Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 56 total)
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  • #5393
    bosslady
    Participant

    My husband and i have been married 16 years…gambling and other addictions run high in his family…the past year has been very different hes been like a totally different person..weve have had our issues like any other couple but as of late he’s cranky,irritable, impatient an cocky at times too. He’s lost alot of weight and does have health issues..after two months of lies upon lies i’ve discovered a gambling addiction …other issues have come into play and seems to be spiraling out of control very fast but it’s crazy how easy the lies can come now..he has always been very honest to a fault (or so i thought). We’ve decided to seperate and my counselor says to back off of him let him fix him if he wants it he will do it…no help from me nothing..he has to do it..its hard ive always been the caretaker..the fixer..i would appreciate if anyone has any advice on “rules of seperation” we are still married and will conduct ourselves as such, even though idk if i can trust anything anymore…but we do have children to take care of..i know if he doesnt try to get help then we wont be back together..my children and i are not going to do without and i will not continue to live in doubt and be lied to.

    #5394
    monique
    Participant

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    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    #5395
    monique
    Participant

    I hope you will soon get more replies from others, who can offer their support and friendship as you face your struggles. Everyone is different and, with help, you will find your own ways forward, but there are often experiences and feelings that are common amongst family members and hearing about these can help you feel less alone and encourage you.

    It sounds from what you write that you are a strong person, who is already capable of making tough decisions and carrying them through. This does not mean that it will be easy or that you will not have doubts, but you demonstrate inner strength and determination, which are very useful qualities.

    If you can now give yourself some further attention, that may be helpful. You have been the caretaker, the fixer as you say – now do take care of yourself, consider your own needs and even ‘wants’ and look after ‘you’. It sounds simple, but you probably know it isn’t at all easy for people who always think of their responsibilities to others first. Of course, you will continue to care for your children as a priority, but they too will benefit from being with a woman who can also consider her own needs. Looking after ‘you’ is also, in the long run, good for your partner, although he may not think that right now. It may help him ‘see’ himself more clearly if you are not actively trying to ‘fix’ things. He may be very unhappy but not yet aware fully of what he needs to do for himself. He will benefit from your love and support, but you need time to work out what that is in your context – it is not about protecting him from his own responsibilities, but supporting him to make the right decisions to seek recovery, for example. And maybe it is standing back, if he is not ready to move towards seeking recovery. That can be hard and leave you feeling conflicted etc. Though it looks like you have started doing this.

    Do continue to write here and also join the live support groups, if you can, and I hope discussions with others will help you.

    Best wishes,

    Monique

    #5396
    bosslady
    Participant

    Hard time tonite, we have seperated so he can work on him but its hard…like all the messed up stuff he put me through is ok and now he’s the victim… idk maybe im being selfish or childish…was everything he’s done truly because of addiction..i’ve never known someone with an addiction close to me..im feeling insecure and unimportant…as he reassures kids he loves them im left wondering do you still love me…i discovered the gambling while we were having some really rocky times in our marriage and am left with the i need to fix me before we can try to fix us…but i feel thrown aside…i don’t want to get in his way of doing what he needs and is displaying what he truly wants to do…i know my counselor advises distance between us while he does this on our own but its hard to be away from someone you have been with for so long..

    #5397
    Logic55
    Participant

    Hi Bosslady,

    I’m new to all of this too so perhaps can’t offer too many words of advice/support. But all i can say is is that this is a very powerful and manipulative problem that can make you feel completely worthless and desperate to make things better. You are doing incredibly well to be so strong and to be the rock and the consistency that your children need.

    Your post inspired me to be a little stronger today in my actions with my cg. I just wanted you to know that your strength helped me. So thank you

    #5398
    bosslady
    Participant

    Thank you for your words it is much appreciated and needed…each day is different it seems…wants needs..expectations..i feel like im on constant roller coaster..but the night is the worst..its hard to sleep cause i imagine the worst and replay lies..wondering whats addiction and whats just plain selfishness..i will continue to try to be strong but its so hard and everyday is up and down a ton..im not making things any easier we are seperated but i continue to call or text him (mainly text)..i feel im making it worse..

    #5399
    monique
    Participant

    It is hard to rest with so much going on in your life – and in your mind. I just have a couple of responses to what you have written. One is that a lot of aspects of a gambler’s life and character will be extremely difficult to ‘understand’ in a logical way and I wonder if, just for now, you could persuade yourself not even to try to work it all out? I say this for YOU. To give you a break. I know it’s easier to say than to do, but if you can try to tell yourself actively ‘just now I cannot understand all this, so I am going to do something that is practical and helpful for me – or even fun for me’. In other words, concentrate on something completely different and hopefully something more enjoyable. You may not succeed at putting your questions aside for long at a time to begin with, but, with practice, maybe you will find you can manage it more and more.

    Before you go to bed, try to do pleasant and relaxing things for you and whatever you know will help you to sleep. If complex issues come to mind, tell them firmly that you will see if there’s anything you can do about them in the morning.

    Regarding contact with your husband … separation may be temporary or permanent. At this point, you don’t need to have made that decision. But it could be good for you to have a bit more space at this time. Could you practise not making contact for a while? You know the situation, so you could decide if a day or several days or a week would be a realistic goal and just aim not to reach out to your phone for the period of time you choose. Does that sound like something that you could do? It might just help you to concentrate on the things that you can control and that are about the welfare of you and your children. It might help you see what you can manage and you can see if it makes you feel any more at ease.

    Just a couple of thoughts – take what is useful and ignore the rest.

    It’s good to see you writing here.

    Best wishes,

    Monique

    #5400
    Logic55
    Participant

    This could be something I wrote..

