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    • #14921

      Happy New Year everybody.
      I’ve had the most ridiculas year of my life probably and dont really want to elaborate much on that. Maybe I should be out celebrating the end of that year but am not in the mood for it. This for me is my last try at recovery I cant handle anymore gambling. It always ends up worse than the time before, and for those of you that know my story I’ve been in many many hideous and dispicable predicments through gambling, and as this year begins I am in yet another pathetic place. I cant ever remember ever being so depressed. Since I last posted on Christmas day I have gambled almost continuasly, and had my designs on stopping before this year began. At 11.56pm I played my last online poker game on an account with William Hill that I opened up yesterday, quite surprised at this because I have a life time exclusion with them. Anyway I’ve excluded yet again for what its worth.
      This last week I’ve lied cheated and been behaving like a man possesed, and been fully aware of it too. I slept in for work (after an online poker session), yesterday which I think might result in me losing my job. Mind you once all the payday loan companies and debt collectors start ringing my employer I think they will see me in a different light. The real me. The madcap gambling w*****er, coz at the end of the day thats what I am, and thats what I’ve always been.
      I’ve always taken great inspiration from things I’ve read on here because I wanted and needed it, I believed I could change and did do for a long while, but I’ve changed back not just to where I was a couple of years ago but I’ve been as bad as I’ve ever been. I detest the gambler in me I really do. I cant live with it no more.
      So what can I do?
      Grow up, I suppose. Lol its as easy as that. Just say no, thats not difficult.
      No I am on the waggon now good and proper, but I think if I ever have just the smallest gamble ever again I will go and jump off the top of a tower block because I can not handle this anymore. I feel as if I’m damned to an eternity of self inflicted pain and suffering. Maybe you think I’m feeling sorry for myself, playing the victim, blaming other people or circumstances. I’m not. This is how I feel .
      If things had of been different this week I might not have gambled, but they weren’t and I did. Gambling never fixes anything only makes things worse, we all know this or claim to know this. But I can remeber maybe once or twice when I  have won my way out of trouble, and its those times that have served as a catalyst to my recent goings on.
      Anyway started off wanting to write a nice hopeful and optimistic post I am sorry its been all doom and gloom. I know what I need to do, so suppose I’ll just get on my way and do it.
      Wishing you all a Happy New Year.
      Dont give up on youselves. I havn’t given up on myself; not yet.

    • #14922

      Well good for you Vera. Those people dont care about you, we do. I am fairly certain in a month or two or maybe a bit sooner or later, you will look back at these last six weeks and L O L at how pathetic it is. We all know and we’ve all been there, but you’ve been here too.
      Your honesty about today is commendable, and its tomorrow already! I’m not going to gamble just for today, and you are most welcome to join me.
      This place would be no good to anybody if we just told a load of bollochs, recovery requires a great deal of honesty as you know this dosnt mean just answering questions truthfully. Better out than in.
      The irregular sleep patterns I think are common with us all and a sign of lots on the mind I think. Whatever has happened before now is in the past its been and gone so why spend your time thinking about whats been and gone. Theres always positives V as you know.
      Struggled giving the weed up but 4 days free now, and it is a lot harder than I thought so obviously a bigger problem than I thought.
      A work in progress.
      Mind you Vera, in all honesty I am very sorry you’ve gone a bit wonky, but not at all suprised that your last 50 turned into many more, why did you expect it to be different this time? It never is, not for us.
      The GH outreach worker has a saying he uses a lot when someone has gambled, "same old punchline", he says. Cant argue there can we?
      Consider yourself spoken to.Those are my wise words in your period of silliness!! Lol.
      I dont gamble.– 01/06/2011 00:16:55: post edited by geordie18.

    • #14923

      Good day today. Got a lot of well paid work coming up so will be able to sort my rent arrears out without the help of the council. Some other good news after I’ve repaid all the money I’d ****** from Ebay and paypal ebay have decided to refund my sellers fees, £229. Sadly it can take up to 60 days to reach my bank as it comes through the international banking system so it wont help me at the minute.
      I spoke to my ex today, this was the second phone call in the last few weeks, we have agreed to be just email and phone call friends and that suits us both just fine, we were like that for 10 years before we got together.
      I finished work at 11am today and have done nowt but talk on the phone and post a bit on here, all theraputic and all leaves me with the feel good factor. Of course that pails into insignificance with the feel good factor of this, ………………another Gamble Free day..
      I want to go and buy some weed though, but am not going to. The reason I’ve left gambling behind is I want a life, and being stoned all the time isn’t really life.
      Geordie.I dont gamble.

    • #14924
      looby loo

      Hi Geordie
      Thanks for the post on my thread and I have ordered said book. I don’t usually read many books unless they grip me in the first page, so hopefully !! I have just updated myself reading your thread. So sorry to hear about Dad and Mums ongoing illnesses, but you are there for them, despite other family members being absent Geordie. You know what they say, we can’t save everyone, we have to save ourselves and you are certainly doing that. Well done you, keep up the good work, and Vera, you know it makes sense !!! lol. All you wrote about everything being compulsive I can see in my son !! All or nothing – only thing is he has not yet done the banning from all DOCTOR QUIRKEY’S GOOD TIME EMPORIUMS lol !!! Still hope yet though. Good for you. Take care both.
      Much love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxWe must look forward and must never look back, we cannot change what has already happened. The future is brighter.Looby Loo

