[Jezi]

Hi everyone, i’m a compulsive gambler and had my last relapse less than a week ago. Haven’t honestly stayed gambling free more than a couple of weeks at a time for the last ten years. This is of course something i am not proud of and i feel like I’ve lived in a prison for a long time cause of my gambling problem. The thoughts are constantly there, each and every day. Guilt and anxiety has become a part of my daily life. I have never told anyone that i have a problem. The summer of 2018 was hell, i had severve anxiety and suicidal thoughts every day. I was scared to drive alone because i thought i wouldnt be able to control myself if i got an urge to drive off the road. The autumn and winter was occupied by a lot of work although i still kept on gambling for large amounts. The weird thing is that i had almost no feelings wheter i lost or won. Of course i got anxious if i had lost a lot of money but it was like i had no feelings left, nothing was fun anymore, not even gambling, it was just a something i had to do wheter i wanted to or not. I just could not control it and felt like i couldnt fight it,I had no energy to. 

I have been making up lies for my husband for the last year as my problem reached new heights in terms of the amounts i have spent on gambling the last year. I am embarrased even writing this, like i should know better im 35 years old, married with two kids. 

But this is me, i want to change and i need help. 

Lots of love / Jez

[Dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Steev]

You have taken the first step in addressing your problem by admitting it here, well done Jezi.

We have all had thoughts of ending it all – at some point when we were gambling … I think that it is a wish to end our “gambling life” and you CAN do this with support. You need to get help locally, call a helpline for GA or similar, or speak to someone in your family, or (if that is too difficult at this stage) a trusted friend.

You will at some point need to come clean with your family – no more lies – but as you construct your gamble free live there will be less and less need for them.

Right now – support is what you need – come to group meetings here – talk about what is going on for you and start to make a new gamble -free life for yourself. I wish you well.

[Jezi]

Thanks for commenting. I’ll definitly join a group session when i can. I would love to tell someone close about my problem but i’m not there yet. I’m afraid it would lead to more anxiety and leave me feeling ashamed of myself- which i already am. It’s tough to do this alone, thats for sure. But i am ready to leave my gambling life behind, i dont want to live like a compulsive gambler anymore. I just want to feel free and not have to think about gambling every day. 

Also i think youre right about thoughts of suicide often resembels the wish to stop gambling. Good to hear im not the only one whos had these thoughts. It just got very overwhelming last summer. 

[Jezi]

Makes me nervous , been here many times before and always relapsed within the second week ( apart from when i have maxed out my credit card, in that case 2 weeks at most).

Anyhow i have now blocked myself from the casinos I’ve used before which means they should not be able to Contact me in any way. I dont want to see another email or txt message in my phone with great offers or surprise cash gifts. Hope you guys are doing good out there.

Jez

[Steev]

And great to hear that you are one week gamble free – I know what an achievement that is in the early days. I hope you are finding the support you need. Gambling is something we do alone, even when we are in a casino or arcade, we don’t make friends with the other punters – but you need friends now. People that will look out for you. You will need to come clean about your problem to those nearest to you at some point. Being in recovery means not keeping secrets or lying about what we have done. I know it is a big step, but better now than being found out when you were gambling. Talk to people in group or at GA and get the support you need to do this. You’re doing great!

[Jezi]

Thanks! The day went by just fine thanks to a lot of work. The urge to gamble is not so strong today, but on the other hand nothing has triggered me to gamble. I know from before that the sense of control is false as its like a high in itself to get off the gambling train in the beginning. 

I know that you are right about coming clean about my problem – no more lies , but i just dont know if I will ever be able to do it. I cant even explain why? I should be happy – and i am greatful for the life i have today. 10 years ago i lived in an absolute nightmare and was at rock bottom. One thing that that makes it even worse is that i have lived with a gambling addict myself (he was an alcoholic too and very abusive) – it was awful and i got dragged in financially and started lying to people around us and his family to protect him, but also myself. I would not want anyone else to feel the way i did back then. I dont even know how i got myself into this mess, it’s really sickening and i should know better. 

I will try to join a group here some day soon and stay on the forum as i dont have anyone else to talk to.

Have a nice evening!

[jen3]

You are doing good! Stay strong. I pray you find the courage to tell your husband so he can maybe help you..

[Steev]

If you have not been talking to anyone about your problem then I am not surprised that you have only been able to keep gambling free for a couple of weeks at a time. This is really not an addiction that you can tackle alone. I’m glad to hear that your life is better now than it was 10 years ago – but you would not be posting here if things were okay. We all define what our own rock bottom is, but I don’t think that it means that we have to wait until things are truly terrible before we get serious about stopping. We all deserve better than that. You and your family deserve better than that. I hope today is going well for you and is again gamble free. Good to hear from you!

[Jezi]

Thanks jen! I hope one day i will find the courage to tell my husband. I just dont know how as of right now. I got caught like 7 years ago and he did not understand at all. That time i had only played for a smaller sum so im terrified of telling him about the amounts ive spent the last few years. 

Hope you are doing good!

Jez

 

[Jezi]

First of all thank you for commenting, it actually really makes a difference and keeps me wanting to stay gamble free. I understand what youre saying, rock bottom can mean different things for different people and at different stages in life. Im happy in a way that im determined to make a real effort to quit, but it also means that i eventually have to hurt people i love in a way i havent before by telling them. Sure i have been distant and agitated cause of my problem which needs to stop. Im just so very afraid that it would lead to zero trust or worse. 

I still have not gambled, yay! 1 week and 2 days. Now the weekend is here and my mind is spinning with gambling thoughts. But i wont and cant do it. Tonight i will spend time with my loved ones and give them time and attention.

 

[i-did-it]

Hi Jesi
Your situation sounds similar to mine.
I might be way off but I believe that people who tell loved ones , no matter how difficult it is for them to do so , know deep down that their loved ones will support them in a respectful way . How do they know -? possibly because that loved one has enabled them or bailed them out in the past either with gambling or other situations. All relationships aren’t the same and all partners aren’t able to deal with this issue in a supportive helpful way!

I do not have someone like that in my life that I can confide in. I have this forum and I attend the groups . It has been immensely helful to me and despite slips and slides along the way I am in a much better situation than I was some years ago.

I think the pressure of feeling I had to tell would make me feel like I needed to gamble to win back so there was no need to tell.

Do what works for you ! For now you only need to get one gamble free day – today! You know your partner – no one else on here does!
Don’t feel you need to do anything more – besides you are telling people – you have come on here , you have sought support , you have told us , and you have got an amazing full week gamble free!.
Jezi – every time you get an urge write about it ! Keep building up those days . You are doing really great – the early days are so hard !
Keep strong xx

[Jezi]

Good to hear that im not alone! I wish that i could just tell my husband or anyone in my family, or a friend. Its just a little more complicated than it seems in my case. I know for a fact that my family and my husband + family thinks that gambling addictions arent real, not even substance abuse of any kind. According to them any addict is just a stupid weak person and that you just decide if you want to quit or not. Therefore at this point i think that telling them would make the situation worse for me. As you say – if someone had known before or had bailed me out or showed concern about my gambling things would be different.

Unfortunately i have been too good at hiding my problem. When my addiction speaks i have the best poker face and can make up brilliant stories as of why i have spent crazy amounts of money. I have done crazy things to hide my problem and lied, lied lied. Like i told hen, i got caught once like 7 years ago and i had only played for a small amount that time. My husband got so mad and dissapointed, i dont even think he realised i already had a problem, that i just made a stupid move. I promised to never do it again and since then we have never adressed the issue. I dont really know how the groups work here but i would love to join as i cant go to any local ones cause of my job.

Hope you are good:)

[Jezi]

Weekends that arent planned are the worst for me. Since i decided to stop gambling last week i also felt like i had to stop drinking alcohol because i know its a trigger for me. I dont think i have a drinking problem but somehow drinking alcohol makes me want to gamble. Anyone else?

Now i feel like i have no way to relax. Had a rough week at work which drained a lot of energy. Took the family out today and all was fine..now we are home, kids playing on their own, hubby went to play with the cars and im on the couch feeling irritable and bored. Cleaned the house all morning, have nothing i can fix or do and cant even have a glass of wine. I told my husband i wanna have a White month after the holidays, dunno how long i can keep that up. Sorry for a negative post but today is hard.

[Steev]

Your post doesn’t sound negative to me, but real. Weekends can be difficult without work to distract. What did you do to relax before gambling? Could you pick it up again? Is there something you always wanted to do but felt you didn’t have time for?

Drinking wasn’t a trigger for me, but when I stopped gambling I drank more – I had more time! But I have seen people switch one addiction for another, be it food, drink or shopping etc.

I used to do courses at weekends from basic counselling to dancing, but that wouldn’t be relaxation for some. I hope the suggestions help. Maybe people will chip in with others.

[Jezi]

Good input! Before i even started gambling i would put a lot of time and effort into producing music and being in different bands. I also took a lot of acting classes altough music always was my main priority. I was happy and it was very rewarding having gigs and producing music as an artist myself and along with others. 

Unfortunately there was a lot of drinking and partying involved, when i had kids at a fairly young age it had to stop because the people i hung out with continued the same way when i had a baby to take care of. I lost interest as it was no longer rewarding in the sense of getting approval from others. I became very lonely at the time as i also lived in a very abusive relationship and had no time for myself anymore. 

I would love to have my own studio and be able to channel out my emotions through music once again. Now i only have a piano that i never or very occasionally play. Im never home alone and my family finds it disturbing haha so yeah a soundproof studio would be awesome. 

I can see how one addiction could easily be switched for another, dont want to go there. 

Had a glass of wine for dinner now, couldnt resist as my husband opened a good bottle of wine. But thats it for today, want to be clear minded.

[Jezi]

New day, a week and a half gambling free. Approaching the longest period of time without gambling in many years. Strangely the urge to gamble isnt fading, it’s increasing day by day. Im so glad i blocked myself from the casinos ive been using as i have to confess i most likely would have slipped last night if it wasnt for the block. I even started the registration process at a new casino but managed to close the page down before i even finished the registration process. Felt like a fool afterwards and today aswell for almost giving in to the urge. I hope i can look back in the future and take pride in those moments that led to a gamble free life. Have a lovely Sunday peeps!

[Steev]

Well done for keeping strong and not registering … I was interested in your passion for music and wondered if that could be a good distraction for you. Rather than explore new casinos you could explore new ways of being creative with music online.

I did go back to the piano when I stopped gambling, but then found I was more interested in world music and exploring the music of different countries some of which were totally new to me. Who knew that Finnish folk could be so beautiful.

I know the next few days will be a tricky time for you as you try and break the two week barrier. You can click on the “groups” button from the homepage and find out when the next is being held. I’ve only been once so am no expert, hopefully others will fill you in.

I hope some of this helps. Go well.

[Jezi]

Yes and yes music is still a passion, i listen to all kinds of music and it helps. I love different styles of music from all over the world.

Tonight was fine until i accidentally put my hand into a pile of superglue that my daughter had spilled on her drawer. I totally panicked and caused a lot of drama. Feel so bad for my family right now, i normally wouldnt react like this but this gambling stop is affecting me in ways i couldnt imagine. I seriously thought i was going to pass out for a moment as i tried to wash it off. Like really i know that water and glue doesnt go hand in hand but ive lost all my sensibility. Feels like im walking on needles.

Anyhow i have apologized to everyone for causing such a drama and theyre all fine now, but im not. On a positive note i really dont feel like gambling now as i never wanna go through this again.

[Jezi]

I can see that a lot of you are struggling real hard, i dont believe that a lot of people understand gambling addiction which makes it harder of course. I just wanna say that its not about being stupid or smart when you have an addiction. You do bad things because of the addiction. But i also understand that you can change your brain to kicks from other things than gambling. Its gonna be hard but i believe that we can do it if we really want to. Have a good week you guys ×××

[Jezi]

Bad day, havent slept properly in a long time. Have no apetite or lust to do anything really apart from what im obliged to. I hope this phase of withdrawal wont last much longer as im not sure how long anyone can function in this state. I keep forgetting things all the time and get in my head a lot even at work. Ive figured out that ive always had quite a selfdestrucrive way of living. I dont know anything else. I dont know what its like to live a normal life with only minor problems. I also keep shifting from positive to negative regarding my own ability to stop gambling for good.

I’ll try to join a group tonight.

Edit: couldnt get in,there was never a green button and then it dissapeared 🙁 

[Steev]

Yeah, I didn’t find getting into groups easy. I found I had to go in via the groups page and NOT the timetable. Maybe someone more experienced or a mod could help.

Sorry to hear your head is a mess, but well done for not gambling. It does get easier in time but that’s probably no comfort right now. Is there something you could treat yourself to? I know you will be reluctant to spend money right now and especially on yourself, but something inexpensive which will keep you further away from a bet? You are worth it.

[Jezi]

I figured it out eventually and managed to join the new members group. It helped for the moment so im happy about that. Will definitly try some other ones this week. 

