12 August 2016 at 11:18 pm #4745
I am not sure what reaction you wanted from your husband. Most CGs react badly to ultimatums – if you want to talk to him about separating it is important that you know what you really want as an outcome.
His disappearance probably means he is on a gambling binge which would be a common reaction for a CG to something as final as a legal separation.
Please keep posting and tell me what it is that ‘you’ really want.
Velvet13 August 2016 at 12:38 am #4746
Velvet, I figured he would either be realay angry and mean or tearful and try to convince me he’s been clean. This is based on his behavior in the past. However, this is different in the fact that I am serious ND I think he knows it. In the past, I have always responded with love and support. I am ready to new off this Roller coaster and have peace in my life. I know I cannot change him or his actions. Maybe this will be the catalyst for him seeing he needs help. For him, I hope so. If he chooses to continue this kind of life, I can do nothing to stop him. I can protect myself and my son and our future. I am ready to be happy again and if that means without him, then I will have to go through that. My initial goal is actual physical legal separation. Thanks for your input.14 August 2016 at 12:52 pm #4747
Thanks for your update which has helped me appreciate your strength of mind.
I can hear in your post that you are not only serious but that you have made an informed decision which means it is almost certainly the right one for you.
Not all relationships have the outcome that is wanted and sometimes there is, I believe, no healthy choice but to separate.
Having made your decision, I suspect your husband heard the strength in your voice and words and he is probably indulging his addiction for his answer – if he is, it is not your fault.
Early recoveries are often difficult for F&F so please keep posting.
I hope this will be the catalyst for him but whatever happens, I wish you both well.
Velvet14 August 2016 at 1:23 pm #4748
Velevt, thanks so much for your response. Since my last post some things have happened. He came home packed his bag initially didn’t want to talk but ended up declaring on his own that he had his gambling under control, he has only gambled “small amounts” and no matter what he does it isn’t good enough for me. He said he won’t go to counseling but would occasionally go to a GA meeting. I think he is in denial. He hugged me and kissed me and our son and left. During this entire time we are both crying. I hope that he reaches the point that is his rock bottom and seeks help. It breaks my heart but as you know it has been broken and re broken over and over. He has no sense or idea the act his addiction has had on his family and I understand this is part of the addiction. I want him to get well but at this time I’m not sure if we will reunite or not. I’m trying to take this day by day or minute by minute. My priority at this time is my son and myself. I will focus on our health and recovery. Regardless I will always love my husband, but I may not be able to be his wife anymore. I will always be his friend if he decides to accept that.16 August 2016 at 2:32 pm #4749
Just an update. My husband was gone for 2 days. Upon returning he says he has his gambling under control. He’s refusing to go to therapy or counseling. During our talk his focus was on how hard it has been for him to be away. He says being away has made hI’m realize he has to and can quit on his own. I told him I love you and separation to me means we need time apart, there is hope, we r still married but I can’t live this way anymore. It ended with him saying he’s trying to figure out where to go. He wouldn’t speak to me again last night or this am. In my mind he still is in denial and doesn’t grasp the extent of his addiction or the damage it has caused. It breaks my heart to see him sad and crying, but that has been my life for years. I’m awaiting him to contact me and telling me his plans. If anyone else has thought also I welcome them. Thank you.16 August 2016 at 7:45 pm #4750
I suspect he is not talking to you because he doesn’t know what to do and/or he doesn’t want to talk about separation and controlling his addiction.
Maybe you could tell him that you are taking his addiction seriously and you have sought support for you and that support informs you that he is unlikely to be able to control his addiction on his own and why try when there is so much willing help available.
This site offers anonymity; he can access support from our helpline, our CG groups and out CG forum and nobody will ever know who he is.
I can still hear the strength of your conviction that you cannot live this way and I am hoping that he can hear it too.
Keep going Shelly, you are doing well.
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