    • #14925

      Hi Geordie!
      Just a brief post . I was in Wicklow for the day so in case you think I have taken another "nose dive", I havent!
      Going into Day 2 G-free….
      Been thinking about my triggers and have discovered a few…
      Been thinking about the "weed" and saying I would suggestto you to look up some helpline to deal with that, but you’ve done it already…dying to hear how it works but this post is brief..
      You asked how I had access to so much money…
      my salary goes in every fortnight to the bank.even though I have huge debt re payments things were building up nicely because my son got over 4 grand SW back money which he owed me and I got nearly 3 grand back tax and I was keeping that for my daughter’s holiday plus I need major dental work which I ve been postponing ….
      Suffice to say that my bank balance does not reflect these wind falls today, and I will have to keep my lips sealed for another few years!
      I don’t know whether to scream, vomit or tear my hair out when I realise what I did, but what would be the point.
      One thing I do know, is that I wont be attempting to get cashback from Dr Quirkey or any other measly low life scumbag casino owner. I was going to say" May they all rot in **** " but they wont print that here….
      In short I am disgusted with myself………….
      I am praying for your parents, G and for your goodself…for Serenity, courage, wisdom, and of couse AWARENESS!

    • #14926

      Am dead pleased to hear it V, honestly I really am. I’m having a sleepless night, very common in the first weeks of giving up weed apparently. Actually the site I found has a list of the possible side effects and insomnia is top of the list, many who have quit sleep well after a week or two. Sounds familiar. Short post from me too. Never crossed my mind you had nose dived. I know that feeling of disgust I am still disgusted about my channanigans a few months ago, but I am so pleased with myself for how I am conducting myself now. The one thing we both know is that our last bet was in the past, and we are both more than capable of keeping it there.
      I’m not a regular prayer sayer, I do have faith though and your prayers mean a lot, x. Look how sherry just popped up, a coincidence I wonder.
      See you soon.I dont gamble.

    • #14927

      Geordie, maybe you can get a few sleep aids in the health food shop to tide you over…Im addicted to sleeping tabs now so I would not recommend then except for very short term use…There a site called EFT…google it. I find it great…takes you through a series of TAPPING in the meridian points…get one that gives instruction and follow every step exactly and it really will help. GOODNIGHT!

    • #14928

      right thank you and goodnight!I dont gamble.

    • #14929

      My sister does EFT.  She has an Office and helps people with all kinds of things.  She tries to do it on me but I’m too impatient to give it a chance.
      I misunderstood you Geordie, I thought you were going to try weed to stop gambling. I hope you find what you need to quit.  There are sleep aids that claim to be non-addictive.  I’ve tried them on occaision and think they work great.  That might help you get through the sleepless nights.
      Hang in there Geordie.  We’re all in this together.If you want to know your past; look into your present conditions.If you want to know your future; look into your present actions.~Roy Mathews

    • #14930

      I just read through your thread and you’ve come a long way since January. I’m impressed that you came clean with ebay and paid back all your debt. No doubt you’ll kick that weed habit too.If you want to know your past; look into your present conditions.If you want to know your future; look into your present actions.~Roy Mathews

    • #14931

      Thanks. I’ve had another good gambling free day and a good day in other respects too. I got an out of the blue phone call offering me a great job driving long distance in a 7.5 tonne truck. It is a secure job and more money than I’m earning at present. However I love what I do and it was a nice feeling to be able to say thanks but no thanks. If things dont pan out as well as I hope where I am its handy to know that people are still willing to give me a chance, they too know about my criminal record. Its a funny feeling that I have so many good things going on, and I havnt got that niggling feeling that the bubble is about to burst. My Dad just rang me to see if I wanted "a hand" paying for my train ticket next week, it was a hard job to convince him that I dont. I am skint-ish but I can afford my ticket just about. If I’d been buying weed these last few days well then I would have probably regretfully have accepted his offer.
      He’s been to the dentist today and got a clean bill of health with regards to his gums, so we know it hasnt spread there. Also although he hasn’t yet had results from the mri scan, I think in my own mind if anything had of shown up he would have been asked to go back to hospital straight away. I dont know just an assumption.
      My Mam also sounds a lot better but I know she is putting up a good show of bravado, and putting a brave face on for the sake of my Dad. She still is quite ill.
      My daughter is another box of ***** altogether. I felt that we were getting a lot closer, but she didnt even ring me on my birthday last sunday just a reply to a text I sent her at 5pm, I can understand completely that she must have issues with trust concerning me, (ie takes all I say with a pinch of salt), however we have had some deep conversations of late, and I was a bit disapointed she didnt ring.
      Im turning my laptop off in a minute, I need a break from it so just thought I’d do a quick post before I did.
      Adios amigos!!I dont gamble.

    • #14932
      looby loo

      Nice post Geordie, keep it up . It makes good reading. xx
      Much love
      xxWe must look forward and must never look back, we cannot change what has already happened. The future is brighter.Looby Loo

    • #14933

      Thanks Looby I am really turning this off but just done a quick post to you which turned into a long one, and then it just dissapeared so have done it again. Thanks Looby.
      And just before I really do go Vera and Sherry I had a look at that EFT thing and it looks good, I tried the tapping thing last night lol, I’ve done sillier things I admit. I will be having a good look at it over the weekend.
      Sherry I think we were both getting crossed wires last night. Good luck to you and sister pact! Vera I’ve got a spare set of bottom teeth if you want them!
      Tara for now.I dont gamble.

