Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Personality of a CG – newbie here

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  • #3982
    Phoenix73
    Participant

    Hi everyone. I’m a newbie – and i really thought this would never be me – I thought with a mixture of therapy and so much hard work on his behalf that we would be ok. But it’s happened again and now he’s about to lose his job and he’s lying to my face -and with 2 small kids I feel like I’m about to throw a bomb into our lives by separating. He’s a good dad and they have no idea there’s any trouble.

    But my question is this – have any of you found that ‘your’ addict can often be a pretty rotten person? Thing is – I could manage his addiction. Watch the money – give him access to a monthly stipend, etc – but what gets me down is that he regularly is just not terribly nice to me. He’s not violent – just self absorbed and grouchy – with just enough niceness for me to forget each time. According to his family he’s been grumpy since he was a child.

    For years I thought it was just that I was a fusspot – or difficult – but at 41 I realise actually I’m not. I’m a pretty good person with close friends and the ability to bring out the best in people. So now I feel so bad that – apart from the dire financial straits we are in – I could ruin my kids lives just because I think it’s time I got away from him. We have a good life together for chunks of time, he cooks and plays with our kids, but a life second guessing is so lonely.

    It would be nice to be with someone who wasn’t so morally lazy and who didn’t make you feel so alone in the same room as them.

    Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.

    #3983
    velvet
    Moderator

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    Hello Phoenix

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #3984
    MillieWatts123
    Participant

    Hi Phoenix
    I am also a newbie but in no way new to living with a gambling addiction, i can’t give you advice on whether to stay or leave you are the only person living your life, I can say you will never “manage” your partners addiction. I really don’t want this to sound all negative! Sometimes you can feel more affected by their addiction than they are you must do what you can for yourself and you children I wish you well

    #3985
    Phoenix73
    Participant

    Your last line makes a lot of sense. But so far at 9 and 6 the kids are oblivious. It’s just me really.

    #3986
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Phoenix
    Sorry I had no more time yesterday than to give you our welcoming post.
    Nobody could ever think that what has happened in your life would happen to them – you didn’t ask for or want the addiction in your life anymore than your CG (compulsive gambler). However, happen it has and you are trying to make sense of the senseless – in my view you have come to a terrific place to help you do just that.
    I would think that every person who has lived with the addiction to gamble has found that the behaviour of their CG can be pretty rotten. Your CG is self-absorbed; his mind is full of addiction 24 hours a day which makes the good bits seem very special when they occur. The good bits of course help you ‘forget’ the bad behaviour for a time because you are a loving, forgiving person – unfortunately that is exactly what his addiction is hoping for – you to forget.
    I am so pleased to read that you already know that you are not a fuss-pot or difficult. It is so important for you to realise that you are not to blame for the things that are happening around you and over which you feel you have no control. I think it is probably a common thought for the non-CG to think that they bring out the best in others so why, oh why – not in the one they love? It is a hard fact but you cannot make your loved one stop gambling. No amount of pleading, tears, anger, threats, love can stop a CG gambling, the only person who can do that is the CG themselves – when they are ready. That is the downside but the upside is that there are many things you can do to support him, so that facing his addiction can become a possibility for him.
    I would never suggest that you leave or stay with your CG, what I hope is that you will stick with this forum and join the F&F group, so that you can gain the knowledge about his addiction that will help you cope – and then make informed decisions about your life.
    It may be that his grumpiness is the person that he is or it may be that it reflects something in his life that he has not dealt with – when he controls his addiction there could be no guarantee that the grumpiness will stop if it is his innate personality but first and foremost it is right to deal with his addiction.
    In Millie’s post to you, she writes ‘Sometimes you can feel more affected by their addiction than they are’ and that is the feeling I want you to turn on its head. I want you to stand back from his addiction and look after you. It is the best thing for you, your children and ultimately for your CG – he will not want to bring you down but his addiction will do so – if you allow it. I hope with support you can stop second-guessing and feeling so lonely – you are among those who understand here – I will walk with you for as long as you want me to.
    Does your CG accept he has a problem? Is he willing to hand over the finances to you? Has he ever sought help for himself?
    I will leave it there for now and wait for your reply. I do have an F&F group tomorrow, Tuesday, 20.00 – 21.00 hours UK time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum – you will be very welcome.
    Velvet

    #3987
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Millie
    In the hope that you come back to Phoenix’s thread and read this, please start your own thread so that you can get the individual support we are willing to give.
    You appear to have quite a lot of knowledge of the addiction to gamble but I know from my own experience that having people, who really understood, talk to me about what was causing my pain, saved me.
    You will be welcome in the F&F group and of course our Helpline is there for you. I hope you will access our support – I would be pleased to ‘meet’ you.
    Velvet

    #3988
    Phoenix73
    Participant

    Thank you so much. Velvet you took such time with your response. Millie – I hope you take up the invitation. Thing is I feel like a bit of a fraud as we have had 3 happy years with no backsliding. It’s by no means the constant drain that others here are experiencing . I’m just not feeling brave at the idea of staying married just for the kids. The trust is gone – but a good chunk of the time our home life is peaceful.

    #3989
    MillieWatts123
    Participant

    Hi Phoenix
    I am so glad Velvet gave you a good reply mine may have seemed a bit negative, I did not mean it that way, my husband and I have been married for 25 years and most of those years he is” the nicest person you could meet” we have four children and most our times are or were “good times” but all I can say now is if your partner is willing to admit he is a cg do what ever it takes to make him go and get help, but would also say if you have spent any time with a cg You Are Stronger Than You Think seriously you have gone this far!!!!

    #3990
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Phoenix
    I don’t hear a fraud but I do hear someone who has been hurt by the addiction to gamble and is still affected by it.
    Building trust is difficult once the addiction has done its damage but it is possible if the CG has changed his/her life in actions as well as words. You didn’t say if your husband has ever sought help – I have yet to meet a CG, who has controlled his/her addiction for any length of time, without support.
    If you came into my group I would have asked if you love your husband. It is surprising how often members forget to ask themselves this when weighing up their lives post-addiction trauma years. I am not asking that you write an answer here but if the answer is yes then it seems to me the marriage is worth fighting for. If it is ‘no’ and the trust has gone then the decision must be yours and staying together for the children is something only you can weigh up.
    I ‘know’ that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives experienced – if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be writing to you now. However, not everybody gets to experience this. CGs can be dissatisfied with their lives post control. Non-CGs can still be unhappy with the CG who has taken control. My CG took time to settle and it is hardly surprising given the soul-destroying nature of the addiction.
    What is it that still worries you Phoenix because something important obviously still does? If three happy years without back-sliding is not enough then maybe he has not fully dealt with his addiction or maybe you have not understood what it is that you really want from him. F&F often confuse the addiction to gamble with money loss but money is not the raison d’être for the CG. It is only ‘the gamble’ that matters and it is ‘the gamble’ that destroys the mind causing poor behaviour which affects those who love the CG.
    It is possible to ‘dry’ gamble which is gambling in the mind with no visual signs apart from poor behaviour because the addiction is being kept alive – in other words abstention is not enough.
    I will leave it there in case I am barking up the wrong tree but please don’t think you are here fraudulently. Whatever you are feeling will be understood and heard without judgement.
    Velvet

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