Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family New here too..Husband Bi polar, ADHD *** addict and now compulsive gambler… HELP

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 28 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1463
    madge456
    Participant

    I feel like i can’t do this anymore either. So tired of wondering what’s the truth and what’s not…over our 20 year marriage we have gone thru so many things – mental illness being just one of them. He is a good man – would do anything for me or our 3 young kids – but i am so tired of the LIES! no matter how many times he says he thru lying, he does it again..
    Yes, he is in therapy – we have been to therapy countless times together too – I’ve had a therapist for years (I am actually a therapist myself, believe it or not!). He has been to SA and now says he’ll go to GA – but how can i trust him again?? He has been going to the casino instead of work – luckliy he is smart enough to still get his work done so they don’t know (yet). He met some other gambler and has been meeting up with him to gamble too…
    I am thinking about secretly putting a GPS tracker on his car – i feel like I cant trust him no matter what he says -i need to know he is not lying to me otherwise how can i stay with him??I feel like i can’t do this anymore either. So tired of wondering what’s the truth and what’s not…over our 20 year marriage we have gone thru so many things – mental illness being just one of them. He is a good man – would do anything for me or our 3 young kids – but i am so tired of the LIES! no matter how many times he says he thru lying, he does it again..
    Yes, he is in therapy – we have been to therapy countless times together too – I’ve had a therapist for years (I am actually a therapist myself, believe it or not!). He has been to SA and now says he’ll go to GA – but how can i trust him again?? He has been going to the casino instead of work – luckliy he is smart enough to still get his work done so they don’t know (yet). He met some other gambler and has been meeting up with him to gamble too…
    I am thinking about secretly putting a GPS tracker on his car – i feel like I cant trust him no matter what he says -i need to know he is not lying to me otherwise how can i stay with him??yikes

    #1464
    madge456
    Participant

    Hi all
    Thank you Building for your post – I agree that the addiction model can easily switch favorites – food one minute, *** another – at least in my husbands case. He has not gambled online in over a week (he committed to not do it), we have seen his psychiatrist twice and added a new med (naltrexone – supposed to help curb urges), seen his therapist ,etc. He was very active (as opposed to his usual passive self) today in calling ALL his old therapists (quite a long list I ****** you!) to see what they recommend he do in terms of the next step of treatment…They almost all unanimously said that inpatient rehab is a waste of money because you are out of your environment, etc etc… I have no idea if inpatient would help him or not but I know what we have been doing for the past 20 years (meds, multiple therapists, couples counseling, etc) has not worked. He admitted himself he has been jerking all these therapists around all these years. He is super smart (like genius IQ) and easily manipulates others. He said he is too scared to deal with all the **** inside of him but I told him he ***** to find an inpatient or residential treatment program or he ***** to move out. I have been so sad, crying non-stop that I basically can’t function – I got lost going home today because my mind is so “not there” – as I’ve said before, i don’t want to ruin my kids lives but I feel like my life is now on the line – I can’t function like this – I feel like my arm has gangrene on it and even though I don’t want to cut off my arm, I have to to save my life..He said he is committed to doing whatever he ***** to to save our marriage – let’s see about that…
    We are looking into partial hospitalization program near where we live – it focuses on CBT – cognitive behavioral therapy – it is for 2 weeks (not long enough in my opinion). Does anyone know if this type of treatment might help someone with addictions?? I have always believed in a more psychodynamic insight oriented model in terms of getting to the root of the problem, but he has had years of insight-oriented therapy and did basically nothing with it. His psychiatrist says he thinks there is something wrong with the frontal lobe of his brain because he has issues with social judgement and Asperger-type traits and that he may not be able to actually DO insight oriented therapy…
    So, my questions are many: 1) How do I not “get my hopes up?” 2) What happens if he goes to rehab and is still the same?? 3) is it even worth spending major money in rehab to see if he can be saved? I feel so sad and hopeless – and I miss my husband – I miss being with him, miss having fun with him, I feel like he ****…. I wish we could be intimate again but I feel like that would give him the wrong message that everything is all right when clearly it is not….
    Any suggestions? You all have been so helpful – Every day for me is like torture and I need it to stop…. 🙁