    • #14934

      Hi Geordie
      Don’t be disgusted that your daughter didn’t ring. Trust can take for ever and children must be the hardest of all to prove your worth to. She is possibly terrified to trust.   Twilight’s post will tell you that.   
      We cannot put ourselves in other people’s shoes however hard we try. You know what is going on in your heart – she doesn’t. It took me over two years to begin to trust and I am supposed to be the adult in all this – the child is a much more tender plant. She might take all you say with a pinch of salt but that is her only protection. Please, never feel disgust with her – she will want her dad to be true but she cannot know that he is. 
      She has less experience of life than you – keep on the road of recovery and she will learn to trust – she will want to, it is fear of being let down that prevents her feeling it.   Keep the conversations going and never think that she is a disappointment because she isn’t. She is ‘your’ child.  She ***** you to be the person that she hopes you are but as yet she is still a little afraid to trust you with her heart. 
      We have to go the extra mile as parents Geordie. We cannot make our children see things our way because we say so.   We have to give them time and example just as our parents gave us. It can be a thankless task but we didn’t bring them into this world to thank us. Never give up – she deserves to have a dad who will be there for her.  
      I wish you both well


    • #14935

      Thanks Velvet I’m not disgusted with her, but disapointed a bit. Thank you and I did think about Twilight and a few other threads Ive read of the children of cg’s. Again though, what you say makes great sense. And aswell, how many of my parents birthdays have I missed. I dont blame her I think it will be quite a while yet before we have back what we did do. Baby steps, and a work in progress.
      I’m having another bad time trying to get to sleep and just logged on and I must say it was a pleasant suprise to see you post on my thread, thanks again.
      I dont gamble.– 03/06/2011 00:59:13: post edited by geordie18.

    • #14936

      Belated Happy Birthday G!
      I was going to say "put the bottom teeth where the monkey put the bad nut" but that would be a very vulgar thing for a respectable Irish woman to say, wouldn’t it!
      The dentist told me that my bottom teeth are perfect! (pity about the uppers) He said I have teeth in the gums that never came through!!!!Probably lodged in my brain!!! Maybe that’s what has me gone daft…strange thing! If the bottom teeth needed treatment it would all be covered by the private health insurance my husband has paid all his working life but ther is no cover for the "uppers"….It could only happen in Ireland!
      Geordie, if you get a chance read about my "banning " experience in Dublin tonight!
      The plot thickens!

    • #14937

      Just missed you on the chat G…I was unravelling wires …I have about 5 plugs connected to a thing under the bed…hope I dont get electrocuted…..Imagine driving a 7.5 tonne truck…I can barely keep a Hyundai 1 10 on the road!

    • #14938

      Insomnia, isn’t it great!  Got to 5.50am, and I thought might aswell have a coffee cant go to sleep now, promptly fell asleep waiting for the kettle to boil woke up half an hour ago! I rang my boss and told him a fib, I feel bad. But if I told him the truth; a sleepless night due to my weed withdrawal, I really dont think he would have been so understanding!
      Its the first *** I can remember telling for months and I feel bad because of it, I hope by writing about it, it eases my conscience. I told him I had a doctors appt. at 5 past 10 to get some blood pressure tablets as I had none left, he has kindly given me the morning off.
      So no turning back on the weed smoking now, actually I’m looking forward to not smoking it any more, although I think it will be very hard over the weekend. The good thing is I’m in Newcastle next week and when I return I’ll have had two weeks off so hopefully the insomnia will have gone by then.
      A big bonus is my diet wont keep falling by the wayside. I have put on nearlry 2 stone, of the 4.5 I lost last year.
      I have bought my ticket to get home on Monday. £15!!!! big difference to the £115 I paid two weeks ago.
      Anyway cant sit here all day, hope everyone has a gamble free day, just a day without gambling, its no big deal, one day, we can all do that cant we!
      It dosnt matter if youve got 25 years of clean days behind you or none, all any of us can do today is get through this one day. If you are struggling with urges and still tempted by gambling just ask yourself whats the worst that can happen if you dont get that bet placed.
      Anyway cant afford to go on a "preaching one" I havnt got the time.
      See you all soon.   Geordie.I dont gamble.

    • #14939

      Hi Geordie,
      Thank you for the lovely message you posted for me. Not on here very often now so just read it.
      So pleased you are sounding upbeat. Yes you are so right : the monkey is on our shoulders every day urging us to have one small life changing gamble. Fortunately we are wise to the monkey now, and yes that small gamble is lifechanging but not in the way we hope for.
      I love reading your posts and they are not ‘preachy’ at all!!
      Life is too short to be anything but happy!!

    • #14940

      Thanks sad, I noticed you hadnt replied and I was wondering, thanks for popping in! Pleased that you’re sounding chipper too, isn’t it great.
      Cheers.          Geordie.I dont gamble.