I actually have a trip to look forward to this weekend. The thing is it feels kind of wrong as its something ive lied about too and is connected to gambling. To tell the truth its a trip i won through a casino site a while ago. My husband does not know this and thinks ive paid for it on my own. I see that this behaviour is totally wrong as im writing this. I think the right thing would be to tell him but i also dont want to ruin it as i know hes looking forward to it. What a mess eh?

[Jezi]

Today i made the deciscion to contact a local GA group for some questions and im waiting for someone to call me for more info. Im dead nervous! I can not go on like this any longer , tonight i slept 2 hours in total. I need to be sharp at work, and i think my symptoms are getting worse cause im not sleeping.

[Jezi]

Update: someone called and told me their story, then i told mine sort of, cutting it very short. I was so nervous my hands were shaking throughout the whole conversation. I still cant believe i did it, never thought it was gonna happen. Im so shaken up right now but tired at the same time. What a day.

Booked myself into a meeting on thursday. I hope i will have the courage to go. Need some extra strength to get through this week.

[Jezi]

After i came home i opened my mastercard statement for december. All i saw was a bunch of transactions to online casinos. I know theres gonna be another bill in february with more transactions with a bunch of casino deposits. I dont EVER want to see them again. Ive always made up lies as of why my husband cant open my bills cause of gambling, no more of that. February will be the last. I know that self medicating is not healthy but ive had almost a bottle of wine for the sole purpose of getting some sleep tonight.

[Steev]

It sounds as if you are taking the steps needed for your recovery. It is scary, but like the title of a self-help book, sometimes you need to feel the fear and do it anyway. I am sure you will get lots of support at GA and hopefully some practical advice about finances too.

No shame in getting help to sleep – just don’t make a habit of it!

I hope all goes well this week and you keep on your recovery journey.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jezi,
Once many years ago I played online bingo and I left some tickets playing . Next thing I knew a stupid foot spa arrived in the post. I didn’t know what to with it or how to hide it – I had won it on some bingo game . I think it went to a charity shop in the end . It is so hard to tell but I think it might be easier when we get gamble free time behind us and our finances straightened out.
You are doing really well – enjoy the weekend and see it as a celebration of your new life – free from this horrible curse.

You deserve this weekend !
Xx

[vera]

You DID pay for that trip, Jez (indirectly) ten times over!!

[Jezi]

That sounds fair. I know that facing fears makes you stronger. I overcame my fear of speaking in front of other people at university a few years ago just because i was forced to do it over and over again. This is another kind of fear cause of whats at stake if things go wrong. 

Wine didnt help to sleep unfortunately. But off to work, three more days. Tomorrow meeting, so nervous.

[Jezi]

The foot spa gift was kinda weird i agree! I’ll try to enjoy this trip even though its gambling related. 11 hours on a plane is the only thing im dreading, too much time to think. If the right time comes when we are away i might tell my husband . Theres no turning back now. I am so angry with myself that it had to come to this. When i decided to stop gambling almost two weeks ago i felt strong, well that didnt last long. Hope you are doing good and that youre having a smooth recovery. Stay strong xxxx

[Steev]

Lets face it – you have paid for it and so you don’t need to feel guilty about it. My only concern would be that if it is linked to gambling, will they be expecting you to gamble over the weekend. Obviously this will be a no-no and you may have to explain to your husband why, if you are put into this position. But cross that bridge when you come to it.

You said, “This is another kind of fear cause of whats at stake if things go wrong.” I don’t know what is at stake (are you sure you know?) but if you can accept the worst that can happen then it might help for you to take the next step. The other thing to think about is what will happen if you keep gambling. I know for me I could only see three outcomes, being down and out – homeless; prison – if I committed a crime to get the money I needed; and death by suicide or stress caused by over work!!

Being in recovery is not a walk in the park. I still have to consider that I am not like others and there are places I can’t go because I might be triggered. I’m still dealing with debts many years after stopping actively gambling and I often have thoughts of what might have been if I had not caught the gambling bug. But being in recovery is a WHOLE lot better than actively gambling and far, far better than the outcomes I outlined earlier.

I hope you have a great time away!

[Nick]

Hi jezi thanks for your message on my journal, well done on taking the first step on going to attend ga hope it goes well for you.

[Jezi]

Goodmorning, the trip in itself wont be a problem as there wont be any gambling involved unless i would bring it on myself. Its just the fact that its a casino win and ive told my husband its something i paid for on my own. But im gonna look at it this way – ive wasted so much money at this casino and i couldnt trade the win for cash – which was good. So im gonna try to enjoy the fact that i finally got something back from them. 

I can not be a 100% sure of course what would happen if i told my husband. But remembering his words when i got caught before and his current view of gambling obviously leaves me terrified. So the worst that could happen is – divorce, losing my job and my Children + all that comes with that. Total downfall in other words. 

Today i was supposed to celebrate two weeks gambling free. That did not happen unfortunately. Yesterday was a really bad day mentally and i thought if i could just feel good for 10 mins it would be worth it. I got around all the blocks after finding a new casino with some flaws in their system which allowed me to make a deposit. – it didnt feel good so in one way im kind of glad that it happened. Maybe it would have been different if id won, but i didnt. So i stopped and felt like crap, what a betrayal to myself. 

Today is a new day and im attending the ga meeting.

I can very much relate to thinking a lot about what my life would have looked like without gambling. But like you say, a gamble free life is definitly a whole lot better.

Have a great day, and thanks for your inputs once again.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jezi I have been there so often – it is amazing how we find ways around our barriers when we are determined to gamble – but I also have learned from these mistakes.

I agree you shouldn’t do anything which will put your marriage and your family at risk. Telling your husband isn’t an essential part of recovery , although I think it might be part of what GA recommends – there are many ways to go about achieving a gamble free life.

Well done on seeking out that meeting  and I hope you get lots from it . Onwards and upwards Idi.xx

[Steev]

Hi Jezi. Sorry to hear that you have gambled. It is a devastating feeling when you have vowed never to do it again. Good to sort out going to GA and I hope that has been worth while.

When you get back from your weekend – make sure you have support around for when you get back in your familar surroundings. I hope you can post here to let us know how it went.

Here’s to a great and gamble free weekend for you and your husband!

[Jezi]

Last day of work before departure. I will be away for 8 days which i hope will do us both good. Am gonna miss the kids and the doggie, but i wont miss being at home which is where ive gambled most of the time. Theres probably unidentified triggers all over the place that i havent thought of yet. If i dont feel better when we get back home i need to seek out some extra help i think.

Right now my main concern is some kind of mental break down during the trip or that id tell my husband and it goes very very bad. Im gonna try to relax and hopefully distans myself a bit from my gambling habits. Still havent slept and cant eat. Trying to think positive thoughts though! Gonna go home and pack after work + drop off the kids and dog at the grannies.

Thanks everyone who was in the chat group yesterday, it was good talking to you.

Wishing everyone a great gamble free weekend 🙂

[Jezi]

Haha yes, way more. They owe me big time so im gonna try to enjoy it.

[Steev]

Hi Jezi – it was good to talk to you yesterday.  I think having a break from your home may well help you to identify what are your triggers for gambling – then you need to make changes in order to stop the triggers from happening.  I moved house!!  I’m not suggesting you go that far – but I do suggest that you do as much as you can to stop being triggered – after all it is your survival and the survival of your family life that we are talking about here.  Yes make sure you have good support for your return – and I look forward to hearing from you.  Have a great trip!

[BEEM]

Have a good hopefully relaxing gamble free weekend and good luck with abstinence from gambling long term 

[i-did-it]

Hi Jezi
I hope you are having a wonderful time. It was lovely to chat with you also. I hope the change of environment helps you get a few good nights sleep.

[Jezi]

I dont know where to start but i’ll try to cut it short.
The flight down was absolutely horrible. 11 hours on a plane leaves a lot of time to think. My husband slept through most of it as it was an overnight flight. I on the other hand could not sleep at all and was totallly consumed by thoughts of everything thats happened this past week. Talking to all of the wonderful people here and the ga meeting. Finally had a much needed release and cried myself through several hours underneath my blanket.

During the 3 hour bus ride i decided that i have to tell him sooner or later and tried to think of how and when. I decided that i would let him have this week without telling – and myself incase he would say the worst possible, just one more week.

We arrived and went down to the beach, sat down , had a drink and i tried to hold a normal conversation. Asked about his new job etcetera. Thats when i really noticed thats he was different – edgy and not his old happy self. I know that he loves travelling so this was not like him at all. Well, honestly i had noticed for a long time but blamed it on other things. After some time ( and drinks!! Haha) I finally had enough courage to open up a bit about me being in some sort of crisis. I didnt tell about the gambling part but other stuff thats also bothering me, hoping that he would bring it up if he already knew so I wouldnt have to say it out loud. After all i had decided not to ruin this week. Conversation went along pretty good and he seemed a bit more relaxed when we got back to the room.

Went to dinner in the evening and you have probably already guessed it – but yes, i finally told him! Could not wait one more day, it had to be said. Turns out he knew, or suspected anyways but never said anything. We talked and talked for hours and we are gonna make it through this. Can not believe it went down so well and for the first time in ages i feel a sense of hope. Now i just have to do this- no more gambling.

I am so glad that i joined this forum. I dont know what i would have done without you guys. ❤

[jen3]

I am relieved for you….

[Steev]

An 11 hours flight and then a three hour bus journey – sounds like you are visiting a remote tribe or something!

Well it wasn’t the worst that could happen and you have managed to cope with it. It must be such a relief to be clean about your gambling and knowing that you don’t have to lie any more. I think sometimes loved ones are more hurt by the lying and lack of trust than they are by the gambling.

I liked the phrase “we are gonna make it through this.” By WE does that mean that he is willing to take an active part in your recovery? That would be good, both from a practical point of view in the handling of finances, watching for triggers etc. but also the emotional stance – as you will change as a person through your recovery – better from your point of view, but for him it may be like being with a different person. He might need to learn to change and adapt to the new you – and need support for himself in this.

Whatever happens I hope this is the start of your new life and enjoy the rest of your break before the mammoth journey back to civilization!

[Jezi]

Haha it’s just that i live in the north pole kinda, i have only gotten as far as Thailand this time.

He is hurt as i expected and it’s hard to see. The lying and lack of trust is surely the worst part. He even told me that he was thinking about divorce as i just kept on going and lied even though he sort of knew cause i always hid my credit card bills. But he also said it was relieving that i told him and we can go from here to regain a healthy relationship. I tried to explain why and so on, but being messy headed makes it hard. I think some of it made sense at least.

Today i woke up feeling a lot lighter but keep having episodes of anxiety and a feeling of unrealness. It’s gonna take a while before it really sinks in that i absolutely can not gamble anymore now that i have told him – dont get me wrong, i dont want to either. Last day i gambled was friday before we left as some kind of attempt to feel better -AGAIN. This can never happen anymore. So im on my third day now as i messed up bigtime last week.

Neither of us knows how to get through this, will have to figure that out. I told him that he could attend the local ga for relatives but he does not want to do that at this point.

Gonna have to take one day at a time i guess.

[Jezi]

Thanks jen, never thought it would happen.

[charles]

Hi Jezi,

Well done on being honest with your husband. There is an old saying – actions speak louder than words. By the time we come here our words and promises often don’t mean much to those around us, they have heard them before. The actions that will help you stop gambling are the same actions that can help rebuild trust etc

Well done on telling him about that local GA, tell him about the Friends and Family Forum we have here as well maybe.

Keep posting.

[Steev]

Thailand eh? Well it must be warmer than here shivering at around freezing! I hope things are going well and there are no triggers for you there.

I know asking a loved one to attend a meeting, even on-line is a bit daunting and often they can’t see why THEY should do anything – but it would be helpful for your relationship going forwards. It is just a thought but maybe he would be more into reading some material from GAMANON or another organisation for familes of CGs.

Other than that – as Charles says if you could convince him to maybe look at the forum posts from the families and friends board to get a sense of what the journey of recovery could be like.

Well done on day 3 (or is it 4 now) I hope you have many more gamble free days to come.

[Jezi]

Charles – i love that saying, makes a lot of sense. I told him to use Google to find out more about compulsive gambling. I dunno if he has yet, also said that if he has any questions he can ask me and i will tell as much as i know. He has a hard time adressing the issue which makes it tricky as i dont want to push him too hard. Since Sunday we have only talked briefly about it once. Im hoping he understands that the problem wont just go away because i told him. I think i need to give him some time to let it sink in.

Steev- yes, i sure dont miss the cold. The ocean is calming for the mind. Lol just as i wrote that a huge wave came washing over me. Anyhow there are no triggers here, no casinos, no ads for gambling on the telly, and no tasks that stresses me out. Im more worried about when we get back home, but thats another det. Day 4 now so getting through the first week without gambling probably wont be that hard. Im just exhausted both mentally and physically, had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning so this trip came at the very right time as i need to rest and fill up my energy levels.

Have an awesome day folks xxx

[i-did-it]

Wow Jezi
You have been busy!
I am so glad you confided in your husband and more importantly that he was supportive.
You have your whole wonderful life ahead of you with only one thing you cannot do !

