Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family New here too..Husband Bi polar, ADHD *** addict and now compulsive gambler… HELP

Viewing 13 posts - 16 through 28 (of 28 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #1478
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Madge
    Seems to me that your husband is ‘hoping’ that rehab is easy – I know the one my CG went into was certainly not a vacation.   I wonder if this is a smoke-screen so you don’t take it seriously – after all who wants someone who has been wrecking their lives to go and have a vacation – he is possibly hoping you will forget the idea. 
    The attitude of the CG matters – they do have to want to change but your husband’s inner self may be different to what he says to you.    I have known CGs who have not told their loved ones of their desire to change because their loved ones have heard it all before – they don’t want to risk ‘another’ public failure.   Nobody can know when real control starts, not the non-CG or the CG.  
    Standing up for your own life is not being bossy – it is a tough thing to do when you have been crushed for so long.  
    Don’t believe that Paris was a sham because you don’t know.    The addiction takes away our ability to see anything as being good and true – I would imagine his comment that you could do much better than him was heartfelt.    He will have no self-esteem or confidence, he will feel a failure – the addiction to gamble ensures that.   The four day break probably drove the message home that is making a **** of a mess of things.
    You will dig your way out.  That expression reminds me of the following story that was put on the forum by a CG some time ago.
    One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
    The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
    Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway
    It just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
    He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.
    They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
    At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
    Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down
    A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
    He was astonished at what he saw.
    With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,
    the donkey was doing something amazing.
    He would shake it off and take a step up.
    As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
    he would shake it off and take a step up.
    Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
    stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
    Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
    The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
    Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
    We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
    never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up
    Do more than just stay alive every day Madge – the addiction is happy that, that is enough for you but you are stronger than your husband’s addiction.  You want to help him get help but if he doesn’t want help then maybe you could help the one person you can help and you know who that is.  
    Shovel that dirt off and never give up on you.
    Velvet
     

    #1479
    madge456
    Participant

    Originally posted by madge456
    Originally posted by berber
    Hi Madge,
    I hope you are having a good day. When I read about people advising against inpatient-treatment, I was a bit surprised. My husband went away to another continent for 9 weeks and it has helped him/us tremendously. He came back as ‘another person’ – no more gambling and ready to start living his life! Now, he’s been back for almost 3 months and it’s still a long road to recovery for us, but we are dealing with it 1 day at a time. I struggle with the fact that I have not been away for 9 weeks, and I have not changed dramatically. I still doubt his words, actions and rebuilding the trust that was lost is very difficult for me.
    Best,
    Berber
    HI
    just wondering if you would share with me the treatment facility your hubby went to? We are struggling to find “the right” place for my hubby to go and I am scared stiff…
    xx
    Madge

    Berber:
    Thank you – thank you…
    xx

    #1480
    madge456
    Participant

    Hi all again
    I have just a minute – kids again waiting – But my question is: How do I continue to “act normal”? Things are so chaotic now that my hubby is looking into rehab facilities..it seems so weird and I just cry all the time..I want to maintain some sense of normalcy for my kids – I am trying to hold my family together but I feel like the foundation of my world has been blown up. We are destroyed but no one on the outside knows this. Meanwhile, here it is sunday afternoon, we are supposed to go have family time on a friends boat..how do I act normal? I am not a “***** ****” person – I am very direct and honest, always. So it is excruciating for me to “pretend” it is all ok when we don’t know what will happen in the future to us. I am trying, believe me, but inside i am SUFFERING so much. It is hard to not let it leak out. I can’t walk around crying all the time and I am no good (obviously) and compartmentalizing things.
    So, how do I pull it together enough to function???
    Ideas???
    Help…
    :(– 8/11/2013 5:12:02 PM: post edited by madge456.

