Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family newly separated from my husband who is a CG

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  • #2759
    tootall
    Participant

    husband and I have separated today. a really sad day for both of us. he is a cg and has been most of his life. it’s really out of control now. The mood swings are unbearable and and just needed it to stop. I need peace in my life. we have been married for 13 years and I’m having a really hard time with this. my thought is that maybe if he sees I mean business and have had enough that he’ll get help. . I haven’t given up n him and want to help him any way I can. not sure what to do next. he has an appt Thursday to see a counselor. I am waiting for a counselor to call me back to set a date for me— I need to talk to someone so I can get my head straight. we are very much in love and I do want to help him. I want to be a good support person for him. With that said, I’m not sure if we should see eachother once a week at this point or should we wait a while. we both need counseling and we also need to go to marriage counciling. another thing is I’m thinking maybe my husband needs to see a psychiatrist — to evaluate him for possibility of needing a mood stabilizer. guess whoever reads this will see my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. I’m sorry. I’m trying really hard to be strong . I am standing my ground with my husband ecause I love him with all my heart. I have to do this for him and our marriage. I want to give him every opportunity to fix himself . don’t know if it will work but I’m not giving up. just don’t kno what to do or where to go. we both need help– we are both very saddened. I need advice if anyone can help.

    #2760
    nomore 56
    Participant

    Hi Tootall, you will find a lot of support on this site and the most important thing to do right now is to take care of YOU. You can’t change your hb, you can’t make him stop gambling, the decision is his and his alone. In my personal opinion you already took a very important step by distancing yourself from the addiction physically. You moved out and hopefully this will give you some peace of mind even though it is all very fresh and hurtful right now. Please keep in mind that the addiction ***** to be confronted with consequences, meaning stick to your guns. Don’t give in. There might be promises that your hb will stop gambling, seek help and so on. Unless he does what he says he will do, it is all white noise. Over the 26 yrs I dealt with my cg’s addiction I have heard plenty of promises and good intentions. Believe it when you see it, that is my personal take on it. Seeking counseling for yourself is a great decision! The more support you get for yourself the better. Only you can decide if and when you meet with your hb and under what circumstances. If you feel like seeing him, it might help, if you don’t so be it. As far as the **** swings are concerned, they are very common for cgs. Imagine the emotional turmoil they go through each and every day. The addiction takes them on a roller coaster and rules their life. My hb was wrongly diagnosed as being bipolar and put on meds. The addiction ***** to be treated first and foremost because it can mimics **** disorders very nicely. If there is really a mental health issue, it will come out in treatment sooner or later. I wish you luck!

    #2761
    tootall
    Participant

    not sure if I am replying right. not good with computers. just wanted o say thanks . soo glad you replied to my post. my emotions have been all over he place most of the day. I miss my hb soo much. He moved out– not me. this is my home . it was mine prior to us getting married.
    Tonight is the first night he is not sleeping at home. he has called/text me several *****. I am answering him because I dont want him to think I’m abandoning him. I did tell him that I found a psychiatrist and will call tomorrow to make him an appointment . he is agreeing to go. He also an appointment Thursday with a counselor ( through the parish ) . We will see what happens. IM not familiar with counselors and
    psychiatrist o I really hope they can help him.
    This is really heartbreaking, but I will stick to my guns because he truly seems to be responding. For the first time in 13 years I feel like I got his attention. The counselor has not returned my call to set up an appointment for myself. I will work on that tomorrow for sure. it’s back to work for me tomorrow — that will keep me busy
    Again thanks for responding.

    #2762
    janey1
    Participant

    Hello Tootall
    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care
    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #2763
    tootall
    Participant

    thanks janey1. I did read the privacy policy and terms and agreements of this site. will adhere to the fullest.

    #2764
    nomore 56
    Participant

    Hi Tootall, you did just fine with the post. Computers are not my specialty either but they are helpful :). It must be hard to be alone in the house after 13 years for the first time especially since you are the one “left behind” in your familiar surroundings. Did he want to move out or was it your decision? Does your hb admit that he is a cg? While I think that it is a first step for him to see a counselor and that we do whatever it takes to get the recovery ball rolling, it is HIS responsibility to get the work done. It is tricky to find the right person when it comes to psychiatrists and counselors and very important that he/she is qualified to treat cgs. They are very good manipulators and pathological liars and can fool even a mental health professional very easily. If you happen to live in the US, every state has a council on problem gambling where cgs and F&Fs can find a lot of information and resources. The councils usually also have a list of trained counselors in your area. It is worth a try, at least it helped me a great deal because it is so overwhelming when you first start this painful journey and one has no idea where to start. Did you take steps to protect yourself financially? Even if you own your home, the bills need to be paid. Do you have any kind of support from family or friends? Maybe it would be a good idea to look for a GamAnon group for yourself. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to adjust to all of this. Like standing on a beach and watching a huge wave rolling in that is about to swallow you completely. But it can and will get better. Personally I also found it helpful to collect as much information on cg and the impact on loved ones as I could to understand the dynamics of the addiction. One day at a time…

    #2765
    tootall
    Participant

    hi nomore56!!!!
    Yes my hb admits he is a cg. I asked him to leave. He left without a fight . Doesnt want to hurt me. Yes I do have financial support and will be ok. But, a few of my close relatives do not agree with how I am handling the situation with my husband. They are quick to give their opinions /input– which is anything but positive. but I don’t care what they think because I have to do what Is best for me and my family. So for now I am sticking to my guns and not giving up .
    thanks for your response.