You wrote on my thread that you are thinking of decorating . I really want a silver room so I think that will be my goal. I have a few gold pieces I have to make do with (headboard) for now so I will have to be creative! Have you a colour scheme in mind?
You sound so positive and full of hope and so you should be . Life is going to get better and better.

[Jezi]

Thanks idi! It feels great and awful at the same time. I can see that he is having a hard time dealing with it which hurts. But im trying to be as supportive as i can. He doesnt know what to do when anxiety hits, but its ok. This is a new situation, im used to having anxiety attacks cause of gambling but since we have had quite a strained relationship over the last few years ive always been able to hide them. Now they just come outta nowhere and everything literally zooms out and i cant think. That is new and something i guess wont just go away in the near future. But hey life goes on, if i just stay free of gambling im sure it will pass.

Your decoration ideas sound superb! I love being creative but gambling kinda killed it, not entirely so im definitly going to get my creative juices flowing once we get back home. Havent renovated the house since we moved in 8 years ago! 

[Jezi]

My heart is shattered. Had a great day with talks about everything and nothing. I opened up some more about my gambling problem and he seemed to understand and told me he was proud that im finally admitting it and seeking out for help. At dinner we talked some more and all was fine, got back home and i suddenly felt nauseous. Thought that maybe id eaten something bad, 1 minute later i had the worst panic attack ever which lasted for what seemed an eternity, tried to stop it cause i did not want to scare him. Couldnt breath, couldnt speak and all the while he just sat there in shock. I felt so bad for him that he had to see that. Afterwards he was not able to talk about it but i tried and then eventually he said he needed time to process it. Feeling like a total failure.

[Steev]

Really – you are not. You have admitted to having a problem an illness called compulsive gambling – and you are doing something about it.

I think your husband may just need a little time – time to himself to adjust to what he has heard from you in the last few days. Maybe give him some space to take things in. You are responsible for yourself and for looking after your own recovery – you don’t have to do things FOR your husband but it would be great if you can do things WITH your husband and to face the future together.

Sorry to hear about your panic attack. It must have been very frightening at the time, but you have come through it. Again maybe a visit to your GP would be in order when you come home.

Hope the trip is going well otherwise and you are enjoying the sun!

[Jezi]

Thank you for your kind words. Today is a new day and i think we are both feeling a lot better. It came all unexpected which threw us both off a bit. I am gonna give him space and i thought i had – but not enough as it seems. Maybe opening up was too overwhelming for me and thats what caused it. This morning ive been listening to music and grounding to earth. I’ve thought about something important referred to a lot in the yoga culture- to give the thinking mind a break which i think is something i have to do more often. 

I hope you will have a great day:)

[Jezi]

After all thats happened over the last few weeks im starting to see things from a different perspective. I realise that my gambling problem stems from a lot of different things thats happened in my life but also who i am as a person that i have never dealt with. I have always been strong for others and eager to help whenever i can. That part of me has also helped put aside my own problems for better or for worse. Ever since i was a child I’ve been what some call a natures child. I feel so at home when im outside in the forest or here on the beach. I love animals, they are so innocent and beautiful creatures. Being creative in any way is also helpful which is why im going to pick that up when i come back home.

I have also realised that i am hopelessly impulsive (always been) which of course does not help being a compulsive gambler.

I wish you all a beautiful day xxxx

[i-did-it]

Hi Jezi, Much of your post resonates with me. I think sometimes when we are being strong for others we are being self sacrificing. Most of us when we dream of the big win, only think of what we can do for others with it. We rarely think we will get a big car – we are more likely to think we will surprise someone else with a new car.

I think part of recovery is putting ourselves first- this is not selfish- this is necessity as we have learned that our self sacrificing hasn’t worked for us . This may be taking the time to embrace our creative side.

It occurs to me that the things I loved to do as a child are still the things I dream about in my head – the creative things you talk about.

How about if every day we do one thing for ourselves which we wouldn’t normally do? We do it regardless of who has demands on our time or money? Perhaps that’s your time in nature or an hour you carve out to embrace your creative side.

I think this is important because it retrains our brains to value ourselves – which is a huge part of our recovery .when we value  ourselves we value our money and what it can do for us .

Jezi, I wish you a beautiful day too.

[Steev]

I think one of the exciting things about recovery in the longer term is the (re) discovering of who I really am. For many years I was, “Steev the gambler.” Then for some more years I was “Steev the recovering gambler” and it is only recently that I have been working on a new identity for myself. Who am I really, especially who am I without gambling.

The only thing I can suggest is looking at what you were doing before gambling. What were you interests and dreams then? I had a very poor self-image and felt I didn’t deserve things for myself – but it was okay to put myself out for others. I’d always wanted to travel, but didn’t get on a plane until I was in my 30s and then I felt guilty about it.

Have a good think about how you want your new life to be. Counselling would be really good for this – a place to bounce ideas off someone who will be supportive and has no personal axe to grind.

I hope you have support in place, now you are coming home and I look forwards to further posts …

[Jezi]

I can see that this journey is going to reshape who i am as a person in many ways. Scary in one aspect but also exciting. Yesterday was all up and down, a lot of mixed emotions to go through. Today is fragile and im feeling imbalanced. Last day here before we head back home to reality. Not gambling here has been fairly easy, one week free today. Have Monday off at least and then back to work. 

I am terrified about coming home to tell the truth. Dont know what it’s going to be like now that I’ve told my husband. I understand what you mean about feeling guilty when you do something for yourself. I have to work on that.

Probably will have to seek out for a good counsellor once we get back and perhaps have a visit to my gp like you said. 

Have a good day!

[vera]

You will find GA helpful at this stage, Jez. Meeting people who understand the emotional turmoil will help you to see you are not alone with those feelings.

Take each day as it come.

We can’t hurry time or love.

Time will end. Love won’t!

[Jezi]

Thank you for that very important reminder Vera, you are absolutely right. 

And yes i think i really need to be in the company of other people who really does understand what i am going through. As for now i have a hard time grasping that this IS real which is frightening. It’s like this is some kind of joke and that im actually really losing it. I hope to god that it’s just a passing feeling. 

Hope you are having a wonderful weekend xxx

[Jezi]

To top everything up i managed to get stung by some kind of jellyfish. Dont know what it was but im still breathing so i suppose im not going to die at least. So now i have tried that too lol life is really testing me right now.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jezi.
It was an anti-gambling vaccination. Maybe it has a gambling preventative serum!
Is it painful ?
When you get home remember to make a little time for yourself every day. You are in withdrawal and like with drug withdrawal , your emotions will,be all over the place for a while. Add the end of holiday blues to that and I am not surprised you are feeling a little “imbalanced”.

This will pass however, and you wil go on to feel better and better.

Look after that sting .

[Jezi]

Haha idi i hope so! It wasnt all that bad after all. No pain now anyhow.

Now we are home – everything is real. Have called in sick for a couple of days as im afriad the anxiety will get the best of me. I also made a phone call to my GP which was awkward but now i have an appointment booked for friday.

Closed down the new account that i opened before we left which leaves me nowhere to gamble – that i know of at least. Am not going to investigate further options and if i would in a weak moment it would require a lot more time, thinking and effort to actually gamble.

My husband put away my credit card also. Feels good.

[charles]

Well done on the steps you have taken Jezi

[Jezi]

Being at home alone when you are a compulsive gambler is maybe not the best of ideas if you like me have gambled online. Went out for a bit but felt off and uneasy. My stress levels are up the roof which is why i cant go to work either. Too much responsibility and having to be a 100% there at my job. Had one of the staff calling me and asking for guidance in a tricky situation this morning, dont think i handled it too well. I hope it will be ok. I gambled too. Yesterday, did not want to admit it to myself or anyone as i somehow felt like i didnt cause i didnt make a deposit. Won some at that new casino on the Friday before we left and kept it there. Could not block myself before the money was gone i thought – then blocked myself. I know that i wrote that i had closed it down before we left. Wow i even lied to make things look good. Never wanna dissapoint anyone- always my big mistake.I had not. But now i have. No more darn lies. 

[Steev]

Yes it is not easy when the means to gamble is in your possession.  Is there someone who could come and be with you for a bit?  Just to keep you company – they don’t need to know why. 

Lying and gambling seem to go together and lying to ourselves … I felt there was a terrible shame in acting out my addiction, AFTER I had made the pledge to stop; and not only the pledge to other people but to myself. I think it was somehow going against who I was.  When I identified as a gambler then gambling was the natural thing to do.  Once I had identified as an ex-gambler or recovering gambler – then to gamble was going against who I had set myself up to be.

I think each time I felt the pain of gambling after I had vowed to quit made me look at what else I could do to change.  In my case it made me visit GA more often, it made me look at alternatives to gambling – things that I could do that would interest me – even things I had never attempted before.  It made me find ways of using up my time that would be useful to me, but also enjoyable and away from any gambling temptation.

None of this was easy and it took me several years of stopping and starting before reaching what is (for me) a gamble free life.

I’m glad that you have come clean about what is going on for you and that you keep posting.  Keep strong.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jezi, 

thank you for your post in my thread. I can’t wait to hear about your room,

I’m afraid my new room has gone where everything’ good in my life has gone . Yeah – I gambled too. 

i guess the good thing is I have figured out what is hopefully the last barrier that I need.

keep strong Jezi – this is too horrible !

[Jezi]

Thank you for sharing your story steev. I can very much relate.
As of right now im only trying to cope with the situation im in and trying to see a new brighter future ahead of me. It IS extremely tough at this point, never thought it would come to this honestly.

Kids just came home from school and i could shift my focus for a moment. Tomorrow i might see my mum if she isnt busy.

My husband is not exactly helping telling me to stop being down. Easy peasy. I really do try my best to not show anything in front of the kids and without support it feels like im suffocating.

[Jezi]

Aaww no. Im sorry to hear that. Both the room and the gambling. What happened that made you figure out that last barrier if you dont mind me asking?

I was in no way productive today as intended. Went to the store to look for new lamps and wallpapers but felt no inspiration so i went back home.

Stay strong xxx

[Jezi]

Tonight i slept 6 hours in a row. Happy about that as its the longest ive slept since christmas. After my last post yesterday i took my daughter to her riding lesson and cuddled some with the horses. Such beautiful animals, had 3 of my own when i was young. Had to go to the pharmacy during her lesson and realised we have so much snow here now, felt like taking the car for a spin to get some action lol so i went around some industrial area that wasnt plowed and drove around laughing as the car drifted around in the snow. Felt like 18 again haha oh dear. The point is i had fun and actually enjoyed life for a moment.

Tomorrow i will have to go to work as we are short of stand ins and a lot of the staff are home with their kids who are poorly. Kind of nervous about that but i hope today will be more up than down so i can relax a little. Gambling urges are very present today but im gonna fight it.

Have a good day folks xxx

[i-did-it]

Hi Jezi,
I hope you are feeling supported and life is on the up.
It is good to let our hair down every now and again and have fun.
Your post reminds me that I have forgotten what fun feels like.
Keep strong .

[i-did-it]

Great post Steev And it really highlights the importance of labels and how detrimental  or helpful they can be to recovery . I think I am going to stop going to groups on here because every time someone used the label cg, it makes a relapse feel inevitable . I guess it’s all part of that stinkin thinkin peopel we talk about .

[Jezi]

The best support i get is here on the forum ❤ 

I think sometimes you have to make a real effort to have fun. Or redefine what fun is right now perhaps?

I find that gambling kind of ruined my ideas of what used to be fun. I rarely even look forward to things like i used to. What happened last night between me and the car lol was an impulse. I wanted to feel something, a longing for something slightly dangerous instead of gambling. It was a rush to not be totallly in control. But yes it felt good. 

Today has been kinda manic so far. Doing everything i possibly can not to feel the urge of gambling or lose myself in anxiety. 

I hope your day has been good this far.

[Jezi]

I dont think i can handle this relationship im in. Im sick with stress and all i hear is Jessica fix that do that. Like what the fork did you not hear a Word i said or did you not watch me having a major anxiety attack. I just want to cry but i dont even know how to do that. I told him to read up on everything so i dont have to explain every detail of the state im in. I thought i would get some support after i told him. Now we are home and hes back to normal expecting me to be just fine cause i told him i guess.

I dont know what i need to do to make him understand?

[Steev]

I’m really sorry to read that you are having a hard time with things at home.

Before you went away I asked what would be the worst that could happen if you told your husband about your gambling and you said, “divorce, losing my job and my Children + all that comes with that. Total downfall in other words.” That hasn’t happened and although no-one can see the future you can work to ensure it doesn’t happen.

I can only change my own behaviour I can’t change the behaviour of others. The problem is that relationships and families run on expected behaviour. Everything ticks along even if there are things going on like addiction and adultery and abuse – things that happen but are lied about or ignored. Then wham … that “something” cannot be ignored any longer – it is out in the open and the relationship / family dynamic must change – and change is often horrible and uncomfortable, especially at the beginning.