    #1465
    berber
    Participant

    Hi Madge,
    I hope you are having a good day. When I read about people advising against inpatient-treatment, I was a bit surprised. My husband went away to another continent for 9 weeks and it has helped him/us tremendously. He came back as ‘another person’ – no more gambling and ready to start living his life! Now, he’s been back for almost 3 months and it’s still a long road to recovery for us, but we are dealing with it 1 day at a time. I struggle with the fact that I have not been away for 9 weeks, and I have not changed dramatically. I still doubt his words, actions and rebuilding the trust that was lost is very difficult for me.
    Best,
    Berber

    #1466
    monique
    Participant

    Dear Madge
    When I read your latest post, it just cried out to me that YOU need so much to be looked after and cared for yourself.  And, as so many of us have discovered, the main person who can start that caring is YOU, yourself. Yes, with support – as much of that as possible – but starting with YOU centring on your own *****.  What are they and how can they be met?
    I hasten to add that I can see you ARE doing so much already, for yourself and your children, but what is coming across is that there is still such a strong focus on getting it right for your husband.  All those questions which probably cannot be answered in advance.  You have probably tried it already, but can you truly hand over responsibility for the addiction treatment to HIM?  Of course, support him, but it somehow feels like you are still carrying the mental and emotional burden of how? what? when? etc, which could be left in his court.
    I don’t know if residential rehab would be his best choice – but what I hear is that he has had multiple interventions, is still in touch with a number of therapists and admits to having messed around with them??  One view about therapy is that it is not always the specific TYPE of therapy or particular therapist that matters (as long as they are well-trained, know their stuff, work ethically etc), but the vital thing/the thing that WORKS, is the committed relationship between the client and his therapist.  Seeking advice from multiple professionals can be a way of avoiding commitment to the actual therapeutic work.
    You don’t want to lose the dream of happy marriage and family – but that dream is NOT currently coming true in your life.  The horrible gangrene you need to cut out of your life is the addiction(s) and not necessarily your husband; only you can decide how you can cut out the gangrene – and maybe you are not ready to make any decision just yet.  But you cry out that every day is torture for you, so please concentrate on ways of removing that torture and making YOUR life more comfortable and bearable.  Can you dare to forget all about your husband for a while and let your imagination flow widely and creatively – what could you do, find, be, that would get you to a different place within your own mind and emotions?  As others have said, your children will ‘know’ in some way that things are not right and sensing that you are no longer being tortured can only feel good for them too.
    If things feel so bad that you feel paralysed, I apologize for so much ‘urging’ in this post – sometimes the first step can be turning to someone you really trust, opening your heart and saying ‘please do …….. for me’ (just to get you started).
    I am a bit anxious that this post does not sound empathic but rather bossy and directive – that is not the intention;  I have heard your cries and wanted to respond.
    By the way, the cg I love, my son, has had a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (as a young adult), so I am aware of the difficulties there can be in working out which symptom comes from what, but I have also learned here that symptoms of addiction and symptoms of AS are, in part, somewhat similar.  I also feel that the active addiction can only spell disaster, whereas AS could be a manageable aspect of who he is, if the addiction is not active.
    All good wishes,
    MoniqueKeep hope alive.

    #1467
    madge456
    Participant

    Monique:
    Your post made me cry – I will respond more fully later but I wanted to thank you – thank you for your caring, for your advice and kindness…you asked me what my ***** are and how to fill them? I asked myself that question and I am so far, far removed from that my answer to myself was “i don’t even know…”…so very sad indeed… I have all but disappeared in my own life..
    More later..
    love to all who have been so supportive of my struggle..
    XOXO

    #1468
    nomore 56
    Participant

    Hi Madge, I read your posts and can relate to a lot of what you said. Just want to respond re inpatient treatment. It is very common for cgs to manipulate and fool their therapists. My hb did just that for many years. Maybe sharing his treatment history will give you a tiny bit of insight. He completed two inpatient programs, both lasted 30 days and were based on the traditional approach for addiction treatment. He says today that he said all the right things and did what was expected cz he quickly figured out how to pretend and to please the counselors. Nothing really sank in though according to him. It did not help of course that he went to treatment both ***** because I had given him an ultimatum. Before he went the second time, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on meds. Nothing changed in re to his addiction though. After relapsing the last time I decided that I was done for good and this time the decision to go to inpatient treatment was his own, finally. He spend 120 days in a facility that was specialized in cg treatment and the program was based on CBT. For him, this was the turning point. It took him a while but he embraced the therapy full heartedly this time. I can only speak for him but CBT really did the trick for him and he swears by it because he says that it completely changed his thought process and he learned how to change his pattern. Actually he also says that being away from his environment helped him a great deal. The counselors dug deep into all the issues that led him to develop the addiction in the first place and that was a big part in the recovery process for him. He also has a very high IQ and understanding what was going on with him was important. Cgs are some***** diagnosed with bipolar disorder because the addiction presents itself with severe **** swings. Being bipolar in the first place does not help when it comes to gambling because of the brain chemistry that affects people in a similar way. As for my hb, he never took another medication ever since his treatment started and he is fine now. It is a hard road to travel for everyone and every person is different. You might want to check out a gambling counselor named Chris Anderson on the net. He lives in Chicago I believe and I had the chance to listen to one of his presentations at a work shop for gambling counselors here in WA. He is a recovering gambler himself and he had some very amazing things to say about cg and therapy. Another thing you can look into is your state’s Council on Problem Gambling. These councils are a great source for all kind of information and help available in your area. Take good care of yourself and your kids, you guys should come first 🙂

