[madge456]

I feel like i can’t do this anymore either. So tired of wondering what’s the truth and what’s not…over our 20 year marriage we have gone thru so many things – mental illness being just one of them. He is a good man – would do anything for me or our 3 young kids – but i am so tired of the LIES! no matter how many times he says he thru lying, he does it again..
Yes, he is in therapy – we have been to therapy countless times together too – I’ve had a therapist for years (I am actually a therapist myself, believe it or not!). He has been to SA and now says he’ll go to GA – but how can i trust him again?? He has been going to the casino instead of work – luckliy he is smart enough to still get his work done so they don’t know (yet). He met some other gambler and has been meeting up with him to gamble too…
I am thinking about secretly putting a GPS tracker on his car – i feel like I cant trust him no matter what he says -i need to know he is not lying to me otherwise how can i stay with him??I feel like i can’t do this anymore either. So tired of wondering what’s the truth and what’s not…over our 20 year marriage we have gone thru so many things – mental illness being just one of them. He is a good man – would do anything for me or our 3 young kids – but i am so tired of the LIES! no matter how many times he says he thru lying, he does it again..
Yes, he is in therapy – we have been to therapy countless times together too – I’ve had a therapist for years (I am actually a therapist myself, believe it or not!). He has been to SA and now says he’ll go to GA – but how can i trust him again?? He has been going to the casino instead of work – luckliy he is smart enough to still get his work done so they don’t know (yet). He met some other gambler and has been meeting up with him to gamble too…
I am thinking about secretly putting a GPS tracker on his car – i feel like I cant trust him no matter what he says -i need to know he is not lying to me otherwise how can i stay with him??yikes

[madge456]

Hi all
Thank you Building for your post – I agree that the addiction model can easily switch favorites – food one minute, *** another – at least in my husbands case. He has not gambled online in over a week (he committed to not do it), we have seen his psychiatrist twice and added a new med (naltrexone – supposed to help curb urges), seen his therapist ,etc. He was very active (as opposed to his usual passive self) today in calling ALL his old therapists (quite a long list I ****** you!) to see what they recommend he do in terms of the next step of treatment…They almost all unanimously said that inpatient rehab is a waste of money because you are out of your environment, etc etc… I have no idea if inpatient would help him or not but I know what we have been doing for the past 20 years (meds, multiple therapists, couples counseling, etc) has not worked. He admitted himself he has been jerking all these therapists around all these years. He is super smart (like genius IQ) and easily manipulates others. He said he is too scared to deal with all the **** inside of him but I told him he ***** to find an inpatient or residential treatment program or he ***** to move out. I have been so sad, crying non-stop that I basically can’t function – I got lost going home today because my mind is so “not there” – as I’ve said before, i don’t want to ruin my kids lives but I feel like my life is now on the line – I can’t function like this – I feel like my arm has gangrene on it and even though I don’t want to cut off my arm, I have to to save my life..He said he is committed to doing whatever he ***** to to save our marriage – let’s see about that…
We are looking into partial hospitalization program near where we live – it focuses on CBT – cognitive behavioral therapy – it is for 2 weeks (not long enough in my opinion). Does anyone know if this type of treatment might help someone with addictions?? I have always believed in a more psychodynamic insight oriented model in terms of getting to the root of the problem, but he has had years of insight-oriented therapy and did basically nothing with it. His psychiatrist says he thinks there is something wrong with the frontal lobe of his brain because he has issues with social judgement and Asperger-type traits and that he may not be able to actually DO insight oriented therapy…
So, my questions are many: 1) How do I not “get my hopes up?” 2) What happens if he goes to rehab and is still the same?? 3) is it even worth spending major money in rehab to see if he can be saved? I feel so sad and hopeless – and I miss my husband – I miss being with him, miss having fun with him, I feel like he ****…. I wish we could be intimate again but I feel like that would give him the wrong message that everything is all right when clearly it is not….
Any suggestions? You all have been so helpful – Every day for me is like torture and I need it to stop…. 🙁

[berber]

Hi Madge,
I hope you are having a good day. When I read about people advising against inpatient-treatment, I was a bit surprised. My husband went away to another continent for 9 weeks and it has helped him/us tremendously. He came back as ‘another person’ – no more gambling and ready to start living his life! Now, he’s been back for almost 3 months and it’s still a long road to recovery for us, but we are dealing with it 1 day at a time. I struggle with the fact that I have not been away for 9 weeks, and I have not changed dramatically. I still doubt his words, actions and rebuilding the trust that was lost is very difficult for me.
Best,
Berber

[monique]

