Gambling Therapy logo
Viewing 32 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #10915
      akapmat
      Participant

      Said it to myself many times before, "I am going to stop gambling," so hopefully using this site and forum will help me stay the course.
      Sick of the way gambling controls me physically, emotionally and socially. Slept well last night, not checking scores and not thinking about what games I would be picking today. I found this site last night before I went to bed, convinced myself I would give this a try. Just being able to communicate, through writing, is already a positive.
      This will be the last time, I say, "I am going to stop gambling." Thanks for reading and good luck to all beating this terrible addiction. Day one……….so far so good.

    • #10916
      neva
      Participant

      I’m very happy for you making it through the long weekend without gambling!  I’m also anti-social so I know how you feel.  I tried to make an excuse to avoid going to my in-laws for Easter but didn’t want to disappoint them so I went…and as usual had a wonderful time.  Don’t know why it’s so hard to get out and about…maybe all those years in front of a slot machine stunted our ability to look forward to being with people.  Maybe the time will eventually come where we enjoy being with family and friends and not want to waste time in a casino. That’s what we’re working for.

    • #10917
      akapmat
      Participant

      Missed my entry yesterday, due to be being crazy busy. Good news, no thoughts of putting a bet on. Today, pretty much the same. Clearly, it’s the weekends that are going to be the issue. Baseball season started and I didn’t place a bet on season totals, meaning I don’t have to follow a team he entire summer. Big, big decisions about work this week. Extra work, extra money, possibility of being out of debt by the summer. However, been here before, but this time I have a sense of purpose, it’s only 3 months and I can clear my cc debt for good and then close the accounts!
      Neva, laughed at your comment. I hope you are staying strong and finding ways to become more social. I figure dealing with one issue at a time is a good enough. I can work on being pleasant to other people when I clear my debt.
      Definitely feel good about writing this entry, it does help to see things in word and get it off my chest.
      Things can change quickly, remaining vigilant……Odaat.

    • #10918
      akapmat
      Participant

      Day 12…..done!
      I really don’t have too much to write, but I made a promise to myself when I started that I would take time to gather my thoughts and write them down. It’s good to check in and remind myself, that even though I am feeling better, I have just started, (odaat) Positive thoughts to all……

    • #10919
      vera
      Participant

      Well done on checking in on youself Aka!
      The day/night we stop doing that is the time we are liable to slide away to our secret life!
      You are forming a good habit!

    • #10920
      akapmat
      Participant

      Wonder if anyone has had this thought or is it just me……..
      I am a cg trying to stop, doing well, day 13 done! As a result of making a positive change, something negative just got thrown at me and I wonder if its because I stopped gambling? Would it have happened if I kept gambling? I know it’s stupid of me to think like this, reverse karma, does it exist? So, is it just me and my pessimistic, self-loathing gambling personality shining through?

    • #10921
      akapmat
      Participant

      Well it’s two weeks since I last had a wager. One of my barriers is still down due to the cc company and I have not been tempted to use it……pretty good. Hoping to pay about 10% of my debt off in the next 10 days, so will then request a lower limit on my cc. It’s an achievable goal and within touching distance, so fingers crossed that I stick to the plan.
      Weekend, my weakness, ahead, lots of things on my mind including betting. Feeling pretty down, but for other reasons not gambling related. When I feel like this, I usually escape to the world of gambling. Worst thing I can do is to start feeling sorry for myself, but hard not to.
      Odaat……next 48 hours, it will be more like a minute at a time.

    • #10922
      akapmat
      Participant

      Urges are incredibly strong to bet………3pm kick offs just around the corner. I have a game picked, can’t lose! I know how to get money into my account, so very tempting. Going to try the chat room. hopefully there is someone to talk to. The next 50 minutes are going to feel like forever.

    • #10923
      akapmat
      Participant

      Crisis averted, didn’t give into temptation (for now)………unfortunately, I will now be pre-occupied for the next two hours checking the score of the game I was going to pick.
      What a great way to start the weekend! I am cold, miserable and my head is spinning. Maybe, I need to find a job at the weekend to keep me busy because this is ridiculous what I am going through right now.

