Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #5819
    frankie06
    Participant

    Hi i need help and advice. My bf is compulsive gambler hes doing online gambling since hes off work on the sick as he had an operation he is on there more often. He asked to borrow money for fags which i said was fine and then when i was in work he asked for £10 on card for pasties for lunch but i found out he lost it on casumo online. Tonight he asked again for £10 on card and i have said no but he pesters me all the time i dont kno how much more i can take i took a bath now and ive stayed upstairs in the bedroom to stay away so he wont ask but i think he will come back again now. How can i get him to get help i cant deal with him asking me every day. I finished work at 5 today and he’s made me a meal but he was alreacy watching the slots on his phone. Which brought my mood down again and him asking for money again has upset me again

    #5820
    lily
    Participant

    I read your other post too (some times it is better to stick to one post unless there is a dramtic change as otherwise people don’t know where to post or have missed parts of the story). Firstly, well done for managing the money, I know what a nightmare that can be and all the different ways you may be asked or tricked into giving them the money and how much it can wear you down. Was it his idea or yours to manage the money?

    From what I read you pay the bills and his other expenses out of his wages and he then has the rest to spend on what he will, is that right? Then when has spent all that he comes to you and asks for a lend right? Do you see that when ‘lend’ the money for cigarrettes you are actually giving him more money to gamble? He knows he can spend all his money and then come to you for more for essentials so freeing up more money for gambling.

    The only way to stop gambling is to stop, it is not something that can be controlled even ‘dry’gambling ie watching gambling or playing not for money, feeds the addiction.

    Has he said he wants to get help? You can not make him, he has to want to otherwise no matter how good the help is he will just be going though the motions.

    Can you find a way to make yourself less physically and emotionally available to him? Do you have any hobbies or interests, family you can visit or things you can do with your little one like going swimming or similar? This will give you some head space and time for you and make you less available to be nagged for money. If you can be conssistant and not give in to the requests for money then he may come to realise that is a pointlesss exercise but while he knows you find it hard not to then he will keep asking.

    I really do feel for you and always say to f&f that a decision to manange the money although necessary is not one to be taken lightly, its hard, just rememeber you are doing it in his best interests whatever he may have to say about it.

    Please keep posting and try a find some time for you, Lily x

    #5821
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    <

    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
    privacy policy and  terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
      

    #5822
    frankie06
    Participant

    Hi thanks for your reply, i told him i would be in charge of his finances so the bills petrol and food were paid for. I told him if he doesn’t let me control his money then we will be over basically. I’m glad i did this but this isn’t the issue now. It’s him aling for money all the time and begging for £10 to put online to gamble. He says if u do this i wont ask again for anything. And when hes paid he said he wont ask for any money from it.
    The reason i let him have the money that is left over is because we would get into a massive fight and he woulc say i dominate his money and dictate it and then in the end i give it him because i don’t want the stress and aggrivation to show for my 3 year old, it is showing to him because he will shout stop stop when we argue which at the minute is every day…because he has mo money till friday so hes asking me all the time.
    Feeling down and he threatens me when i dont give him the money. I’m slowly realising i dont want to live with someone who drags me down and detroys our relationship.
    He only says he will get help when he has lost £100’s of his money.

    #5823
    kathryn
    Participant

    Hi Frankie,
    I thought id post in this thread, I didn’t realise you had 2 going, sticking to 1 is much better for you, you wont be jumping from one to the other.
    So, I read your reply. I cant tell you what to do but I can tell you how I felt before payday.
    The anticipation to gamble, for me (and this is just my perspective) was just as exciting as the gambling itself (until I lost everything that is)
    Planning how to get the money, what to play, how much to play, all going round in my head before I even started. The build up of anxiety and excitement was massive.
    I imagine he is in a great mood because he is getting paid and will have money.
    I imagine, in his head he has said to himself that he either will not gamble, or will only gamble a little bit.
    This addiction, I believe, is as real as drugs or alcohol. I would get a physical pain, the urge would be so great. I always saw my addiction as a little monster on my shoulder, continuously whispering sweet nothings to me. My every thought would be of gambling, how, when, where, it was all consuming. I doubt I ever heard a word my family said to me while I was in action, I wasn’t ‘present’ for such a long time.
    So, in saying all that, his intentions may be totally honourable. The addiction will have other ideas.
    I don’t know your boyfriend, I can only go on my experience. This addiction is progressive. Like any illness, medication is needed, be that group therapy, exclusion, one on one therapy, GA meetings, we are all different and what works for one may not work for the other.
    Unfortunately though, your boyfriend needs to be the one to make that call. If he doesn’t want to stop, he wont. This addiction sucks out your soul. Its not easy to stop, but it can be done.
    I’m not sure what you should do. Trust your gut.
    I truly hope that your boyfriend decides to stop gambling. In the end, no one can decide that except him.
    Have a read of the other posts on this forum. There are some wonderful people here who have all been there, who can direct you with understanding and experience.
    You are not alone.
    I wish you the very best Frankie,
    Love K xxxxx

    #5824
    frankie06
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your reply,
    At 6am this morning he woke up before his alarm and had gambled the money he won £180 online. He told me it was pending the cash out to his debit card but he obviously didn’t do this.
    I need to know how to tell him we wont be in a happy relationship with each other until he himself gets the help to get rid of this addiction…. can i say it like that or will it threaten him? I’m not saying ill throw u out if u dont get help because i understand its not about what i want. We did argue a few weeks ago and i told him to go but i took him back because i dont think i was ready to leave him and i got really depressed.
    I’ve been paying for petrol and fags every week and hes owing me money every week because he will do his monthly wage.
    I also have a 3 year old son and do not want it to affect him at all!
    Shall i print out numbers he could call if and when he decides to get help?
    Kind regards
    Frankie

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