- This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 6 months ago by I_Maverick.
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23 April 2015 at 9:48 am #30024Liam_1981Participant
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23 April 2015 at 10:15 am #30025Liam_1981Participant
I have just been accepted to the GMA rehab programme and i wanted to share a little bit of why i have got to this place and hopefully figure out what the future holds for me.
I have gambled from the age of around 14 going from fruit machines to casinos and over the last years i have been addicted to FOBT machines which have seen my downfall.
There has been many twists and turns throughout this period, failed businesses, relationships and many other factors, but just for now i am going to focus on what has happened this last 8 weeks as this is why i have taken this step to not gamble and to change my life.
In March 2015 i had a gambling binge, i spent money that was not mine, i took from other people and lost it all in various forms which has led to chaos in my life and mind.
At the start of April, when i am being chased for money, i am being attacked verbally and losing long term friendships i took a bag of clothes and walked out of my home with nothing. I felt nothing but despair, this was the end of the road, i was fearful of my sanity and i just wanted everything to stop, i threw my mobile phone away to cut myself off from further calls and being chased and i set off on the train to no where.
I spent my first night on the streets in a town in the East of England a good 200 miles from my home, i was scared and confused and i could not work out my next step, all these years of lying to people, running away from problems have come to a head of me sat on the floor frezzing in tears outside a train station, this is all through gambling and i had no one to turn to. Early in the morning i boarded a train to keep warm and continued my journey to who knows where.
I got off the train and at the other end of the journey, i sat again outside the station and a lady come over and asked if i was ok, she was very kind and asked me if i had any money, i said i did not and she gave me a bank note. Within that second, i was looking for a bookies, i was up and buzzing, i no longer thought about the fact i was cold i looked a mess, i just wanted to push that note into a machine as quick as i could. I am at the stage now i do not care if iu win or lose, i just want to push as much cash as i can in any machine, i never cash out, i never play to win, i don’t think, i am a compulsive gambler and i i dont care how it happens.
I met the kindest of strangers for the next week or so quite often, i was given food a sleeping bag and money, i was almost taken this for granted, getting given money by people everyday as i am useless, it felt like i was doing something right, which is so far off the mark. Every time i was given help, i gambled, as i mentioned i never won, i did not care, i was out of control in every aspect of my useless life. There have been many twists with this but it came to ahead one morning when i was rough sleeping on the station platform and i could not take anymore of everything.
I got on the train back to my folks house and on the way i stopped off a library and i went online and found the NHS gambling clinic, i sent my ref. off to them that minute and on the email back they sent the details for the GMA, which was a great relief and i feel blessed to have this support.
I am 5 days gamble free, i have surrendered my bank cards and i have a smal support network in place at home to prevent further crisis.
I said yesterday i am tired, i want some peace and i want to get on with my life. I am in my 30’s and if i can make changes then now is the time and with hard work i can enjoy the rest of my life gamble free.
Thank you for reading.
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23 April 2015 at 10:20 am #30026velvetModerator
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Hello Liam and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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23 April 2015 at 10:29 am #30027velvetModerator
Hi Liam
The above is our official welcome but I wanted to give you a personal welcome too.
Your 30s seems an excellent time to grab your addiction by its throat and shake the energy from it – and you have, in my opinion, made the best move towards achieving your goal.
I wish you well on the GMA programme, thanks to the fantastic work they do my CG turned his life around so I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled.
The peace you want takes a little time to achieve but you are so right that with hard work it is do-able and a gamble-free life is there for you to enjoy to the full.
I will follow your progress, so please keep posting – well done.
Velvet -
23 April 2015 at 10:48 am #30028Liam_1981Participant
Thank you for the kind words of support.
Feeling a lot better this week i really welcome feeling safe for one, i have however given myself no means or ways to gamble. For this bit until i go to GM i think i am going to continue no access to money, and be drip fed for day to day items. Yes, it takes away your freedom in some ways but what freedom is it gambling. Thanks again
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23 April 2015 at 11:51 am #30029DuncKeymaster
Fab post Liam, and a welcome from me … Velvet beat me to it.
Liam, you’ve hit the nail on the head.. although I see it slightly differently
You said ” i think i am going to continue no access to money, and be drip fed for day to day items. Yes, it takes away your freedom” is is taking away your freedom or actually giving you back your freedom ?
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23 April 2015 at 12:10 pm #30030Liam_1981Participant
Afternoon Harry
Thank you for the kind words.
I totally see where you are coming from, at this stage it is getting used to say to a third party or who is holding my finances can you get me for example some tobacco or a newspaper or lunch money.
It is a very small detail, it is just making these changes and getting used to seeing them through for once instead of going gung ho, taking my bank card and in 5 mins time losing what i had in a machine. I also feel like it is a pressure for my family who have to do this for me.
Maybe in writing that i am making small changes. Everything is so up in the air right now, one step at a time i guess.
Back to work…
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23 April 2015 at 1:05 pm #30031I_MaverickParticipant
Welcome Liam. I too am starting at GMA soon. My gambling has reduced my life to nothing. At the moment I am in my office packing away everything to be put into storage. I have lose my wife, my son, my dignity, my self-respect, my business etc etc. I could go on. Last week I tried to kill myself because of the mess that my life is in. I have been going to GA 5 times or more a week and I post here almost daily.
I am now 21 days free from gambling and I am starting to feel better. I keep having regretful thoughts but they are getting easier to manage. I KNOW I could have a great future if I can stop gambling. Gambling has stopped me progressing in so many ways, from work to emotions and everything outside and inbetween that. I am sick of being obsessed by playing a stupid game.
Well done in coming here and getting on the GMA. I wonder if we will meet, I start on May 11th and I cannot wait. I know it will be hard, but I have so much work to do on myself. I have been gambling compsulively for 3 years and I have lost everything. I could not stop until I did lose everything, and I saw it happening and I could not stop as if I was in a trance of which I am now waking up.
This site has been invaluable for me charting my progress.
Can you find a GA near you and start attending, it will help you I promise.
Keep posting with your daily successes and remember the cliche – one day at a time.
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