    • #10924
      akapmat
      Participant

      Well, day 15 is over, probably the worst day yet.
      Of course the team I picked, won! Not sure, what I am most annoyed about, the fact that I put myself in the position to wager, or I wasted a day thinking about gambling? I am surprised that I didn’t gamble, should feel good, but I don’t. Not sure what I feel, just mentally exhausted.
      Odaat…..

    • #10925
      neva
      Participant

      Congratulations on your clean time.  As someone who has many relapses over the year, the best thing you can do for yourself is to put barriers in place where you can’t access money for gambling.  That way you don’t have to fight the urges because there isn’t an option to gamble.  Just letting you know because making sure I can’t get money for gambling has made recovery a lot easier and I think it will for you too.

    • #10926
      akapmat
      Participant

      Terrible weekend at least I didn’t gamble! Tomorrow is going to be a nightmare, don’t know how I am going to react before, during and after. Hoping I can stay strong for everyone!
      odaat………

    • #10927
      vera
      Participant

      Why is today going to be a nightmare Aka? Whats happening?

    • #10928
      akapmat
      Participant

      Vera…..just an awful, awful day. Had to put my dog to sleep after discovering he was riddled with cancer. Found out about a month ago, watched his health decline quickly and had to make the decision to end his suffering. He was my buddy, the first thing I was ever responsible for on my own. Now he is gone…………then telling my 6 year old daughter the news, just completed a terrible day.
      So I decided to stop gambling and boom it coincides with the news of my dog having cancer……….
      odaat!
       

    • #10929
      Anonymous
      Guest

      So sorry for your loss, Akapmat.  It is devastating to lose a pet … truly like losing a family member.  It must have broken your heart to relay the information to your six year old.  My sixteen year old still says my husband and I "killed" our kitty and our guinea pig when we had them put to sleep.  No matter what I say, he still considers that we did them in.  Our dog is 10 and still in good health.  I dread the day when we face that awful decision.  Thinking of you and wishing you and your family comfort and peace.  RG

    • #10930
      akapmat
      Participant

      Thanks runninggirl………..today was better.
      As for gambling………I just know it will be three weeks on Friday since my last wager and it’s getting easier. But, weekdays were never the problem it’s the weekends. No dog to take for a walk anymore! March Madness finished, baseball season not being paying attention to it, just NBA and soccer to deal with.
      Best to everyone, stay strong and take odaat………..

    • #10931
      neva
      Participant

      So sorry about your pet.  As a fellow animal lover, I understand how hard it is to put a pet down.  My sincere sympathy.
      Three weeks is wonderful.  Weekends are the hard ***** for me.  I used to tell myself ‘I only have to get through the next few hours.  I was used to going to the casino between 1pm and 5pm and usually couldn’t stop myself but when I only had to get through 4 or 5 hours it seemed a lot more manageable. Weekends aren’t near the worry anymore. I hope you find something to replace that weekend habit that’s healthy and enjoyable.

    • #10932
      vera
      Participant

      Parting with a pet is not easy Aka especially when you have to explain it to a child. I’m not an animal lover but we have had cats and dogs as family pets over the years. One dog , Barney, a Corgi , lasted longer than the rest. My husband got him for my daughter’s third birthday and he **** in my husband’s arms when he was about 20!!! Once we had to get a dog put down because a neighbour wrongly accused him of "worrying " *****. In a fit of temper my husband shot that dog and went to pay the farmer any loss he may have suffered only to learn that it wasn’t our dog at all who had chased those *****……Life always throws lessons at us Aka. I have used gambling to cope with a lot of them. Its NOT the amswer as you know. Likewise the sickness and subsequent loss of your dog has nothing to do with you quitting  gambling. People who never gambled in their lives lose pets all the time. This is just the distorted thinking that goes with the disease.
      I hope your daughter gets a new pet. Children accept things much easier than adults. Why not offer to give an unwanted dog a home? Lots of Dog Shelters would be delighted with a dog lover like you.
      My husband refused to replace the last two pet dogs who **** a few years ago. He said "dogs are too much work" but I think he may have meant that he can’t bear the pain of losing them.

