my recovery and try to control things on my own that’s when I feel the shift in my personality. It takes alot to admit it and see it but I’m glad I have that ability now. I’m grateful today.

    • #160195
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I felt insanely vulnerable. I took my car in for a standard oil change and found out rats have completely eaten my break lines. My dealership wouldn’t let me drive my car which is brand new out of there. I was so angry I had to walk it off and find gratitude that they found it before I got in an accident. And also that the rental car place was across the road so I had wheels right away. I actually broke down to the girl that had to give me the news. I never cry like that to anyone especially a stranger but I was just in a rough spot with feeling like my life’s in shambles already and it just made me feel super uncomfortable. I live really far away from civilization and My car is my lifeline that’s why I bought a brand new one so I’d feel safe on my own. It was a loss of control moment on alot of levels. I ended up picking up my friend to go to the beach after but I was so bent out of shape I could feel myself shift into this f life moment super quick. I realized that being that vulnerable made me feel really weak and scared. There was a solution though I got a car for now, they’re fixing it asap so I’ll probably have it by mid next week. It’s really something I have to just let go and relax about it. It might set me back some cash but I do have money saved for emergencies now since I quit gambling. This type of stuff happens its life. This is even more reason for me to be grateful that I’ve been putting money away for these type of issues. Not having security scares me to death now that I don’t have a double income with my ex. Today I did not have to gamble when I felt stressed and vulnerable. The kicker is the casino is literally 2 steps beside the dealership. I didn’t even bat an eyelash at it or think about it so that made me insanely proud today

    • #160205
      Don14765
      Participant

      JVR: I am happy for you that you have a rental
      Car until your car’s brake lines get fixed…
      And yes-
      At least they caught it before you got into an accident-
      Gratitude on that one for sure…
      I lived with my ex fiancé (she’s now married to someone else)
      For 4 years …
      We had a double income…
      It’s now been 8 years that I’ve lived on my own ….
      You will learn to budget based on one income

      It may require some time to get used to, but I’m sure that you can do it:)

      Kudos to you for having money Saved up for an emergency like the one you faced
      With your car
      Going into the shop..
      And great that you were able to avoid the
      Temptation of the casino nearby…

      It’s indeed tough when
      We have a bad day- emotional…
      Things not going well/right
      But there’s always tomorrow-
      And I find that usually
      Tomorrow is a better day….

    • #160221
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Kin I’m so sorry to read whats going on with you thats horrible timing. I hope that you can rest up and feel better soon. Sending you fast healing vibes from across the pond.

      Thanks for sharing Don it definitely takes time to get used to learning to be independent again for sure. We have the ability to adapt to anything. Everyday is a new learning experience and a test especially for us recovering addicts.

    • #160353
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’ve started moving my stuff into my cottage it feels almost like a victory moment to just look around and have a beautiful home thats mine. Today I’m going couch shopping which feels really cool to because it’s my own choice what I get. I don’t have to be controlled by someone else’s decision on what they want. I spent the day with a gf from my past that I met in early recocery from my substance addictions. We both were in agreement that the NA programs where we live have turned really toxic in our community. It’s a sad reality but nobody especially the women feel safe going to meetings anymore. Alot of us have been trying outside resources now. I still have my sponsor and do step work and I meet people outside of meetings to talk now. It’s an unfortunate thing in small towns but it can happen where the sickness takes over to much and makes people pull back. I’m sad about it because those meetings saved my life 10 years ago but now I leave more frustrated and depressed, anxious when I go to them because of alot of toxic drama going on. I’ve probably spoke to over 25 women who feel unsafe now and that makes me so sad. Those places are supposed to help us feel safe and not alone. I definitely feel angry about it but I’m happy that I’m finding ways to still get the recovery I need in my life and the connection to other recovering people as well. I’m fortunate my bestfriend is in recovery and most of the friends I have are as well or have knowledge of mental health and addictions. There’s a saying you are what you hang with and it’s so true. That was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn in my 20s when I quit substances. The old friends had to go. That’s the weird thing with being a gambling addict though is its a private addiction that you don’t use with other people. But still I make sure to surround myself with only healthy people or at least people trying to self improve because really nobody’s perfect. At my age I find friendships are imparitive to keep me going especially since I don’t have my own family unit or my actual family near by. I need those friendships to survive really. And I honestly much rather have those amazing women in my life and make those relationships last and work than have another partner. A partner is a bonus that can be added as long as its healthy.

    • #160498
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m glad I had my counseling session today because I had a meltdown this morning. I bought a brand new couch and a guy I work with told me 3 times he’d help me move it into my place I gave him 2 weeks notice and kept checking to make sure. He messaged me at 4 am today to tell me can’t. I was livid and angry because I never ask for help from anyone. It just made me feel like something was wrong with me for him to just decide no and who messages someone at 4 am to say that on top of it. It triggered my insecurities big time. This guy has been overly forward in some areas with me over the last few weeks but it made zero sense to me why he’d just say no after confirming he’d help me several times. I’m not stupid I can properly figure that one out but it bothered me alot. It made me feel like I can’t trust anyone or ask anyone for help because they never come through for me. I ended up finding a solution but it’s going to cost me more but at least I figured it out. I had several things happen to set me off this week but that was just my last straw. When I walked into my counselor he told me well you didn’t gamble or use this week after all the shit thats happened to you. And hes right little shit that used to set me off and trigger me or make me upset would send me into a tailspin of depression and then I’d find relief through gambling. I’m happy I’m learning to let myself feel vulnerable and upset when I feel let down. I think it’s only natural or so my counselor told me. He said alot of the things that bother me are what trigger normal people not just someone who’s been through alot of trauma. I’m trying to learn what is so called healthy normal feelings and emotions vs what is stuff from my past. He said I’ve improved so much he doesn’t see my past come out much it’s just everyday life stressors that bother anyone. That actually made me feel like a real human for once and not like im some kind of alien or something.

    • #160608
      Don14765
      Participant

      Jvr: glad you got the couch situation figured out
      Without that bozo’s “help”
      I too,
      Last week; got very annoyed
      At a so -called friend
      Who made me insecure, angry
      For at least 3 days!
      Deep
      Down inside- I knew resorting to gambling
      Would have normally been
      My path to “temporarily “
      Feeling better, but then I knew that later on when I lose all my bets… I would feel worse because now on top of dealing with the angry, insecure feelings I have to deal with losing money too😩

    • #160642
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi Don sounds like we have some similarities going on in our lives. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve got disappointing humans in your life to. I guess it’s an unfortunate part of life that we have to deal with. I had to let my resentment go quickly and realize that sometimes I expect people to be like myself. The fact is alot of people just have there own agendas and we can really only depend on ourselves at the end of the day. What I’ve learned this week is I have to be more vocal about what I deserve in my life. I also need to step back and look at the bigger picture that some people just don’t have the ability to see how they treat others. I feel fortunate for the growth and maturity I have Today because I’m able to see my own defects and how to correct them. It’s not my job to point other people’s out that’s on them to figure out. I just need to learn better how to not feel so offended and hurt by others. I’m proud of myself for not falling into addictive patterns anymore that’s huge. I’ve been trying to help alot of girls in recovery lately to be of service and that helps me alot to get outside of myself. I’m just going one day at a time the best I can.

    • #160776
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I want so badly to be able to write postive today but I’m just not doing well. I managed to move some more stuff in my cottage so there was something positive I did but I just wanted to sleep. I feel really low and sad. I’m struggling alot with the times that I don’t have plans with my friends. I’m someone that really struggles to be alone hence the reason I had a partner since I was a young teenager. Because my family doesn’t live where I do either I’m alone alot. I generally fill my time with seeing gfs on the weekends but nobody was free today. I have plans tomorrow which will probably cheer me up but I just feel like a loser when I’m alone. I almost signed up for dating apps to try and fill a missing void in myself but realized that’s not what I want nor do I want to meet someone like that so I quickly switched that mindset. It doesn’t help that my neighbors are having a massive wedding on the beach beside me right now so I feel even more alone and worthless. I don’t no how to get out of this mentality. I no for a fact when I started gambling it was do to the lonliness I felt in my relationship and loss of who my ex was. I don’t want to go back to numbing myself out of my lonliness with something.I’m trying really hard to fight through the feelings. I guess I just have to accept that I’m going to have these depressed days sometimes. I have to stop trying to think that everything has to be sunshine and rainbows because it just isn’t realistic.

    • #160781
      risingphoenix
      Participant

      I can relate to this so much. Nowadays without my dog, who was my anchor, I feel so lonely. Very depressive thoughts when I am at home all alone. I try to just keep working to just connect with people. I also keep driving around, and trying to meet people. I haven’t dated in a long time as I was so engrossed with gambling. It is becoming incredibly hard for me to get back at it now.

      Gambling has affected so many facets of my life. It is just ridiculous.

    • #160802
      Don14765
      Participant

      Jvr: I too, struggle with being alone..
      Yesterday I had a tough day
      Being alone- but I did some delivery of food
      And the day went by…..
      I now try (although it’s hard!)
      To have an “attitude of gratitude “
      Look for the positive…
      When days like yesterday happened, it’s not easy, but I just have to search and the positive is there…..
      Also-
      Try and look for the things you do well…
      And think/write them down?

      I also am trying to accept God’s plan for me.
      Maybe he wants me to be alone for the time being?
      I have tried dating Apps,
      Etc
      Nothing seems to work….
      So that it could be an indication that right now I am supposed to be alone?

      On the other hand, I went to the bank a few weeks ago and I was able to get a loan fairly easily -so maybe that is the positive I am talking about?

      And I think that you were mentioning that in your past when you had days like yesterday you would’ve just said F-it
      And gambled or used ….
      But lately you haven’t !
      That’s a positive!

      I once read saying that I think could be helpful: “we are so busy adding up our Mis- fortunes, that we forget to count our blessings”

    • #160831
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks for the responses I’m glad to let my vulnerable side out and no that alot of us are in the same space together. Our brains can definitely be a rough place to be in at times. Today I had a super profound experience. My friend and I took along drive on the island to some remote beautiful spot. On my way back I came across a motorbike and a guy laying in the middle of the road. I thought the man was dead. I quickly stopped and ran to him with my anxiety on full tilt. He had fallen off was full of blood face first in the road. I have training working in Healthcare before. I got him safely off the road he was drenched in blood and semi concious. He didn’t no where he was. As I was asking him questions I did ask if he had anything to drink ect. He said not for 5 years I said so were in the same club hey. He winked at me and said I guess your my angel today. I cleaned him up and got him safe got an ambulance to come to the middle of nowhere. I quickly came out of my saddened state and felt like I had some purpose today that I was able to help this man without hesitation. I’m glad today happened to get me out of my feel sorry for myself state. Sometimes we need a good wake up call to get into the postives about life.

    • #161251
      Don14765
      Participant

      JVR: that was very thoughtful of you to help that man out …he certainly needed someone
      To be there for him
      And you rose up to the occasion
      And were there for him…
      And yes -these experiences
      Are indeed helpful for
      Us to know we can be of assistance to others
      And
      Helps us get out of our negative funk..

    • #161281
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m finally in my cottage permanently which is really nice. My living situation was horrible for the last year being in a rv trailer. It’s a big one so it was doable but it was not fun for alot of reasons. All I no is after the fiasco with my family and making me sell my half of the inherited home I had I will never coown a home with anyone ever again. I still miss that house everyday. But onwards I go. Unfortunately I live in the most expensive place in Canada so I definitely won’t be buying a house by myself for along time. I’m ok with that though as my last house was a fortune to run and upkeep. At least renting I can pay off my debts and continue saving money which is really important for me right now. I can’t beat where I live either I have a beautiful ocean view and 1/2 acre of private land to myself so I’m extremely thankful everyday for that. I thought I’d get emotional finally being in the cottage since it took me months to renovate and fix up but im not. At least it’s what I wanted for myself and I get a discounted rent because I did all the work. Hard work pays off and I’m so glad my addiction was not present during this time or I’d never of finished the place. Working hard on maintaining abstinence and doing the therapy I need have really helped my life improve alot. Though I might feel lonely I’m not lost anymore which is a huge difference for me. I no once I’m healed the way I should be from my past relationship and trauma work ill be able to bring someone into my life again. It’s definitely not fair to introduce someone into my life when im not fully healthy especially someone like me with alot of past addictions. I’m hoping I can force myself to be alone for a least a full year I’m at 8 months of being gamblefree so its really not that long to keep doing more work on myself.

