[tarasweettara]

Hi all,
I check this site and read the posts, but this is my first time posting.

Here it goes….

I am in a bit of a panic now realizing that I am completely powerless over gambling. I always thought I was in control, but I am not. I am waaayyyyy out of control. Yesterday I got to the casino at around 11:30 AM with the intention of spending only the 150 dollars I had taken. That was gone much too fast, because I made 5 other ATM withdrawals, drained my account and left there at 3:30 AM with exactly 1 dollar to my name, half drunk, red eyed and bleary. What is wrong with me? I KNOW I’m not going to win. I KNOW that as I feed my money into those machines that it doesn’t HAVE to eventually give it back to me…I just sit there like a drone. Like the money isn’t real. Win big or go home…or lose it all and go home. Like usual.

The thing is I am a rational person. I know my thinking is distorted…I know all these things, but it’s like there are two people arguing in my head. One poking me every time I have a little bit of money “Take a risk. You can double or triple your money! You deserve a break and some fun!” and the other me that says “Pay your bills. Feed your kids. Buy yourself something pretty. Go for a walk and enjoy the fall weather”. Guess which one always wins?

I wanted to die today. And oh, I wanted to die 2 weeks ago when I did the same thing. And two weeks before that…insanity. I have no money at all. I have no credit cards for a back up. I lost my house to foreclosure and then lost my job and had to move back with my parents. I’m 39 and I’m mortified and embarrassed. I have no money for my son’s birthday party or to pay my other son back his birthday money I had borrowed. I didn’t get either one of them a gift. This makes me sad. With all the money I had spent at the casino, I could have bought them something nice. What a horrible Mother I must be. I let my kids down all of the time and it breaks my heart because they deserve so much better.

I have turned into a horrible liar. Lies upon lies. Lies to my boyfriend. Lies to my parents, to my kids, to anyone just to get some time to gamble. I’m not a liar! I hate liars, but that is what I have become. I disgust myself and don’t know why anyone even lets me around anymore. I know all this, but I also know that if I am sitting here thinking about taking my sons money from his wallet and going to the casino to win mine back that I am sick. I need help. I’m desperate. I am at my rock bottom. I have nothing and I have nothing to lose. I want a good life and to get back to just being me without this illness taking over my spirit.

I have spent all morning sobbing trying to think of what lie I can tell my mom so she will pay for my sons party this weekend. I keep thinking what if I just come clean? My Father is a compulsive gambler and I spent my childhood listening to my Mother scream at him and then watching her suffer and try to scrape up something to feed us because my Father had spent his entire paycheck. I could not fathom that. How could someone spend their entire paycheck gambling? My father was well known around the town. I never thought I would become my father. Here I am.

I called the PA 1-800-Gambler line (I have done this before) and got an appointment with a gambling counselor.(I have also done this before). I found a GA meeting close, but it is my daughters senior night so I won’t be able to go to the meeting until next week. (I have never been to GA, AA or anything of the like) The problem is i WANT to go anywhere today. I want to talk to someone today. I want someone to tell me what to do, and that it will be OK and they will care and support me. I’m in crisis mode, but I know in 2 weeks that this feeling will have faded and I will not remember how intense this emotion was. I have ended up in the psych ward after a horrible gambling binge. I was a little overdramatic, wanting to take the focus off the fact that I had just spent all the bill money…I must truly be crazy.

But, yeah. I’m done. I can not take the chaos my life has become. I can’t take not being able to provide for my kids. For losing relationships and distancing friends. I am tired and I want this chapter of my life over…onward and upwards. I am going to try the one day at a time thing and journaling.

If you read this thank you…I know it was a bit lengthy. Any words of encouragement would help so much.

[trulyshi]

Hi Tara. I agree with you about money losing its value to compulsive gamblers. It just becomes ammunition to feed our addiction. Lying is part of our makeup too, I became very good at lying in the past and even believed most of what I was telling others myself. Can you self-exclude from your gambling venue? I posted here, had one on one counselling, group counselling and attending a few GA meetings but it was banning myself from the casino that finally did the trick and allowed me some time to think about my actions and have some clarity. I also “came clean” to my friends and family regarding my addiction and their support has been wonderful. Of course, I needed to show them that I was serious about my recovery and the self exclusion helped do that. Perhaps writing down your feelings, how you feel before, during and after you gamble, will help you to remember those feelings. When you have a gambling urge, go back and read your journal here. Keep posting and go to one of those meetings as well as the counselling, it all helps. Debbie

[adele]

Hi Tara,

I’m so glad you have posted here. It’s tough to do, but you’ve done it and that’s one big step forward for you. I am not a gambler – my husband is – but I see you wanting to talk to someone or do something NOW, so I’m posting this for you. I hope it helps.