It can get better – particularly if both parties want to keep the relationship / family going – but as I say, you can only control what you do.

It sounds like your husband is struggling with change and needs to work out how to deal with it. You can’t make him go for counselling, or read books, or posts on here – he will need to work that out for himself. I think the best you can do is work your own recovery, show him that you are serious about it and have faith that he will come to see that he needs to adjust in order to keep the marriage / family going.

I can’t forsee what the outcome will be (oh that I could!) But the alternative of continued gambling, debt, lies and whatever that would lead to would be a far worse place to be.

Keep strong – you are doing really well at a difficult time and you are not alone here.

[Steev]

but have you considered reading through some of the posts on the friends and familys part of the forum – to see things from the “other halfs” point of view.

Maybe you have already – or maybe you don’t think that will help – but it is just a thought!

[Jezi]

I know that you are right. I am just frustrated and eager to work things out now that he knows. When i wrote that last post i had just came home from the grocery store, prepared dinner and on the way back home had a melt down in the car. As we had dinner i was trying so hard to keep my ” everything is fine mask on” and had to focus hard on stopping my hands from shaking and breathing normally. Then i went to lie down for a bit to relax while theyre all in the kitchen playing yatzy. Im glad they did, its not that. But he then started telling me to take the dog out, and asked if i had cleaned out the the garage and a bunch of other things i said i might do while i was home today. I cleaned the house, did laundry – then i was exhausted. After that the kids came home from school with a bunch of friends, made sandwiches and hung all their wet clothes to dry. When he came home i went shopping and cooked. All i am asking for is some kind of understanding. But i realise he does not understand – at all.

Like you said i cant ask him to fully understand. I get that this is overwhelming for him aswell. He went to bed at 8 pm. He never does that. I do think its not intentional,  maybe hes still processing it. I know he finds it difficult to show emotions other than anger, then you kind of have to drag things out of him over a glass of wine or so.

I will read the posts in the forum for friends and family. I can only relate to myself being on the other side of the fence as i used to live with a gambling addict myself. I have seen both sides, but my ex on the other hand did nothing to hide it. The situation differs a lot.

Thanks for your wise words again.

[vera]

I hear you Jezi.
You are going through a tough phase and you have no “prop” to lean on without your gambling prop.
I went through these phases .
I looked for “understanding” too.
I often sat in all night casinos , where gamblers came and went at all hours (no clock, no windows) and when the buzzer went and the door swung open, I often visualized my husband walking through , to sweep me up and rescue me.
It never happened. I always left alone.
He would be at home, snoring, oblivious to my misery and pain .
That was in the early days.
Oh, yes, he would bail me out when I fessed up and became hysterical after losing yet another month’s salary , swearing to God that I would never ever ask him again and binding him to secrecy of course “for all that ever was between us” and of course promising on my “mother’s grave” that I would never gamble again.
Fast forward 5 or 6 years when I became immune to the losses. Learned to be more crafty. Less in need of bail outs. Independent.I found other ways to get money to gamble and I played my cards close to my chest , doing things my way, shutting everybody out, especially those who cramped my style i.e. my husband.
“Why not? I asked and justified my increased gambling because “He didn’t understand”!
It was true, of course. He didn’t understand . And to this day he never got it.
Why?
My response to that is “Who in their sane senses could UNDERSTAND how their spouse would work 12 hour shifts, earn good money and stuff every last cent of that salary, month after month , into slot machines, then borrow to chase it and lose more and more. It just is beyond normal understanding. I would stay out all night. Drive in all weathers and at all hours to “play” and “have fun”.
If I live to be a hundred I will never understand why I did it, so how can we expect our husband’s /wives to figure it all out in a flash.
What my husband DID do, Jezi, was pay the bills, slog away working to maintain the upkeep of our home, which would have been for sale years ago if it depended on me…………
Relationships are complex, Jez.
Gambling is a complex issue.
Recovery is an enigma.
Life itself is a mystery.
Yes, I felt let down because he didn’t understand. I felt for a long time that my husband wanted me to gamble. For many years it suited him to have me “out of his hair”. He may have had his own agenda. Who knows. None of use can read minds. He also did say very cruel things to my then teenage sons in my absence and to this day my youngest son still slaps up those expressions to me and when that happens all the old feelings return and I feel like strangling my husband for using his son (he would have been about 10 years old)to say the words he hadn’t the guts to say to me, himself. Maybe all this happened because he “didn’t understand”. Perhaps I gambled because I didn’t understand. Perhaps my family is dysfunctional because nobody understood. I could go on and on.
The whole purpose of joining forums like this is that it gives us a platform to voice our thoughts and feelings instead of using gambling as a form of escape or as a buzz ( like skidding in the snow) and yes, there is help available for “victims”. The F and F Forum here, the GT Helpline, Gamanon and marriage counselling are available for your husband . He might be open to these supports (mine never was -he sees gambling as my problem, not his)
In the meantime do what you have to do , one day at a time.
Use the support here for YOU.
Keep the communication open with your husband and
give him time.

[jen3]

Vera, you have such a way with words.  I always look forward to reading your comments, post etc.

[Jezi]

Thank you for your post Vera.
I can relate to almost every bit of it.

It makes a lot of sense actually that a person without a gambling problem would not understand, so i can not expect that. Going to keep that in mind.

I feel like i have so much that needs to come out and be talked about.

This is a turning point. Like you said day by day.

Thank you.

Love jez

[i-did-it]

Hi Jezi ,
I guess we can all only share our own experience so here’s my view .
For many years of my marriage I was (by a lot) the main breadwinner. During this time I lived with constant criticism about just about everything – the tv programmes I liked are weird or stupid, if I needed to talk about work I was told it’s all about me, if I bought something for the house it was the worse or stupidest buy ever. There was a fuss if I wanted MY family or friends round.
I basically could do nothing right – but I was independent And strong and knew I could leave.

Fast forward to now – he earns the same as me, we have a child (and I don’t feel I can leave ) ,so now he has a permanent audience for his critisism – but one who is fast losing respect for him because he adores his ever loving and gentle mummy .. and yeah I developed a gambling addiction.

So what expectations do I have of my husband ? – absolutely none. Sure he can join a family and friends forum , or go to gamanon and bleat on about what a great fella he is and how terrible I have made his life. To be quite honest I don’t really care if he puts on his ” outside the house face” in a different venue.

I know how it really is .I know that gambling filled a void in my life – one that should never have been there .
With regards to telling him – who in their right mind would give him further ammunition?

When we go to our spouse for support it should be there – simple as that . I think when we learn to stop blaming ourselves for an addiction which wasn’t our choice we can see things clearer .

I would prefer to live in a tent with someone who valued me.
Who cares about paying a mortgage when it is just to house miserable , unhappy people and to trap them there.

You deserve support regardless of what mistakes you have made! For better for worse doesn’t just apply to husbands / partners who make mistakes, although reading the forums it seems Much more likely that men will get this type of support from their partners.

That’s just what I’m thinking right now – I might be biased because I have just had my “just before he goes to bed” critisism to which I replied something which starts in f and ends in off.

I miss gambling – I miss the escape- I miss the me time – I miss the feeling that a big win will empower me financially .
I don’t however miss the reality so yeah I have to stop – we all do – but it would be so much easier with a little bit of support .

[Jezi]

Hi idi, thank you so much for sharing. As much as it hurts to read about your marriage i can only say that you are a very strong woman. I lived in a relationship prertty much like yours for 7 years. The mental abuse is i think what got me started in the first place. Not only moneywise.

My current marriage is better in many ways, but yes i do think i deserve some support at least -i know that i would have supported him in a heart beat. But like you said it’s kind of taboo to be a woman in this situation. The men at the ga even mentioned that as some reason for that very few women come to the meetings, not in a demeaning way but you get it.

I’ve been called all the mean stuff you can imagine by my ex. Often in front of others, especially men. And i was none of these things. Why i stayed for so long and got into great debt because of his gambling and alcoholism i can not answer. I even slept in a separate room with our then baby daughter and had a knife under my pillow incase he would try to hurt me or the baby when he was drunk. Still i defended him when he came home drunk with the Police in the middle of the night. I still have to see him because we have a child together.

Today i went to see my dr. I was only prescribed anti depressants. She said she would look in to other options aswell and call me next week. Im kind of gutted about that, but if they can help me sleep i will try them at least.

Wishing everyone a lovely weekend xxx

[Steev]

I am a bit surprised that your GP has not referred you for counselling (if that is indeed what you want.) I understand that you can self refer now for free Cognitive Behavioural Therapy on the NHS – (Google self referral to CBT for more info.) but there is likely to be a waiting list. Gamcare could refer you to a counsellor and some charities such as Mind – but I would guess only in the bigger conurbations.

One of the things I tried in the early days was co-counselling where you learn some of the skills of counselling and then work with other people who have also been trained. I’m still involved – but I have now trained as a counsellor as well, though I have not practiced for many years. Again if you google co-counselling core training you will get more details. There is a cost for the course but after that any sessions are free – but you will have to counsel as well as be counselled. Again the training is patchy in the UK. I believe that a shorter version of co-co is being tried in East Angia – but I don’t have details to hand. Get back to me if you are in that part of the world.

Here’s hoping you have a great weekend as well.

[Jezi]

Steev – i told her that. She seemed to have little knowledge about gambling addictions. She also mentioned the local social service unit for addictions. But im not gonna go there and i told her that. Why? I know people who works there through work. It wouldnt be a great idea. So the plan is that she would talk to the counsellor at the gp to see what we’re gonna do. But priority nr 1 in her point of view was to make sure i sleep. 

Took one at around 8 last night and went to bed at 9. Slept for 12 hours until someone woke me up or id still be sleeping. I feel like a zombie today so i dont know about this. If i get this knocked out tomorrow aswell im gonna stop taking them. I mean i couldnt even get to work as im quite certain that im in no position to operate a vehicle right now.

I love the idea of counselling! I have taken some courses at uni a couple of years ago and i often do counselling at work. But in a different field! Someone at ga said that it’s hard to find a good counsellor with experience of gambling addictions. I live in Sweden steev 🙂 One may assume we have a good healthcare system but its really not that great in many aspects. 

Tonight i will go to a concert that i have been looking forward to. I have not gambled since Monday also which makes me happy.

[Steev]

I remember you said you lived in the far north. Serves me right for assuming the UK.

I’m not sure that a counsellor would necessarily have to have experience of gambling to be useful. I would think most would have knowledge of addictions in general and the nuances of our problem is something that you already know about from coming on here.

I think anonymity is important – as is keeping the client counsellor relationship pure – i.e. not contaminating it with friendship, work colleague etc. So you will need to try and find someone who is not already known to you.

Hmmm – so in that case it may be necessary to fall back on things like internet resources, helplines or just good old-fashioned books. It makes me wonder if there is a need for something here on the site – a sort of resource bank which could be accessed by people who are more isolated than most.

Sorry I can’t be more help. Enjoy the concert and being gf and perhaps “speak” next week.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jezi,
My understanding that with any condition of the mind, nowadays the first priority is to sort out sleep- ie, to make sure the person is getting adequate sleep. In the past antidepressants etc were handed out like smarties. I think perhaps one tablet might break the cycle of not sleeping – but if you need more nights perhaps consider halving the tablets.

12 hours is a long time to sleep but you may have had a huge sleep deficit . It is also a great opportunity for brain healing .

Gambling addiction is a strange one as we don’t stuff chemicals into ourselves – we stuff money into machines etc.

It sounds like the counselling is right up your street- go for it.

A massive well done on your gamble free time !

[Jezi]

I thought one night of good sleep would fix the problem, it didnt unfortunately. Skipped the tablet last night as we were at a concert and came back late. We even left before the gig was over as i was feeling weird and had a lower stomach pain. Slept maybe one or two hours in total. When i lied awake tonight i happened to see that my bloodtests i took on friday came in to my online journal. Managed to figure them out and it doesnt look too good. Im healthy overall, normal weight, vegetarian diet and i go for walks/ runs and practice yoga ( well i havent been too healthy for the last month so i hope its temporary). But im so scared now that it’s something worse than just stress etc. Please get your bloodworks done, im only 35 and gambling got me really sick. I feel like im on the verge of insanity and wont be able to work tomorrow. Drs going to call me on Tuesday afternoon or Wednesday. Im also gonna have to take the meds again that she prescribed so that i can sleep. But id rather be knocked out honestly as i feel horrible right now. Grandparents called and informed us that our youngest daughter is sick with the ful or so. Kind of bad timing but heyy at least i dont feel like gambling. I hate it right now.

Blah, that was depressive but true.

Hope you are all good xx

[Steev]

I hate worrying about things. I know it’s useless but I can’t stop it – so I’m not going to tell you not to worry as that would be hypocritical. However I would take some comfort in that the Dr. isn’t calling you until Tues / Weds. If it was really serious they wouldn’t wait – at least in my experience.

Sorry to hear that your daughter’s ill. Hope she improves soon. Rest and get better.

[Steev]

I wonder if you have heard anything yet? I’m hoping that things are good with you and that there are no problems. It would be good to hear from you.