    #1469
    monique
    Participant

    Hi Madge. We often lose ourselves like this. I hope you can give yourself quiet moments now that you have recognized this, to really listen to your own mind, body and emotions; then you may find that you start getting to know yourself and your *****. Let the tears flow if necessary; I hope smiles will start to come too – give yourself time; be gentle with yourself. Monique.

    #1470
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Madge
    CGs generally need to be smart to stay on top of the manipulation game although given time the addiction unravels even the highest IQ.   Unfortunately the addiction to gamble doesn’t give off signals like alcoholism or **** addiction.  A CG doesn’t fall over, there are no needles, no ***** and their eyes are not spaced out.    It is because of this that they are able too fool so many counsellors and therapists who have never dealt with this particular addiction.   A CG doesn’t set out to fool – it is part of the addiction that they are capable of doing so well but a large part of the blame, in my opinion, is the inability of those who ‘should’ understand and recognise the symptoms and who are totally untrained.  
    Removing CGs from the environment where their addiction has flourished is, in my opinion, based on all the evidence I have seen, very good.    It is very hard for a CG to change their life when the everyday world around stays the same – removing them from that world allows them to focus their minds.   I think it is very disappointing to hear such negativity from people your husband has talked to.   If everything he has been doing for 20 years has not worked – it makes sense to try something new.  
    Everything you have expressed I understand – the loss of a loved one is unbelievably painful but worse still is the loss of self because it takes away the ability to cope.   I remember being unable to sign my name without making an error, inviting people round and then calling it off, forgetting where I was going and what I was doing.   I was even tested for Alzheimer’s disease because I believed I was lost and I thought it was best to remove me from the world rather than inflict that illness on those I loved.  
    Hold on to the knowledge that you are worthwhile, you are unique and you are strong inside.   Dig deep and know that you are still here, necessary to your children and you have an important role to fulfil.  
    I saw rehab as a break for me because I had no hope in anything anymore.   None of us can ‘know’ what will happen but if we do nothing, then nothing will happen,   Rehab and CBT has changed lives and it changed my CGs and mine.  
    I cannot know if it is true of your husband but many CGs are wrongly diagnosed as Asperser sufferers and it does make it harder for those who love them to know which way to turn first.
    It is hard to answer your questions because we can only offer support – we cannot tell you what to do but I believe we have to have hope and worrying about what would happen ‘if’ rehab didn’t make a difference is a worry too many. 
    Your husband admits he is scared to deal with the **** inside him and this is something that I don’t think we can understand but there are those who can.   There are skilled counsellors who can open a person up and let the **** out – but have the ability to close them again.   Your husband does have to ‘want’ to deal with the **** inside him or CBT and rehab cannot work – this is usually the difference between a successful controlling of addiction or not.   A rehab cannot make it happen – there is no magic pill – they do need the addict to be dedicated and determined and then they can work with them – I hope that makes sense.    
    I came up against negativity everywhere in the doctors and counsellors I met but finally with the right counsellors in the rehab my CGs changed his life.  
    I am not sure your husband can find the right place for himself but maybe you could.   Find out all you can about the hospital that offers a CBT programme.   Knowing what you know now maybe you can ascertain if they are the right place for your husband.
    Don’t accept negativity from professionals – somebody, somewhere is the right person for your husband.  
    Keep posting, keep talking.   It is an uphill struggle and you are right – the torture for you has to stop.  
    I took my CG to the rehab.  I was told I was treating him like a child, that I was doing it wrong again – but I am glad I walked that last mile.   I feel from your post you can walk one more mile with your husband and as long as you want to make that walk I will hold your hand and walk with you.  
    Yes, you have to look after yourself first.   Yes – if you don’t look after you, then you will struggle to cope but you have coped so far and you have coped well. 
    The biggest weapon in the hands of an addiction is the mind of the victim.   Free your mind.   ‘Know’ that you are in control of ‘your’ life and that there is always hope.
    You are not lost Madge.   I can see you as clearly as anything.   You are doing well – you are functioning – you are still here. 
    Velvet
     