    • #161582
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I started writing last night but felt like I was repeating myself and didn’t feel like writing something negative so I decided I’m just going to write some gratitude lists for myself in the morning for a bit on here to keep my head clear and positive. I’m grateful for my new home, I’m grateful for having a good paying job, and im grateful for my awesome friends that I have in my life. And I’m grateful for 8 months gamble free and being free 10 1/2 years from all substances.

    • #161668
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m grateful for the beautiful walks I get to have in the morning with my dog.I’m grateful for getting to run my shop today alone so its a more calm day. I’m grateful for my good friend staying with me this weekend as its the anniversary of my mom dieing 24 years ago its usually a hard time for me so having my friend with me will help ease the sadness. I’m grateful for another day I can wake up gamblefree.

    • #161842
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I’m grateful for being able to help my friends thats are still struggling. Now that I have a clearer head I’m in a better place to be a sounding board to them. I’m grateful for being alone actually because it’s given me time to think about the things I want in my life and how to set healthy goals for myself. I’m grateful that I’m not consumed with thoughts of gambling or my other past addictions. Honestly since my partner and I stopped living together in February and I started doing the therapy I needed gambling hasn’t once consumed my mind. After about the 6 week mark of getting through the withdrawl stage I was doing really well in that area. I’m glad I let me ego be put aside and ask for help, and being honest with all the people in my life because I no thats whats saved me to this day from gambling. It definitely could of gotten worse than just losing money and for that I’m even more grateful right now.

    • #161958
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Yea I have seen that one. Definitely would make me cry if I watched it again. I’ve been on both sides of that story through all my relationships. One addict trying to save the other. It’s a pretty good depiction of what codependency does to people.

    • #162220
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m super exhausted this week I’ve been having to work on a jobsite an hour away from where I live so I’m getting up at 330 every morning. I’m mustering up the energy to go to a 2 day festival in the middle of nowhere. I guess sugar free energy drinks it is lol. Better than gambling, or using substances. I don’t drink energy drinks much just when I need some life in me. Anyways im doing good and and I’m really grateful to be gamble free and living my life to its fullest.

    • #162368
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m grateful for my weekend of dance therapy. And lots of laughs with my bestfriemd camping. Learning to have fun in recovery is a huge part of getting better and living a postive program. Happy to be another day gamblefree and substance free.

    • #162733
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Not much to write about still gamblefree and doing the work necessary to stay that way. I see my counselor every 2 weeks now to let out any negative crap swirling in my head. I was really burned out yesterday and have a 4 day weekend so I mostly just slept which I haven’t done in years I never take a full day to just do nothing and rest. So as guilty as I felt my body and mind needed it. Today I’m in a better space to accomplish the things I need to for myself. Nothing worse than having 5 million chores at home when your someone who works doing hard labor but such is life. I’m grateful for my recovery and happy that I’m still staying postive even on the bad days.

    • #162874
      jvr3419
      Participant

      One of the earliest things I remeber doing in my early recovery days over 10 years ago from my other addictions was writing out what could be a potential relapse for me. One of those things was my grandma dying since she was all I really had. I did not relapse when she died about 4 years back but I did end up this gambling problem a few years after when I wasn’t dealing with the grief and having to deal with her will and all the bs that comes with family drama around it. As I’ve wrote here many times there was multiple things that led to me gambling for those few month stents that I did. However now as I read others struggles with relapse and talk with people close to me who keep relapsing on substances and alcohol I realize the importance of making another list of potential things that can take me out again if I’m not careful. One thing I thought would was my breakup but luckily it didn’t. I have had some issues in the last few months with another guy whom I’ve just been talking with but I’ve been strung along by this person on a merry go round ride. The hard part is we work together I thought he was quitting and he failed to mention he changed his mind this week. He led me on again for 2 weeks straight after I shut down contact for a few weeks. Then I opened up alot to him after he contacted me out of work, just to have him treat me like crap and I new better. My vulnerability to not liking being alone made me drop my guard down. Nothing happened relationship wise just alot of time wasted texting. I felt like a dumb teenager or something. Anyways I no that any form of relationship or crap pulled in that area of my life is a huge trigger for me. Being hurt or used/led on is hard for me because I feel like I’m not good enough when it happens. Anyways it’s hard to write that out and embarrassing but it’s a reality of one of my major triggers. Luckily I did not let my current disappointment of this man ruin me or my recovery. I am learning to live with the hurt feelings and just move past it. I am still making a list to see what are potential relapse triggers or things that I feel I might not be able to get through clean. So far I’ve been through the worst of it all including looking at my past traumas so maybe my reservations won’t be a long list but just things to be cautious of. I am really grateful for having a clear mindset so I can be able to look at this stuff without being closed off. Im grateful for the beautiful day I’m having and getting things done to make my place happier for me to be in.

    • #162890
      Don14765
      Participant

      Jvr: I’m glad you’ve had a good day today !yes- always best to not let anyone drag you down and get to you …and I hear you ….a few years ago my parents died –
      Within 7 months of each other…
      I did get some grieving counseling,
      But only about 8 months later

      And after I had spent all of my bonus
      Cheque (worth thousands)
      On gambling to try and soothe
      My inability to deal with The grief…

      4 years later here I am
      And it’s easier to deal with
      My parents’ passing….not great-
      But it is easier nowadays…

      I only wish I would have known
      It would get easier in time
      And not waste those thousands on
      Gambling in order to deal with
      Grieving 😩

    • #162916
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’m sorry for your loss Don. I lost my mom when I was 11 and never new my biological father so I can emphasize with you so much. Grief is super hard and everyone handles it differently. I definitely believe in how powerful grief is in failed relationships and loss of childhood from trauma ect. I don’t think were bad people by any means for what we did we were just hurting super bad and unfortunately fell victim to what so many people find instant gratification from. The gambling/ substance industry are designed for people like us. The sole purpose is to profit off peoples pain and emotions. It pisses me off that these things were created by other humans as they sit there and watch it destroy one another. Our world is royally fd up if you ask me. I try not to hold a resentment at these markets/ industries but it’s hard not to feel some anger towards it. Anyways I thankyou for your comment and hope to hear more about your recovery journey. Wishing you and others on here well today.

    • #163192
      jack1991
      Participant

      Hi it’s my first day here looking for some ways to try and quit

    • #163217
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi jack1991 the best advice I can give to start your journey in quiting gambling is to get yourself banned from all ability to gamble be that self exclusion from sites and from casinos. Then from there is takes alot of hard work to deal with what brought you into the addiction in the first place. Many people join GA and some even need to go to a rehabilitation centre to remove themselves from there own environments. I myself through myself into therapy right away I found someone that specialized in gambling addiction and trauma. This has worked for me with doing 12 step work and using this forum.

    • #163266
      Don14765
      Participant

      Jvr: thank you for your support! I agree with you 100% of these companies out there, lotteries, online gambling, etc. don’t really care

      If I waste my entire paycheque on these things, and when I went for grief counseling, that’s the first thing they said, was to not get into buying anything extravagant or gambling or spending money of any kind…

      It is indeed sad that these companies/online gambling sites etc. take it vantage of people but there is some good news!

      We are all on this site to support one another when we struggle and also to share our good days that we have and how we remained gamble free for another day 😀

    • #163277
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I decided to reward myself and bought a wicked socket set and new skillsaw that I really needed for working on some stuff at home. Since I’m alone I’ve had to start accumilating tools again since my ex and I shared everything. I have most of my stuff at work so I felt like now that I have spare savings I can afford to get the things I need like decent tools. Don’t get me wrong being a girl I still mix in the clothes shopping sometimes to but I do like my tools being that I’m in trades. This is the luxury that not gambling for the almost 9 months has given me I can afford anything I want now and it’s a really freeing feeling. I don’t feel weighed down by how am I going to afford to pay for this and that. I’ve had a great weekend and I’m starting some projects at home. I’m putting together my elliptical trainer for when the crappy rain hits in the next while so I can continue my workout routine everyday. I’ve been running, and hiking lots with the nice weather so I’m feeling really healthy. Trying to keep myself as postive as possible to stay away from negative addictive thoughts and so far its been pretty good this last while.

    • #163207
      am11
      Participant

      Hi there everyone it’s my first time writing out on a forum like this I have a severe addiction to sports betting I have been betting for the past 6 to 7 years at first I used to gamble small amounts for the past year and a half I have started betting large amounts I have lost more than 100k in a year I just can’t seem to figure a way to quit my life has become depressed iam married I have a child another child is coming soon I have gambled all my savings and I’m still gambling whatever I’m making out of my business I am from a decent and strong financial family but I have lost respect in my family eyes all they see is me in my room and I get called by the name gambler I have been stuck in my room for the apst year my routine is I just wake up and start gambling i have lost all my social life I have gained a lot of weight I have lost all my money I am in debt aswell but gbling is not leaving me alone I can’t seem to open upto my family and tell them I will get more humiliated I know it’s all to blame me it’s like I am ignoring important expenses that have to be made in my life and I am redirecting my finances into gambling I block my self from one website then I open a acc on another I just can’t seem to understand what to do I had saved up to open another business but all money is gone now I keep thinking how will I get back on track I don’t feel like leaving my room

    • #163209
      am11
      Participant

      Now I get a certain amount from my business a month which is ok to live on I don’t ask financial help from my family but all of that money is going into gambling then I am getting loans from various people that I have to hide from my wife and family just to keep up with my gambling needs I have tried everything the urge does not finish if it keeps on going like this I see my self in very big trouble my parents see me as a liability and I’m getting taunts everyday that I’m in my room etc but I wish if they could know what’s going on in my life at times I feel se low I had never taken loans in my life but this past year has totally finished me due dates pass by people start calling the depression gets real I just can’t get over the fact I lost my hard earned savings in a matter of months

    • #163632
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi Am welcome to the forum. I just wanted to congratulate for taking the step to talk here. One suggestion though is we each have our own thread we make. This one is my own that I created but I’m glad you’ve posted to get started it takes a bit to figure out at first. Definitely putting in gambling blockers and excluding yourself from being able to gamble is the biggest first step you gotta take. And the more you talk and seek out the help you need the better your going to feel in the long run. Recovery is a tough process but it does get better I promise you that

    • #163932
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’ve had alot of moments this week where the devils trying to dangle the carrot above my head more in the form of substance addictions than gambling but I’ve worked through those senerios that have been thrown at me. Mostly just meeting the wrong people that have tried to be bad influences but I’ve learned to put up my boundaries and not give in to temptation. I’m paying my debts down still slowly and I’ve reached over the 9 month mark now.

    • #164196
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      congratulation on the 9 months mark, I am sure you will calibrate the one-year mark soon.

    • #164218
      AJ
      Participant

      Your story and dedication to come back and keeping this forum updated is Pretty inspiring my friend, as for me today is my 313 Day gambling free which is almost 2 months away from the one year celebration. I will come back to celebrate the gambling free year with you soon!

      Please remember that you are in a battle for life! Do not give up and always keep a distance between you and those who try to sweeten the past and want to drag you back! Someone who’s sinking would like to see you drowning so he’s not alone.. keep yourself busy with work and family, do take a walk once you feel the thoughts are sneaking into your head, it will clear your head and help you remember why you started in the first place.

      Again very nice work mate! I’m looking forward to seeing you updating us with the 1 year post.

    • #164228
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thankyou for your kind words AJ congratulations on your clean time and DE thankyou.