    • #14941

      Well well well. Guess what another gamble free day and another happy day!
      I KNOW that every single user on this site can find a gamble free sustainable new way of life, believe me it is worth fighting for.
      Any new members reading may be thinking I havnt had it as bad as you. Read my earlier threads, my behaviour when I was gambling was abysmal on a good day, grotesque on a bad. FIVE PRISON SENTANCES, MENTAL INSTITUTIONS, ROBBERIES, BUGLARIES, EXTORTION, to name but a few of the lengths and consequences I endured in a 30 year period of gambling. One big win, lol several, I never bought myself as much as a pair of shoes, all those big wins got me was MORE GAMBLING, MORE MISERY, MORE CONVICTIONS, MORE HEARTACHE, MORE TIME IN CLOUD CUCKOO LAND, MORE ESTRANGED FROM MY FAMILY, MORE TROUBLE. My poor innocent family were my biggest victims I WAS A CRUEL CALLOUS MAN, of course I WAS SICK, literally. I’m getting better now I AM IN RECOVERY. If I can turn it round from there so can anyone and its as simple as CHOOSING NOT TO GAMBLE.
      Of course when in the throes of it all if some one suggested why dont you just stop. LOL I could punch them they didnt understand I HAD TO GAMBLE, I just had to I was hooked its not case of just saying no is it? Its a lot harder than that up until six months ago I would swear the most difficult thing in my life would be to stop gambling. The last three months I can swear its not hard at all, providing you go about it the right way.
      I’m sure most people on here have had long periods when they havnt gambled and that is great, but at the same time an achievement to battle those urges. If that sounds like you but youve gambled again dont give up, but I can tell you that you were probably just abstaining from gambling, no easy task and very well done for achieving it. You can find RECOVERY here and SALVATION from this awful hideous addiction, you have to work hard but when it clicks it clicks.
      Dont just stop gambling, change your life; get into recovery its here for us all. The hardest thing is believing in yourself to do the right thing,. You know your life will be better without gambling in it or you wouldnt be here, we convince ourselves it is a mountain to climb. Well of course its not, but our heads get so full of spit we cant see the wood for the trees. And infact years ago when it was suggested "why dont you just stop" that was a perfectly reasonable suggestion. Its not harder than giving up drink or *****, your bodies become dependant on such substances, we dont need a gamble to get through the day. Whats the worst that can happen if we dont gamble on a particular day, ………..some might say "the opportunity to win a jackpot", I have to admit that is true however a jackpot to us only buys us more gambling. History and other peoples threads tell us we can never ever walk away a winner.
      I want everybody to feel how I feel, how do I feel?  HIGH ON LIFE!
      We can all achieve this, one day at a time. Thats not lip service to a clichè, it is the way it has to be.
      Have a nice weekend everybody , lets all make today a gamble free day.
      Geordie.I dont gamble.

    • #14942

      I moved what i had written to the intro / new members, good reading thanks.
      Things are better without a bet on today.– 6/3/2011 11:53:13 PM: post edited by PaddyDublin.

    • #14943

      Today was fine thanks Geordie!
      Life goes on!
      Good memories overuled the bad…
      No thoughts of gambling today. Maybe my sis is pulling strings for me!
      Early night tonight…I’m so FAT !

    • #14944

      Thats no excuse for an early night. You paint such a lovely picture of youself! Pleased, really pleased you had a good day. Look at the time, I’m watching supermarket sweep! I’m fat aswell nowt wrong with that. No weed again and no blinking sleep.!I dont gamble.

    • #14945

      I took a sleeping tablet an hour ago…still no sleep….

    • #14946

      yeah they’re good them!I dont gamble.

    • #14947

      yes they are but addictive….
      not that i have taken any tonight but i been on the wine
      good night all 😉

    • #14948

      Great I got some sleep a good 5 hours aswell. Weed, whats it all about! 
      Am going to work this morning and am dropping someone off beside where an ex GH resisent lives, not the one I was gambling with months ago. I’m going to pop in and see him which will be nice, he’s a bigger bacon sandwich fan than me, so I’ll just have this one more day off my diet. Dieting will be quite hard this next week being at my Mams anyway so another week off will be ok I suppose. Isn’t it funny, I actually cant wait to go up home, and for the last 20 years or so, I was always anxious to leave. I love my non gambling life.
      I hope everyone has thier wits about them today, if you’re struggling just stay close to this site and the 24 hour chat room, just for today dont gamble!
      You dont ever need to do it, life is so much better without it. I know, I’ve had more pleasure, more happiness and more satisfaction in these last three months than I’ve ever had since my schooldays, which was a long time ago.
      I was on the phone to a mate from where I used to live last night. Really nice to speak with him hes doing well too, hes not a cg btw. We are going to meet up later in the year he’s invited me to Amsterdam, that is something I might have to decline because of my weed issues, but to be honest I love Amsterdam, I’ve been lots of ***** so probably will go it would be nice to have a holiday. Mind you wouldnt be till Sept. By then hopefully the weed will be just as trivial to me as the gambling is now, something I just dont do.
      Anyway got to go to work soon, no doubt I’ll be back later.
      Dont give up, persistance in recovery pays off. Just for today dont gamble, if not for your own sake for the sake of your loved ones, they deserve it just as much as you and me.
      Cheers Geordie.
      I dont gamble.– 04/06/2011 08:27:18: post edited by geordie18.

    • #14949

      Hi Geordie
      So pleased to hear you are doing so well.. what an amazing journey you are on and it is such a pleasure to read and see your transformation.  Thank you for your support to me, your poem and your words really did put a little tear in my eye.  Thank you for caring Geordie.  I am doing ok, I am on day 19 today and feeling like this time is so very different from all those other *****.  I certainly hope so!  I am still around, just cant keep a thread right now.  Its a mental thing and a privacy thing haha. 

    • #14950

      Well P, what a lovely surprise to hear from you, I am so happy you’re having some clean time. What ever it takes to get you better you keep on doing it. I hope you’re still getting support from somewhere.
      I missed the meeting at GH at the begining of March because I was sick of listening to myself month after month repeating a similar story; I’m up the creek without a paddle, ive been gambling again, i cant stop ect ect. However it was great to go in April and May and report I havnt been gambling and I am getting a life again. Maybe its similar to your situation  now.
      I’m having another great gambling free and weed free day, to hear from you and your good news is the icing on the cake. Cheers P..
      Your friend in recovery, Geordie.
      Just for today P, we can do it.
      I dont gamble.
      Ps. P. A privacy thing is fair enough, but I hope you are sharing with someone, keeping secrets can be dangerous.
      Take care   xx
      — 04/06/2011 16:06:19: post edited by geordie18.– 04/06/2011 16:28:38: post edited by geordie18.

