[Tiki456]

Every day for years and years and years, I have started day one. I managed to drive to casinos where I have self banned myself and snuck in. Now I have a mini casino on every corner they are video slots. Did I ever think I could become addicted to them, well the last 18 months have been hell. I go 3 to 5 times a week. I thought I could qualify as a professional gambler. But that is not the case. The money lost is astronomical. No one in their right mind would do what I have done. But I know I am not alone. I see people sitting beside me feeding the cash cow like myself. I have to get a grip on my life, on my goals on my well being. I have lived and breathed gambling for almost 30 years. Can I change at this time in my life? Will I be homeless soon? No family a decent apartment and mounds of bills. An old junky vehicle … Oh God, I deserve so much more. But it’s not going to happen playing the slots. I’ve proved that to myself. I want to stop. I have seen doctors, attended GA, and now I have to stop these impulses this compulsive behavior. It’s so out of control. I’m here to vent, I’m here for encouragement and I’m here to help my sanity. One day at a time…. One day…..

[Anonymous]

Hi Tiki, yes you can stop gambling. You will find so much support on here, both on these forums and especially in the chat groups. It is never to late to start the rest of your life. I would advise that every one u get an urge to gamble , and at the beginning that was all the one for me, write in the forum, go into the help line or if a group is open chat there. Become addicted to this site for a while. It’s is 24hour. Become completely absorbed in recovery . You will succeed!

[kpat]

Hi Tiki,
Welcome to GT. Thank you for the kind words on my journal. This is probaly one of the hardest things I have ever done. I will add you to my prayers and encourage you to gather together all the help and support you can find.
In the first few weeks, I was so sad and tearful. Don’t give in! You do deserve better. I am on an emotional roller coaster since I stopped, but at least I am able to hold my head up. I am having a good day today. Today I will not gamble. I will not give in today. Let’s have those good things we have denied ourselves. Just keep it real simple. Worry about today only. Sufficient unto today is the evil thereof. Tomorrow is a day away and I will worry about that later. Breathe girl!

[Dunc]

<

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[vera]

I love your two poems, Tiki!
A cry from the heart!
At times when I could not verbalize my pain/shock/grief/sadness, I posted a poem here.
I have now decided to publish those poems (only about ten) in a small booklet and share them with select family/friends to help them to understand this awful “addiction”, which I will NEVER understand myself!!!
Maybe you could try that . Just an idea. Writing poems is cathartic . It also makes us accountable when we decide to publish and share our inner thoughts and feelings.
I hope and pray we will turn our backs on this madness forever Tiki.
It has taken me to hell and back.

[Tiki456]

The people here are kind and amazing. I wish I could feel better. It won’t happen overnight. But I will stay positive. I will get a good nights sleep. Thank you for replying it means so much.

[Tiki456]

Gambling Therapy… Thank you for accepting me the way I am.

[Tiki456]

Awww thank you. I could write about all my feelings and what this disease has done. Just knowing one person gets what I’m saying means everything. Your amazing to know.

[Tiki456]

Today I cried. I know a lot of people don’t understand and they don’t get it. Today I’m grateful that I drove straight home. It’s an accomplishment. I will never forget about where I am and where I could be. But maybe learn to accept this better in time. Thank you for acknowledging me and lifting my spirit.

[Anonymous]

Hi tiki, I think everyone in here gets what you are saying. We have all been there. The first days are so difficult when you wonder if you will ever see your was above water again; when the stress of juggling money and trying to survive is overwhelming; when the regret and the guilt fill us with self hatred. Things do improve amazingly quickly once we stop gambling. Things soon fall back into place and we find ourselves looking forward to simple pleasures once again.

I enjoyed reading your poetry. I think Vera ‘s idea is brilliant. How therapeutic would it be do have your own works published? What a great new focus in life!

Keep posting Tiki and keep strong in your battle against this addiction!!

[JohnNobody]

HI Tikki have read your comments on my journal. I wondered why I had not seen your name before and then saw your thread and can see your new here. Wanted to say hello and thanks! for what you wrote. You are in the right place. When we feel like we are loosing our grip this forum and its people can be a life saver in the very real sense of the word. Keep posting. John

[vera]

Just checking in on you Tikki to see how you are faring out with that last loan you got?
Give us an update when you can!

[Tiki456]

I haven’t had more then 3 days clean. I can’t take it anymore … I keep going back and keep losing. If I’m ahead twenty dollars I can’t walk. I am destroying myself further. GA meetings do not help I keep gambling after the meetings.. Today I gambled and broke down and asked the mini-casino video game slot venue to not let me in … That is just one place. I don’t know what I’m doing. I am insane. I can not take it anymore and hopefully will just die soon. I don’t think after going on like this for 2 years and losing everything I will ever recoup. I’m sick to my stomach and tonight I broke down at the casino I begged them not to let me come in. I have to work with the Gaming Board an get myself banned from every video gaming place in Illinois. I reach out and don’t feel people take me for face value and look down on me. I want go get clean I want to move on and get interested in LIFE … Life is missing from me. What am I doing. I pray I don’t wake up. I can’t take it anymore … I am so alone and no one understands. My Holidays are so ruined. Just like for the last 25 years. I pray to God I just die. I really have nothing to live for and this is just insanity. What I did the last 18 months in beyond insanity. I need so much. I want a new life I don’t want this anymore. What kind of meds can help me just stop. It’s not will power anymore. It’s more then that. I am absolutely nuts. I say I am done over and over and now I just want to lay down in the fetal position and cry. I lost everything. I don’t think I could tell anyone anymore they would laugh at me and make fun of me. I don’t want go to work anymore … I really don’t want to be a part of this world. No one gives a crap. I can just keep praying but lost all my faith and hope. I am a total mess. I can’t stop for more then 2 days. I broke down and drove home with mounds of tears. There is so much I have done without. What is wrong with me. I need help serious help and GA is not working. Please pray for me. I need hope. I need serious counseling. I will sleep now and just cry. What else is there to do. My bills are falling apart. I’m a mess. A total mess with no feeling of any happiness. I wish someone would just take me away and commit me. That may be the best. My apartment is a mess. I have no desire to do anything right now. I hope I hit rock bottom. I hope I can turn my life into something positive. I just lost all my faith. Why would God allow me to continue to hurt myself. My car is a junk. I could of bought a new one. My clothes are old. My bedroom has old paint and I have no one. Not one person understands me. I really messed up this time. Please pray for me.