[Jezi]

I did not get a call today. Hope she will call the first thing tomorrow morning. Cant relax until i get that phone call. My daughters a little bit better. Gambling urges are back
, probably cause im down and nervous about that phone call. Did yoga last night and took a walk today. Had a night of no sleep despite taking a pill before going to bed. Just need to get my mind sorted. Had to go to work yesterday and will have to work for the rest of this week. Im hanging in there though. Have not gambled since Monday last week apart from pretend play with no money involved. Guess thats not super great but no money in.

Hope you are well xxx

[Jezi]

Like i said. Healthcare system here is a joke. Still no call from the dr. Probably not such a great idea to prescribe antidepressants to people with known side effects which may worsen the condition when you start taking them without a follow up. Been holding the phone in my hand the whole day at work because i was worried i might miss the call as i work in a noisy environment.

Im going shopping soon with a friend to treat myself to something, i dont know what, maybe a piece of clothing if i find something i like. I need to rewire my brain so to get something for myself is a first step.

Have a great day peeps xxx

[Jezi]

Ok phew she called just a few mins ago. Must be working day and night i suppose. She didnt think the bloodtests were that awful and that shes sure theyre gonna go down as i get more sleep and get Into the habit of eating properly again. So NOW i can finally breathe again. I will be referred to either a KBT programme for gambling addicts or a proper counsellor. I will know more on Monday. Tomorrow GA again:) Friday i will join my colleagues for after work as i got some new clothes today haha

[Steev]

My rule of thumb is always that the longer doctors take to get hold of you with results etc – the less worried you should be. I know that will possibly come back to haunt me one day – but it has served me well so far.

Last year I had some blood tests and the following day the surgery rang me and said I needed to see a doctor to discuss the results. “Can you come in a 6pm.” Today – I said. Yep. NOW I was worried. I had some hospital tests in the following few days and I got the all clear – it was only a flare up of a pre-existing condition.

I know things will be different in Sweden – but I was feeling more hopeful the more time was dragging on.

Good that you are finally getting the referral for counselling that you were looking for and I hope that all works out well and that you don’t have too long to wait to see someone.

Meanwhile I will look forward to your posts.

[Jezi]

Oh dear i would of been terrified but im glad you were ok! If it had been somebody else i would of said the same but i was dead worried as my blood works always has been spot on even through pregnancy. 

Im lacking support from home big time so im happy that I can get support elsewhere. But on the other hand im glad that hes supportive enough to not apply for a divorce. I have really messed things up to say the least. Tomorrow at GA  I will most likely be the only one whos not bringing a relative or friend to the meeting as its friends and family night. Im still gonna go but it’s going to be lonely. 

[Steev]

As you know – I think you need to look after yourself and not concern yourself with hubby – AND you never know, when he sees you are serious and the improvement it makes he might change his mind.

But the families and friends night reminded me of a GA Christmas do that we had locally. I wasn’t involved in the booking, but apparently it was done in the name of another organisation and a DJ was booked likewise. So after the buffet the disco started (this was the 90’s) and the DJ after a few songs started offering prizes for people who could name the tune or the artist or so on. Well the consternation that this led to had to be seen to be believed, was it gambling if there was no stake involved – is it ok to take a prize, what if he offers cash later. Meanwhile the DJ is getting more and more upset as no-one is coming up to give him any answers. I couldn’t stop laughing at the predicament – but I got some very stern looks from the older gamblers. In the end it was agreed that a rota of GAMANON members should answer correctly and recieve the prizes – but it took at least 30 minutes to sort out and I thought at one point the DJ would have a heart-attack.

You never know where having the gambling problem is going to lead. I hope you enjoy your meeting.

[vera]

Glad to hear your blood results were within normal limits, Jezi.

I am BAD at following up with medical issues. They usually phone me from the surgery or write a letter asking to see me in connection with results.. Sometimes it sounds serious but I’m alive and upright so I tend to go by my body than wait for test results. Your body will usually tell you when things are out of sync..

Sleep is a HUGE issue for me.If I could get that sorted, I think I could fly.

Regarding the GA “Friends and Family” night, I have been to quite a few. Once my son came with me but commented “How could anyone say they are powerless over anything”! ( Total denial on his part because he has “issues” that I know he needs help with). I got “pins” on two occasions and did my presentation with no family or friend present.I preferred it that way.

The amazing thing was , the members from other groups came to lend support and I even got “Well done” and “Congratulation” cards.

I went to a 12 Step Meeting last night. A venue I hadn’t attended for almost a year. 16 men and me. Lots of the men there shook my hand and welcomed me back. Nice bunch of guys. All humbled by gambling and passing absolutely no judgement on anyone.

I would never say GA is the only answer. To be honest I have no idea how it works. All I do know is that when I attended meetings regularly, I got 27 G free months.

Take care, Jezi.

[Jezi]

Lol steev thats funny indeed! Misunderstandings can take weird turns- sometimes for a comic twist. Poor DJ! Im trying to take care of myself but it is difficult when you have to always take care of others. Be it work, family or friends. Today im really feeling that i need a break, but it’s not possible cause life and work goes on without no stopping it. I see a pattern now though. Im desperately wanting to gamble today because im worked out and stressed about work. Theres always something that comes up that i need to take care of. So when i get overwhelmed i want to gamble to shut things out for a while. I am probably also experiencing hefty withdrawal symptoms cause i didnt gamble (with money) for a little longer than a week. Have a headache, nausea and feeling dizzy. Fun times!

Vera- wow that sounds great. I dont know if it’s helping just yet but it is some kind of comfort to be surrounded by people in the same position ( well, different but same same). I agree that sleep is a big issue. I’ve always been dependant on getting a good nights sleep or i dont function normally.

GA in two hours, hopefully i will be able to speak my mind this time.

Love jez

[Jezi]

Friday- two weeks gambling free on Monday. I am struggling with urges to gamble and abstinence. Last night i went to GA it was good but tough. Managed to speak up, first introduction part went well. Second part i had to stop mid sentence cause i could not continue or i seriously think i would have passed out. Could not breath and was shaking uncontrollably. It made me realise that i have to talk about it as i never have before. Not much sleep tonight. Fragile day but am going to try to make the best of it. It’s friday after all!

[Monica1]

Well done Jezi. I found the early weeks of GA very difficult. In early recovery many emotions come to the surface and all of the reasons we did gambling in the way we did come to the surface. I walked out a couple of times before I blubbed uncontrollably.
This does pass and we do become our healthy selves again. But we do need to work through some of the stuff and if I am honest I didn’t feel safe in GA to do this. My sponsor was gambling throughout and tried amateur counselling. Many women don’t feel safe in GA is my observation. But I do acknowledge for many that GA does work. I did feel safe in gma and on the programme but it was a difficult time for a few months. But it does pass. Well done, proud of you.

[Steev]

For getting through the meeting. When I think back – I first talked about my gambling addiction on a one-to-one basis and came to GA after some counselling. Perhaps that made the group thing easier. Yes it is Friday – I hope you have a great gamble free weekend!

[Jezi]

I went for after work and told one of my best friends whos also an employee that im in trouble – gambling addict. She was super supportive and understanding. I told her that she cant tell noone. I hope it stays that way. Im a complete mess. I have betrayed my husband who told me that i cant tell noone but i couldnt keep it in. We talk on a regular basis – more than me and hubby. Dont know if it was right or wrong but shes supportive and is willing to have some understanding.
.

Good night

[i-did-it]

Jezi
I find your post about Ga so helpful.
That’s what t was like for me – in my meeting your name was called and despite the first week saying I wasn’t comfortable speaking , I felt forced to speak.
It was embarrassing , I felt silly , I could hear my voice ringing in my ears and I knew at that moment I wouldn’t be back .

It makes me feel so much better when you describe your experience – failing at GA stung – I had hoped to find help, support and maybe even friendship – instead I found a room full of so many men and felt like an imposter among them !

Until your post however, I never realised that I have never spoken out loud about my addiction before . Perhaps that was my difficulty- perhaps if they had let me move at my own pace rather than insist on what had worked for them I might still be attending .
I hope your at next meeting you feel more comfortable speaking and a big well done on going! Major respect to you !

[vera]

It is your story to tell, Jezi.

“WE ARE ONLY AS SICK AS OUR SECRETS”!

[Jezi]

Thanks everyone for commenting.

Steev yes, that probably would have made it easier. I was taken by surprise that i reacted the way i did and could not control it. Everyone was really nice about it though,i dont remember what they said but i remember someone saying it’s ok.

Like Monica said men are overreprensated in these groups which kind of makes you feel a little like an outsider or misplaced. But they actually talked about that with me the first time i went. I dont know when i wont dit there with my heart pounding in my ears right before i have to talk. But yes i can see that it passes eventually.

IDI, im glad you found my post helpful . I think what happened is that a lot of old ( and new) feelings came to surface once i actually aired some of what I’ve been through that has been forbidden to talk about. I dont know if im making any sense here but, i dunno. I have thought about why i started and what happened but i have never ever really processed it or talked about it.

Closing in on my two weeks mark and today my brain really wants to gamble. Slightly hungover today so will just stay in and maybe watch some movies. Kids are away with friends so just me and hubby at home. He is in a bad mood about something. I asked whats up but he just said nah its nothing. Well that tells me theres definitly something.

Anyhow have a great weekend everyone xxx

[Jezi]

With nothing to do gambling thoughts are taking over completely. I dont have access to my credit card anymore. Im thinking about going to buy an ecard at the grocery store so i can gamble. I am not going to do that but it’s very overwhelming and seems like a good idea for a moment. If i wasnt so tired i would have done something worthwhile, yoga, running or something like that. I hope this phase is over soon.

[Steev]

I found when the thoughts got really bad that the best thing to do was to talk to someone. Call someone – they don’t need to know about the gambling urges – just reach out. If you can’t reach someone you know – does your country have a service like the Samaritans? They are not just there for thoughts of suicide but to be a listening ear to those of us in distress.

I seem to remember some years back Sweden had a tourist marketing tool called ring a random Swede – where if you call up a number you were put through to someone who would tell you how wonderful Sweden was. Does that still exist – or have I remembered wrong? Take care of yourself.

[Steev]

Getting involved in a book also worked for me. Though I found it had to be something upbeat and easy to read.

[Jezi]

I have never heard of that steev but maybe youre right. Im not sure it exists now though. I am starting to regret that i told my friend last night and am anxious about how it’s going to effect our relationship both work wise but also personally. I hope to god she wont tell anyone as it would be a complete disaster for me as the owner of the company im running. I still have not told my husband that i slipped and told her in a weak moment. I think he would be dissapointed, very much so. There is a helpline for gambling addicts but unfortunately it’s not open during weekends. Cant talk to hubby as hes in a bad mood about something and even if he wasnt i cant talk to him about this as it’s something he cant handle. There is also some kind of suicide helpline but i dont want to waste their time. I used to like to read books but i have a hard time focusing right now. I wish that the gambling helpline was open, weird that it’s closed during weekends as it’s financed by the government i assume.

[vera]

Did you get any phone numbers in GA?
Give someone a call, if you did.
They will be glad to help.

[Jezi]

Nope, they dont do that here. I wish it worked that way, we dont have sponsors either. Only one meeting per week.

This is worse than when i quit smoking. 

[i-did-it]

Jezi ,
About your friend – this is totally huge and consuming in our lives – but remember it is only a part of your friends life- and at that’s part of the friendship she has with you .
Try not to overthink it- she probably cares but has given it much less thought than you think .

I got numbers when I went to GA but I couldn’t rem who was who and I had no idea who I was texting. Lol!
Netflix has been my fix but it is just as addictive as anything else

Xx

[Jezi]

Haha idi! Well at least you could txt someone! 🙂

I’ve plowed through everything on Netflix that I’ve found entertaining or interesting lol. Watched 7 seasons of american horror story in about 2 weeks. It probably didnt make me more sane but i got hooked even though i didnt like all the seasons – but it was something to keep me from gambling at least. 

You are probably right i tend to overthink things a lot. I just hope she wont tell anyone.

Hope you are having a nice day 🙂

[Steev]

You wrote, “There is also some kind of suicide helpline but i dont want to waste their time.”

One of the hardest things for me to accept is that I deserve to do things to aid my recovery. I found that I love walking and yet I felt guilty if I took time out to do it, (despite spending hours in front of slots.) When I decided to walk a long-distance trail I felt guitly when I had to drive out to places, (despite driving into cities for gambling in the past.)
Why do you think it has taken me so long to go travelling? I really have had to fight with myself that it is ok to do that.

So – get rid of the thought that you are wasting their time. In fact deliberately call them – just to talk about Netflix or whats on TV. I’m off for birthday drinks now – so won’t be around until tomorrow eve. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

[Jezi]

I hope you had a wonderful evening out. If it was your birthday- horray for you 🙂 

Your words make a lot of sense and i guess im pretty much the same. I went to bed early and listened to some podcast on gambling addiction til i eventually fell asleep.

