7 March 2013 at 2:46 pm #11100jamesd_4027Participant
It’s the 7th of the month and my money is all gone. My checking account is negative, as it always is this late in the month. Actually my retirement money is usually gone by the 2nd. I vacillate from one stage of change to the next and back depending on the time of day and the strength of the urges to gamble. I have tried making a list of things I could do with the money – care for my family, pay off gambling debt, take a trip to see my granddaughter, buy a new car, etc. The list becomes a list of things I might win when I sit down at my computer to gamble. I have lost $40000 in the past 6 months. I have made only one withdrawal. No matter how far I am ahead I can’t stop until it is gone again.
I tried something called playing the tape. But, that only helps me to beat myself up. It doesn’t even slow me down. I lie, steal from my wife’s money, hide the truth when I do, and worry all month long if the phone all is a debt collector again. I delete all my browser history about 3 times a day in case my son sees that I have been online again. I have told everyone I gamble. They sympathize, but nothing makes me stop. I wake up three or four times a night with the urge to go to my 24 hour website.
I think I gamble so that I can feel normal. I’m am not used to success – been broke most of my life. Things have changed in my financial situation for the better. I’m well off now. So, I throw it away. I don’t know what to do with my time since retiring. I’ve tried small acts of kindness but they don’t last all day long. And I can’t be kind to myself because of my cheating and lying and stealing.
I don’t believe in a personal God. I tried finding inner resources, but I fall asleep meditating in about 20 breaths. So, I found that this step in the GA process is a major block. I believe in the expression that gambling is a spiritual problem with financial consequences. I also believe that in self directed change.
What I think could help me with GT is to find someone who stopped beating themselves up, created a diversion for the continuous urges, or found the inner source of strength to stick to the plan.
I am certain I am not saying anything new here. So, I appreciate your patience to read this story.
7 March 2013 at 3:35 pm #11101DuncKeymaster
It was great to speak to you in the group. Your clearly commited to a life without gambling.
The software I recommended for your son to install is http://www.rgmanager.com
Looking forward to catching up with you in a group soon
Take Care & stay positive
Harry25 year poker player, 25 year Hierarchal fool, 25 year ego boost… Intellectualisation was my down fall, simplicity was my salvation7 March 2013 at 3:40 pm #11102lizbeth4Participant
Hi Jamesd, First welcome to GT. I gambled away all my retirement money plus any monies I could get hold of. I started my gamble free journey over 2 years ago. I have had a few slips but nothing compared to what brought me here. We all beat ourselves up, but that isn’t helping the problem. You have to move on. You will never recoup your money, May I suggest that you put barriers in place, like a betfilter, giving monies, bank cards, over to someone else, limiting your access to cash, getting support here and GA meetings. GA meetings will help tremendously. Keep yourself busy by doing things around your house, yardwork, and finding new hobbies to do. Stay strong and keep posting.Seize all the good things in life
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