[diva1945]

I am amazed that my feelings are so labile.  One day so confident that I can go forward and the next the thoughts of gambling are so strong.  I am realizing how devious this addiction can be.  I don’t know when my thoughts are rational and appropriate or if I am reacting from addictive rationalizing.  Other areas of my life which are unsettled are still causing so much chaos in my heart.  This relationship I have had with a guy for the last 15 years has been on and off, and as I said in earlier post, he also gambles and has no desire to change.  He has been staying with me off and on, has been a little supportive, but also so angry at me because I caused myself to be so broke.  I am going through bankruptcy, getting ready to file with attorneys soon, and retiring in about 2 months, so my income will change and I will be looking for new place to live.  I am seeking solutions and looking for ways I can focus on the positive and be thankful for the support I do have from family and friends.  I had always hoped we would be friends and companions and be able to do things together in these years.  But without change, I don’t see how that will happen,  he sleeps all day and is up most of night, and about the only thing he will do with me is go gamble.  I have to come to terms with living by myself and am afraid lonliness will defeat me, but also afraid if I continue to live together with him, that the negativity and false promises of plans which haven’t happened in the last 10 years or so, and probably won’t, will also defeat me.  I can’t seem to get off the fence, and really commit to any direction, and this indecision is so conflicting and stressful.  I want to gamble today, I have made plans to meet my daughter this am and pick up a tape on positive thinking and how to get what you want in your life by putting those positive thoughts out there and getting rid of negative thoughts which bring the negative to you.  So, hopefully, this will keep me gf today.
I am so thankful for this site for being able to journal these thoughts and see other journals and repliesif you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right

[jazz55]

Diva, I just read your post about banning yourself.  Glad I did. 
I gamble(d) in Oklahoma. During My self-ban, they didn’t mention that I could be ******** for criminal trespass, if I were to try to sneak my way into the casino.  I Haven’t, of course, but the thought that someday, I might, was in the back of my mind.    What a loser, I can be.
Anyway, I appreciated your post to ‘my’ journal.  You just keep on doing what your doing and take the high road of life!

[bettie]

Diva! Congrats!
The relief is wonderful isn’t it?
bettie
 

[hoops1970]

Hi Diva – How are you doing?  I hope things are going well for you!
LisaNot Gambling…one day at a time

[finding_laura]

Hey Diva,
wanted to say well done on the banning.  A  big step and like you said a big commitment towards being gamble free and sanity.  Hope the meetings and other forms of support are going well.  Keep up the great work.  Hope you are well.
Laura

[diva1945]

Thanks Lisa and Laura and Bettie for responding.  I am so happy to have replies to the posts.  Your encouragement is so important to me.And your recovery gives me hope and I hope I can be of comfort and support also to others.
So far gf since the ban… about 8 or 9 days now, I have lost track.  Already feel stronger.  Am strengthening my support system with 12 step ladies I know  improving the network of friends in recovery.  I have strong support from my children and closest friends, but they do not understand what we go through and don’t know when to get me off the pity pot etc….Today is an anxious day as I am dealing with planning to retire and spoke with attorney re when to file and when I need to retire so I can file.  Checking in with Social Security as to when that process will be completed  everything is a waiting game and boy , am I bad with waiting.  Working today on positive thinking, that all things will happen as they are meant to, putting it in God’s hands and trying very hard to live in today.
hope all of you are well and gf as well. if you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right

[pumkin113b]

WTG Diva!!!! Thanks for your post. I think you’re right and banning is such a great move and relief! Helps with the recovery process so much. Best  to you Diva!  Pumkin

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