8 December 2011 at 10:43 am #7460
I have created alot of problems through gambling.
The first one, and probably the most important one to me is that i have become indecisive and developed a self deceptive nature. My decisions are liquid. They’re not decisions- but more like ideas- and so easily i have just discarded these decisions and chosen to do the opposite. This has confused me. I kept asking myself "why?"
Trusting myself- trusting that i mean what i say and that i will follow through with what i have decided. That i will not allow a passing ‘urge’ to determine my choices. But that my resolve and strength of character will determine what i choose to do. This is important to me.
Trusting myself is the first obstacle to overcome. I know that i can have true conviction in my decisions. I know that i have a strong spirit inside myself. I am a proud person. Although i am not proud of gambling. Gambling hurts my pride- hurts me. Choosing to gamble is like putting myself down. It’s like throwing away my true choices and choosing a second prize instead.
But i know that i can eliminate this self doubt. Through affirmative actions and exercising willpower and following through on choices i will earn back my own trust. Through denying gambling i will become stronger.
I know i am in control of myself. I know i can change my habbits and over time my emotions and thoughts will change too.
Ironically it is very simple. Just do it. Say no and mean it and stick to it.
I’m going to weed out my spiritual garden- so i can get to the healthy, strong plants that are there- and feed them and nurture them, and maybe plant a few more seeds.
(The good characteristics and values don’t just vanish- theyre still there- just maybe hidden in the shadows of not so great characteristics.) dont know if this makes sense to anyone else but it does to me.
I cannot change the past- but i create the future and it will be what i decide it to be. (Atleast the parts i have control over.)
And i have control over myself – so im definitely- without a doubt- going to strengthen my self mentally and emotionally and spiritually and hopefully re-align myself with a more authentic version of ‘me’. Someone who has strength in their decisions. Someone who owns their choices- be them good or bad- and has enough guts to be self disciplined. Someone who is proud of her choices and has reason to smile again and feel happy.
I want to feel that i deserve to be happy. Not guilty and full of shame and feeling ugly and like i want to hide. That i have a secret that is so bad that it eats away at me. I’m not going to keep this secret anymore. I’m ready to tell everyone i know and i don’t feel shame anymore- i’m human and i got entangled in an unhealthy habbit. That is all. I’m not a bad person and i am not going to punish myself. I’m going to learn to forgive myself for my mistakes and learn to like me again.
It’s going to take time and i think it will be a long term process.
wow im rambling again- well i just wanted to express that overcoming inner conflict is an obstacle for me. And i believe that actions are the easiest and quickest way to make changes. If i change what i do then i change what i think- and how i feel. There will be alot of actions that will replace gambling, and hopefully there will be alot of positive feelings and thoughts that will follow.2 January 2012 at 3:06 am #7461
I tottally agree pumkin- it can be so confusing to regress and go against what you’ve promised yourself- really confusing. I liked your poem and i can relate.
Thnx Harry for your encouragement too- good to know there is so much support out there.
As read through your post cat- it struck me that you were saying the real you- made me think who is the real me? Spose thats something ill have to figure out as i have more time away from gambling. Maybe i will discover parts of me again that i like- cos i sure dont like the gambling side.2 January 2012 at 3:14 am #7462
So i made some decisions to act on- that i would plan the use of my money instead of just spending it.
I felt really proud to actually pay for those bills- when i gambled i resented spending that money on rent and bills.
I started to see this money could work for me again.
It felt good to take responsibility like an actual adult- and to willingly pay for our ****** it was a relief- and i was proud.
Started to think- yeah it is like the opposite feeling- paying for security- paying to know i will have a home to live in and food to eat- petrol in the car etc. The opposite to risking it all and innevitably losing. Worry and stress and anxiety and desperation etc.
I think it is a good start to trusting myself again. And maybe rebuilding some trust between my boyfriend and i also. I want him to know our life is important to us- and that i do want to contribute.
(im rambling- just thought id let ya know that im making steps towards rebuilding the trust in myself)
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