Today i have some more energy and will keep myself occupied. 

Oh and i never usually want the weekend to pass but i look forward to be able to say that im 2 weeks gambling free. It’s been my short time goal for over a month. 

Have a lovely day xxx 

[i-did-it]

Well done Jezi on your gamble free time – two weeks is a great achievement .
Yes Netflix finds it hard to keep up to me too- I hve started watching some of the ‘foreign’ series with subtitles – I love Justice for example .

Keep strong xx

[Steev]

First of all congrats on your 2 weeks. Well done. I know it’s been hard at times.

Sorry you are finding it hard to get counselling. It is never easy given that there is more demand than counsellors, but I feel you would gain a lot from it.

I guess if you keep up with GA and look for support on here that’s all you can do atm. Was the social care thing out because you knew people there? Did the counselor not take that into account or is it that you always have to go there first? Anyway looking forward to the next weeks gf.

[Jezi]

Sorry i deleted my last post. It made me angry so i didnt want to see it anymore. Im not even happy about my two weeks at the moment,. On the way to the hospital to see whats going on with my grandmother who was taken in just now.

I was kind of baffled by the call this morning as the dr seemed urgent to get me some help. I told the whole story and she was like oh i see thats unfortunate,. She said she could put me on a waiting list to see her although she was pretty clear that it wasnt her field. So, that was that and thats it i guess. Will stick with ga and this forum.

[Jezi]

So as the title states, im angry – even in my dreams. Woke up with this feeling and a great deal of anxiety. Im starting to loose faith in getting any help which scares me. I know it’s early and so on but im highly ambitious for better or for worse. I even find myself getting upset over people in general who dont do anything to try to get better or work things out. You try to help them bur they dont want to listen and it’s like do you even want to get better? Dwellling and fears and also assumptions about things can really stand in the way – i get that. I do and have done it as well. You cant change the past but you can work through things with help and move on – be happy even. I want to get there so bad. I will find a way, but today is a bad day and im going to allow myself to feel this way. Pushing away feelings by force in some attempt to feel happy is what i have used gambling for in the past, wayyy back. Or well if i won i was happy and high until i lost it all again. To brighter days xxx

[sherrie]

Existing in a state of anger and anxiety for the sake of experiencing it is an interesting concept. I think I’d take myself for a walk or have a hot bath or anything that I know would relax me. Anxiety is exhausting. Take care of you and I hope you feel better soon. Xxx

[Steev]

Feelings are fine and it is good to express them in a way that is safe for you and others.  What you may want to try is a good childlike tantrum.

When you are on your own in the house get on the bed and pound your cushions and let out all the noise / swearing you have been holding back.  Keep going until there is nothing left.  The important bit is to have some quiet time to let your thoughts take over.  You may want to phone someone or do something to bring you back to yourself.  If you can make time to do this I think it would be helpful.  If you get any insights that you feel you can share, please do.

Have you tried one to one counseling here?  

Take care.

[Jezi]

Someone once told me that it’s important to feel your feelings. Maybe in some random yoga class, i dont know. Not that it’s important where i heard it but it makes sense to me. We are often prone to push away unwanted feelings as we strive for happiness. In the end doing so often leads to secondary problems such as gambling, alcoholism, mental disorders and so on. If we dont deal with our feelings and let them come to surface we tend to repress them. You can only do so for a limited time. If the problem is too big to solve on your own – you need to deal with it. Meaning seeking out for help.

I feel kind of like a hipocrit writing this as i have repressed feelings for most of my life. I’ve had some ways of dealing with it, both healthy and unhealthy ways of course as i have gambled and also drowned my sorrows by drinking a little too much at times.

As i couldnt stay at home to deal with it i went to work. Tried to keep my cool as i work with other human beings. It’s not fair for me to lash out on innocent people. They have no clue what i am dealing with at the moment. Went for a walk in the sun on my lunch break which cleared my head a bit. I do agree with steev that throwing tantrums on your own which wont harm either yourself or anyone else is a brilliant idea if you are angry or sad. Or anything else that floats your boat – unless it’s harmful in any way. On my lunchbreak i also decided that i need to call the social service unit for addicts. I am in a bad state and even contemplated gambling again as i felt like i had ran out of options after yesterdays phone call. I realised that i have to put any pride or worries aside to ever make it through this. I came to think of the saying ” where theres a will theres a way”. I AM the only one responsible for my own wellbeing. If i am not well how can i be a good role model for my kids? I would wish that they asked for help and did everything possible to fix a problem if it occurs. How can i project love to others if i dont love myself? I can in a way, but not give them all of me, good or bad. I cant sit here and wait for someone to fix my problem. It’s not like it’s just gonna go away one day if i dont deal with it and take all the help thats offered. Soo i called the social service and told them whats up. Im now on the waiting list to get a counsellor there for my addiction. Yes folks, you heard it – there is a waiting list for gambling addicts even in a small town like mine. Thats how common this illness has become. You are not alone, i am not alone.

Love to all of you xxxx

[Jezi]

Tomorrow a day full of meetings and then GA. Tonight dinner at our house with friends. Im very happy that we are occupied tonight as it’s been a very stressful day at work and inbetween taking care of some issues we are dealing with at the kids school. About a month ago i would have gambled to ease my mind. Now i cant and dont want to. But being busy makes it easier. The one thing im really hoping for when i get a counsellor is to learn how to deal with stress and all kinds of weird behaviours when things get tough.

[Jezi]

Just got back from a lecture with the commune for all principals and other people included in my field. I have noticed that quitting gambling has turned me into some mental wreck

I have a hard time focusing and “getting out of my head” and also a lot of anxiety, both mental and physical. I usually dont have to sit on my hands for example to stop them from shaking. Felt unattentive and was yawning a lot even though it was very interesting and important. The workshop at the end with a lot of new people felt strangely awkward. Had to focus a lot and i now feel completely drained. Staying at home to rest is not an option unfortunately, so now back to work.

Have a good day guys xxx

[Steev]

You got through the meeting and that is a victory. How did your GA meeting go? I start travelling tomorrow, only within the UK to start but odd to be homeless! Have a great weekend.

[Jezi]

Hope you will have a great weekend too steev!

Today i did something that i haven’t done ever before. I feel like vomiting right now. Was going to try and close down my secret bank account, well not secret but one that my husband had no access to ever. I decided to have a quick look at the amounts i spent on gambling over the years ( not the credit card and hidden money I’ve spent) but only this account alone.

No wonder i have been stressed out. I’ve spent a lot more than i expected. We could have paid off the mortage on the house and more. I am completely disguisted with myself right now. How can i ever redeem myself?

[lizbeth4]

When I finally calculated all the money I’d spent on gambling, I was disgusted and sick!!! The way to redeem ourselves is to not gamble again! I keep the amount I’ve blown in my head, a big deterrent but I know it’s gone and will never be recovered. Just living a gamble free life is redemption! Keep doing what you are doing. Take care and have a great weekend!

[Steev]

I feel that letting go of the money I lost is the hard part. Thousands which could only be got back again by ….
And that is chasing my losses. I decided to give away my business stock to charity recently. It was also worth thousands, but I needed it all to go and quickly. At the end of the day charities are going to get any money I leave as I have no family. I will never be rich – but I am content. Have a great weekend too!

[Jezi]

Thanks for your posts Lizbeth and steev.

Yes the money is gone and wont come back. End of story really, and I’ve decided that i wont be dwellling over it as it wont change anything. Monday is coming up and it’s my third week gambling free. Big step for me, I’ve managed two weeks at most. Went for a long walk this morning and was listening to some podcasts om gambling addiction and realised that i have not yet found a female one. So i decided to contact one to maybe contribute and touch on the subject. It is not gender related! But men are overreprensated when it comes to ga groups and podcasts, im sure even in treatment for gambling addicts.

Wow steev that is a big deal! You are an awesome person and i wish you could see that. I really hope that your retirement will bring you lots of joy and that you can spend it travelling and enjoying life.

Have a beautiful day everyone xxxx

[Jezi]

The podcast team just called me and i will join them in an upcoming podcast to tell my story so far and also discuss a few things regarding why men are overreprensated in ga and such.

Now i feel more motivated again. I think i need to help others to help myself. I was going to stay at home and mope but i called a friend i have not seen in a while, so im going over to their house to play good old fashioned bord games and have a few beers. 🙂

[sherrie]

Well done for reaching out to talk about that topic. I think you’re very brave. I would love to listen to the podcast. Might see if I can find it anyway. I love board games! I went to our friends on my birthday for tea and we played games and had good old fashioned fun. I really need to invite them to my house for an evening. It’s my turn. I shall put that in my diary and make it happen. I hope you’ve had a wonderful evening. Sherrie xoxox

[Steev]

Thank you for your kind comments Jezi. I’ve been pondering maps of Ireland – wondering where to go … it still doesn’t seem real. Well done on 3 weeks gf and on taking the initiative on the podcast front. All exciting stuff!

[Jezi]

I had to cancel the podcast thing, my husband didnt approve so there will be none of that im afraid even though i think it’s an issue that needs to be adressed. Oh well, maybe in the future. Last night was good fun and i managed to get a full nights sleep. Today i REALLY feel like gambling so im trying to think of other things, i hate these urges. I dont think it’s good but i sometimes play without logging in ( no real money) to be able to get over the thought of gambling.

I am going to have to learn how to be less impulsive, thats for sure!

[Jezi]

Things are happenings fast here. I got a call yesterday from the addiction unit. Was not expecting it so soon. They have hired a new counsellor so i got booked in tomorrow. I am very thankful for this opportunity as i am feeling like proper crap and started to doubt my ability to quit forever. I even want to gamble, well part of me does as i am tired of feeling empty. I dont know what to expect but im grateful that im getting some help at the right time.

Thats whats going on. I did make plans to gamble today. Im not gonna do it though, am dissapointed that i almost let myself down again.

[Monica1]

Gsmbling is a big fat lie. Won’t fill any empty feeling, just makes everything worse. For what it’s worth I think your husband is right. Going public has its pitfalls. Good luck with your appointment tomorrow. Counselling helped me even if it was do someone to talk to on s not very deep level, it helped.
I dry gambled for a while in recovery but it genuinely wears off, it does t do anything aside from pass the time. And it is boring. I just play free facebook games now, hidden object ones or bingo with the golden rule never to spend money.

[sherrie]

Just a thought but maybe you could chat to the podcast guy and explain your situation being in early recovery and such and say that you would like to contribute content (like being quoted) without being identified. I’m sure they would still value your input. I find that other people with this problem understand more than anybody else would. If you are content to not be involved then you don’t have to be either. I’m sure that your Hubby is just protecting your interests as it is a big deal going public. 

Sherrie

xoxoxo

[Jezi]

Sherrie you are right. I dont want to go public but thought for a moment that i dont care if i can help anyone. It was very impulsive but im kind of glad i didnt do it. I have to remind myself that im not really there yet and i actually dont want people to know. Im not as strong as i felt there for a moment lol

I too dry gamble but it is a trigger blah so i shouldnt do it. Went to my first meeting today with the counsellor and it was fine. I was super nervous before but the lady i saw was super professional and has worked in the addiction field for 18 years. I even dressed up and probably looked a little too over dressed at work because i thought that iiiif anyone sees me going in to the addiction unit they will think that i work there and that im not an addict myself lol

Anyhow im glad that i went. I certainly need it if im gonna be able to get through this. Its a little up and down at the moment but i am going to do this.

[Steev]

Well done for getting your counselling and I am glad that you felt it was helpful. I struggled about going public as an addict, certainly as a professional and a teacher, I tended to keep a low profile. Now that I am retired I am less worried about who knows. I think where you are now – you need to look after your own recovery, help people where you can but please do not put your own recovery at risk. As for “dry gambling” – if it helps – why not … but if it will be a trigger for actually gambling then please leave it alone. I still play solitaire and can get quite into it – but of course there is no money involved. You are doing really well Jezi.

[vera]

For what it’s worth, Jezi, I found “dry gambling” very dangerous. For me. Maybe other members have different thoughts. I would waste hours , playing free slots and end up nauseous, “headachy”, agitated, sleep deprived and couldn’t stop once I started. I was the same with the game “Snake” on my phone. All these activities are a waste of time and time, to me time is far more valuable than money. For that reason, I quit both activities for 2019, and have stayed free of real gambling too. I read your posts about “going public”. I did in a way open up, by publishing and circulating a booklet of Gambling/ Recovery poems . I often come out in a sweat in case the wrong person reads it but who cares, really? If people are that small minded that they need to hang on other’s weakness they are not worth considering. Have you been back to GA? I have an ambivalent relationship with GA. I hate getting ready to go. I have to push myself really hard. (Then again, I hate getting ready to go anywhere-the ONLY place I ever went willingly was to casinos.) I hate the part of the meeting when the group is gathering-the small talk among the men is usually about sport, would you believe. I get frustrated when people mutter when they speak or if I can’t understand their accent, but all those defects are in me, not in GA or the members who attend. I always benefit in some way from the nuggets of wisdom in the room -somebody always says something that gives me a reason to NOT want to gamble. I could find many excuses to gamble if I nit picked every person and everything they say at a meeting. In “real” life, I would have nothing in common with most members but in the Fellowship the common bond is that everyone there has a desire to stop gambling. I have no problem saying “my name is XXXXXXX . I am a Compulsive Gambler” Everybody in the room is broad minded enough to know that there is far more to each of us than that term which is used for brevity and unity. I have a GA meeting tonight. It is very near the last “hellhole” I gambled in, so I have reminders of gambling binges every time I drive that route. It would be very easy to nip in there after a meeting and blame someone in GA for my “slip”. To prevent that occurring, I will just carry the neccessary cash. Glad to hear your counsellor has experience in addiction. The person I went to didn’t but she helped me a lot in other areas. At the end of the day, Jezi we get back what we put into recovery, one day at a time.