    #1481
    monique
    Participant

    Dear Madge
    I would suggest that it is not always possible to ‘act normal’ and ‘pretending’ can become very stressful, so don’t put yourself under more pressure than you can cope with.
    Of course, you have to be very mindful of the ***** of your family and you have to be wise about sharing things – not everyone will understand or know how to support you wisely.  But have you got someone you can really trust?  It is not always wise to ‘spill everything’, but is there someone close that could listen to you while you just explain in outline that you are going through a really tough time and may appear less in control etc?  Some*****, just knowing that someone else recognizes that you are really struggling can give you some relief.
    Have you got anyone who can help a little with the children?  Just so you get a space to think about yourself.
    If you are feeling very alone, I fear this may not be helpful, but I hear your pain in that post – a sort of desperation and want to encourage you to reach out and receive any useful support you can access. 
    Compartmentalising is not a long-term solution, but I am sure it is a temporary survival technique for many of us – you probably CAN do it in your professional life, as I note that you are a therapist;  maybe a silly idea, but would it help (temporarily, of course) to think of your situation as that of a client?  Just to get through some of the crazy *****?
    Ignore all this if it does not help – you are being thought about and cared for, even though it is only in the ‘virtual’ world.
    MoniqueKeep hope alive.

    #1482
    madge456
    Participant

    Hi Monique and everyone..
    Thank you for all the suggestions. It has been difficult and only getting harder…now we are being audited 2 consecutive years by the IRS! I guess my husband was also “creative” in some of our deductions and now those lies are following us too – I was never involved in the taxes all these years and never thought much about this – but once we got the audit notice and my name was on it too it was sort of like “oh my g-d, now I am on the line too!” I had to convince my husband that more lies is not the way to go into an audit – he was trying to substantiate some of our exaggerated deductions with false documents – can you believe that I had to talk him out of this???? I told him he seems to be losing his grip on reality – and he agreed that he is really sick and ***** help.
    That is the only good part – that he agrees he ***** help and is looking into rehabs himself – did 3 intakes so far and we will sort thru with his psychiatrist and see which one is the best for him and his dual diagnosis – But i cant believe how crazy everything is – Looking into rehabs for my husband, getting audited, going to therapy with him , etc… Even though we have money we seem to be drowning in bills – retaining wall collapsed at our house, trees falling across driveway and needing work, husbands car ***** major repairs all of a sudden – I FEEL LIKE THE WORLD IS CRASHING DOWN ON ME – My anxiety is swirling and I am trying to keep it together for the kids – I really appreciate all the feedback and support from everyone. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers… xx

    #1483
    monique
    Participant

    Hi Madge.
    It is good to hear from you again.  You give a vivid picture of your world, inner and outer, personal and professional, somehow disintegrating around you, while you desperately try to hold things together.
    There are no ‘easy fix-it’ replies to make.  I can only suggest really trying to s-l-o-w down in your mind, which has so much whirling and swirling around in it – literally, physically stop, breathe deeply and slowly and try to focus very much on the present moment.  What is vital to do in that moment? – take a break?  do something for the children? tackle whichever task is essential AND also POSSIBLE and practical for you;  one thing at a time only.  I KNOW this is easy to say and not so easy to do …
    You did not do the ‘creative’ things with the finances and it feels very unfair that you should be facing these consequences, but I hope that you can somehow let the procedures take their course, be as honest and straightforward as you can be, but not take on too much advance anxiety or a sense of responsibility for what your husband did.  I do hope he finds the right help for his multiple ***** and is truly sincere about accepting the changes that are necessary. 
    Look after YOU and hold in mind that you are being remembered.
    MoniqueKeep hope alive.