Dear Madge
When I read your latest post, it just cried out to me that YOU need so much to be looked after and cared for yourself.  And, as so many of us have discovered, the main person who can start that caring is YOU, yourself. Yes, with support – as much of that as possible – but starting with YOU centring on your own *****.  What are they and how can they be met?
I hasten to add that I can see you ARE doing so much already, for yourself and your children, but what is coming across is that there is still such a strong focus on getting it right for your husband.  All those questions which probably cannot be answered in advance.  You have probably tried it already, but can you truly hand over responsibility for the addiction treatment to HIM?  Of course, support him, but it somehow feels like you are still carrying the mental and emotional burden of how? what? when? etc, which could be left in his court.
I don’t know if residential rehab would be his best choice – but what I hear is that he has had multiple interventions, is still in touch with a number of therapists and admits to having messed around with them??  One view about therapy is that it is not always the specific TYPE of therapy or particular therapist that matters (as long as they are well-trained, know their stuff, work ethically etc), but the vital thing/the thing that WORKS, is the committed relationship between the client and his therapist.  Seeking advice from multiple professionals can be a way of avoiding commitment to the actual therapeutic work.
You don’t want to lose the dream of happy marriage and family – but that dream is NOT currently coming true in your life.  The horrible gangrene you need to cut out of your life is the addiction(s) and not necessarily your husband; only you can decide how you can cut out the gangrene – and maybe you are not ready to make any decision just yet.  But you cry out that every day is torture for you, so please concentrate on ways of removing that torture and making YOUR life more comfortable and bearable.  Can you dare to forget all about your husband for a while and let your imagination flow widely and creatively – what could you do, find, be, that would get you to a different place within your own mind and emotions?  As others have said, your children will ‘know’ in some way that things are not right and sensing that you are no longer being tortured can only feel good for them too.
If things feel so bad that you feel paralysed, I apologize for so much ‘urging’ in this post – sometimes the first step can be turning to someone you really trust, opening your heart and saying ‘please do …….. for me’ (just to get you started).
I am a bit anxious that this post does not sound empathic but rather bossy and directive – that is not the intention;  I have heard your cries and wanted to respond.
By the way, the cg I love, my son, has had a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (as a young adult), so I am aware of the difficulties there can be in working out which symptom comes from what, but I have also learned here that symptoms of addiction and symptoms of AS are, in part, somewhat similar.  I also feel that the active addiction can only spell disaster, whereas AS could be a manageable aspect of who he is, if the addiction is not active.
All good wishes,
MoniqueKeep hope alive.

[madge456]

Monique:
Your post made me cry – I will respond more fully later but I wanted to thank you – thank you for your caring, for your advice and kindness…you asked me what my ***** are and how to fill them? I asked myself that question and I am so far, far removed from that my answer to myself was “i don’t even know…”…so very sad indeed… I have all but disappeared in my own life..
More later..
love to all who have been so supportive of my struggle..
XOXO

[nomore 56]

Hi Madge, I read your posts and can relate to a lot of what you said. Just want to respond re inpatient treatment. It is very common for cgs to manipulate and fool their therapists. My hb did just that for many years. Maybe sharing his treatment history will give you a tiny bit of insight. He completed two inpatient programs, both lasted 30 days and were based on the traditional approach for addiction treatment. He says today that he said all the right things and did what was expected cz he quickly figured out how to pretend and to please the counselors. Nothing really sank in though according to him. It did not help of course that he went to treatment both ***** because I had given him an ultimatum. Before he went the second time, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on meds. Nothing changed in re to his addiction though. After relapsing the last time I decided that I was done for good and this time the decision to go to inpatient treatment was his own, finally. He spend 120 days in a facility that was specialized in cg treatment and the program was based on CBT. For him, this was the turning point. It took him a while but he embraced the therapy full heartedly this time. I can only speak for him but CBT really did the trick for him and he swears by it because he says that it completely changed his thought process and he learned how to change his pattern. Actually he also says that being away from his environment helped him a great deal. The counselors dug deep into all the issues that led him to develop the addiction in the first place and that was a big part in the recovery process for him. He also has a very high IQ and understanding what was going on with him was important. Cgs are some***** diagnosed with bipolar disorder because the addiction presents itself with severe **** swings. Being bipolar in the first place does not help when it comes to gambling because of the brain chemistry that affects people in a similar way. As for my hb, he never took another medication ever since his treatment started and he is fine now. It is a hard road to travel for everyone and every person is different. You might want to check out a gambling counselor named Chris Anderson on the net. He lives in Chicago I believe and I had the chance to listen to one of his presentations at a work shop for gambling counselors here in WA. He is a recovering gambler himself and he had some very amazing things to say about cg and therapy. Another thing you can look into is your state’s Council on Problem Gambling. These councils are a great source for all kind of information and help available in your area. Take good care of yourself and your kids, you guys should come first 🙂

[monique]

Hi Madge. We often lose ourselves like this. I hope you can give yourself quiet moments now that you have recognized this, to really listen to your own mind, body and emotions; then you may find that you start getting to know yourself and your *****. Let the tears flow if necessary; I hope smiles will start to come too – give yourself time; be gentle with yourself. Monique.