[i-did-it]

Jezi A massive well done to you for going to the counselling .

I see so much of me in you- I would dread going and would dress up to make it look like I was there on “business” .

I often plan to go to GA under the same guise – so if I know anyone I can pretend I’m in the wrong venue.

I think perhaps when we “dry gamble “ we aren’t replacing gambling with healthier activities so we are still activating the same connections in our brains rather than building new pathways- but you have got three weeks so perhaps it is working for you.

I can’t quite figure out if you have attended GA or found it helpful but again if it works for you I say go for it!

We all have to find our own path to recovery. Keep working at it Jezi – you are making remarkable progress.

[Jezi]

Thanks for your posts steev, Vera and idi.

Have not written anything here in a couple of days. I have been very busy up until today. I have been to ga once a week. I feel more and more comfortable each time, mostly because i have not gambled and havent felt stupid. Im nowhere near anyone there when it comes to gambling free time but it’s been ok. I understand that ga here is not the same as in the u.s for example. There are no readings from the bible etc, just sharing and topics we go through.

Now i dont know if im gonna go to ga on thursday, i will go for my booked counselling on Wednesday but something happened and today i gambled. Had some cash from exchaning money from the Thailand trip and now they are gone. I dont know if im going to tell her or not, im so ashamed of myself. I could not resist and it just happened. I did not plan to gamble but was at the store to buy other things and remembered that i had the cash in my bag, and so on.
Dont know what else to say. At least i have no other money to spend. I cant tell my husband so i will keep prerending I’ve been gamble free. So yeah that was all. I will NOT dry gamble anymore. Will get some new games instead that i can play on my phone if im stressed out or what not. Feels like im letting you guys down aswell. This was the last time i will dissapoint myself or anyone else again

Hope you are having a good weekend so far xxx

[Steev]

I gambled several times after admitting I was a gambler.  I gambled when I was attending GA (well not at the same time – but you know what I mean.)

No-one here will feel let down because you have gambled – all we want to do is to help you to stop, we all know that it is not easy.

I do feel that you need to tell your counsellor. The benefits of counselling come by talking about what is going on for us in the moment – and I know that your gambling will be on your mind when you go for your session.

Are you thinking of not going to GA because you have gambled?  I know that is tempting, but to be honest that is probably when you need GA the most.  Again they will not criticise or judge you – they will have been there too.

I know that you will feel that this has been a setback, but you have done it and talked about it and hopefully learnt from it – no more dry gambling perhaps.  Maybe we will meet up in chat later – if not go well for the rest of the weekend and catch up next week.

[Jezi]

It does feel like a huge setback. I was so proud over my 3 weeks gambling free and told everyone at ga it was a big deal for me. So why would i ruin it? I dont know, i got caught up in the moment and could not control it even though part of me screamed to not go through with it. Truth is i did have a choice – we always do when it comes to gambling. I let my guard down and let myself sink very low.

I did learn that i should never have money that i can spend without my husband seeing it. Nothing can excuse what i did yesterday, it’s noones fault but mine, even though i know that i might have some kind of impulsive disorder. If i would have been drunk or so i wouldnt have been so hard on myself today – it would have made more sense. Im angry with myself and part of me still wants to gamble to falsely remove all the feelings of self hatred. Im starting to think that there actually is nothing wrong with me and that i am just an egoistic person that cant appreciate what i have. Maybe im just too priviliged now, nothings good enough, no real feelings left. Always chasing after something. It’s gross and tireing.

[Monica1]

We all went through many and for me it was many times when we tried to stop and didn’t or had a lapse. I had lots of visits to Gamcare and the National problem gambling clinic and I still did t stop. Then I had to as I hit rock bottom. And I now see gambling for me as a massive act of self harm because very soon things go to pot in my life. It’s like I can’t fool life itself even spending any money on Facebook games has the same effect in my life. And I don’t like the feelings that gambling creates. Many times felt I was going insane. So I now choose not to.
Firstly, dont beat yourself up. Whatever we r chasing for isn’t gained through gambling. Admit what happened to your counsellor and work through the why and the triggers. Forgive yourself and move on. I read your thread so I know three weeks was a big deal. So you can do it.

[i-did-it]

Jezi You have not lost the three weeks gamble free you achieved , nor have  you lost he lessons you learned from those weeks .

You have learned that you can go a considerable length of time without gambling .

Your slip has taught you some important lessons about yourself and your addiction.

Progress not perfection is what I aim for and you have definitely made progress.

It is incredibly disappointing when we slip but one of the best pieces of advice I have had on here came from Harry – he said a slip does not need to become a full blown relapse .

Pick yourself up Jezi and remind yourself of the days you didn’t gamble. This is a hard addciton to beat but you will do it Xx

[lizbeth4]

Don’t beat yourself up! I’ve had many slips. You had 3 weeks gambling free time! That can’t be taken away. Nor can any lessons you’ve learned along the way. You’ve made progress. Keep moving forward!

[Jezi]

Thanks everyone ❤ im going to try to look at it as another lesson learned. I just hate when things dont go according to plan and that im the one to blame hah! It certainly could have been avoided. Anyhow i will also try to not beat myself up too much even though it’s easier said than done.

Thank you for your support and sharing.

Love jez

[lizbeth4]

Good attitude! Every lessen brings us closer to where we should be! Hope you have a great day!

[Jezi]

Counselling today . Going to tell her that i gambled. Besides that think i might have gone completely nuts. Anxiety and sleep was improving then i realised that a lymph node on my throat has not gone down since i had a cold before going to Thailand, so it’s been there for almost 2 months. Called my gp to calm my nerves but nah the nurse thought i should get it checked so she booked me in on Friday. Im in so much agony i dont know what to do with myself + the dr is gonna think im crazy if it turns out to be nothing ( which i really hope) so rather crazy than dying. I hate Google and hope to god that the symptoms arent what it looks like. I just want to sleep and not feel anything until i know. No gambling urges at least.

[Jezi]

No gambling for a week. This journey is going to be long. I thought it would be a lot easier and that the change would be positive in all aspects. I dont know what else to say. Wish that i could be a present mother, wife and friend. I am none of that right now and im afraid it will worsen more. At least i didnt have a deadly disease, no more doctor after this. Been there twice in one month and she probably thinks im crazy now. Thats all for now.

[Monica1]

Well done on not gambling for a week. Things do get better in recovery, we recover ourselves, we deal with what caused it in the first place and recover eventually financially. But life still happens with its ups and downs. We just learn better how to deal with it ie by not escaping through gambling. Early recovery brings out all sorts of anxieties, did u go see your counsellor? And what happened with the node?

[i-did-it]

Well done Jezi .
You are making great progress.
Good to read the health scare was resolved .
Xx

[Steev]

Did anyone say it would be easy? It wasn’t for me, but things did get better little by little. At the moment you are like a delicate plant that has had a brush with frost. You need time and nurturing in order to heal, eventually you will blossom. Take things easy, heal well.

[Jezi]

The problem right now is treatment. The counsellor says one thing and the dr something else. Im confused and feel like im getting nowhere. I cant see myself not gambling ever again which is bad. I did before but it’s spiralling down when it comes to motivation and positive thinking. I know that i have to do the work myself but without proper help it’s hard and confusing.

[Steev]

Just for today – as they say! I’m not sure it helps to think in terms of months and years. Just get through the days and weeks. Yes you will need to do the work yourself and if you are getting mixed advice, you need to choose what makes the most sense to you. Maybe they are both right in different ways!

I’ve worked with various types of counselling over the years – some that seem to fit with me and some which seem truly bizarre – but at the end of the day if it works for someone then that is great – it doesn’t mean it would work for me.

Good to see you posting here and encouraging on other people’s threads. Keep strong.

[Jezi]

I dont know steev but i think that i have more issues i need to deal with. I know that they both want to help but today i have done some thinking and research on my own. I have came to the conclusion that i have a severve type of ocd which i have had since i was a child when i think back. It definitly is connected to my gambling problem which escalated along with added stress to my life in the last few years. All of the ocd actions and thoughts made me gamble in a completely forceful way to relieve stress even though it doesnt add up because in the end it caused more stress and anxiety. It’s also connected to an impulsive disorder im sure which has lead to what could be disasterous and dangerous actions. Luckily i have not lost my mind completely and have been able to stop myself from taking action most of the time.

So what i need to do is talk to the dr again and maybe get some help for these issues aswell – and also things that has happened in the past.

I have less and less gambling urges, but im also very busy at the moment so i dont know if they will come back if i get some free time that is not scheduled.

Take care xx

[Jezi]

Everything just sort of piled up to the point where i couldnt handle it so im staying home from work until i can function like a normal person again. The meeting with the counsellor was cancelled today cause she is home sick. I would have needed it today but nothing to do about it. Im going to stop taking the meds again cause im pretty sure they are making me ill – or worse at least. They definitly affect my mind in terrible ways. I thought i would clean the house while im home but it’s like i am sick with the flu and drained of all energy. Very unlike me, im usually kind of manic about cleaning. I dont know what to do that is worthwhile. Would like to take my daughter home early from school but i am afraid i will act strange and she will notice. One of the worst days since i quit gambling, i hope i will feel better tomorrow.

[vera]

Be careful you don’t slip into isolation, Jez.
That happens to me.
Stay outdoors as much as possible. Meet neighbours/friends for a light conversation or a coffee. Avoid alcohol.
Walk, walk, walk. Swim, if you’re able.
Avoid housework for now if it causes you to become obsessive
Drink lots of water and camomile tea.
Don’t make any major changes.
Write a short “to do”list.
Tick off what you do and carry the rest forward.
Roll with the punches, Jez.
All this will pass.
Did you ever try CBT?
GA can be a great place to listen and learn. Share things that are not too near the bone. For example. “I’m taking some time off work to get some perspective on my problems. Anyone else experience that in early recovery” . That will open up feedback from the floor. Don’t try to tackle every task today. You have the rest of your life to gain insights. You need to ENJOY Life, not ENDURE IT.
You are making great progress.
Keep posting.

[Steev]

Again good advice from Vera. Nothing much I can add. If you can find someone who will just listen whilst you talk through your worries that would be wonderful. Or post here – we’ll listen!

[Jezi]

Thank you for your response Vera.

I dont know how to be social anymore in a normal way. Well as a professional i have been up to now, or whilst drinking alcohol. It always ends in excruciating anxiety though, like this weekend. It was a disaster and left me feeling scared of ever going out for a drink (lots of drinks) again. So no, no alcohol. I dont want to talk to the neighbours it feels like theyre always watching and not minding their own business. Theres been some ridiculous things happening in the past like knocking on our door and telling us that our hedge around the house was a few inches too tall lol there are some people in the neighbourhood with a little too much time on their hands. Anyhow, i made lots of lemon water and I’ve rested the whole day since i came home this morning. 

I called somewhere to check if i should stop taking my meds cause the gp closed and i really dont want to call them if i really dont have to. Im afraid what theyre writing about me in the journal, problem is i dont have access to new entries in my journal, only after 14 days. I didnt know that so if they check how many times i logged in these last few days they might think im crazy lol but the lady i spoke to told me to skip the tablet today cause i think i had a fever, dont know if i did, checked my temp later and it was normal. It still is but i feel like im running a fever.

I have not tried cbt. I was admitted by my dr to a group cbt thing but i couldnt come ( working hours) so i had to cancel. 

Im not gonna call my dr until she calls on Monday. I cant keep calling all the time. 

I will go to GA tomorrow and will follow your advice as i get so darn nervous. Im scared to go out to stores and stuff now cause id be too embarrased if i saw someone from the group in another environment. 

Take care xxx

[Monica1]

Great advice from Vera, really good. In early recovery I was anxious, very depressed and I got physically ill. A long and very destructive habit leaves it’s aftermath. I avoided being medicated. I cried, I raged and I lost my faith. But, it,is,only only over a period of,time and surrendering and consciously comnecting with my higher power that things very slowly began to change. I had to admit to myself that I couldn’t work for a while, and I am glad I did. But they do change over time, the bigger distance we put between ourselves and our last bet. Vera is right, set small goals, up if you don’t achieve them. Tomorrow is another day. I am not saying that you will be as bad as I was but the symptoms r the same and over time they will pass.