    #1484
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Madge
    Please believe the world is not crashing down on you.  As the poem ‘Yesterday Today and Tomorrow’ testifies, the sun will rise tomorrow regardless – all you can worry about is today.   I completely believe that your husband would try and substantiate some of his exaggerated deductions with false documents – he is totally blinkered to reality – but you are not.
    Your husband saying he is really sick and ***** help is no small thing.   Unfortunately the craziness can get to this sort of desperate situation before the CG finds the determination to change.    The ball has been taken out of his court – his lack of control will be sending alarm bells rocking his addiction.  His addiction is failing him – he is being uncovered, unfortunately what he does about it is still in his hands.  
    Don’t underestimate your importance in all this madness Madge.   You are not crazy but you have been dragged into a crazy world.   You and the kids will get out of it.   You are capable of sitting down and working your way through problems.   If you have the money don’t let yourself drown in bills.   Debt is demoralising – it doesn’t worry the CG but you are aware of what it means.  The retaining wall, the trees, the car are all pieces of the jigsaw that can be sorted.   Your husband’s addiction is the piece of the jigsaw that doesn’t fit yet but hopefully this mess, he has created, will open his eyes.   it is important that you do not take responsibility for his mess – you cannot love him out of this.  
    When you get the opportunity, I suggest you talk to those who are frightening you – your husband is not the first CG to get his family in a mess like this.   I cannot tell you what to do but I believe in being upfront and honest.   Your husband is sick and you didn’t know, until now, exactly what that meant but you are doing something about it – you are not sitting on your thumbs.    Your husband is not a criminal, his illnesses are not something to be ashamed about – his life has been out of control but you are trying to do something about it. 
    You have strengths as yet untapped Madge.   Take each problem and break it down into small pieces and you will cope.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers
    Velvet
     

    #1485
    nomore 56
    Participant

    Hi Madge, I’m so sorry that Murphy’s Law has struck you. Your post reminded me of the days where it seemed when I was hit by one blow after the other. When I found out that my hb had not filed taxes for many yrs and that I was guilty by association so to speak, I panicked. Our case was not as severe as yours but here is what I found out when I was trying to sort out the mess: There is something called “innocent spouse” claim. My record with the IRS was wiped clean by me stating that I had no idea what my hb had done. I had never participated in filing our taxes other than signing the form. Since he prepared the return and mailed it off (or not), I had no clue really what was going on. I was advised by the IRS to file my taxes separately from my hb and have done so ever since. It does not matter, if you have an income or not. It will be difficult and he will not be able to claim you in the future but at this point in time it is irrelevant I should think. There are people who are able to help you with all the legal issues, a tax lawyer comes to mind. Maybe it is worth checking this out before the proverbial feces hit the fan? BTW, my hb was able to reduce his final tax debt by 2/3 when he finally came to his senses and went to the local IRS office to lay the truth out for them. And it might be helpful to have any kind of evaluation/assessment re his gambling addiction and mental health issues in writing to help you prove your case if push comes to shove. Hope it helps.