     
     
     

    #1471
    madge456
    Participant

    Hi again – quick reply as the kids are waiting on me – But I wanted to thank everyone for posting and contributing…Velvet I really resonated with what you said about being lost – You don’t know me but I am a very strong person and I have NEVER had a time in my life where I felt so lost. Like I said physically getting lost, not knowing where I am, forgetting about where/what I am supposed to be doing. That is not me. I feel like another person – I told my husband he has destroyed me – I feel destroyed.
    I feel like if he goes away to rehab it will be good for me too – to try and get MY life on track, to try and find me again. I think it will be good for both of us. When we started talking about rehab my husband seemed unaffected by the idea all together – like he was almost planning a vacation! When I told him how much money it would cost, THEN he freaked out! Can you imagine that you are most freaked out by the cost than by the actual truth that you are destroying your life??? That was unbelievable to me…his coping mechanism again I suppose…
    Berber and Nomore – I wanted to thank you for your amazing support and to ask the names of the rehabs your CG’s went to?? The problem we are having is finding “the right” place for him to go. The place locally which is very good, the CBT program is a partial program – you go all day and come home at night – and it is only for 10 days! I don’t think that is enough, do you???
    We both want, I think, something at least 30 days where my husband can really “dig in” and rip open all the **** he has inside of him – and that takes time. I know he is afraid but I also think there must be someone/someplace out there that can help him…He says he is “emotionally constipated” I haven’t even seem him cry or express any sadness over what he has done – he uses the words that he is sorry, but his affect is blank…that in and of itself is very sad…
    I am trying to get ahold of myself for my kids and myself. It is hard to spend time with my husband as I am so sad, angry, resentful, etc…but I told him if he is COMMITTED to working it out, I will stick by him. He says he is…
    What would really be helpful are names of any rehabs for addiction (*** addiction, food addiction, gambling..he has them all) in the US – doesn’t matter to me where they are – it’s easy enough to get on a plane. I think a combo of CBT and insight oriented therapy would be good – but I also agree with you Velvet and everyone else that if you don’t WORK THE PROGRAM, nothing good will come of it….
    We are going for an interview for the partial program near us just to see but my gut tells me 10 business days of treatment is not enough to undo 47 years of ****….
    Peace to all…more later…
    XOXOLucky me…..

    #1472
    nomore 56
    Participant

    Hi Madge, I talked to my hb today and here is some info you might find useful. The treatment center where he finally started his recovery is called A Soberway Home. They are located in AZ. I cannot copy the url from my computer, for some reason it never works. Their phone # is 877-917-6237. What I find very encouraging is that they have a program for cgs, based on CBT, which according to my hb meant for him to gain a lot of insight re all the issues he never really connected to his addiction. They also address dual diagnosis, as in multiple addictions and have mental health professional staff as well. It is an inpatient treatment where the patients basically learn how to live without gambling. As in basic skills from shopping for food to cooking their own food and taking care of their apartments. Might sound childish but is also very important. The counselors always emphasize that the addiction ***** to be treated first before mental health issues are addressed. The patients are told that it takes a minimum of 70 days to really truly commit to recovery. Like I said, every person and situation is different. What worked so amazingly well for my hb after over 40 yrs of gambling might not work for others. You might also be interested in the fact that the counselors work with the family back home as well. There are phone sessions and three way calls and such. I can only tell you what my hb had to say about the program of course, so it is 3rd hand info of course. But maybe worth a try. It is very hard to find the right counselor and/or the right treatment approach and I hope for you that you are successful. I can relate to most of what you post and wish you all the luck in the world.