    • #14951

      Hi Geordie
      Thanks for your posts.. It is good to be back.  Geordie I understand exactly the feeling you are having, I am having it too.  I know its hard to explain but by what you are saying I know its the same!! It is wonderful.  This is the first time after a relapse that I am not fighting urges.  It really is just full on surrender that i cant gamble… I don’t ever want to go back to that feeling of disgust compared to this feeling of happiness.  The little things are starting to feel even better than they probably ever could before just because i am gamble free and not fighting it, not missing it, i am loving being gamble free as you are.  Yipppeeeeeee Geordie…
       P – Living and Learning

    • #14952

      GREAT NEWS P, I’m really really happy for you.
      You and I both know we’re not cured but be we know what the best medicine is, whatever the future may hold, I know I wont gamble today, and by talking today, I am helping to prevent gambling thoughts and urges appearing tomorrow. We cant do it a year at a time, but certainly can get through a day at a time.
      You’re right p, it is a great feeling and ive felt like this for weeks, I wont take my foot off the gas because I want this feeling to continue.
      Nice to see that you’re back.I dont gamble.

    • #14953

      Thanks Geordie
      I really love your simple saying down the bottom… I dont gamble.  Thats all we need to say to ourselves every day.. yippeee. 
       P – Living and Learning

    • #14954

      And thanks again to you p.
      Well another gamble free day is nearly over and a nice satisfying one. I was at work this morning and popped into see my mate that was in GH with me, he lives only 3 miles from where I dropped my passangers off so it would have been rude not to pop in.
      Tonight is the one night I can afford a sleeplness night but I am feeling quite tired. I came so close to buying weed just half an hour ago as I bumped into a dealer in the shop, thankfully I had no cash with me, well not enough for that. So my gambling boundaries have helped save me from the downfall of my secondary addiction. With regards to the weed the same philosphy that I am applying to my gambling should apply, it is of course also just a case of saying "no". I know that to be true in both cases but the urge for a smoke is there and very evident to me.
      I really like the new me, the only real insecurity I have is that a few cgs on here may not. I know if I had of been on the receiving end of some of my recent posts I would have felt quite angry. There is one post on a thread of mine that will always be etched on my mind, harsh words, no frills, no namby pamby ***** footing about, I was told in no uncertain terms I hadnt slipped I had gambled. Lol how very very true. I hadnt slipped because I hadnt been travelling along the recovery road, only abstaining,fighting urges and hoping I wouldnt gamble.
      That said after being a cg for 30 years I think that I know as well as anyone how our minds work, and the extent to which we can decieve and ***** ourselves. Immediatley after a gamble is when I dont want to hear people telling me how to behave I am an angry man at such ***** and I will lash out at others. I think thats why many of us will wait a few days after a gamble before returning. We dont want hear the truth right then, the truth hurts. Only with hindsight I can say this it app***s to me and I see it nearly every week some where or other on a gambling forum. Many of us will avoid talking about things because, in my opinion, we *** to ourselves that we know, and we can handle it.
      So if the new me has offended that has never been my intention and I apologise to anyone who has taken offence.
      However the new me is also loved by my family and every one in my support network has made very positive comments to me this last couple of weeks. So I wont be altering my ways I’m afraid, I want us all to recover from this, of course we never ever will be recovered but we can all live a very happy life in recovery without ever gambling again. No way am I cured of it, but I am happy in the knowledge that I am doing everything I possibly can to keep it out of my life and I think I have the winning formula for me.
      I had a new phone delivered yesterday and as I was transferring my list of phone numbers I deleted the numbers of my weed dealer a good boundary in that fight, I was hesitant about doing it however there was no valid reason to keep it so its gone.
      I had my daily chat with my Mam today, she isn’t sounding too well again but was on the phone nearly 2 hrs, it was a great chat and we talked quite a lot about gambling and she actually said "To be honest I’ve seen a massive change in you these last few weeks". She too is happy, but not complacent, shes seen changes in me lots of ***** previously but she has never confided in me the way she did tonight I was pleased for her.
      I am not too happy with my daughter though she hasnt even rang my Mam for nearly three weeks and she knows my Dad was having this mri scan last week, she promised me she would call in with my grandson for 10 minutes last week as he is their great grandson and hes a great tonic to both Mam and Dad.
      My Dad himself hasnt been in the best of fettle today but he must be very worried about whats going to happen this week, I havnt let the worry become over bearing and I wonder if the worry has added to the causes of sleepless nights. Pleased I’m off that weed.
      On the weed forum I had to smile, somebody posted on my thread, "if I can change, anybody can" that used to be my forum signature on here. I am a newbie to giving weed up and have great support on there, there are such a lot of similarities however I do think that the body and mind become dependant on the weed. I dont think as cgs we become dependant on gambling, we just convince ourselves we are. It is a non sense to think otherwise, in my opinion. Not just my opinion actually its just nonsense.
      Halleluja its just gone midnight I didnt gamble or smoke weed yesterday.
      Just for today I will not gamble, not lip service its a fact.
      I dont gamble.– 04/06/2011 23:09:43: post edited by geordie18.