[velvet]

Dear Madge
CGs generally need to be smart to stay on top of the manipulation game although given time the addiction unravels even the highest IQ.   Unfortunately the addiction to gamble doesn’t give off signals like alcoholism or **** addiction.  A CG doesn’t fall over, there are no needles, no ***** and their eyes are not spaced out.    It is because of this that they are able too fool so many counsellors and therapists who have never dealt with this particular addiction.   A CG doesn’t set out to fool – it is part of the addiction that they are capable of doing so well but a large part of the blame, in my opinion, is the inability of those who ‘should’ understand and recognise the symptoms and who are totally untrained.  
Removing CGs from the environment where their addiction has flourished is, in my opinion, based on all the evidence I have seen, very good.    It is very hard for a CG to change their life when the everyday world around stays the same – removing them from that world allows them to focus their minds.   I think it is very disappointing to hear such negativity from people your husband has talked to.   If everything he has been doing for 20 years has not worked – it makes sense to try something new.  
Everything you have expressed I understand – the loss of a loved one is unbelievably painful but worse still is the loss of self because it takes away the ability to cope.   I remember being unable to sign my name without making an error, inviting people round and then calling it off, forgetting where I was going and what I was doing.   I was even tested for Alzheimer’s disease because I believed I was lost and I thought it was best to remove me from the world rather than inflict that illness on those I loved.  
Hold on to the knowledge that you are worthwhile, you are unique and you are strong inside.   Dig deep and know that you are still here, necessary to your children and you have an important role to fulfil.  
I saw rehab as a break for me because I had no hope in anything anymore.   None of us can ‘know’ what will happen but if we do nothing, then nothing will happen,   Rehab and CBT has changed lives and it changed my CGs and mine.  
I cannot know if it is true of your husband but many CGs are wrongly diagnosed as Asperser sufferers and it does make it harder for those who love them to know which way to turn first.
It is hard to answer your questions because we can only offer support – we cannot tell you what to do but I believe we have to have hope and worrying about what would happen ‘if’ rehab didn’t make a difference is a worry too many. 
Your husband admits he is scared to deal with the **** inside him and this is something that I don’t think we can understand but there are those who can.   There are skilled counsellors who can open a person up and let the **** out – but have the ability to close them again.   Your husband does have to ‘want’ to deal with the **** inside him or CBT and rehab cannot work – this is usually the difference between a successful controlling of addiction or not.   A rehab cannot make it happen – there is no magic pill – they do need the addict to be dedicated and determined and then they can work with them – I hope that makes sense.    
I came up against negativity everywhere in the doctors and counsellors I met but finally with the right counsellors in the rehab my CGs changed his life.  
I am not sure your husband can find the right place for himself but maybe you could.   Find out all you can about the hospital that offers a CBT programme.   Knowing what you know now maybe you can ascertain if they are the right place for your husband.
Don’t accept negativity from professionals – somebody, somewhere is the right person for your husband.  
Keep posting, keep talking.   It is an uphill struggle and you are right – the torture for you has to stop.  
I took my CG to the rehab.  I was told I was treating him like a child, that I was doing it wrong again – but I am glad I walked that last mile.   I feel from your post you can walk one more mile with your husband and as long as you want to make that walk I will hold your hand and walk with you.  
Yes, you have to look after yourself first.   Yes – if you don’t look after you, then you will struggle to cope but you have coped so far and you have coped well. 
The biggest weapon in the hands of an addiction is the mind of the victim.   Free your mind.   ‘Know’ that you are in control of ‘your’ life and that there is always hope.
You are not lost Madge.   I can see you as clearly as anything.   You are doing well – you are functioning – you are still here. 
Velvet
 
 
 
 

[madge456]

Hi again – quick reply as the kids are waiting on me – But I wanted to thank everyone for posting and contributing…Velvet I really resonated with what you said about being lost – You don’t know me but I am a very strong person and I have NEVER had a time in my life where I felt so lost. Like I said physically getting lost, not knowing where I am, forgetting about where/what I am supposed to be doing. That is not me. I feel like another person – I told my husband he has destroyed me – I feel destroyed.
I feel like if he goes away to rehab it will be good for me too – to try and get MY life on track, to try and find me again. I think it will be good for both of us. When we started talking about rehab my husband seemed unaffected by the idea all together – like he was almost planning a vacation! When I told him how much money it would cost, THEN he freaked out! Can you imagine that you are most freaked out by the cost than by the actual truth that you are destroying your life??? That was unbelievable to me…his coping mechanism again I suppose…
Berber and Nomore – I wanted to thank you for your amazing support and to ask the names of the rehabs your CG’s went to?? The problem we are having is finding “the right” place for him to go. The place locally which is very good, the CBT program is a partial program – you go all day and come home at night – and it is only for 10 days! I don’t think that is enough, do you???
We both want, I think, something at least 30 days where my husband can really “dig in” and rip open all the **** he has inside of him – and that takes time. I know he is afraid but I also think there must be someone/someplace out there that can help him…He says he is “emotionally constipated” I haven’t even seem him cry or express any sadness over what he has done – he uses the words that he is sorry, but his affect is blank…that in and of itself is very sad…
I am trying to get ahold of myself for my kids and myself. It is hard to spend time with my husband as I am so sad, angry, resentful, etc…but I told him if he is COMMITTED to working it out, I will stick by him. He says he is…
What would really be helpful are names of any rehabs for addiction (*** addiction, food addiction, gambling..he has them all) in the US – doesn’t matter to me where they are – it’s easy enough to get on a plane. I think a combo of CBT and insight oriented therapy would be good – but I also agree with you Velvet and everyone else that if you don’t WORK THE PROGRAM, nothing good will come of it….
We are going for an interview for the partial program near us just to see but my gut tells me 10 business days of treatment is not enough to undo 47 years of ****….
Peace to all…more later…
XOXOLucky me…..