[icandothis]

Hi Tiki, God hears your prayers. It is 2:00 am. I am up and cannot sleep, and so, I am praying for you. I so feel your pain right now and can relate. I hope this is your rock bottom. That you find a way to start over again. It is hard to have faith at a time like this. I can hear that you don’t want to give up, but you so want to find a way to live differently.
Know that as you are crying tonight, you are not alone. I am thinking of you and praying for you.

[JohnNobody]

Hi Tiki456 I am sorry so sorry you are in this really bad place right now! This sounds like it is your own very personal rock bottom and it is not a good place to be. But you can take 1 step and then another no matter how impossible it can seem at this very moment.

I can identify with every word you have said even though I know in me writing that it will make no difference to how you are feeling right now. Make it your mission to self exclude and ban yourself from EVERY CASINO you can. That is a start. Try do at least 1 thing every day no matter how small to try to improve your situation. Things can and do change over time.

If you want to chat on skype on even a phone call I am here. I can give you my contact details. I can even call you as I have a very good almost free phone service. Reach out get help get support. We are all here for you!!!!

[vera]

Tiki,

Would you consider Residential Treatment?
It would be a complete break in the cycle and you seem to need a break right now.
Gambling does not go away!
We need to run fast to protect ourselves from it.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
There is ONE think you can do to help yourself Tiki!
DON’T CARRY MONEY!

[kpat]

I have read your post and am praying for you. As long as we have breath there is still hope. Don’t give up. You are worth the effort it takes. This is a sly, mean addiction. It takes planning to overcome the lies it tells us. Banning and not having money available are weapons we use to fight the lies. Willpower is useless to me. It failed me everytime. I had to ban to even find a place to start to find my life again.

[Tiki456]

I broke down at one Video Arcade and begged them not to let me in. They told me to order a beer and not pay for it. I lost so much money, and 2 days later I went again and lost a lot of money. I finally think I hit “rock bottom”. I cant stomach looking at all the money I lost and I know I think I finally realized I will never ever get this last eighteen months back. I’ll drive my old beat up car and do without and hate myself for a while until I can learn to forgive myself. I feel as someone has wished this on me. I have a sore throat and not going to GA until after the Holidays. What kind of person goes to GA and gambles after. I need to find a good therapist to see and will search one this coming year. For now the stress headaches and the fact that I dwell over all lost is not helping. The shame will bite me for a very long time. Today I thought there could possibly be no God to allow this to happen to me. I’ve already got one foot in the grave and hoping to keep the other one out. I’m hoping I just don’t have that attitude that 40.00 will win me 500.00 again because what I could of had in my life puzzles me. Savings gone totally. Keep me in your prayers please.

[Tiki456]

John,

Thank you. I reached out to the Gaming Board to get me banned from these video arcades in Illinois. I received a call from one woman whom we met and shared stories. Everyone has told me don’t carry money, don’t gamble. I have no one but one very selfish brother who has never given me one dime but always finds away to come over and take things out of my house. His wife has never treated me like a sister-n-law and his kids don’t even sent Birthday cards. I explained everything to him and he acted like I’m crazy and told me to go see a good doctor. MY GA meetings are full of people who brag they have been gamble free for ten and twenty years. We are not allowed to talk about money or how much we lost. I really don’ think they give a crap. The other woman I met who had some hardships met me because her company who is a non-profit gambling company whom she is paid by asked her to. When I called or texted her she never got back to me. I picked a sponsor who never called me back and had no clue why my addiction s so hard to beat. I appreciate all the support here and I will come here through this entire mess. I fester over all the money I lost and can’t stop. This year alone I could of gotten a brand new car cash …. I depleted my savings and have no retirement. Now I just want to make it day by day. I will keep paying the bills each month and maybe in some time I’ll see the light. I never in a million years would ever escape to playing stupid video games and putting in hundreds to only know you could win 400.00 dollars. Just escaping and in a trans. I bought the book Addiction By Design and will see if it can help me realize that these machines are made to make you become addicted.
Thanks for letting me share. Tiki.

[Tiki456]

My Holidays haven’ been the same in over ten years. Because I made them unbearable. Escaping has been my answer but not anymore. As far as God hearing my prayers. I don’t think he has quite yet. The crying jags continue non stop at any given time. I see no happiness today but will work on it this week. I have the worst headaches for one month now and honestly don’t feel safe other then laying in the fetal position doing nothing. I know I’m not alone. I know there are hundreds of people fighting addictions all over the world but when they take you by the horns, and leave you in such a state of mind. No one knows.

[Tiki456]

I would love to go into a Resident, but my insurance will not cover it. Also I have absolutely no disability insurance for anything … As far as the money I am going to leave my debit card at home, use my Chase card for purchases at Walmart, Gas and pay that monthly. I have one card that has only 2000 on it the others are basically gone and I just pay monthly because they are lower interest. Thank you for your suggestions.

[Author]

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