      Today was a rough one my uncle whom I looked after for years past away. He helped raise me after my mom died and in his later years became bed ridden with dementia. I sent him into a carehome in 2020 when I became to overly burned out from the caregiving. I did all the necessary things to not run out and pick up or buy smokes or do anything addiction wise. Gambling didnt even cross my mind but cigarettes did which i havent smoked in years. I went straight to my sponsors she’s a medicine women( first nations) which is my cultural upbringing and spiritual practices so she helped use spirtual medicines to get me ready for grieving. I called as many people as i could to keep my head from spiraling out of control and luckily had already had my counseling appointment booked. So I went to him and was able to let out my emotional pain right away. I refuse to let my grief take me out. My uncle was my last ” safe” person even in his state. So I’m gonna have a rough grief period ahead but I’m holding my supports close and not putting myself into shut down mode from people. I’m good at letting people take advantage of me when I’m in these vulnerable places so I have to keep my strength up so I dont attract sick people right now into my life. So I need to stay on the ball with my recovery in every way possible right now.

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by jvr3419.
    • #164318
      Don14765
      Participant

      Jvr: sorry to hear about the loss of your uncle.. BUT!

      It sounds like you have done (and are doing) all that you could do to avoid breaking down with addictions, like gambling, because of your grief…

      Going to your sponsors ….calling people …
      All great , necessary steps….while grieving..

      I , unfortunately, didn’t do that when I lost my parents….
      But -it has been a few years and I haven’t “melted down” that bad
      Since then…

      I think you’re definitely on the right track
      Taking all those necessary steps –

      Keep up the great work …
      And yes..
      Watch out for “vultures “
      Hoping to swoop in and take advantage of you when you’re down….

      Keep being strong and taking the right
      Steps (like you’re doing)
      And I think you’ll be fine

    • #164516
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Definitely gone through a wave of a million emotions this last week. From grieving and then letting go of toxic people that don’t belong in my life. I ended up going out on the weekend and went to my favorite dj to dance my pain out. I’ve mentioned before in posts that I was a dancer all my life so thats how I deal with my painful times. Unfortunately some of the places I go are dangerous areas for a recovering addict like myself because I go to raves and underground night clubs ect but I’m not tempted by substances its Unfortunately the people I meet that can be an issue sometimes. This is the next steps im going to be taking now that I’ve got the gambling, and my trauma issues out of the way. I’m going to start tackling my codependency problems which is huge for us addicts especially women like myself who’ve had a life like mine. Recovery has so many different layers to deal with and learning to navigate behaviors that can effect life long term is huge. I’ve always hated the term codependency because people are ment to help people but it gets to a point where it can make you sick and lose yourself doing it and that’s when it becomes unhealthy. Other than that I’m doing well in my work life I’ve taken on huge responsibilities now that I’m ticketed in my trade and I’ve noticed that all the guys I work with have taken me more seriously now as a journeymen. Before they had issues with me being the only women and used to knock me down because I’m not like a typical butch tradeswoman. Alot of the ones I’m friends with have said to me that I’m an issue because I’m attractive to them and a distraction lol I always say the same thing that it’s there problem because I can work just as fast and get done more than them at the best of times so if my looks are there problem then f them. Still doesn’t make sense to me but I think there just intimidated that I’m good at what I do and sometimes outshine them. Bruised egos if you will but again not my issue.Im not gonna beat myself with a shovel so that I can get respected more thats for sure. Anyways another day gamble free and substance free so it’s a good day.

    • #164731
      Don14765
      Participant

      JVR: glad to hear you’ve gotten out
      And danced your heart out..
      If that’s what helps you to cope
      And stay gamble free…
      Too
      That they have those substances there at the raves that can trigger you😕

      But you’re doing your best to avoid that and that’s great!!

      Regarding your work- a lot of “macho thinking “
      Men will indeed get intimidated by a woman
      Doing their job and they feel
      Helpless and vulnerable…
      Most guys feel the need to support
      Or even control a woman…
      So yes
      Best to keep doing your job and avoid
      Letting
      Those guys bother you..

      Also, we men think differently than women, we always put intimacy first in our lives and we don’t really need to feel” attached emotionally “

      Or at least that’s what I think I have discovered over the years of analyzing why men and women are so different?

      And yes! You are so correct, if you are attractive to them that is their issues to deal with for sure! There are some teachers at my school and then I find extremely attractive but I still trying to remain professional because most of them are married..

      And yes-
      Keep avoiding negative triggers and people that are toxic to you for
      Sure …

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Don14765. Reason: Spelling /punctuation
    • #164759
      mutley
      Participant

      It always amuses me when I try and talk about and understand my massive gambling problem with people who clearly don’t have an addiction. A change to my routine, what is that all about? I don’t think I’m going to change a lifelong extremely deep-routed gambling addiction by changing my daily routine! It’s a bit like the stupid yellow panel that flashes up at the end of the constant gambling adverts on the TV that say: take time to think or when the fun stops, stop. It’s absolutely absurd to even think that you can just stop doing something that is so addictive because you just read something at the end of an advert that is basically willing you to gamble. The adverts should be banned instantly. The gambling industry should be held accountable for creating millions of addicts worldwide and made to pay a good 20% of their profits to pay for the recovery of the affected. Gambling is basically legalized drug dealing, Gambling has the same effect on people with a cocaine/crack addiction. I can’t believe the government is letting it go on as it does, well I do actually as they are all making money out of weaker more vulnerable people in society and they don’t actually care. It’s greed pure greed and power. Disgusting!!!!

    • #164760
      mutley
      Participant

      jvr3419. Hi, I have been reading your posts: Man or woman the similarities are striking. I used to go out raving a lot in the late ’80s and 90’s, at one point at least once a week, we were mad for it and all that came with it. I had a lot of issues growing up. I came from a broken home and it was not pleasant with all the infighting and arguments, I CAN remember. I’m in my 50’s now and it’s still an issue. I took drugs and drank alcohol and gambled to block out my emotional pain. I started gambling when I was 8 while on holiday with my dad, stepmother and brother. I can still remember my first gambling experience to this day. We went to Westwood Ho in Cornwall England. I went down to the on-site amusements and started play playing one of the old Bell fruit machines 5p per play. I put £11.50 in it, it was in 1977 so £11.50 was a lot of money. I had been saving all my money up all year and I lost the lot in an hour I was putrid. I didn’t tell my parents as I was too scared to tell them. I didn’t have a very good time as I couldn’t do anything for the rest of the week and kept making excuses as to why I didn’t want to do anything. I used to go to the cobbly beach and watch the waves for hours and I found a gully that seemed to be massive, when the waves came in they washed through the gully and splashed up and over onto the rocks above. I went back there years later and found the gully, it wasn’t very big at all but I was only 8 the first time I went! Yeah so that’s when I first gambled and I used to gamble whenever I could when I was younger, normally when I was on holiday with my dad and stepmother. When I reached the age of 13 the pool hall opened in the town where I live and once they got fruit machines in there that was it I was down there all the time. I used to bunk school to go I lost every penny I had all the time to the gamblers. I got a job at 15 working as a commis chef in a local restaurant and very often once I got paid I would put all my wages in the 2 fruit machines they had in the pub after I finished work. It got really bad back then. I used to steal and I used to fiddle the fruit machines for free credits but I would end up losing all the money back anyways so it didn’t really benefit me, it just turned me into a criminal. I guess it just furthered my addiction. I could quite literally go for hours here about it but I’ll continue another day. I’m trying to think when I last had a gamble….. I went to the pub the other day 5th of October I had one pint of beer I put £3.50 in the bandit and won £7.00 so I walked away thinking I just got a free pint out of that pub but did I? I’m on day 2 again now….. 45 years of gambling hell TBC…..cheers for now Mutley.

    • #164777
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks Don for comment always nice to hear from ya. And mutley im so glad to read your posts I love seeing people just let er fly like that. Writing out all those thoughts and feelings are the best way to get started with the recovery process. If your new here you actually start your own thread. We each have are own to act as a journal for ourselves so itll be good for you to start one to monitor your own progress and so people can also comment and help give you support to. If you haven’t already done so self exclusion is going to be a major part of your first step to controlling the need to go gamble. Meaning banning yourself from any casinos and online ones to. There is apps that block sites on your phone called gamban and there’s a few others you can search for its worth the few bucks. Next thing is to get support I went to a gambling/ trauma counselor and its saved my life. There’s also GA meetings which really help and if needed rehabilitation which I no nobody ever wants to do but sometimes it’s nessicary to be removed from one’s general life and enviroment to get the proper help and it eliminates everyday stresses to focus on recovery only for awhile.

      As for myself I’ve thrown myself back into my meetings for all different areas of my recovery. Started a coda meeting last night so I’m feeling pretty postive right now.

    • #165078
      jvr3419
      Participant

      My recoverys been super strong this last week. I started throwing myself back into NA and AA meetings and I continue seeing my gambling/trauma councilor every second week. I’ve been reconnecting with other recovering addicts more in person and trying to keep myself in the light and not go into the darkside. It doesn’t taken much for the addict demon to come up and grab me by the throat so I’m doing everything I can to keep that from happening. The biggest thing is allowing myself to practice my stepwork and work a proper and healthy recovery program. I also have been practicing my spirtuality alot which is helping me stay on the straight and narrow. I’ve put in a large amount of boundaries with people this last week and ive also continued to take my daily personal inventories and correct any defects of character that may come out. This is keeping me sane and away from all addictive tendencies that I have. Today im full of gratitude.

    • #165338
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today I did a sweat lodge ceremony which is a cultural practice of mine to help heal. It’s been along time since I’ve gotten that proper medicine and it’s a huge part of helping me heal today. When I was gambling I forgot to practice my spirtuality I didn’t smudge anymore, I didn’t do sweats, or connect with nature and do the rituals and things I’ve always done. I lost my way off my red road. I forgot who I was. Now that I’ve gotten back who I really am I don’t want to lose it ever again. I refuse to sink so that means pushing through my resentments. Being able to forgive people, and make amends to people even when I don’t want to. Everyday I do an inventory and apologize to people if I’ve harmed them at all. I’m never going to be perfect that’s just a fact of life that we addicts have to take into account but I can still continue to fight and try being a better human being to the best of my ability.

    • #165396
      Don14765
      Participant

      Jvr- glad you’re able to find something you’ve once had-
      And be able to
      Re-insert it back into
      Your life…
      I have all but abandoned my guitar
      Playing and I question why….
      Most of my thoughts are gambling related
      And
      I need to reincorporate something
      That’s been part of me as well
      Kudos
      To you for doing that !

    • #165769
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’ve reached 10 months gamble free today. I’m still trying to clean up my mess fincially from it. I have savings but refuse to put it on my debt as its all I have to survive if anything goes array in my life. I make enough to cover my payments every month but it would be nice to eliminate it quicker. I’d do a second job but the one I have takes everything out of me already. I can barely move today from taking on a huge labor intensive jobsite that I have to run right now. I still have an rv I need to fix up and sell for spring so that will help put a big chunk down. I’m just trying to fix it myself with little free time. I’m only one women but man I wish there was 10 of me to get all the things done I need to. Anyways one day at a time just keeping myself going as best I can.

    • #166011
      risingphoenix
      Participant

      Congrats on the 10 month milestone my friend! Keep at it. One day at a time

    • #166184
      Don14765
      Participant

      Jvr: congrats on reaching a 10 month
      Plateau!

    • #166814
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      Hi jvr,
      you didn’t post for a while, I hope everything is going well.
      wish you all the best
      DE

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by Dark Energy.
    • #166905
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi DE I’m doing good. I’ve been doing alot of recovery work outside of this forum so I haven’t been online much. But I’m still going strong and working a strong recovery program. Doing my steps,going to meetings, connecting to my spirtuality. I’m on vacation right now.i had trouble trying to log onto here for the last week and half the site wouldn’t work for logging in so I gave up. I hate computer stuff I get frustrated with it. But I finally sat long enough to figure out what the problem was lol.