[nomore 56]

Hi Madge, I talked to my hb today and here is some info you might find useful. The treatment center where he finally started his recovery is called A Soberway Home. They are located in AZ. I cannot copy the url from my computer, for some reason it never works. Their phone # is 877-917-6237. What I find very encouraging is that they have a program for cgs, based on CBT, which according to my hb meant for him to gain a lot of insight re all the issues he never really connected to his addiction. They also address dual diagnosis, as in multiple addictions and have mental health professional staff as well. It is an inpatient treatment where the patients basically learn how to live without gambling. As in basic skills from shopping for food to cooking their own food and taking care of their apartments. Might sound childish but is also very important. The counselors always emphasize that the addiction ***** to be treated first before mental health issues are addressed. The patients are told that it takes a minimum of 70 days to really truly commit to recovery. Like I said, every person and situation is different. What worked so amazingly well for my hb after over 40 yrs of gambling might not work for others. You might also be interested in the fact that the counselors work with the family back home as well. There are phone sessions and three way calls and such. I can only tell you what my hb had to say about the program of course, so it is 3rd hand info of course. But maybe worth a try. It is very hard to find the right counselor and/or the right treatment approach and I hope for you that you are successful. I can relate to most of what you post and wish you all the luck in the world.

[madge456]

NOMORE: thanks for the info – I will look into it – I wish my hubby would be more involved looking into places, but hasn’t done much yet….to be continued…i am just so tired, I don’t know how I am going to get thru today……

[madge456]

Originally posted by berber
Hi Madge,
I hope you are having a good day. When I read about people advising against inpatient-treatment, I was a bit surprised. My husband went away to another continent for 9 weeks and it has helped him/us tremendously. He came back as ‘another person’ – no more gambling and ready to start living his life! Now, he’s been back for almost 3 months and it’s still a long road to recovery for us, but we are dealing with it 1 day at a time. I struggle with the fact that I have not been away for 9 weeks, and I have not changed dramatically. I still doubt his words, actions and rebuilding the trust that was lost is very difficult for me.
Best,
Berber
HI
just wondering if you would share with me the treatment facility your hubby went to? We are struggling to find “the right” place for my hubby to go and I am scared stiff…
xx
Madge

[aching heart]

Hi madge spoke to u earlier… I can most certainly identify with everything ur saying as I am in d middle of it… Like I said John is out of the house since last wk I’m using this time to rebuild myself which is hard in itself … I use this site to vent as ur d only ppl that truly no wats going on … I no John will be crawling begging in next couple of wks this is where I need help to plan how to stay strong as my normal cycle is to take him back unfortunately I’m in a position that both of us own the house n John manipulates by saying ” he not staying away as its is house too” I dunno where I stand with regards to this any advice anyone…. I too am torn by my heart as I had a dream family n still want it n so hard to let go of this but I no at this point that I’m so weak n exhausted to get my family bk I need to b strong for every1 involved .., I dunno wat d outcome of my actions will be I’m hoping to return to a family with John it n terrified it won’t happen but it’s a chance I have to take… At the minute I have very little contact with John which is killing me as I’m usually stalking him as we doi know if I ring him r talk to him for while I will slip bk into my nagging etc I work overnights n John minds my boys in d family home dunno no if this right r not but he has no where else to take them n I think it’s best for d boys to b in their home d last few days my 3 yr old is asking lots of innocent questions is daddy coming home where’s daddy can we collect daddy from work etc etc this is upsetting me he’s 3 n shouldn’t b feeling this…. Rant over xx

[madge456]

AH – so sorry – I do understand but like so many others have said to me you need to take care of yourself and forget about John. He will take care of himself. You can encourage him to get help but you cant make them… My hubby is willing to get help but i think he is treating it like a vacation – he said “yeah, sure I could get away..” – some of these rehabs ARE like vacation spots (“we start our day with a healthy organic breakfast and yoga…”) – yikes! Makes me feel like I should go to rehab! I am not sure how serious he is taking the whole thing – after all, he is still in the house with us, has his job (dont know how??) etc…but the kids must know something is wrong since ive been like a zombie the past few weeks – I want to help him get help but ultimately the work is his to do – I told him I will not take responsibility for his addictions – Even if he says Im bossy, etc I told him there are ways to handle things and running away gambling, (and other things he does) isn’t a mature way to handle these issues….It is so hard bc sometimes I feel like I am talking to a rational person and then I realize as he tries to justify it all away, that he is NOT rational – he is sick – Like you, from what I read, I MISS my husband – we get along so well, have such a great relationship in the sense of how we get along, have fun together etc.. A few months before I found out (the latest) set of lies, we took a 4 day trip to Paris – was FABULOUS! Stayed in nicest hotel, limos galore, dinners, romantic walks along the Seine…etc. It was lovely. He kept saying to me “you could do so much better than me, I don’t deserve you…” now looking back it was the LIES that were eating at him – 3 years worth this time – I feel these past 3 years have just been so **** – and how do I know if there are MORE lies??? How can I ever trust him again??? It is so hard….
I feel your pain for your kids – I am there too – but right now I am literally trying to stay alive every day. I feel so SAD and dont know how we will EVER dig our way out of this….
Love to you all…suffering in solidarity..
xx