    #1486
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Madge
    I hope you got out of the bedroom – it’s not the best place to get the dinner.
    We all hide in the metaphoric bedroom once in a while Madge and it is only when we accept that the bedroom removes our ability to move on and change things that we kick the supports away and set the wheels in motion.  
    Forget what all the rest of the world thinks.   You want for the real ‘you’ to be recognised, for people to know that you are trapped but you are trying to break free.   I know you Madge – I know the frightened woman who thinks she is falling apart and nobody cares, I know her fear and her bewilderment.  I know she worries about her mental strength and her physical ability.    I also know that deep in her is an untapped strength, a strength that will bring her out of the black hole she feels is engulfing her and she will know that her children care and need her to make their world secure.   It’s a big ask but she can do it.  I see a woman whose thoughts go round and round, faster and faster until she feels she is going down a plug-hole.
    I know because I was the woman I describe and I did escape. 
    A massive coping tool I used was to write to myself, addressing my thoughts to my soul, typing all the painful incidents, committing each terrible memory to paper, in a file.  I found that by putting those thoughts in a kind of external hard-drive I stopped that bad memory swirling round and round in my brain – the file held it – I didn’t need to.    Whenever my thoughts were overwhelming me I would go and bash it out on my keyboard until I felt it had left me – usually once a day.  I wrote angrily, aggressively, tearfully, whatever – I didn’t care about grammar, punctuation being politically correct or even making sense, I used capital letters, underlining, different colours and expletives I have never used in reality – I wrote smashing the words out to cleanse my brain before I thought it would explode.  As each page was committed I said out loud that I was releasing myself from that particular pain and I remember being exhausted but relieved.  I hid it all – it was never meant for anybody to see – it was private, it was mine – it was ‘my’ purge.     The file was quite thick in the end.  When I started my recovery I kept it.  It was as though my innermost thoughts were locked away and no longer in my head.  I couldn’t destroy it as I felt the memories would have returned to my head.    A lot later when my CG turned his life around I gradually destroyed the pages without reading them BUT it was not his recovery that put those thoughts where they belonged – it was mine.
    I don’t see the upstanding community member, I see the unhappy and addicted man who is afraid of what he has become.   I hear his lies and I know he lies to cover for his feelings of failure.  I know he is sick with lack of self-esteem and no confidence and all his life is an act.   How similar the F&F feelings are to the CG but how far apart they are too,  he has to seek his way out and you cannot do it for him – recoveries are on different paths.
    CGs gamble to escape but his escape takes him round and round but it doesn’t bring him peace.   I believe that the ‘running away escape’ you crave will only bring you back full circle because the only way forward and out of the cycle is to face the devil and tell it that you are going to take care of yourself.  These are not idle words Madge, your husband is at present incapable of looking after you or his children responsibly but you are.    I don’t include your husband in that because at present I don’t think you have the energy to keep looking after him – you need it all for you and your best intentions will not change him anyway.  His addiction is totally selfish and only when he is selfish enough to change it for himself will he start on his road to reality.   You have to be selfish too to find your way out.   ‘Your’ life is important, ‘your’ future is important, ‘you’ matter, I care and I know who you are.
    I cannot tell you what to do.  I can tell you what I did and how I found my way out.   F&F are not usually selfish – we are normally trusting, loving, giving but to find your way out of the abyss, into which you have unwittingly fallen, you have to put yourself first.  It does work – if it didn’t I wouldn’t be writing to you now.   If my CG hadn’t determined on his own future, realising that he help his own future in his own hands then he would not be living the happy, contented life that he is – I could not do it for him.  
    Stop living for other people – live for you and your children will have a mother who is strong.   Live for you, learn to like and love yourself.   You don’t like your life because you don’t feel in control.   Start today, start now – retake control of the one person you can control – she is capable of great things and she is wonderful and unique and the world has yet to meet her.  
    Keep posting Madge.   I am off on holiday in a few days but I will look for you on my return and I hope to see the seeds of your recovery being fed and watered.  
    Velvet
     
     
     

    #1487
    madge456
    Participant

    k you Velvet for your encouragement. I thought I had posted a reply to your message but with the site transition maybe it got lost..

    I am hanging in there …my husband continues to be untruthful to me. He has been trying in some respects (new therapy 3x a week!), helping more with kids, trying to be attentive, etc. But at the same time I caught him bookmarking some sites I was on (my personal bank account site (bc he wanted to “keep track of my money”, and even this one) I am not sure if my words are even safe here..He could be lurking…I am not that computer savvy and if he wanted/wants to spy that way, I would have no ability to stop him. As for my personal bank account, who knows what his real intentions were – I am so bad with stuff like that I couldn’t even log on to my own account – could he have changed my own password and me not know it?? I guess I need to look into that.. I feel so helpless and hopeless…We are living in the same house but sleep in different beds – We are almost living different lives – I think “what is the point?”…I have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning – I must be depressed- I just don’t care anymore because it all seems hopeless. It is hard for me to see the point of going on….

    Recently my best friend d*ed, another close friend (forcibly) was moved to another country far away, i am estranged from my family of origin and we are being audited by the IRS. I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this and the thought if finding yet another therapist to talk to is just too much (myself and us together have seen many, many therapists..).