    • #167020
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      keep it up JVR, after raisingphoenix you are the next for the 1-year mark, plan a good celebration for that day.
      wish you all the best.

    • #167451
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I haven’t wrote here for awhile. I’ve been focusing on my recovery outside of the forums. I’ve been struggling with my codepency issues and wanting to help everybody lately. I’ve had to remove alot of people out of my life in the last few weeks because it was waying on my mental health. I don’t have any thoughts of acting on addictions but I get roped into being miss fix it to much which is just another addict behavior of mine. The hard part about recovery is that we’re taught to do the 12 step and try to help other addicts that still suffer. But sometimes it goes to far for me and I have to take a step back to get myself grounded again with my own spirtuality and gain back my self worth. Writing on here always helped me and trying to help the others with what advice or support I could helps but I just needed a break to get myself back into a healthy mindset. I’m doing better now with learning boundaries and how to actually stick to them. That’s the hardest part is knowing when to say no and stop trying to help people that don’t want it or get it. Us addicts are stubborn,and selfish at the best of times and we hurt people like crazy when we’re in active addiction and even sometimes in recovery if we’re not working on the emotional sobriety aspect. I have to remeber to keep practicing gratitude and hope in my life. One man shared in a meeting I was at that the opposite of addiction is connection so I’m trying to find a way to allow myself to connect to healthy recovery people now. I was so focused on helping sick people that I started pulling away from the good people in recovery that have the things I strive for in myself. I have to remeber to stay in the light and not get pulled into the dark place of dancing with the devil. That means even staying away from active addicts no matter how much I care I have to stay detached and allow people to just come to me instead of me running to then and trying to rescue them. I’m a work in progress but I’m trying one day at a time. Just passed my 11 month mark of being gamble free so I’m really grateful for that today.

    • #167462
      risingphoenix
      Participant

      Congrats on the 11month mark. 🙂

    • #167502
      notyoung56
      Participant

      Hi Jvr3419

      You say that “I’ve been struggling with my codependency issues and wanting to help everybody lately. I’ve had to remove a lot of people out of my life in the last few weeks because it was weighing on my mental health.”

      I can understand what you mean, I have been there and done that. Like you I choose to remove people out of my life or walk away from toxic people, but I notice that the psychologist and counsellor cannot walk away from their clients, this is the main difference between trained professional and not, they are able to detach themselves from the people they are counselling.

      Just wanted to let you know that I have read your journal. I care about your well-being and feel that your recovery must come first.

      Best Wishes

      Kin

    • #167571
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks kin for your kind words. I’m definitely making strides with connecting with healthy people. I’ve been meeting with strong recovery minded people and learning how to stay grounded. My counselor set me free about a month ago said I didn’t need his help anymore. I’ve definitely had to learn alot about how to deal with life properly since I don’t have him anymore. I’m smart enough it’s just I struggle when I feel lonely and that’s usually when I attract unhealthy people into my life. I had a brief fling after my sponsor told me not to get involved with anyone. It was a mistake and I encourage anyone to just push through the year mark that’s recommend to be alone. Theres a reason for it because we’re so vulnerable and raw in the first year of any recovery. Even though I have almost 11 years of clean and sober time I still had this gambling addiction and I needed to figure myself out in this time. I wish I didn’t let my will take over but mistakes happen now I’m forcing myself to get back on track to keep working on myself. Recovery is super hard sometimes its not smooth sailing by any means. The one thing I take from alot of old timers that talk in meetings and who I no is that it’s about repetition of the simple steps and principles. It’s not hard to follow its just a matter of putting the effort into doing the work nessicary to stay balanced and healthy. Addict brains are so stubborn in wanting to take our own wills back when life knocks us down. I no for me I have to just keep fighting that self will and letting my spirtuality take the lead it’s the only thing that’s gonna save me from my own self destructing ways.

    • #167586
      notyoung56
      Participant

      You say, “My counselor set me free about a month ago and said I didn’t need his help anymore.”

      Well, if your sponsor set you free, I am sure you will get a new sponsor.
      Maybe it is time for you to find a new counsellor who can teach you how to detach yourself from the people that you help.
      A counsellor is not a supermarket that you go to when you need something.
      A good counsellor regularly checked your thought, feeling and emotions on good days and bad days.

    • #168882
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thankyou happy holidays to you as well. Ive now made it 1 year as of yesterday. Feels awesome to not feel uneasy or afraid of relapse. I’m doing really well in my life. Keeping busy, working my recovery. I haven’t been in any negative head spaces for awhile so I’m feeling really good about what I’m doing.

    • #168900
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      congrats JVR, happy for you.

    • #169341
      risingphoenix
      Participant

      Woohoo! Congrats on the 1yr mark 🙌

    • #169401
      yoyo
      Participant

      Wow, nice achievement! Congrats and keep it up!

      How does it feel?

    • #169411
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Jvr, great achievement, well done.

      I will say the same thing I have often heard at GA – the first year is the hardest to get……it is also the hardest to keep! Keep doing the thigns that are working for you. 🙂

    • #169848
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thankyou all for the awesome support.

      I wanted to talk about what my life’s like now and how I opened up to my new partner about what happened with my gambling. My Bf has been in recovery from other addictions so he understands what happens to the brain ect in addiction. However I had to be open to him I felt, since we now live together and he’s questioned me why I had debt and no money from my house sale. It took me a bit but I was honest with him the exact amount I lost and what led me there. My dad had told me that I didn’t need to explain to anyone again what I did or why. I just felt like my bf deserved to no if he was going to be with me since I have a big debt load weighing on me and I just felt he deserved to no the extend my addictive tendency has gone to so he can decide if he wants to be with me. As I told him I was crying and when I looked at him he was in tears with me. He said it’s only money and we make mistakes he said I’ve made tons in my life but it doesn’t define you as a person for screwing up. He told me he loved me no matter what I’ve done in my past and that we can rebuild a life and financial security again togeather. To hear someone say that was the most profound feeling ever. I tried to avoid another relationship for this reason that I was terrified and so ashamed by what I did. I didn’t ever think a man would understand what would make me loose that kind of money in a blink of an eye to gambling. I’m fortunate that I found a partner who has been through the same traumas as me and has experienced a really hard life so he understands why people do what they do. I wanted to share this to show the people here that hiding our mistakes out of shame doesn’t always have to be the way. It allowed me to feel free actually. The moment I told my family and friends in the beginning of my recovery and now sharing this with my bf and has allowed me to heal and forgive myself properly.

    • #170290
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      Hi JVR,
      happy for you, and you have done a good thing by telling your BF from the beginning about the gambling addiction if you kept it hidden it will keep bothering you.

      I can see you start gathering the fruits of your hard work, a good life is ahead of us if we stay gambling free.

      wish you all the best

    • #170710
      jvr3419
      Participant

      To this day I still have periods of anger at myself for what I did. I’ve worked tremendously on trying to forgive myself for the damage that was done. I no I’ve improved alot I have better relationships with people and healthy boundaries. I manage my finances better. I honeslty have not once though about gambling or even wanted to since I decided to quit. My problem with the addictions I’ve had through my life were like many strictly trying to soothe the mental pain I had going on between my ears. I’m not perfect I still have days where my traumas get triggered or I feel emotionally unstable at times. But I manage those days better. I haven’t used anything mind numbing or substance related for along time. I’m taking my 11 years from being substance free and I’m now a year and a bit from gambling. I even cut out sugar and coffee. Once I go all in to be healthy that becomes my obsession. I will always have this drive or focus to do something to the extreme so if that’s being the best version of myself than that’s where I put my energy. Nice to read the stories of how people are doing. Wish everyone a great day and postive recovery.

    • #173087
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Still gamble free and staying strong with it. I have days where I get upset at my mistakes but it’s just something that will always be in the back of my mind. My bestfriend just ended a relationship with a man whom had a gambling addiction so she was telling me his behaviors. I was able to help her understand him and show her he was still using as he tried using the excuse he’s banned himself from casinos but still plays lottery and scratches. So I explained why he was being controlling and toxic towards her as he’s still in active addiction. It’s good for me to see how easy it is for even people close to me to try and justify gambling addiction. I no that no matter what I can’t touch anything associated with it nor will I. I don’t want to end up being that miserable toxic person again and I definitely don’t want to treat people like how I see what just happend to my bestfriend. I’ve been around all types of addiction my whole life with myself, and others. I’ve seen recovery for almost every addiction both healthy, and non healthy. I no what I dont want to be like that’s all I no. I push myself as hard as I can to stay educated, grounded, spiritually aware, and personally accountable for every behavior I have. Everyday I try to see my behaviors like doing a daily inventory that 12 step groups suggests. It helps me see my defects, where I can improve, what I need to apologize for or what I need to ask for from others even if I’m being mistreated. Someone like me that struggles with severe trauma( even with healing and counseling). I can still tend to put myself into bad situations that can be unhealthy so I have to learn to respect myself. I’ve been reading tons of books and watching CPTSD healing videos left right and center to make sure that I stay on top of my mental health to. That’s the thing that sets my addiction tendencies off is when my CPTSD is getting triggered to much and I start disregulating. As exhausting and hard as it is to keep constantly looking at myself to keep my recovery up its worth it because I definitely don’t want to be who I was in addiction. That person to me is not alive its purely someone in survival mode not existing at all. Today I can say I feel alive. Not everyday is perfect by any means but I make it through without using any forms of addiction from substances to behavior related ones. The biggest thing is routine having a healthy diet, exercise, proper sleep, work/life balance, healthy relationships with others, and goals. These simple things are what keep me structured and away from my bad habits.

    • #173848
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks kin hope your well. It’s pretty nice to look at how much hard work we put into our recovery. I’ve successfully managed to save my goal amount of money now which is a huge relief to have that again. I was always good with having savings till I gambled for those few months that ruined my life so I’m glad to be back to who I am again. Happy to be where I want to be in life right now.

    • #173871
      marcusmaximus
      Participant

      Hi
      Very well done on your progress. I have been reading your posts and can relate to a lot of what you have been through and your feelings. I can use them for inspiration so thank you for posting.
      You have stayed disciplined and I must do that too. Well done, keep going.

    • #173879
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      congratulations JVR.
      I once watched an interview for Dr. Anna Lembke ( the author of Dopamin nation), I remember her saying that addicts are her heroes. because of all the struggles that they go through and they are always fighting back to recover..etc

      I liked what she said and I totally agree with her, the self-struggle that we experienced is the maximum test that can one’s have.

      you have passed this test twice so congratulations.

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by Dark Energy.
    • #175796
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Where I live is incredibly expensive and I’ve been feeling like I can’t get ahead. I have managed to save money but im also trying to pull myself out of the debt load I got myself in during my time gambling still.I find that I have alot of anxiety about being broke since I made the mistakes that I did. So now I’ve started putting money away to save rather than through it on my debt and just making minimal payments. It’s this psychological block I have from the guilt and shame I guess and I have to get a set number of what I need saved out of my mind so I can start paying this debt off faster. Time for me to just give myself an old mental boot and get this paid off and delt with.

    • #176372
      jvr3419
      Participant

      This past weekend I found out my aunt(mom’s sister) passed away. She kept it a secret from me that she was doing an assisted suicide. Me and her had been in a rocky relationship for along time but she did that with everyone and pushed them away. I live on her property and she made it so nobody new she had even passed. She wrote all her kids out of her will and only let one daughter see her before she died because she wanted her to “take care of buisness”. I feel hurt, angry and every emotion you can feel. She was my last living immediate family member. She raised me after my mom passed when I was young. The last few days I’ve been pushing myself into my recovery. I’ve gone to meetings, spent time with my sponsor and other recovery friends practicing my spirtual practices. I dissociate on and off because of my complex ptsd but I’m doing better than all the other losses I’ve had. My uncle my mom’s brother who also partially raised me passed about 6 months ago to. I’ve been trying everything I can to not go into the mode where I want to escape. I ended up with a gambling addiction after losing my grandmother. I don’t want the loss of my aunt and uncle to take me out again. My partner and I drove passed a casino this afternoon on the way home from work. I was dissociative from having thoughts of grief which come and go. But I just starred at this stupid lit up sign and my brain said I don’t need that shit. I had no desire and all I literally just felt anger towards the building even existing. I no ill never have any of my addictions beat but I refuse to let anything no matter how painful take me to the place I was at when I gambled and or used substances. I no I need to just keep working a program and doing everything I’ve learned over the years to keep me from messing up.