[aching heart]

Heard a lovely quote today……….
The 3 c’s of life…. Choices, chances, changes
You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.******
I like this n makes a lot of sense to me n trying to live by this motto… Madge it’s so hard living like this to feel used abused rejected by someone u love… With the help from everyone else here we will get through this eventually let’s hope it doesn’t take too long …
Velvet / monique u will b glad to
Know I took ur advice taken a bit of me time b4 I go to work today I went to get my hair done n I’m looking into getting myself a new little car it’s about time I focus on me ***

[velvet]

Hi Madge
Seems to me that your husband is ‘hoping’ that rehab is easy – I know the one my CG went into was certainly not a vacation.   I wonder if this is a smoke-screen so you don’t take it seriously – after all who wants someone who has been wrecking their lives to go and have a vacation – he is possibly hoping you will forget the idea. 
The attitude of the CG matters – they do have to want to change but your husband’s inner self may be different to what he says to you.    I have known CGs who have not told their loved ones of their desire to change because their loved ones have heard it all before – they don’t want to risk ‘another’ public failure.   Nobody can know when real control starts, not the non-CG or the CG.  
Standing up for your own life is not being bossy – it is a tough thing to do when you have been crushed for so long.  
Don’t believe that Paris was a sham because you don’t know.    The addiction takes away our ability to see anything as being good and true – I would imagine his comment that you could do much better than him was heartfelt.    He will have no self-esteem or confidence, he will feel a failure – the addiction to gamble ensures that.   The four day break probably drove the message home that is making a **** of a mess of things.
You will dig your way out.  That expression reminds me of the following story that was put on the forum by a CG some time ago.
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway
It just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,
the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up
Do more than just stay alive every day Madge – the addiction is happy that, that is enough for you but you are stronger than your husband’s addiction.  You want to help him get help but if he doesn’t want help then maybe you could help the one person you can help and you know who that is.  
Shovel that dirt off and never give up on you.
Velvet
 

[madge456]

Originally posted by madge456
Originally posted by berber
Hi Madge,
I hope you are having a good day. When I read about people advising against inpatient-treatment, I was a bit surprised. My husband went away to another continent for 9 weeks and it has helped him/us tremendously. He came back as ‘another person’ – no more gambling and ready to start living his life! Now, he’s been back for almost 3 months and it’s still a long road to recovery for us, but we are dealing with it 1 day at a time. I struggle with the fact that I have not been away for 9 weeks, and I have not changed dramatically. I still doubt his words, actions and rebuilding the trust that was lost is very difficult for me.
Best,
Berber
HI
just wondering if you would share with me the treatment facility your hubby went to? We are struggling to find “the right” place for my hubby to go and I am scared stiff…
xx
Madge

Berber:
Thank you – thank you…
xx

[madge456]

Hi all again
I have just a minute – kids again waiting – But my question is: How do I continue to “act normal”? Things are so chaotic now that my hubby is looking into rehab facilities..it seems so weird and I just cry all the time..I want to maintain some sense of normalcy for my kids – I am trying to hold my family together but I feel like the foundation of my world has been blown up. We are destroyed but no one on the outside knows this. Meanwhile, here it is sunday afternoon, we are supposed to go have family time on a friends boat..how do I act normal? I am not a “***** ****” person – I am very direct and honest, always. So it is excruciating for me to “pretend” it is all ok when we don’t know what will happen in the future to us. I am trying, believe me, but inside i am SUFFERING so much. It is hard to not let it leak out. I can’t walk around crying all the time and I am no good (obviously) and compartmentalizing things.
So, how do I pull it together enough to function???
Ideas???
Help…
:(– 8/11/2013 5:12:02 PM: post edited by madge456.

