Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Newbie here but been round the ringer with my bfs gambling

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  • #6498
    JLF46
    Participant

    Hi Everyone, 

    I’m new here but not new to the heart break and stresses of gambling addiction. I’ve been going around in circles for almost 3 years now. Each time I tell myself that it’s the last time and I won’t put up with the lies and bs anymore. Yet each time I come back for more.

    Little background 2.5 years ago I found out my bf had a large gambling problem. I started to notice him spending long days working, leaving me at home with his child. Money was an issue even though he made a very good living working for himself. I couldn’t figure out why he never had any money. Why I paid the bills, and pretty much everything else. I finally found out one weekend when I was expecting him to cover the house hold bills. He couldn’t. Finally came clean he had gambled 10’s of thousands that week. I had a complete meltdown and he swore up and down it would not happen again.

    Skip ahead 6 months and it happened again. Again I was waiting for money to come from him and his story changed constantly. I finally looked into my company emails and found that the payment we were expecting had been paid and when I lost it and confronted him he still lied and continued to until I said let’s look at the bank statement. Even with the proof in front of me in black and white he kept lying until I pointed out the proof. It was more of the same. I won’t do it again. He’s borrowed money from everyone..friends, family and companies.

    Well he finally gave me access begrudgingly to his bank one bank account thinking that this would help I was happy. Well he refuses to give me access to his other account. I know he’s gambling out of it. He has a pile of friends that are all gamblers so they all cover for each other. 

    Well tonight I was told he was gambling this weekend. So I very calmly asked he show me his other account. Well he hit the roof, turned it around on me. Said I made him mad very mad. That he’s working everyday, trying to better things. I pointed out that his having to work every day is not my doing. I said in refusing to even show me I had my answer. In which he became more defensive and angry. I know hes gambling. I just want him to be honest with me. I want so desperately to help him but I’m wearing thin. I love him. I really really do. I just can’t take the lies any longer. 

    How do I get him to just be honest with me? I can’t tell him who’s told me he was gambling without betraying their trust and if confronted they will lie. I just want a normal life with him. 

    #6499
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

    Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

    Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

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    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

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    #6500
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi JLF
    To find out how to make a compulsive gambler be honest, I think, it is good to understand why they are not.
    A compulsive gambler will probably have used lies to cover early losses and the feelings of failure that accompany the addiction. Having successfully deflected the attention of those around them, from their gambling, the lies become normal. As time passes and the losses accrue (which they will because that is the nature of the addiction) the lies can get even more fanciful – they become a way of dealing with life, often with situations that are not gambling related. A memory peppered with lies is confusing and the gambler can begin to believe his lies are his truth.
    I suspect that your boyfriend did not want you to look at his other account because it showed up what he believes is his failure and it might stop any form of enablement from you including your loving him – he needs you to believe his lies.
    Has there been a time that he has acknowledged his problem or sought any support? There is a lot of support for compulsive gamblers but of course they must recognise they have a problem in the first place.
    I cannot tell you what to do but I believe that on a good day it might help you to gently tell him that you have sought help for you and that you know there is help for him.
    Maybe you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20-Questions from their web site and ask him to look at them. Many compulsive gamblers feel they are alone with their problem and that there is nobody who can understand.
    You write that he has gambler friends but they might be managing their gambling and walking away when they are losing. Your boyfriend will not understand why he cannot. A non-compulsive gambler will probably cover for his friends because he doesn’t realise the seriousness of the addiction.
    You write that he has borrowed from family and friends, I am not sure that compulsive gamblers borrow – they take available money from those who do not understand in the hope they will win – when they do not win they chase those loses until all is gone and the lender is often left without reimbursement.
    I think it is important to know that a compulsive gambler does not gamble for financial gain, it is the gamble itself that excites. It is difficult for friends and family to understand because they see money as a commodity to buy things and to live better, not to squander for no reward.
    I am bringing up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ which hopefully will give you some insight into the roller-coaster that is your boyfriend’s addiction.
    Giving active compulsive gambler money is the same as giving an alcoholic a drink, maybe his friends and family would do well to know that. It is enablement when a gambler’s debts are cleared by another.
    I am going to leave this reply here now and await a reply from you. Please ask me whatever you want to know and I will do my best to answer you.
    Velvet

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