    • #176403
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      Hi JVR,
      this is life we will have some happy days and some sad days, stay strong and all will be ok.

      just a small question, I am not a native English speaker and I am seeing you many times writing “no” instead of “know”. I thought it could be a typing error but you repeated it a lot so I am wondering if is this a common way to write it in the area where you are living.

    • #176418
      jvr3419
      Participant

      No its not DE I’m just dumb and don’t pay attention to grammer. When I’m venting I just write I don’t think about how its coming out. I apologize I understand it drives some people crazy. My bfs like that he corrects everyone’s grammer but mine because he gets that I don’t care enough to fix it lol.

    • #177382
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey Kin I’m doing ok. Just working my butt off running a few jobs on my own and doing my recovery stuff. I had some issues with my partner becoming verbally abusive so I kicked him out till he works on his dry drunk behaviors. I’ve started healing big time in my codependent behaviors I don’t take any crap from anyone anymore. As soon as people start treating me disrespectfully I stand up for myself. I grew up with alot of abuse so I seem to end up with partners who are overly controlling and aggressive. My current bf has only been sober 6 months but he’s a good example of white knuckling it. I tried to get him to meetings and he went but not unless I took him. I read literature with him and even did the beginnings of stepwork with him to get used to answering questions with someone he trusted but he couldn’t shake it once it got to the look at himself stuff. He had a trauma counselor for a short stint which helped because he finally was able to tell me everything he’s gone through he never told anyone before. But I had to put my foot down now because I said I’m not going to be with another dry drunk. Every bf I’ve had is because they refused to do the work in recovery they figured being sober was enough but it’s not. That’s why I advocate so much on the importance of doing the inner work. That’s why I wrote so throughly in the beginning of my gambling recovery because I new I had to heal alot of stuff about myself. I ended up gambling because I to became a dry drunk I stopped working a program and doing steps I completely pulled away from working on what makes me an addict. The fact is I’m a person that comes from a life long history of trauma as most if not all addicts I’ve met have. The addictions themselves aren’t the problem it’s us as people,the shit between our ears. We’re psychologically wired different and that means continuous work to keep on top of that. I use my partner as an example in my writing right now because it’s a reminder to me who I don’t want to be in my recovery. I feel like I’ve woken up alot in the last year and I’m proud of that because being miserable and treating others like crap is not how I want to live.

    • #177944
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi Kin I’m doing ok. Just trying to get through some rough work days but I’m managing. I’ve managed to reach my goal for my savings so I now have enough for a down payment on a house. I like setting financial goals for mysel now. Before it was a struggle to not see money as a horrible thing after what I did gambling. But now I see it as something to be treated with respect in my life. I don’t have any desire to gamble at all. Funny as I’m writing this I’m waiting for my car to get general maintenance done, and the shops right next to a casino. I don’t feel any pull to it or any triggers from it.

    • #178565
      jvr3419
      Participant

      6 months comes fast kin the fact you have a goal is awesome. It gives us something to work toward and keep us a accountable to something.

      I’ve had a rough week but I’m pushing myself through it. I decided to go and visit my sister whom I haven’t seen in 5 years. She’s a severe alcoholic but I didn’t realize she was no longer even functioning. When I showed up she wouldn’t get out of bed, her teeth were rotting like completely black, she was extremely overweight, slept one full day I was there. She eventually got up the second day I was there but she was drunk the whole time. Brought up my entire trauma past plus things I didn’t remeber. My partner came with me but he was having a hard time himself and ended up becoming triggered and aggressive towards me at the same time. When I got home I was so emotionally exhausted. I just wish I stuck to my guns to just stay away from her. I was scared she was going to die and I’d never see her again so I wanted to at least see her again in case. This was triggered by my last immediate blood family member dying a month ago. I’ve been feeling lonely and missing the family I do have. I have a step-dad and, a step brother,and sister I grew up with since I was 1 years old. They’re all active addicts. So I guess I was trying to find some family connection. When I got home I kicked my partner out again for treating me like crap. He was doing well going to 12 step meetings and talking to a friend who was training to be a counselor but he stopped after 3 weeks and his abusive behavior started again. I told him he can’t come back unless he sees a professional for real this time. I give people so many chances in my life because I want to see the good in everyone. I made mistakes had addictions, and behavior problems and have learned to be a better person so I guess I keep hoping others in my life will make that effort to. Maybe that’s an unrealistic expectation I need to stop having so i wont keep getting hurt by others. My recovery journey is definitely a painful one but I refuse to let myself get sucked back into finding relief through gambling or any other form of escape. The hardest part is just letting myself feel everything I do. I guess that’s why I have to write my feelings out in so much depth when I do. I can hold all this stuff inside or I can let it all out instead. I was gonna go to a meeting tonight but I just wanted a night to myself to recoup. Sometimes meetings are over stimulating to me when I’m feeling really triggered and low. I like that I can write stuff on here as a back up for some relief. The positive is I dont want to gamble. And one thing I need to do is say what I’m grateful for today to keep me somewhat positive. I’m grateful that I have amazing friends to spend the weekend with. I’m grateful for my dog as he helps me feel safe. And I’m grateful for my recovery and having the ability to stay strong even when I’m crumbling from the external world around me.

    • #178845
      fifi
      Participant

      Sounds very much like me unfortunately

    • #180237
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’ve had a really bad day and I’m trying to keep my head above water. I’m super burnt out from work and finally managed to get a 4 day weekend. Literally 2 mins after leaving my site I was side swiped by a car running a red light. Damaged my entire back end of my car. It was drivable to a repair shop but because it’s a holiday they can’t fix it for at least a week or more. They duct taped my bumper and whatever was left of my right-side panels and told me to drive slow home lol. Now I’m stuck not able to go anywhere for a holiday so I’m super bummed and upset. My cars brand new to so its frustrating. I feel angry but it’s also out of my control so I just have to accept what happened and that it will get fixed for a 500 deductible which is better than the 5000 plus cost to repair it. These things happen in life there is no way around it. Before I would of “used” at it because of my anxiety and anger. Today I just have to feel my feelings and move on. I live beside the ocean amongst tons of hiking trails. I still have things I can do so I have to look at the positives. I have the money to fix it because I haven’t gambled in along time so I have an emergency fund. Staying grateful even when I’m upset is the best way to keep me from getting into a bad place. My addict brain can flip on a dime so I have to constantly fight myself to not switch into the Dr jeckel Mr hyde senerio. My partner had to calm me down on the phone when it first happened because my anxiety was through the roof. He heard me spiraling right away and spoke assertively to make me snap out of it. I get really dysregulated when I’m in a place of fear. Because I still have complex ptsd it can get aggrivated really fast by things like this. Even though I had therapy which helped me function way better I still have rough times. My partners now seeing the trauma therapist I had himself so he reminded me of the techniques I needed to do to get my brain to slow down and think about my next moves for the day. One thing I was taught in early recovery was the importance of sharing about how we get through the rough times. Life isn’t easy so to prevent relapse we have to have ways to cope with life stressors that set us off. I’ve definitely had alot of stressors lately. I’ve cut off toxic family members. Have had some major deaths in my family so I’m still grieving, and dealing with a partner who’s also trying to battle his own demons and recovery. I admire him though because it’s not easy to admit when you need professional help so for that im extremely grateful to.

    • #180950
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I went to a meeting this morning and was greeted by these people I’ve known for the last 12 years of my recovery. The connection and understanding of these people made me remember why I need to be apart of the programs. I get so lost in my own head sometimes and think the struggles i experience are just me. As soon as I connect with other addicts I feel so much better. Meetings are like taking the medicine we need to stay clean/sober. The complacency that can happen and does where my brain says I don’t need them happens fast. I have to fight myself everyday to stay focused in the right direction. I don’t want anything to take me back out to my addictions again no matter how hard things can get. I’ve watched several people in my life lately both relapse and become the most miserable dry drunks I’ve ever seen. Being emtionally dysregulated and pissed off all the time is not who I want to be. I no that I have to go to any length possible to keep me away from that darkplace. I drove an hour to get a meeting this morning it was worth it for me to make that effort. I drive 2 hours after work to get to a step group every week no matter how tired i am. I sacrificed my mental health and sanity in my addictions. Spending my freetime healing is more than worth the effort to not return to that life.

    • #181025
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      I am glad that the GA meetings helped you, for me I could not pass through the higher power subject. so I have done two meetings and I could not complete them.

      you are doing really good, wish you all the best.

    • #181086
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks for your message DE. I actually attend AA and NA as I don’t have a GA meeting where I live. I just treat my addictions as the same at this point. A meetings a meeting to me as long as I’m sharing what’s going on in my life and watching for any addictive behavior patterns that happen to me. I did treat my gambling addiction seperate in the beginning of my recovery that’s when I sought out help from a counselor who specializes specifically with gambling. I to had struggled with alot of the literature and higher power stuff. I’m not religious at all and struggle to even walk in a church actually. But I am super spirtual I’d consider myself more like a hippie if that paints a better picture. After awhile I started seeing that a higher power wasn’t a religious thing at all it was just something that made sense to me. Back in the day when the first meetings started the literature was written from a more religious standpoint. However now adays people have evolved to have many different beliefs and spiritual practices that different greatly from one another. The majority of people I’ve met in the programs have had the same mindset. They come in as what they consider an atheist at that time I would say the same about myself. Till this day I’d still consider myself an atheist in some ways as I don’t follow religious teachings. I have nothing against them as I no it helps many people im just not someone that believes that theory thats all. So maybe this will help you to separate yourself from the words used in those meetings. It took me a few years to see that the meetings and connection to people are super important for me. I’m still greatful to this day for the members who said this very exact thing to me in the beginning. It definitely helped me to feel less defensive walking in to a meetings.

    • #181189
      Dark Energy
      Participant

      Hi Jvr,
      I think in a physical meeting this could work for me, going to the meeting and seeing the other people face to face, there will be some kind of connection and that would have a lot of positive impact on me regardless of the higher power subject.
      but there is no GA meeting in my country, I will search for AA meetings here.

      the online meeting really didn’t help me, after your comment I think I should give it another trial this week.

    • #181475
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’ve booked a vacation for 2 weeks in October so I’m looking forward to that. I’m going by myself to visit my friend in Hawaii. I’ve had some pretty stressful things occur in my life and I’ve been working way to much. I decided that I have the funds to treat myself so I just said I need a break from work. I have to remeber self care is an important part of my recovery so having a break from my general life and remembering to actually live life is important. I had a few instances in the last few days where I’ve lost my temper really bad. Both instances were from men who started trying to control me in a negative way. I’ve always been a very vocal women who doesn’t let people talk down to me but lately I’ve been getting more angry when they don’t stop. I have zero tolerance where I usually can just go into my analytical brain and figure out why someone’s acting that way towards me. However I’ve just reached a threshold of not taking it and instead I react to the abusive behaviors. I’ve noticed though that in both cases the people eventually apologized right away because I didn’t take they’re crap. I don’t like getting to the point where I snap though and it scares me when it happens. But what I do no is that anger like that is steming from inner triggers. Recently within the last few months I removed my dad from my life completely. He was abusive my whole life especially verbally. He is a very critical, negative person who makes you question your sense of reality alot( typical narcissistic traits). My partner has very similar qualities but has been trying to get help with it. But occasionally slips into a dry drunk state and can act aggressively. I also work in the trades so I’m around alot of unhealthy aggressive/controlling people as well. I guess im still struggling with my childhood trauma related to being controlled and treated like shit and it does effect my recovery because when my emotions get out of wack where I become angry like I have been it has potential to take me to a dark place. I recently was trying to teach my partner that anger and depression are actually repressed emotions. So what I’ve realized in the last few days by my reactions is I still try to fight myself to fully let myself feel things. I think with the amount of grief and loss and stuff I’ve endured this year I’ve just started coasting like on autopilot. And I’m a workaholic so I don’t have time to think about how I feel most of the time. I’m always trying to stay busy constantly. Emotional sobriety next to the whole abstinence aspect is definitely the most important thing to maintain. There’s a reason why recovery is alot of work because our brains can override and mess up so quick if we aren’t self aware. I’m glad I can see where I need improvement. And I’m hoping me giving myself some time off next month will help me just rest and take time to heal the things I need to in order to regain some healthy emotional sobriety.