I want to encourage you to use the Helpline here. ( Just ignore this if you’re already aware of it.)

You can chat with someone live at the times listed under “Support Groups”. Just make sure your profile settings reflect the correct time zone, and you have selected either Gambler or F&F as your designation so you have access to the right groups.

You can get in to the chats by clicking on Helpline, then “join”. You must get there in the first 15 minutes of the session to join.

I hope you will try this – and soon – it will help tremendously especially while you are in “crisis mode”.

Hang in there and keep reading and posting.

Adele

[tarasweettara]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read. I think I do need to self exclude at this point. The thing that has held me back from doing that before is shame and not wanting my family to know. My father and sisters like to go and I always considered it something we could all do together. It’s no longer fun for me and not one of them know how often I was going because I was very sneaky. I really need to think about my recovery and I think self exclusion is an absolute must for me. If I did that I guarantee that would put a huge road block in my way. I would have to go to West Virginia if I wanted to gamble and that is not really an option. I am making a promise to myself that I will self exclude, go to ga and counseling and I holding myself accountable for these things.

[tarasweettara]

Thank you for the information. I have been looking around at the resources here and did try the helpline but no one was there? I did see the schedule for groups and am on a mobile device but will try again when I get back to my PC. It seems like everyone here is helpful and considerate and I am looking forward to interacting with everyone as I document my journey. My crisis mood is lifting a little and that is when I start rationalizing and romanticiZing my gambling. I really need to hold on to the feeling of this deep guy wrenching despair. I am going to write my way through it and work through these emotions this time. I am no longer allowing myself to numb my personal pain with a keno machine and a beer. Thank you again Adele.

[tarasweettara]

Thank you for the information. I have been looking around at the resources here and did try the helpline but no one was there? I did see the schedule for groups and am on a mobile device but will try again when I get back to my PC. It seems like everyone here is helpful and considerate and I am looking forward to interacting with everyone as I document my journey. My crisis mood is lifting a little and that is when I start rationalizing and romanticiZing my gambling. I really need to hold on to the feeling of this deep guy wrenching despair. I am going to write my way through it and work through these emotions this time. I am no longer allowing myself to numb my personal pain with a keno machine and a beer. Thank you again Adele.

[adele]

Tara,

I understand it is important to remember the despair in order to work through the inevitable urges (and the rationalizing / romanticizing) and it sounds like you are formulating a plan for when that happens … good for you. If one thing doesn’t work try another.

I think anyone that’s done it has said that self-exclusion was, at one time or another, the only thing that kept them from gambling . It allowed them time to ‘rethink’ their pressing thoughts to gamble. I hope to read tomorrow night that you have done this – for your sake of course.

If no one was in the chat room, you must have logged in to the un-moderated chat room. If you notice on the schedule under “Support Groups”, the Un-moderated chat rooms are available after 6 pm. Anyone can join when they’re open, but unfortunately it is hard to catch someone there.

All of the groups before 6 pm will have a GT facilitator available to chat with, along with any other eligible members that happen to jump in. Gamblers (designated in your profile) can’t join the Friends and Family group chats and vice versa. Both can join the Community groups. Things said in these group chats remain private.

The Live Advice Helpline is usually open in the mornings (mornings here at least) and it is available to anyone. However, it is a one-to-one chat with a GT advisor, so you may get right in or you may have to wait until an advisor is available. Maybe you could give this a shot in the morning?

I hope this helps.

Adele

[vera]

Welcome to GT, Tara!
You took a brave step in coming here. Once a compulsive gambler crosses the line there is no going back. I am a CG and have tried every trick in the book, to gamble normally, to win my money back, to go just for fun or to relax, but sadly it doesn’t work that way. The Hand of Fate has dealt us a “trick card”, Tara which means only one thing. As CGs we are doomed! We will lose every time we gamble, no matter how much we win.
Recovery, one day at a time is the only option.
I hope you have better luck in recovery than you had gambling.
(PS I hope you get money from somewhere to give your kids their birthday treats. Maybe it’s not good advice but I often borrowed money rather than deprive my kids of presents etc. Why should they suffer because of our selfishness!)

