Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum My Journal Once a compulsive gambler, always a compulsive gambler (May to July 2021)

Viewing 11 posts - 106 through 116 (of 116 total)
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  • #77940
    kin
    Participant

    Dear diary,

    After the storm has left, there is calm. There is no anxiety; no fear, worry or panic, no unwanted obsessive thought, no uncontrollable urge to act out. I was finally able to sleep when I am tired, and getting proper rest. This is really priceless for me. No money in the world can buy me this peace.

    After so many years, I have learn to accept the reality that I was a recovering person. I suffered from depression, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and I have complicated my life getting addicted to self harm and self destructive behaviors. Like the seasonal weather, they come and go. I try to limit and keep the damage under control when they come.

    I am learning to live life on life ‘s term, not my term. There is a power greater than me, I am not God, I cannot control everything. May God’s will be done, not my will.

    I am prepared to face all the curve balls that life is throwing at me without the gambling and alcohol.

    I am so grateful to be able to sleep when I am tired today.

    #77941
    kin
    Participant

    Dear diary,

    This is the medicine for me. It was found in the June 9 Reading from the book “The Language of Letting Go.”

    Panic

    Few situations – no matter how greatly they appear to demand it – can be bettered by us going berserk.
    –Codependent No More

    Don’t panic!

    If a swimmer was crossing a great lake, then suddenly focused too heavily on the distance remaining, he might start to flounder and go under – not because he couldn’t swim, but because he became overwhelmed by panic.

    Panic, not the task, is the enemy.

    Many of us have moments when we feel crowded and overwhelmed. We have times when we feel like we cannot possibly accomplish all that needs to be done.

    We may be facing a task at work, an improvement in ourselves, or change in our family life.

    For a moment, it is helpful to look forward and envision the project. It is normal, when we look ahead at what needs to be done, to have moments of panic. Feel the fear, then let it go. Take our eyes off the future and the enormity of the task. If we have envisioned the goal, it will be ours. We do not have to do everything today, or at once.

    Focus on today. Focus on the belief that all is well. All we need to do to reach our goal is to focus on what presents itself naturally, and in an orderly way, to us today. We shall be empowered to accomplish, peacefully, what we need to get where we want to be tomorrow.

    Panic will stop this process. Trust and guided action will further it. Breathe deeply. Get peaceful. Trust. Act as guided, today.

    We can get back on track by treading water until we regain our composure. Once we feel peaceful, we can begin swimming again, with confidence. Keep the focus simple, on one stroke, one movement at a time. If we can make one movement, we have progressed. If we get tired, we can float — but only if we are relaxed. Before we know it, we shall reach the shore.

    Today, I will believe that all is well. I am being led, but I shall only be led one day at a time. I will focus my energy on living this day to the best of my ability. If panic arises, I will stop all activity and deal with panic as a separate issue.

    ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by kin.
    #77943
    kin
    Participant

    Dear diary,

    I spotted these problem that has been around for many years.

    1. I cannot sleep when I was tired.

    2. As long as I am in control of things; I will always be one arm length away from the next gamble / alcohol / food.

    #77946
    kin
    Participant

    Dear diary,

    I woke up feeling so grateful today to be able to sleep when I was tired.

    It was a coincident that many talk about sleep in the lunchtime meeting today.

    It is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life, sometime I cannot sleep when I was tired.

    Sleep is really a luxury for people who suffered from various addiction and mental illness.

    I have made plan to attend support group meeting at 3 am, 1.15pm or 7.30 pm, 3 different time zone of the day depending on what time I wake up from my sleep.

    #77948
    kin
    Participant

    Dear diary,

    In the past

    Fear of people and insecurities has stop me from sharing about mental illnesses in my journal and physical meetings, I was afraid to be shame, embarrass, rejected and hurt by others.

    Today

    Just like the reading of The AA Promises; before we are halfway thru in recovery… all these fear and insecurities will leave us…feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by kin.
    #77953
    kin
    Participant

    Dear diary,

    Humility is not self-seeking, attention seeking, self importance, and self glory.

