6 June 2016 at 4:31 pm #4726RockstarParticipant
Hi there I’m new to this site I’ve come here because I have nowhere else to turn and feel isolated.
I’ve been witb My partner of 20 years we have 3 children together. He’s always liked to gamble have a little flutter on bandits but for last 10 years since becoming hooked on online gambling it’s getting out of control and worse as time goes on.
We have a lot of pressure at home 2 of our children have medical conditions, my partner has a long history of depression, I’ve had a breakdown myself and can feel this coming back as I can’t cope much more the strain of being the one doing everything
I don’t get any support from my partner he lies constantly about his gambling I found out days ago that he’s taken out a loan to pay off my gambling debts and maxed out his card within a day of paying it off. He spends all his spare time gambling while I cook clean look after our children financially he contributes some of the shopping everything else is down to me I buy bulk of the shopping pay bill.
His mood swings are unbearable I can’t even look at him without him snapping at me or the children.
In the past he’s always blamed his gambling on someone else I don’t give him sex, I nag too much, the house is untidy, his life is s*** he’s depressed.
He attended GA years ago when our relationship broke down and I left him but soon as we tried again he went back to his old ways. I often feel this is all my fault. I’ve had enough I’m sinking I don’t want to be here anymore because I can’t take anymore blame lies and deceit but I’m petrified of the repucussions it’s has, he’s depressed and grieving he’s lost 3 family members to suicide two of which are recent I feel selfish saying this but staying here is not helping me mentally either.6 June 2016 at 6:11 pm #4727velvetModerator
Hello Rock Star
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, youll find the times for these if you click on the Group times box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself youll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and theyll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If youre the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isnt connected with GMA, please dont identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
Youll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which youll follow, some you wont…but thats ok because only you fully understand your
situation and whats best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you dont because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our6 June 2016 at 6:27 pm #4728daddaParticipant
Hi, I’m not going to say too much but I will say that I have been in a similar place, only I didn’t know there was a gambling problem. A long time ago, he went with me to a therapy appointment. When I later told him the doctor thought he seemed a little depressed, that enraged him. There was NOTHING wrong with him!
I know other people here can explain some of this pretty well, but I can say that with all the regular responsibilities you have to take care of, plus all the “abnormal” ones created by addiction, you are probably pretty tired and frazzled, at least some of the time! Burned out, in other words. Instead of having a partner to share the load, you end up doing more and also having to not only try to meet your own emotional needs and also, the additional emotional baggage created because of the addiction.
First off, though, it’s NOT your fault! You didn’t create the addiction nor can anything you do “fix” it or make it go away. I was in therapy (and misdiagnosed) for several years before things got better (I regained my self-confidence and ability to be assertive). Had I known about the gambling problems, it probably would have been faster.
I was divorced from him and ended up back there because of our children, still not knowing about the gambling, but I DID then have skills and coping mechanisms (healthier) that the next five years were not draining on me, plus the things that he was doing (that were abusive or demeaning towards our children) I was able to deflect or defuse.
No matter WHAT decision(s) you make, there are likely to be repercussions of some type. You may never know if you made the “right” or “best” decision(s) but I think the thing that will help you most is being at peace with the decisions, and that is most likely if you can recover your emotional health and peace of mind, plus get as much information as possible before you make your decisions.
Again, the addiction and its consequences are NOT your fault; in fact, you are very likely a “hero” if things could be realistically seen – all the things that you have dealt with and so on, and you are still functioning … plus you are recognizing your own needs and limits.
I’m not sure what resources are available to you, but an environment where you can get some of the emotional health restored and things that have crept into your mind as a result of the addiction sorted out and put in their proper place would likely be of great benefit. Recognition of some of the emotional ploys CG uses (and knowing truth – about those ploys and about yourself) are also likely to be of help to get your emotional equilibrium back and maintain it.
I’m hoping and wishing you the very best for the future, because I have been in a similar place and I do KNOW things can be better!7 June 2016 at 9:04 pm #4729velvetModerator
There is nothing selfish in wanting to live without severe stress and worry.
I have brought my ‘F&F Cycle’ thread up for you – hopefully you will see that everything you are saying is recognised and understood. You are not responsible for your partner gambling, it is his choice to do so, not yours – you are not to blame in any way,
You are in a place here where you are understood Rocky but it would help if you could tell me a little more so that I can support you in the way that is right for you.
If we were sitting together I would be asking you ‘what is it that you really want to do?’ What are the repercussions that you are scared about? Are you worried that 2 suicides in the family might give him the idea to follow suit?
Do you have a supportive family and good friends?
I was hoping to ‘see’ you in the F&F group tonight; it would be good to ‘meet’ in real time.
I hope you will stick with us and gain knowledge about the addiction that will give you power over it and help you cope. I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so.
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