    • #181668
      nelynrc27
      Participant

      Hello, its my first time here, I have find the courage to open up about my addiction to some friends and i wanted to start my healing. Ive been feeling emotionally, mentally and physically weak from anxiety and depression. I dont know where and how to get better.

    • #181672
      zoya
      Moderator

      Hello Nelynrc27 and thanks for joining this thread.

      Here at Gambling Therapy, we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

      Here on the forum, you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum, so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

      As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group on Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

      And on that note….

      I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
      Take care.
      The Gambling Therapy Team

      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

      • This reply was modified 7 months, 4 weeks ago by zoya.
    • #182456
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I haven’t wrote here for a few weeks I’m doing good. Just keeping up with my stepgroup everywhere for my main recovery maintenence. I’ve been working alot of overtime so I haven’t had alot of free time but I’m doing well other than being exhausted from that. My bestfriend just entered a rehab facility and asked me to write a letter on how her addiction has impacted my life. It made me stop and think about how someone would write a letter to me to describe what I have done to them. Weird thing is I’m struggling to write the letter for her I don’t no why. She’s promised me for 15 years to get sober and she’s never lasted longer than 6 months shes been to 3 detoxes in the the last 8 months alone. I myself relapsed on substances once when I first tried to quit that stuff and I also relapsed 2 times when I first tried to quit gambling. So I have alot of empathy for how hard it is to try and quit addiction. I’m hoping that writing out in this journal will give me the ability to just get pen to paper on what my bestfriend needs to hear. Ive always been someone to help others and will go above and beyond to do so. But I’ve also created really tight boundaries with people especially this last year. I’ve cut out every toxic person from my life which ment my entire family and a huge chunk of my friendships. I have alot of amazing people I’ve met in my life in the last 12 years in recovery though and they’ve become my family and friends instead. My partner has done a complete 360 and is the best I’ve ever seen him because I’ve changed my behaviors. He had a relapse a few months ago now but because ive shown him how I want to be treated and respected he got the help he needed in therapy and through recovery meetings. I put healthy boundaries in place at the time and asked him to leave till he could see how his toxic behaviors harm others. I didnt let him back till he surrendered to his addiction and mental health problems. Before i would of just put up with the control and abuse out of fear of not wanting to be alone. Once he realized I no longer was that tiny and vulnerable he realized that hed lose me forever. I feel as my sponsor says that people will see the healthy change in us and hopefully that will radiate onto to them. There’s a saying that goes “you are what you hang with.” I realized especially through this last set of steps I’ve been doing. That my biggest triggers and what has caused most of my addiction issues or relapses in the past was alot to do with the people in my life. Meaning how people were treating me. I no my addiction was my problem but I used gambling, substances, and other behavior stuff to cope with my issues of pain caused by abuse that was going on to me. I now no that the only way for me to truly stay healthy and addiction free is to not allow myself to be around negative toxicity. I get nobody’s perfect nor do I expect myself or anyone else to be that way but there’s a line of what you attract and allow to enter into your own energy. I no im way to caring and have deep abandonment wounds so I will hold on for dear life to try and rescue people. But I learned the importance of what real boundaries are and how to apply that to my life. I still believe in practicing forgiveness as long as the person shows accountability because people have done that for me when I changed and made the effort. One of the biggest things I have to watch for with myself is complacency when I stop practicing what is considered my medicine that’s when my addict brain starts slipping. When I feel rage I have to smudge, practice my spirtuality, tap into recovery harder like meetings, putting that pen to paper for stepwork, talking to people and connecting. I need to let that stuff burning up inside of me out

    • #182736
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Last night I had a huge test occur. I flew out to visit my gf for a suprise bday get away with a group of other girls as well. These group of girls are not part of my recovery friendship group but there amazing people. They like to drink and indulge but there not people that trigger me there just fun and aurhentic. I was there designated driver since I’m sober and they decided they wanted to go to the casino. Only one of the girls nos my story with gambling but because she had wine in her she forgot. I agreed to drive them to the casino but said I’ll just wait in the car. I don’t feel triggered or anything but I piped up and said just before parking i can’t go in and explained the truth as they no im in recovery from substances that I’m a gambling addict to. Before I even managed to park they all said oh hell we don’t need to go in there lets just keep driving. I felt bad because I didn’t want to ruin there fun but they all ended up saying thankyou because none of them could afford to lose money anyways. Being able to be vulnerable in that moment was tough because I had to choose both to speak my truth and try not to feel judged. But also wanting to feel apart of at the same time. I’m thankful for my ability to have the strength to not only let people be who they are but also be able to stay true to myself. I’ve learned alot in the last 12 years that all I can do is be an example to others that you don’t need all the euphoric highs from all the temptations out there. Im still outgoing and have fun and can be apart of any social group but that’s with alot of hard work and knowing my limits. I have times where I’m not capable of being around party people but I no when i need to exit certain situations. People are gonna keep living and doing there own thing I can’t expect nor do I except others to live a clean life like myself.

    • #182772
      charles
      Moderator

      A very BIG well done JVR. You did the right thing. Whilst not gambling is a big deal for us, as you have found, it isn’t a big deal for non addicts. they are clearly good friends and as friends there are lots of other thigns you can do together.

      Very few people know about my addiction so I think if I was in the same position I would have just said “I don’t gamble, I’d rather not go to a casino”, Again, if I’m with friends we would then do something else.

      Again, well done, you deserve your mrecovery.

      • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by charles.
    • #183168
      sarahluna88
      Participant

      Well done. I also learned in many moments that telling people the real truth, is the best choice you can make.
      Its the only way to allow them that they really can see YOU.
      Every single human beeing has things and problems make someone struggle, and knows how it feels running against the same walls. When you show others who you really are, you’ll get this support now, which you might had needed in the past,when youre strarted getting an addict. Such expiriences can be very powerful. They can clean up a bit of the grief and sadness and give you a bit of trust in yourself. I’m happy to read your post 😊

    • #184203
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419

      Just dropping in to say “Hi”

      I have continue to read all your post.

    • #184384
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks for the comments. I hope that I can help people with my stories or at least give examples to what recovery really looks like.

      I just returned from a 2 week vacation I took in Hawaii. I actually went down by myself but met with a friend that lives there. I spent a few days alone which I have never done ever especially traveling. I was a bit nervous at first but gained confidence to do things without being afraid. I met some cool people just on my own so that was a huge step for me. I’m a surfer so it wasn’t hard for me to meet locals to show me some cool surf spots and I met some really cool spirtual people who were just like me and had the same values. Because I stepped out of my comfort zone I was able to have some amazing times on my own till I met my good friend down there. I was able to afford my trip because ive saved money for the last 2 years since I quit gambling. It’s amazing how much you can do when you work hard and actually save instead of blowing it on addictions. I’m proud of how far I’ve come it’s been a rough,painful,and very chaotic few years. But i’ve gained alot in a short period of time because of the hard work I’ve put into living clean the right way. I was so resistant to doing program work,or dealing with my struggles but I hit the rock bottom I needed. I watch my partner struggle daily with himself because he goes in and out of wanting to work on himself and I just seperate from his recovery because it’s not mine. The only way I learned to do the work was by falling flat on my face and picking myself up again. You can’t tell an addict what to do because we won’t listen lol we have to want to stop our behaviors addiction wis, and even the bad ones in sobriety. It is alot of surrender, and alot of letting go of control, which control is by far the greatest defect of character us addicts have. I’m grateful for every chance I have to actually live life today. I can truly say for the first time in my life I’m not just surviving anymore I’m actually living.

    • #184618
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today was a rough day as I helped assist in a search and rescue for someone in my area. I lost my mom when I was young,she went missing before she was found deceased so it was important for me to be of service to friends of mine to find there family member. The person was found deceased today though. The hardest part for me was hearing in the briefing that the person took off because of fincial hardship. For me it was an instant trigger of emotion being someone who destroyed my life fincially speaking with this addiction. I definitely went to a place of instant guilt for how I acted or felt during the times of depression and just not wanting to be alive. The biggest lesson I took from this is how much we can effect people with the places we go over money. Nobody deserves to suffer especially family because of a mistake with finances. It’s just money and I get how important it is, but losing a life over it is not the way to go. The self centered actions of what can be done to the family and friends in your life is by far the worst thing you can do. I think I’m posting this as a message to all those out there that feel like ending things do to the fincial devastation please realize there is help out of the fincial problems. It may not always feel like it but there is and there’s help for the addiction as well. I think this addiction has one of the highest suicide rates from what I’ve witnessed and I just hope and pray that people will fight tooth and nail to get the proper help they need.

    • #184672
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      I loves the spiritual message and the spiritual discipline I see in your post.
      Thank you for your sharing.

      Best Wishes
      Kin

    • #185297
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      Thinking of you. I miss reading your post.

    • #185360
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi Kin thanks for your comment. I haven’t wrote here for a few weeks I just didn’t really have alot to say the last while. I’m coming up on my 2 years gamble free this month so thats pretty awesome. I thought this time of year would be a bit of a trigger for me because ive always had the scratches at xmas. And my families mostly deceased and the ones I do have I’ve let go of out of my life. But I’m doing ok surprisingly. I’m trying to just take one day at a time without thinking about being upset. I still have people in my life, I’m not alone. I have my partner even though he drives me mental at the best of times and,I have good friends.I still am working at paying my debts off which I can afford to do more than I do. Ive just been so preoccupied with saving instead. I’m still trying to get over my fear of being broke ever again. I’m fortunate I have a good paying job but I have to keep telling myself that I need to stop saving so much and just get my debt down. It’s definitely been a fight I’ve had all year with myself. I feel like I’ve achieved my goal now to what I want saved. I used a bit of it to go on a trip so I spent this last month replenishing what I spend. But this month and most of next year I plan on just hunkering down and paying off everything I owe. That’s hard for me to say but it’s the responsible thing to do and I no once its gone ill be able to just relax a bit.

    • #185575
      jasmineisme
      Participant

      Congrats on hitting that awesome 2-year mark without gambling, that’s seriously impressive! It sounds like you’re handling the holidays and family stuff like a champ. And major kudos on tackling those debts – one step at a time, you’ve got this! Wishing you all the best as you hunker down and crush those financial goals. And hey, a trip sounds like a well-deserved treat

    • #185653
      risingphoenix
      Participant

      Congrats on the 2 yr milestone! Cheers to staying gambling free. One day at a time 🙂

    • #185683
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419

      You do not share with us what to do but show us how you do it in your post.
      I always felt that it was harder, more difficult and tougher for you to achieve the same thing under your circumstances.

      But your sharing show me how you have struggle and done your best under your circumstances in your situations.
      You are someone who show me what living life on life’s term was all about
      You have shown me what progress was all about in a life full of imperfections.
      You are a true survivor! You are truly awesome!

      You are one of the very few here who understand about spirituality in recovery and have a recovery program. Many got mix up and do not understand, they think spirituality must be related to religion. I really value and treasure all your sharing in here.