[Jezi]

Thanks for commenting Monica. It sounds like you were in a lot of pain! Im sorry you had to go through that period of time. I dont know if all this anxiety and physical symptoms are because of the meds or withdrawal from gambling. I did not take one last night, woke up panicked at around 2am from some strange dream. Since i did not have to get up early this morning i could sleep in so it was ok. Was in a bad state all morning so i stupidly called the gp because i want to know wheter i should continue or not. I do notice a big change today after not taking one last night – my head is not so clouded and i dont feel like a zombie. Maybe because i got up and had a bath and did yoga. I have managed to go to the store and got some fresh flowers, did some cleaning and bought a book I’ve been wanting to read. Also picked up my youngest early from school and we both did our nails, that feels good.

I will try not to rush in life and actually take one day at a time from now on. Looking forward to brighter days though.

[lizbeth4]

Maybe the dosage of your medication needs to be lowered. When I was taking antidepressants, the dose was too high and I felt like a zombie. My head was clouded.
Don’t isolate yourself. It’s easy to do and hard to get out of that rut.
It sounds likr yesterday was a better day for you! Keep going!

[i-did-it]

Hi Jezi.
Sounds like you have been having a tough time.
Medication is really hard to get right, I think .
Yoga does seem to work really well for so many people.

I’m not sure I have much advice to offer you except to say keep recording and doing the things which work for you .
Xx

[Monica1]

I think you are doing ok in that you set yourself daily goals and achieved them. Do things that make u feel good. Do them for yourself. Taking one day at a time enables us to be in the moment and we feel our feelings but r not dominated by them, or at least we try… medication is a personal issue and decision. I chose not to. It would only make things worse. But that doesn’t work for everyone. Talking therapies, journaling, dealing with triggers, expressing ourselves and being in allowance of ourselves and how we feel all help.
Yes, I went through a very painful period but the main thing is in recovery I am not there now. You will also move on from what I found was a short period of anxiety, depression and generally being all over the place.

[Jezi]

Thanks for your support and inputs idi, monica and Lizbeth.

Just woke up and I’ve decided that i will try without any medication. Been without for 2 nights now and it went ok. At least my mind is not all fogged up. On the other hand im off work and dont have to get up early in the morning so i will have to see about next week because i will have to work and sleep is important. Maybe stress caused the sudden mental and physical breakdown on Wednesday. Both body and mind just kind of went on a full on strike.

It’s a strange situation this. I used gambling to destress and im having a hard time replacing that, well yoga but i cant do that all the time. I have used gambling for so many purposes which im only fuguring out now, only took 15 years lol

Im gonna try to list them while i remember.

1. Win money to be able to redeem myself to others or to justify to myself that i can buy something i really want.
2. Destress – weird cause it caused more stress in the end
3. Escaping problems and negative thoughts / feelings
4. Self harm – yes I’ve made myself gamble as a form of self harm because I’ve thought that im not worthy of happiness
5. Reward – after a long week of work for example
6. Boredom

Ok thats all that i could come up with for now.

Have a great weekend everyone xxx

[Steev]

All of the list is something that could apply to me.  I might want to add anger.  When I felt angry about something and could not let it out in any other way – I would take out my frustration by gambling.  But then maybe I could find any excuse to gamble.  Where was getting rich?  Not a reason for me either!

For destressing – I find walking in the countryside really helps.  If not countryside then parks or somewhere near water.  I have also found mindfulness helpful – although difficult to do when I most need it.

Thanks for your post – I hope you also have a good, gamble free weekend.

[i-did-it]

Hi Jezi, that’s a really good list .
I could add to it that eventually gambling was about none of these things but was a huge compulsion or learned behaviour. I guess if we can learn it we can learn to do without it.

I hope your weekend is going great
Xx

[Jezi]

It’s certainly part of the problem idi. I have written a long letter to my dr. I dont know if i will ever be able to present it to her but i usually get very nervous when i talk to her and have a hard time speaking my mind. I often find myself smoothing things over as im feeling weird about the whole situation. She was nice enough to call me up yesterday after i called the gp some days ago. I was not prepared when she called ( was out walking the dog who disturbingly tried to eat some other dogs poop whilst i was on the phone lol) so i was mostly like ok, ok and agreed to try and evaluate two new meds over the weekend. So here i am again stuffing myself with pills like a good girl. Point is i dont think it will solve the underlying issues so i need to tell her everything at some point so i can get referred to a proper psychologist to work everything out. It costs a small fortune if you book one in a private clinic which i cant afford.

Wasted weekend. But i probably need to rest so it’s ok sort of.

Love jez

[i-did-it]

That’s a great idea Jezi.
It is so hard to remember what to say when we are at the doctors . I hope you get your referral as pills may only mask what is really going.
I laughed when I read about your dog. I love dogs and have one which controls the whole house .

I wasted my weekend too – I always do.
Hope you have a great week
Xx

[Jezi]

Two weeks gambling free again woop. It’s been quite easy this time around actually. Have not had an awful lot of urges lately. But i could not gamble even if i wanted to, or could but my husband would see it so that is not an option.

Today i will start a new kind of treatment for gambling addicts. 2,5 hour sessions in a small group. Im nervous but happy that one of the guys from ga is also coming so i will know someone at least. Also talked to my dr and have dropped of my letter in the reception. Im hoping she will understand and not think im completely nuts. I tried to be as honest as possible so i dunno, i just needed to get it out.

Feeling a little better today and am looking forward to the group session. Tomorrow im going to work again, hope it goes well.

[Jezi]

First day in ages I’ve been having close to zero anxiety. I hope this is a turning point. I feel weird now that i gave my dr that letter. She has not called yet which makes me nervous – thinking the worst of course. Thing is i dont feel all the horrible feelings i felt last week. All of the symptoms faded to normal even though i probably should see someone to figure some things out. Hoping she will call so i can tell her im feeling a lot better now.

Anyhow treatment on Monday was great so im feeling very positive towards the rest of the programme. Back at work now and it feels fine, think it’s good not to sit at home and think.

[IRockVX]

Excellent posts!  Yea write about the urges I totally agree!  Keep writing about them and share with others.

The energy here is freeing energy — the energy and drive to stop the random bets … when we guard ourselves from the pitfalls risks and triggers more and more we get stronger and stronger at making choices that protect the wonderful things we already have … slowly connection with what you already have outside gambling becomes more life like and vibrant … even the simple afternoon sun feels more pleasant.

One day at a time.

[IRockVX]

Yea!

Swap the addiction to gamble to the addiction to create music.  I know there’s a wall there at first, but making transitions like that are possible.

It’s perfectly fine to swap addictions … when the new addiction is something healthy and beautiful : )

Swap negative addictions for positive ones … getting addicted to health and music for example

[Jezi]

What an endless rollercoaster ride recovery is. Felt better and that things will be just fine in the beginning of the week up til Wednesday. Still no call from the dr. So im assuming she has contacted both social service and psych ward at the hospital and feels she cant help me anymore. I cant believe how foolish i was to think that she would understand the context of the letter i gave her. Have not slept properly in over a week and it’s certainly not doing me any good. Anxiety is back in full strength which makes life sort of unbearable. At least we had some real good conversations last night at GA. I just want to sleep til this nightmare is over.

[IRockVX]

Yea sleeping enough def important.  I know the feeling of being overtaken by fatigue/a longing for a deep rest to get away from the numbness and shear exhaustion that comes from not only gambling but the withdrawal of not doing it any more … still early on in my adjustments.

Keep going you’ll make it through

[Steev]

I don’t think you can assume what other people do and if it is important then I think you should check with your dr. You are bound to be all over the place at the moment – this is part of recovery, you are healing, be forgiving of yourself. Good to see you still posting and gamble free – take care.

[Jezi]

Thanks for your posts irock and steev. Im usually not a very negative person, i think anxiety is getting the best of me at the moment. It is exhausting to feel this way and i realise i need help to move on from this stage. Tonight i will go out with a friend to eat at my cousins restaurant in town which im hoping will be relaxing and fun. I let my husband read the letter i gave my dr. and he didnt think it was too weird so im probably overreacting as usual. I hope so!

Have a great night everyone:)

[Steev]

Hi Jezi – just checking in on you as you haven’t posted for a few days. I hope all is well. Looking forward to new posts from you. I’ve even posted on my “own” thread!

[Jezi]

Hi steev, im gonna have a look on your thread to see what you are up to 🙂 hoping things are well with you. My dr. Called yesterday (finally) . She said she read my letter and that it was good that i wrote it. I think she understood what i meant and that I’ve just reached a new bottom. She does insist that i need to be on medication for a while which im not feeling too positive about. Started again yesterday and the side effects are pretty nasty, still only meds and no therapy which feels like crap to be honest. But im trying to beat this and taking long walks and doing yoga when i have time and energy. On saturday i have not gambled for 4 weeks! It has not been very hard, and i think the small slip i had 3,5 weeks ago actually did not do a lot of damage. I did learn from it, gambling only made me sick to my stomach. So maybe all this mental downfall is helpful- im too shocked that my body and mind reacted like this when i stopped gambling that i dont even have time to think about it too much lol

Thats pretty much it!

Take care xxx

[Emma8]

Hi Jezi!

I’m new to the forum and have just a read through your journal. It’s so good to hear you’ve now been able to go 4 weeks without gambling! I’m only on day 5 at the moment so that seems like a huge deal to me! Well done 🙂

Looking forward to following you as you hit more milestones!

[Jezi]

Time is flying by. Im getting so much help and dont really know whats going on other than that im doing all i can to recover from everything that gambling has caused in so many ways. Everything is still unreal and life is kind of on hold. Im more than grateful for all the help I’ve recieved through GA and the local addiction unit. I do both one to one counselling and a CBT course over there. I am shocked that there is so much knowledge and understanding for what im going through at the addiction unit- i think they are heroes and life savers, i dunno what id done without the support from them. At home things are ok but tough as my husband still thinks im to blame for everything. There is a lot of support offered for him but he does not want any of it which makes things difficult- he thinks this is my battle alone. That is all.

Love to everyone and im sorry for not commenting on your posts. I will get back to it i promise xxxx

[Steev]

And good to hear that you are getting so much support – especially as you had so much difficulty at first.

As regards your husband – all you can do is look after yourself. It is still early days and I guess once he has seen the change in you then he will come round. I wish you well!

[Jezi]

Hey, long time no update. Like the title says im busy staying out of trouble- but still in it kinda. I still have 3 gambling related activities per week and it’s helping. Have not gambled for 6 weeks now. Problem is im never getting rid of the darn urges and everything triggers me. Trying to stay away from alcohol too now as I’ve realised i use it for the same reason as gambling – to numb myself and shut out. Not good! Soo im depressed too i guess and have all kinds of weird habits i need to work on that arent too healthy. Extremely low selfesteem and dont think i deserve to be happy even though i want to of course.

Hope you are all doing well xxx

[vera]

Hi Jezi,
Glad to hear you are still G free. Without the regular “prop”, life can be tough at times.
Looking for happiness in the wrong places will never work.
Being “numb” is not the answer either.
We need to face our demons one at a time, one day at a time.
Keep calm.

[Monica1]

I’m just going through people whose posts and updates on how they r getting on I miss. How r u?

[Jezi]

Hi, thanks for your posts. Still gamble free but not doing too good. Should be feeling good about 8 weeks gf but feeling worse now than i did in the beginning. Been to the dr frequently and trying new meds for the last 3 months, nothing has worked properly and having a lot of physical aswell as psychological problems is taking it’s toll on me. Have not posted for a while as i have nothing encouraging to say to other people or in my own thread. Just wishing that things will turn for the better as it’s getting out of hand.

How are you guys?

Love jez

[lizbeth4]

Congrats on your GF time! I understand that things are rough on you now! Hang in there! Do you think that your DR is doing everything he or she can for you? Any doubts, I would try another DR. I’m just speaking from experience.
Try to find 1 positive thing everyday to focus on. It could be simply the weather, a flower or your favorite TV show. It can help get you through the day.
Do you have any support, family or friends? We all know how important that is.
I will be thinking of you and praying that your situation improves. Take care.

[Monica1]

Good to hear from you. When we have a serious and long term gambling problem and go through a period of early recovery many issues, both mind body and spirit come up. It was a natural part of recovery for me. You can write about them on your journal or not, your choice. A journal isn’t somewhere to just be positive because that simply isn’t real although it is important to look at all the things we r grateful for. It also doesnt bring anyone down either to write when we are sad, lonely or anxious and I have been all of those things. We are dealing with very real issues in recovery. Anxiety is one plus depression that come up.
Well done for your past eight weeks and let us know how u r getting on, good and bad.

[Steev]

It is good to hear from you. I am sorry that things are difficult at the moment – seems like you are going through a real withdrawal. This is a time for healing – you need to just be gentle with yourself and take as much time as you need to get back on an even keel. Treat yourself to something nice every day – even if it only something small – at least you know you are being good to yourself. Congrats on your gambling free weeks – I hope you can keep posting here.

[Author]

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