    I dont see how this will ever get better….

    any words of encouragement might keep me going, at least another day..

    with love

    M

    #1488
    madge456
    Participant

    Thank you Velvet for your encouragement. I thought I had posted a reply to your message but with the site transition maybe it got lost..

    I am hanging in there …my husband continues to be untruthful to me. He has been trying in some respects (new therapy 3x a week!), helping more with kids, trying to be attentive, etc. But at the same time I caught him bookmarking some sites I was on (my personal bank account site (bc he wanted to “keep track of my money”, and even this one) I am not sure if my words are even safe here..He could be lurking…I am not that computer savvy and if he wanted/wants to spy that way, I would have no ability to stop him. As for my personal bank account, who knows what his real intentions were – I am so bad with stuff like that I couldn’t even log on to my own account – could he have changed my own password and me not know it?? I guess I need to look into that.. I feel so helpless and hopeless…We are living in the same house but sleep in different beds – We are almost living different lives – I think “what is the point?”…I have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning – I must be depressed- I just don’t care anymore because it all seems hopeless. It is hard for me to see the point of going on….

    Recently my best friend d*ed, another close friend (forcibly) was moved to another country far away, i am estranged from my family of origin and we are being audited by the IRS. I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this and the thought if finding yet another therapist to talk to is just too much (myself and us together have seen many, many therapists..).

    I dont see how this will ever get better….

    any words of encouragement might keep me going, at least another day..

    with love

    M

    #1489
    monique
    Participant

    I hope you will soon find this site easy to use – I am not yet accustomed to it either. Change is always difficult!

    I am sorry you are struggling and feeling a level of despair. Please do not give up and try to take comfort in the knowledge that there ARE some people who care and want to help, even when you feel so alone.

    I send you all good wishes,

    Monique

    #1490
    madge456
    Participant

    Thank you Monique for all your love and support. I know we don’t “know” each other, but I have received so much love and support from this site that it is quite ironic that the “real” people in my life have NO CLUE what is going on. What does that say about the people in my life??
    I am having a hard time hanging on – Still trying to decide what is best to do – My husband is going to therapy 2x a week soon to be 3x with a CBT therapist. He has still continued to ly to me – that is the hardest part – WHY WHY does he have to ly? I guess he is afraid..HE is trying to control the money I have in my own name – trying to hack passwords and gain access to that a******* He says he was worried I would use this money to go to a lawyer and divorce him – I explained that doing this and lying about it make that even more likely instead of just talking to me about it! And since he has his sex addiction problem we have not been intimate and now he is getting angry at me for this – How can he expect me to want to be intimate with him when he li*es to me and is still so messed up?? How can I even trust him again?? I can’t even sleep in the same bed with him bc of his issues… I feel SO SAD..I really feel like I am depressed and I am not the type of person that gives into things – I am a fighter – in all ways (I train as a fighter Mixed Martial Arts) but yet this area – the main area of my life – is so messed up and I have no control over what he will do – ANd it makes me so sad that I am having a hard time functioning. I feel so pathetic – so many other people have worse in their lives yet I sit here feeling useless.. Why can’t I just shake this off?? Why can’t I stop crying???
    I feel like I am waiting – waiting for something to happen – but mean while my life is passing me by …punctuated by homework, kids multiple after school lessons, dinner, food shopping, working out, cleaning, etc…and still this distance with my husband – separate beds, separate lives.. He keeps saying “I love you” and “I want to take you out to ______” but he never does anything about it…more empty promises. And all I get is a large angry man who is blaming me for not wanting to be intimate with him! Like this is my fault!!!
    Can anyone else relate to this?? Most of the time I feel like I am going crazy – sad and crazy – I am trying to be there for my kids but wish there was something I could do for myself – All I want is to disappear – I have thought about suicide more time than I can cownt but I would never do that to my kids – and leave them with their Dad?? Yikes!
    If anyone has advise, suggestions, words of wisdom, something, anything… I really am at the rend of my rope it seems..
    with love
    M

Viewing 13 posts - 16 through 28 (of 28 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.