    #1473
    madge456
    Participant

    NOMORE: thanks for the info – I will look into it – I wish my hubby would be more involved looking into places, but hasn’t done much yet….to be continued…i am just so tired, I don’t know how I am going to get thru today……

    #1474
    madge456
    Participant

    Originally posted by berber
    Hi Madge,
    I hope you are having a good day. When I read about people advising against inpatient-treatment, I was a bit surprised. My husband went away to another continent for 9 weeks and it has helped him/us tremendously. He came back as ‘another person’ – no more gambling and ready to start living his life! Now, he’s been back for almost 3 months and it’s still a long road to recovery for us, but we are dealing with it 1 day at a time. I struggle with the fact that I have not been away for 9 weeks, and I have not changed dramatically. I still doubt his words, actions and rebuilding the trust that was lost is very difficult for me.
    Best,
    Berber
    HI
    just wondering if you would share with me the treatment facility your hubby went to? We are struggling to find “the right” place for my hubby to go and I am scared stiff…
    xx
    Madge

    #1475
    aching heart
    Participant

    Hi madge spoke to u earlier… I can most certainly identify with everything ur saying as I am in d middle of it… Like I said John is out of the house since last wk I’m using this time to rebuild myself which is hard in itself … I use this site to vent as ur d only ppl that truly no wats going on … I no John will be crawling begging in next couple of wks this is where I need help to plan how to stay strong as my normal cycle is to take him back unfortunately I’m in a position that both of us own the house n John manipulates by saying ” he not staying away as its is house too” I dunno where I stand with regards to this any advice anyone…. I too am torn by my heart as I had a dream family n still want it n so hard to let go of this but I no at this point that I’m so weak n exhausted to get my family bk I need to b strong for every1 involved .., I dunno wat d outcome of my actions will be I’m hoping to return to a family with John it n terrified it won’t happen but it’s a chance I have to take… At the minute I have very little contact with John which is killing me as I’m usually stalking him as we doi know if I ring him r talk to him for while I will slip bk into my nagging etc I work overnights n John minds my boys in d family home dunno no if this right r not but he has no where else to take them n I think it’s best for d boys to b in their home d last few days my 3 yr old is asking lots of innocent questions is daddy coming home where’s daddy can we collect daddy from work etc etc this is upsetting me he’s 3 n shouldn’t b feeling this…. Rant over xx

    #1476
    madge456
    Participant

    AH – so sorry – I do understand but like so many others have said to me you need to take care of yourself and forget about John. He will take care of himself. You can encourage him to get help but you cant make them… My hubby is willing to get help but i think he is treating it like a vacation – he said “yeah, sure I could get away..” – some of these rehabs ARE like vacation spots (“we start our day with a healthy organic breakfast and yoga…”) – yikes! Makes me feel like I should go to rehab! I am not sure how serious he is taking the whole thing – after all, he is still in the house with us, has his job (dont know how??) etc…but the kids must know something is wrong since ive been like a zombie the past few weeks – I want to help him get help but ultimately the work is his to do – I told him I will not take responsibility for his addictions – Even if he says Im bossy, etc I told him there are ways to handle things and running away gambling, (and other things he does) isn’t a mature way to handle these issues….It is so hard bc sometimes I feel like I am talking to a rational person and then I realize as he tries to justify it all away, that he is NOT rational – he is sick – Like you, from what I read, I MISS my husband – we get along so well, have such a great relationship in the sense of how we get along, have fun together etc.. A few months before I found out (the latest) set of lies, we took a 4 day trip to Paris – was FABULOUS! Stayed in nicest hotel, limos galore, dinners, romantic walks along the Seine…etc. It was lovely. He kept saying to me “you could do so much better than me, I don’t deserve you…” now looking back it was the LIES that were eating at him – 3 years worth this time – I feel these past 3 years have just been so **** – and how do I know if there are MORE lies??? How can I ever trust him again??? It is so hard….
    I feel your pain for your kids – I am there too – but right now I am literally trying to stay alive every day. I feel so SAD and dont know how we will EVER dig our way out of this….
    Love to you all…suffering in solidarity..
    xx

    #1477
    aching heart
    Participant

    Heard a lovely quote today……….
    The 3 c’s of life…. Choices, chances, changes
    You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.******
    I like this n makes a lot of sense to me n trying to live by this motto… Madge it’s so hard living like this to feel used abused rejected by someone u love… With the help from everyone else here we will get through this eventually let’s hope it doesn’t take too long …
    Velvet / monique u will b glad to
    Know I took ur advice taken a bit of me time b4 I go to work today I went to get my hair done n I’m looking into getting myself a new little car it’s about time I focus on me ***

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 28 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.