    • #14955

      HI Geordie, good on the gf time and weed free time.  Keep going!!!!Seize all the good things in life

    • #14956

      Hi Geordie
      Your enthusiasm makes me smile because i feel the same.. we must have both found the secret elixir to this.. for us anyway!  I was always fighting urges every single time i tried to stop.. im not fighting Geordie and it feels wonderful.  I have been thinking well, i just cant gamble thats all there is to it, it is something i can no longer do.  Maybe all those ***** ago wasnt rock bottom enough for me.  I hope its not just the honeymoon period they talk about, for me though i feel this is it and i am hanging on to it for as long as possible.. good on you Geordie, you have changed your life I can see the difference in your posts too.  You are a different person to the one posting before.  We can travel this gamble free journey together.. god let this feeling stay!!!
       P – Living and Learning

    • #14957

      I have just been reading this thread back from the beginning. I was quite ignorant to a lot of the advice and support offered by so many when I was behaving like a complete plonker. What lovely people we have on GT, CG’s and their F+F.
      Going through this thread, I have noticed the date of my last gamble was March 13th, that was exactly 16 weeks ago. I would never ever have done it without the support I have recieved, a great deal of that support here on GT, thanks to all of you that have supported me, I really mean it. This site has been instrumental in my recovery, well not the site, the people that contribute in the forums and the chat rooms.
      I am high on life these days, six months ago I was sure I’d be in jail again, or worse by now. Thankfully I stopped the rot. Every single one who posted on this thread have helped me, and many who havnt posted on this thread have helped me just as much by plotting their own journeys and struggles to leave gambling behind. The things I was doing immediatley after that last bet, I am still doing. There are absoloutly no short cuts in recovery.
      A lot of you will know of the anguish I felt at Easter time, and since, concerning the health of my parents. The support and warmth I felt at that time was also first class.
      It is sad to see my cg friends on here slip and fall, it really is, but the wisdom we are granted just by being here ensures we all keep coming back, and try it again. My message; IT’S WORTH IT.
      Every forum user cg, or otherwise, have allowed their lives to be tainted by this destructive illness. In most cases gambling just crept into to ourlives in disguise, for many F+F users, their lives were being destroyed by a secret enemy that they knew very little about. Many live for years with the lies and are duped by us continuesly, without even knowing what the problem is. It is so unfair. We all need to recover from this, and all of us forum users are the fortunate ones to find this place and the wealth of knowledge and support it offers.
      I’m off up home again tomorrow, my Mams at hospital tomorrow, my Dad is on Tuesday, fingers crossed ***** be going back in on Thursday to have the tumour removed. I might be absent from the forum for a few days, and if I am I just want you all to know I will be safe in the knowledge I have you all here supporting me, and my family. I will be taking my laptop, to so hopefully I will be able to keep in touch.
      How stupidly I was behaving six months ago, but this thread will always be an inspiration to me. Like Alan Partridge, I feel I have bounced back. God most certainly has granted me serenity, courage and wisdom. I havn’t took. my foot off the gas for 16 weeks, and that is something I have no plans to change. Ever.
      There are lots of you that deserve extra special thanks for helping me, but for fear of leaving any one out I wont. I would however like to say a great big Thank You to Looby Loo, I cant say Loobys support has been any better than anyone elses, because its all great. However its a different kind of support and I am privalaged that Loobs has taken the time and trouble to post to me during some very difficult ***** in her own recovery. Thanks Looby.
      Another gamble free day is beginning for me, just for today I wont gamble. I hope you all join me, one day at a time, together we can crack this difficult nut.
      Geordie.I dont gamble.

    • #14958

      Dear Geordie,
      Great uplifting post!
      There was always something special about you and your posts. I believe because you are so honest in your writing and I can read within the lines how you do want to overcome this awful addiction. I so admire the way you have been able to pick yourself up and start your recovery. I have learned from you and others on this site that slips are ok if you get yourself together again and get on the wagon again. I know we all have slips in ourlives not just cg or people with addictins. Everyday many of us say we are going to do this and that but we don’t. We do something that is not exactly good for us. So I see this now and I am not so quick to judge when the person is really trying.
      I wish the best health news for both of your parents. Just reading about them in your posts I see how special they are and how much they do love you. I know they are estactic that you have been there for them. There is nothing more special than being loved by the ones you love the most. You are doing so well Geordie!
      You have been most helpful in regards to my father. I saw him yesterday for a brief moment. It was actually a chance situation. I was driving home with my girls and he was walking on the road. I pulled over to say ***** and to see if he needed a lift. He was walking to church so I drove him there. It was nice for those few moments. I don’t think I could of done that if I didn’t understandt the addiction in him.
      So have a wonderful time at your parents and know so many people are here for you!
      Take care,
      Twilight(I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles)

    • #14959

      Thanks Twilight, you always say the nicest things, and I know that you are sincere in your sentiments, and it means so much. Its a shame that the "CG’s" of some of the F+F are still continuing with addiction, rather than recovery. The warmth that has been shown to me from F+F members has always meant a lot.
      I have been able to share a lot with my family because of some of the support I have received from F+F on here, it has helped me and them.
      My daughter rang my Mam this morning without any prompting from me so that is terriffic. I’ve just been on the phone to each of them, about half an hour each call. I feel happy. In my gambling days it might have been a 30 second call every three months. I am so pleased I have changed Twilight. I cant describe it, so so different to last year to. I maybe was trying too hard and I couldnt see the impending doom.
      Thank you so very much for being there. ******** dont gamble.

    • #14960

      Originally posted by geordie18

      … I have noticed the date of my last gamble was March 13th, that was exactly 16 weeks ago …

      Good morning Georgie, Well done!
      Well done on reaching this milestone and on recognizing that you do not have to gamble whenever the addiction commands it of us; we can take back the control over our lives, we can make the right choice.
      More important than the day we are at in any stage of our recovery is today, the day that can add to our time in living gambling free.  I see that you have read some of the past post of Colin In Brum, in his introductory remarks he states this in a better way, "I haven’t had a bet in a while but whats far more important than when my last bet was, is when my next bet is going to be. Hopefully the answer will remain as "not today" …"
      May the time between each of our last bets and the forthcoming days never change.
      God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all , I will continue to remain gambling free.