    • #10933
      maverick.
      Participant

      akapmat, you seem to be doing very well, easier said than done I know but just stay in that mind set, as always one day at a time, keep doing what is working for you and 3 weeks is fantastic, trust me I understand, so keep at it my friend and keep working hard on recovery, I wish you all the very best in your recovery but also in your life, take care love Maverick.

    • #10934
      akapmat
      Participant

      Took a couple of days away from writing this journal, just needed to get my head straight and be there for my family. Starting to come to terms about the death of my dog, so is my 6 year old. Still very strange not having him around, the little things are noticeable i.e. opening the door and not being greeted by unconditional love.
      On the gambling front, it’s been 3 weeks since I lasted wagered. I have been here before, but usually it’s this timeframe that I succumb to temptation, after all I have proved to myself that I can quit, so a wager won’t hurt……..yeah right! A week from today, it will be a month, only once in the past 29 years have I got that far…….almost there.
      Good news, today I managed to pay 15% of my debt. Still along way to go and several thousands to pay back, but a good start. The target is to pay off another 10-20% in the next couple of weeks.
      Weekend ahead, not good, but I know I can get through it without wagering…………..staying positive.
      Thanks for reading and your support. Best to you all, stay strong…………odaat.

    • #10935
      neva
      Participant

      Congratulations on getting part of your debt paid and a plan to pay more. Just make sure to not keep yourself too short of money or you’ll feel just like you did when you were gambling…broke.  Getting to that month mark might make you feel like you deserve to gamble but remember how hard it was to get here and don’t set foot in a casino for anything.  It’s very hard to start over but, as long as you don’t gamble, the urges start easing up. Keep your barriers in place so gambling isn’t even an option.  You’re doing great!

    • #10936
      akapmat
      Participant

      Agreed, Neva, about the month mark and feeling like I deserve a reward and a little wager wouldn’t hurt. Of course it would, so this Friday I will think of something else to celebrate.
      Weekend done, didn’t really think about gambling. However, it was the Masters golf tournament and was reminded that this time last year, I was in the middle of a purple patch, winning some serious money.
      Not good thinking about the past, but it was a good reminder that I must keep looking to the future……..Odaat.

    • #10937
      Dunc
      Keymaster

       
      Hi Akapmat
      Neva has made what I see as a really valid and important point and one that many don’t see and has been there downfall, Debts are debts nearly every CG will have them in various forms and at various levels.
      I’d just like to add a few things, about the way we can think that can become an issue
      Shortage of money can lead to thoughts of "a few dollars won’t hurt and I may win" the truth it hasn’t in the past so why would it now.  the opposite is just as dangerous "too much money" and we feel we can afford it, this just keeps the addiction alive…. but when can we afford it.. the answer is when you’ve cleared your debts. At 10-20% a month’s you’re looking at say 5 to 10 months before your free from debt.. How are you going to feel when your debt free?
      Your line " about the month mark and feeling like I deserve a reward" why do you need a reward, do we reward ourselves for doing other things? whilst it’s an achievement to stop for any length of time gambling in fact stops us from allowing us to feel rewarded People may no longer respond normally to rewards such as food, *** and social interaction, and instead depend on gambling for their sense of reward.  Try and recognise that your reward will come every day that your making your life better, it will come from those around you whose lives your no longer affecting, now to me this is the greatest reward recovery can bring you
      The one other line, and this one is one I really do understand… Historic Memories. You wrote "it was the Masters golf tournament and was reminded that this time last year, I was in the middle of a purple patch, winning some serious money" Unfortunately we often gambling on some sorts that we may have a genuine interest in, but what you’re doing now is taking control of your life grabbing your addiction and saying NO.. and that’s fantastic, but what would help you more is to avoid watching these sports that you’ve previously gambled on. your mind will wander to what you’ve always done this is natural . so challenge and change these memories so next year the memory will be of something non gambling related, if you carry on watching gambling your historic memories will be of gambling.. why put yourself through this for the future? when you have in your control the ability to make these historic memories that are not gambling related.
      Keep working your recovery Akapmat, you’re doing great just please avoid the potholes that can topple recovery25 year poker player, 25 year Hierarchal fool, 25 year ego boost…  Intellectualisation was my down fall, simplicity was my salvation