      Thank you.

      • This reply was modified 5 months ago by kin.
    • #185754
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Thanks kin. Ya its not easy to express what recovery looks like through your own eyes but I’m always hoping that my own experiences can help someone else. The thing is there is no one way to do something either. I get people’s perception that one size does not fit all because it’s true. Just because I got into programs and stuff doesn’t mean it’s the only way to heal. It’s just what’s worked for me through the last 12 years of healing from my addictive issues. I no for me that connection is key.

      Last night I had my staff xmas party. It was in a pub we go to each year for it. One thing they do that irritates me is they buy a bunch of pulltabs and give them out. I was playing darts with a coworker and when I came back they had put a stack of about 10 pull tabs on my plate setting. I looked at a guy that I respected and new had kids and handed it to him and said I’m not aloud to gamble but here maybe you’ll get something for your kids. He has quit drinking but never mentioned a gambling problem at all during our time working together so I just figured he would get why I was handing them to him instead. It was an akward moment but something that I new I needed to get rid of the moment I sat down so that I wasn’t tempted. These situations happen so I had to think fast. Later that night my coworker texted me saying that they had all gone to the casino next door after to but luckily I had left early because I dont drink and people were getting stoned and drunk pretty fast. In my recovery journey I’ve learned how to just exit situations without explanation. It’s just part of the process.

    • #185759
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      Doing the right thing is always the right thing.
      good job!

      Your post reminded me

      A spiritual person will do what is right…no matter what he is told.
      A religious person will do what he is told…no matter what is right.

      Thank you for sharing.

    • #185813
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      Hope is one spiritual principle that can be given away.

      Hope is hearing others experience.

      Thank you for sharing your recovery with me.

    • #185801
      allenmorales
      Participant

      Hey folks, Allen Morales here! I’m new in this forum. I’ve had a deep love for gambling, be it ****, ****, ****, ******, or *****. But lately, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it started taking a toll on me. Online casinos used to be my escape, but now I’m seeking support and understanding from this community. I want to turn things around and find healthier ways to spend my time. If anyone has been through something similar or has advice to offer, I’m all ears.

      • This reply was modified 4 months, 4 weeks ago by Dunc.
      • This reply was modified 4 months, 4 weeks ago by Dunc.
    • #186038
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi allenmorales welcome to starting your recovery journey it’s not an easy one. The first thing I’d recommend is banning yourself from casinos both in person and online that will help remove the temptation. Put blockers on all your computer programs they’re cheap like a couple dollars a month. That’s more of a harm reduction approach to start off. Then getting help is hugely important there is gambling anonymous groups world wide and online. I personally took the approach of a gambling counselor and trauma therapist that saved my life. Addiction to anything is curable with the right mindset to do something about it. But nothing changes if nothing changes as my motto goes. Also if you choose to keep using this site we all have our own threads to. We keep ourselves accountable by each writing our journals here. This one is mine I realize I have new here as the title so for new comers it might look like a place to start posting. But there is a way for you to create your own journal that way you can post your own progress and people on here can help you through there as well.

    • #186266
      jvr3419
      Participant

      The holidays can be a huge trigger for people and it definitely is a big test for me in my recovery. The more work I’ve done on myself, the more observent I am of behaviors in others that I don’t want to be like. I spent most of my holidays with my partners family and seeing how controlling, rude, and egotistical they all were to each other made me extremely sad. I grew up with that same dynamic and it makes me sick to my stomach. I hate that humans can be so self centered. I no I had times in active addiction where my self centeredness came into play so I guess that’s why seeing the mirror of who I used to be is so upsetting to me. I can’t fallom ever wanting to go back to being that person. No amount of despair within myself makes me want to treat another human like I’m better than, or always right, or that someone else isn’t good enough. There’s this sickness in humanity that just eats at me and it’s partially why I’m so careful who I let in my life. I don’t no if it’s the world we live in now that we all are striving for some kind of sense of meaning or self actualization to an intensity that means running others over but something just feels off to me. I don’t no anyone who’s not down and out and feels depressed,anxious,or not good enough. My brain is constantly scanning the world around me which is why I tried to shut it off alot with addictions because I feel things alot, especially other people’s emotions. This I guess you can say is what happens when your not blocking yourself out with addictions or distractions. Your forced to feel every emotion, see everything around you. When we’re using distractions like being on our phones, over eating, or substances, gambling, relationships, anything really we are like a radio shut off. However when your radio attentenas sky high in the air you pick up every frequency around you it’s intense and overwhelming. But what I’m realizing is that its actually a good thing because there’s not alot of woke people anymore. There’s just alot of self centered me,me,me people walking around. If we all get lost who’s going to help others be found again is how I’m seeing it. At christmas I messaged so many people to check on them. Not one person reached out to me first. That’s how I no that the importance of me not going backwards in my recovery is crucial. There’s not enough people who live outside themselves anymore.

    • #186283
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      This is a good post.

      Thank you.

    • #186126
      fasterguitar
      Participant

      Hi folks,

      For me start talking about this its too hard. First, because english isnt my language, and second, about the terryble days i have put myself in the last month. My part of luck is that my family and wife are really helping me to get me off this, but every day my emotions try to take me down for what ive done in the past losing about 300k. But i know that i am in the correct lane. Guys lets support ourselfs to get a better Life. This gambling slots are just for who maka them. Thank You

      • #186589
        jvr3419
        Participant

        Hi fasterguitar glad you’ve joined this site. Recovery from any addiction is a very hard process so the fact that your ready to get started is a huge first step. Because your new ill explain that we make our own threads on here for ourselves. This one is mine so it works alot like a journal that people can interact with you on. You’ll have more success starting your own journal so you can write there and people can help you along your journey.

    • #186590
      jvr3419
      Participant

      So far this year hasn’t been exactly kind to me. I try to however see the positives or learning experience I’m supposed to take from every thing I go through though. As I’ve written about before that I am with another recovering addict. Which if anyone else has experienced can be really complicated at times. My partner did something really messed up around money that I had to kick him out for. It brought up alot of moments of when I was gambling and hiding the behaviors from my ex husband. What he did was forge a receipt that I submit to my benefits so that he could get back extra money. I didn’t notice it till I looked at it closely and it resembled the last receipt he submitted which was written in ink from the Healthcare provider. He lied and denied what he did and yelled at me till I got him calm enough to admit he did in fact forge the receipt. He’s not a gambler but he has issues around being the cheapest person alive. It’s a form of ocd and fear of spending money actually so the opposite of what us gamblers do. He will put people in harms way to not spend money and this is him getting to a severity of it that is addict behavior. I’m writing about my partner because it’s a prime example of what people can do when there not working a program of recovery. We may me abstinent from physical addictions but the behaviors of an addict can manifest in other ways like what he has done. That’s one thing alot of people in recovery don’t understand. You can take away the addiction but the mental crisis in your head is still there. That’s why recovery rates fail so fast because people will not work on that insanity in there head. The majority is from trauma, childhood conditioning, unlearned ways to deal with emotional regulating ect. To be decent humans it takes alot of work and growth to correct the stuff that makes us act in these insane ways. I’ve had 12 years of practice of messing up over and over again. How I was able to get my partner to admit what he did was I explained how I had to sit my ex down and tell him I had a gambling problem. Once I did that I got help and things started getting better in myself maybe not my external world so much but at least I’ve mentally got better. Honesty is the hardest thing to do when your filled with shame,guilt anger all those fun emotions we addicts can carry. I believe in forgiveness because ive had to give it to myself however I also have boundaries today. I won’t tolerate people that don’t try to help themselves I remove anyone that comes in contact with me that lives in a lower frequency. Because the saying you are what you hang with is vitally important for me to remeber. My partner has made alot of effort in his recovery this year but he’s obviously slipping which could cause me to do so if I allow him to continue his abusive behaviors to me. So for the time being I’ve removed him from my life I did it in a way that was loving and commpassionate and not just saying f you your a horrible human ect. I did it with self respect knowing that he has the ability to make the right choice like I’ve had to learn for myself on my own recovery journey. As I no about myself things don’t change if I don’t change. And that applies to anyone in my life that I surround myself with. I’ve been around negativity, and trauma bonded relationships my whole life that I’m learning to break that cycle for myself.

    • #187157
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      Thank you for sharing.

      Please keep yourself safe from harmful people, places and things.

      • This reply was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by kin.
    • #187313
      lifelinefoundation
      Participant

      Hi everyone, Kamal here, new in this forum, working as a manager in rehab centre. Thankyou

    • #187684
      jvr3419
      Participant

      A few weekends ago I had a session with my tattoo artist. I sat for 5 1/2 hours so to take my mind off the pain I downloaded candy crush onto my phone. I’m not a gamer type, I don’t have the patience for it usually. I kept playing though for a week after. I started to see that my brain was becoming hooked on this stupid game. I even bought like 20 dollars worth of stuff on it to keep playing. I realized I had to delete it right away because it was starting to become like how I was with gambling. My obsession with winning and getting the next reward was almost instant when I started playing. They purposely designed it so you have to spend money. Luckily I caught on pretty fast to see how I was starting to act. I’m mentioning this because I could see how fast these stupid games could trigger someone to want to gamble again. I didn’t luckily feel that urge but I definitely saw the pattern of how fast that high was playing. Those games are certainly designed very similar to how online slots and stuff work. I’m not beating myself up about getting hooked on candy crush for a week because even non addicts get hooked on those games. But I’m proud of myself for quitting it as soon as I saw it was consuming me to much.

    • #187745
      kin
      Participant

      A famous man’s final essay:

      “I reached the pinnacle of success in the business world. In others’ eyes my life is an epitome of success.
      However, aside from work, I have little joy. In the end, wealth is only a fact of life that I am accustomed to.

      At this moment, lying on the sick bed and recalling my whole life, I realize that all the recognition and
      wealth that I took so much pride in, have paled and become meaningless in the face of impending death.

      You can employ someone to drive the car for you, make money for you but you cannot have someone to bear the sickness for you.

      Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost – “Life”.

      When a person goes into the operating room, he will realize that there is one book that he has yet to finish reading – “Book of Healthy Life.”

      Whichever stage in life we are at right now, with time, we will face the day when the curtain comes down.

      Treasure Love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends…
      Treat yourself well. Cherish others.

      As we grow older, and hence wiser, we slowly realize that —

      • wearing a $300 or $30 watch – they both tell the same time…
      • Whether we carry a $300 or $30 wallet/handbag – the amount of money inside is the same;
      • Whether we drive a $150,000 car or a $30,000 car, the road and distance is the same, and we get to the same destination.
      • Whether we drink a bottle of $300 or $10 wine – the hangover is the same;
      • Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3000 sq ft – loneliness is the same.

      You will realize, your true inner happiness does not come from the material things of this world.

      Whether you fly first or economy class, if the plane goes down – you go down with it…

      Therefore.. I hope you realize, when you have mates, buddies and old friends, brothers and sisters, who you chat with, laugh with, talk with, have sing songs with, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven and earth, …. That is true happiness!!

      Five Undeniable Facts of Life :
      1. Don’t educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be Happy. So when they grow up they will know the value of things not the price.
      2. Best awarded words in London … “Eat your food as your medicines. Otherwise you have to eat medicines as your food.”
      3. The One who loves you will never leave you for another because even if there are 100 reasons to give up he or she will find one reason to hold on.
      4. There is a big difference between a human being and being human. Only a few really understand it.
      5. You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die. In between, You have to manage!

      NOTE: If you just want to Walk Fast, Walk Alone! But if you want to Walk Far, Walk Together!

      Six Best Doctors in the World
      1. Sunlight
      2. Rest
      3. Exercise
      4. Diet
      5. Self Confidence and
      6. Friends

      Maintain them in all stages of Life and enjoy a healthy life.

    • #188522
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey kin thanks for the last post those are good reminders.