    • #14961

      Hi Geordie, I am sending good wishes for your parent’s health.  Take care of yourself!!!!Seize all the good things in life

    • #14962

      Hi Georgie,
      Thanks for posting on my thread. I haven’t really posted anything new lately so it’s rather boring there :). I am glad you are connecting well with your family again. I just recently connected with my family again after months hiding in my shell of shame. They are very happy that I am somewhat my normal self and I am sure your parents are very happy with you.
      what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

    • #14963

      Thanks everybody, what a  brilliant quote  Larry, I had missed it so thank you, I’m sure I’ll be pinching that and using it at the next outreach meeting!
      Geordie .I dont gamble.

    • #14964
      looby loo

      Hi Geordie
      I too hope your parents health issues begin to resolve and that all goes well with dads operation(s). I would like to thank you for your support on my thread, that is what this site is all about, supporting those who want recovery and encouraging those who might be falling by the wayside slightly. Sad to say, still no contact from son and that is how it will remain. His Nanna and Grandad (by marriage) came for lunch today and were asking how the situation was with him. Of course we updated them with the finer details – no point hiding it and they were truly sad and shocked about the most recent of events !! Not a lot happening here, but our darling grandaughter also called in :-)), she brings us so much joy amongst so much sadness and for that we are thankful. Whatever you are doing is working for you Geordie, and that is all that matters. I know you have been disappointed in your daughter of late, but I think V hit it on the head, trust takes time to rebuild/regain and you have said yourself, you let many people down when you were in the grip of the addiction, without a thought for them or the situation you left them in, so don’t be too harsh on her actions. Things will come together in the ‘midst of time’ as they say. Keep on keeping on mate.
      Take care on your journey. Much love xx We must look forward and must never look back, we cannot change what has already happened. The future is brighter.Looby Loo

    • #14965

      work went well G!
      Hope the hospital visits go well for your mam on Monday and dad on Tuesday!
      Even if I wanted to gamble now I would be too tired. I would have to *** on the casino floor and kick the play button on the machine.
      I’m sure stranger things have happened!
      Somebody texted me looking for a loan tonight! If only they knew who they were asking. Two grand!
      I said NO!

    • #14966

      Thanks Looby and Vera, Some peolpe V! would have left you feeling not too grand, i’m sure.
       I am on the train home, had a good night’s sleep last night so feel wide awake. My Mam rang me at 05.45 to make sure I was up; she didn’t sound too well but is at the hosp about her chest this morning hopefully I will meet her there when I get off the train.
      It’s a year next week I left Gordon House, I knew it wasn’t going to be plain sailing, and I am quite disappointed it has taken me so long to put into place the coping mechanisms I discovered within myself when I was there. However I have now, and I know only too well it’s no good having any regrets, I can’t change the past. I was thinking this morning about my counselling course and I do think a lot of what I learned there has also helped me to sustain the changes I have made so far. I feel as if I have made one massive change these last few months, but of course not, its not one change it is probably more like an accumulation of many smaller changes along the way. Such things as; listening to and considering the feedback of others, and, not dismissing it an instant. One thought pattern I had to change a long time ago was to stop thinking that gambling isn’t an option. It is an option to everybody, each and every day; there are gambling opportunities each and every day too. What I learned was that I have a choice whether to gamble or not, I have learned how to make the correct choice, which I have done every day for a while now. I know that I am so fortunate to have gone through the GH programme, and (Looby) you can’t give hope because what I learned has stayed with me, although I had chosen to ignore a lot of it, if not all, last year. I think the counselling I received in Gordon House was crucial to my present recovery. It has certainly made me realise the benefits of getting things out, and not being as judgemental as I was. I was having a bad time in there during my counselling; facing up to trauma from years gone by, as well as how my previous gambling behaviour was effecting my life in other aspects, things I had never even thought of before. At that time my relationship started to deteriorate my ex and me just couldn’t seem to talk, every conversation was ended abruptly by either one of us, we both at that time had the inability to listen to each other; thanks to our independent recoveries we both now are much better listeners. I realised that the resentful feelings that I was having towards my ex were completely un-justified. However I felt as if she was being unreasonable towards me too, and in all honesty I feel that my ex had every right to behave the way she did towards me, she certainly benefitted by learning so much in the F+F. We have spoken lately actually, it was really nice. We will stay in touch but by email and only the occasional phone call, neither of us thinks it’s a good idea to try our relationship again. At the time though my ex observed that during the three months previous to my stay in GH when I was living with her she had observed me "dry gambling". At the time I did not agree with her to the point of feeling contempt towards her, however I had to acknowledge the fact she was right during our recent conversations. Thankfully in such an open and honest forum as this there is lots of knowledge to be gained by listening to others; maybe a bad trait of mine was not listening to others. Thankfully I think I accept criticism well now and will always digest what others say, I think that I learn just as much from talking to and reading the posts of those that struggle, as well as the posts of those strong in recovery for long periods. I am pleased also that I learned from trying to accept and give support from my friend last year when we had both been gambling was so wrong. It was too easy for both of us to collude, and carry on living in denial without even seeing it, justifying and normalising our idiotic and pathetic behaviour, (but as it’s been said to me and is something I am pleased I can now agree with we don’t see our own denials without changing; DENIAL; Don’t Even kNow I Am ***** To Myself). Of course it was suggested to me not so very long ago by very well respected members of the gambling therapy team and forum users, as well as my support worker from GH and the outreach chap not to pursue support with this friend. Of course being so full of it after recently gambling, I thought I knew best and chose to ignore them all. The result? Probably the thefts and frauds at Christmas and New Year to get my gambling money. I figured it out weeks and weeks ago that if I had of listened to Vera, Velvet, and others back then I wouldn’t be in my current financial situation. I think why GT prohibit the exchanging of personal details in the public forums is so that people in denial don’t have to opportunity to bring each other down, by normalising or excusing their gambling. I also think it’s nice when GT do allow members to exchange details, when both parties are recovering well. I think every day without gambling is another day of new knowledge for me, you learn something new every day, indeed I do. This new talking routine of mine isn’t a massive change, more the tweaking up of my awareness maybe it was the missing link in my recovery, only time will tell. I am pleased that it works for me. It only works for me because I give it 100%. I appreciate that others that are strong in recovery may not necessarily follow the same regime as me, and I’m not saying that “their” way is wrong. I know that my way is right, for me.
      You can’t run before you can walk and I don’t think it’s possible to recover until you change.
      I was writing this on the train earlier, but never had time to post it before the train got here, I am back at my Mams house now, she has to go back to the hospital in four weeks for her chest and in two weeks for her gallbladder. I think my Dad is understandably worried about the next few days and it is not nice to see him like this, mind you he’s just walked to the barbers and back, and seemed to be walking fine.
      I’m pleased I am back up here for a few days, just wish it was under better circumstances. Cant wait to get my grandson again later in the week.
      Just for today!
      I dont gamble. Because recovery is priceless.– 06/06/2011 14:39:52: post edited by geordie18.