[Dunc]

Hi Tara, A Warm Welcome to Gambling Therapy

Having found us you have also found a diverse community who can help and support you on your recovery journey.

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and non-judgemental environment and by reading others stories am sure you will see that you are very much not alone in this addiction

To chat with others in real time you may wish to make use of the support groups, the times of these groups are advertised under the Support Group link either at the top of the page or the Group Times Button on the home page

For one to one chat you may want to try the live advice helpline. Click the Helpline Link on the top menu or the “Open” symbol when this option is available.

As we have redesigned the site and changes are still being made Ive not as yet put together a comprehensive user guide. For the mean time we have a user guide page that may help.

Take Care

Harry

[tarasweettara]

The gambling and alcohol binge fog is lifting somewhat. My initial crisis feeling is subsiding and I was able to get some much needed rest. I came to see my boyfriend he is living back I’m our foreclosed house and I feel like a squatter. He has nowhere to go right now and no money to get an apartment. He is a trigger for my gambling big time. We have been living together for five years and he has almost zero take home income because he is still paying alimony and a ridiculous amount of child support. For our entire relationship I have had to take care of all of the household expenses from my less than 40k a year job and I deeply resent him for not being able to provide anything for me at all. He will not go back to court and he will not confront his ex about the divorce. At one point he had a six figure job and he lost it and now makes less than 40k but is still paying her the same amount. If I say anything he gets infuriated and calls me awful names or says things like “you are such a loser why don’t you go spend all of our money at the casino and try to blame me”
When we lost the house and I lost my job and moved to my parents he went back to his ex wife. This crushed me. Instead of sticking with me and figuring out what we were going to do he just went back so he could keep his money and see his kids. He was only there for a month and he begged me to be with him again and made a huge mistake. I took him back but I am still angry at him and I am having a hard time letting go of the hurt and pain he caused me. My gambling increased 10 fold after this .
My daughter went to live with my sister. She is a senior this year and busy with all of her activities and friends and my parents did not have room. She is happy and well adjusted there but I can’t shake the feeling that I am a loser and I have abandoned my own daughter .
I churn these feelings around and around and although I finally think I realize that I’m not going to hit a jackpot and make everything better(get a house,get her a car, get my life straightened out) the gambling started to become something to just numb my pain. Make me not feel. I realized this when I had won over 1000 dollars and stayed there all night and spent it all back. It’s not really about the money at all.
Today I am meeting my old coworker for breakfast. I told her I had no money and she really wanted me to go and she insisted she will pay. Ugh. I have exactly 4.00 in change for gas and this must last me for 2 weeks. I have no one to borrow from and I have nothing to sell or pawn. I can’t ask my parents as they have been kind enough to provide food and shelter when I could not.
Hoping that this new counselor will be able to help me. But I don’t see her until next Sunday.
I’m going to just survive and push through these weeks until I can see her.

[cat438]

I read your posts and could hear the despair in them. You have made an important first step by posting here and reaching out to others. I think most of us here understand the despair you describe. I would encourage you log on to the Live help line as I know for me that was my first step on my recovery journey. I am so proud of you for coming here and reaching out for support. It is not easy to admit that our life is in turmoil with gambling and that we have become this person we don’t recognize. You can do it Tara one day at a time!!! You deserve the life you want. Keep posting your thoughts and feelings as that helps so much.

[tarasweettara]

I finally got through to the live help and it gave me such a boost. i feel so much hope coming here, that i’m not alone. I have felt alone in this addiction for so long even though I have been surrounded by wonderful friends and supportive family, I have never been able to totally open up. I felt like I couldn’t talk about it. That they all think I am so strong and capable and hard working. I was always the one everyone went to for strength and help. I feel like it would be such a let down to all of them if they really knew. I hope I am not overposting here..but I feel like just writing is helping me so much right now.
I have $4.00 in my wallet today to last me 2 weeks. I stopped at the little store because my other entity was saying “Take that $4.00 and buy some scratch offs, maybe you will get a big winner!” I stopped and looked at that machine and then I walked right back out. My true self came through and told me “What on earth are you thinking? That $4.00 is a kings ransom right now and you are going to need it to be able to pick up your son from his track meet”. It worked. today. Normally I would have thrown caution to the wind and just bought them. I won a small, but important battle with myself today. To some it may seem insignificant but that was a huge test in will power for me.
I used to write poetry and participate in an active forum for writing and critique. As my gambling escalated, so did my passion for anything. I stopped writing. I stopped going to college. Today I just completed my re-entry packet to go back to school and finish my education. Today I wrote a poem. It’s not very good, but I am a little rusty. Gambling drained my spirit. Hopefully I can return to my old self little by little and start finding joy in the little things again.