[monique]

Dear Madge
I would suggest that it is not always possible to ‘act normal’ and ‘pretending’ can become very stressful, so don’t put yourself under more pressure than you can cope with.
Of course, you have to be very mindful of the ***** of your family and you have to be wise about sharing things – not everyone will understand or know how to support you wisely.  But have you got someone you can really trust?  It is not always wise to ‘spill everything’, but is there someone close that could listen to you while you just explain in outline that you are going through a really tough time and may appear less in control etc?  Some*****, just knowing that someone else recognizes that you are really struggling can give you some relief.
Have you got anyone who can help a little with the children?  Just so you get a space to think about yourself.
If you are feeling very alone, I fear this may not be helpful, but I hear your pain in that post – a sort of desperation and want to encourage you to reach out and receive any useful support you can access. 
Compartmentalising is not a long-term solution, but I am sure it is a temporary survival technique for many of us – you probably CAN do it in your professional life, as I note that you are a therapist;  maybe a silly idea, but would it help (temporarily, of course) to think of your situation as that of a client?  Just to get through some of the crazy *****?
Ignore all this if it does not help – you are being thought about and cared for, even though it is only in the ‘virtual’ world.
MoniqueKeep hope alive.

[madge456]

Hi Monique and everyone..
Thank you for all the suggestions. It has been difficult and only getting harder…now we are being audited 2 consecutive years by the IRS! I guess my husband was also “creative” in some of our deductions and now those lies are following us too – I was never involved in the taxes all these years and never thought much about this – but once we got the audit notice and my name was on it too it was sort of like “oh my g-d, now I am on the line too!” I had to convince my husband that more lies is not the way to go into an audit – he was trying to substantiate some of our exaggerated deductions with false documents – can you believe that I had to talk him out of this???? I told him he seems to be losing his grip on reality – and he agreed that he is really sick and ***** help.
That is the only good part – that he agrees he ***** help and is looking into rehabs himself – did 3 intakes so far and we will sort thru with his psychiatrist and see which one is the best for him and his dual diagnosis – But i cant believe how crazy everything is – Looking into rehabs for my husband, getting audited, going to therapy with him , etc… Even though we have money we seem to be drowning in bills – retaining wall collapsed at our house, trees falling across driveway and needing work, husbands car ***** major repairs all of a sudden – I FEEL LIKE THE WORLD IS CRASHING DOWN ON ME – My anxiety is swirling and I am trying to keep it together for the kids – I really appreciate all the feedback and support from everyone. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers… xx

[monique]

Hi Madge.
It is good to hear from you again.  You give a vivid picture of your world, inner and outer, personal and professional, somehow disintegrating around you, while you desperately try to hold things together.
There are no ‘easy fix-it’ replies to make.  I can only suggest really trying to s-l-o-w down in your mind, which has so much whirling and swirling around in it – literally, physically stop, breathe deeply and slowly and try to focus very much on the present moment.  What is vital to do in that moment? – take a break?  do something for the children? tackle whichever task is essential AND also POSSIBLE and practical for you;  one thing at a time only.  I KNOW this is easy to say and not so easy to do …
You did not do the ‘creative’ things with the finances and it feels very unfair that you should be facing these consequences, but I hope that you can somehow let the procedures take their course, be as honest and straightforward as you can be, but not take on too much advance anxiety or a sense of responsibility for what your husband did.  I do hope he finds the right help for his multiple ***** and is truly sincere about accepting the changes that are necessary. 
Look after YOU and hold in mind that you are being remembered.
MoniqueKeep hope alive.

[velvet]

Dear Madge
Please believe the world is not crashing down on you.  As the poem ‘Yesterday Today and Tomorrow’ testifies, the sun will rise tomorrow regardless – all you can worry about is today.   I completely believe that your husband would try and substantiate some of his exaggerated deductions with false documents – he is totally blinkered to reality – but you are not.
Your husband saying he is really sick and ***** help is no small thing.   Unfortunately the craziness can get to this sort of desperate situation before the CG finds the determination to change.    The ball has been taken out of his court – his lack of control will be sending alarm bells rocking his addiction.  His addiction is failing him – he is being uncovered, unfortunately what he does about it is still in his hands.  
Don’t underestimate your importance in all this madness Madge.   You are not crazy but you have been dragged into a crazy world.   You and the kids will get out of it.   You are capable of sitting down and working your way through problems.   If you have the money don’t let yourself drown in bills.   Debt is demoralising – it doesn’t worry the CG but you are aware of what it means.  The retaining wall, the trees, the car are all pieces of the jigsaw that can be sorted.   Your husband’s addiction is the piece of the jigsaw that doesn’t fit yet but hopefully this mess, he has created, will open his eyes.   it is important that you do not take responsibility for his mess – you cannot love him out of this.  
When you get the opportunity, I suggest you talk to those who are frightening you – your husband is not the first CG to get his family in a mess like this.   I cannot tell you what to do but I believe in being upfront and honest.   Your husband is sick and you didn’t know, until now, exactly what that meant but you are doing something about it – you are not sitting on your thumbs.    Your husband is not a criminal, his illnesses are not something to be ashamed about – his life has been out of control but you are trying to do something about it. 
You have strengths as yet untapped Madge.   Take each problem and break it down into small pieces and you will cope.
You are in my thoughts and prayers
Velvet
 

[nomore 56]