    • #10938
      akapmat
      Participant

      Harry, you address some excellent points. I appreciate your input and certainly it helps to put things into perspective.
      My issue has always been, "extra money" that I earn. I work extremely hard, sometimes 7 days a week, taking on work that perhaps I should pass on. I enjoy work and being busy, but in the back of my mind is the "extra money" will be my gambling money. The emotional, physical and social destruction of working all those hours for nothing after losing it all is something I want to avoid at all costs. I have to pay off my debts and destroy my credit cards. This is something I have always wanted to do and I am determined that I can do it. I am hoping to be clear off my debts within 6 months. How will I feel if I do this? Right now, fantastic, but I sense it might be a different feeling when it happens. Perhaps I am focusing too much on clearing debt and doing it too fast, but it provides me with a sense of purpose and control.
      An interesting point about allowing myself to celebrate for completing a month without gambling. It’s a benchmark, something noteworthy, but I understand that gambling + celebrating don’t go together. I should look at a month without gambling as the norm and not make "special" reference to it.
      Triggers, they will always be there, hard to avoid for a cg. I enjoy watching sports, still, even without gambling on them. The Masters is wonderful event and yes I did wager on it last year, among many other things. Did I pick a winner in my mind this year? Sure, and I understand it could have triggered me. I only watched the last 9 holes as opposed to the entire four rounds like I did in the past. I know I shouldn’t put myself in this position, but its like I want to prove to myself that I can control my urges. Spoken like a true cg!
      Just read when I wrote……..maybe I am not doing as well as I thought I was! It maybe a month on Friday, but there are many signs that I could resort to gambling again.
      Odaat…….
       

    • #10939
      Dunc
      Keymaster

       
      Hi Akapmat
      maybe I am not doing as well as I thought I was! Now that’s something I didn’t say and also don’t believe. In fact I believe the opposite and one day your tell me why
      I think you have to look at what the word recovery means to you. We can all do the lip service & barriers, clear debts even stop gambling for a while but is this recovery, to me it’s not. Recovery is about moving along slowly, finding the parts we enjoy, living a life not an existence. So often I read and talk to folk who can write about recovery but in reality they still miss the one vital point… has life improved.  It’s not a game, it’s not a rush, it’s even fun & I certainly won’t say it’s easy but I know it’s worth it
      ok, so you work 7 days a week, do you think  that’s leaving you enough time to convert all the recovery theory into practice, have you considered that actually working this many hours is in fact a trigger and may stop you finding the time you need to work recovery ?  How much true social time.. YOU time do you get a week?  not much by the sound of it
      You wrote "The emotional, physical and social destruction of working all those hours for nothing after losing it all is something I want to avoid at all costs" but also wrote "I enjoy work and being busy"
      Now I understand this well…. so I have a question.  If you keep on pushing yourself hard to repay debts, not give yourself YOU time, watch sports you gamble on; how long will you last before you push the self destruct button? at which point id have to question… why bother working at all when you’ve nothing to show for it?
      I want to reiterate  "In fact I believe the opposite, I believe you’re doing well "but there’s an expression… You can do everything you think is right but  you may be able to do less of something better with greater results25 year poker player, 25 year Hierarchal fool, 25 year ego boost…  Intellectualisation was my down fall, simplicity was my salvation

    • #10940
      akapmat
      Participant

      Nothing like being stopped dead in your tracks………..All I can say Harry, is your points are valid, certainly made me think.
      Honestly, the one thing that always brings me back to gambling is trying to clear my debt. I guess I won’t know how I will feel or what will happen until I clear the debt created by gambling. It feels like a weight hanging over my head. I did it to myself, so before the recovery can begin, I have to clear the debt.
      Harry, you are correct, it’s not much of life. However, for once in a long time I feel in control, even if it’s a false feeling. I have to start somewhere and can’t fix everything all at once. So for me, right now this is working, it does feel good to be 24 days without gambling and to have cleared a portion of my debt.
       