    Being humble means that an individual is able to accept their own limitations and weaknesses.

    It also means that they have a realistic understanding of their own strengths.

    Humility is a key ingredient of groups like Gamblers Anonymous. Step 7 of the program states, humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings.

    Arrogance and self-righteousness keep me trapped in my addiction.

    What is stopping me from submitting and surrendering to God and the program completely?

    Did I keep any hidden or secret reservation and condition for the first bet?

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by kin.
    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by kin.
    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by kin.
    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by kin.
    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by kin.
    #77963
    kin
    Participant

    John 12:24-25
    24Truly, truly, I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a seed; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.
    25Whoever loves his life will lose it, but whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

    Dear diary,

    This journal has help me to understand: Half-hearted effort and measures availed nothing.

    Gambling did not improve my life or make my life any better, it only complicate matters and make life worst.
    Gambling has given me short term happiness but long-term suffering and misery.

    I admit that I am not perfect. I have made it harder for me to place the next bet but I did not want to do all the things that will stop me or cut me off from gambling totally. I am a man in recovery some of the time but not all the time.

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 23 hours ago by kin.
    #77970
    kin
    Participant

    Dear diary,

    There are more important things in my life and gambling is not one of them.

    If I really love my God, my family, and my recovery, I should keep my word to give up gambling.

    Otherwise I really love gambling more than my God, my family and my recovery.

    #77971
    kin
    Participant

    Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remain only a single seed.

    But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

    #77987
    kin
    Participant

    Dear diary,

    Today I was sorting out my email account starting from the oldest one. I read some of them and some are dated in the year 2004, I admitted that I have a serious problem at that time; When I start the slot machine or alcohol, I could not stop. When I decided to stop the slot machine or alcohol, I could not stay stop. I could not stop on my own. I knew I was in deep trouble and start to seek help.

    17 years later in 2021, I cannot remember any event this year that trigger auto-pilot thought in me to use slot machine or alcohol. This is the progress that I want, I was clean and no longer struggle in that area.

    I suffer from multiple addictions, the addiction that is causing me trouble and inconvenient now is my sport betting. I have not betted in sports for more than 7 months but I still get a lot of thought to gamble on sport from time to time. It was a hardcore habit.

    It look like I need a longer period of total abstinence from sport betting before I can experience the same stability I get from recovery in slot machine and alcohol.

    I was one arm length away from the next sport bet but I did not use my available cash; I did not use my free time; I did not use the available gambling opportunity; I did not listen to my thought and feeling to place the bet; I choose to listen to a Power greater than myself to stay stop – this Power has not hurt or harm me; I choose to trust this Power instead of trusting me.

    I replace the gambling by attending gambling support group meeting and journaling. I wish I have more time to reflect on the sermon “A Journey to the Potter’s House”, I also would like to read up on false gambling beliefs, mental and emotional blind spot in recovery which is keeping me occupied.

    This volcano is still active; I still need to keep on doing things to stop me from placing the next sport bet today.

    I cannot say the same for my slot machine and alcohol addiction which was arrested; these two volcano are sleeping at the moment, recovery is more stable and predictable in this area.

    • This reply was modified 4 days, 19 hours ago by kin.
    • This reply was modified 4 days, 19 hours ago by kin.
    • This reply was modified 4 days, 18 hours ago by kin.
    #78017
    kin
    Participant

    Dear diary,

    If my addiction is active, I need to starve it by going abstinence. I need to put my addiction to sleep.

    Some of my addiction is in deep sleep, while some is not. It took a long time to put them to deep sleep, and I need to be more patience with those addiction that is not.

    I have entertained and flirt with many thoughts to gamble in the past; it was like poking a sleeping tiger with a stick, it has wake up and bite me. I realized that my addiction is sleeping, not dead.

    I have work on my slot machine and alcohol addiction longer and they are in deep sleep. They do not wake up easily.

    Currently, I am working on my sports punting, and soon I will also be working on my compulsive eating, these can wake up easily by the slightest of things. This is despite not placing a sport bet for close to 8 months or fasting short periods in the past.

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