[sandied1]

Hi I am based in the UK and my Sister and Son (32) areliving in Norway. My Sister has gone through painful cancer treatment over the last 6 months and I have been visiting her 5 times – Her son has moved in with her over a year ago as his partner chucked him out of her home they were sharing. During this time he has been severely depressed. on my last visit he would not come out of his room and when idid see him he would not stop crying. I finally managed to get him to open up and he confessed he was depressed and had been gambling – to cheer himself up, but had accumalated a large Gambling Tax Debt of £20k. He said this was the only country to charge tax on winnings. I was shocked and asked him not to tell his mother until she had finnsihed her brutal treatment and had her final diagnosis and for him to seek help. He will not speak to me or answer texts or calls now as he feels I have been judgmental and all the family have put him on a guilt trip. (no one else knows of this problem) My sisters tumour has gone thank god! but she is still in terrible pain and is very weak – so Im terrified for her. I just do not know what to do next? My sister is aware of his depression and is very concerned for him, he has seen a physicatrist twice and has another appointment soon. But he has now left his job. Any Advice would be greatly welcome Iam hoping to visit my Sister again in Seotember it is so difficult being so far away. There is emotional history here for all of them My sister and husband divorced some 20 years ago, The father would not speak to the daughter since she was 13 now 34 and spoilt the boy. He will not and never has communicated with my sister. Even after thewir home burnt down in a tragic fire. (another story) I know My nephew does feel guilty about his father not communicating with his sister, but he has now fallen out with her as well. He says all his friends have left him and he is so alone. I do hope this makes sense – it is a long story but im looking for any advice especially relating to support for my sister thank you very much

[velvet]

Hi Sanied

If your nephew is a compulsive gambler, then that will undoubtedly have caused his depression and it is the gambling that needs to be addressed. If this is correct then, in my opinion, he would probably get better support from a dedicated gambling addiction counsellor or therapist.

Your post does make sense but it has thrown up a lot of different problems and I would like time to give you a full answer. I will, therefore, post again tomorrow and hopefully communicate with you in real time tomorrow evening in an F&F group between 7 – 8 pm.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Sandied

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Groups Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by velvet.

[velvet]

Hi Sanied

If your nephew is a compulsive gambler, then that will undoubtedly have caused his depression and it is the gambling that needs to be addressed. If this is correct then, in my opinion, he would probably get better support from a dedicated gambling addiction counsellor or therapist.

Your post does make sense but it has thrown up a lot of different problems and I would like time to give you a full answer. I will, therefore, post again tomorrow and hopefully communicate with you in real time tomorrow evening in an F&F group between 7 – 8 pm.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Sandied

Your sister undoubtedly deserves support but if your nephew does have a gambling addiction then he will also need a great deal of the right support.

In my opinion, most mothers know when their sons have a problem; they may not know what the problem is but they know that something is amiss. Not knowing, can cause a great deal of unnecessary stress leading to health problems and i speak from experience.

A gambling addiction is an unwanted, unasked for, self-destructive behaviour that needs treatment. It can start with a boy innocently placing bets, for fun, and although most people can gamble responsibly, a person with the addiction to gamble cannot. If your nephew has this problem then he needs all the support he can get and that, in my opinion, includes his mother.

I am the mother of a compulsive gambler. When I eventually knew the truth about what was hurting my son I was able to stop doing ‘all the wrong things for all the right reasons’ thus supporting him when he had the courage and determination to change his life 16 years ago. It is not your nephew’s fault if he has this addiction and it is not your sister’s fault.

Knowledge gives us power. The addiction to gamble likes secrecy because it hides the gambler’s shame and guilt and leaves it free to carry on. I would imagine that your nephew would give anything to be like other people.

Once a mother knows the truth, she can learn to stop blaming herself for the poor behaviour, in her child. I would happily support your sister on this site. Over the years countless friends and families have left this forum and groups better for having been here; they have gained knowledge and learned to accept that their loved one did nor choose to gamble, did not deliberately set out to hurt them.

There is a lot of history outlined in your post that is common in many young men who turned to gambling as an escape from reality. Sadly, it is possible that your nephew cannot walk away from a gamble until everything is lost; this is the nature of the addiction. He can however, learn to control his addiction and live a wonderful life, possibly better for owning it.

I will leave this reply here as the F&F group starts now and I am hoping that you will drop in.

Velvet

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