[adele]

Tara!

I am in a rush .. but had to post this to you.. forgive the chopping please.

HOORAY for getting in to the Live Advice line – do that as often as you need to!

You will NEVER over post here.

BIG victory over the beast in turning away from the machine – certainly not insignificant in anyone’s estimation on this site.

Lastly, I’d love to read your poem. We have a Poetry forum where you could post it .. hint hint …

Keeping working hard Tara, you’re doing great.

Adele

[trulyshi]

Tara, I’m so very proud of you. Walking away from an urge is a very hard thing to do in the beginning and YOU DID IT. If you are able to find my old thread “A New Life” please give it a read when you have the time. I was in a mentally and financially abusive relationship and even though it was apparent to others, I chose not to see it or accept it. Today is my birthday and one year ago today I was thrown out of my “home” since my common-law found a younger woman with more money. He constantly threw my gambling in my face and yet enabled me to gamble because it kept him in control and held me hostage to the relationship. What a difference the past year has made to my recovery and my self-worth. Hindsight is a sad thing, but I no longer look back, I only look ahead to the future and it’s bright. Adele is right, you cannot overpost here, keep those thoughts flowing. Congratulations on your return to school, you deserve good things. Be selfish, Tara, and think of yourself. Most CG’s are co-dependant and think of others first and put their own needs on hold. Bettie, on this forum, is a wonderful source of information on co-dependency and has helped me immensely in my recovery. Read her thread when you have time. Take care and keep up the good work, Debbie

[tarasweettara]

I have been reading like crazy on here and I can’t believe that I waited so long to come here! I do know about co-depency and I do know that it applies to me. That is a behavior I need to work on.

[tarasweettara]

I have no money to buy my daughter flowers for her senior night tonight. I am going to be there to walk her out on the field and hopefully that is what will matter to her.
I had an interview today. it was a company that I had been to before and they called me last minute this morning. I went in and they offered me a job in a management role but they don’t pay anything! I loved it there though, the people were nice, the environment was top notch and I felt very welcome. It is close and I think I will love it…it’s just the money. It is a growing company so there will be room to grow and they will give me an increase in January. I think I’m going to take it. I need to work. I have never been out of work and this has given ample free time that I do guess what with? Gamble. The less free time the better.
I am worried about my backround check. Almost 2 years ago I got a DUI, 1st offence. I was employed at the time for another company but now this new company will have to run a backround check to hire me. I’m terrified that this will stop me from getting the job. That is the only thing on my record and I am truly ashamed of it.
I’m stressing, but hopeful. With working, school and the kids I will be really busy. If I can stay on track, I can hopefully get my own place in a few months.
Feeling OK.

[trulyshi]

Try not to stress about the DUI, what will be will be. If you are meant to have this job then it will happen, regardless of your record. Congratulations, by the way. With regards to co-dependency, Melody Beattie has written some terrific books, many are available at the library. I learned a lot from them, check it out. Deb

[tarasweettara]

i went to see my daughters play today. she was the lead this year and she was awesome! my mom paid for me and the kids to get in, because im broke. tomorrow i am taking my daughter to visit a college and have no gas money, so my mom is letting me use her car. i’m so ashamed…but so thankful. my mom is retired and on a fixed income and i feel horrible. all i keep thinking is “i’m gathering 5 dollars and going to the casino to play my free play.” really tara? really. i didn’t. i don’t want to. i’m at such a low right now i cant even buy a loaf of bread. i want a new brain.

[adele]

Hi Tara,

How are you doing? Haven’t seen you post in a few days.

It’s good good that you are trying to stay involved your kids lives by going to plays, looking at colleges, etc. It may feel somewhat disingenuos because you haven’t managed to provide the funds for such things, but I think the more room you make in your brain for the really important and meaningful things in your life (like your kids, your parents, GA, counseling, the healthy things you like to do), the less room there is in there for thoughts of gambling. And I believe the brain begins to change as the “stinking thinking” is crowded out. I’m seeing this in my husband since he has been home and away from any oppertunity to gamble this last 7 weeks.