Hi Madge, I’m so sorry that Murphy’s Law has struck you. Your post reminded me of the days where it seemed when I was hit by one blow after the other. When I found out that my hb had not filed taxes for many yrs and that I was guilty by association so to speak, I panicked. Our case was not as severe as yours but here is what I found out when I was trying to sort out the mess: There is something called “innocent spouse” claim. My record with the IRS was wiped clean by me stating that I had no idea what my hb had done. I had never participated in filing our taxes other than signing the form. Since he prepared the return and mailed it off (or not), I had no clue really what was going on. I was advised by the IRS to file my taxes separately from my hb and have done so ever since. It does not matter, if you have an income or not. It will be difficult and he will not be able to claim you in the future but at this point in time it is irrelevant I should think. There are people who are able to help you with all the legal issues, a tax lawyer comes to mind. Maybe it is worth checking this out before the proverbial feces hit the fan? BTW, my hb was able to reduce his final tax debt by 2/3 when he finally came to his senses and went to the local IRS office to lay the truth out for them. And it might be helpful to have any kind of evaluation/assessment re his gambling addiction and mental health issues in writing to help you prove your case if push comes to shove. Hope it helps.

[velvet]

Hi Madge
I hope you got out of the bedroom – it’s not the best place to get the dinner.
We all hide in the metaphoric bedroom once in a while Madge and it is only when we accept that the bedroom removes our ability to move on and change things that we kick the supports away and set the wheels in motion.  
Forget what all the rest of the world thinks.   You want for the real ‘you’ to be recognised, for people to know that you are trapped but you are trying to break free.   I know you Madge – I know the frightened woman who thinks she is falling apart and nobody cares, I know her fear and her bewilderment.  I know she worries about her mental strength and her physical ability.    I also know that deep in her is an untapped strength, a strength that will bring her out of the black hole she feels is engulfing her and she will know that her children care and need her to make their world secure.   It’s a big ask but she can do it.  I see a woman whose thoughts go round and round, faster and faster until she feels she is going down a plug-hole.
I know because I was the woman I describe and I did escape. 
A massive coping tool I used was to write to myself, addressing my thoughts to my soul, typing all the painful incidents, committing each terrible memory to paper, in a file.  I found that by putting those thoughts in a kind of external hard-drive I stopped that bad memory swirling round and round in my brain – the file held it – I didn’t need to.    Whenever my thoughts were overwhelming me I would go and bash it out on my keyboard until I felt it had left me – usually once a day.  I wrote angrily, aggressively, tearfully, whatever – I didn’t care about grammar, punctuation being politically correct or even making sense, I used capital letters, underlining, different colours and expletives I have never used in reality – I wrote smashing the words out to cleanse my brain before I thought it would explode.  As each page was committed I said out loud that I was releasing myself from that particular pain and I remember being exhausted but relieved.  I hid it all – it was never meant for anybody to see – it was private, it was mine – it was ‘my’ purge.     The file was quite thick in the end.  When I started my recovery I kept it.  It was as though my innermost thoughts were locked away and no longer in my head.  I couldn’t destroy it as I felt the memories would have returned to my head.    A lot later when my CG turned his life around I gradually destroyed the pages without reading them BUT it was not his recovery that put those thoughts where they belonged – it was mine.
I don’t see the upstanding community member, I see the unhappy and addicted man who is afraid of what he has become.   I hear his lies and I know he lies to cover for his feelings of failure.  I know he is sick with lack of self-esteem and no confidence and all his life is an act.   How similar the F&F feelings are to the CG but how far apart they are too,  he has to seek his way out and you cannot do it for him – recoveries are on different paths.
CGs gamble to escape but his escape takes him round and round but it doesn’t bring him peace.   I believe that the ‘running away escape’ you crave will only bring you back full circle because the only way forward and out of the cycle is to face the devil and tell it that you are going to take care of yourself.  These are not idle words Madge, your husband is at present incapable of looking after you or his children responsibly but you are.    I don’t include your husband in that because at present I don’t think you have the energy to keep looking after him – you need it all for you and your best intentions will not change him anyway.  His addiction is totally selfish and only when he is selfish enough to change it for himself will he start on his road to reality.   You have to be selfish too to find your way out.   ‘Your’ life is important, ‘your’ future is important, ‘you’ matter, I care and I know who you are.
I cannot tell you what to do.  I can tell you what I did and how I found my way out.   F&F are not usually selfish – we are normally trusting, loving, giving but to find your way out of the abyss, into which you have unwittingly fallen, you have to put yourself first.  It does work – if it didn’t I wouldn’t be writing to you now.   If my CG hadn’t determined on his own future, realising that he help his own future in his own hands then he would not be living the happy, contented life that he is – I could not do it for him.  
Stop living for other people – live for you and your children will have a mother who is strong.   Live for you, learn to like and love yourself.   You don’t like your life because you don’t feel in control.   Start today, start now – retake control of the one person you can control – she is capable of great things and she is wonderful and unique and the world has yet to meet her.  
Keep posting Madge.   I am off on holiday in a few days but I will look for you on my return and I hope to see the seeds of your recovery being fed and watered.  
Velvet
 
 
 

[madge456]

k you Velvet for your encouragement. I thought I had posted a reply to your message but with the site transition maybe it got lost..