    I am exactly the same with my cg. Today I am abroad so not able to do anything more than text my cg. After last night i sent a normal text. I have had a combination of silent treatment, plain abuse and rejection.

    I always fall into the trap of texting back (because, like you I’m a fixer, so don’t like to leave things unresolved.) i often wonder what would happen if i just stopped. If i stopped fixing. And didn’t reply like he expects me to.

    I’m on the same rollercoaster. All i can say from my experience is that they cannot meet your emotional needs right now and what you are feeling and the emotions you have building up probably don’t really matter.. So you need to look after yourself emotionally first. Do something for you.

    After that, everything seems a bit calmer.

    #5401
    bosslady
    Participant

    Im struggling with the do i stay or go…we were having issues before this all came to light so im like was all the problems due to his addiction or his selfish nature.. at this point idk what is true or a lie was it because of addiction or betrayel or does the addiction cause the betrayel…so confused

    #5402
    bosslady
    Participant

    Your response helps so much…the biggest struggle im having right now is being seperated from someone i have been with for so long and not just my husband but my best friend…so he tends to act like a buddy and want to chit chat picking up or dropping off kids and even when kids arent around and i don’t think i can handle that..if i can’t text and call and do those wife things how can i still do these best friend things…it hurts..hurts to be around him.

    #5403
    Logic55
    Participant

    Obviously, I do not know the details of you issues you were having previously and I cannot advise on what you can do, so I shall tell you what I have learned about my CG – perhaps you will see something similar in what I say, That is maybe the only comfort I can give…

    Gamblers have by their nature low self-esteem and a willing to self-destruct. There doesnt seem to be any logic to this or consideration of the impact on others.

    My CG will turn to others who he know will give him an easy ego boost, when I am not telling him what he wants to hear. It KILLS me. He will tell others that we are no longer together to get what he wants or tell people I wasnt what he wanted and that he needs something from them. Obviously, this means for me that there is no trust. However, I believe that he does truely love me and all of this terrible beheviour is a side effect of the addiction.

    Noone around me understands why I would stay. There are so many”relationship dealbreakers” in what has happened. and I agree. But I am still there…

    #5404
    bosslady
    Participant

    You and i and our CG seem very similar..thank you so much for reaching out to me…it is nice to no im not alone that others are going though the same thing and can relate and im not crazy in all this..

    #5405
    Logic55
    Participant

    Yes, I think our CGs are very similar and you are not alone.
    Please keep posting because hearing from you helps to remind me of that 🙂

    You are definitely not crazy. I often get called a psycho because i dont just accept what my CG says and challenge him. That doesnt go down well very often. I’m trying to get better at finding a way to challenge the lies without provoking.

    #5406
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi BL
    I hope it will help you when I tell you that I would not be here writing to you if I didn’t know the addiction to gamble can be controlled.
    You feel you have lost your best friend and your husband has not only lost his too but he has lost himself.
    Everything he has done can certainly be true of addiction and I know it is incredibly difficult to believe that a CG can love you when they are behaving so unacceptably towards you – but they can or once again I would not be writing to you.
    It is probably impossible to know when your husband’s addiction began but it is common for those who love CGs to feel that there is something wrong long before it is known what is causing the rocky patches.
    The finest thing you can do for yourself and your husband during this break is to put yourself first, enjoy the things that his addiction will almost certainly have spoiled for you. See friends, indulge yourself, take up a new hobby or revitalise an old one but don’t waste time fretting over something that for the moment is out of your control.
    You are in the early days of separation and also just starting to gain knowledge of the addiction to gamble – it took me months. Every day does feel like a roller coaster but you can put the brakes on and give your brain some much needed TLC.
    I believe that a really good coping mechanism to stop the lies going round and round in your head is to write down all the bad things you have experienced with your husband’s addiction. Bang out all the anger and hurt on to a page, then file it away. If the next day more things that puzzled you, hurt you, confused you, start whizzing round in your mind with nowhere to go then write them down and file them away too. Keep going until there is nothing that he has said or done to rock your world that is not consigned to your journal. By taking your worries and putting them into an external hard-drive you will hopefully be able to stop the same thoughts crowding and clouding your mind. The hard drive can hold your confusion leaving you time and energy to work on you and what ‘you’ want to do.
    Hopefully your husband is using his time away to reflect on his behaviour but even if he isn’t ready to control his addiction yet, all the good things you do for yourself will put you back in the centre of your life rather than you living on the periphery of your husbands. To face a gambling addiction takes courage and when a CG makes a leap of faith there is often a void – if you have been looking after yourself you can be the rock on which he can rebuild his life. When he controls his addiction then you can destroy the pages and live ‘your’ life free of the inner turmoil.
    The addiction to gamble is selfish and the way a CG changes his life has to be selfish too – they have to work hard at who they have become and the less distraction at this time the better. You won’t know yet what is true and what is not but you can know that you are not to blame for his addiction and he didn’t ask for or want his addiction any more than you.
    I was hoping you would have made the group tonight but keep posting because you are creating a journal here and it is the experience that most, if not all, F&F members who use this site surprise themselves when they look back and see how far they have come.
    I don’t know what your outcome will be – over the years our members have travelled on every road and arrived at many different destinations but none of those outcomes are ever judged, we have to make of our lives what we will. I believe that with knowledge though we make better informed decisions.
    Velvet

    #5407
    bosslady
    Participant

    I feel like im actually finding myself right now…i have continued to see our counselor on my own and have realized so much about myself and what i need to do for myself. Each day is still hard…but i have chosen to give it to GOD instead of kill myself with this pain…that has helped immensely…i don’t know what i want right now but i don’t have to decide right now..thats kinda the hardest part..patience is not my strong suit..but each day i have looking back and saying ok i did it..today.

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