Have you heard anything on the job you applied for? You are intelligent and articulate – someone will be lucky to have you!

Tara, you seem to have a genuine and strong desire to want to rid your life of the active addiction to gamble, and you have so many good reasons to do so. I hope you are still reading here every day and bit by bit seeing your way to a path of recovery.

I know the challenges you face every day with your father and sisters being entrenched in their own addictions must seem hugely overwhelming , especially when you try to think of yourself as being completey removed from that world. But there must be healthier ways to have them in your life outside the casinos.

What do you see as your biggest challenge Tara? Is it payday? Or your sister saying “lets run over to the casino for a little fun?”

I know you have been reading on this site extensively … have you learned about any barriers that others have implemented that might be helpful to you?

Please don’t ever give up on yourself. You are important. And I think you have it in you to do this.

Adele

[tarasweettara]

Thank you for your encouragement. I am so glad to have found this site. I am here today instead of gambling my last few dollars away (Change i found in my purse to get gas). I had a really great group chat just a bit ago and I feel better. My romantic thoughts of gambling today have subsided, and soon my children will be home and we will be trick or treating. So I have no time for gambling today. That is today. I am going to need the most support when I get paid next week. I do not want another 2 weeks with all of my money fed into those evil machines. Wasted hours, tears and regret. I keep thinking of how I felt like that and would rather die than face my truth. This site has been an eye opener and a lifesaver.

[trulyshi]

Hi Tara. I remember well the days of digging in my purse for change because the bank account was empty. I would imagine we all here have done that. Something that you said jumped out at me “So I have no time for gambling today”. Perhaps that is one of your answers – keep busy, fill up your time with things that will keep you busy. I used to call friends and tell them I was coming over right after work and to hold me accountable for that and to guilt me out if I tried to make excuses for not coming. Plan home movie nights or game nights with the kids and tell them about it ahead of time so you will feel guilty if you disappoint them. I don’t know where you live, I live in Canada, and we have a Tax Free Savings Account here that once you have put your money in it is a real pain in the butt to get it out, you have to go into the bank to transfer it and it takes 24 hours. Something like that will stop and make you think before you head to a gambling venue. Banning myself was the final thing I did that really worked for me, I could not risk entering the casino because I would have lost my job if I had been charged with trespassing. You have tons of support here, Tara, but ultimately it is your choice and only you that can make the decisions that will aid in your recovery. Stop thinking of the wasted hours, tears and regrets and move forward with life, don’t waste another minute of dwelling in the past. YOU CAN DO IT. Debbie

[tarasweettara]

Debbie, Thank you for the insight. Accountability to myself, my friends and my family is something I need. I was getting so tired of making up outrageous stories; taking vacation days from work and not telling anyone; having my friends or family need to get in touch with me and me not answering because I was too busy gambling, or I didn’t want them to know where I was. It was a lot of work. It exhausted me. Today my sister and brother-in-law are off from work. My sister wanted me to come to the casino with them. I told her i had no money. She said she would give me some, because it is her birthday and she wanted me there. I said no. Normally my urge would win out and I would be there right now. Instead I organized my wardrobe for going back to work on Monday. The nerves of starting this new job are killing me and I am proud that I did not go and gamble to relax. I know if I keep up with this way of thinking I will be OK. The problem is being accountable when I have money. I am actually afraid to get paid sometimes.

[charles]

Hi Tara,

it’s obviously up to you how much you tell anyone but i would say that it is very important to tell people that you have decided to stop gambling for whatever reason. if you just make an excuse each time then there is no reason for people to stop asking you the next time they go. A couple of ” I don’t gamble anymore, I’m not interested” and people soon stop asking. Very few people know that I ever had a gambling problem or that I go to GA, everyone now just thinks i don’t gamble.

[adele]

Hi Tara,

Congratulations on getting the job. I know that is a relief for you, and at the same time causes anxiety .

So I am just following up on something Debbie said about putting a barrier in place that would force you to stop and think before you ‘feed your money into those evil machines’ (as you say).

Have you given thought to that – or better, have you put up a barrier between your money and the casino? I wondered if maybe your mom could help you in this regard – I know she’s done this for herself over the years.

I hope to hear things are going well for you, and that you are telling your sister that you don’t gamble anymore.

Adele

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