    • #14967

      When I sit opposite somebody on a train (rarely), and they are using a laptop, I wonder what’s going on!
      I could be you, typing all this philosophy!
      You really should be working in counselling G. You have so much to offer!
      Glad your mam is ok for now and hope things go well for your dad tomorrow!
      I often meant to ask you if your "ex"-(I hate the term!) ever thought of posing to Fand F! Now I know!
      I wonder would your daughter benefit by coming here too?
      Today is a Bank Holiday in Ireland. An ideal day for a CG with a few bob on hold, free time ( hubby working in the garden-just made a fabulous bbq) and a NEED to win all my money back….
      ….but what about my pact with Sherry…
      and with MYSELF..
      and with GOD!
      As if God holds us to PACTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      Instead, I’m compulsively polishing off a box of chocs that I started at 2 a m…….
      on top of BBQ food…
      Needing a feed or feeding a need!!??
      Is this what we call recovery?

    • #14968

      By Jove vera, knowing how much you like chocolates that must be a rather large box!!! Just as well God dosnt hold us to pacts becuase in desperate ***** even the relationship with him gets abused, he holds off with the brimstone and fire to allow us the chance to finally make the right moves. Dont know how tolerent sherry would be though if you broke your pact with her, just aswell you’re not going to.
      Vera I promise you things are pointing in the right direction for me to get back to college in september I’m not mentioning too much about it on here, just incase it isn’t viable, what with my new job and the chance that I may have moved back up here by then.However I will be accepted back and my level 1, will not need to be taken again. This time I’d have to pay, I think its £380 so well within my budget providing I dont have more time off, and I keep it real! With regards my recovery. Just lately I’ve been thinking a lot about continuing down the helping/counselling road. I am very fulfilled with the helping role I fill at work most days.
      Your awareness is shinning through vera, I was quite taken aback listening to what you were telling us about that woman. I googled dr quirkeys last week btw, wasnt sure if it was a real place or not, sounded like somebody from a walt disney film. Needless to say k9 wouldnt let me onto the site just aswell really, where was my awareness at that precise moment.
      Bank holidays used to be a killer, (just like any other time then!), in my gambling days. Well done V, sure its a hospital you work at, not a school, you seem to get plenty time off.
      My ex was a F+F member for a long while, stupidly I read her posts once and then told her, I think she felt as if she couldnt post as freely after that. I then ballsed it up for her a second time, when I innocently came across a post in a differnt name, so obviously her. I had to say something at the time, I didnt think it was right she was masquerading as some one else and I was aware of it. I’d love my daughter to use this site, perhaps she does I’ve hinted at it. However I wouldnt be happy if she came straight on here and read my posts, not that I am ashamed although very embarrassed about somethings Ive mentioned over the years. I would have no problems if she got some support before she read but think it would be a shock to her to see ive been inside 5 *****, that I smoked weed, got involved with ***** dealers ect, I dont hide things from her and would tell if asked but dont want it in her face. When I gave her my laptop the last time I was here I left links to gamanon and gamcare f+f in the favourites folder. Shes never mentioned it since, I will ask her when I see her if she has looked.
      My Mams cooking smells nice, proper food cant whack it!
      Enjoy the holiday vera whats left of it, hope your not lumbered with all the cleaning up after the bbq.I dont gamble. Because recovery is priceless.

    • #14969

      Hi Geordie — You are doing a stupendous job! You are right where you need to be at this time!  WTG.  Pumkin113b

    • #14970

      HI Geordie, I hope everything goes well for your Dad.  Take care!!!Seize all the good things in life

    • #14971

      Well, am so pleased that 2011 has ended on a better note than it started. I am closing this thread now, theres too much sadness and sorrow in it.
      Thanks to everyone who has supported me through out this last year.
      Happy New Year.
      Geordie.I did gamble. But I didnt yesterday and I wont today. Because recovery IS priceless!!

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