    #2766
    ell
    Participant

    Hello my sweet tootall. It is so nice to meet you .
    Thank you very much for your so kind words on my thread. Tootall, you already know that this site will help you a lot .
    I know that you feel it that in here you will find help , hug and power.
    The knowledge in here is precious you will see one day at a time the progress on your self .
    Im here 12 months now and i m reading the site almost every day . It is my help .Everyday i learn something different that i didnt know.
    Please stay connect to this site and you will find your power because the power and the peace that you need excists beleive me.
    Write down in here all your thoughts every day all your feelings and all your questions …take it out of your chest .
    No one in here wanted to have partners with the addiction but it happens sometimes to someones .
    You are here and all of us understands you and feel you with no judging. The priority is YOU .
    I know that now it is very very difficult time for you . We all in here can feel it . Dont let down your guns . Maybe you can not feel it but your posts are very strong , you are a strong woman and it is an honor for me to know you.
    Give time to your self to undrestand the addiction and find the solutions . Please dont cry about things that you didnt did in the past , just focus on today .
    You desrve to have a life with peace . Your hb left , i know how difficult is this and i know what the feelings is when he is not at home or on the same bed. The ups and down are so many .
    Maybe you met velvet , if you havent you will , she will find you here after her vacantion . One advise that gave me is to look my self to do things for me and i did it tootall , when i did it my hb get a little bit “crazy” because he was my world and when i start just do things for me and my daughter and not for him ( he was texting me and i didnt answer, he called me and i didnt answer , i ate at the evenings and i didnt ask him anything, i was playing with my daugher and i just with a polite behaviour ignorig him ) his attitude changed. He had a clik .He beleived that i had left from the relationship . But in my heart not even for a day not even for a minute i abandoned him . I just never told him or texted him that.
    i m not saying to you to do the same , Every case is different My cg wanted to take out the addiction of his life and he is comipment to this . And im trying to stand up for my self .
    Tootall try to focus on you , You deserve all the hapiness my dear .
    Now, we all in here we have the most difficult times in our lives ..
    But we will survive , beleive it , The addiction is not stronger than you . YOU ARE STRONGER !!!!
    with all my love ell

    #2767
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Tootal

    I know how tough it is to become estranged from a loved one because of the addiction to gamble but it is often the only way to get the space and time to think clearly without the addiction swirling around inside your head. Know that ‘you’ are very important.

    Unless people have lived with the addiction to gamble, their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive so personally I think it is best to tell others as a statement rather than asking for or allowing opinions. You can gather information here so that you can make your own informed decisions with that knowledge but it is better to get good support than to be alone. Even after years of understanding I still get the blank look when I try and pass on information about this addiction – some people will never begin to make the effort to understand and would certainly argue – why should they?

    Is the counsellor your husband is going to see aware of the addiction to gamble?

    I think it is fine to answer your husband’s texts as long as they are kind and good texts, free of manipulation.

    To be the best support Tootal, look after yourself first. Your husband will struggle with responsibility for you, as he is unable to take responsibility for himself at the moment. Your husband will be suffering from low self-esteem and lack of confidence because the addiction he owns only brings him failure. If you look after you, when he can face his demons and changes his life, you will not be part of the wreckage of his addiction. CGs do not hurt their loved ones deliberately, they are driven by triggers that are destructive.

    I am not surprised your feelings are all over the place and I understand only too well that you do love your husband. I admire the stance you have taken but it would be wrong of me to suggest that just by separating from him, will bring his mind to reason. He has a lot of work to do and you, for your part, need to be strong. Do things for yourself at this time that maybe the addiction has stopped you doing, rekindle old hobbies and interests, see friends (to talk about anything but addiction), go out for a meal, explore nature and make sure that whatever you do gives you pleasure. It might not seem a lot but I know it is hard to break your mind away from an addiction that has consumed ‘your’ mind for 24 hours a day for years. Time away from the addiction controlling your thoughts is time well spent and will help you and ultimately your husband.

    You have said you want to give your husband the opportunity to fix himself but equally you need an opportunity to find you again because your self-esteem and confidence will probably also be low as a result of your husband’s addiction.

    I look forward to getting an update. You are among those who understand Tootal and who will never judge. I wouldn’t be writing here if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result.

    Well done on the way you are handling your situation

    Velvet

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