      I’ve been doing really well. I’ve changed my diet a bit which has helped me alot lately. I’m already a vegetarian and eat pretty clean but during the winter holidays I ate a ton of sugar and it really made me feel frumpy and not so energetic. I’ve cut processed sugars out of my diet and I’ve increased my energy by 100%. I’ve been hiking an hour before work every morning. Which sometimes I regret because I work in a highly physical job but it’s worth it to feel better. The weekends I usually spend a full day exploring a new place, we have a ton of waterfalls where I live so I’ve been trying to make a goal of seeing something I haven’t on my days off. My partner is doing really well to so that part of my life is more positive which helps me alot. I started paying more debt down in the last 2 months so that’s helped me feel more confident as well. After hitting the couple year mark it’s about maintaining recovery so I no I have to be diligent and follow a healthy regime to keep me from becoming depressed and complacent. Tommorrow is my 12 years of being drug and alcohol free so im feeling a bit emotional to that but im proud ive been able to obstain this long even through my gambling mishap.

      I do need to work more on finding more positive people in my life which is a struggle sometimes. But I’m doing ok.

    • #188553
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      Thank you for this update.

      It was not easy to deal with more than one battles from different sides at the same time. I have my share and it was tough.

      You have make progress. It did not come easy. You deserve them.

      I will continue to cheer for you.

    • #189034
      jvr3419
      Participant

      The other day my sponsor called me to ask if I wanted to start another step group so I agreeded. We had started one last year but never finished it do to a death in my sponsors family. She asked me if I was willing to take a cake for my 12 years of sobriety and I said I didn’t want to. I haven’t taken one since I gambled those few years ago. She told me I still haven’t forgiven myself obviously for the behavior relapse I had during that time I started gambling. I told her I guess not because even attending meetings where my ex husband and all the people I no makes me want to run for the hills. He had told most of the people we new in the recovery community what I had done. That made it so I felt really uncomfortable in most meetings in our town. My sponsor tried to tell me that over her 20 years she’s seen so many people mess up in many different ways and that I’m not the first to fall into gambling even with long term sobriety. She hopes that doing a new full set of steps will help me to fully forgive myself. I thought I had as best I could but if I’m being really honest with myself I still hate what happened everyday. The pushing myself every single day in a job thats literally killing my body when I could of used my momey I used gambling to change careers or even travel more eats at me. I try so hard to stay positive and push past the feels of anger at myself but it seems to creep back from time to time. I don’t no if the shame ever fully goes away but I no that I manage to pull myself through better. Inam rebuilding what I lost and it’s slow as hell but at least I have savings today. I’ve been saving since the day I quit gambking and every month it grows a little bit. I haven’t touched it once in 2 years. I guess that’s the part that makes me sad sometimes is to see what was once financial freedom become me desperately trying to repair that again. I hope that doing the steps again will help me fix that broken part in me.

    • #189092
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      Thank you for your sharing.

    • #189619
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      I just wanted to drop in to say, “Thank you.”

      I was able to work on some unresolved issues in my step work recently after reading your last post.

    • #189708
      jvr3419
      Participant

      That’s great to hear Kin. I find it’s the only thing that seems to keep me in check. If I feel myself mentally slipping I no its time to start putting pen to paper. Meetings are a bandaid for me. I find that they don’t really have the affect they did when I was first starting recovery. But the stepwork helps me alot. It’s the getting out the stuff spinning in my head and finding solutions for it. The same thing therapy does more a less. Only I think that its the actual writing it out that makes it feel more released and resolved for me. I can talk till I’m blue in the face about my issues but they’re still there. I’ve had to sometimes put the same issues again on stepwork because they still manifest into my life again and that’s fine to me as long as I’m facing it.

    • #189902
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Today was a tough day of emotions. A man on my site had decided to climb up to the 5th floor of the building I work on and jump off. He was a fellow construction worker. My entire site shyt down and was in shock flooded with cops. I had a really tough time as the man dropped a few feet away outside the suite I was working in. It brought up alot of stuff for me. Mostly the empathy I have to someone being in that much pain and despair. I no when I was in my addiction and even times during my sobriety I’ve felt that low. It gave me a huge jolt today and reminded that those dark times one can go through can really destroy others around us. I literally saw over a 100 men go somber over this man jumping. I had a few hugging me for comfort being the only female around they didn’t no how to handle the sadness of seeing someone get to that point in life. I tried to comfort people but I was frozen in shock. Us addicts get to a point of just not wanting to go through pain anymore it’s why we use whatever addiction it is we have. I hate knowing that others suffer like this man. There is a way to make life more barable that I do no. Today definitely make me see I need to push harder to be positive even when I feel shitty. I don’t want anyone to ever have to take that energy of pain in for me like we all had to do today for that man. For anyone reading this there is so much help out there to never have to get to the point of what happened today.

    • #189941
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      I am so sorry to read about what happen to this man. It is so sad.
      May he rest in peace.

      I am more concern about how this incident can affect you.
      Please take care, stay safe and stay well.

    • #190245
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I feel like one thing that doesn’t get discussed alot is that every addict I’ve ever known has distinct personality changes. The Dr.jeckel Mr hyde syndrome. It doesn’t just change once you stop your addiction either alot of times it actually gets worse. There is a term used called dry drunk syndrome which can be applied to any type of addict. It’s really hard to watch it occurring with others the worse is when it happens to yourself. Because ive been in a dry drunk state before I can speak on it. When I started gambling thats when I became this other demon version of myself. I had 10 years clean and sober when I switched into this other person. It’s scary and it’s from not dealing with deep rooted psychological and emotional distress. Alot of people white knuckle recovery. And that’s when the addict person is the most dangerous. The superiority,controlling, aggression, anger,entitlement, self centeredness is at its highest at these times. Its usually like watching an adolescent try to deal with life. People around you will tell you that your harming them but you won’t listen because your stuck in this F everyone mindset. It’s terrifying to be that person because you think your fine when your really out of your mind and should be in a looney bin. I’ve been on both sides of the equation my whole life. I’ve been abused by dry drunks but also I’ve been one myself. The only thing I’ve ever seen actually keep people from switching between the demon and the good side of themselves is doing extremely thorough emotional work on themselves. Usually what I’ve seen help the most is therapy and 12 stepwork combined. Learning emotional regulation is so important to having a healthy recovery.

    • #190307
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      Thank you for sharing.
      I can tell you have done a lot of work in recovery by your posts.

      Thank you for this important piece of valuable advice when you say,

      “The only thing I’ve ever seen, actually keep people from switching between the demon and the good side of themselves is doing extremely thorough emotional work on themselves.”

    • #190310
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      It was scary to watch the Jekyll and Hyde personality
      It has happened to me and to many recovering person I know

      The familiar person you know suddenly disappear and the demon appears

      What do you think are the triggers for the Jekyll and Hyde personality?

      I can only think of 3 now

      1. substance abuse – the moment they drink
      2. mental health issues – the moment their bipolar disorder relapse
      3. stress and tension from everyday living – the moment they are stress, anxious and tense

    • #190358
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey kin ya those are definitely some key points to causing it. Id say the most prevelant thing is some form of emotional dysregulated state. Basically things that cause a distress to the deep rooted unhealed parts of ourselves. Disconnection is a huge one to. People that pull away from recovery and try to just do it without any form of help. But really it all comes down to the emotional part of our brains. That’s why there’s a huge component talked about in recovery about maintaining your emotional sobriety. People can be abstinent but there not really recovering. That’s why healing past traumas,learning to cope with difficult emotions, and learning to connect with humans is so vital for a healthy recovery. It’s hard we instinctively want to escape and not be hurt by others. The majority of people I’ve met in recovery have had extreme trust issues and have been so severely hurt by other people they’ve just learned to be on there own as a survival mechanism. But we need others.

    • #190477
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419

      Thank you for your post.
      I am so glad that I did not dismiss your post as just another ordinary sharing.
      I have found some very valuable information in your post
      They have answer a question I had for many years.

      Your post gave me a direction.
      I read up on them and learn so much on an area I know so little.
      I really appreciate your generosity and kindness to care and share your personal experience in here.

      In the meanwhile, I need more time to organize what I have learn before I can post them later.

      • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by kin.
    • #190886
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      Thank you for checking on me recently.

      Receiving support, strength and hope from others in the same village are very helpful in giving me the courage I need to pick myself up quickly and carry on with life.

      The real serious and important stuff you mentioned in recovery was on emotional dysregulation.
      I will be posting on them next.

      • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by kin.
    • #191103
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      You have done a very good job!

      When you shared about emotional dysregulation, it inspire me to seriously think about the following:

      Should I follow my heart or follow my mind or follow a Higher Power in recovery?

      What is the better way to work my recovery and repentance?

      Is admitting defeat and surrendering to my addiction enough to stay stop?

      Should I focus on victory and submitting to a Higher Power to stay stop?

      What did my Higher Power say about the heart which was driven by emotions, instincts, and desires?

    • #191180
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hi Kin those are all really good questions to ask ourselves. I’m glad to hear your looking at the things that can help you stay on the right path. Recovery is alot of constant research and learning. Even people with 20+ years are constantly learning new things and those people inspire me the most because they always have new ways or important messages to share. I was in a meeting last night where the focus was on blame. I needed to hear that we tend to focus alot on our external world for why we act as we do. When really it comes down to us making the choices we are. We can grown up in alot of trauma and disfunction but at the end of the day we choose to use our negative vices to cope. Nobody puts a gun to our head to Gamble, or use substances, or practice other bad behaviors. We addicts do that ourselves and make the choice to. I always had a reason for why I was doing what I was. Like if only I didn’t have these bad things happen, or these people didn’t hurt me the way they did or blah blah blah (insert victim mentality here). The only person to blame for anything that happens to me for the most part is me. Some things I can’t control like how others behavior or actions are but I chose how I handle those senerios at the end of the day. Do I use my addictions at it or do I chose to go about my life in recovery and face my emotions and feelings dead on.

    • #191501
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419,

      I was still addressing the same question in my journal today.

      Should I follow my heart or follow my mind or follow a Higher Power in recovery?

      What happen if my heart or my mind is not giving me the correct direction.
      Who else do I seek for correct direction?

    • #191518
      jvr3419
      Participant

      Hey Kin those are hard questions to ask ourselves. I no for me that listening to myself the majority of the time gets me in trouble. My head always steers me in the wrong direction and my heart wants to fix the world so I always get led to the places I don’t belong. The concept of something outside ourselves like a “higher power” is a tough thing for me still till this day to process managing my life. However, it’s the only time I don’t screw up in my own life when I say just let it go and I’ll usually look up and say the serenity prayer. I no that as an addict I can’t control things because my rational mind isn’t as rational as I’d like to think. I consider myself fairly intelligent,as are most addicts I no but we have a glitch inside our brains that doesn’t make good life choices. Whether it be engaging in addictions or bad behaviors to elevate uncomfortable emotional instability in ourselves.I’d always say trust your intuition though as that’s a survival button we all have for a reason. The key is surrendering control. People hate hearing that recovery jargon but it’s the truth. The only successful people I’ve seen quit there addictions are the ones that constantly surrender there unhealthy control issues. It’s hard because we’re human it’s built into our egos to have control but the spirtual aspect we adopt helps us let that part soften.

    • #191520
      kin
      Participant

      Hi jvr3419

      Thank you for sharing.

      I enjoy reading your post very much!

    • #192288
      jvr3419
      Participant

      I’ve been doing a step group for awhile now and its been nice because there’s another female that struggles with gambling. I’ve been able to help her a bit to see her behaviors through my experiences so its been nice to give back which is what recovery is ultimately about. I’m also doing a grief support group which has helped me heal alot of stuff that I needed to with losses ive endured in the last few years. I no that I can’t stay complacent in my life if there’s things that I need to work on I have to actually do that work. Sitting around just hoping things will disappear on there own just doesn’t work for me. I end up trying to escape at any level of discomfort and I usually end of destroying myself everytime. I’m so grateful for my recovery today.

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