I am hanging in there …my husband continues to be untruthful to me. He has been trying in some respects (new therapy 3x a week!), helping more with kids, trying to be attentive, etc. But at the same time I caught him bookmarking some sites I was on (my personal bank account site (bc he wanted to “keep track of my money”, and even this one) I am not sure if my words are even safe here..He could be lurking…I am not that computer savvy and if he wanted/wants to spy that way, I would have no ability to stop him. As for my personal bank account, who knows what his real intentions were – I am so bad with stuff like that I couldn’t even log on to my own account – could he have changed my own password and me not know it?? I guess I need to look into that.. I feel so helpless and hopeless…We are living in the same house but sleep in different beds – We are almost living different lives – I think “what is the point?”…I have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning – I must be depressed- I just don’t care anymore because it all seems hopeless. It is hard for me to see the point of going on….

Recently my best friend d*ed, another close friend (forcibly) was moved to another country far away, i am estranged from my family of origin and we are being audited by the IRS. I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this and the thought if finding yet another therapist to talk to is just too much (myself and us together have seen many, many therapists..).

I dont see how this will ever get better….

any words of encouragement might keep me going, at least another day..

with love

M

[madge456]

Thank you Velvet for your encouragement. I thought I had posted a reply to your message but with the site transition maybe it got lost..

I am hanging in there …my husband continues to be untruthful to me. He has been trying in some respects (new therapy 3x a week!), helping more with kids, trying to be attentive, etc. But at the same time I caught him bookmarking some sites I was on (my personal bank account site (bc he wanted to “keep track of my money”, and even this one) I am not sure if my words are even safe here..He could be lurking…I am not that computer savvy and if he wanted/wants to spy that way, I would have no ability to stop him. As for my personal bank account, who knows what his real intentions were – I am so bad with stuff like that I couldn’t even log on to my own account – could he have changed my own password and me not know it?? I guess I need to look into that.. I feel so helpless and hopeless…We are living in the same house but sleep in different beds – We are almost living different lives – I think “what is the point?”…I have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning – I must be depressed- I just don’t care anymore because it all seems hopeless. It is hard for me to see the point of going on….

Recently my best friend d*ed, another close friend (forcibly) was moved to another country far away, i am estranged from my family of origin and we are being audited by the IRS. I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this and the thought if finding yet another therapist to talk to is just too much (myself and us together have seen many, many therapists..).

I dont see how this will ever get better….

any words of encouragement might keep me going, at least another day..

with love

M

[monique]

I hope you will soon find this site easy to use – I am not yet accustomed to it either. Change is always difficult!

I am sorry you are struggling and feeling a level of despair. Please do not give up and try to take comfort in the knowledge that there ARE some people who care and want to help, even when you feel so alone.

I send you all good wishes,

Monique

[madge456]

Thank you Monique for all your love and support. I know we don’t “know” each other, but I have received so much love and support from this site that it is quite ironic that the “real” people in my life have NO CLUE what is going on. What does that say about the people in my life??
I am having a hard time hanging on – Still trying to decide what is best to do – My husband is going to therapy 2x a week soon to be 3x with a CBT therapist. He has still continued to ly to me – that is the hardest part – WHY WHY does he have to ly? I guess he is afraid..HE is trying to control the money I have in my own name – trying to hack passwords and gain access to that a******* He says he was worried I would use this money to go to a lawyer and divorce him – I explained that doing this and lying about it make that even more likely instead of just talking to me about it! And since he has his sex addiction problem we have not been intimate and now he is getting angry at me for this – How can he expect me to want to be intimate with him when he li*es to me and is still so messed up?? How can I even trust him again?? I can’t even sleep in the same bed with him bc of his issues… I feel SO SAD..I really feel like I am depressed and I am not the type of person that gives into things – I am a fighter – in all ways (I train as a fighter Mixed Martial Arts) but yet this area – the main area of my life – is so messed up and I have no control over what he will do – ANd it makes me so sad that I am having a hard time functioning. I feel so pathetic – so many other people have worse in their lives yet I sit here feeling useless.. Why can’t I just shake this off?? Why can’t I stop crying???
I feel like I am waiting – waiting for something to happen – but mean while my life is passing me by …punctuated by homework, kids multiple after school lessons, dinner, food shopping, working out, cleaning, etc…and still this distance with my husband – separate beds, separate lives.. He keeps saying “I love you” and “I want to take you out to ______” but he never does anything about it…more empty promises. And all I get is a large angry man who is blaming me for not wanting to be intimate with him! Like this is my fault!!!
Can anyone else relate to this?? Most of the time I feel like I am going crazy – sad and crazy – I am trying to be there for my kids but wish there was something I could do for myself – All I want is to disappear – I have thought about suicide more time than I can cownt but I would never do that to my kids – and leave them with their Dad?? Yikes!
If anyone has advise, suggestions, words of wisdom, something, anything… I really am at the rend of my rope it seems..
with love
M

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