    • #10941
      akapmat
      Participant

      Discovered another trigger today one that I never knew existed, problem is this one I don’t have any control off. People who are two faced…….I am so annoyed right now, all I can think about is placing a wager just to take my mind of this person. Nice to my face, stabbing me behind my back. If I confront this person it will open a can of worms, that will make me more irritated and more likely to gamble. So, I will smile back and nod my head when I talk to this person, knowing what they have done and wonder in an amazement how they continue to *** right to my face.
      This situation has brought to my attention how nonchalant I have become about my gambling addiction. It had become quite easy to avoid gambling the past week or so. I was doing very well, under control, not being tempted. But, like most of us cg, there is always something that will provoke us, particularly when we least expect it. I let down my guard, clearly I need to be more vigilant.
      Still, and this is the truth, just writing this note in my journal has helped me get things off my chest and calm me down. I will not gamble, I have come along way since March 23rd and I won’t let one person spoil my good work.
      odaat…………..stay strong, best to all.

    • #10942
      akapmat
      Participant

      6 weeks…….
      Communication, gave it less than 12 hours and then I had to say something to the individual who had been caught in a ***. Problem, solved, very apologetic.

      Fairly obvious…….talk, write just get it off your chest and I have found when the gambling urges come along it is very helpful to communicate. Writing this journal was a missing link for me, finally an outlet without the fear of being judged or embarrassed for being a cg. It’s part of me, I don’t like it, but I am finding ways to control it and start discovering the real me, the happy me.
      Odaat……..stay strong, best to all.

    • #10943
      neva
      Participant

      You’re doing great!  Keep up the good work.

    • #10944
      neva
      Participant

      This site is also a big help for me too.  I hide my addiction from my co-workers and my husband doesn’t understand that I have an addiction so all the help I get is here.  We all need all the help we can get and I know this site is my biggest help too.

    • #10945
      akapmat
      Participant

      Haven’t had a dream like I had last night in a long time! Now that I have got your attention, unfortunately it was about gambling. It was so vivid and I woke up with urges to gamble. They were so strong that for the first hour of being conscious all I could think about was what I could wager on today. I watched ESPN, checked all the scores, looked at what games there were today. Even picked out the winners! It was just like old *****……………………..
      While the urges have somewhat subsided, the work day is over and I really fancy a wager tonight. And, to make matters worse, today was payday! So, here I am writing and it’s helping, per usual. Do I really want my whole night consumed by watching the sports ticker? No, I don’t.
      That’s it, I don’t want to, so I am not going to. I am stubborn and love a challenge but good grief the temptation of gambling is awful. This is a test, will I past……yes! However, I don’t like how quickly the gambling urges return. Glad to have barriers in place.
      I have a plan, next week I will be able to pay more of my gambling debt off. So, if I gamble today, the plan will go up in smoke. The 15% I paid off last month, will mean nothing because I will no doubt lose it tonight.
      UGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      Odaat……..stay strong and best to all.

    • #10946
      Anonymous
      Guest

      Hi Akapmat:  Gambling dreams are very common … I have them frequently.  Thank heavens for barriers.  I’m sorry that it caused such bad urges, but you sound very determined to keep things under control.  Good on you.  I’m rooting for you that you keep your money so that you can pay what you need to pay next week.  What a wonderful coup that will be for you.
      I find that when I dream of gambling, it ends in frustration 97 per cent of the time.  The last time … last week … I dreamt that I got a bonus that went on forever, there were eight levels of winning.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  The payout came in the form of a card that I had to take to the cashier.  However, as my never-ending bonus continued, a couple of brothers came and sat near me.  When they left, they ***** my "winning card" out of my wallet.  So, no win for me.  It’s my psyche telling me that a win in a casino is never really a win.
      Great work on your recovery so far and keep your barriers high.
      RG

    • #10947
      akapmat
      Participant

      Just dawned on me, 50 not out…………
      I treated my wife for Mothers Day, felt pretty good, knowing that I earned the money to spoil her and it wasn’t through ill gotten gains. Better still, I could actually do something nice for her without holding back because I had lost a small fortune. It’s a different feeling, a good one, but honestly there is part of me that wants to try and win the money back I spent on the gift for my wife.
      Thanks to all, for your support and kind words through the first half century of gambling free. ODAAT…….
       

Viewing 32 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.